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set-phasers-to-whump · 8 months

Text

things lost and not yet found

prompt: "it should have been me"

whumpee: gereon rath

fandom: babylon berlin

here's a short little thing exploring gereon after returning from the war. hope you like!

He is supposed to be dead.

Or at least, he is supposed to be missing. And Anno is supposed to be here in his place.

He is lying flat on his back atop his bed in his family’s home and the war feels like an open wound in his chest.

It has been three months since he returned. He cannot stop flinching at loud noises, and sometimes his hands shake so badly that he cannot hold onto anything at all.

He wishes he could have at least returned strong. He would still be the wrong son, he would still feel everyone’s eyes on him whenever he leaves the house, but maybe, if he was stronger, his father would not hate him quite so much.

As it is, though, Gereon is weak. He’s survived, yes, but he should not have. Perhaps this is his punishment, for being the one who returned.

The torment does not let him sleep, most nights. Several times a week, he wakes up with a jolt, soaked in sweat and breathing heavily and terrified of things he never quite remembers.

He sobs as quietly as he can. Not that anyone would come knocking if he was louder. But sometimes he wakes up screaming, and his father pounds angrily on the door.

He wants to leave. Wants to return in time and stop himself from going to war. Be a better child, somehow, and earn his father’s adoration.

He wants, quite often, to die.

It should have been me.

The words echo through his head every time he catches someone looking at him, in pity, in disgust, in concern.

It should have been me.

There is no reason that he should be here, and Anno should be trapped somewhere foreign, if he is even alive at all.

Anno is the golden child, the prodigy, the pride of the family. God should have protected him. But it is Gereon who is here, and he does not deserve it.

He prays for his brother’s return, for the nightmares and the terror to leave him, for people to look at him without seeing Anno’s ghost behind him. For the ability to look at himself without seeing Anno’s ghost behind him.

He wants something that he does not know the name of, something that lurks in the back of his mind but never quite makes itself known.

He drifts in and out of restless sleep and hopes uselessly for things to be different when he wakes.

thanks for reading!!

#whumptober2023 #no.6 #it should have been me #babylon berlin #fic #suicidal ideation tw #very briefly #gereon rath #emotional whump #ptsd #my writing #i say things #btw. i am uh. soon visiting berlin. if any eutuals (european mutuals) have been like. lmk if u rec anything :)#i'm gonna check out some filming locations :P

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