No lyrics for this one as it's a piano cover. No description screenshot either. Ves supposedly uploaded this on in the summer of 2011.

March 2024 Update

I'm up for CAFO on piano. Please universe, I am on my knees here 😩

ok so i just had a dream about this and i feel the need to tell you because its prime protective Billy shit. So after the whole mind flayed thing Steve and Billy get to be pretty close friends, and almost immediately they both fall for each other HARD, but both of them refuse to believe the other could ever like them, despite Robin screaming at both of them to just ask the other one out already. (pt.)

(pt.2) one day some random dude comes into the video store and starts flirting with steve, who figures he hasn’t gone on a date since Nancy, the guys cute, sure he’s not Billy but he seems nice enough and steve is also just very lonely, so they set up a date for that Friday at 6:00 and Steve is pretty excited. When he gets to his house and tells Billy, who was there for their wednesday horror movie night, billy tried to seem happy for him even though he ready to kill this guy

(pt.3) Billy does a pretty decent job at hiding his feelings about the date, and he doesn’t want to hold Steve back, but when he gets home he calls Robin and bitches for a sold 30 minutes, she just tells him if he’d got his shit together and just asked Steve our this wouldn’t be a problem. So the day of the date rolls around and Billy doesn’t see Steve all day, can’t bring himself to see him so excite to go date someone else. Around 6:15 his phone buzzes with a call from Steve             (pt.4) he answers and when he does Steve sounds awful, he’s been crying for a while. Asks if Billy can come pick him up, and billy speeds his way there. When he shows up and sees steve leaning against the brick wall rubbing away tears he loses it. Asks him what happened and Steve quietly tells him his date was a huge asshole, flirted with the waitress, pointed out the scar on steve’s hairline and told him he’d be a lot cuter without it, but don’t worry you’re still good enough for a fuck

(pt.5) Billy is ready to kill someone, he hugs steve and drags him to his car and tells him to stay put, slams the door and gets inside before steve can argue, find the guys pretty quickly, grabs him by the collar and spits out some pretty harsh words drops him to the floor and leaves. They are both quiet on the drive back but when billy drops steve off at his house he sheepishly asks him to stay, when billy tells him it’s a bad idea steve says okay and kisses him goodnight. Billy almost faints. 

I am SO SORRY this took a thousand years, it got a lil lost in my inbox.This is modern, Billy got possessed but the kids burned it outta him, everything else is canon.

“Who the fuck is that?”

Billy was “helping” Robin re-shelve, which meant he was pulling random movies off their shelves and putting them in different spots until she noticed and yelled at him.

She looked in the direction Billy was glaring, looked to see Steve batting his eyes as that guy, the tall jocky guy that comes in a few days a week to flirt with Steve.

“Oh, that’s Ben. He comes in all the time and flirts with Steve.” Billy’s eyes were dark.

“And does Steve, does he always, flirt back?” Robin rolled her eyes. Billy was so bad at acting nonchalant.

“Yeah, Dingus really has a thing for him. Talks to me nonstop about him.” Of course he talks about Billy way more often, but Robin is over the two of them being so fucking oblivious.

“Oh. Good for him.” Billy was blinking a lot.

Steve was leaning over the counter, was giggling like a schoolgirl.

The bell over the door jingled. Billy was gone.

-

Wednesday nights had become a tradition. Billy and Robin would come over to Steve’s, would take turns picking scarier and scarier movies.

It all started because Robin thought Steve should expand his horizons, and Billy liked the way Steve would get scared, would hide in Billy, would shove his face into his chest, or his arm, or wiggle his way into his lap.

But he was not in the mood for a movie tonight. Not after watching the way Steve had gone all bashful earlier.

But he found himself pushing open the double doors anyway.

“Bill! Guess what!” Steve was jamming around the kitchen in thick socks and little shorts, a faded Hawkins High Swim Team sweatshirt, and his glasses, like he was trying to fucking kill Billy with how adorable he is. “I got a date!” Billy’s heart thumped to a stop.

“You, you what?”

“I got a date! With that cute Benny that comes into Family Video. He asked me out! We’re gonna go to dinner on Friday!” Steve was so fucking excited. Billy couldn’t find it within himself to bring down the mood. “I just, you know how lonely I’ve been, and, I haven’t been on a date since Nancy.”

Steve was rambling, going on and on about this fucking guy. Was talking over the movie, which normally, Billy would think was kinda cute, but it was all, Benny said the SWEETEST thing, or look at this meme Benny sent.

Billy was about four second from tearing his hair out.

He was driving Robin home after movie night needed to vent.

“Look, I’m not saying I want Steve to be unhappy. I want him to be so happy. But I just, I get a bad feeling about that Benjamin guy.” Robin rolled her eyes.

“Well if you had gotten your head outta your ass and just asked Steve out like I fucking told you to, you, Billiam could be going on a date with our sweet Dingus.”

“I just, after everything this summer, I didn’t know if, if he was ready, and he never really seemed the same after the Nancy shit.”

“That’s a lame excuse and you know it.”

It was. And he knew it.

He avoided Steve the next two days. Couldn’t deal with all the excited posts on Steve’s secret Insatgram account, the one just for his friends.

Apparently he had done a face mask, had taken a fucking candlelit bath. He posted outfit options on his story.

Billy spent Friday chain-smoking in bed, yelling at Max whenever he got kicked off Netflix for too many screen in use.

Steve was getting picked up at 6. Had been posting a fucking countdown on his story. Billy wanted to crawl into a hole and fucking die.

When 6 came, Billy was working out, listening to loud, angry music as he lifted weights. He was trying his fucking best to keep his mind off of Steve, that fucking Benjamin.

But his music was interrupted by his phone going off, Steve’s contact picture filling the screen, a silly one Billy loved of Robin shoving marshmallows into his mouth. He could fit 17.

“What’s up?” It was only half past 6. Something must’ve happened. “Stevie, are you okay?” He could hear Steve sniffling.

“Bill, could you come pick me up?”

Billy was already out the door.”

“Drop your location, Pretty Boy. I’m on my way right now. Don’t move. I’ll be there soon.” Billy sped to the diner.

He saw Steve sitting on the curb outside, his face buried into his knees.

He had gone with outfit option number 4 from his Instagram, a thick cardigan, made of soft dark green wool, his nice jeans, the ones that made his ass look great, and a soft t-shirt. His hair was the most done Billy had seen it in a while. It made Billy’s heart break.

He pulled into a spot, dropping to sit next to Steve.

“You wanna talk about it?” His eyes were red-rimmed, glazed over as he loked at Billy.

“He was, he was so different from how he, how he was. He kept ignoring me, and flirting with the waitress, and he kept like, pointing out the scars on my face, like, like the one here,” he poked at his hairline. “And he said, I’d cuter without it, but, but that I’m still okay for a fuck if he took me face down, because, because my ass is the only thing I got goin’ for me-” Billy pulled him into a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry, Baby. You’re so much better than that, than him.” He kissed the mark on Steve’s hairline. “He still in there?”

“Yeah. I asked him to take me home and he said if I was gonna give him blueballs he might as well fuck the waitress. Since she’s hotter than me anyhow.”

“Stay here.” Billy got up, cracking his neck as he walked into the diner. He found the guy right away, was smiling so sleazy at the waitress in question who looked like she’d rather die than go out with him, but needed a good tip. He stared at her ass when she walked away.

Billy sat in the seat across from his.

“So, Benjamin. Figured you and I ought the have a little chat.”

“Who the fuck are you?”

“My name’s Billy.” Ben rolled his eyes.

“God, Steve wouldn’t shut the fuck up about you.” Billy’s heart swelled, but he was on a mission.

“Steve is the best person in this whole God-forsaken world. And you dare treat him like he’s shit on your shoe. You’re fucking disgusting.” He reached up, pulling on the collar of his shirt, slamming his nose into the table, letting his head bounce back up.

“What the fuck, you psycho.”

“He is like sunshine, he is the only thing good in this fucking town, and you have the audacity to hurt him. He is made of love, and you could;ve had him, but you’re a garbage human who deserves jack shit.” He stood from the table, Ben’s nose bleeding into a mad of napkins.

“If you don’t at least text him an apology, I will be breaking more than just your nose.”

Billy stood up, sweeping out of the diner to find Steve waiting by the passenger seat of his car. They drove to Steve’s in silence apart from the odd sniffle from Steve.

They sat for a moment in his drive way, the car off, crickets chirping in the bushes.

“I heard what you said.” Steve’s eyes were wide, his face shadowed.

“And?”

“I didn’t know you felt like that. About me I mean.” Billy sighed.

“Stevie, you are probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I, I love you.” Billy was fidgeting with the steering wheel.

“You mean it?” Billy just nodded, looking straight ahead through the windshield at Steve’s house. “I love you too. Like, a lot. I just thought, maybe you didn’t, didn’t feel the same.” Billy whipped around to look at Steve, see if he was lying.

All he say on his face was such happiness at Billy’s admission.

“You should stay the night.” Steve’s hand was closing around his wrist.

“Look, if we’re gonna do this, I wanna do it right. I wanna, take you out, and spend time with you in a, in a romantic way before we, before we do anything.” Steve’s eyes were so soft.

“Okay. You wanna go out tomorrow? We can do something chill, like, like see a movie.”

“I would really like that, Pretty Boy.” He took Steve’s hand.

“Can I kiss you goodnight, then? Kiss you thanks for saving me back there. Being my knight in shining armor, defending my honor and all that?” Billy’s mind was spinning as he breathed out yeah.

Kissing Steve was as perfect as he always thought it would be.

His pretty lips were soft, and he made these breathy little noises into Billy’s mouth, their hands were still clasped together, Steve’s other holding onto Billy’s bicep, Billy weaving a hand into Steve’s hair.

Steve’s eyes were closed when they pulled apart, they were soft when he blinked them open.

“So, tomorrow then.” Billy grinned, pressing a kiss to his nose.

“Tomorrow, Pretty Boy. I’ll call you in the morning. We’ll talk.” Steve danced like a loser all the way up to his porch, making Billy laugh and flash his headlights. He stumbled through the front door.

Billy texted Robin right when he got home, sent her a simple Benjamin’s the worst but you’ll be happy to know I pulled my head outta my ass :)

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

Pride Month Reflections in 2021

I used to tell myself I would come out to my extended family and friends when it became relevant. When there was something to tell. A person I was seeing that I would need to explain to the family. In my family, you’re never just telling one person. It’s a network of gossip-one I’ve gleefully taken part in when, for instance, my cousin got his first girlfriend, and my grandma and I gossiped for a half hour about everything we knew. 

It also just seemed unnecessary to go through the effort of making a “coming out” post on facebook or instagram. I knew some family members would be offended, not by my sexuality, but by the fact that they were not told personally. My decision to go to grad school, for instance, when announced on facebook, was met with congratulatory, but underhanded remarks about “how am I just hearing about this.”

I came out to my sisters and mother freshman year of college. I had fallen hard for a friend, to the point of no longer being able to deny that my attraction to women was not simply an aesthetic one. I’d come out to my roommate (actually at the same time she came out to me) and my high school best friend several weeks earlier. While those experiences were nerve wracking to some degree, mostly because I was afraid, luckily completely unfounded, that my attraction to women would make my roommate uncomfortable sharing a room with me, it was nothing compared to the heart-pounding, sweating, all encompassing shaking when I came out to my mom. I’ve still never talked about it with my dad. When I asked my mom once if he knew, she said “I must’ve told him at some point? Yeah, I’m sure I must’ve.” While this was not a completely confident response, my dad can hardly be confused at this point, none the least because he kindly told me I had been tagged in a “Queers on Stage” post just in case there was anyone I wasn’t ready to know I was, indeed, part of the queer of Queers on Stage. 

In college, I was delighted that 90% of my friends also experienced queer attraction and romance, and truly every single one of my high school close friends has since come out, at least to our friend group. I’ve kissed two of my best friends onstage in multiple shows, sent hundreds of gay memes in group chats, and generally found myself in such queer friendly spaces that I was able to forget that non-queer spaces exist, particularly because I graduated during the early days of the pandemic and ended up only seeing my 4 vegetarian, radical leftist, majority queer housemates for 12 months. 

So I found myself unexpectedly shaken when I received a text from my grandmother out of the blue. The only part of which I could preview said “Hello my Gay Catholic [my name]. Yes, it was brought to my attention.” +1 for her subtle dig at the impersonal method of discovery about my own affairs. I knew what this must have been in response to. My sister had posted a message for pride month affirming the place of the queer community in religious spaces, and her own personal commitment to allyship. An absolute asshole commented something stating that accepting queer people as they are was leading them away from the church and was harming their ability to get into heaven. After vocalizing several cuss filled responses, which included a wrathful yell that catholics like him are the reason that queer people don’t and never have felt welcome in catholic spaces, I replied with “Please delete your comment-sincerely, a queer catholic” and reported him. I’m not sure if my report deleted his comment or my sister did (I highly doubt he deleted his own comment and for that he can f*ck off!), but it must have been up long enough for my grandma to see it. 

I have a lot of complex feelings for my grandma. Some of my favorite memories from childhood involved making crafts with her, decorating cookies, unwrapping ornate Christmas presents at her house, and eating her incredible cooking. On the other hand, in recent years she’s gotten swept up in far right ideologies, to the point of publicly announcing that Biden stole the election through voter fraud, among other ridiculous conspiracy theories. But, she also pulled me aside during my sister’s wedding to genuinely ask how she should address one of my sister’s friends who was trans and using new pronouns. I have trouble reconciling the grandma who makes far right posts on facebook with the one who I wrote an essay about in 2nd grade for the prompt “who is your hero”, talking about her beating cancer and her upbeat look on life. 

Looking at the preview of the text on my phone, I found it hard to imagine she’d sent a condemnation, but I couldn’t help but worry. When I’m nervous or feel like I’m about to get bad news, I feel as if ice has travelled through my entire body, my hands start shaking, and I lose all strength in my limbs. I have a theory that the overwhelming majority of queer people will still experience anxiety coming out to someone, even when they know that the response will be a positive one. Even when things go well, they don’t go like you planned. When I came out to my mom, my sister and I were sitting in the backseat of the car, driving back from a rehearsal together. I couldn’t pay attention to any part of the conversation because I just kept telling myself “I’ll say it to her at 9:45pm. 9:45. 10 more minutes. 5. 1. 0. Mom I’m bi” The statement was entirely at odds with whatever they had been talking about before, coming out of nowhere, which may have explained how slow my mom was on the uptake. She said ok and something else affirmative, but didn’t mention anything about how she loved me to my recollection. Or if she did it felt somewhat rote. I remember feeling disappointment. We stopped by the store, however, and she picked up a “bai” drink and said “look it’s you!” and I knew things would be ok. Later, my sister would tell me that mom was just sad I hadn’t told her earlier. 

I don’t think straight people understand that it is harder to come out to someone you’ve known for a long time (or indeed forever) than to someone you’ve known for a few months, such as my roommate. Coming out to someone who has known you for years feels like you’re telling them “I’ve been lying to you all this time” particularly when thinking about statements you may have made to assert your straightness to yourself and others. I remember being relieved when I found a photo of Draco Malfoy attractive in middle school because I thought it meant I had to be straight. The time in 9th grade that a girl flipped her hair and I was captivated? I was just envious because she was prettier than me. My disappointment in my mom’s response was furthered when I took her and the family to see Love, Simon, in the hopes that the movie could explain what I couldn’t about how hard it is to come out to the people you love and who love you. After the movie, I was crushed when she said “I don’t know why he was so nervous to come out to them.”

All this to say, it took me an hour to gear myself up to open the text. Inside was this message: 

“Hello my Gay Catholic [my name]. Yes, it was brought to my attention. I love you for who you are not what you choose (unless it’s evil destructive murderous) . And you are from that. You are the most  vivacious, loving, happy, energetic, intelligent, sassy with heart 💜 ❤️💜 kinda person who sparkles in everything you do. 

Remember,  you cannot force people to change their minds.  Reciprocate & allow them to be them, allow the space, and time. And if they don’t, don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean they dislike you. Love unconditionally and tell them you still love/like them. 

 I L🌺VE YOU”

The first time I read it I focused on the positive. She loved me (even if she made assumptions about my queer identity with the label she chose when I don’t even fully know how to label myself other than queer). Reading it the second and third time, I got frustrated. I was frustrated because I hate the idea that we have to come out at all. I didn’t mean my comment to be taken as a “hello world please accept me!” It was awkward and I shouldn’t have to ask for people’s acceptance, especially from my loved ones. Then I got mad, because the second paragraph told me I had to accept others when they wouldn’t accept me. This is probably where I experience the most cognitive dissonance with my catholic faith. I’m supposed to turn the other cheek, but at the same time, when other people are hurting me for something I cannot change and does no harm to others, how can I not respond to that in a negative way or take it personally? Maybe that’s why I don’t feel like coming out, because it gives people the chance, however unlikely, that they can reject me. However, if I live my life, post as I like, share content, and hopefully someday share moments with a person I love, I am simply living an unremarkable life in the truest sense of the word. I don’t accept unconditional love when that love is toxic or harmful. I’ll say it again, if someone tells me I’m going to hell for being queer, they are choosing to target a part of me I cannot change and that doesn’t actively cause harm to others. They are causing harm to me in targeting my identity. And I count myself lucky because I am a white woman of unremarkable face and body that doesn’t give off strong queer vibes. Others in the community face far worse physical and mental violence because of people who refuse to “change their minds”. 

I started this essay intending to write about the fact that I am turning 23 and have only ever kissed someone as part of a character I played onstage. I’ve been on a few first dates, but have never been in a relationship or even felt close to one. I experience true attraction so rarely that I can count it on one hand. I don’t know who I am and I often feel like there must be something wrong with me because I’ve never found myself romantically involved. I expected this essay to be an in-depth analysis of my feelings of inferiority and imposter syndrome in the queer community, but unexpectedly this feels like something else. You don’t need to be sexually or romantically active to be a part of the queer community. This community is about acceptance. It’s about love. It’s about calling out harm and rooting out exclusivity. At least, that’s the kind of community it should be. I’m not gonna lie, we have a long way to go, but at the root of what makes us different is our ability to be expansively, intentionally, and incandescently ourselves. Whether or not I end up with a romantic partner anytime soon (and yes I am taking offers), I know myself better than anyone and I know I belong. And, as I once wrote defiantly on my arm during a tough day for middle school me, I know I should “do no harm and take no shit”.