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It actually does bother me that eating is treated like spending money - that you have an allotted allowance in the form of calories that you are supposed to budget.

"How are you spending your calories?" I'm spending them on experiences. I'm spending them on time with my community, my people, those who matter to me. I'm spending them on satiating a human need. I'm spending them on the feeling of being alive and not just living.

If there is one experience that I don't want to "pay" for, it's the basic human right of comfort, security, community, and care.

happy birthday! 💕🎉🌻

I really hope it’s a lovely one!!!

Oh thank you! ;-; 🧡

I wonder what more people would doubt, that I don't 'love' anybody but I don't 'hate' anybody either.

since you've been playing elden ring, do you have a favorite npc so far?

Haha, my pace at discovering more of Elden Ring is SNAIL slow. And I don't mean moderately fast snail-like mobs in ER, I mean real life snails. xD So, my knowledge is still lacking. But with what I DO know, I think I can pick a favourite already!

This might come off as a surprise, but this...

...is...

...SELLEN!

Honestly, so far I liked her the most! She gives me very strong Imposter Iosefka vibe (in the scenario if after having made enough Emissaries, the Imposter also joined with them to be several small ascended people hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one BIG ascended person…). Whereas she is still, of course, a unique and interesting character on her own! It is just this kind of a female character after knowledge beyond human plane that reminds me.

I am particularly fond of the madman/woman/person characters who want to know the eldrich truths of the universe, no matter how horrifying they are and no matter what taboos they have to break, and what they have to give in exchange. I also can respect the type of 'scientist that is not above trying their own medicine' because, again, she becomes The Orb herself xd Her sassy and blunt attitude is also very appealing for me, she is a confident character with a very certain motivation! I do also enjoy how no matter what scroll she is given, her reaction is that she is familiar with this sorcery, so she is already very educated!

I've posted my analysis how in Bloodborne, Willem and 'original' Choir (from which only Yurie remains) prioritise ascending humanity and leveling with the gods as people, whereas the Choir as it is later tries to TRANSCEND humanity, and will break any taboos, just like Mensis too. In there, I actually sympathise with Willem's side and see Choir as reckless and desperate fools. But in Elden Ring, for some reason, I actually sympathise with the ideas of Sellen (and her teachers, Azur and Lusat) more instead, whereas seeing how Caria family goes about the glintstone teachings as kinda weak. Not REAL researchers. It is very funny and I can't even explain why I am so inconsistent all of a sudden; doesn't help that Rennala herself gives strong Willem and Yurie vibe! Truly, the magic of narration can make EITHER side feel more sympathetic than the other o_o"

Also, I've learned that initially her Witch's Glintsone Crown was named Grana Glintstone Crown, but it was patched out!

I feel like developers initially did want to make Sellen as important as someone who had her own school and the crown made in her likeness was a common wear too, but it never picked up because… well, her line of studies contradicted with Caria's family agenda and restrictions too much? It is one thing to just explore rocks from space, but completely different one to try and BECOME one! But I decided to go with 'they retconned the idea' rather than with 'they obscured the idea'. I mean, how exactly people would follow this "school"? They'd just become rocks lol. It is not really studying the object when you become the object.

I also honest to god cannot recall this particular shade of green glintstone anywhere else - not in an environment, nowhere on Graven Scholars, and there are no spells or staff associated with this color. So I feel like it is artificial and created BY her; would go with theme of her experimenting with turning people into seeds of a star. Heck, maybe this glintstone also had an… organic origin, too. So it cannot be turned into a weapon (unlike staffs of Azur and Lusat that ARE made from existing cosmic material), but only serve as cathalyst for intellect and sorcery of THE caster.

Also I just gotta say, I really appreciate how in these spheres everyone is always having the both horrified and awe-full expression, but she looks really blissful and calm x) She actually gave a realistic, adequate estimate towards how much she wanted to become one with the cosmos xD Lore says that even Azur and Lusat were devastated when they witnessed it, so she is arguably MORE of a madwoman than those two. Love this about her so much.

Honorable mention: so far, Nepheli is my second favorite. Her design definitely beats everyone else's amongst NPCs yet, but also she is just really appealing character. Badass warrior with two axes with great honor and will to go on no matter what, who is also very sensitive and compassionate at heart, is in touch with her vulnerable side, grieving the fallen, strong but not invincible… It is a very good example of how TO write a strong and badass female character; the power is not to be a solid brick that never cries but to be able to connect with one's insecurities and still get back up. Her being heartbroken when her father figure turned on her was very moving, for some reason this way she feels stronger than if she just got up and kicked Gideon's ass and hated him forevermore after that. I just live for this balance of both big muscles but ALSO a big heart.

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i have literally nowhere else to put this i apologise for the spam. the absolute best thing to come out of s3 trent is without a doubt the fucking earnestness... like in s1-2 he always came across as a very self-assured kind of guy, who knew how he came off (ie: intimidating) and enjoyed it. but seeing that paired with him being silly + completely relaxing in certain company??? pulling ridiculous faces at vodka + scrunching up his nose when he smiles @ colin + making the most ABSURD 'i really wanna say something right now but i feel like im interrupting' noises ive ever heard in my fucking LIFE??? its like. he is cool as shit and he is self assured AND he can make dumb fucking sherlock holmes jokes and dance ridiculously. its like!!!! he's lame but he's also not bc he's exactly as confident in being lame as he is being cool. do u see the vision. he has killed the part of him that cringes!!!! its just.. that unshakeable self confidence that u see in his fucking swaggers into frame includes all of himself + his different moods and eccentricities and that's just so based to me idk. unironically live ur best life wear the loudest combination of prints and patterns and primary colours uve ever seen in ur life while espousing the virtues of extended museum hours!!! contain multitudes! get silly with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what if i did the unthinkable and wiped the slate completely clean so i can start the year off fresh and without the weight of unfinished drafts... would y’all be upset

Just wanna shoutout the kid who was sitting next to me during Oppenheimer playing clash of clans. What're you doing buddy. Where will you go from here

Hm. I've been having an idea rattling around in my brain like always and just. It's interesting to think how Ghoul and Kobra vs. Poison and Jet would do in the City because all four are survivalist at heart, but they also draw their morals at different points and that creates so much conflict in such a setting like. Hello 👀

io has a temper this 🤏 short and anger issues to boot but they try really, really hard to never take these things out on the people they know and love. however, they don't always succeed entirely, and irritability and a tendency to self-isolate without saying why they're doing so happen occasionally.

sometimes they don't even succeed a little bit, and io will pick really stupid fights because of it. they'll always come back and apologize but... it does happen.

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eulmore ost makes me so happy 🥹

I don’t believe it is an internalised ableism or something, I am just not feeling too happy or proud for being autistic for reasons that proven being solid for me.

It effects individuals differently, and in my case it is more like... my brain is wired specifically to cause discomfort and problems, it seems. Maybe it doesn’t help I was undiagnosed for almost my whole life nor I received proper accommodations, but like... I am still 25 and talked Enough with people, and I came to the conclusion that no matter how many social rules I memorise, no matter how many bad outcomes I try to predict, no matter how badly I try to act likeable or “normal” if you will - always, always, ALWAYS there is SOMETHING. Just SOME little thing that makes people uncomfortable, and yet they would never tell me. Either fearing to hurt me or thinking it is so ‘obvious’ that no way I am not aware - but I am not.

Because it is not about learning ‘enough’ unsaid social rules (they also change with time or depend on the culture), or, god forbid, blindly agreeing with EVERY time someone calls something bad in fear of causing a problem (there are still manipulators or people who are JUST wrong in accusations). It is about like... some ‘construct’, some ‘driver’ in the brain other people have that allows them to ‘detect’ social cues without explanations or instructions, and to always have it updated with society. Driver that I just... don’t have?

And I am doomed to always make people uncomfortable until I either die or just stop communicating with them completely. I can only say ‘World would’ve been a better place if ya’ll told your neurodivergent friend if they’re doing something wrong (and explain why so) because 9 times out of 10 they have no idea’ before I realise... Well, how would it occur to the majority that they’re dealing with an exception? Heck, most people I know irl don’t even know what autism is and still perceive it as a concept through the most stereotypical/ableist lense possible.

“Bonuses” like semi-regularly being yelled at for not getting an “obvious” thing fast enough, being compared to a robot/animal/etc (because they are ‘likewise oblivious when they do something awful because they follow pre-destined program/instincts’, you know the drill). So I just have this... way of how my brain works that guarantees I’ll be making people feel bad unintentionally AND guarantees I’ll be getting insults or seen as intellectually inferior over things I deadass don’t know how to change.

The thing is, I’d still rather not get rid of it. It is just how I am, there is nothing to “fix” because it isn’t “broken”, it is just different. That’s what I’d love - to adapt effectively. But nothing will ever be effective enough because in the end I need to ‘just get’ things and there is no ‘algorithm’ for reading the cues. And it throws me into despair sometimes.

fully convinced at this point that if theres anything in my life im bad at/ have been bad at its solely due to lack of confidence