just remembered I put a bunch of text replacement shortcuts on my grandma’s phone but she uses speech to text so it probably doesn’t work

the utter lack of affection or care amongst my extended family is so bleak and miserable

Anyway it’s so funny to me because if asked, I’d say I’ve got nothing to worry about , but when I think of my current situation happening to anyone else, it makes me sad

Yk the funniest thing. We were in this traveller 12 seater bus and 4 of us had hard dark coffee while the adults had tea and then we went insane during the whole trip like none of us was silent for even a second and ive never been this close to mom’s side of cousins who we literally meet up every month and still i felt more comfortable with those 3 idiots

personal under the cut; just ranting into the abyss as a black woman

Existing as a black person/black woman in your white family is so fuckin exhausting and isolating when your white family isn’t actively/consciously aware of how you have to move in the world as a black person/woman and how EVEN IN FAMILY, you are actively having to try and fit in to THEIR space.

I always have to switch language for them, I always have to conduct myself in a way that isn’t authentically me, I always have to make them be comfortable with ME by fitting into THEIR world.

Never once are they trying to understand me, never once are they trying to coordinate a space that is comfortable for ME in terms of whiteness & cultural differences. I am always forced to attempt to fit into their culture, their standards, their way of speaking, their WHITENESS.

And how I talk/dress/act/physically look like is always different and always going to BE different from how they talk/dress/act/physically look. I will always stand out like a sore thumb whether I try to or not (especially when im NOT trying to), and even though they won’t pointedly say anything, I can FEEL it. I can feel it in the way they observe me, in the way I struggle trying to adapt to their whiteness and the community of whiteness they bring/I have to exist in and interact with.

And it’s like… listen im not asking them to cook jollof rice or injera for Christmas or whatever. But they so clearly do not interact with non-white culture/people/worldly experiences unless it’s from a lens of white observance if that makes sense? Like the way they interact is very “man observing zoo animal” and not really having to acknowledge/understand that the world (western societies in particular) are extremely ostracizing and isolating because you don’t allow space for non-white experiences and realities to exist. And that YES, even if they are not ‘racist’, that they still ACTIVELY partake in this. We are always operating by your systems and your rules and your level and idea of comfort.

feeling like a total asshole today 👍

Hi guess who feels like he just experienced 8 consecutive days in a matter of 2?

i wish there was a way to come out without coming out. have people use they/them pronouns and my chosen name and stop calling me “girlie” and “lady” and shit without my telling them i’m nonbinary. i don’t want to come out to family and have to try to explain it to them when they don’t actually want to understand anyway. i don’t want to be talked about as if i’m weird and i don’t want pushback and i don’t want overly eager allies. i want to just continue existing as who i am now to them (barely anything, just the quiet kid-now-adult who barely participates in family events) except they use my pronouns

I thought this whole thing of attacking schools today was only for schools with small children but apparently it is not bc there are gonna be cops at the university today

June 2023

I am. terrified?

26 and 38 for the ask game ?

26: fav color and why?

pink!! ive liked pink ever since i was a little kid. lately ive also taken a fancy to brown and red, but something like a peach pink or salmon is always appealing to me. i think this reflects a lot in my art cause on top of using warm colors, i almost always include a little pink like as an overlay layer or accent. but its so cute!! i like using it a lot!!

38: fav song at the moment?

ahhh uhhh its been a lot of different things!! soap and glowing by the oh hellos will always have a special place in my heart ^^ i also really like the song girl almighty, i like the beat and the instruments. oh!! and!! maybe plant life and cave in by owl city?

.

Making me sad and angry beyond belief that *redacted*

the depth of abandonment trauma i'm discovering i have is kind of insane

worst part about being an adult is managing your own relationships. what do you MEAN i have to talk to my relatives by myself now to keep a relationship instead of others doing it for me thats BULLSHIT