#but i guess ill go to lunch because i know itll make me feel better | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thee4 · 7 years

Text

im back. 2 days in a row. new record.

Workout tonight, when you get home

Call a lasik doctor

Make a hair appointment

Please call a counselor, you need mental help

Pack so you don’t have to worry about those orders

Close out orders asap. Don’t open anymore

Think about what you can do to better yourself

You already forgot what you wrote down on the post its

Youre not a failure, itll be okay

Don’t quit

Hi dear, im back. Its happening again. I need an outlet. Who knew that yesterday would call me back. To my old ways. Of writing to a tumblr when I was in a crisis. Im crying for help. But no one can help me. I can only help myself. I can dream that I can only help myself. Its not fun. no. its never fun to feel like I need to work on myself. I hate feelings. Feelings are not fun. it makes me sad. That’s why I love Korean dramas and fanfiction so much. Cause its an outlet for me. To project my feelings in a way to protect my real feelings. I love to blame fanfiction and shows for making me emo. Now that I think about it, I just want a normal reason to cry. I don’t want to cry because I feel weak. Who does that. Who likes to embrace that theyre feeling feels. That’s not fun. its normal. But it wasn’t normal for me. Not for TS. Now people are asking me to open up and they think that’s normal. Its not normal. Nonetheless, I want to go into this with an open mind. It’s the only way to save my relationship. And my mind. Ill call the counselor tonight. Maybe after we weight each other…. Im not looking forward to that. God please help me. I know im overweight, im probably obese. But now what do we do. Its going to be hard to lose the weight. At least when I think about buying chocolate, I think twice before I actually purchase. I tried the other kind of chocolate, the healthy one with nuts and dark chocolate. Is it great? No its not. But it’s a solution. Sometimes im just craving something sweet that should be enough to calm my sugar rush down.

Im going into this with an open mind. Im going to get lunch. I need to document everything so when I reread these, I can try to figure out how my mind works.

So things have calmed down. But things will also never be the same. I mean I hope it will be. But who knows. Im aiming to make everything normal again. To disprove everything he says about me. But I guess if hes right in the end, theres nothing I can do to change that.

Im also stressing out before my boss is coming back tomorrow. Congrats. You have a boss again. Wow this is going to be fucking nuts.

My mind is skipping again. As if it was trying to make sense of what Im saying. I need to pretend like FM is gone. Not my bf. So I can figure out what life is like without him. I need to start letting go. it’s the only way to disconnect myself… and learn how to control my feelings again. Im getting comfortable and that’s never a good thing. I want to show him that I care about him. As more than a friend. Im lazy to have sex. Im sorry. But I got used to feeling this way. And I don’t see anything wrong with it. I also think its cause of my weight gain. I say this as im eating chocolate covered blueberries. But I guess its better than eating milk chocolate. I just finished my 2nd serving. I should stop now.

The stupid people behind me think I don’t know whats going on. Good luck. Everyone is going to get thrown a curve ball tomorrow. Everyone doesn’t know. But I know. Cause my supervisor told me. Now what. Whats going to happen now. I don’t know. I just know that I’ll be gone for most of the day. And they cant say anything about it. tomorrow is going to be one hell show. I know it. I know it. I know it. nothing will help me now. theres no way to prep for this. Was this their intention? To take me by surprise? Im lucky I asked KA for a portion of the day out. Because if I had waited, theres no way she would have said yes.

So the development between FM and I is that, we’re not going to act the same around each other. If we cant be the same, theres no point in leading each other on. I want to be with him but its confusing. Im hurt. Hes hurt. Do we need to go through another break up to focus on how we feel about each other? What happens when we get married. If we get married. Who knows where we’ll be in the next 2 weeks. Who knows if we’ll even go to the concert anymore. I can still cancel the hotel. I can even cancel my PTO. But…. I wont. Because I believe that what we have is special. And we’ll be able to move past this again. I just hope I can actually change though. Because he wont change unless I change first. He wont change unless I change first. He wont change unless I change first.

I have to understand myself now. It’s not just about me anymore. It’s about our future together. I would love for him to make moves on his future though. He’s been trying to become a marine for years now. How many more years will it take… I hated school. I hate my job. But I’m here now. I went back to school so I wouldn’t be tied to a basic job. This is a career. It’s a career where I make decent money. It’s not the best. But it’s a career. Where I can fake my way to a bigger salary. It’s not a job. Where there’s no health care. How are we supposed to take care of each other? How is he supposed to take care of me? No health care. Money is random when he’s lucky. It’s a hard job if you don’t have your own truck. So now he needs a truck. Can he take care of me right now, no. he can’t. It’s clear. I still have to take care of him sometimes.

Im not here to rag on him. Im here to sort out my feelings. Here to sort out my feelings. So I can make sense of them. I think that counselor will really help tonight. My plan tonight, workout, pack, weigh myself, call the counselor. I want to be in the right mind when I call. I don’t want to waste this opportunity. Its unfair. I want to help myself a bit before I ask for help from a stranger. I can talk to a stranger. I just realized it’s the same concept. I can sing in front of a crowd. But when it’s a personal talk with someone I should consider a friemd or a FM, I close up. Because I want to appear good and happy. Strong. Even when my actions say otherwise sometimes. Or am I confused again. No Im not confused. I want to appear strong. When im the weakest person amongst the pack. Im not strong. Im not strong. I want to work out so I can look good. I want to feel good about myself. I don’t want to look in the mirror and feel bad for myself. I should do things for myself while we’re taking this time apart. I need to have my eyes checked. I need to work out. I need to cut my hair. I need to. Wait heres a list

Workout tonight, when you get home

Call a lasik doctor

Make a hair appointment

Please call a counselor, you need mental help

Pack so you don’t have to worry about those orders

Close out orders asap. Don’t open anymore

Think about what you can do to better yourself

You already forgot what you wrote down on the post its

Youre not a failure, itll be okay

Don’t quit

I just copied this on top so I can see this…. I need to pay attention to my mind. I should reread my posts… that’s another thing I should do. Lets do that. Don’t worry. Everything will be okay. Just focus on your goals. For this Lenten season, I wont eat milk chocolate. I should pray more. I shouldn’t worry about group orders anymore. I should quit. 2017 Lenten season, I give up milk chocolate and group orders. Congrats. I should also sell my shit. I don’t need it anymore. When orders slow down, when packing is finished, move on. To your personal items that you no longer want. That’s a good idea. Many good ideas. Focus on yourself. don’t bother FM too much. No more fighting. No more fighting. I cant take it anymore. Its too much. But I don’t want to leave.

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