After being sick all week and working from home I’m destroyed that I actually have to GO BACK

Hi, it's been forever and a day! Life has been absolutely insane for me with so many big changes and COVID and everything going on.

So biggest thing, my husband and I have separated. He moved out in July and it's definitely for the best. Back in February I came to a realization that my husband is incredibly emotionally abusive and has been for quite a long time, practically our whole marriage however it got a lot worse in the past couple of years. A lot of this realizing had to do with my mom and dad separating because my dad is emotionally abusive to my mom. It caused me to look and see the extreme similarities in my relationship, we tend to marry one of our parents or we emulate their relationship because that's what we know! Theres a lot of bad stuff that I'll probably post about every once in a while since I kind of need a place to let stuff out and he doesn't follow me here so I can speak a lot more freely. We had a talk about it in February and he said he'd work on stuff. I really pulled away though and I think his actions are so far rooted unless he seeks professional help, that won't really fully change. So fast forward to June and we have a big talk about everything and discussed the possibility of separating/divorce and said we'd each think about it. We also said hey, we need to start being fully and completely honest with each other so that was good. A week later, he decided to move out. I feel like I should have been the one to say you need to move out, but he thankfully knew I would probably have a really tough time doing that and did it himself instead. I'm grateful to him for that for sure. He moved out super quick which was really hurtful and surprise he ended up with a place he hates because he jumped into it so quickly. We still talk a tiny bit, but mostly just memes or stuff like mail or finances that we need to discuss.

When he moved out, I was very heartbroken and upset because it was so quick. But once he was fully out, the main thing I felt and still feel, is relief. No longer walking on eggshells all the time, being able to be myself, not having to constantly shove my emotions down. I've been feeling happy and free which I think says a lot. I've been unlearning a lot of my habits that I would do simply to placate him. I also have been realizing that although I'm extremely lonely and sad, I don't actually really miss him. I miss having a relationship and a partner, even though it was a toxic one.

A month later he came by to pick up some stuff and I invited him in for a little bit. As he started to leave though he asked me for a hug and we both started crying. We had another frank and honest conversation where he said he's trying to change as hes realized how negative and angry of a person he is and how he hates him own self so he needs to work on being happy with himself. He also mentioned how he realized that a lot of his behavior was learned from his dad since that's how his dad treated him/his mom growing up. This was probably the most emotional maturity I've ever seen from him! He talked about how he wants to get back together and work at the relationship but he understands if I cant. I had to be honest with him and said that I wasn't completely writing our relationship off but I was leaning towards not getting back together. Also talked about how worried I was if we got back together things would maybe be okay for a bit and then fall back into old habits. Talked about how he had to do his growing for him, not for me and a chance to get me back because that might not happen. Talked about how it would be a good idea for him to seek professional help with his depression and anger issues. It was a very very hard conversation but good.

Now it's been almost two months since he moved out and he came by today to pick up a package that got delivered here instead of his new place. He did try and get it rerouted but it didn't happen unfortunately. So he came by. He looked so depressed and sad but thankfully I was wfh so I couldn't invite him in to chat or anything. The loneliness hit me super hard after he left though. It made me think, oh maybe I should try again. But I had to realize that, no, it's not him I'm missing, it's having someone around. He was really really horrible to me and I don't think two months is going to change something so deeply rooted in him. As well, I don't think I'm ready to forgive all the hurt and pain he's caused me. Maybe one day I will. But right now, I need to end it, not lead him or myself one with hope of getting back together because I honestly don't think we will. I think it's gone too far and there's no turning back on what's occurred. God it hurts so much though. Like I've spent almost 6 years of my life married to him. September 27 would be our anniversary actually.

I'm also terrified of having to essentially start over. I am the type of person who loves love! I like being in a relationship and I see myself having a partner again. But goodness I have no idea how to date or flirt or do all of that!! I started dating my husband at 18 and then got married at 21. I've only ever been with him. I've only ever kissed him. I've only ever had sex with him and even that barely because wow when you're being emotionally abused and manipulated, it doesn't help the vaginismus (sarcastic shocked Kirk meme here). I somewhat wonder if vaginismus has something to do with that too. Like my subconscious didn't fully trust him and made it harder. We did have penetration a couple of times, however it wasn't ever really good for me. Hell we barely had any kind of sex in the past two years because either I was completely horrible at the task or it wasn't PIV and that upset him. Ugh. But like what does that mean for future relationships?? Part of me wants to just go out there and have a fling to see if maybe that'll help but it probably won't because I need to trust them first. Ugh. Just everything sucks so much and I don't want to start over but I have to and we'll see how that all goes with my vaginismus.

I've got a lot to talk about in regards to the emotional abuse and also other life stuff including: leaving a religious cult, working at a hospital during a pandemic, maybe becoming a witch???, and future dating updates hopefully. Lol I need to go to a therapist omg

Sorry to just word dump, I've been needing to get it out!!!

I’ve Tried Dozens of CBD Products for Sleep—These Are My Two Favorites

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I am not one of those people who finds the flaws of their significant other “charming,” so while Austin is a wonderful person, I will never forgive him for his ability to fall asleep within minutes of getting in bed. As someone who has often battled insomnia, and who pretty much always has to court sleep like an unrequited love interest, watching this happen night after night feels like the ultimate betrayal–by him (for abandoning me, of course), but also by my own body for struggling to do something that should conceivably come naturally.

I have to maintain a rigorous sleep hygiene protocol if I don’t want to stay awake into the wee hours, chewing on urgent thoughts: what I should have for dinner the next day, whether someone is mad at me, how many followup emails is too many followup emails, and oh, did I remember to order more dental floss? My protocol for falling asleep as expediently as possible involves taking a bath, cutting out screen time an hour before bed, and reading for at least 30 minutes. But sometimes life gets in the way and I can’t do all of that, or sometimes I do all of that and I still feel wide awake–hence why I keep a supply of CBD supplements in my nightstand drawer.

I first tried CBD a little over two years ago when the acronym (short for “cannabidoil”) was just starting to enter mainstream vocabulary. I found it helpful for combatting my sleep issues right off the bat, but I ultimately found it even more helpful after continuing to experiment with which specific products work best for me. I’ve sampled dozens of CBD products since then, with a wide range of results. The more I’ve tried, the pickier I’ve become, which is why I’m eager to share the two that have proven to be most effective in my experience: Gossamer Dusk, and Not Pot Vegan CBD Gummies.

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I opt for one or the other depending on the situation at hand. Gossamer Dusk is what I use most frequently–whenever I sense that I’m going to have trouble falling asleep, I’ll place a dropper’s worth under my tongue for 30 seconds before brushing my teeth (the oil doesn’t taste amazing, so it’s nice to follow it with something minty fresh). The effects are gentle enough to almost be imperceptible, but I definitely notice myself falling asleep more easily after taking it, and I wake up feeling totally refreshed with zero grogginess. If you’re interested in learning more about the active ingredients in this particular CBD blend, or about what CBD is in general, Gossamer’s website has an excellent primer.

Not Pot Vegan CBD Gummies are more akin to the idiom, “bring out the big guns”–in other words, they’re what I turn to when I need a more powerful sleep induction. In addition to 10 mg of CBD, each gummy is also infused with 100 mg of L-theanine, an amino acid derived from green tea that studies have shown can help alleviate anxiety, and this combination seems to be incredibly effective when it comes to calming my mind and getting me into sleepy-time mode. I take them sparingly because I do find that I am a bit drowsier than usual when I wake up in the morning after having one, but it’s barely noticeable compared to what I’ve experienced with Ambien or NyQuil P.M.

Though neither Gossamer nor Not Pot manufacture products with THC–the psychoactive compound in marijuana that makes you feel “high”–they share a commitment to acknowledging the complicated sociopolitical dynamics of weed and pushing for criminal justice reform alongside legalization. Not Pot uses a portion of their profits to pay for someone’s bail every month, and Gossamer has dedicated free ad space in their magazine for non-profits that do work related to criminal justice reform and drug policy issues, in addition to making donations to organizations like the Women’s Prison Association. (For an informative analysis of these issues as they relate to the mainstreaming of cannabis, I highly recommend this piece by Otegha Uwagba).

After many, many years of battling sleep issues–not to mention irrational jealousy of people who don’t, I’m so grateful these CBD products exist. I’ve been especially appreciative of them over the last couple of months, as the impact of quarantine on my mental health has made things even more difficult sleep-wise. If you’re in the same boat, I’m curious what has been helpful for you. Have you tried taking CBD? If so, from what brands? Does it fill you with petty rage when you witness someone else falling asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow? Please tell me I’m not alone.

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Finally: An Online Workout I Actually Enjoy

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My workout routine pre-quarantine consisted of running outside (weather permitting), pretending I knew how to use the weight machines at the gym, and group Pilates classes. Since the latter two became unavailable once social distancing protocols were established—and since I’m not a huge fan of running with a mask on—I had to pivot. I tried going on really long walks, which was nice, but I missed the feeling of–warning, NSFW!–quivering muscles. I tried various routines hosted by fitness instructors on YouTube or Instagram Live, which were also nice, but my already tenuous interest in exercise waned with the complicating factor of digging around for a new one every time, and the frustration of not knowing whether I would actually like them until I was halfway in.

I had resigned myself to doing “stadiums” on our stoop when my friend Virginia texted me: “I just got the Sculpt Society app and I’s really liking it. It’s fun and goes by quickly.” “Fun” and “goes by quickly” happen to be two of my favorite workout qualities, so my fingers perked right up. The app is a subscription service that costs $19.99 per month, or $119.99 for a year. I was reluctant to pay for virtual exercise content given how much free stuff is out there, but the app offers a two-week free trial, so I figured it was worth a shot. I could always cancel if I didn’t like it….

Cut to two weeks later–I’ve never ignored a calendar reminder (to “cancel subscription”) more enthusiastically. Below, my official review.

One-sentence recap: Virtual dance cardio and sculpting workouts that mostly rely on your own body weight, led by trainer Megan Roup.

Break a sweat level: Is it as strenuous as you hoped it would be? 4/5.

Enjoyability level: Do you look forward to doing it? 5/5. I am not the type of person who looooooves working out (I have yet to experience a “runner’s high,” though I do get high off the joy of being done with a run), so when I actually found myself not entirely dreading the Sculpt Society workouts, and at a certain point actually even looking forward to them, it felt akin to sighting a rare, exotic bird that I assumed was mythological.

Serotonin spike: Does it give you a boost afterward? 5/5. I feel like a superhero in the comic that is my life after finishing one of these workouts, so yes, absolutely.

Ease for doing inside level: Is it easy enough for you to do at-home? Does it require any equipment that you do or don’t have? 5/5. The equipment recommendations are listed in the descriptions for each video, which is super helpful. A lot of them suggest light weights (2-3 pounds) and a resistance band, but all of them can be done without. The space required is minimal, so it’s great for cramped quarters.

Overall takeaway: Letting my free trial expire without cancelling was undoubtedly the best $20 I’ve spent on something non-essential thus far in quarantine. I really feel like I’m getting so much bang for my buck in this case–super high-quality workouts that are enjoyable and make me sweat. The app is also incredibly straightforward to use, and I appreciate that the videos range in time from 5 minutes to 50 minutes so I can slot them into my schedule accordingly. I encourage anyone hungry for exercise inspiration to give the free trial a shot. Or check out this 30-minute Sculpt Society workout I found on YouTube–an amuse bouche, if you will:

Are there any particular online workouts you’d like Team Man Repeller to review? Let us know in the comments.

Graphic by Lorenza Centi.

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