#been making these since it started haha
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MIDNIGHTS MAYHEM WITH ME
September 21 - October 7, 2022
#tswiftedit#taylorswiftedit#tswiftgif#taylor swift#midnights#midnights mayhem with me#*mine#*2022#*gifs#mine: midnights#4k#truly mayhem with the last few asldkfjah#this was so funnnnn#also loveeee all the outfits#been making these since it started haha
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this is sort of pathetic, but when you were younger, you were sort of puzzled by the cartoon representations of fathers: how a kid would be outside with a mitt, waiting to play catch.
it's not that your father never played catch with you, but you also didn't like when he did. something about a hard ball coming quickly towards your face doesn't seem exciting. not that you'd ever say you don't trust him. you trust him, right?
it's not like he never tried to teach you anything. or never tried to parent. on rare days, a strange person would walk in your father's skin. bright, happy, magnificent. this version of your father was so cheerful and charismatic that you would do anything to keep him. and this is the version of your father that would laugh and gently coax you try again. this is the version of your father that would break down the small elements of a problem and point them out so you have an easier time with them.
as a kid, those days happened more often. but somewhere around 11, you started being too much of a person, and he was often cross about it. when he'd try to sit you down to learn something, you spent the whole time with your shoulders around your ears, nervous, uncertain. terrified because you didn't immediately understand how to navigate something. worried you will run out of his goodwill and then you will have the Other Father back, and you will have ruined a good day for your entire family. something about you being visibly afraid - it just made him angry. he would accuse you of not wanting to learn and storm away.
on tv, it's not like there's a lot of versions of men-who-are-mostly-fathers. they can be good dads, but usually their stories are not told in the household. so it's normal that your father is there, but he's never around. you know he was in the house, somewhere, it's just not that you guys ever... "hung out". he just seemed to get kind of bored of you, annoyed you weren't made in his perfect image. frustrated with how much energy it took to raise a kid. over time, you kind of adopt a bittersweet band around your throat - he knows nothing about me. he says at least i never abandoned my family.
and it's technically - technically - true. he was there for you. sometimes he even made an effort and made it to the big moments; the graduations and the dance recitals. he grins and tells everyone that he taught you. it almost erases the days in between, where he complains because you need a ride to school. the weeks that go by where he doesn't actually ever speak to you. the times you say i am struggling and he says figure it out on your own. i can't help you.
and that's fine! that's all fine. you can call him if you are having a problem with your car. or if you need a ride to the hospital. he loves playing hero, he just doesn't like the actual work that comes with being a father. and you've kind of made your peace with that; because you had to, because you don't want to live your life like he does; the whole world at a managed distance, a little rotating and controlled orb he can witness and take credit for but never truly love.
as an adult, you are rewatching some dumb cartoon - and again, the child standing in the rain, with a mitt, waiting for their father to come play catch. as an adult, there's this strange creeping dread - this little thing? this little thing, and their dad can't even show up for that? oh god, holyshit, it's not about the mitt, is it. oh god, holyshit, your father spent most of your life leaving you hanging.
#spilled ink#writeblr#:) lol . anybody notice how i write about dads in second person exclusively#me: haha silly cartoon#also me: ): this child is not getting what they need#also btw this is about a father but it might apply to any parent or caregiver#there's a really weird space of like#''this person was technically around me but either ignored me or was actively harmful to me''#and like u learn this very strange ritual of like... this person is my parent/caregiver on a technicality#that you almost spend all ur time with them like... tiptoeing and acting as THEIR parent so u don't upset them.#like you're 17 and ur mom is suddenly hit by a wave of wanting to talk to you so she's like :) lets make breakfast together :) and ur like#uhhhhhh okay?? bc you feel like this is absolutely going to go wrong and is why u usually make breakfast alone#and she starts being like: THIS is called a TEASPOON ... & u know all this stuff but you also know to just be very quiet#bc if you say like ''mom ive been making this breakfast every day since i was 13'' she would FREAK OUT and be like#DONT ACT LIKE I NEVER DO ANYTHING FOR YOU DONT ACT LIKE I DONT CARE ABOUT YOU. FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL .#so u have to smile like ur a preschool teacher and be like. OH COOL! i didn't know A CUP existed! tell me MORE! :)
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well tumblr wont let me find the post i made asking about self-care games, but i wanted to say i've been playing Finch and it's actually super helpful! it doesn't quite have everything i said i wanted in my post, notably it doesn't really have anything in the way of plot and is a bit more cutesy than i'd normally want, but it DOES have an energy system that makes me log in every day and do all my daily tasks so my lil virtual pet doesnt look sad.
and i really like that it has other options like breathing exercises and emotional reflections that refill your pets energy, so even if you're having a really low day and can't do your to-do list you can still keep your streak. it has tricked me into feeling like doing basic self-care is a sneaky way to cheat at the game, so i'm gonna count that as a success.
#me: haha i didnt even do anything i just sat and breathed and practiced mindfullness for a few minutes! ...wait#its been the only thing ive ever encountered that actually makes me brush my teeth#and ive been managing my other daily tasks almost 100% since starting two weeks ago#9/10 i just worry when my pet fully grows up i wont care much any more
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i want to go on a big and elaborate date with papyrus SPECIFICALLY bc of the way u draw him bc he’s so bbg cutie patootie
PapyrACE 💚💜 Happy Valentine's Day!
#DDoodles#UT#Papyrus#AroAce Papyrus Supremacy#Lol#I'm actually really delighted to see how much aroace positivity there is around the skelebros :D#I was a little on the worried side since y'know - Sans especially. I've been in the fandom for a while lol I'm Aware#But genuinely there's so much lovely energy towards the bros being aroace which I - unsurprisingly - am very inclined towards lol#Me constantly: And you're ace! And you're ace! And you're ace! Ace for everybody!#I'm tongue-in-cheek about my Projecting Constantly lol but I do try to base my headcanons on The Actual Text haha#I think Papyrus is kind of a no-brainer lol he literally turns you down if you go on a date with him that's pretty textual#And you have the option to completely avoid going on a date with him and he still clarifies platonic affection!#I like him very much haha <3#As for Sans I know some of it stems from my Handplates filter lol - their codependency points to an interesting interplay with romance#I'll start thinking about the Vargas Dating Sim again if I keep on that train of thought tho lol#But to me it feels more than just ''He's too busy'' or w/e - Feels Different#It's all speculation anyway haha - I'm glad you like how I draw Papyrus! :D He's the sweetest boy and I love him!!#Wanted to try something a bit Extra hehe ♪ I keep wanting to make animatics and the like!#Storyboards - animations if I can swing them lol - but I'm very impatient :P And perfectionistic >.>#So have something a bit more sloppy and silly :) It's good practice for me!#All told it wasn't too bad! :D I had fun making it and I'm fairly pleased ♪#Hope you enjoy hehe <3 Happy Valen's! :D
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idk comfort characters moment ig
#i should REALLY stop doodling around and start doing more serious art#anyways this is not shipp art btw i dont shipp them for me they are like brothers best friends even#demoman#miss pauling#tf2#team fortress 2#kino art#idk i just feel like drawing sad demo i think he got too much going on in that little head full of beer and depression...#and well he just needs a hug and venting for real and not making it much of a joke#IDK I WAS JUST LISTENING TO MITSKI AND LAMP AND BOOM sad doodle i guess#i think for demo is a bit hard to find a good time to vent and well his team kinda sucks for that#same goes w miss p this two are full of shit in their heads so why not listening w each other and crying idk#its been a time since i have draw demo...#those fucking hands... i hate often times drawing hands#idk why i made tf2 sad art i think is funny but who cares cringe is free look at me doing lovey dovey and sad art haha laugh at this guy
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2005 Australian Grand Prix[Redux] - Giancarlo Fisichella, Rubens Barichello & Fernando Alonso(my personal post-race highlights)
#redoing this made me realize how much I slept on Fisi the first time I posted this race! hes so handsome!!#but then I also realized he is a victim of the first race winner curse :((#I JUST REALLY LOVE THE RENAULT BOYS AAGHHHHH ;;;#also hehe if youve seen my og post you will recognize the rubens alonso headpat aka the moment that made me want to start posting#(its been so long since i watched this race that while making this i had to keep reminding myself that this content isnt new haha)#(its rly funny to me that i made one gif for the og post yet didnt gif anything else???)#(like okay what is this partial effort catie)#(its especially painful bcs this race has actually prob the best camerawork for this season so AGHHHH)#(thats why im doing a redux btw lol bcs this race truly deserves better treatment)#(also its crazy how much time making a post can take up i started a race and i got halfway through???)#(also maybe expect two monza posts: 2005 of course and also i want to gif seb 2008 str win since ive already watched that but didnt gif it)#oopsies sry for all the tags!! i love rambling!!!#giancarlo fisichella#fernando alonso#rubens barrichello#we do a little bit of f1#f1#formula 1#(2005: 1/19 races watched)#fa14#renault#2005 australian gp#race posting:2005
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Ok I know it's like a trend for people to start decorating for xmas earlier and earlier and Tiffany and Lawson probably just did this for engagement but the beginning of October???? I have HAD it
Why don't the people who do this just bite the bullet, leave their shit up all year, and eliminate all other holidays and seasonal joys from their lives already like you just skipped over the other 2 most fun holidays of the year and for what?? Just leave it up all year for crying out loud JUST DECORATE YOUR HOUSE THAT WAY and be done with it!!
#i know the early xmas people are second only to disney adults & kpop stans in their ferocity so pls know this is in jest#a haha funny joke#someone on my street started decorating in SEPTEMBER and my blood has been boiling ever since#like obv do whatever makes you happy yadda yadda but doesn't having xmas for half the year just make it less special?? isn't the point that#it's a special time of year??#anyway ok I'll calm down#tiffany bates#Lawson bates#fundie instagram
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the way luffy regularly goes "we are the bad guys, actually" in the manga is something so dear so special to me
#it's cute how in the live action they make from the start the distinction between good and bad in both factions#since it's true and you as a reader know it's true#but i love the#''no old man don't he's a mar-! ah wait we're the bad guys haha''#and the#''what if we're attacked by bad guys'' ''usopp WE'RE the bad guys''#and especially the#''I'm not a hero!''#because it does two Fantastic things imo#one; it makes it clear luffy never once shied from the knowledge that pirates can be violent and unjust and horrible#he KNOWS being a pirate makes him a bad guy in people's eyes and he doesn't mind because he knows that as a rule of thumb#pirates hurt people and marines help people#he knows this and he doesn't mind it#he doesn't Want to be a good guy#he could have been! garp tried!!! that's not what he wants#he says it's because of freedom#which is true!!! but this brings us to the second reason why i love this fact about him#luffy doesn't have any problems with using a whole person as a human shield if he feels like it#if he wants to murder someone he will#he operates by his own rules and his own rules are my friends are right even when they're wrong and I'll kill you for them#it's just pure luck that most of the times his friends are genuinely good people and deserve to be saved#because luffy doesn't base his decisions on morals#he bases them on who fed him first#in skypiea he's on the side of konnis people even after he finds out they're in the wrong#he knows this! he explicitly says 'wait so YOU'RE the bad guys!’#he's sounds kinda angry at them for it too in the moment#but he's still on their side because they're still his friends#luffy's freedom isn't something he wants because he feels the rules are unfair#it's something he wants because he wants to choose the rules independently from just how fair they are#and I just really love that about him more than anything else
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psychic damage.
#durarara#izaya orihara#a cheap imitation#i made a thing#for chapter 45#i can finally start unloading the shit i've made for this fic#it's been so long#sound effect is from resident evil 4 remake i think#apparently i screen recorded it from a video ?#i made this months ago and since then have considered making an improved version since this one is so static#besides the ptsd popup#buuuuut i will probably never get around to it#gonna keep the tags short(er than usual) because idk what to say rn#maybe i'll update them when i think of something#oh my god it's coming to me now#i think the most time consuming part of this was editing a pokemon background to be blue#like the ocean#haha#anyways identify anything here and win my appreciation :)#i remade or edited a lot of these assets pixel by pixel because that is the way i am ;o:#which is why i don't think i'd make it through more advanced edits#but i'd like to
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If all this village smack talk keeps up, either something really sad or really fucked up is gonna happen on Aaron's birthday. I'm thinking either getting beat up or him trying to k-word himself again.
#aaron dingle#emmerdale#it makes me think back to when aaron frist came to the village and zack told him he was just “an accident that happened”#and had been “making everyone miserable since”#that was enough to shape him up back then lol but not now#i remember homeboy started crying and everything lol#now hes like kys haha ✌🏼✌🏼 i hate you all ✌🏼✌🏼 but not as much as i hate my mother haha✌🏼✌🏼 or myself 🤠
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im gonna go off on one in the tags pls enjoy
#ive been going by jay online since i was 13 irl since i was 15/16 and my mum cant get used to it#me my friend and both our mums hung out last week and i heard my mum telling his mum 'i just cant get used to [their] name. they want to be#called /jay/ but i just cant do it' literally everyone else including my brother and my dad uses my chosen name#apart from when theyre around my mother! because her force of disgust is definitely more important than my agency and want to be called by#my own name... i have been thinking about wanting to be called another name like. interchangably with my name#and i think id go with yasha. its the diminutive of jay so like. if we friends i want to be yasha x#but also realising how much i want to have autonomy over my name came from picking a name in 2021 for practise in chinese#and my friend helping me decide between something that sounds similar (林植 cos the first character kinda sounds like my eng surname) and a#more literal translation where i was like the translation of jay is 松鸦 i could use that haha and she went but the 鸦 character is awful#you could be 松雅! its then a pun and makes me sound fancy. and i was so happy just making choices and getting to like#pick my own name that peoplw could use. really a revelation. anyway i was kinda on hold for a bit living at home but now im freer hearing#her go on that 'jays choice of name is so hard on me' rant really made me..... start thinking and reminiscing about my name. and me. u know#jay wasnt even my choice its just my initials that i started going by as like. plausible deniability that i wanted to change my name#i remember thinking more about it when i was younger and deciding against other names Specifically because it would be easier to go#'its just my initials!' yeah. im 25 is it too late to change names#sorry for long rambly disjointed rant. hope this was enlightening if u made it this far
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Hello welcome home community!
Today, I offer you clay puppet Howdy. Tomorrow? Who knows...
[Reblogs are greatly appreciated!]
#welcome home#welcome home arg#welcome home howdy#howdy pillar#my art#lets be real#posting him while he isnt finished is just my poor excuse to post something after months of radio silence#he's completely poseable tho (except for the head) so I'm pretty satisfied#hehe caterpillar puppet go brrrrrr#welcome home has infested my brain help me Ive already started to make a wally darling puppet#my brain is going down the drain#also ignore the mess in my room pretty please#Gotta say that he's not finished in the slightest since I don't know how to sew#Been a while since my last arts-and-crafts and sewing class in middle school but luckily my mother offered to help me make his clothes haha#Imma update this when he's finished 👀 (hopefully no pinky promise)#wh howdy
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Sorry, I can’t, I’m just too cute today 💕 (Patreon)
#Doodles#DDoodles#I have had a very good day today :D Lots of laughing and reading and playing and to top it off I look and feel extra cute :D#My favourite hoodie and a tank top underneath - realized recently it's a killer combo hehe#And a rainbow heart bandana my brother got my for Christmas <3#I have been wearing it and the other one he got me camp-counselor neck-scarf style for what I think are obvious reasons (Handplates)#And technically ''normal'' pants but they're a very shiny material lol#They're not leather or squeaky or anything they're this nice sleek and heavy material#Very nice to the touch :) Just very shiny!#I've always love the look of bare shoulders and everything else covered and yup! Looks cute on me too! Haha ♪#So since I was feeling so cute I decided to make it my warmup :) Which ironically lasted longer than my intended art of the day lol#Didn't feel like it tho! :0 I felt slow the whole way through both lol practice leaves me so quickly haha#Still tho :D Rather pleased with both!#A good expression of my good day hehe ♪#First digital of 2024 off to a good start ♫#[First uploaded Jan 5th] Lol
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You know me. I like barely ever show any NOT SAFE FOR WORK drawings on here. So instead, I'm sharing drawings of my face AS I was drawing each NOT SAFE FOR WORK thing.
And the subject is right there, smack dab in the middle. Being tormented by the sins of the egg. (I drew him really cute but I can't share the rest.)
ALSO, I'd like to state that it's not corngraphic except like two maybe, it's more so like violent. We are all just having fun beating this guy up. Like, step right up and stomp on his face type shih. I never ever ever draw violent stuff, unless it's lewling related, so this is like cathartic.
This uhh feeling will fade after Halloween hopefully and we'll go back to our regularly scheduled wholesomeness and cammypus.
#i looked in a mirror 20 feet away as reference because im like NYAHAHA WHAT EVILS HAVE I COMMITED#and i see my own smug face in the mirror like 'yes this will get me hunted down'#sketches#i do comedy slapstick violence but ya know doing more darker jokes and adult humor feels nice like im not censoring myself#i mean i still am by not showing you guys a lot of the bloody or even H O RN Y stuff but ya cant expose everything#like for those of yall who have followed me for years id say were all legal here for more than my usual 13+ content#i just want ro be appealing to a broader audience IN CASE i ever did make it somewhere but haha its been what#8 years since i started this blog. any credit i had died off with teeny taku fhjdjsksajsk#ive got no image to uphold. i have nothing im trying to promote anymore. i do but ive lost the plot ya know#im just having fun and im glad you guys are just ...letting me? like i looked at my old stuff#with the cookies the pokemans the fehs the ocs. and yall just let me go freaking wild and thought#yeah ill give that a like. bless yalls hearts. bless ya souls. ive got thousands of posts on here and yall just let me run wild#and thank you for that. ya never pit pressure on me. kts me outting pressure on myself.#i do wish there were folks that did look forward to some actual tangible content instead of me shitposting with no cohesiveness#but thats just hard with adhd. and try as i might with medications and alarms and deadlines and what have you. its just. difficult#like even the tags here are derailing. but i hope that alongside me just having fun doing my thing. i hope i can get on course#where there is a clear line to follow in my life but i dont lose sight of it as i trail off#but for now. im just drawing experimenting and straight up goofing around. have fun you guys#i may not show you everything but just know im having fun too.
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you have such a beautiful grasp of coloring, and your rendering goes along with that - how would you say you learned how they work together? you do it very well, it doesnt need to be any full tutorial, but rather small information you learned over the years?
waaaa ty!!!
I would definitely say that I’ve come to understand it more over the years. I started out rendering in my digital using layer modes to first get the colours in place, then painting over the top of that to make it more complete? I guess from that I started getting more of an understanding of how lighting works?
#asks#like in my last ask: I am really bad at explaining how I render haha#I’ve been doing digital art since I was like 13 (so 6 years) so I’ve definitely had a lot of time to get my head around how things work#I hate to say this but practicing does make perfect. It doesn’t have to be art exercises!! It’s more like. Try to use IRL references#when you are doing shading? That in particular was something I didn’t really start doing until recently and I’ve found that it really helps#again. Hope my rambling makes sense!!
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HOLD ON WAIT UP HOLD THE PHONE
I KNOW I WAS GONE FOR A FEW MONTHS THERE BUT HAS BLUE LIKE DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME ALWAYS BEEN A PART OF A SERIES OR IS THAT A NEW DEVELOPMENT???
I FEEL LIKE ITS CHRISTMAS ALL OVER AGAIN FUCK Y E A H
Okay so
I...
have been cooking
by which I mean illusions of grandeur and
schemes
And I have not been forthcoming lol Everyone kind of disappeared all at the same time so I kind of stopped talking about what I'm doing but I have been biding my time, quietly putting mechanisms into motion and plotting and occasionally cackling over my cauldron.
I finished the first draft of Blue like don't forget about me and didn't like it so I cut out all the sci-fi fantasy stuff (bye bye aliens farewell superpowers) and in November wrote a new first draft that's all contemporary romance babeee and I'm so in love with it I'm turning it into a little 3-part (possibly 4 if I can't control myself) series.
The original childhood years have been split off into a prequel novella called Red like my bleeding heart in your hand. Then Blue like don't forget about me will take place 20 years later. Nash works at Cherished Hope Nursing Home
“And what is it you do? At the nursing home, I mean.”
I wipe shit off of old people.
And Teddy’s a hockey player. What’s Luke, an underwear model?
He shouldn’t have come.
Teddy comes back to town for a funeral and
Teddy looks at him for the first time in twenty years and every ounce of warmth leaves his expression.
Message received. He should not have come.
OKAY SO AND THEN the next book will be Jo's POV and is called Violet like these delights. and MAYBE there will be a 4th from Luke's POV bc he gets to live this time by the grace of god (me) but it'll depend on how Violet goes (its current state is mostly vibes and a single overarching theme so, stand by).
Red needs a clean-up round of edits to snip out the few little threads that connected it to OG blue. And rewritten blue is basically done. I've done the major revisions and am about to start line edits and after those are done I'm sending it out to beta readers (lmk if you're interested).
There are concise actual summaries in my pinned post btw lol
WHICH REMINDS ME
The series title is Wildflowers of Deliverance. Which I'm extremely proud of. Did you notice did you notice how each title incorporates a wildflower did you did you? and the town they grew up in where Nash and Teddy first met is called Deliverance!!! It's okay I know I'm a genius.
And this brings us to the meal okay? because like I said I've been Cooking™ quietly but steadily for a few months now. ANd what have I been cooking? PLOTS and PLANS
I've decided on a pen name: Sarah B. Elisa
I've created a(nother) side blog for it that will be exclusively centered on my og writing and geared more toward readers rather than writers like this blog is: @sarahbe-writing
I'm going to create a website (as soon as I convince myself to spend money)
and a newsletter (as soon as I convince myself to spend money and do work)
I'm still waffling between trad publishing and DIY. I really like all my hats and it would be a shame to have to share them but oh my god I don't want to do all the marketing but trad pub seems hit or miss on how well they market you so I might get half of my hats taken away and still have to do the marketing bullshit UGH
anyway
OH YEAH and the OG draft I wrote for Blue? I'm going to spin it back to its OG OG roots [parkner, naturally--Return of The childhood friends to estranged almost lovers to super-powered rivals to reluctant allies to friends to lovers finally wip!!! AKA: We Were Gods (we were kids)] and that will fix all the things that went wrong and I didn't like 😌 so it's basically like double Christmas I think
#i have been#a tad reluctant to use the tag list#since because I scrapped the whole plot and genre and started over#feels like a teensie bit of a betrayal?#so idk i think i need to make a post (way fucking shorter than this one) and tag everyone and see who still wants to be tagged in stuff?#or maybe im close enough to the finish line i shouldn't do tag list stuff anymore? I'm kind of wary of oversharing bc#i totally did before#and the word count is smaller now#and there aren't like Plot Twists#it's a romance we all know how this is gonna end#so idk that's mostly why i've been quiet like haha what should i say and to who?#But anyway this weekend I'm going to get my shit together and put up some posts and get the ball rolling again#share some excerpts#get people excited#put out a call for beta and sensitivity readers#you know. work lol#also i missed you and i'm glad you're back <3333#my notes were sooooo quiet lol#and i don't just mean on my writing stuff i love seeing all of your tags in my activity like Yay that's my friend!! And they're yellin!!!#we love to see it <3#anyway#:)
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