#but jfc she doesnt have to drag me along for the ride. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cannotgiveafuck · 2 years

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My patience and emotional stability is at an all time low, like man, I haven't cried this much in a very long time. Anyway my pride stuff from target came in and i got some mcr merch on the way. A reward for my suffering. Also the new MCR song and Florence album on repeat.

#personal #which is to say i am trying to distract myself #but also have healthy emotional outlets that are self destructive #bc the more i think about my dad being in the hospital. the more ill think about him #and everything that came before this past weekend. and everything that could come with each possible outcome #which is to say i am being choked by my daddy issues and want to curl up and cease to exist #but i guess work has been sufficiently busy enough. but really my emotional fortitude is uh. bad rn #dont mind me. im putting this here bc i refuse to put it on fb #and get a bunch of sympathy replies from folks i know or used to know. or who know my face #also. i thought sitting in the room with him unconscious on the hospital bed hooked up to tubes and lines #would make it easier to talk out loud about all the shit he caused. all the fuckin issues i should def see a therapist about #but all i could do was sit there and stare at him. and think about how old and small and feeble he looked #and how age and time just fuckin sneaks up on us #and i thought id be able to say out loud all the shit his alcoholic did. how it got him here.#how he finally got his kids to visit him real quick and all it took was a heart attack #but gods. i hate the way my voice sounded so i didnt say a fuckin thing #just sat there for an hour watching him. thinking of all the stupid shit ill never tell him #and to top it off. my ma aint helping. like. i know she has her own emotional rollercoaster esp with this #but jfc she doesnt have to drag me along for the ride.#mommy issues flaring up. i need a handful of ibuprofen and week long nap for this #i meant NOT self destructive. but idk maybe speeding down the highway yelling to music is bad

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