#but god forbid someone give that to me
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You know shits fucked when I’m active again!! Anyways,
I’ve spent my whole life feeling like everyone is mad at me for having emotions.
Maybe it’s the undiagnosed autism, or my moon in Scorpio. But I have had the pain of feeling like everyone is always mad at me for my emotions my whole life.
When things are peaceful, people tell me my sensitivity is my best trait. But then it’s those same people who turn around and yell at me for being “too sensitive” when they’re mad at me, hence why I feel like everyone is always mad at me for being emotional!
I’ve been in therapy since I was 8 years old, I spent basically my entire high school career in and out of PHPs (partial hospitalization programs) and therapeutic day schools. Some could easily argue I’m over therapized at this point, and I’d probably agree.
But given my history and experience, I feel so well equipped to handle situations where I have to express my emotions in a proper manner. But it always leaves me crying and screaming “I don’t understand!!”. Because I will sit there, explain what I’m trying to say, and apologize when it’s not my fault and I was the one who was hurt, and I’ll communicate how I still care and want to resolve things; and then people just look me straight in the face as I’m sobbing about how terrible I feel and tell me how horrible I am and how disrespectful and inconsiderate I am.
I shouldn’t say “people” do this to me, it’s my family. I’d like to think once I’ve moved out and made real world lasting relationships I won’t be treated like this but teehee also due to the state of the world (I live in America… kms) I fear I’ll never be able to get out of the emotional hellscape that is my home.
Back to being an astrology bitch, my sun in Libra wants nothing but peace and hates conflict/confrontation. I let the little things go to keep the peace, but when I let someone in my family know that what they’ve said upsets me?? They shut me out, literally. My mother has shoved me out of her room and slammed doors in my face as I’m sobbing hysterically more times than I can count.
My grandmother yells at me for hurting her feelings by my reaction to the nasty things she says to me. My reaction by the way is to remove myself from the conversation, go to my room, take some time to collect my thoughts, and then go to her later and try to resolve what happened earlier.
It’s like, okay, cool. So if I tell mom something she said hurt my feelings she won’t want to deal with my emotions like always and I’ll cry and cry and cry to her hoping she’ll show me one ounce of love or something. And if I tell my grandma something she said hurt my feelings she will throw it back on me for hurting her feelings with my reaction to the nasty things she said to me. With my mom the end usually goes like her getting so mad I get scared and she physically throws me out of her room and slams the door in my face, and with my grandma she will continue to berate me and tell me how terrible I make her feel with my emotions, screaming so in my face as I’m sobbing, until I can’t take it anymore and I leave her alone.
I really am one of those people that just wants everyone to be happy and kind to one another. Why can’t everything be puppies, kittens, and rainbows after all? Why does everyone have to be so mean? Why can’t I understand? Why are people even nastier to me when I’m already upset or having a bad day?
Inside me there is a little undiagnosed autistic girl who can’t understand why everyone is so mean to her. Right now she’s clawing to be let out, I feel her in my throat, with my voice hoarse from screaming “I don’t understand!”. I can feel her behind my eyes, watching the same mistreatment she received at a very young age happen again and again from those who are supposed to be the kindest to me and show me the most love, her emotions overflowing through my eyes constantly.
“You’re so strong” people tell me, but am I really that strong? Or do you just not pay attention when I am weak?
In the end, I feel like everyone who knows me is sick of my emotions on some level. If it’s any consolation to those people, I am too. I don’t think anyone ever even thought of that, that I could be tired of feeling this way. Because no one has ever tried to help, they just push me onto a professional and away from them. But something I find comes with being over therapized is that I don’t need to talk to a professional, I already do that weekly. I need my friends and family to be there for me, just someone to listen who isn’t being paid to do so.
It feels like I always have so much to say but no one in my life wants to listen to it, even my very best friend has stopped opening my snaps and doesn’t text me unless I text her first. I always feel like I am too much for everyone. I feel like I’m always bending over backwards for everyone else because I wish someone would do that for me but no one ever does!! Why doesn’t anyone care about me like I care about them?
Why is everyone so mean?
#teehee too upset to do tags again#these aren’t even necessarily for people to see#I just need to write because when everyone shuts me out it’s write or explode#I get so upset I feel like I’m going to die#and all I need is a hug#but god forbid someone give that to me#my emotions are so intense#they hurt#they physically hurt
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I think the distinct lack of wesper sick-fics is bordering on diabolical, dastardly even
#give me all the sickfics#need my daily dose of wump#the angst would just be unmatched#wylan not feeling well but trying to brave through it because hes not used to having someone to take care of him#and jesper out of his mind because he doesnt know what it feels like to be ill#(physically ill that is)#and any illness that leaves someone bed ridden is clearly a death sentence#bonus points if colm just happens to be visiting at the time#colm can impart fatherly care and advice on both his boys#or gods forbid its colm whos sick 🤭#wesper
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I'm sorry but it very much is giving radfem logic whenever I see Billy antis talk about Karen Wheeler. Like, oh she just goes along with whatever her husband does. Um, from what we saw in the show, Karen is more than capable of handling things in her fucking house.
Hell, I don't even think Ted DOES much in the house. Ted ONLY stepped in to lecture Mike only AFTER Karen scolded him already. I could see the point IF it was the opposite way around but come on.
And for the love of GOD, look up Margaret Thatcher, there is a REASON why her grave is fenced off, so people cannot PISS on her grave. (Don't worry someone labelled it as a public restroom.). There is a reason why "The Witch is Dead" became a high grossing song when she died.
It's not a whole, "Oh people hate when women get powerful positions." Thatcher was a woman in power that FUCKED OVER working class people, miners and unions. Not only that but she passed section 28, so why yall are acting as if Karen is a lesbian when she supports a woman that made THIS HAPPEN is fucking beyond me
for once in your lives, do your fucking research.
Edit: She was also racist as fuck, objecting to the number of Asian immigrants that were immigrating to the UK. Cut funding to schools providing free milk to students, saying quote "few children would suffer if schools were charged for milk"
#it really speaks volumes about which characters they want as queer#or lesbians#it's giving radfem#cause god forbid a white woman actually have agency in being a republican#its always “oh she doesn't know better”#what?#i would know#is there an anti karen wheeler tag?#so yeah tell me again that karen liking thatcher is a fucking good thing#it's not a “girlboss” moment#she's actively liking someone who fucked over so many working class people
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anytime I draw a skinny person I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, but whenever I draw a fat baddie I'm suddenly the master of anatomy
this makes no sense to me, because I'd assume one should be able to draw their own body type best as they experience living with it 24/7/365 and should understand it's form perfectly
but apparently that is not the case for me....
#and god forbid I try to draw someone who is badly underweight like me#at that point I might just give up
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Parents will turn their oldest "daughter" into Mom 2 and have that kid serve as a human shield between their volatile behavior and their young siblings at like 12 years old and then be surprised when that kid in their early 20s is emotionally maladjusted. Like damn how did that happen.
#if anyone ever gives me shit about hating the soundwave cassette family headcanon ever again im not going to pull any punches btw#god forbid someone suffered growing up in the nuclear family structure and doesn't want to glorify it#like here's my soundfam hot take!!! rumble got stuck taking care of all the other cassettes while getting smacked around#and verbally berated by decepticon high command! also he was a child!#having fun yet with my take??? is it super chill to imagine?
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Guess who's currently in the ER after being hit by a car and thrown off her electric bike?? 🙃
#that Polish drunkard could've killed me#and you know what he did after nearly killing me?#he said it was MY fault (when I was driving on the bike lane and HE didn't do his checks)#and went on to DO GROCERIES#Yeah that's how little care he had for me#when i called the police he started hurling at me bc GOD FORBID HE HAD TO GIVE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR NEARLY KILLING SOMEONE#personal
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I personally love being the token adult family member who doesn't drink because then my family will be like "here, have a gummy bear" and not tell me they're spiked, make fun of me for not wanting to drink, joke about giving me alcoholic drinks without my knowledge, etc
#like it is so fucking uncool to give me a spiked gummy bear without telling me#like what is so hard to understand about 'I do not drink nor do I want to'#god forbid someone over the age of 21 doesn't want to drink#alcohol tw
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like/reblog ratio goes crazy. literally what
#hhhhhh okay before i get anyone in my imbox saying im acting entitled and selfish:#i know that I'm not “owed” interaction#i know that!!!! we all know that!!!!#but when you spend hours creating smth and you sit there nervously having just posted it#and the notes slowly trickle in#sometimes you just wonder why you even bother sharing it#now let me just say: i WRITE for MYSELF#i SHARE for OTHERS#i will never stop writing#but jesus fucking christ I'm collecting more reasons to stop sharing#what is it about hitting “reblog” that soany of you are afraid of? that someone will see and give a shit? this is TUMBLR#literally who gives a shit on TUMBLR#are you afraid that someone will (God forbid!) see that you have interests? hobbies? likes?#i don't know#i just can't believe that a large chunk of you really do so very little to support creators you enjoy#it costs zero money to reblog#but not reblogging may cost you that content you so enjoy#im gonna say it: as creators; we are motivated by interaction#that silly little serotonin boost we get from a comment or reblog is what motivates us to share#just wow#[ ❀ ] — reece's rambling#delete later
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she's talking on a call with her parents about how it was her luck and gods will what got her into this college who's gonna tell her of course no one because you know 🤡🤡
#i can't believe things can get so unfair even in the education system when its literally about someone's career#roommate takes everything so casually she's just the worst person academically i encountered#and i don't have the authority to say who belongs to which place but it really hurt doesn't it#there are kids giving their everything working hard and all praying screaming to get climbed upon my someone#who spent their first year crying about missing home and not studying not even a minute under the name of not being able to adjust#then how did she suddenly adjust now how is she going on group studies now its all a joke to her#and thats why she failed this year yeah it was predictable#there were friends' friends i know who were put out and had to ask how much did she score#well ill tell you A FUCKING 347 in neet#CAN YOU BELIEVE IT#do you think she deserves to come in a medical stream?#and no she's not economically unwell for most i can say she's everything better than me#and god forbid i speak#im not against whatever thenpolitics run around i don't have enough knowledge i don't hate anyone#and im not taking anyone's right out of their platter as if i even have the right#but sometimes i see people like her and it makes me wanna cry#if they aren't at fault neither ae we.right?#but i hope she becomes someone better#does something i hope she turns out a good doctor or whatever she wants#please don't waste this seat
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oh i'm sorry, i didn't realize we were taking moral standing points from the asura now. y'know. the race that full-hog experimented and ripped apart sylvari even after knowing they were wholly sapient beings (and it wasn't even inquest! it was regular fucking asura! the arcane council most definitely okayed those experiments! never mind the fact that the council TO THIS DAY fucking openly allows inquest to do as they please so long as they don't cause trouble in rata sum) and have done little to nothing to apologize for that fact to their sylvari allies.
but no, you're right, the humans are the worst race in tyria just by way of existing and trying to find a place for themselves. how could i have ever thought different?
#from beyond the grave#hi i'm going to go fucking feral#I'M NOT EVEN A HUGE HUMAN FAN. i have them and i love the ones i do have! but i greatly prefer sylvari as my playable race.#what the FUCK are you talking about#“did everything they can to push other people off their land” are you talking about pushing charr out???? cus uh.#i don't know how to tell you this but the charr STOLE THAT LAND IN THE FIRST PLACE EVEN BEFORE HUMANS#dont even get me started on their HoT take (the One Expansion that anet gave sylvari before forgetting they exist)#and the icebrood one (the charr should have never been the fucking main focus of the goddamn NORN PLOT ANYWAYS)#the “human interference” in icebrood was literally a fucking BLIP amongst the bullshit of the charr getting involved#don't even fucking talk to me about “humans being lynchpins” for icebrood. it should have had NOTHING but NORN LORE.#it was the NORN PLOT. jormag had always been NORN STORY AND PLOT.#“buhbuhbuh humans” I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. THE CHARR SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THERE EITHER#it's extremely telling that you don't care that the charr shouldn't have been there either#and only focused on the .0000000000003 seconds that kas helped in anything related to the plot#while also framing crecia and rytlock's relationship problems throughout as “human-looking” squabbling#god forbid rytlock get some character development where he WANTS TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for his kid#(even tho it should've happened in a charr-centric story thread and NOT THE FUCKING NORN ONE ANET)#and every charr in the world is like “but why do you care??” because charr society is so incredibly FUCKED re: their kids#“being attentive to the story” my fucking ass. just say you fucking hate humans as a race and move the fuck on.#i didn't mean to rant this much in the tags but the more i stared at the post the more i felt like biting someone#OH. OH SORRY. i just noticed that#the person was like “lol inquest figured out how to harness elder dragon energy before xunlai <3”#JUHGTFJHKDFJHGLKFD ??????#okay for one the inquest are a bunch of literal rat bastards who caused a NUCLEAR REACTOR EXPLOSION in metrica#i'm not going to trust a fucking inquest ANYWHERE NEAR ME let alone praise them for “ethical” dragon energy#the “uhm ACKSUALLY S W E A T Y” tone of voice re: canthan tech vs. asuran is asinine and also annoying as fuck#“all of PoF was about humans :(” IT IS LITERALLY. ABOUT A HUMAN GOD? IT IS *THE* HUMAN XPAC.#IT WAS NOT A SURPRISE FOR IT TO BE HUMAN THEMED? WE KNOW ELONA IS H U M A N S ?#yet again. what the FUCK are you even talking about.#OKAY. jesus christ. i think i'm finally done bitching about this.
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I know gender fuckery is the name of the game with alien robots and people are allowed to headcanon and AU whatever they want, but there are some choices to genderbend certain characters that do really fucking annoy me not gonna lie
#negativity#not me seeing canon gay man characters being turned into women and or lesbians#like :)))))) yeah sure i guess that's your interpretation. it's shit tho#i guess queer and gnc men arent ~special~ enough or something#a character being gay and a man is kind of a valuable thing about specific lgbt experiences#and seeing ppl turn them into women is like. ah i see so you just completely didnt give a shit about that huh#it has to be all about you you cant possibly relate or find value in someone who isnt a mirror of you#god it's already hard enough to find good rep of queer men#esp in a fandom that's still rife with seme uke and other lowkey homophobic shipping dynamics#then ppl will take interesting canon gay men characters and be like. ah yes this is a woman#hhhhhhh because that's not potentially upsetting to anyone lol#esp when people dont even tag their shit misgendering characters#like it's funny how no one AU's arcee into being a gay man or something BC IT WOULD BE REALLY BAD TASTE#BC PEOPLE UNDERSTAND HER BEING TRANS LESBIAN IS LIKE A UNIQUE EXPRESSION THAT SHOULDNT BE ERASE#god forbid we apply that same logic to canon queer men though#being a queer man isnt a unique experience at all. there isnt anything offensive about changing them tee hee
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anyways. i hit tag limit and now im going to go to bed late bc i have to clean the whole kitchen. but the last 48 hours have just been so emotionally intense and exhausting and painful. i relived july 5-29 2022 in 48 hours. and it was better than that ofc bc i wasn’t uhmmmm shut down and unable to express my feelings 😍😍😍😍😍😍 but it was still horrible and the worst is over but im still in so much emotional / mental pain rn and it’s gonna take a while to recover from that and i don’t have the emotional resources i need to do so obviously. yayyyyy 🥳
#purrs#delete later#the MMMMMORTIFYING. MORTIFYING. ordeal. of romy leaving the way she did. and never being able to recover from that so the wound has festered#only for someone else i love and cherish and depend on to leave. LIKE IFS INSANE TO ME. it is so crazymaking. i can’t withstand the pain of#it. but OF COURSE i can like they’re not d*ad or anything god forbid a million times they’re just moving on. but im just taking it so hard.#in ways that are so… unhealthy and abnormal and hard to carry and hard to live through. and again living in fear that it will happen one#more time and i’ll be truly alone then. but then it’s like silly tess pepprs you already WERE alone! because nobody can meet the four needs#except for you… or like a significant other if you could get around your psychic block 🥰 but yeah. i am not functioning well and i#don’t know how to get the relief and healing i need because it’s a process etc etc. i just wish this wasn’t happening. i feel so wounded and#bruised and horrible rn. like my heart physically hurts… ermmmmm 😳‼️#also im namedropping at this point idec. i feel bad about it and i shouldn’t but imgonna give myself and my future self this one today LOL
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"Fandom is good promotion for media" absolutely not. Fandom is for the freaks.
#Tell a normie about your Fandom experience and see how fast they turn on you lol#“Oh they're talking about cringe shit again” I'm sorry that my passion for the work of someone's soul offends you let me find a fuck to give#“Oh boy did they make it gay?” my entire life is gay of course I see myself in the media i partake#But God forbid I say that their car talk is boring like who gives a fuck#The presence of Fandom should strike fear into their souls and make them take five steps back from the thing you love#Less they ruin it with the worst reddit take you've ever heard
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Honestly, no one’s ever gonna be nice to autistic people, to be a little more serious. That’s what I think anyway. Cuz those “mock someone for not getting irony/social cues” jokes are always the same- it’s always “Yes I know asd people dont get irony or unspoken cues, but HOW could you not get THIS one! THIS one is about eating soap/a sex act/shark skin/etc, it’s SO ridiculous to not get THIS one you’d liiiterally have to be a RETAR- ....oh wait’
Cuz that’s exactly the point- the joke doesn’t even work unless SOME little r-word comes along and doesn’t get it, so everyone knows what they’re doing. It’s just like. I don’t even know, too irresistibly fun for them or something.
It literally doesn’t matter what “THIS one” is, that’s the whole fucking point. But there’s an infinite number of possible “THIS one”s, so the “Im gonna wait till someone misses my social cue and then mock them” joke will be eternal, and at least in my experience growing up that’s the biggest thing people bully autistic ppl with.
#autism#asd#bullying#its always embarassing for me to confront these#its like being a kid again!#because i KNOW youre going to say 'omg thats so embarassing that youre responding to this insane thing i said seriously'#and thats embarassing!#but thats like. why its abelist#what is ANY other point to it than making fun of someone for displaying one of if not the main autism traits tm#so yes#im asking you to give up on the apparently 'so fun its worth lying about how im not mean to autistic people' jokes#like i dont get the fucking appeal#but whenever you point it out people act like you asked them to shoot a newborn puppy#cuz god forbid i live without getting to publically mock someone who thought i was actually being a weird creep with my weird creep sex joke#how about you not make the weird creep sex jokes you boring asshole#cuz people will never 100 percent identify that you were 'being ironic'#hell im not even convinced that person WAS being ironic#but then again im just a little r word arent i :^)
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MY MONKIE BROTHERS,, MY DRAGON SISTERS,, MY UNFATHONABLE DEATH HORROR NON BINARY SIBLINGS,, WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU WATCH LMK???!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!? WHERE?!?!?!!!?!?? LITERALLY ALL IVE SEEN IS LIKE UP TO THE MOON EPISODE BUT THERE ARE SPECIALS???? THERE IS A SEASON FINALE??,??????? GOD DARES NOT LOOK INTO THE WEBSIES IVE LOOKED INTO FOR HE FEARS AMANDA WHO IS 500M AWAY AND RAPIDLY APPROACHING?!!?!?!?
#lmk#lego monkie kid#monkie kid#AND GOD FORBID SOMEONE TELLS ME SOME SITE THAT ASKS ME TO PAY#I WILL NOT GIVE ANYONE ANY MONEY FOR WANTING TO WATCH A FUNKY LEGO MONKEY DO CARTWHEELS
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istg one of these days.......
#ya know that post thats like texting lesbians: its throw bowling balls down the stairs day u better be game#one of my fave posts ever in the world#anyway my lesbian flatmate texts like the straight female friend part of that post and i love her but its killing me#its endearing but its so hard not to read it as flirty stoppitttt im already dedicating so much work to repressing this little crush 😭#ALSO THAT POST THATS LIKE FLIRTING W GIRLS WILL HAVE U ADDING :3 TO UR TEXTS literally so true but I dont think she means it like that 😭😭#like she talks to everyone that way I remember when I first met her me + my ex spent ages trying to work out if she was gay#bc we were so sure she had a gay vibe but every text felt like it was pointing the other way..... the vindication when I found out she WAS#anyway my resolve weakens with every 😘 emoji like im already thinking abt it dont give me any more ideas !!!!#its not even embarrassing anymore like how am i supposed to exist near someone like her WITHOUT ever having a gay thought#so im not sorry if she sees this. i take rejection like a champ dont be shy#but genuinely tho i dont think shes interested shes just cute like that. and idw make things weird cuz we're still living together next yr#itd be suchh a pain if i made things awkward right when we need to find a place. and anyway my best case is our 3rd flatmates WORST#i wouldnt do that to him god forbid#buuuut...... nope ok enough of that im going back to bed its almost 1am#this is what HAPPENS when u have insomnia tuning into the crazy radio every night#need to get onto dating apps and find smth new to distract me before this gets out of hand....... buttttt i dont want to >:|#its ok my patience is infinite i like playing the long game. i was into my ex for 2 and a half years before i made any moves#i can wait this one out too either itll happen eventually or itll pass. we're good#ok thats GOODNIGHT from me if u read this far wow ur nosy arent u...... jk ily sleep well everyone#muah all round#.diaries
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