#but i can't fucking die cus i'm just scared. and i have no right to run from a life i was handed literal easy mode on from the start
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comfort and kittens (aka: purring cats solve all trauma the fic) TC*ST DNI!!!! I WILL EXPLODE YOU
tws for: injury, blood, implied character death (nightmares amirite)
The sky was red and foggy, the smell of smoke and metal thick in the air. Their ventilator had stopped working weeks ago, and they could feel each breath agitating their probably-broken ribs. Their good leg burned with exertion and various still unwashed cuts, and their bad leg (or stump, to be precise) felt like it was about to fall off again.
Their prosthetic was barely functioning.
But Donnie kept going.
Because Mikey was in much worse shape than they could ever be. Barely alive, pulse fading by the second, blood a steady drip from his nose and mouth.
"Leo, come in Leo! Please, please just answer me you-"
"D-nnie? You'r- cu-tin- out rea– bad."
"Fuck! Leo, Mikey's hurt bad. Please, we need a portal, something, anything! The Kraang is on our trail and-"
The comms cut off. Donnie cursed loudly, shoulders aching from the weight of their battle shell.
They heard crackling behind them, the sound of metal grating against itself and a loud crash.
"Dee! Fuck, are you alright?"
"Leo, I need you to take Mikey and portal out of here."
"But what about you?"
Donnie placed a hand against their side, grimacing as it came back covered in blood.
Their blood.
"I'm not done here yet. If I'm gonna die, I'm going out with a bang. Now get out of here!"
"Donnie, please, you don't have to do this! Please, I can't-" Leo's voice broke. "I can't lose you too. What about Casey? And April?"
"They'll understand."
They could hear the Kraang's dogs in the distance.
"They're coming!"
"Donnie, please! Just- Just come with me, I can fix you up-"
"I'm sorry Leo, but you can't."
Donnie pushed Leo into his portal along with Mikey.
"I love you. All of you. I'm sorry I never said it enough."
Mikey's eyes snapped open, frantic and wide.
"DONNI-"
Donatello woke up with a gasp, cold sweat clinging to their skin and side aching. Their hand instinctively went to cover their side, fully expecting their hand to come back covered in blood again.
It didn't.
They looked around, vision blurred without their glasses or contacts.
Donnie took a deep breath once they realized they were in their room.
They were okay.
The door banged open and their heart rate spiked.
They snapped their head towards the door to see Mikey standing in the doorway, hands sparking with a familiar orange energy and tears already welling up in his big blue eyes.
Suddenly Michelangelo was barreling into their chest, shaking with heaving choked off sobs.
Donnie placed a soft kiss on the top of their little brother's head.
"It's alright Mikey. I'm okay."
They ignored the way their own eyes burned.
Donnie let Mikey sob into their plastron, rubbing his shell while maneuvering a blanket around his shoulders.
"Dee, I- I was so scared. I, I knew what was happening, but I couldn't wake up! It felt so-"
"I know Angelo. I know." Their voice broke softly, betraying their emotions.
"I keep having them. The- The dreams, or memories. Leo 'nd Raph too. But.. That was the first time you were in one."
"Well, at least I looked cool." Donnie chuckled wetly. They held Mikey closer, shaking.
"I- Fuck, I thought you were gonna die, Mikey. I don't-" Their voice hitches on a sob, tears finally falling. "I don't think I could handle that. I know I couldn't."
Mikey sniffles and looks up at Donnie.
"I couldn't either..I don't wanna keep seeing these memories Dee. I don't need to know how future me died and yet I do. We all do now."
"Yeah. That's fucked."
"And Casey. He-" Mikey chokes back another sob. "He barely even knows Raph. He saw both me and Leo die right before coming back here. He doesn't deserve that. He's just a kid.."
"So are we, Angelo. It's fucked up." Donnie whispers, pulling Mikey close enough to hear his heartbeat and letting the relief soothe them.
"Is..Is it bad that I wanna check on him? And the rest of our brothers? I just.."
"Need to know they're okay. I get it. Lemme get my glasses quickly."
Donnie wipes their eyes before pulling on their favorite purple hoodie and putting on their glasses. Mikey wraps the blanket tighter around himself.
They both walk over to the living room to see Raph, Leo and Casey around each other in a pile. Leo is the only one awake.
He takes one look at both of their tearstained faces and sighs.
"One of those nights, huh?"
"Yeah. I was thinking of taking Angelo up to the surface with me for some fresh air."
"Alright, just be careful. I'll make sure to tell Raph if he wakes up before you're back."
"Thanks 'Nardo. Love you."
"Ah, you both had the Donnie Dream I see."
"The one where I die? Yeah. We did."
Leo clicks his tongue softly.
"Yeah, that's one of the worst ones. Anyways, go get your fresh hairs or whatever. Love you too, by the way. Also, you should put something on Mikester. It's cold out."
Mikey grabs a hoodie quickly and pulls it on.
Leo idly pets Casey's hair as he sleeps and shoos the two away.
Donnie and Mikey make their way out of the lair and Donnie takes them into a familiar alleyway.
"So, where are we going?"
"You'll see."
"I think I hear.."
Mikey gasps when they stop in front of a box. Inside is a pile of wriggling, energetic kittens.
"Behold! It's babies!"
Mikey squeals as quietly as possible. The kittens squeal back, jumping at Donnie's hand.
"Yes, yes, I know, you're hungry despite eating all the time."
They sit down on the ground and let the kittens climb over their hoodie. The smallest one mews loudly as it beelines towards their shoulder, licking Donnie's cheek excitedly. Donnie chuckles.
Mikey looks on in awe.
"Sit down Angelo, they're very friendly I promise. Though they do nip, as they're teething."
Mikey sits down and tries not to shake too much as three kittens jump off of Donnie and into his lap. The kitten on Donnie's shoulder purrs loudly.
"What's that ones name? The one on your shoulder?"
"Her name is Bitty, because she's very small."
"I love her. So. Much."
"Me too, Mikey."
"We should take her home! She really likes you!"
"I'd have to ask her mother permission first."
Donnie makes a 'pspspspsp' noise with their mouth and a larger cat comes running by, tail up in the air and nearly vibrating.
"Oh, is that Momma?"
"Yep! Her name is Megabyte because she kept biting me at first."
Mikey laughs as Megabyte curls up in Donnie's lap and bats at their fingers playfully.
"I think you're about to have two cats Dee."
"Yeah, probably." Megabyte grabs her daughter off of Donnie's shoulder and starts grooming her despite her very loud protests. Mikey scoots closer to Donnie and the kittens on his lap begin climbing onto their mother.
"There's only three other kittens..And there's three more of us…"
"Mikey.."
"C'mon Dee! Pleeeease?" Mikey gives Donnie his best puppy eyes, and Donnie feels their heart quickly starting to melt.
"..Fine. I'll bring them down in the box. It has their blankets and toys in it."
"How long have you been caring for Megabyte and her kittens?"
"About 5 weeks now."
"Ohhh…Did you see them when they were little beans?"
"In fact, I did!"
"AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!"
"To be fair, Megabyte was still slightly aggressive at that point."
Mikey huffs and pouts exaggeratedly.
"Well, at least I get to see them now!"
An orange kitten climbs into Mikey's lap and starts playfully biting at his fingers and kneading his thigh.
Mikey makes a sound like a deflating balloon.
"You can name that one. He's the biggest of the litter, but he used to be kind of a runt."
"I'm naming him Burrito."
"...Fitting."
The time passes quietly, the kittens and their mom falling asleep in a soft purring pile. Donnie scoops them gently into the box they prepared for them. Mikey gets up and dusts off his knees and they both make their way back to the lair.
Raph, Casey and Leo wake up to a kitten asleep on each of their heads, and Megabyte curls up next to Splinter on his couch.
Burrito falls asleep in Mikey's hoodie pocket, and Bitty curls up against Donnie's shoulder.
The next time April visits she's swarmed by excited kittens and nearly has a heart attack then and there.
#writing#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rise of the tmnt#michelangelo hamato#donatello hamato#raphael hamato#leonardo hamato#casey jr#ft. megabyte and her litter#pbj duo#once again TCEST DNI!! BE NORMAL#blood#injury
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genuinly considering giving up rn :)
#vent#i mean like i got upset for a stupid reason but also it not fucking stupid holy fuck why would you say that to me#like i get my drawing was bad but you laughed at it... like you just actually laughed#this is about an irl btw#and i just feel so tired and sick all the time and my head hurts and i just don't want to wake up tomorrow#i spent time on that drawing. i knew it wasn't good but i spent the time to finish it you could have at least been fucking grateful#i don't even want money from you even for all the other shit i drew for you i just wanted you to be a decent person#and i feel bad because you're nerodivergent but i literally cant just fucking disregard the shit you say because of that#and i can't even fucking cry properly i want to sob and scream but i can barely let out a couple tears#why fucking just why. did my standerds become higher in all those years i spent without irl friends or can i just not stand you#i'm trying my best but i just... can't be the person people want from me. i can't be the person i want to be either#but i can't fucking die cus i'm just scared. and i have no right to run from a life i was handed literal easy mode on from the start#sorry i don't have anyone i can vent to online anymore so its going on the tumblr lol :)))))))))#pls dont like report me for the sui slide stuff either i'm not gonna do it rn i'm too fucking busy#or well busy by my standerds#suicide mention#tw suicide
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A little vent I spose.
I'm not doing well. At all. These last few weeks have been the toughest of my adult life so far. So in order to try and sort them out in my head I kinda figured writing it out on this useless app might help.
Chapter 1. For my birthday I was planning on going on a night out. Clubs and dancing n all that. Only issue is that I don't have friends my age so I end up with 2 40 year olds in a scummy bar. Only 2 because the third decided to cancel 10 minutes before we were supposed to meet up, which I found really bloody disrespectful. Anyway, drinks and drinks later im happily buzzed and semi enjoying myself and then the topic of food comes up. Long story short they force feed me when I SPECIFICALLY told them no, very bad idea. If I eat I will be very ill at this point. Nope. I was ignored and force fed food as well as more alcohol. Manage to get home but my poor mother had to hold my hair when I was sick. I was so ill I couldn't breathe and therefore started to panic. Mum had to sleep in the same bed in case I stopped breathing.
Good start.
Chapter 2. Away for a few days with my partner to his family's house. Love his family to bits, but for some reason this time feels off? Slight attitude changes and snippy comments and I can't seem to do anything right. So for the first time I don't particularly feel welcome. All in all, not a good stay.
Things were finalised in that stay that I really wish weren't. I love my partner as person. We just get eachother in every single way. We can read eachother like a book. But as much as I'm in love with the person, the physicality of it was gone. I've shrunk. I'm a tiny lady and he's a big lad. The physical attraction was gone. I couldn't think about being touched. It was a horrid feeling. Still is. It makes me feel selfish and wrong thinking those things. But it wasn't fair. Not on me or him. I couldn't keep pretending I was alright with it and pretending to be attracted in a physical/sexual way. I just couldn't.
So I ended it. I ended my first proper relationship. 3 years and 3 months. And lemme fucking tell you, hands down the most fucking painful thing I've ever done. I still feel as if my heart has been ripped out if much chest. My whole body feels numb but over sensitive. No one can touch me. My emotions are on a roller coaster. Barely there to feeling everything all at once. It's draining and horrid and I want to take it all back so I don't have to feel this way anymore. But I can't. It would end up in the same place in a few months and it would just be insanity.
I've been with this man my entire adult life and not having that status or knowing you have someone was a massive shock to the system. I don't know what/who I am without that relationship. I've not been on my own yet and it's scary as fuck. I've not had to deal with these emotions before and I don't know how to deal with them now. I'm hoping time will heal, cus that's what people say, but I need a time machine to fast forward into healing the massive hole in my chest. I miss him holding me and telling me it's going to be okay with forehead kisses. Ow my heart.. anyway
Chapter 3. I find out one of my childhood best friends has died of a drug overdose. This kid was my first best friend in the states. His family took me in when things were rough and made me a part of the family. He was a brother to me. Worst thing is, he's the second close friend to die of an overdose this year. It's only march/April. Ive lost 2 people so far and we're only a few months into the year. I can't take losing anyone else. I really can't. RIP Ryno. I love you.
Chapter 4. Home and work are tough. Mum is relying on me to keep her sane because she can't stand my sister anymore. But I can't stand her when she's working with me cus I wanna rip her head off. My sister seems to be in a depressive episode and I'm honestly scared to leave her alone. She deleted all media so I can't get in contact with her whilst I'm at work so even more panic. Mum doesn't seem to care. Work...well... some thing is always wrong with someone and my hyper sensitive self picks up on it instantly and I'm drained within the first 5 minutes of being in there.
I've not been active on my medias either so i feel so distant from everyone and I feel as though I'm pushing everyone away and isolating even more. Idk I just wanna come out the other side of this.
I just want to be okay again.
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