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borisbubbles · 1 year

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Eurovision 2023 PRESHOW - part 3: the Borewhores

Time for my favourite part of any ranking - the songs that make me feel absolutely nothing. Hooray! These songs aren’t bad, but I don’t care for them. There a place for their entries at ESC, and that place is NOW!!! Bask in the glory of the grotesquely average! Or as I affectionally call them: the boring cunts.

29. ITALY Marco Mengoni - “Due vite” Autoqualifier

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Whoever reads “Borewhore slaughter” in a BorisBubbles write-up thinks there will be an Italy write-up in the mix. Your thinking is once again correct! 😁

I don’t fucking know what to say about Italy anymore. I honestly feels like they’ve achored themselves down to send male-fronted mid-range emotional ballads, each new one just as dull and insipid as the previous one. L’essenziale, Fai rumore, Brividi, what’s the fucking difference, honestly? I’d say it’s the same old, but look at their entries in the last decade, and look at ALL of their San Remo winners since 2020. There was more variation amongst any four-year Italian stretch in the 60s, 70s and 80s, the time period where Italy were consisently one of the worst countries.

Even as i’m sitting down to review this, my first instinct was “At least Marco’s handsome?” as a punchline and that says it all really? Italy fandom honestly IS barely about their songs and more about whoever (man) performs it, and what he looks like. The fucking halo effect that white mankind projects onto Italians is omnipotent and often earned, but so worth calling out in contexts like these. At least Marco IS handsome, I guess, the first *actually* handsome and charismatic Italian lead since Il Volo. No more “Protecc The Smoll Bean” nonsense.

So um, the song. God, I don’t care how many silly Spaniards rank it absurdly high on their lists, “Due vite” is boring. I appreciate that it’s inoffensively competent but good grief, it and I do not align. WHY DOES IT HAVE SO MANY WORDS. I know that Italians are a loqacious lot and yap about anything, but this stereotype personified in ballad form frankly exhausts me.

At least he’s handsome the fandom isn’t annoying about Italy this time around, I guess.

Odds at Eurovision - ITALY

Aside from the Spaniards nobody seems to care about Marco. One may think this sets up an illusive Italian male flop but I’m not quite as easily fooled. Marco WILL come top 10. Look at this field, and tell me where the jury votes are gonna go towards. Italy will receive a decent mark here. That the fans are less vocal about Italy than they normally is merely an indicator that they’ll place somewhere in the lower half of the top 10. Maybe the Mengoni special of 7th place :-)

Projected placement: 6th-10th (specifically: 7th) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

28. CYPRUS Andrew Lambrou - “Break a broken heart” Semi 2, slot #06

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You know, sometimes the broadcasters easen job. Cyprus released a teaser for Andrew’s song before release, and although it lasted for THIRTY SECONDS it told us everything we ever needed to know about “Break a broken heart”, including what the remaining two and a half minutes would sound like. Great songwriting, y’all. 😃

Upon announcement though, I harboured a faint hope Andrew would just give us another “Electrify”, fulfilling his predestined role as this year’s hapless himbot with a basic club banger. Instead Cyprus imagined some dragons and sure, if you’re going to be basic there are worse directions to go. Doesn’t take away this is some lower-end ID song here to cash out another easy low-effort qualification into the usual 21st place.

B L E R G H.

Odds at Eurovision - CYPRUS

Andrew is Australian and less awful than little Victor Varicose Vein. So I think it’s safe to state Cyprus do better than Greece? They’re guaranteed one twelve from Greece and another one from Australia. That by itself puts them mathematically ahead of several countries in that semi.

Like I honestly REALLY wish “Break a broken heart” were.. you know, good, because that would ensure Greece’s NQ while making Cyprus (which is a lock on PAPER) an even more secure qualifier. Sadlty, that’s not the case. In a fully just world though, everyone recognizes the “Break a broken heart” is just boringdull baggage nobody wants to take home with them, and both Cyprus and Greece get to hold hands as they sink into a sea of flop. Sadly that’s unlikely to happen in semi 2, unless ALL the other fringe qualifiers deliver something extraordinary. Once in the final, Cyprus will beach themselves in a 21st-ish place (with votes from Greece and Australia ONLY), and nobody will talk about them ever again. 🙂

Qualifier Tier: B+ Projected placement: 7th-10th (semi), 19th-23rd (Grand final).

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27. UKRAINE TVORCHI - “Heart of steel” Autoqualifier

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What a big pile of misery. Yes, YES, I am aware what country this is. Any of us would be highly delusional to believe Ukraine would go for something cheery at this present moment in time, but Krut and Finka were right there, on offer for the Ukrainians to take? We don’t have to like Ukraine this year, surely? Yeah it’s TAKING A STAND!! AGAINST THE EVIL INVADER!!! but if it’s about resilience and overcoming odds, then why does it sound like a fucking funeral march hmm?

For all its doom and gloom, I don’t dislike “Heart of steel” though. It is well-made and unique, which I can appreciate. But I also don’t give two fucks about it. It’s a far cry away from the usual high octane stuff Ukraine send.

More than anything, “Heart of steel” feels like the end of success story for what is ultimately one of Eurovision’s best and most consistent participating countries. While it won’t happen this year, I’ve a feeling Ukraine will continue to send entries like these, with diminishing returns until they finally ruin their perfect qualification record.

At least they’re not winning this time around, but more on that in the next rublic:

Odds at Eurovision - UKRAINE

The expectations for Ukraine differ depending on who you’d ask, ranging from “winning back-to-back” to “they’ll flop and come bottom five”. I think the expectations are wrong.🙂 Ukraine will come top 10, but nowhere near a win. Eurovision is not a charity, but there there’s clearly going to be some sort of sympathy vote.. But I also feel like this will be limited to countries with a vested interest towards supporting Ukraine (the Baltics, Poland, Czechia). Most of the other casuals I believe will have moved on, more stingy with their money in a world where general prices have skyrocketed.

In most countries the oro-Ukraine vote will be limited to the expats and refugees for the most part because, again, most of Europe has moved on and also because “Heart of Steel” is kinda unvoteable oops. I can’t make a projection of how many points that’ll be, but I’d be surprised it Ukraine got more than a bunch of fives and sixes? That should still be enough for a good result overall, but not enough to come even NEAR the actual winning entries.

Based on musical merit i would estimate a decent jury score as well, to further underline a good but not outstanding result in Liverpool.

Projected placement: 4th-10th (prediction: 6th place)

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26. ESTONIA Alika - “Bridges” Semi 2, slot #4

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What a wild rollercoaster ride for an entry I fundamentally care very little about. I went from not caring about Alika to lowkey stanning her to concluding that wait actually "Bridges” kinda sucks, so Estonia should be ranked lowish. Oops!

Idk, I think that *within the context of Eesti Laul* where it became immediately obvious (from the feedback I heard from actual Estonians) that Alika would win, I just... forced myself to like her? I also had taken it upon myself that Ollie NEEDED to lose for his overrated ~emo boy with emotions~ nonsense (no, it doesn’t work better if disguised as a Linkin’ Park song.) by all means necessary. Bedwetters would be the ideal men for the job, but again since nobody in Estonia seemed to care about them (why? Were Ollie and Alika truly that more exciting? What a crazy country.), Alika was a decent alternative, or so I thought.

Once she actually beat Ollie, I gave Alika little thought until it was time for the bulk relisten. During that I concluded that “Bridges” kinda annoys me? For something supposed to be introverted, it’s loud and pungent.

The presentation at EL does NOT help it either, as it involves Alika angrily screaming about how SHE’S BUILDING UP A WORLD OF BREECHES (what does that metaphor even MEAN, btw?) with the panache of a crazy woman who was just dragged from a river. It’s like Iceland where I feel like there’s a “solid idea” but the execution is a sloppy mess. Unlike Estonia though, iceland have a very good song AND fun performer this year, so i’m willing to forgive their flaws. 🙂

So much for the ONLY female-fronted classical ballad in this year, huh?

Odds at Eurovision - ESTONIA

Estonia are one of several countries in the second semi that are on the cusp. As i’ve written before, 7 countries are very likely through to the final: those 7 are Australia, Lithuania, Austria, Belgium, Slovenia, Armenia and Cyprus (probably in that precise order). San Marino are dead, and Poland/Romania hang on by a sliver. EVERYONE ELSE has a more or less equal shot at the final three positions. Estonia’s advantages here are (1) Alika’s powerful voice and (2) Bridges being the only classical ballad in the semi. Both of those things can help Estonia stand out and receive televotes, in a semi where their closest ally is Lithuania.

Estonia is also disadvantaged however. The first and largest of these is that the semi has a very slow start, so someone will have to kickstart it. That will not be “Bridges” which is adding reverse alacrity to the already dull proceedings

Even worse, I believe the big kicker will be Belgium. Estonia are on DIRECTLY BEFORE them, which is a very bad spot to be in.

Also, being on fourth with a ballad is never good.

ALSO, “Bridges” in its current state is shouty and miserable.

There are several things Estonia need to rethink in terms of their staging and Alika’s styling, if their ambition is to do well, let alone qualify. Currently I think they’ll come close to the Q, but will narrowly miss it in 11th or 12th place.

If they do make the final, I could see Bridges becoming one of those entries that Juries love to death and televoters don’t give two fucks about. Their result will be lower-midtable once they’ve passed the big old hurdle of “reaching the grand final with a ballad in a full televote scoreboard”. Qualifier tier: C Projected placement: 8th-14th (Semi), 14th-19th (Grand Final)

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And that concludes those I find very very boring :-) Next up are the decent entries. I’m not fully on board with them, but I understand why they’re liked. They bring something different to the table and I can appreciate that even if I’m not the target audience. 🙂

THE RANKING:

Part 1: The BAD entries (Switzerland / Croatia / Israel / Greece) Part 2: the IRRELEVANT entries (Ireland / Albania / Netherlands / San Marino)

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wakemeupinmay · 1 year

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My thoughts on the Eurovision songs this year

1. 🇦🇱 Albania - Duje - Albina & Familja Kelmendi

VERY dramatic, but I could shake my ass to the part in which she isn’t singing

2. 🇦🇲 Armenia - Future Lover - Brunette

„I just wanna make art, read books, be loved and called a good girl“ okay ma'am that’s everyone ur not special

3. 🇦🇺 Australia - Promise - Voyager

Do we know why they are headbanging this much? It couldn’t be bc of this song right?

4. 🇦🇹 Austria - Who the hell is Edgar? - Teya & Salena

Not often is a song made spicier by adding some church singing

5. 🇦🇿 Azerbaijan - Tell me more - TuralTuranX

I have just watched the video for the third time and I start to suspect that there is more than one guy singing, I could be wrong tho

6. 🇧🇪 Belgium - Because of you - Gustaph

He looks like a gay musketeer + weirdly enough this song doesn’t make me want to dance, it makes me want to walk???

7. 🇭🇷 Croatia - Mama ŠČ - Let 3

Thankfully for them I love chaos and not knowing what is going on, BUT I did get scared for a second when they undressed

8. 🇨🇾 Cyprus - Break a broken heart - Andrew Lambrou

I am mesmerized but that won’t get me to like the song :/

9. 🇨🇿 Czechia - My sister‘s crown - Vesna

Idk guys, is this a good song or does it just have a good message? It doesn’t bop for me, I’m so sorry I tried

10. 🇩🇰 Denmark - Breaking my heart - Reiley

Okay, do we also have a version in which we can hear his voice in the chorus better? Thanks, the distorted one playing over his singing is a no no. I dig the outfit tho 10/10 very cute

11. 🇪🇪 Estonia - Bridges - Alika

Don’t worry guys, Estonia is bringing the compulsory piano to the contest this year

12. 🇫🇮 Finland - Cha Cha Cha - Käärijä

Very entertaining and very eurovision by the hulk goblin king, very appreciated by me :)

13. 🇫🇷 France - Évidemment - La Zarra

This. woman. has. the. most. snatched. waist. I. have. ever. seen. Other than that, once again France does what it does best, which is being french

14. 🇬🇪 Georgia - Echo - Iru

Did she get turned into a white worm halfway through? + They surely get the award of „lyrics that make the least sense“ this year. „THIS FEELING IS LORD“

15. 🇩🇪 Germany - Blood & Glitter - Lord of the lost

So happy for Germany leaving its shell for once but maybe reconsider the red latex suit. Otherwise they are really cute and make me smile

16. 🇬🇷 Greece - What they say - Victor Vernicos

How did Greece get Tom Shelby’s son dressed like a school boy from the 1940ies to sing about his hurt feelings?

17. 🇮🇸 Iceland - Power - Diljá

So sad Iceland couldn’t keep up the streak of rly good entries. Unfortunately this song holds no PPPPower over me

18. 🇮🇪 Ireland - We are one - Wild Youth

Don’t worry guys, our knights in shining masks are here to save us. Not rly tho, the song is not that much fun :/

19. 🇮🇱 Israel - Unicorn - Noa Kirel

A song called Unicorn has no business being this serious

20. 🇮🇹 Italy - Due vite - Marco Mengoni

What can I tell u…. It’s definitely Italys entry + Does he sound like an italian Michael Jackson???

21. 🇱🇻 Latvia - Aijā - Sudden Lights

The last time I saw lights like these on stage Germany got 0 points, be careful Latvia

22. 🇱🇹 Lithuania - Stay - Monika Linkytė

What does Čiūto tūto mean?

23. 🇲🇹 Malta - Dance (our own party) - The Busker

I see you Malta, trying to have your own little epic sax moment

24. 🇲🇩 Moldova - Soarele si Luna - Pasha Parfeni

This felt like a spiritual fever dream + gotta love the nuns in the crowd

25. 🇳🇱 Netherlands - Burning Daylight - Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper

This song is all the stages of grief I go through once my favourite does not win eurovision

26. 🇳🇴 Norway - Queen of Kings - Alessandra

Aye aye captain we stan! BUT I would have looooved if the show (costumes, dance,…) were a cringey eurovisiony pirate thing

27. 🇵🇱 Poland - Solo - Blanka

Why is it giving parody of rich spoiled brat that thinks she can sing bc daddy said so?

28. 🇵🇹 Portugal - Ai Coração - Mimicat

I like it, it’s not a ballad and fun also she looks exactly how I would imagine a Mimicat

29. 🇷🇴 Romania - D.G.T. (Off and On) - Theodor Andrei

I didn’t expect to be going to an underage bondage strip club tonight.

30. 🇸🇲 San Marino - Like an animal - Piqued Jacks

He is giving me mixed signals. Am I sexy Aphrodite or do I stink and am poisonous? Why is he chasing me? Is that good or bad? I’m worried

31. 🇷🇸 Serbia - Samo mi she spava - Luke Black

He is very much Melovin coded but I do connect with the message an awful lot

32. 🇸🇮 Slovenia - Carpe Diem - Joker Out

It’s good, I get the hype, curious what they’ll do on stage tho

33. 🇪🇸 Spain - Eaea - Blanca Paloma

Is it allowed to perform religious rituals on stage?

34. 🇸🇪 Sweden - Tattoo - Loreen

After that huge TV fell on that one kpop performers head this performance makes me extra nervous

35. 🇨🇭 Switzerland - Watergun - Remo Forrer

Don’t worry Remo, Switzerland is one of the safest countries on earth

36. 🇺🇦 Ukraine - Heart of Steel - Tvorchi

I think I have never been more surprised by a country sending a generic pop song. Or maybe it was to be expected the most rn. It’s not bad by any means but also def not a winner and everyone knows that

37. 🇬🇧 United Kingdom - I wrote a song - Mae Muller

If I don’t see the name Mae Muller on the writing credits to this song I will absolutely throw a fit

(List of videos I watched)

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anotherescsite · 11 months

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Another ESC Site Award for the Gun show

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I need to remember not to underestimate people who have come out of reality TV music shows. They can sing, and they are trained to perform on screen.

Andrew and the Cypriot entry surprised me in many ways on the Eurovision stage. It started with his extremely good vocal. Never did I expect that he could or would perform to that high a standard live. The presentation of the song was to highlight Andrew and there was a light show, there was a backdrop of water falling (which looked like it was on stage) and there was fire for the conclusion. It suited the rhythms of the song and it's story.

I guess there is one concern and it's only a little one. And I wouldn't mention it, but why did the man come out in glorified pyjamas to sing his song?

#esc #eurovision #cyprus #break a broken heart #Andrew Lambrou #liverpool #uk #2023 #united kingdom #Youtube #another esc site awards 2023

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babolat85 · 1 year

Video

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#andrew lambrou #Cyprus #Eurovision #Eurovision 2023 #Eurovision Song Contest #Break a broken heart #music #music video #youtube music

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m3r1m4r5u333 · 1 year

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I'm trying to learn how to sing Break a Broken Heart by Andrew Lambrou.

My neighbours are probably getting concerned for the mournful husky whose desperate calls they've been hearing all day long.

#eurovision #break a broken heart #andrew lambrou #esc 2023 #eurovision 2023 #eurovision cyprus

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gaymer-hag-stan · 1 year

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Andrews' lyrics were about Greece not giving Cyprus 12pts this year.

He just had to find out the rough way

#Eurovision #Eurovision 2023 #Andrew Lambrou #Cyprus #Greece #Break a Broken Heart

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denjixpower · 1 year

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The biggest disappointment of this night was that my country, Greece, didn't give Cyprus the 12 points they deserved... Unacceptable

#opinion #opinions #eurovision #eurovision 2023 #esc #esc 2023 #cyprus #andrew lambrou #break a broken heart #greece #12 points #eurovision jury

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m-jay-gee · 1 year

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38 ENTRIES NO WINS ??? CYPRUS GET UR ACT TOGETHER

#eurovision song contest #eurovision #eurovision 2023 #cyprus #andrew lambrou #break a broken heart

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johnlockismyreligion · 1 year

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Andrew Lambrou, Break a broken heart

🥉

#Cyprus #Esc2023 #eurovision2023 #Andew Lambrou #Break a broken heart

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aijamisespava · 10 months

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Favorite Song From Each Country! Part 24/37: Cyprus!

Ah, yes, Cyprus! They're very well known for sending a song PERFECT for the summer, which again makes sense considering the time of year the contest lands on. However, as you'll see with my favorite entry, I feel Cyprus really shines when they send songs that don't fit the "fun summer radio" feel to a tee. While the "Fuego"s are good, there are some hidden Cypriot gems that are just amazing!

Favorite Entry: This is another country where it's really tight between two, however, one isn't on Spotify so I don't hear it nearly as much. And since the series closer will be the honorable mentions, I'll spare the informing for later (so stay tuned!). Today, however, I would like to highlight Minus-One's "Alter Ego" from 2016. I haven't made it much of a secret that I like some sub-genres of rock. And boy does this song know just what I like. It's so good and feels like a fun summer song in another genre! RANK: 21st in 2016 Grand Final/PERSONAL RANK: 9th of 42 Countries

Thoughts on 2023 Entry: Australia's own Andrew Lambrou comes to Cyprus (his roots) to bring us "Break A Broken Heart" this year. And...like I said earlier, it's breaks away from the usual "fun summer radio" vibe and brings us a powerful breakup ballad (which also is a pleasure of mine). The hook is catchy and it feels as heartbreaking as desired. Very well done, deserved their result, all around good! *side note, I've been low key parodying the song every once in a while "You can't break a broken [item] AAAAAA" now you know why* RANK: 12th in 2023 Grand Final/PERSONAL RANK: 22nd of 37 Countries

#esc #eurovision song contest #esc 2023 #eurovision #eurovision 2023 #esc2016 #minus-one #alter ego #andrew lambrou #break a broken heart #Spotify

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ellayuki · 1 year

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boy has a good voice, but again, radio song, mainstreamy

i like it well enough tho i wouldn't vote for it 🤷🏻‍♀️

#esc 2023 #eurovision #cyprus #andrew lambrou #break a broken heart #by moi

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borisbubbles · 4 months

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Eurovision 2023: #27

27. CYPRUS Andrew Lambrou - "Break a broken heart" 12th place

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Decade ranking: 88/116 [Above Ochmann, below Amanda Tenfjord] Hang on, left side on the scoreboard? 😕 If you say so...

And it was on Wednesday 20 December 2023 that BorisBubbles faced one of his greatest challenges yet. Figure out interesting things to write about Andrew Lambrou. What a thoroughly uninteresting journey it has been for Cyprus. Arguably one of the MOST uninteresting since i started blogging actually.

Even finding moments to gif was a struggle.

So to prep for this write-up I did the following:

1) Looked at my preshow review for an entry point, but turns out I bailed almost immediately on Andrew back then as well <3

2) Accused ChatGPT of writing Break a Broken Heart. Then when it denied involvement, interrogated it about AI songwriting bots and and forced it to snitch on them. THEY EXIST and the EBU hasn't banned their use yet so welp 2024/2025 will be rancid, I guess.

3) Listened to Break A Broken Heart (and honestly, I almost forgot this step altogether. I really wish I was joking right now.)

And all gave me ZERO inspiration 😁 We knew what we were in for the second the teaser dropped. That song ("what song?" -- my friend André), that result, that staging, to a tee. We knew Andrew was specifically cast by Cyprus to grab a qual and be there. (unless you buy into the stupidity that somebody saw "Electrify" and thought "THAT GUY! THAT ONE! HE'S GONNA WIN EUROVISION FOR US!!"). So he did, uncared for by all except for a few youtube comment bots pretending to be fit women. Nothing beyond the basest "imagination" was used to make Andrew or his song engaging. Even during "Electrify" you could somewhat enjoy him for being a dimwitted but benevolent beta male. "Break a broken heart" is so devoid of flavour it could have been performed by a hologram and it would have made the exact same impact. It sapped Andrew of any personality and texture he could have had. Impressively bland from head to tail.

EVEN AT THIS STAGE, MONTHS AFTER THE CONTEST my most salient Andrew memory is the twitter gays fawning over him cuz you know, Hot Guy From Australia, only to IMMEDIATELY forget about him when Marco sauntered over the stage with a rainbow banner during the flag parade. I don't even care about Marco but lmfao. Where Marco was the true gay-coded himbot the cigarettes yearned for at a time of total Kenmania, Andrew felt like the Bangladeshi sweatshop equivalent, a cheaper alternative outclassed on every front.

That said, I don't even DISLIKE "Break a broken heart" or Andrew. Like, how could you muster up emotion for that. Besides, there are worse songs to listen to, esp at the 2023 contest, and I would not press skip if this song snuck into an algorithm-generated Eurovision Mix playlist. Though that might just be because I would barely notice it was on there in the first place. 😬

THE RANKING

#Eurovision #Eurovision Song Contest #Eurovision 2023 #Borisbubbles #Liverpool 2023 #Cyprus #Andrew Lambrou #Break a broken heart #Youtube

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