Louis back in 2020 - 11.01

hiiii, did you read the articles that harry wants to "get settled" now that he is thirty with his girlfriend, and he even started looking for rings, what is your opinion about it, i mean im kinda scared

I saw the headlines but I didn’t bother reading or clicking that shit, it’s ridiculous. Let me start this by saying the entertainment industry as a whole is ridiculously ageist. Anon, welcome to the show.

So, it’s seen fairly often in tabloids and interviews and articles, women in their late 20’s/early 30’s and onwards, being pressured about settling down and getting married and having kids. Hell, women in their every day lives get pressured and asked about this constantly too. Slowly, the script is flipping as more and more people are choosing not to have kids, but the societal pressure is still there. Because that’s what women are good for, right? Can’t be dating around as a women, can’t be a slag, you have to settle down and give the public your offspring so they have something to coo about and you look even more successful. You are “complete”. You’re “normal”. You’ve done what women are meant to do.

So, we see it all the time with women, and we do occasionally see it with men. Which sucks, and no one should be under that public scrutiny and pressure about their personal lives. But, the term “settle down” in relation to male stars, is used particularly for, you guessed it, men who are “womanisers”. Why isn’t the headline “TR and Harry look to settle down”? Why is the headline “Harry Styles ready to settle down”? Because, not to mention he’s way more famous than her, but he’s also notorious for sleeping with any woman with a pulse (so they say).

So, this narrative being pushed gets way more traction, because if you use the first headline that they are both ready to settle down, it implies TR wasn’t ready to begin with. But she is. Because she’s almost 30 and needs to have some kids before her biological clock runs out. Duh. So she’s finally caught the lothario that is Harry Styles™️. What next?

Of course! Now that they’re speculated to be engaged, and that news dies down, there needs to be another little shock. Perhaps… a baby bump? Well, not one exactly, but maybe a photo of TR after she’s had a big bowl of pasta that they can sell to the tabloids. Because it sells. Harry not only “settling down” but also a potential baby Harry? The fans will go crazy. The public will click on that link. That’s how to sell a narrative. And a new album. And some tickets to a play.

Now, none of this is probably news to you. We’ve seen it all before. It happened with him and OW too. It’s the standard relationship timeline, and hey… didnt TR’s play just start on stage in NY from March 3rd - 31st? Isn’t that great timing for her name to be tied to Harry with a big story in the press! What a coincidence!

So anyway, when we had the whole Louis and E engagement stories, we had way different headlines than Harry. Even though louis was an “off the rails party boy”, we got headlines that didn’t mention settling down at all. And that’s because, apart from a very short stint of blonde girls occasionally piling up in his van after clubbing and an “accidental child with a one night stand”, he’s always been a long term relationship guy. Always going back to E. So, he doesn’t have that narrative like Harry does. But also, everyone wants a piece of harry. He’s in high demand right now, so isn’t TR so very lucky!

Anyway, if there’s rumours two folks are engaged, the breakup articles sell even better. It means it was a super serious shocking split as opposed to TR being another one of Harry’s flings and he wasn’t serious about her at all. Hence the engagement articles. And we saw that with Louis, although louis seems to address rumours a lot more than harry, for image/PR op reasons. Remember his “no, no, no!” In that interview when being asked about his engagement? Ahhh… good times.

So, we can probably expect a BUA soon, when TR’s play finishes, and Harry announces something. So hold on for me, anon!

I also have a theory, that Harry’s narrative is slowly moving towards settling down, because when he comes out with/without Louis, it’ll look more serious when they get together. It’s not going to be “harry experimenting with sexuality”. It’s gonna be “he’s serious, he’s been wanting to settle down for a while, this isn’t a phase”. Well… more along those lines anyway. Maybe not straight away. But yeah, so that’s also why I think there has been a couple of engagement jumpscares, and also his narrative shifting from sexy womaniser to wholesome loving and doting man who wants to settle down.

Anyway, if you got this far, thanks for reading! Always fun to talk about industry stuff. xx

im sorry this is long, you can delete if you want, but i dont quite know where or how to ask this question and i figure this is a better bet than most wlw blogs on this site. but do any other bi women just feel SUPER unwelcome around a lot of lesbians lately???? this has happened to me in a couple different groups within the past few months, i start getting along great with a group of gay women, and then as soon as i mention im bi and not a lesbian its like they get disappointed and quietly try to shove me away. the energy just automatically changes. instead of everything being abt loving women, suddenly its all abt their hatred for men. plus, a week ago, i almost got kicked out of a group chat because someone accused me of being a "bi lesbian" (i dont even know how that would work or where they got that idea) and everyone freaked out and started saying i hate lesbians and want them to get r*ped by my boyfriend?? i did correct them and explain i dont even date men, but i ended up leaving the group anyway very soon after bc they didnt apologize or anything, they just stayed distant. i hope im just being dramatic, or getting unlucky, but has anyone else been dealing with this kinda stuff??? i get so much anxiety talking to other wlw now, and it hurts a lot. ive cried over it a couple times now so i guess im looking for some kind of support or advice.

Hey. You’re most likely not alone in that, but from my experience it definitely depends on the environment and where you’re meeting people. I’ve vented before on here that I’ve told a gay person, who previously thought I was gay, that I was bisexual, and I could physically see the light die from their eyes with disappointment lol. While I know generally for bisexuals we don’t go “:///“ when we encounter other gays or have them in our spaces, but are more or less happy we found another gay person to relate to. But that also could be because bisexuals don’t really have a grounded “community” by itself.

In general I prefer meeting lgbt people online in order to see their viewpoints first since its more open, but I can understand as well how that probably isn’t as enjoyable if you’re meaning to hang out. A lot of lgbt ppl I meet irl often hold strange grudges and misconceptions against another, whether that be biphobia, misogyny, transphobia, general bigotry, etc. So you’re definitely not alone.

Even now with on Twitter, recently this thread caught traction about bisexuals wanting their own spaces in NYC, and in the thread many bisexuals (bi women especially) have come forward about their mistreatment and alienation in gay bars. Which is, of course, met with biphobic statements like this:

My advice to you is to search for more inclusive spaces and groups, and also be blunt and combative towards people attempting to alienate you for being bisexual, even if that may be difficult. Gay people bullying other gay people stems from insecurity and unpacked self-hatred. There’s a reason why so many wlw target each other but worship the ground attractive cishet women walk on. It’s easier. Hope that helped you somewhat, and I’m sorry about what you’re going through 😞 💖💜💙

im giving this very minimal editing. this is a very long post because i thought about gold standard last night and had an out of body experience. it is not very good because i wrote it and also it was like 4 in the morning and i was unwell. i don’t know why its worded the way it is it sounds like i was trying to sound professional and thoughtful or something and i dont know why the fuck i tried that how embarrassing cringe and fail blogger. i am posting it anyway because this is what i do is embarrass myself online. thank you <3 

  Tony after being betrayed said he was hurt, but he knew what teaming with That Guy offered, what the benefits were, and why someone would do it. This is the thing: WHY did the betrayal happen? It happened because Tony stood up to That One. Tony stood up to Enzo specifically because Ariya failed, and when Enzo chewed him out for it Tony stepped in. This was both righteous and kind, and it made everything harder.

  Ariya participated in the betrayal because of this. BECAUSE Tony was kind to him! Because Tony saying the way Ariya was being treated was wrong, and if Ariya believes that, then he is suddenly in a LOT of danger at the champion's hands. Ariya has feuded with a few people already. He has been humiliated for no reason. He has been beaten down by someone who wanted it more. Ariya isn't in a great place to think he can leave and make it. Ariya made a deal with the devil, he's safe as a goon, he cannot fight what happens to him now. Tony and Drew have each other, if it breaks bad, and they're both friends with Ariya he guesses, but not in the same way. He has nowhere to go and no way to fight.

  Tony, however, DOES fight. Tony challenges Ariya's idea that he has to suck it up and deal with it. If it's all three of them against him, then maybe they could get out. Ariya gets his idea about the shape of the world, the place everyone has in it, challenged. And he rejects it! He can't accept it! Tony is fighting to protect HIM! And he denies it!

  And the thing is, this is something Tony understands. Tony confronts Drew instead of Ariya, because--well because dubya weighs their importance differently because of the racism but because Drew hasn't bought in the way Ariya has. If anyone is OVER enough to challenge Enzo at this time? It is Mister FUCKING PowerPoint babey!!!!!!!! Drew gets onboarded and accepts because it might make him more popular, more able to gain traction for his bullshit no fun allowed ideas! Ariya is backed into a corner of his own design, and its not good and it doesn't make him betraying Tony FINE, but Tony understands what happened. Why Ariya did that. In a way, he understands Drew, too, of course. The influence is too appealing, he knows that. But Drew /chose/ to join in when he was given a chance to help Tony. 

  Maybe Drew needed to regain confidence too, maybe he needed to get back on his stupid little feet, it's been awhile since I've seen that storyline play out and I dont remember all the details. But I think the other thing is...Tony and Drew were literally closer at the time. Ariya was still their friend, OBVIOUSLY, even if the canon was noncommittal about saying it, but Tony and Drew were like. I mean. YOU know. You were there. Drew turning on Tony, after all that they'd done together, held so much weight behind it. Tony doesn't demand an explanation from Ariya. But he NEEDS to know Drew is sorry. He needs things to be okay between them. But they're not, and they never are again.

  This is...another thing. Drew doubles down on this to the point it turns him into something else entirely. Tony demands an apology from him, and he /refuses/. He offers some small, pathetic I'm Sorrys during the match, as long as he's getting hurt, as long as Tony has the upper hand, but when push comes to shove, he breaks in the other direction. He's not sorry. He didn't do anything wrong. Tony held him back, if you really think about it actually, because why would Drew have ever done anything wrong? Really, this is Tony's fault if you think about it (it was not Tony's fault)

  Ariya isn't given a chance to apologize in the same way. Tony and Drew clash during the tournament. Ariya gets knocked out in round one, gets injured soon after (which breaks up a potential feud with Mustafa as well and every fucking day it makes me want to scream, I would do anything on this earth for them to feud, please God take me back) and spends most of 2018 out of action. There's just no time, and even if there was, its questionable if dubya would even care about the opportunity. The next time they meet, it's when Tony's the champion and Ariya has finally decided hes better off alone anyway.

  Tony is different. He's the champion, and he's a face, at that. He's earned the title by seeking vengeance against someone who wronged him, and he found it. He's lost in a lot of ways, but he's trying to be confident, and he is trying to become the kind of person who can represent the championship. Not just as someone who got it on the way to a kind of small interpersonal victory, but as a Real Champion. The kind 205 (usually) fosters. The kind that didnt ruin his life.

  Tony is also the same. He's Ariya's friend. In the middle of a sea of changes, Ariya is familiar. They can pick up where they left off, if Ariya wants. If Ariya just...if he just changes alignments for Tony. If he accepts that Tony wants him. 

  Ariya is different. Alone after abandoning Kenta during a failed attempt at vengeance against a mutual enemy. Akira, who Kenta discarded after a few too many losses. Akira, who beat Ariya in pursuit of the title, a loss that Ariya never really came back from. Ariya loses to Akira again, even playing support for someone else. And he lashes out. And he works on his own, because he doesn't trust anyone to help him.

  Ariya's also the same. He lashes out, and he doesn't trust anyone to help him. Ariya carries his career around on his back. He carries, in reflection of someone else's experience, a chip on his shoulder. It weighs him down. When Tony offers him understanding, he does what he has always done, and he rejects it. Tony faces Drew, the ghost of their shared past, and Ariya is there to remind him exactly why he exists as he does now. "I didn't hurt you, but I could have. I just wanted you to know." Tony cannot trust Drew anymore. He shouldn't trust Ariya, Ariya warns him.

  Ariya doesn't say sorry, because he can't, because he's too busy sabotaging his last remaining friendship for Tony's own good, for his own good, for him to convince himself he never cared in the first place, but he regrets it. He cuts Tony off because it's easier than apologizing because this motherfucker will NEVER admit to having problems, he will drink water with a lemon slice and that will fix everything, thank you, but he does this to warn Tony off before Ariya can hurt him again. Ariya lashes out. It's what he does. Its better this way, where Tony can't get hurt.

  (Ariya, who doesn't put himself in harm's way for anyone, who has Evasion as his middle name, who sneaks around conflicts every chance he gets, flattering and tricking and taking opportunities because he doesn't trust his own skills to get him wins, Ariya thinks he's protecting Tony. But maybe he's still protecting himself. Ariya saw Tony and Drew, saw them again, saw how they have something that he doesn't. Ariya can't trust anyone the way they trusted each other. Ariya will never, ever be to Tony what Drew was. The sooner Ariya prevents even the chance for that comparison to exist, the sooner they can forget it ever happened, the sooner he can stop thinking about it like Tony could want to be his friend all the same. Like Tony could be thinking he's just not a threat the way Drew is. Like Tony could know everything about Ariya and forgive him anyway, like Ariya could ever do right by that forgiveness. Like Ariya could /ever/ earn anything.)

  It took a long time for them to get where they are even now! Tony and Ariya danced around the idea of teaming with each other for a long time, talking around it and avoiding each other and not thinking about it. Now that they are, we can actually see HOW their relationship has evolved since then. Ariya and Tony have remained a team, and Ariya has begun to risk things for people. He was doing it a bit before, with someone who definitely didn't deserve it, but Ariya is now trying to actively protect Tony in matches, after matches, when he's hurt. Ariya hasn't asked for Tony's help or really accepted it on a level deeper than Win Match yet (and honestly Ariya probably realistically needs more help than anyone can give him, help that has to come from himself), but he's offering his own. And when Ariya realizes he's not winning on his own, when he had his little Moment at the beginning of the year where he got ready to sabotage and run because he can't start depending on people and especially not on Tony, the LAST person who needs to be looking after Ariya again, when that happened, Tony took a step back and let Ariya work on his own. When Ariya does what he needs to to feel In Control, which is usually a little murder but I like him so it's okay, Tony leaves him to do it on his own or plays support for him instead. 

  Its like... there is a healing in the rift between them in the specific way it needed to heal, y'know? It's not perfect and there's always a chance the writers get bored again and do some bullshit, but like...tony and Ariya specifically have like. One of the most interesting relationships in wrestling right now. It's like. God. I could just die thinking about it. I care them

my experience with my gender and my sexuality

because i think it is about fucking time i talk about this somewhere. this is a cheerful post, intimate sure, way too oversharing, certainly, but i like to think of it as joyous sharing because i feel like i can finally talk about this stuff freely and gosh ive been keeping so many things on the inside and now i just want to shout them to the world, consequences be damned

for years i have fantasized about becoming a woman. i will say it here now: i want to be a woman, i want to try it, i want to know what is like to look like one, to dress like one, to be called one, to be treated as one. if after a while i get bored of it, or tired or figure out its not my true self, or it just doesnt fit me for whatever reason then i reserve the right to back off and try something else. but for now this is my state of being and im going to share the story of how i got here.

my earliest memories of dealing with this confusion are about me reading a magazine talking about trans issues and me watching the movie “ma vie en rose” and “boys dont cry”. i was too young perhaps to be exposed to these ideas in such a candid and direct way. perhaps not mature enough to fully process or understand what i had seen, to the point that for most of my childhood i had this irrational fear that i would become a woman when i hit puberty. that my dick would just shrink into a vagina, that i would start growing tits, that i would get pregnant, etc.

i was a very unmasculine child, i didnt like sports, in fact i didnt like most typically boyish stuff. i thought muscles where gross, i thought violence and fighting was scary. i thought most boys played too rough for my taste. i was meek, shy, and a huge nerd. but i also had a strange rejection for most girly stuff. it was too soft and frilly and silly and pink and yucky. on top of all that, my understanding of trans people was mostly shaped then by drag queens and outrageous transvestites whose aesthetic, to this day, i find garish, over the top and unpleasant to look at. sorry, is just not something i identify with.

during this time i started to engage in all sorts of strange games as a child. i would start trying on my sister’s panties or my mom’s panties in the shower. i would created these elaborate scenarios where i would have all the stuffed toys in my room “kidnap” me, force me to give birth to them and then breast feed them.

cartoon shows that dealt with themes of gender bending held a powerful fascination to me, i particularly remember the fairly odd parents episode “the boy who would be queen”. i had this strange sense of love-hate relationship with it and anything on that topic where i just couldnt help to be obssessed with it but at the same time feel like it was illicit or transgressive for me to watch it.

then i hit puberty and a light switch went off. where instead of being scared or unnerved by those ideas i just kept obssessing more and more over them. i started googling everything i could about gender bending, about gynecomastia, about how to grow breasts with certain herbs or supplements. it was specifically on the breasts that i was fixated, i kept promissing myself that i would get them no matter what.

at the same time on the outside i was more than comfortable presenting myself as a boy, a geeky boy sure, but a boy all the same. i liked wearing high waisted pants, tucked in shirt and tie. i liked having short hair. i fantasized about growing a mustache. what’s more i definetly identified as a boy. i went to an all boy’s high school where we were taught stereotipicaly male things like working with heavy machinery, welding, general workshop engeneering stuff and i enjoyed all of it. i was still a huge outcast and not the manliest person but back then i figured it was because i was just a huge nerd.

i had no rejection of my body or the changes it was going through, i grew hair, limbs, genitals, etc and didnt thought much of it that i can recall, beyond a vague sense of not wanting to look too adult because it made me look too much like my dad, with whom i never had the best of relationships. beyond that socially i was a boy and had no issues fitting there.

i masturbated a lot, and a lot of those fantasies involved gender bending. usually boys growing breasts, boys being subjected to forced feminization, etc. there were other fantasies but those dont have a lot of bearing on the subject at hand. one of the things that excited me the most back then was to call myself a woman. to insist over and over that i was a girl. like the feeling that i was brainwashing myself into femminity was a huge turn on (this is why for the longest time i was convinced i was an autogynephile, and honestly, jury’s still out on that account). then, as soon as i finished i would quickly tell myself “im not a woman” as a strange way of “no homo” myself from my fantasies. i was still doing ocassional crossdressing whenever i was alone at home with my mom’s clothes, again, usually for the purposes of masturbation

i have been attracted to girls for the large majority of my life, it wouldnt be until college that i would experiment with boys too and found that i could enjoy that as well, but my main interest has always been consistently girls. yet a lot of the time my attraction towards girls would come from a place of envy. of apreciating how pretty they looked and wishing i could look that pretty myself. once i started college most of these fantasies came with me, i kept researching about gender bending and about ways i could try to gender bend myself. some times it was because of fetishistic reasons but a lot of the time was because i just found the subject inherently fascinating. it was like this that i came across a lot of information about trans people, back in like 2011 and when i first started to really understand them as a community and grapple with concepts such a gender dysphoria and such. back then i reached the conclussion that while i understood and sympathized with trans women, i was just a crossdresser because i didnt experience gender dysphoria and because i had never experienced anything even close to the feeling of “being a woman on the inside”.

what was more, it was around this time that identity politics really started to get traction, things like “die cis scum”, “yes all men”, “white men tears” etc started to be thrown around and, as someone who had been identifying as male for his entire life, i felt personally attacked by most of it. an immature reaction on hindsight, but a reaction that cemented in my mind the idea that i was a man and there were no buts or ifs about it.

i kept crossdressing, i kept fantasizing, i kept fetishizing. i even experiemented with auto hypnosis because i was realizing more and more that i was never going to be able to truly make my fantasy about becoming a woman real so was was willing to try anything that would get me even close to it. i cross dressed because i liked the way i looked, i liked the way the clothes felt against my skin, i liked the feeling of trying on a different role, one that was forbidden to me. as time went on i stated doing it less and less because of the sexual gratification and more for its own sake.

then the crisis came.

i wrote about this before, i saw a bunch of people i knew coming out of the closet at an advanced age, people like jacob chapman, the wachowsky sisters, even reading about the story of how allison bechdel. the idea of someone figuring out their identity way into their adulthood shattered my world view and it introduced me the possibility that i might be in the same situation, which led me to panic. all the crossdressing, the fascination with gender bending and with trans issues were strongly suggestive if nothing else, but back then i was just not ready at all to confront those possibilities so i supressed like a mad man.

three years later, here i am. during those three years i slowly and gradually came to grips the possibility, slowly losing my fear of what i might lose if i came out of the closet, slowly examining my self and comparing my story with the story of others in the community. finding differences but also finding a lot of similarities. for the longest time my trans ex girlfriend would insist that i was very much not trans because a lot of my experiences were very different from hers, such as the fact that i never had issues inhabiting the rol of a boy whereas her dysphoria had been strong enough to the point of suicidal tendencies for most of her life.

one of my biggest concerns had always been the fact that i had heard from many trans people that their dysphoria hadnt really kicked in until after they started transitioning. as in, once they started trying to look like women then they realized how far away they were from truly being one, making what until then had been a vague feeling of discomfort into a true rejection of their own body. but then on the other hand there was also the real possibility that i would end up having a mental breakdown once i hit my fifties after years of repression and by that point i would look like just an old man in a wig

i think what finally made me tip over the edge were the contra points videos and the reddit community egg_irl. i just identified too much with what i saw there, and breaking up with my gf had left me free to explore those feelings without fear of ruining my relationship. so where does that leave me?

still confused, but no longer scared of the answers. willing to give this and honest go and see where it takes me. im still not ready to call myself a trans girl with all the letters. i understand that gender is complicated but i would really appreciate a unified theory of gender to help me make heads or tails of what i am and what i am feeling beyond vague notions about “the spectrum” and “social roles”. i guess i could be considered gender fluid as of right now but honestly that label doesnt mean that much to me on a practical sense considering i am still presenting my self as a boy in my every day life with one or two exceptions

i have a lot of work ahead of me and for once i am excited about doing it right.

AH. That was me. Im really sorry I didnt think it came off as you hating Dabi. Just an interpretation I disagreed with. Its was really dumb of me to pull that out of context I just thought itd be funny and taken as a joke. I cant see any replies so Im guessing I have them blocked so they must be yikes. Youre 100% entitled to your opinion and I made it seem you hated him. That was shitty. I didnt see it as an attack just a I dont get this lmao look what. Eee real sorry man I see how shit it looks

Oh no, no worries then!!! Apology accepted ^w^

It’s fine if you disagree with me!! I never wanted people to believe my interpretation was correct, I just wanted to see if anyone agreed with me. Sadly that post just got found by some of his more hardcore fans who are now treating it like an attack on Dabi when it really wasn’t.

Honestly I made those posts so people don’t think I hate Dabi and block me for spreading negativity about him when I just wanted to share my opinion. I would hate to miss out on some cool fanart of him because of it. (We’ve got to be careful what we send because it wouldn’t take long for someone to find my post in his tags and just assume I’m spreading hate for no reason and then block me. Not that anyone’s done that, I just wanted to nip it in the bud before it could gain any traction and that could become a possibility ^w^)

If you want, I can share some posts about why I think about Dabi that way (I swear it’s all based on how he acts in canon and has nothing to do with headcanon or unconfirmed theories). Or we can just leave it be, I’ve said my piece about it now and you’ve apologised so everything is okay now!!

(Also, sorry for being rude in my own tags, that was uncalled for.)

You can join in , don't feel scared . I felt scared and it's more that people don't know you .

im not exactly sure how to respond to this but.,its too late for me at this point because i really, Really wanted to join in and i even tried but i didnt get much traction at all, really and did not feel like i fit in at all because of previous history with some of the people in this community. Plus, im making this blog private as soon as i can get on the computer for reasons already explained. this group made me feel like shit in general and im guessing for others too. Im not gonna say who, but pretty much the person who kickstarted all of this didnt get too much attention on their other stuff and their artwork and other creations they gave to the community was used for other things w/o permission quite a few times. Plus, when I was in the discord group as a mod, I spotted quite a few people who got ignored or brushed away by others and it just all around made it miserable. I would've LOVED being apart of it!! but yeah. it just,,, h

Today was very up-and-down. I got up on time but stayed in bed longer than I should have. I’m used to that though I knew it would happen. My goal for the day was to start listing some of my clothes on Depop to sell. Also to get a jelly donut. I had a gym date set for 5:30 and a meeting with friends/business associates to go over photos from a shoot we did in July afterwards.

I decided I wanted to go to Target to get some wall-mounted corner shelves for my upstairs bathroom. Long story short, my card got declined. Evidently I had $35 in the bank, I thought I had over $100. I wasn’t that upset though because they didnt even have the shelves I wanted and I was only making unnecessary impulse purchases, so, no harm done.

When I got home I decided to start cleaning my den (that I’ve wanted to turn into my [very own] bedroom for a few years now, but just haven’t had the motivation/ability to do so). I rearranged just about all of the furniture, I vacuumed, I hung up 300 bulbs of white string lights around the perimeter, I even started filling up a big old bookshelf with my books and knick knacks that have been ~plaguing~ the rest of my house. 

I went to the gym, forgot my phone, went to the store to get some snacks for me and my friends, card got declined again for a $10.25 purchase. Had to leave empty handed, go back to my house, find my phone, transfer money, go back to the store (but not the same one) and get food, then come back home and meet with my friends. 

There’s a big ugly loveseat that used to be in my old house in my current den, that nobody uses except for every weekend for a few months over the winter when one person sleeps on it. I want to get rid of it. It’s ugly, I hate it, it doesnt match anything else in the room or house. I told my mom I wanted to get rid of it and she FLIPPED OUT at me and said “SHE’D think about it”. NOBODY USES IT. WE DONT NEED IT. I have another PERFECTLY GOOD mid century sofa in my basement that matches a chair thats already in the room that I would LOVE to bring up and use again and she just got so mad at me because she doesnt want to “get rid of a perfectly good couch”. NOBODY USES IT AND I HATE IT and we HAVE ANOTHER ONE and I’d rather donate this to someone that DOES need it than fucking look at it for one more goddamn second. “I’ll think about it,” she says. What the fuck is there to think about? You havent sat on the thing in YEARS and neither has anyone else, save for one person over the course of 4-5 months twice a week.  There is no valid reason TO keep it. My friends told me I should just swap the couches and put the one I hate in the basment and bring the one I love into the den, which would be a lot of work but honestly if it bothers her SO much to just get rid of it, then... fine. Swap.

I was SO THRILLED all day as I was cleaning and rearranging and decorating and finally feeling like I had a space in my house that feels like “home” to me. That feels like “me”. I don’t even have my own bedroom, guys. I’m a big collector of ~stuff~ and I have absolutely nowhere to put any of it. I have nowhere to hang out except my bed. I have nowhere to work, I have no desk. My kitchen table is not a place you want to sit for more than 30 minutes and even at that, nobody sits there anyway. I want to use this room to entertain, to hang out in, to make art in, to relax in. I don’t think my mom understands how completely devastating it is to come home and feel like a prisoner with no privacy and NO place to ~be myself~. I can’t afford to live on my own and this is the best I can do and she just grilled me so hard and made me feel like such shit about it. I guess I’ll try texting her tomorrow to see if I can level with her and make her see things from my perspective. 

What did make me feel good though was when my friends came over they loved the room (neither of them had ever even stepped foot in there before) and I had prepared some snacks for us -- bell peppers and hummus, pita chips and brie, a really good frozen pizza, all served on my vintage serving trays and salad plates and cute little mason jar mugs for their drinks.... it was... unbelievably satisfying to entertain in even such a small capacity, I felt SO good about it. I still do. I’m proud of what I did today and I’m really excited to keep going. I haven’t been so excited about something in like ....a really long time. 

Being in this room, even at it’s current limbo state, gives me more sense of peace than anything has in years. Maybe it sounds stupid but if I cant *actually* have a place of my own, at least I can still pretend.

Tomorrow I’m going to focus on going through all the fuckin clothes I have piled up in trash bags and in bins and laundry baskets and finally listing some stuff on Depop. Hopefully I get some traction on there and can make a little coin to get rid of my extreme excess of clothing. 

But now that it’s 12:45 I should probably go get some sleep. This has been a therapeutic rant. 

Edit: I did get my jelly donut and it was REALLY good.

The normals (2)

(If this ever gains any traction I might take the time to fix the grammar)   “It all began in the United States, Murrayville Georgia. There was news that a baby that was exceptionally loud was born… the origin really isn't what’s important. The point is that the universe up and got bored or something and started handing out special powers all willy nilly like. People thought that these powers were sick at first. Well atleast most did, RealityDreamer ended up biting the dust after a short dream in which he fell… The point is that it started out as a pretty sweet deal for most. A rather rad way of life, that is until the wishmaker mucked things up. After about a hundred or so years of this special powers nonsense a special came along titled the wishmaker. He understood that he had one wish to change the universe. Whatever he wanted would come true. One wish, one change to reality. The tragedy of this story was that the wishmaker watched japanese anime so he was an edgy character. Instead of wishing for something simple like the solving of world hunger or Infinite money he was determined to make the perfect wish; one that wouldn't backfire. Damn, if only he would have wished for infinite money, instant death, the easy way out. But no, this self-righteous weeaboo thinks to himself. “If someone evil got this wishmaking power they could do some real damage. Ill just wish that no one can have the wishmaking power, but I am gonna try to be clever too” The point is the sucker wishes: “For everyone to have their own unique power that no one who has ever existed has ever had” But here is the kicker. When he finally goes to make the wish, because he has to do it out loud beginning with “I wish” for some no sense reasoning, a terrible spur of the moment thought popped into his skull. “gee golly, what if I add the word “Very” before the word Unique, to just really make sure no one gets anything like my wish power?” So he did and now we have a population of over twenty billion people each with their own “very”  unique power. Any sane person would simply think that isn't possible. There isn't that many ideas right? Well turns out reality can just make things up or something. It's been seventeen years since the wish and by the looks of things I doubt the normals will make it to twenty. Oh right, “Normals” I forgot to mention that reality  is a dick and didnt give a handful of us special abilities, because hell why not? That definitely won't cause traumatic feelings of envy and worthlessness and why do I care anyways, I am reality. So thats us, “The normals” the few of us left without powers with enough spirit to keep on fighting to survive. Where does this spirit come from? Why do we fight and a bitter and hopeless world doomed to oblivion? I ask myself these questions every hour and the only answer I came up with is that it's interesting and a little fun sometimes. This certainly explains why there isnt anyone left of us I would describe as sane. So that's the truth, I hope things make a little more sense.” It occured to Exazial that Jack was outstandingly bad at telling stories succinctly. It had occurred to him because at some point Exazial had realized that he had heard this story several times but he assumed it was a tall tale told to children in order to give them a sense of foundation in a seemingly foundationless world. It had not occurred to Exazial that someone as incredibly clever as jack could fall for such nonsense. How could anyone believe that someone very determined not to make a backfiring wish could make such a terrible reality rending wish. The problem lay in that he realized that his previous truth that was actually a lie² has now turned into a lie… a lie⁻¹? are lie⁻¹’s a sin? That is, can sin travel through time? Can something that was not a sin but is redefined later as a sin be counted towards the sin one has? How far through time can sin travel? Of course the bigger problem was the question of if sitting through someone's story that you thought you never heard but then you realize you have heard is considered a sin. He really would have tried harder to interrupt his brother but last time he did this his brother got really aggressively not mad at him and he didn't want to test how now mad a brother could get at him. Exazial felt a strong connection to his brother and feels really bad when his brother is disappointed in him. Anyways, the story was over now and…. Exazial collapsed to the floor, nearly fallen unconscious from his profuse sweating. “Exazial!” Jack exclaimed, rushing to come help. Exazial lay on a rock, his sweat spread across it like “Mayonnaise” Jack whispered, his mind continued to race his eyes darting around trying to find answers. Jack questioned his brothers belief in the great truth. “Jack… I feel… weak” “Well of course, your body’s produced over a pint of what appears to be-” “No one can escape from me!” a voice boomed as it entered the corridor. A rotund dark figure stood there wearing a crude demon costume. “De-” The mysterious figure started “Demayonnaise!” Jack interrupted and guessed “Wrong! I call myself Demonnaise. You are rude! Interrupting interrupting!” “Damn, so close” “Ooh! Was that a curse I heard? sinful tramp! Sinner sinner!” Demonnaise chanted. “Sinner, sinner! Soon Great Jack the Giant Slayer will be nothing more than a well dressed piece of human jerky!” “Ha! In your dreams clown” Jack rebutted, “I can defeat you-” Jack let the sentence linger for dramatic effect “- No sweat” (To be continued)

.

Episode 3: “I guess he just wants to be homophobic or whatever” - Isaac

Motivated by a two round losing streak, the newbies battled against the returnees in the ‘bean dilemma’ challenge. After a tense 50:50 choice, the Obor tribe finally won immunity, sending the returnees (joined by Lorelei & Kenny) to tribal council - but Stoner went to tribal with an idol clue in hand.

As Cahaya scrambled, it became clear the vote was to be between two names; Julian & Isaac. While Stoner & Owen attempted to save Julian, his relative challenge/social inactivity and Isaac’s ability to get in with key returnees like Olivia, ensured Isaac’s own safety.

Before tribal council, Julian called out the tribe for voting him out, which alongside Lorelei’s messages in the tribe chat, sent the returnees into a tailspin. At tribal, Julian was sent out unanimously, with Julian calling out Stoner on his way out of the door.

JESS

These newbies.. TRYING TO SET ME UP? I- I'm shook. I don't know if I should tip my hat off to them or punch them all in the neck? JKJK.. But honestly, if I was a newbie I would blame the two random vets who just strolled in for the day to try and cause some conflict with a potential swap near. I'm probably once again overreacting but this just seems so suspicious to me... We lost :( which makes me sad. I didn't want to participate in this challenge but there seemed to be some urgency to get it over with and I didn't want to be "That bitch". I'm trying NOT to get involved in too many things and I'm failing MISERABLY. I hate this. Did I want to be an infiltrator? Kind of. I just honestly want to pull my weight on the tribe and make sure no one wants to murder me. I think I have enough ammo to murder Julian here sadly. So if it is me this vote I'll be the most blindsided I've ever been in my life. Michael and I are sharing idol clues which is pretty cool. I'm convinced there are NO IDOLS on this god damn map though or someone got lucky and already has it. I was contemplating going for the idol in this challenge but honestly... the risk wasn't worth the reward in the end which blows. Sorry if I sound like a god damn ROBOT this confessional. TOODLES

OLIVIA

Had a super great talk with stoner tonight. What a cool guy

I feel like Isaac is on the bottom and I fucking love him I literally don’t think I could vote him out (not that he’s on the chopping block) and he’s not in my alliance :( Also Owen and I agreed to keep our close bond a secret, secret o alliance hehe. But we called and talked tonight I love him too

I guess it’s a good problem to have that everyone on your tribe is fucking awesome but man it makes me nervous for the future. Damn can a tie or something. Isaac-Owen-Olivia-stoner-foxx-Jess-Matt you ALL WIN SURVIVOR!!!!

FOXX

So the challenge ended up being a disaster and we’re going to tribal. Although *technically* I didn’t compete so I’m going to say I have a perfect challenge voting record. That’s how that works, right? I’m just being petulant? Ok. Not much resembling an actual plan has come up yet. We formed an alliance with myself, Jess, Olivia, & Stoner and everyone has come to me about what the plan is so that’s just fine by me since it means I’ve given a good impression to my fellow tribemates. The consensus seems to be Julian since he seems to have contributed the least to the tribe thus far, sitting out of 2 challenges, being inactive, and having a not-great attitude when he visited the other tribe. Stoner is pushing for Isaac but I have a better working relationship with him AND he’s from my homestate so we have that. In the end though I’m fairly indifferent as to how things go. At least in the early stages where I haven’t been given eTrauma by have the cast it’s not fun to vote people out when everyone’s been nice to you but I better get used to it.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Someone talked. I made a couple of throwaway comments about Julian’s comment at the first Obor tribal and apparently he came and told Jess he was sorry about them. The only people who I talked about it with was Jess & Stoner. Both Isaac and Julian know they’re being targeted so somebody has done some talking. It’s been one week and I'm already hyperventilating.  

TRENT

So tribal last night didn't go exactly as I thought. Close but one little thing stuck out. I got a vote. I'm not too worried about it but it's a little strange. I think someone wants me to think it's the returnees but idk why. My theory is that it's chris. I think he's realized im his biggest threat and he wants me to get paranoid or rattled or wants me to lose my temper.  We then went to immunity challenge and killed it for our first win. Later that night anabel told me something very important. That she has the immunity idol. I'm about 95% sure she's telling the truth because I can't possibly think about why you'd lie about that because it would make a huge target on your back. She also told me she would be willing to use it on me if she had to. I told her she shouldnt do that because i don't want to ruin her game, but of course i'd want that. We will see. Going to be interesting who goes home on the other side. IF jess was being super honest with me the other night (which i think she was) I hope it's not her and that swap happens and that the Indonesia gods will bless me and put me on a tribe with her and Anabel.

MATT

ok so after last tribal, we pretty much head right into the next immunity challenge.  it only required four of our nine members, chris, owen and i stepped up and said we would do it.  however the battle for fourth was a DOOZY!!!  Michael was online but said he had a limited amount of time because  he goes into work soon.  Issac, Julian and Olivia weren’t online, Foxx didn’t seem interested in it, so that left Jess. However Jess decided she wanted to put on a whole production of “I can do it if y’all want but i don’t want to”.  For god knows how long, she went back and fourth between some variation of “i don’t mind doing it” and “michael you can do it idk if i wanna do it”.  like jess.  we get it.  you don’t wanna do it so literally just say so. like foxx has no problem doing that so why can’t  you??  But after this whole charade Jess ends up participating.  The four doing the challenge were myself, Chris, Owen, and Jess.  Owen and myself seemed to be the ones who spoke the most and were tying to plan our moves while Jess and chris were just like “ok what am i doing”.   We lost 3-2 and it sent us to our first tribal council.   While on call for the challenge, Chris( i think) brought up what if we lose, what’s the plan.  and mentioned how he wouldn’t go after any of us doing the challenge, we all agreed naturally.  And then it was brought up either Issac or Julian as potential votes.  Which is exactly what i would wanna do.  Both of them seem to be the least active and haven’t really done much for us.  i think issac is probably going to be the target this week simply because he has been the least active, rarely pops into tribe chat, and even chris said he hasn’t spoken to him.  (same goes for me).  So i do think Issac being the boot makes sense here especially with a swap on the horizon.  However i’m not going to make too big of a push for him to go because again, unnecessary target early on.  i want to make it deep into this game.  So my strategy is to make it seem like others have influence over me, agree with them, and subtly push my agenda towards them in a way that they can do what i want . i think being three rounds into this game, i do have somewhat of a solid footing in my tribe and could definitely have some pull later on, it’s just a matter of getting to the end game.

OLIVIA

I feel like everyone’s lying to my face and I’m gonna leave but I also feel like that about every tribal but idk. Something is up with Jess

ISAAC

This round has been genuinely so fucking stressful. It’s our first tribal and Julian says my name because I guess he just wants to be homophobic or whatever. As of right now I’ve been told by multiple different people that it hasn’t been able to pick up much traction (eat your heart out Stoner) and I thank god for that but I’m also dead inside. Like I didn’t wanna see Julian go but he also couldn’t keep his mouth shut which is ironic because the very reason he’s going home is because he doesn’t talk. In terms of sociability I’m really close to Olivia, Owen, and Jess. If we ever make an alliance I’d dub us the losers club but it hasn’t happened yet. Foxx is cool but I’m very weary of him. Chris Stoner is hard to hold a conversation with but I think that’s just because heavy faker than a 3 dollar bill. Michael is an adult and I’m a different time zone so it’s  hard to talk to him physically. Matt just started to talk to me today which left me shook like it’s Day 8(?) This game has started out so rocky for me but I genuinely think I’ve found a friend in Olivia

OWEN

ngl i dont remember what i said last kjfhasdkjfhkjds ??? i volunteered for challenge bc i wanted to slay the strategy but then i didnt listen to my gut in the last round and cost us the win :((( i shoulda know round 4 theyd do 0 so they could go all out round 5!!! but tbh im not sad at all about losing.... the more newbies i can reserve to work with at a swap, the better. plus i got to talk to lorelei again <3 and meet kenny!!!! i tried talking to ppl + fortifying relationships. i called olivia and that went rlly well, i love her and honestly she could be my f2 in this game. the double o alliance? its real !!!  i brought up the idea of the foxx/jess/chris/me/her alliacne and said foxx wanted michael and she told me she liked/talked to matt more than michael and i was like OMG GIRL ME TOO !!! and then I had an idea to make a chat with me/her/matt which i rlly love it seems like julian is goin which i dont mind, would rather michael/foxx go but im not tryna make waves and i want to buld trust this tribal. the only prob is chris told julian and now julian is freaking out. i really fucking wish jess/foxx/chris/olivia didnt have a four person alliance. like why wouldnt jess try to include me on that!!!??? vgrrrrr so idk about her but i like chris olivia and matt rn we definitely swapping tonight so imma gear up1 

ali asked me some questions and now i will answer them. first he asked how my time as infiltrator went and if it impacted my game... it definitely benefit me i believe. I made connections with chris o/lorelei/leigh/anabel, and I believe those will help me a SHIT TON if we swap tonight. jess let me know anabel likes me, lorelei has been talkin to me as an infiltrator, and im so excited to meet up with chris again if i can. i definitely used it to my advantage and i think it could save me in this game later on another question was what my plan is to avoid being sent out as a threat since i am a former winner/"big-brainer" ali said lmao im dumb af. i think part of that is gonna come from who i choose to play with. part of the appeal of the newbies is some of them might not know/care that I have won before. and chris stoner is a winner too so working with him kind of brings that down a bit. when I get voted out of this game, it will 100% be because im viewed as a threat i think. whether its like bc i won comps or bc people like isaac who have been around a while paint me as one idk but im going to have to work rlly hard to build trust with people and make them want to keep me here. other than that its just like...mapping out a path to the end and keeping big threats in the game. uhhh the last question was about who i'd like to see leave if we went to tribal again. definitely foxx, he's working with all the people i want to be working with and for some reason they put him in their alliance and not me :)) soooo love that for me xo bye bye furry

OLIVIA

Julian went awf and Lorelei is a crack addict and we’re about to have tribal and everyone is so fucking paranoid and on edge I can’t handle this

I literally only believe and trust Isaac at this point

MATT

Julian was very quickly the target thrown out for this round.  i had no qualms with that.  Julian was one of the two options on the chopping block.  Everyone seemed to agree on him pretty quickly.   also during class, owen approached me about an alliance with him and olivia which i absolutely ADORE!!! Those are two people i 100% wanted to work with and i’m glad an alliance was made