#blorbo from my epic poems | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

longdeadking · 4 months

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dashboard simulator

👯 crows-on-a-log

guys im literally undergoing a crisis right now can anyone hear me

#my dad goin craaaaazy #he stole the lightbulbs out of my ezbake oven for the fifth time :( #vent post #delete later

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☠️ williamaftonshugepersonality 🔁

😶‍🌫️ boypenis Follow

MEDIA DASHBOARD SIMULATOR

😃 blogname-here

did yall see the new episode......... glopp sploinky was sooooooooooooo

#im normal about him! #<- blatant lies #media liveblog

(24 notes)

😼 discourse-haver Follow

i just dont see why we have to portray every male character in Media as female....... cant we just leave them male, as the creators intended? lol

🪴 rational-thinker

what world do you live in that people are being forced to hc male characters as female????

😼 discourse-haver Follow

youd understand if you were a fandom elder like me.......

🪴 rational-thinker

your blog is a month old

(104 notes)

😚 trustedmutual 🔁

👙 cup-size-tournament Follow

glopp sploinky propaganda:

he's literally just a cisgender man with 5 minutes of screentime

Woman McAwesome propaganda:

she has a canonical rack, she's a lead character, she's super buff and could crush you, she has an interesting arc and her emotional narrative factors into the main plot in impactful ways

#vote glopp sploinky!!!! #GLOPP SPLOINKY SWEEEEEP!!!!! #thats my husband! fuck woman mcawesome lol

(1,267 notes)

🖌 supercoolartist 🔁

🖌 supercoolartist

made a little doodle <3

if you dont reblog my art ill kill you btw <3

#self rb for the morning crowd #glopp sploinky x blorbo C #gloc fanart

(12 notes)

Based on your Likes!

😈 guy-you-have-blocked Follow

hey anyone want to hear the worst take of all time as shown through a low-effort meme that i stole from reddit?

(127,363 notes)

😚 trustedmutual 🔁

💝 fandomroyalty Follow

i would let woman mcawesome step on my face

💝 fandomroyalty Follow 🔁

10k woman mcawesome hornyposting

#happy woman mcawesome hornyposting wednesday

(11,560 notes)

#long post #dashboard simulator

13,498 notes

🍊 the-real-onceler

all im saying is that homestuck is actually a modern epic poem a la gilgamesh the oddesey the journey to the west etc. essay below the cut if you want me to cite my sources

#onceler essays #i literally wrote my thesis on this

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🤡 puns-are-for-losers

goncharov ebby deepy glup shitto blorbo old man yaoi vanilla extract post simulators tournaments tumblr live homestuck 2 barbenheimer. we didnt start the fire

656,099 notes

🦋 axels-random-blog 🔁

🌹 girluterus Follow

what if weevils had tumblr

👤 burrowing-for-goodies-deactivated-2024

guyssss i just found the juiciest tomato to chow down on.... hmu for my location in the garden

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🐛 evil-weevil

attention garden dwellers!! do not eat the fresh produce in the southwest corner of the garden!! the humans just sprayed insecticide on them, so if you eat them you will die!!!!

🪲 carapace-is-popping

wtf this is blatant misinfo..... my buddy @burrowing-for-goodies just ate some tomatoes from the southwest corner and hes fine. youre just hoarding bro its so obvious

12k insectoid notes

🪲 carapace-is-popping

hey ummm has anybody seen @burrowing-for-goodies recently? hes not responding to dms. im going to go look for him

🍃 random-bugg

op is your friend ok? what happened?

🪲 carapace-is-popping

hopital

4,506 insectoid notes

🔴 girluterus

what was that

10,041 notes

🔮 the-wizard-hatter

she fireball on my small enclosed space til i TPK

9,156 notes

💀 longdeadking

do you guys think post simulators have gone too far

1 note

#long post #like. REALLY long #dashboard simulator #the kings decrees

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crazy-walls · 3 months

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i just saw in your tags that you have a fave medieval blorbo? not to be nosy but like if you ever feel like talking about him i'd definitely love to read it! (yes i could look him up myself, but where's the fun in that?)

i haven't talked about my boy ortnit in far too long so i absolutely love that you asked and am more than happy to use this opportunity, thank you!!

setting the scene: it's the mystical time that all medieval middle and northern european heroes live in (sometimes at the same time, sometimes a generation or maybe five apart, but like, quite a while ago even for the 1200s onward). here in lampart - italy for us modern peasants - near lake garda there's the coolest, toughest, strongest, richest ...hero... to be. his name is ortnit. [or otnit, medieval authors don't really care about spelling.]

you see, he's the young king of lampart but he's not fully there yet to having the perfect kingdom, because obviously he needs to have a queen to rule said kingdom with. after much consideration, his uncle is like "well, there's this utterly beautiful, virtous (for a savage heathen) princess* somewhere in the middle east but you must not - and i repeat - not go after her because her heathen father machorel will kill you if you take away his daughter. as in, literally chop off your head. because he wants to marry her himself when his wife is dead." [i'd say this is a setup on the uncle's part but medieval characters Just Are Like That.]

obviously, because he's the coolest and strongest king and a complete dumbass, ortnit has to go and get said daughter to marry him. his mother, of course, is anything but thrilled. and you see, ortnit is quite the mama's boy, but no matter how much she pleads with him not to go he is dead set on it, and if he's already on the way anyway he might as well turn that into some kind of crusade. so his mother gives him A Ring and sends him off on a little adventure (=aventiure) first, saying that The Ring will guide him - and it does. The Ring takes him to the dwarf alberich who promises to give him the best armor, the very best sword and also be his Helper. this is kind of a Whole Job in medieval epic poems. oh, also, the dwarf is actually ortnit's biological dad who raped his mother - but that's cool; and gracious as he is, ortnit forgives his mother for her "infidelity" to who he always thought was his actual father. #menwritingwomen or something.

ortnit gets his cool armor and even cooler sword and sails off with his knights towards what is later labeled syria. on the journey his knights think he's insane because dwarf-daddy alberich is invisible to anyone but the wearer of The Ring and ortnit is talking to thin air him. anyway, they reach syria and dwarf-daddy plays invisible matchmaker by insulting and threatening machorel. [this could actually be a setup. jury's still out on that ~800 years later.]

long(ish) aventiure short: there's a siege on the castle, then a big battle, meanwhile invisible dwarf-daddy convinces the princess to come with him and marry ortnit to save her father. blackmailing with a beloved family member's death, such a strong basis for a healthy marriage. she also gets christianed on the run because duh. can't marry some random fucking heathen.

right after that dwarf-daddy has to save the day again and fight machorel because ortnit basically faints on his horse. they make it back to the ship unharmed and sail back to italy. machorel is Not Happy. and he has A Plan: as a ""conciliation gift"" he sends a hunter with two huge eggs to lampart; they'll into a magical "toad" and "elephant".

as we all know, elephants do not hatch from eggs. unfortunately for ortnit, our italian king does not know that. he WILL find out, though. eventually. when the eggs have hatched and two huge dragons are terrorising lampart and eating everything and everyone in their way. and since he's the coolest, toughest, strongest, richest king and responsible for this disaster he is the one who has to slay those dragons. so he dons his armor and heads straight for - you guessed it - dwarf-daddy. alberich, however, is Not Happy either, refuses to help ortnit once more [again, this might be a setup]. he advises him to Not, Under Any And All Circumstances, Fall Asleep. ortnit pouts, throws The Ring at alberich's feet and rides off to find the dragon(s).

the dragon** is rather good at hide-and-seek, though, so ortnit rides and rides and rides. and gets tired. and decides to just have a small rest. and promptly falls asleep.

apparently, dragons also have a sixth sense for sleeping kings. the dragon creeps close, sees that delicious meal-in-a-can and - without even waking ortnit up - carries him to his offspring who SLURP HIM RIGHT OUT OF HIS ARMOR. [-> "sougen in durch daz werc" - "saugen ihn aus der rüstung" - the armor actually stays fully intact which is important since ortnit's tale is later followed by wolfdietrich who slays the dragons, gets the armor and marries ortnit's widow]

the end.

no, really. that's how ortnit dies. slurped out of his armor by dragons the SECOND his mother and biological father can't/refuse to help him. so there he is, this young, strong, pretty, heroic dumbass fratboy of a king who can't get shit done on his own. he has like half a braincell. he is literally Doomed By The Narrative. and i'm utterly obsessed with his ineptitude and death.

*please note that the syrian princess doesn't even have a name in the first versions of this epic poem so i'm not using one, sorry girl. she's later called sidrat tho.

**suddenly it's only one dragon who has two baby dragons, there are a few theories about how the offspring being conceived by those first two dragons is a parallel to the incestuous obsession machorel has with his daughter

#medieval #13th century #again thank you!! put in a read more because this got WAY out of hand i just haven't had a good chance to talk about him for like 4 years #you can see several typical medieval motifs that absolutely inspired tolkien who did quite a lot of research on medieval sagas #i have some more medieval blorbos but ortnit is my number 1 #and like. ortnit was still a pretty well-circulated &-known tale in the 1800 and the first half of the 20. century. only that ALL retelling #of his story paint him as this heroic young capable king who just gets unlucky by *mumbling* ~*somehow* getting eating by a dragon whoopsie #they also leave out all the super sexist & weird stuff and frame him as a Good ChristianTM #ortnit my beloved #he's such an idiot and i'm obsessed. like. he's a terrible character. but he's also SO FUN.#anyway this was medieval literature with k #or should i call it aventiure with k perhaps #medieval lit #personal #i guess #did i just spend the past 45ish minutes on this? perhaps.#ortnit

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