#but much better than this time last week
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“It could be that the loss of her children drove the Queen deeper into her darker desires...but, I don’t believe she was fighting against them that hard before that particular tragedy. No monster does.” (Patreon)
Bonus:
Hmm, wonder what he could cover those holes with :3c
#Doodles#Handplates#UT#Fellplates#UkaGaster's answers about Toriel really interest me :3c#As evidenced by the quote caption lol - but his other ones are very interesting too! Since it sounds like she's still around!#Poor classic Handplates!Gaster believed Tori dead for such a long time while she was at the Ruins#Meanwhile Fellplates!Gaster is just like ''? I saw the Queen last week she threw me into the pricker bushes? -.ò'' lol#But anyhow lol ♪ The implications that they're still in each other's vicinity really makes me curious about their relationship!#And how Toriel might react to knowing that someone - someone other than her - is having So Much Success on one of her sore spots#Not just of having children but of the constant reminders of Gaster's success where she has to live every day with a heavy heart for her own#Being cruel to him over it - well that's just par for the course isn't it ♪#He mentions that she's much more of an emotional sadist - insulting him and then making it Very clear that she does Not approve of the holes#''They're ugly and you should feel ashamed for drawing so much attention to something so unsightly''#I do think that her knowing that he's so intent on being kind and merciful and then twisting the knife on how much he's hurting her-#Making him feel guilty for daring to even attempt the betterment of all - for giving pieces of himself away and try to be a good person#''If anyone will break my spirit it will be her'' :)#Although that's all assuming that Toriel even knows about the brothers! :0 When I thought about it later it'd make more sense if she doesn't#It was still too good to not do something with the idea hehe - but imagine her betrayal if/when she found out tho she'd kill him on the spot#Gosh I haven't drawn Tori in foreeeeever I can't even remember the last time#Doing a/nother study on her would probably be fun haha she's rather plain how I draw her currently#I wonder if her Fellplates version would also wear reading glasses hehe#And the bonus :3c Where are the plates featured in Fellplates? Surely it's not just called that as a reference right ♪ Hehehe
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Just curious what the average level of personal investment in these sorts of things is. Like, how much do people usually get into silly stuff like this their friends ask of them? etc. etc. Which I know, only surveying a small sample on a very specific website means I'm not getting an exact average idea lol, but.. curious nonetheless .. Maybe reblog for bigger sample size but also this is not very serious at all/not worth a call to action gbhjbhjb
#which I know this could be context dependent like.. maybe you'd normally dress up but on a week that#you feel sick you wouldn't or etc. etc. - but I mean.. GENERALLY. in the most general average scenario#where you have the average amount of health and free time that you always do. etc. just based on your personality#and level of investment in these things - what on AVERAGE are you most inclined to do#also of course assume they communicate with you ahead of time and are not like planning a part last minute#like 'throw together costume in 5 hours and show up tonight randomly' or etc. I would hope that if we're going with the#AVERAGE of things - most people's friends have better communication skills than springing entire parties#on people last minute lol#assume you have like.. a few days-a week or so to prepare. however ealrly people usually start talking about#birthdays. In my experience it's usually one or two weeks ahead of time. Like 'oh next weekend' or 'oh two weeks from now' etc.#ANYWAY.. feeling a little Sick again of course but still trying to get some photos or something posted#AGAIN i promise I am not going to exlcusively post polls and ntohing else forever hgkjgnekj#I just really really love the ability to post polls and have always my whole life been obsessed with surveying people#I used to think I wanted to do that as a career somehow like.. be one of the people that does psychological interviews#or produce interview asessments for a company or etc. etc. I am always the one friend in the group thats giving out custom made#surveys or asking for other simialr stuff (did you ever take an mbti quiz? how about enneagra#m?? oh yeah I know they're not really scientifically valid or antyhing but like... DID you take them?? huh?? did you??please?? ghjj)#I simply cannot resist.. posting a little poll every once in a while.. as a treat#whilst I still fall behind on like actual content and costumes and stuff gbjhbjh#New poll adventure should be not as much of a wait as the last one was though since I already have the writing#for it really. I just have to do the ms paint sketch. hopefully no unexpected other health issues will get in the way#*** *** ***#< (anytime I do these three star patterns it is an ocd compulsion not me bleeping out words or something just ignore it lol)#(it means something secret in my evil brain just pretend you do not see it. significant only to me)#BUT YEAH.. ... poll... what type of costume party atendee are you?#:0c
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pose making they could never make me hate you
#river dipping#theodore doe#matthias evanoff#a burning house to live in#echthroi#ts4#......... i should probably just make a tag specifically for my blender wips actually#ummmm......#blender#obviously 😭 will go back and retag old blender posts with this tag eventually#missed this soooo bad i'm having so much fun 😭😭#<- person who just made a simple hug pose#no but.#there’s seriously nothing better than being able to do whatever i want in blender#if i knew how to render the way like rai and the rest of you can TRUST ME!! i would be posting mattodore content every dayyy#but since i can't even rip matthias's sim without his skin details fucking up i just make poses for in-game use </3#i have this huge list of poses i want to make and shitty notes app drawings of some ideas i've scribbled down these last few weeks lmao#and i also want to start learning how to animate....... which i might spend some time on tomorrow#like getting blender back in order makes me so happy 🧎#i’ve got so much i want to do in here!!#but okay... i do need to go lay down kjdfhnfgjn i'm gonna read and try to sleep mwah mwah mwah#bye to the three other people online rn 👋
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practicing sitting on the sidelines while another dog works and not yelling about it. not an easy task for a seagull.
#this is a screenshot of a BeReal hence the... immense quality#kaija did much better today than last week (which was our first time back in class after a 1.5 month break)#she was mostly calm while waiting both with me and alone#and overall seemed more confident and at ease in what i know is a pretty difficult environment for her#2 years#australian shepherd#dogblr#dog training
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The worst part of coming out of the PMDD Hazard Zone is that everything feels fine. It feels like you can handle the next wave and you'll be alright, as if the inescapable existential dread and loneliness that almost drove you mad 5, 6 days ago didn't exist.
Which is dumb because it /did/ and there's blog posts and ARTWORK to prove that it did and it was absolute hell.
And then we start talking ourselves out of following up with medical professionals. "It wasn't that bad". "Next time it'll be better".
You forget how difficult it was to climb back out of that, how hard you had to fight yourself and every little nasty thing your brain would throw at you while you did it.
And maybe in some ways, that's the real dangerous part.
Because you think it's fine....
...until suddenly it's not.
#pmdd#ramblings#I'm doing so much better than this time last week though#even when things are still kinda shit#but I'm able to fight things better instead of letting them get to me#and that's how I'd like to stay#so brain let's actually do something about this before we get stuck in the pit hole again#or even worse - never get back out again
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mmm essay about sally and kid gort in the tags (cw for child abuse, mentions of suicide, animal cruelty and a murder attempt. i always hope i don’t have to say this but just in case: i don’t excuse or condone any of her or gort’s behaviour at all.) this is literally not even touching upon everything i have to say because i hit the fucking tag limit lmao. NOBODY READ IT’S BAD BRAINSTORMING I JUST NEEDED TO GET IT OUT SOMEHOW
#thinkin too much about gortie side characters again.#sally this time and why she specifically talks about him the way she does#like dravo is obviously still shitty but to me he was. ‘just ‘neglectful#while sally actively hated and even felt terrorised by her own child#like. it’s not like i don’t understand her at all.#imagine you and your love don’t have much besides each other and your shop and you get pregnant and ready to raise a child#only for it to not be a child he didn’t and doesn’t cry ever and he learns everything so much sooner than most but then he never calls you#his parents and it’s not just a petty thing kids do sometimes you feel that he doesn’t see you as family and the worst part is that you#agree deep down#and as he gets older he doesn’t have any friends and actively rejects the notion of the entire concept#but then as time passes you hear about how he has entire groups of children following him and then several of them commit suicide#and that thing coming to sit with you and dravo at the dinner table says that he did what you did last week when the axe to chop wood broke#and you discarded it and got a new one#and he has these habits of ripping out flowers and making sure that they don’t regrow#and then you hear rumours about a friend’s daughter’s cat disappearing and think nothing of it#until you visit his tree house a month later and find a declawed cat and birds with clipped wings and crushed bugs that he keeps fondly#and then you see him with other children and they don’t know and his face is different and body language is entirely different#and were it not for the fact that you know better you would never see anything but a normal child#and you know that you are one who painstakingly brought this thing that should not be into the world and so you decide to end it all one da#and go to him as he’s asleep with the knife shaking in your hand#but he cries when you’re above him! screams at the top of his lungs!#so you beg for forgiveness even though you don’t deserve it through tears but as soon as the knife is put away you see the act drop and fee#his clever fingers having twisted your brain inside and out and you know that you can do nothing#and so the opportunity arises to at least remove him out of your life if not everyone’s lives and you take it immediately.#but you heard him talk. how he will close his fist around the world one day. and you know that it is not a matter of if but when.#like. imagine that. jesus dude.#like i hc her as someone that is messy and does not know a lot about life and she certainly wouldn’t have been a good mother but the love#or at least desire to love is there somewhere. and believing that having a child is really the only somewhat meaningful thing she can do#with her life. she’s not some hero or rich or anything of note. so there’s a lot obligation and not genuine desire for family here.#but she never really got the chance to be an actual mother in the first place so. who knows what that might have looked like
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another day another medical malpractice…the allie experience!
#this is overdramatic but miss no hands me is having a rough time#and so i was brave and called my doctor to be like Hey It’s Getting Worse…Should Something Be Done Sooner Than Next Week’s MRI?#and she was like. huh. it shouldn’t hurt. maybe you have some kind of disorder. definitely inflammation is your issue#(inflammation is not my issue. reinjury seems to be my issue but i don’t think she is hearing me when i say that)#anyway bloodwork all normal but they BLEW OUT MY FUCKING VEINNNNNN#it feels better today but eva (doesn’t drive) had to drive me home from the lab lol#anyway i also finally got and read my mri analysis from last spring and got a MUCH better idea of my initial injury. doc was SO vague#she’s a reassurer not a problem solver ig. i’ve liked her except uhhhh the part where Things Keep Getting Worse so maybe she is.#not a good doctor lol#at least i’ve been able to work through all sorts of lingering uterus trauma or whatever i guess. silver linings etc#so we deal we deal#wrist saga tag
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.
#it went!!! idk lately my pain treshhold has been so low bc im in pain all the time#so i just dont wnna be in pain anymore... he said that now it'll still hurt for a few days T-T#but he wasnt exactly sure what it was but i had.. a cavity??#im not rlly sure abt the english terms for all of this but the tooth is dying lol#but instead of immediately killing it nd getting a root fill he said that we should give the tooth a chance#so he fixed what he could fix#i hate dentist treatments bc of all the air nd water nd my anxiety i need to swallow constantly#but this time i actually told them abt it nd he was very helpful sksks#he even said 'ok now take a break nd swallow' so i didnt need to be so anxious#nd it was a relief bc he wasnt bad at all. he was actually rlly nice nd easy to talk to phewww#it cost abt $80 so i can manage to be without that until next week!!!!#so yeah it went much better than i had anticipated so im happy abt that#but yeah the problem still isnt 100% fixed yet so im still not relieved#he said i had a cavity in my other tooth as well but that we needed to check that at another time#im so frustrated bc i brush my teeth 2/day i use mouthwash i floss....#and for the last 7 months i havent even had any sugar!!!!! like why did this still happen.. o.o#oh nd he also said that i probably clench my teeth nd yeah i do that a lot more than i've realized#your teeth arent supposed to be touching!! never!! only when u eat#my teeth.... are touching pretty much all day omg. bc im so tense nd anxious#he said that he couldnt be sure bc he didnt have enough info to go on but that could have contributed to this#well well... i did it nd went even if i didnt want to#hopefully my tooth will be better now. nd i have another appt in may to see what i could get done further#if financial aid for it gets approved tho it might not#but yeah.. god dental pain nd issues is my no. 1 fear bc im poor nd i cant afford it
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It's probably bc my meds are fucking with my moods, but I was so weirdly upset last night with the last ask, bc I felt like I had just expressed it made me kinda sad when my non-clone characters didn't get as much attention as the clone ones do, and the phrase 'it kind of reminded me of your blog with all the cloning stuff with Pep' - like at that moment it was like 'okay, but clones tho???'
Which I highly doubt that was the asker's intention, and idk if they even read those tags, or if they did, got the impression I felt that way
And this probably sounds so selfish to be like 'I want attention on all my guys, all the time' and get upset when I have made myself to be 'the clone guy' and that's how people see me
I don't know, I am Going Through It Right Now, and it is not a fun time
#bean talks too much#vent tag#I am better than I was last night but I still don't feel great#but I am still only two weeks into the antidepressants so it does feel worse for a while and then it's better#and it also probably does not help that the other med I am taking causes depression so they might be cancelling each other out#which might be the case bc I do not remember feeling this bad the first time round - the intrusive thoughts are especially upsetting#although that was like four years ago now and I do not remember things well#I remember the drowsiness and being so ravenously hungry all the time but I do not remember much else#any way I guess it's time to draw bc that is all I can do apparently#or more likely stare at a blank canvas for hours bc I am not feeling it
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1000 Followers Update!
Due to some super fun chronic health shenanigans, the posting for the 1000 Followers Celebration is being postponed a month! Posting will start on 2/2 with to all the ghost still standing in this room, and continue as previously planned from there. Thank you guys for bearing with me-- I struggled with the idea of even postponing for a week, but it became very clear on Monday that I would not be able to catch up with the schedule unless I took an extended break to recover. Can't wait to show you guys what I've got up my sleeve!
#1000 followers#i don't talk much about my illness struggles on here because without a word count limit#i would absolutely write myself into a terrible spiral talking about some of the very recent setbacks#but I do weekly goals up on twitter and I often talk about what's going on there#so it's only fair that i explain a bit in some tag chatter where i have to stay on task#to start: i'm fine and I'm going to be quick to recover now that i've gotten my meds#but due to all sorts of insurance bullshittery that has occurred since september/october#my last three infusions have been over a week late. two of them have been nearly two weeks or over#and coupled with a particularly nasty stomach bug + christmas stress#i ended up with extremely bad exhaustion and brain fog#and on monday finally flared#thankfully i was able to move my infusion up a day so I only had to wait until wednesday#and me and my husband had planned that I would be out of commission for the 10 days my meds were overdue#so I just had to triage my commitments and lay low until they could get me what i needed#it's been two days and i'm doing much much better. back to a place where I can actually write#probably at a better place than i have been since the beginning of December since today I nearly blew through 1K without even trying#but it's been 2-3 weeks of barely being able to scratch out what i consider my minimum#and then a week and change of not being able to even READ without it overwhelming me#so i finally had to face the music of: not only can I NOT do this on time but I need fully shift it#so that I can work without stressing myself or my limits#i am a rat gnawing at the bars of my little rat cage over it but it is what it is#tldr; i'm here i'm fine i just have to accept my human limitations and i don't like it
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Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!
#cats#holiday#OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few#days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below)#My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart#rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart#so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag#and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day#last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few#hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent#ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect#because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make#me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these#'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a#few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is#getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better#and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo#I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm..#pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c#Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after#like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread...#I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was#doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally#ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully#whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos#ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever.#And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely#though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart#stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive#things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***
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here it is, the unwanted encore —
+ MHA WATCHPARTY !!
pt. 2 electric boogaloo —
for the second session, we'll be watching the second of three movies: My Hero Academia: HEROES: RISING ! dates for the last movie will be determined at a later date, but will most likely take place around the same time as this one, as determined by poll.
here's the important bits !!
date: SATURDAY, 3/2
time: 4:00 pm, EST ( ⭠ handy dandy time zone converter )
to keep things accessible, we'll be watching the english dub with english subtitles.
the movie will be hosted on WATCHPARTY. the link to the room will be posted the day of. you do not need an account to use watchparty, but perhaps changing your chat name to your url or screen name would be helpful in identifying you.
everyone's invited ! feel free to reblog this if you're into that i guess — and invite your friends !!
that being said, i have no idea how many people will actually join in. it very well may be just me lmao but i know big watchparties can get out of hand sometimes. let's keep things safe and enjoyable for everyone, yeah ? blatant disregard of this statement will earn you a swift kick and potential ban from future watchparties hosted by me.
#𝗦𝗠𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧 + [ OOC ]#𝗠𝗛𝗔 𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛𝗣𝗔𝗥𝗧𝗬 + [ AD ]#y'all know the drill#blacklist if you don't want to see this repeated on your dash a couple times throughout the week.#but !! i'm hoping this will be a better time / date than the last one ???#we had so much fun i just want everyone to be able to enjoy it —#as many as possible anyway...#i'm heading out for dinner but i'll be back around after !!#we're gonna knock out these movies so we're ready for when the FOURTH COMES OUT —
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Happy Easter!
#I'm wearing a dress today for only the second time in about 10 years#and i feel really pretty so that's a huge plus#easter isn't as big a deal to me as Christmas is#(...mostly because spring is the harbinger of summer and i loath them both lol)#but it's still a lovely and wonderful celebration of my faith and I'm really looking forward to church today#I'm even singing a real choir piece with the choir which i haven't done in AGES#singing yes. choral pieces not as much#my faith journey over the last year or so has been rocky to say the least#just in the last two weeks there have been two... incidents with my dad in particular#but i feel like I'm growing toward the sun like a determined dandelion and my roots are deeper than ever#and what better time to celebrate that than Resurrection Sunday?#... anyway i may be getting deep on main but at least it's in the tags lol#not mcyt#redwintertalks
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Lost in the sauce
#She's eating pretty good for a cat with a jaw infection and all her teeth removed#and shes drinking well which is good nc she literally hadnt been before she went back to the vet#which was a worry#shes still being very quiet tho#hasnt even tried to go out once when she'd been yowling to get out otherwise#though thats good!!#she literally gets up eats a little drinks a lot and then maybe scratches her scratching post for a sec#and then she goes well that was swell but im going back to bed now and then she just jumps back into my bed and cuddles up#So idk#shes def not 100% back in action but after everything thata gone on i cant exactly blame her#and tbh im trying to keep myself in a realistic mindset- no deluding myself she'll be super healthy and live for 5 more yrs or somethin#shes an old cat that wasnt taken care of by the people who had her before#and shes got health issues#but shes so much better than she had been this time last week#and shes still my lil cuddly baby so I just have to be happy and accepting of that#So yeah lil Kitty cat update
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What if I exploded? What then?
#this has been my mood for like two weeks now#well actually the las couple months if were being honest#but esp these last couple weeks#im just tired and stressed and anxious as fuck#and now i got a 7pm 3hr exam tonight#AND work tmr cuz LITTERALY no one else was available#so i get to go do poorly on this exam cuz im tired from work this morning and its right through my normal dinner time#and im not able to really eat now cuz im too anxious and i gotta catch the bus in like 15mins#and then come home and basically go straight to bed#so i can work an 8hr shift tmr#aauaaugghhggg#AND i got another exam ill prolly do WORSE on on the 19th#but that ones at 9 so like not much better but id rather that than the 7pm one#and that class has a group project too thats due the same day cuz it was the last day it can be handed in#i also HATE that class so much#im just like fuckim burnt out i think#straight up considering dropping out if i fail again i dont even care anymore#or at least taking a SOLID YEAR off before finishing#cuz christ alive i need a proper fuckin break#anyways i kinda went off here#oopsies!#oh well
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