I got a job as a bookseller!!!

little update...or longer update idk.. same as usual... spelling mistakes and all.

moved into my new temp room for a while and i’m not sure how i feel yet. It is not home but it will have to be home for the next 12 weeks. maybe i’ll keep track of those weeks on here. not too sure yet. my room is absolutely freezing constantly which i love but i’m a little extra cold at night and don’t have my big blanket so i may have to get it at some point. the house would not be a place if be proud to bring someone into. it’s not in the best shape and the girls i live with say they are “clean” but they definitely are not. In the meantime i will be designing my future home that i’m moving into on august 12th. Tomorrow im waking up at 7:30 so i can get a head start. it’s gonna suck. but it will be necessary.

 It’s been so hard to try to explain to my mom that i got this and its always been like that when something new happens. Now i have to try to get myself together so i can get a car (unemployment pull through.) I know what i want and need but it’s scary not having a stable job because who knows if i can keep up with the payments or not. Ideally yes, but covid really wrecked my chances. I am going to apply to all of the different offices next to me while i try to freelance. I know i will end up in corporate solely for the purposes of climbing the ranks and making grown men cry and breaking the patriarchal threads or corporate America. I now realize after typing these few sentences that i just have to do it. I cant keep asking for permission. the main reason i do is because i always had to ask permission from him to do anything and was always told off. its so weird to think because i am literally still so scared of going to the store and buying things i need or things i want or like. i cant even figure out what kind of bread to get because i am scared if i get the wrong one all hell will break lose even though its just me now and i am no longer in danger. what an ordeal. not knowing what you like and dont like because you were never allowed to have an opinion. didnt really realize this until now. I always denied that he controlled what we thought, what we were supposed to like or not like, etc. but now it makes sense. I literally looked at a wall of peanut butter today and wanted to pick out the one with reduced oil with no chunks because that is what i like better but then all i heard in my head was “no you like the crunchy one it’s better you dont like that” LIKE!!!!????!?!??? WHAT??!?!?! i dont like crunchy peanut butter i almost bought it because i was supposed to like it. HUH???? i got the one i wanted btw :’)

dont get me wrong. i have learned to make my own choices for a while now. specially because ive been independent for so long and made big choices but its the little things. its the most mundane things that are super difficult for me which is probably why i push those things off the most. Like replying to texts, or emails, or any of that sort of stuff. I dont want to because it feels like its going to be bad. it feels like its going to be used against me. what a moment of realization. thanks again blog. you have helped me clear my mind once again. it’s been 6 years since i left home and im thankful i did but sometimes i really miss my family. the one that remains. but sometimes i know they forget about us too.

again. i dont mean for these posts to be angsty as fuck or for whoever is reading to pity me. i hate pity. im not anyone’s charity case. I just write what’s on my mind so i can move on with my day.

also, i have started working on my media brand under my alias. i trust yall enough to know for now. maybe you’ll meet her soon but that would risk my identity. hahaha anyways im going to bed bc i have to wake up early fuck hahahahaha no :(