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astrolovecosmos · 4 years

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Neptune in the Houses and The Dissolved Ego

“Neptune embodies the urge to transcend the boundaries that keep the soul separate from the whole. Neptune seeks dissolution of the ego, the small self, but this can dissolve into not knowing who or what the self really is.” - Judy Hall.

Neptune in the 1st: There is a sometimes unrealistic environment around the development of self. Many warn of being impressionable, that there are no boundaries for the self. In best case scenario one could argue the ego sees past itself with this placement. This person has a more immediate understanding of the human condition and especially feelings of others. From this can be a healer, poet, helper, maybe empath BUT from this can also be a struggle to find self. In a more negative scene this can be someone with less boundaries, they find it easy to become intimate and vulnerable. Intimacy can be a weapon they wield or blocks for relationships to build or both.

Neptune in the 2nd: Let me guess have you heard that this placement is bad with money? They always are left wanting, even if well off? They are impractical? While I won’t say these associations are completely untrue I understand if you are tired of them. With Neptune in the 2nd things like art/creativity build up their worth. If we look at more specific associations - photography, music, dancing, and poetry. Religion or spirituality could help them feel more bounded to the real world. In the 1st intuition is seen in the self but I would make a claim this placement has a lot of seen or outward intuition too. Here this exist in a tangible way. Their intuition interacting with reality. We know substances are associated with Neptune, there comes a warning that substances can boost their self-esteem but in a house connected to the senses there can be more of a spiritual experience with some substances, of course I know this is a controversial take. Finding great value and meaning for the self in something as innocent as food and drink could be part of this interpretation with substances + senses + value. In terms of “ego”, this allows one to find value in elements other than the material. Ego does not have to rely on objects of wealth. There is depth in a house that tends to get a very surface level reputation.

Neptune in the 3rd: Known to be elusive in communication and connection. A natural knack for creativity which really comes from an idea that they do best with creative ways to learn. The ego here doesn’t get hung up in words and intellectual dogma. There is a way to share feelings and thoughts that reaches others. Expression and learning are important to them especially in an artistic sense such as poetry and song writing. Easily distracted and can lack discipline but they are highly adaptable and this may be seen most in their childhood as well as times when they are open to learning. They help others understand them, the nature of emotions, and fellow humans through communication.

Neptune in the 4th: Things like pride or selfishness are likely to not get in the way of what matters most - family or the feeling of finding belonging. Attachment to the changeable and an unstable home life is associated with this placement. But intuition and feeling is nurtured from their past somehow. This is a highly sensitive individual who was not programmed into being misled by the ego. The flip side of this is that their sense of self might not have been solidified growing up. Selfish wants and needs were not always catered to and this can have both positive and negative outcomes. On the positive this is someone who can be giving and easily sympathizes with others, may even have a sense of humility. But a lack of boundaries and self-focused needs being met can still have consequences that allow them to be easily used and hurt. Learning that change is the only constant at an early age can be an area of strength for them.

Neptune in the 5th: Could get carried away in romances and easily lose sense of self within them BUT while I don't want to downplay those risks, if there was a house with plenty of positives for Neptune it is this one. A creative, intuitive, and emotionally in-tune planet sitting in the house of pleasure, play, and creativity. Neptune can be about romance and in the 5th... here the ego dissolves into foam of fantasy feelings and expectations. Disappointment and crashes down to earth can await but at least here the soul, the individual gets to feel something truly special in their romances. "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." There is a greater understanding about themselves and about others when they dive into the arts/creative expression. Pleasure, the joys of life are felt on another level, maybe even a spiritual one.

Neptune in the 6th: Creativity, imagination, and intuition in the mundane is a gift for this placement. Prone to hypersensitivity and over stress is one burden of this placement but that hypersensitivity still has the ability to grow emotional and inner strength. Here the ego is dismantled by a desire to truly serve and help others. Teamwork and honestly a humanitarian aspect exist in this house. Neptune is here with a connection to human emotion and spirit. They give back on multiple levels.

Neptune in the 7th: Alright, loss of self in a relationship, easily being influenced and used, lack of boundaries - this does exist. Don't boil down Neptune in the 7th to just this. First their ability to read others is uncanny. They know what others need and want. Part of them is driven to please or care for others and this has an ability to be a good thing. The ability to adapt to others can be a skill. They share themselves with many and while this has its downside, while they should learn to protect themselves, this can still be great. One book describes the 7th as a place where we share our humanity. Giving many access to one's humanity, is a positive. Online I know many love to throw around the word "mirror". That element has a place here. They can at times act as a mirror for another, helping them see things in themselves and to learn. Of course "being a mirror" is not anyone's responsibility, something to keep in mind. Relating to another can be a spiritual experience and in many ways, shouldn't it be like this? In the 7th, the ego is dissolved into others.

Neptune in the 8th: Yes their intuition is powerful, it is strong. Can we get an applaud for this? Many books and articles I see warn of a lot of danger and negatives with this placement. A warning of being taken advantage of financially is talked about frequently. If I had to distill it down, the warning would be this: don't let anything good slip away from you. Appreciate what you have in the moment and watch out for the wolf in sheep's clothing. Here walls are peeled away in terms of intimacy, giving, sharing, fears, and the unknown. Not an open book but they have no fear of vulnerability. It is their hunches that will protect them because without it there is just an urge to merge and to share. From this comes the danger of being deceived. The ego doesn't fear appearing weak, showing flaws, getting close. Maybe it isn't always that the ego is dissolved but shared. The self and its expectations, wants, needs are shared to whoever flashes vulnerability back at them. I would look at this as a place of bravery.

Neptune in the 9th: Something to be said about their idealism! Spiritual learning and subjects can take a seat here. "[there is the call] towards ritual and mysticism - or the illusions that pass for it." - Judy Hall. I think the 9th house is an area to be careful of in general - but that is a talk for another day. Be cautious of falling for spiritual illusions and being misled in the area of knowledge, education, morals, and religion. Be careful of blind faith. But Neptune here is in touch with the spiritual realm or the human spirit. Their own inner faith is not that of over confidence but a faith in the universe. Their beliefs overcome any of the ego's needs or insecurities.

Neptune in the 10th: Attracted to creative/artistic careers or careers that can heal/help/serve others - yes. okay. let's move on. Here we see the ego, the self being shared on a mass level. It is "dissolved" into the public sphere. No boundaries can be useful though, giving so many over access, honestly a possible good position for gaining "fame". But I don't like to label certain placements as the "fame" placement. You will find celebrities and public figures with all kinds of charts. But the idea that the public has easy access to them can be a real threat to be aware of too. They can be far reaching in their community or career. They make an influence on others which has its positives and negatives. They connect with others easily on a platform, through their art, or through their work. On an even larger scale, when thinking about society here is someone who can help make the world a better place.... or could set in motion harmful ideologies and emotions to cling to. An ability to see the wounds in society is a strength that would benefit many of us.

Neptune in the 11th: So sensitive to the collective, to the group, maybe even the mood of the room. There is compassion for their fellow woman/man. Being easily fooled/misled in a group setting can be a big negative. Being used by friends is a reoccurring theme. This is a very cordial, amiable, and accepting placement when it comes to dealing with others. Intuition among the collective and within the social realm is strong and this will help them to overcome issues with deceptive or unhealthy friendships. The ego puts down its sword and shield to connect with others in the most straightforward way. It can forge spiritual bonds with people that is unsullied by heavy expectations. Depth can be found in friendship, in a group, in an organization, among an array of relationships and depth doesn't have to be confined to romance or family.

Neptune in the 12th: If there was a place the ego would metaphorically "die", this would be it. Tapping into intuition, creativity, spirituality are strong but out of all that, I want to put the spotlight on how this gives someone a very deep ability to connect with the human condition and the human spirit. Kindness and forgiveness are learned here. I emphasize learn, not inherit, not natural, learned. Understanding when one is a victim that needs to be saved and when one needs to move past being a victim is important. Strength will always exist in the non-tangible. Strength exist in uncovering what is hidden. Strength comes from understanding and accepting what is within.

#neptune #planet #zodiac #astrology #neptune in the houses #natal chart

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a-libra-writes · 4 years

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SFW Alphabet - Tyrion Lannister

bro ive done nothing but be tired, binge peaky blinders and write whatdayisit

this was a request!! if you havent read the books by now plz consider it bc this man is a treasure

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Tyrion loves giving you all sorts of affection, letting you and others know how much he adores you. When you’re sitting side by side he’ll touch your hand and often kiss it, glad when you lean in for a proper kiss. In the privacy of your chambers, he’s always comforted when you two snuggle up and chat, read a book or just silently enjoy each other’s company. It’s the sort of peace he never thought he’d enjoy.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Once someone earns his trust and better, admiration, Tyrion proves himself to be a loyal and capable friend. He appreciates someone with wit and empathy, and once Tyrion is close enough with someone to trust them with his thoughts, he’ll find himself leaning on that friendship for his sanity many times over. He’ll get more sentimental about it the longer it goes on, seeing as he often feels alone in his thoughts.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Tyrion adores your hugs and closeness, especially when you initiate it. Any sort of cuddling is good - wrapped up in your arms, leaning against you, you resting on him, or both of you sitting up and relaxing against a small mountain of pillows.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

He always secretly thought of a family, one of his own that accepted him, but it seemed so far away. Now that your relationship with him is a reality, he can’t believe how lucky he is and thanks whatever gods were responsible for allowing this happiness. He’d absolutely want a family with you, in time, and would protect you fiercely.

Considering cooking and cleaning has always been done for him, Tyrion isn’t experienced in either. Truthfully, he’s a bit messy, especially at his desk area, which has always been a small disaster zone. Sometimes you tidy up, only to come back the next evening and notice there’s a new stack of books and a slew of papers everywhere.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

He would be avoidant of it, not wanting to accept the fact the relationship was coming to an end. Eventually Tyrion knew he’d have to do it, and he’d speak to you privately, making sure you both had dinner and wine first. He’d break it to you gently and matter of factly, explaining how he came to this conclusion - if he figured you’d be happier this way, or you had just become someone he couldn’t understand anymore, he feel he would have no choice.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Even if he likes to play at being a free-wheeling man, he’s always wanted to have a comfortable, happy domestic life. Tyrion figured that was a pipe dream for years. While he may have fallen for you, unless there was some official arrangement, he’d have reservations asking for marriage.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Tyrion has always been gentle and considerate with you, as you’re incredibly important to him. Even when he feels you may not be approaching something the right way, he’d discuss it with you logically or calmly explain his side of things. Physically he doesn’t treat you like you're fragile, nor would he ever imagine physically harming you.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

He always appreciates your hugs and holds you tight whenever you want one. If you want to be held, he’ll do so, stroking your back and asking what’s on your mind. Honestly, Tyrion appreciates any sort of physical affection.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

He thinks it first before considering saying it, especially since he doesn’t want to scare you away. Tyrion would consider your actions and words carefully, wanting to be sure that you felt it as well. He’d prefer it if you said it first, but after a while he can’t help himself and it just slips out in a fumbling mess. He’d have to sigh, start over and give you a proper heartfelt confession.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Tyrion’s jealousy often manifests in sullenness and over-analyzing whoever is making eyes at you, or worse, thinking they can flirt without him being aware. If he’s truly bothered, he’ll mosey his way over to you and give them an insult hidden in a joke, hoping you’ll laugh at it. He absolutely trusts you, it’s other men that make him nervous. He’s seen and known the rest of them, so.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

He has all sorts of kisses ready for you. Sweet ones for waking up in the morning, more passionate ones for the evening, quick ones during the day so you know he appreciates you always. Since your hand is the easiest to reach, especially when you’re both in public, he often kisses your fingers. When you’re sitting or lounging together, he’ll prefer your neck and lips. Note that if you’re sensitive or ticklish anywhere, he will find it and use it against you with a devilish grin.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Tyrion’s comfort level with children depends on their age. He’s always worried he’ll drop a baby or they’ll somehow be fearful of him, so he tends to avoid the much younger ones - unless it was his own, of course. Children tend to be unruly and speak whatever pops into their head, uncouth or not, so he gets along best with older ones. He’s a doting uncle to his good niece and nephew, after all, and he’s admittedly weak to more shy, out-of-place kids. As a father, he’d be just as kind-hearted, but he’d love to have a witty child to teach and have clever little talks with. Teenagers are too sullen for his taste, but he’s patient with them and seems to know just how to speak with them.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

If he’s hungover or turning in after a late night - it’s usually both of those things - he’ll have found his way mostly under the covers, usually resting on your chest or your shoulder. He’ll grumble when you move away to get ready, but he’d fall asleep again quickly, especially after feeling your calming touch. He’s more of a late morning to early afternoon riser, but if there’s important business, he’ll pull himself up with even more grumbling and complaints.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Tyrion is naturally a night owl, and once the sun is down, he suddenly feels far more awake. He’ll spend his evenings with a cup of wine, his desk full of papers and books and preferably you sitting with him in the room. Even if you two are just enjoying the silence in your own ways, it’s immensely reassuring to have your presence with him. If work is truly taxing him, he’d ask for your opinion on several decisions, wanting to know if he was doing the right thing. Eventually you’d have to set his quill down and stubbornly keep asking him to come to bed. Even when you’re curled up under the covers, he might still keep talking about whatever treaty he was working on - in that case, shutting him up with a kiss deep always works.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

As much as Tyrion presents himself as elusive and full of secrets to strangers and enemies, he’s desperate to connect with someone emotionally. He tried to be his charismatic and standoffish self with you, evading all sorts of questions, but as your friendship - and his feelings - deepened, it was too difficult to keep up the charade. Once Tyrion felt safe with you, once he trusted you, he was a goner. He couldn’t help but tell you things that troubled him, especially memories from the past. It wouldn’t spill out at once, but you’d start to tell when he was in a morose mood and needed to talk.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

You know that for all the patience he has to present in court, Tyrion hates the injustice he often has to watch or play a hand in. His family especially tries on him, and you’re there to support him as best as you can. When it comes to you, Tyrion struggles to actually get upset. It’s not that you do anything to anger him regularly; he just thinks the absolute world of you, and he downplays any negative traits you might have. If he were truly upset about something, he may not even tell you about it. He’d just be exasperated for a day then move on.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Tyrion knows all sorts of your favorite things, like perfume, preferred flowers, what you like to eat and drink, the kind of jewelry you wear depending on the occasion, dress color and materials … all things he’s bought to make you happy both when you were courting and married. He’s excellent at picking out material gifts, even if it’s “simpler” things like books and embroidery thread, even instruments. Nothing is too good for you.

In general Tyrion has a good memory, so he’d also know things you’ve told him in confidence. They were important enough to you to tell him, so naturally he’d remember. He may even remember things you don’t recall talking about. After a while you stopped being so surprised when Tyrion would bring up a detail or person you mentioned months or years ago.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Even to this day, he can’t get the sweet memory of your confession out of his head. Even when it was happening, he was so sure he was dreaming, or it was some terrible misunderstanding. He remembers a lot about that day, because he’s replayed it in his head so much. The way your eyes sparkled and your cheeks blushed, how the sun made your hair glow and the way your dress gently moved in the breeze. When he’s having an especially dark day, recalling such a fond memory does wonders for his soul.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Tyrion takes absolutely no chances with you. He’d want to replace your guards with men loyal to him. Even guards from your House would be vetted and personally spoken to. He’d want no less than four with you, which you felt was a little excessive, but he’d lower it to two at your request … with about five you weren’t aware of, hiding behind shadows and corners. This was especially true in King’s Landing. Tyrion wouldn’t back down on providing you numerous loyal and strong men; he wasn’t about to let his wife waltz around vipers without adequate protection.

He wouldn’t expect the same protection from you, since he had his own men, but he didn’t account for the way you protected him with words. You’d stand up for his honor and defend him against all manner of people, against charges great and small. Tyrion couldn’t believe someone would go such lengths to protect him, and it made him feel even more blessed to have you.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

He takes special note of any important dates and anniversaries, setting aside time for a date and having it nicely planned out. If business couldn’t wait, he’d make sure there was some way to make it up to you, guaranteed. Tyrion wants you to feel appreciated and loved always, and he’d gladly tell all of King’s Landing to fuck off for your sake … if only that didn’t end in terrible consequences.

As stated before, he’s excellent with gifts and that extends to his everyday actions. He never fails to give you hello and goodbye kisses, hold your hand, compliment a new style you try, and so forth. He isn’t flattering or settled into a boring routine, it’s all genuine.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

You were already aware of the rumors surrounding Tyrion’s machinations, but now you were seeing the cogs turn in real time. More often than not, Tyrion didn’t tell you of his plans. He didn’t want you involved, and you noticed he’d assume the worst of situations: The amount of times he worried that something would end in your gory death was too much. You knew that his fears weren’t totally unfounded, but you still wished he would let you in on some of the schemes so you could have a better idea of what was happening, or more importantly, so you could help.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

As much as he plays aloof about his condition, he isn’t blind or an idiot. He dresses in fine clothes and jewelry and keeps himself well-groomed to maintain that perfect, presentable Lannister facade, as much as his father and sister feel like he’s just a joke in silk. You often spot him fussing with doublets or looking irritably at his scar in a mirror, and his soothes him greatly when you help smooth out his hair and clothes. He’d have trouble accepting any genuine compliments you gave him, so sometimes just being caring was enough.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

As if Tysha wasn’t bad enough, Tyrion would truly suffer if something happened to you. He may not even recover completely, going into a deep, angry and seemingly endless depression. He’s very aware this will happen if you die from sickness or the gods forbid, from one of his enemies, so it’s just another reason he’s so protective. Even when you two have to be apart because of travel, he’ll count on your letters and the ones he sends to you to keep him going. Even if it would be dangerous to you, he’d selfishly wish you were by his side.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Tyrion likes it when you two wear something that’s maybe not very fancy, but it has some special meaning to you. Examples would be the first dress he ever bought you, with embroidery of your House in your favorite color, or a pretty and simple jade ring from Yi Ti just because you liked reading about it so much. He’d have a little sculpture on his desk from some joke between you two, or even a little charm you wove for fun, very sentimental things like that. Things he could look at or touch and remember the smiles you had over it.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He’s had enough baseless cruelty and pettiness from his family that he just can’t tolerate it in other people. Those using their status to abuse people below them are also just as despicable, and he has little patience for a partner who would rest on their family’s status and wealth and do little to improve themselves. Lack of wit and cruelty are probably the biggest turn-offs, though.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Even if he falls asleep peacefully, resting against you, somehow he ends up under the covers or halfway across the bed or in a position that looks very uncomfortable to you - and if his groaning and stretching when he wakes up is anything to go by, it probably is. You’re certain Tyrion can’t sleep still to save his life. It also humors you how he struggles to sleep on anything but a very fine bed and silk sheets, but you don’t tease him about that … much.

#tyrion lannister #tyrion lannister x reader #game of thrones x reader #sfw alphabet #game of thrones #i hope peaky blinders stays fantastic im only on s3

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wyrdify · 3 years

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May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It’s been plastered all over every social media website I’ve been on, and I’ve had friends on other sites talking about it. I’ve also seen it on here, and I decided I’m going to continue my trend of being open about my own mental health. In doing so, I have a few goals: to help lessen the stigma surrounding mental illnesses, to let others know it’s okay to talk about what they live with, and to just get my brain to move onto another topic.

So, let’s get down to it.

My brain works great when I present stuff in list or outline format, so that’s what I’m going to do to start with.

These are the mental illnesses I live with every single day:

Dermatillomania

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Major Depression Disorder

OCD

Trichotillomania

A couple of these may seem unfamiliar to folks, and there are definitely preconceived notions about all of them, so I’ll share a little bit about what they look like for me in another section.

My family/personal history that contributes to my mental health:

Alcoholism (namely family members, but I bordered on becoming an alcoholic before I was 21)

Emotional abuse / gaslighting

Involvement in a cult

Loss of family members

Neglect (namely medical)

Other shit I’m not quite comfortable talking about in a public setting

What these mental illnesses look like for me:

Dermatillomania: It means I like picking at my skin, particularly recently acquired cuts or wounds. For me, my brain likes to make myself bleed, and it perceives that feeling, that pain, as good.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: I worry about things and blow them out of proportion. Worst case scenarios are easy for me to imagine, and I overthink just about everything. Big surprises, the unknown, and anything outside of my control can make me panic.

Major Depressive Disorder: I’m tired a lot, and I often have trouble focusing or concentrating for long periods of time. Small things like putting something away takes extra effort, and I’ll often lose interest in things I normally enjoy. Since I was at least thirteen years old, I’ve also experienced thoughts of self-harm and suicide.

OCD: This links back to my anxiety, and it’s connected to the derma/trich stuff. I don’t do well when I don’t know something, or there’s any sort of uncertainty. I need things to be done in a certain way, and often in a certain order, or my brain will figuratively set itself on fire. I also need things organized in a specific way, or I get the same result. That’s the obsessive part. The compulsive part comes from following a somewhat strict routine along with counting in specific patterns, arranging my stuff in specific ways, and stuff like that.

Trichotillomania: Similar to the dermatillomania, but with hair. Often without thinking, I’ll pull my hair out. Sometimes, I do it purposefully because my brain thinks it helps with anxiety. This has also led to me having general issues when it comes to my hair in general.

What that family/personal history looked like for me:

Alcoholism: A lot of people in my family, including both parents, are alcoholics. They consume a lot of alcohol. I was pressured to start drinking alcohol when I was around 13-14 years old. When I was in my late teens, I would drink just to make myself feel better. Due to my intense fear of throwing up, though, I never let myself progress past tipsy. I don’t drink any alcohol now due to my medications and the knowledge that I could easily fall into alcoholism.

Emotional abuse: This is wide-ranging and extensive, honestly, and gaslighting was a huge part of it. What I’m going to do instead is link some things that explain what I lived with for most of my life. With this article from PsychCentral, I can check off every single thing on that list. This link from womenshealth.gov also covers what I dealt with.

Involvement in a cult: Insert nervous laughter. Starting around the end of middle school to the start of high school, my parents started getting involved in a cult that centers itself on therapy and self-help with some spiritual elements. Therapy through them was the only way to get help, or it wasn’t valid. My family is still involved in this cult, and I managed to get myself out of it when I moved back in 2013.

Loss of family members: In 2005, I suddenly lost my godfather, my dad’s brother. I saw him as more of a father than my biological dad, especially considering he curbed or otherwise acted as a buffer for my dad’s abusive behavior. In 2011, I lost my paternal grandmother, someone I was incredibly close to and trusted more than my parents. She also helped curb my parents’ abusive behavior, and her house was a safe place for me to go.

Neglect: I’ve said this before when talking about my epilepsy, but I was not allowed to go to doctors. Any medical issues, which included mental illnesses, I had were my fault, too expensive, inconvenient, or all in my head. It is also my belief that my mother pressured my pediatrician to tell me that my seizures were not neurological when I was sixteen years old. To this day, my parents are still very anti-doctor and borderline anti-vax.

Whoo, that was a lot of stuff, and I’m not even done---because of course not. Now, as the last part (I think), I’m going to list some things I do and personality quirks as a result of all this shit.

Confrontation/angry voices scares the ever-loving shit out of me. I shut down. I dissociate. I freeze, or I otherwise try to escape. Sometimes, this will come across as me trying to find ways to change the subject, not saying anything at all, or just agreeing with things because it’s easier.

I cry when people tell me they love me, and I often have to stop myself from saying things like “Thank you”, “Why?”, or asking for further explanation.

I doubt my memory and emotions a lot. To combat this, I keep logs, paper trails, and notes of just about everything. If I remember something that someone else doesn’t, or I have a different emotional response than someone else, I tend to assume the other person is right.

I feel guilty for everything. Somehow, everything becomes my fault, my responsibility, and I have to fix everything. This leads to apologies being my go-to responses for a lot.

I have trouble advocating for myself or saying that I need something. Needing things = bad in my brain.

I info-dump. My brain tells me people should have all of the information possible, so I do it. This includes telling people when I’m going to bed for the night or when I’m going somewhere.

I only feel safe crying when there’s no one else around.

I overthink every single thing I say and type.

I put everything in alphabetical order if possible.

I use writing to cope with feelings and other issues I’m dealing with.

I will listen to sad or otherwise emotional songs over and over again to help me get feelings out.

I will often perceive my issues as “not as bad as what other people deal with” and not talk about them. I’ll downplay what I deal with and shove it under a rug while trying to help others because, otherwise, I’ll feel selfish, self-centered, and attention-seeking.

If I can’t have my bowl of cereal for breakfast in the morning, it has the power to ruin my entire day, and I feel rather silly about it.

Lots of all or nothing and black and white thinking. Perfectionism also plays into this. If I can’t do something right the first time, or if things aren’t done perfectly, my brain will not let it go.

Physical contact without my explicit and verbal consent makes me cringe and feel incredibly uncomfortable. It can get to the point that even the thought of it happening triggers nausea.

These are explanations for things I do and why I act in certain ways. They are not excuses, and they are things I’m working on to the best of my ability. I’m currently on a wait list to get a new psychologist so I can start going to therapy again since I know I need it. When I had it in the past, it was incredibly helpful and empowering to me. Since about February, my depression started to get worse, especially as I felt like things were falling apart around me. It rises and it falls. Nowadays, it’s just a little worse in the sense that I find shutting down easier, and I struggle to do anything that isn’t a video game.

Mental health is just as important as physical health, and it needs to be acknowledged as such. If sharing what I deal with helps even one person, then I consider it worth it.

That is all. I hope everyone is doing okay. If you’re not, though, that’s okay. It’s okay to not have good days or otherwise not feel physically or mentally okay. One day, that lesson will stick with me on a more permanent basis.

Love,

Kai

#thewriter; post #mental health tw #depression tw #anxiety tw #abuse tw #grief tw #death tw #alcohol tw #derma tw #trich tw #neglect tw #mental illness tw #negative tw #long post tw #[ I got wordy up in here ]

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

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1. How do you approach hypothetical survey questions? Do you try to put yourself into that situation, or do you have a tendency to "ignore" those questions? Sometimes I will, but I tend to skip them or answer it some other way.

2. When was the last time that you acted impulsively? Is this a common behavior for you? I’m not one to act impulsively, so I don’t know.

3. When was the last time when you spent a good deal of time thinking something through? Was it a relief when you finally settled on a decision? Ugh, I should be doing that now in regards to my future and how I should go forward with some things and then actually take the steps to do so, but...

4. The last time that someone was angry with you, what happened to cause them to feel that way? What about the last time that you were angry with someone else? If you estimated, which do you think you experience more often: anger toward others, or others feeling anger toward you? I’m positive my former friends were angry and upset with me when I totally withdrew and became distant from everyone a few years ago without an explanation and haven’t tried reaching out since. I’m sure they want nothing to do with me now and I don’t blame them at all. I’ve been angry at myself more than anything or anyone because I’ve just let myself and other things go in a lot of ways and really neglected myself. I’m not even trying to get out of the hole I’ve been in the past few years. I just let each year pass by and do nothing. I hate myself for that. I hate the person I’ve become.

5. How do you generally feel after you have been very angry? What do you like to do to calm yourself down? I cry and shutdown, basically. Probably turn to my go-to distractions and try to zone out. After some time then I’ll likely calm down.

6. What are some sounds that you find soothing? Have you ever used any sort of tape of nature/ocean/rain sounds to fall asleep, or would that sort of thing be more inclined to keep you awake? ASMR is my go-to. I have several ASMR “triggers” as they’re called. And yes, I find ocean and rain sounds relaxing as well and used those to help me fall asleep sometimes before discovering ASMR a few years ago.

7. What was the last thing you looked for, but could not find? My motivation?

8. How often do you misplace your belongings, or forget where you set something down? Or, are you pretty good at keeping track of everything that you own? I rarely lose or misplace things, honestly.

9. Do you ever say or do things for shock-value? If so, is there something specific you are hoping to achieve by saying those things, or is it just for the sake of it? If you personally do not do such things, do you know anyone who does? No, I’m definitely not one to do that. I’ve known people like that, though.

1o. If you were going out to your favorite restaurant, what would you be most likely to order? Do you have a "usual" when you go out to eat, or do you prefer to sample a different meal from the menu each time? My favorite restaurant is Wingstop and I always get the garlic parm and lemon pepper boneless wings with a side or ranch, extra lemon pepper sauce, and parmesan fries. Any other restaurant my go-to is chicken tenders and fries.

11. When was the last time that something you did backfired? How about the last time you experienced a completely unexpected and fortunate surprise? Oh, like how I thought taking some time off after graduating would benefit me somehow but I ended up spiraling down into this hole I haven’t been able to get myself out of since and dealing with other health issues. I haven’t done anything with my life since graduating and I have no idea what I want to do. As for an unexpected and fortunate surprise... the Disneyland trip we took last year for my brother’s 21st. It was planned somewhat last minute and we ended up having the best time.

12. Is it uncomfortable for you to be pitied? Have you ever felt as though someone pitied you? If so, how did you react to it, if at all? Absolutely. I don’t like talking about myself and my problems and having the focus and attention on me. I don’t want the pity. I keep a lot to myself and hardly talk about what I’m going through or how I’m really feeling and if I do, I downplay it a lot and keep it pretty minimum. I’ll always shift the conversation to the other person or something else.

13. In general, do you tend to look more at the scientific or artistic aspects of life? Would you prefer to deal strictly in facts, or more in areas of subjective creativity? What would looking more at the artistic aspects of life mean?

14. What are some controversial subjects about which you are tired of hearing? Do you ever weary of the drama certain opposing viewpoints can cause, or do you enjoy the tension and opinions that come with debate? >> I'm tired of hearing about most of them, considering how much time I spend on the Internet. But me being tired of it doesn't mean people should stop, necessarily; some of those arguments are necessary and some of the "drama" might have a point. It is better that these issues are being aired out than the alternative, truly. But I don't think I need to be exposed to all of it, is all. It's not useful for me.<<< Yeah, that’s pretty much how I feel. Also, no I do not enjoy the tension or debates. I keep a lot of my opinions to myself and avoid talking about controversial topics. It can be interesting hearing other people’s viewpoints, though.

15. When a survey question rubs you the wrong way, are you ever blunt or borderline rude in your response to it? If so, do you think that others should take your responses personally, or that they should realize you're just reacting to the question itself? I sometimes give sarcastic or annoyed responses, but it’s not directed towards anyone.

16. When is the next time you will be going outside? Will you be going alone, or will you be going with someone else? Next month for my doctor appointment. I don’t drive, so I’ll be going with either my mom or brother.

17. If you received an allowance as a kid, what kinds of things would you buy with it? Were you more the type to save up for something big, or spend it on little things? I saved it or bought toys or snacks.

18. If you are someone who goes to the mall, are there any stores that you have NEVER been into? Is it for personal reasons, or just because you have no interest in the items they sell? Yeah, there’s just stores I don’t have any interest or need to go into.

19. What is one unhappy circumstance in your life right now that is beyond your control? How are you dealing with it? The health stuff I’ve been dealing with.

2o. How about something dissatisfying that you CAN control? Are you doing anything to change this situation, or are you just waiting for it to pass? I could be and should be taking the steps to get help in trying to better manage things and get some things taken care of, but nope instead I haven’t done anything.

21. Do you think that people deserve to be treated with basic respect, or do you feel as though they have to "earn" your respect? Explain the reason for your choice, if any? I do think that people deserve to be treated with basic respect.

22. Are there any types of people you could not manage to treat decently, no matter how hard you tried? I haven’t encountered a time like that where I had to interact with someone so difficult, thankfully. Not to say I haven’t interacted with any irritating or rude people, though. I just kept it short as possible.

23. Have you ever offered advice that wasn't necessarily wanted? How did the receiver of this advice respond? I’m sure I have.

24. How do you tend to feel when someone offers unsolicited advice regarding how you should live your life? >> I generally ignore it because nine times out of ten it's either completely irrelevant or something I've already thought of (and probably found lacking). <<< Same. It can be annoying, though.

25. What day of the week was the hottest? And, how hot is just too hot, for you? It was low 70sF one of the days this week. I personally don’t like when it starts creepin’ up in the 70s even. We get a lot of upper 90s and triple digits here during the summer through like the end of October. It’s miserable.

26. What is your favorite item of clothing that you are currently wearing? How often do you wear this item? My Baby Yoda sweatshirt. I wear it like a few times a week.

27. When you cuddle with someone, how do you prefer to position yourself? Would you rather be held, or do the holding? Or both? I like to be the one being held.

28. During what time of the day are you most likely to hang out with other people? Is there a certain part of the day you prefer to reserve just for yourself, if you have that luxury? Well, I sleep until like late afternoon, sometimes 5PM, so I typically spend time with my family in the evening time and at night. Around midnight or so until the early morning hours is when I have a lot of me time and do my nightly routine of YouTube, ASMR, Tumblr, and surveys.

29. How do you tend to feel after spending hours and hours online, if that is something you do? In general, how long do you think you could spend using the internet before it became boring to you? I spend a lot of time on my phone and laptop throughout the day.

3o. When was the last time you didn't want to do something, but you had to do it anyway? What about the last time you wanted to do something, but could not because something or another was preventing you? Getting up and out of bed is often a struggle. I’d like to go on a little vacation somewhere, but I just don’t feel safe or comfortable doing so.

31. If you were to scale your percentage of open-mindedness, where do you think that percentage would land? To you, what does it mean to be open-minded? I think I’m pretty openminded. I’m willing to hear different opinions and viewpoints and I can see things from different angles.

32. Can you recall the last time you lied to someone? If so, what was it that prompted you to lie? I don’t remember.

33. What was the last thing you did that you knew was not good for you? How about the last thing you did that WAS good for you? There’s a lot of things I continuously do that aren’t good for me. As for the last thing I did that was good for me... well, I’ve been trying to drink more water.

34. Who is the most interesting person you have talked to lately? What is one quality about them that causes them to seem interesting? My aunt. She has a lot of interesting stories and opinions. She’s also really funny.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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restorerjourney · 3 years

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Week 7: FREEDOM WEEK

May 25, 2021

This past week was probably one of my most favorite week other than the first week which was hearing the voice of God.

Sam Chang was our speaker this week who is one of the leaders here overseeing the discipleship training schools here in YWAM Kona. He was gifted in wisdom, hilarious, and a great story-teller. His style of leading lecture was a bit unusual at first because it would predominantly be him opening up the floor to anyone who had any question about anything. I see it now as an opportunity that God used through Sam to allow us to ask questions because we weren’t given that opportunity as much from any of the other lecturers. It also was a great opportunity for our team to gauge how we all were doing spiritually. For example one of our team members during our lecture break shared that she felt like she couldn’t breathe and asked what could be done. Sam asked if anyone else was feeling this way and many of our team members surprisingly were feeling depressed and spiritual down in the morning. He then lead us on a time of spiritual warfare by having us all stand up and repeat after him in declarative prayer. We did multiple sessions of declarative spiritual warfare prayer and as elementary it sounds, it was LIBERATING. There is power when you we declare it out in faith and hearing our own voice casting out lies and reinstating God’s truth of who we are in Him.

For example “Heavenly Father! I repent of believing any lies of the enemies! He is a liar and a destroyer and I no longer will believe his lies! Enemy! Get out! You have no place here! I repent of believing that the shame that has had a grip over me! I repent believing that I am no worthy to be loved and I have to fight for your affection! I am a beloved daughter of God whom you have loved and died for! I am worthy of love! You love me the same and you will never let me go! God I cast out those enemies in Jesus name and I ask that you cover me in the blood of Christ! In Jesus name! Amen!”

It reminds me when we are standing and shouting this war cry, how desperate and alert we need to be to fight the enemy and his tactics! This is something that I am thankful to be able to take home with me and share with anyone else who struggles with freedom. Also I tried my best to record the lectures (except the first week) so if anyone is interested please let me know!

Here are some key points from this past week’s lecture:

-God’s love doesn’t change. The perfect love of God is always showering over us. There are filters in our lives that actually prevents from receiving the love of God. These strongholds are patterns of thinking, the agreements we made, that determine our reality. Some calls them “word curses”, “inner vowels” “accusations”, ultimately it’s when we make agreement with anything that is not true.What you think of yourself and the lies are powerful strongholds. When we get hurt, we build a wall. The inner vows..i will never to vulnerable again. I’m never going to get hurt. The funny thing about walls is you can’t decide who goes in and out. The places you put walls in your heart keeps everyone out including God. You are vulnerable to all or to no one. You face depression, anxiety, and suicide..you are developing a suicidal wall where you are dying on the inside. The importance of us in breaking strongholds, is that not only our relationship with God will be restored but all around us. We as Christians need to process our pain and yet choose to forgive.

- Roots of rejections: Absence father and mother, Lack of bonding with our parents, Divorce, Not being wanted as a child, Being blamed for our parents ,Abuse, Parent’s addiction,Shame of a family member, Constant fighting or strife, Unjust discipline, Mistreating, Addiction,Not happy with your own experience, infidelity of a spouse, loss of value or employment, Betrayal by close friend, Unexpected death of loved one, spiritual hurt or betrayal in the church

- Fruits of rejection ( emotional response)Nervous, Talking over people, fear of being not heard, Inability to rest without activity,I am inpatient of my personal growth and the growth of others, Pursuing comfort, Lust ,Procrastination, I delay taking responsibility and discipline,I live for weekend or for sport, Social awkwardness, I gravitate towards those who are shy, I communicate with others in guarded terms,I replay what I could have said, Inability to accept self, I am hard on myself and my looks, I am discouraged by my personal failures, I am not able to receive God’s love, I downplay or boast my ability, I am unable to truly experience other’s victory, I am jealous and envy desirable qualities of others, I am extremely hard on myself, I become angry of past rejections and blame myself, Critical attitude towards others, I don’t fully trust others, I immediately skeptical of new people, they have to prove myself, Isolation, I’m not a people person, I feel better off alone, I often say “ if only I had __” I would be “___”, I think if I try harder, people will approve me, Self pity, I feel I am not loved by anyone, not God, Everyone is disappointed, even God, I feel I can’t get it together, Defensiveness, I see correction as an attack, I react harshly with correction, Numbness, I’m unable to have emotion, I give up on area of personal holiness, Drugs, drinking, sexual relations

-Areas we can recognize rejection in our life: I receive what others say to me with a lens of rejection, I find it difficult to really use my spiritual gifts, I find it difficult to accept praise and encouragement freely from others, I tend to be skeptical and unbelieving, I tend to doubt, mistrust, and question authority,I am possessive in relationships, I am afraid that I or my loved ones are not chosen by God for salvation, I am both critical and envious at the same time towards others that are confident, I need to control my family in order to keep them safe to succeed so that they will love and appreciate me, When we are face with rejection we go to our coping mechanism

-Rejection...is a CHOICE YOU BELIEVE. YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE LOVED BY GOD

-Anger is NOT the primary. Anger is not the root but the FRUIT. Anger surfaces from something deeper like shame, insecurity, inadequacy, not having it my way.

-How do I know if I am walking in conviction vs shame? Conviction leads you to Jesus. Shame keeps you away from Jesus.

--When we are overcoming shame, it’s hard because there is this familiar feeling and when Jesus corrects us it may feel off ( like changing your tennis swing), but as you keep doing it knowing that it will produce the right outcome, despite the feeling of it being off, you get better and you swing better. Sometimes as christians we are so afraid to try because we are not doing it perfectly. But just as a toddler is walking and stumbling, the father is not saying you are not walking perfectly, he is rejoicing taking videos and so proud of his child walking!

-When you have a heart, and there is shame, rejection, hurt, there is a lie attached to it. When we experience something not good, shame says “ I am not good”, and when we make agreement to that shame, we are saying to the enemy, “I give you freedom and authority” Then there it becomes a stronghold where the enemy has a foothold in your life. When revelation from Christ comes in, and helps you to recognize shame and lie, then that breaks the foothold and you are healed. However there is temptation, that reminds you “ hey you are not good enough”, he wants access to your heart. When you stand against and say “ I am worthy and close to the heart of Jesus”, then that solidifies the freedom in your life. Christianity is not about being free from sin and perfection, it’s about filling your life in Christ so that there is no more room for anything else. When you repent, you are doing authority exchange. The devil is no longer your leader, Christ is, and when you walk in freedom you proclaim that proclaim. Repentance is your break up with the enemy.

-Forgiveness is the foundation of God’s kingdom and God’s character

-Unforgiveness is putting yourself as the judge to provide justice for yourself

-Forgiveness is necessary when we have been violated one way or another. Regardless of the situation there is a debt. In order to forgive you must take that debt and release the offender. Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling.

-”Open doors” are where we open our spirits to entertain different things in our lives. Sin is the biggest open door where we allow the enemy do whatever he wants with us. There are also open doors of compromise in our life that does the same. Examples of Open doors: soul ties (physical, spiritual, and emotional), drugs, explicit violent movies, music, witchcraft, any other areas where you put others before Jesus.

-Fear is a result due to lack of faith

-Examples of living in fear: my prayer times and bible times are motivated in fear, my relationship with Jesus is performance based, I fear failing God, I fear punishment from God, Forms of punishment I fear: withholding of financial blessing, true love and forgiveness, God is going to make me suffer unnaturally, God is withholding himself ignoring me not listening, fear of man, fear of becoming a self-fulfilled prophecy, I fear falling back into sin, I fear I will not free from habitual sin and addiction, I fear I will never get married, I fear failing in marriage, I fear I will get divorced, I fear intimacy and being seen for who I really am. I fear my children will not turn out well. I fear not succeeding in a good career, I fear disappointing my parents and those I respect, I fear my past and suffering shame form my past, I fear my past will disgrace me, I fear God’s punishment for my past, I fear confessing a sexual struggle sin, I fear God would not heal me from my scars, I fear I will be found out for who I am.

Because freedom week was so liberating, it was also emotionally draining since it required a lot of heart work and self-reflection. I would often go to the beach or try to squeeze in some alone time with God and feel restored. This past weekend we went to Mauna Kea which is a well known dormant volcano here in the Big Island. We went around 3pm and the drive to the volcano was BEAUTIFUL. We felt just overwhelmed with the rolling hills and how we eventually were driving above the clouds. Unfortunately when we got the visitor center we were told we couldn’t go to the very top since it was icy! Yes, I had to wear 4 layers of clothes because there was snow up in this volcano! We instead just chilled in the visitor center which was still beautiful. Also it was our team member’s birthday on Sunday so we celebrated with ramen, costco’s hot dogs, and mango cheesecake.

On our way back I had a good conversation with one of my team member who has autism. A lot of the team members are worried about him going with us on outreach since he has the tendency to underestimate his strength, especially when playing around with kids, and would wander off without telling us where he is. I was worried he might just fall asleep on my drive back when I asked him to keep me company and he did actually really well. I can tell he is often misunderstood and he does have a kind heart who desires to love and be loved.

On Sunday, my roomies and I went to Livingstone church together and went to Two Step to snorkel after. It was tough encouraging them to overcome the fear of the ocean but it was worth seeing them over come their fear. My roomie Naeun who is a great chef made us kimchi fried rice and Juhye who is also a great chef made us rrabboki. While eating dinner we shared how we are doing and what we were most thankful for. It was a beautiful time for us as roomies to see how far we’ve come in our walk with the Lord, how God has restored us so much, and how thankful we were that God has put us in the same room together.

Prayer request:

1)Perseverance and God’s grace: June 9 is technically when I am supposed to have my period and I am reminded everyday of the possibilities that I would not be healed. Perhaps I was wrong when people prayed for me and I felt confirmation. My neck and shoulders are still pretty stiff and painful in the morning and sometimes I get tingling of my hands. This morning I felt particularly defeated and frustrated but God reassured me to trust in His timing.

2) Continual renewing of my mind. I have had complete closure of all the bondages that I’ve faced and thought of but the enemy is fighting hard to remind or tempt me to return to the bondage of fear, rejection, and shame. I recently felt rejected by someone and I caught myself replaying our conversation and the scenario over and over again and beating myself up for it. This person keeps coming up in my head and I’m trying hard to fight this distraction but in the end I pray for more of Christ in me so that there would be nothing else.

3) Financial provision. I have raise $130 out of $800 that I need raise by June 28, 2021. Please pray that God would release his financial provision and stir the hearts of those he called to serve the people of Mazatlan.

Mahalo for taking the time to read this!

Alicia

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thesultryicon-blog · 7 years

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task six — ✿:･ pop quiz;

— ✿:･ { the master}

traits: determined, obsessive, powerful, charismatic, confident, rash, challenging

the master is most commonly used to symbolize the antagonist, or the upper hand. while they aren’t inherently the bad guys, their determination and ability to plan ahead can be twisted into something akin to evil. while that is a strong possibility in literature, their charisma and confidence can be utilized to create a strong idea and even an idea for the good side. many masters were the catalysts of revolutions, sparking hope and motivation. masters are extremely rash in their decisions, no matter how meticulous their planning may be. they tend to follow their instincts, and it’s a good thing that they’re so quick on their feet, otherwise, many of the challenges they face might have become uglier than expected.

— ✿:･ { neutral good }

A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment because when it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.

— ✿:･ { the consol}

esfj-a;

People who share the Consul personality type are, for lack of a better word, popular – which makes sense, given that it is also a very common personality type, making up twelve percent of the population. In high school, Consuls are the cheerleaders and the quarterbacks, setting the tone, taking the spotlight and leading their teams forward to victory and fame. Later in life, Consuls continue to enjoy supporting their friends and loved ones, organizing social gatherings and doing their best to make sure everyone is happy.

At their hearts, Consul personalities are social creatures, and thrive on staying up to date with what their friends are doing.

— ✿:･ { the enthusiast }

type seven;

Pleasure seekers and planners, in search of distraction

People of this personality type are essentially concerned that their lives be an exciting adventure. Sevens are future oriented, restless people who are generally convinced that something better is just around the corner. They are quick thinkers who have a great deal of energy and who make lots of plans. They tend to be extroverted, multi-talented, creative and open minded. They are enthusiasts who enjoy the pleasures of the senses and who don’t believe in any form of self-denial.

Sevens are practical people who have multiple skills. They know how to network and to promote themselves and their interests. They often have an entrepreneurial spirit and are able to convey their enthusiasm to those with whom they come in contact. When they are able to focus their talents, they are often highly successful. Focusing does not always come easily for Sevens, however. Their tendency to believe that something better awaits them, makes them reluctant to narrow down their options or to pursue their aims with true devotion.

The central problem for Sevens is that their pursuit of pleasure is compulsive. Sevens are fear types who are specifically afraid of the power of negative states of mind. These they avoid by seeking distractions in the external environment: by multi-tasking, by keeping their options open, by engaging in stimulation seeking of all kinds. For this reason, Sevens are more prone than most to addictions of all sorts, whether it be to shopping, gambling, drugs or whatever.

Sevens usually have a high opinion of themselves and their talents; they tend to focus on their strengths and virtues and to downplay their flaws and vices. They are often a bit self-centered which manifests in an unfounded feeling of entitlement. As Sevens don’t want to confront their own darker emotions, they also have difficulty acknowledging the pain that others experience, so that they sometimes have a hard time seeing the reality of other people. The extent of the Seven’s flight from negative emotions is really a measure of the Seven’s mental health; the more that the Seven flees from them, the more their strength grows and the more likely they are to erupt into consciousness in the form of an anxiety disorder or a severe depressive episode.

— ✿:･ { sanguine }

The sanguine temperament is fundamentally spontaneous and pleasure-seeking; sanguine people are sociable and charismatic. They tend to enjoy social gatherings, making new friends and tend to be boisterous. They are usually quite creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean sensitive, compassionate and thoughtful. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when they pursue a new hobby, they lose interest as soon as it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy. Sanguines generally have an almost shameless nature, certain that what they are doing is right. They have no lack of confidence.

— ✿:･ { scorpio }

Scorpios are truly the contradicting sign. They can be the best and worst of both worlds – independent and clingy, loving and cold, authoritative and weak. Above all else, they are intense about almost everything.

Scorpios are often mysterious people because their true feelings run so deep and they keep their emotions hidden. They also like to uncover things under the surface of others and are very intuitive.

They can be strong willed and determined, almost to the point of being stubborn. This makes them great competitors, even if they are able to hide this desire to win from you. This also makes Scorpios very dominant, controlling and passionate. When they do not have a positive outlet for self-expression, they often turn inwards and become destructive.

— ✿:･ { monkey }

water monkey: Smart, quick-witted, fond of being in the limelight, but haughty

People born in a year of the Monkey have magnetic personalities and are witty and intelligent. Personality traits like mischievousness, curiosity, and cleverness, make them very naughty.

Monkeys are fast learners and crafty opportunists. They have many interests and need partners who are capable of stimulating them. While some like the eccentric nature of Monkeys, others don't trust their sly, restless, and inquisitive nature.

— ✿:･ { raven }

Strong, curious, and energetic, those born under the sign of the Raven often succeed where others fail. Their deepest desire is to overcome the odds, to triumph, and to prove themselves to the world. They are willing to give up a considerable amount of personal needs, but in return they can use what others consider disadvantages to their advantage. That is their greatest power.

Like their animal namesake, members of this sign are difficult to pin down. In many world mythologies, the Raven Spirit was considered a trickster - a sly and cunning individual who would often get what they wanted, or otherwise entertain themselves, through the intellectual manipulation of others. Powerful and unpredictable, these spirits often had few true followers, for most people were wise enough to fear that which only a Raven is capable of.

This is not necessarily a “dark” sign in terms of spirit or personality, though. Many Ravens have highly developed senses of humor, and other planetary aspects in each individual’s birth chart will play a major role in the direction of that person’s life. Ravens can be young, selfish, inexperienced souls or old, powerful souls. How they use their power - for personal gain or to help others - will be an indicator of the karmic direction of a Raven’s life.

— ✿:･ { gryffindor }

The Gryffindor house emphasizes the traits of courage as well as "daring, nerve, and chivalry," and thus its members are generally regarded as brave, though sometimes to the point of recklessness. They can also be short-tempered.

— ✿:･ { orange }

Orange personalities are creative adventurers. They have an inner urge to be creative, active and enjoy their lives entirely. Orange auras are always busy with the construction, organization and forming of their projects and physical reality. The motivation of people in orange is based on how much pleasure and satisfaction they receive from their own adventures and creative projects. Physically orange auras channel their energy into adventures and pleasures of the physical world. They love the excitement, adventure, the thrills and danger. They enjoy the challenge bravely to conquer all aspects of physical reality, like to go where no one has yet gone before. They want to discover their own physical limitations and then let them go. Many orange auras willfully create unusual, risky and even dangerous situations in order to feel more alive. They love the adrenaline rush, when faced danger. The prospect of having a family sounds very conservative to these adventurers. Philosophical and spiritual concepts are mostly empty words, which have almost no significance.

#takeover:task #takeover:task6 #— ✿:･ isms #// this took forever. but like... everything is pretty damn accurate tbh #// also if someone wants me to trigger warn bc of the scorpion let me know!!!!

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renegaderoots · 6 years

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GENERAL INFORMATION

♚┋FULL NAME: Trish Lynch neé Hart ♚┋PRONUNCIATION: t r IH sh

♚┋NICKNAME(S): None.

♚┋TITLE: The Asserter ♚┋OCCUPATION: Money Launderer/Journalist ♚┋~AGE: 35 ♚┋DATE OF BIRTH: 8 August ♚┋GENDER: Cisgender ♚┋PRONOUNS: She/Her ♚┋ORIENTATION: Greyromantic Bisexual ♚┋NATIONALITY: American ♚┋RELIGION: Wicca ♚┋SPECIES: Human ♚┋AFFILIATION:Lynch ♚┋GENERATION: Third ♚┋THREAT LEVEL: Moderate (not malicious, sometimes violent, tends to be aggressive)

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

♚┋FACE CLAIM: Amber Heard ♚┋EYE COLOUR: Brown ♚┋HAIR COLOUR: Blonde ♚┋DOMINANT HAND: Left ♚┋HEIGHT: 5 ft seven or 170 centimeters ♚┋WEIGHT: 62 kg or 137 pounds ♚┋TATTOOS: too many rose tattoos to count ♚┋SCARS: a scar on her left cheek. ♚┋PIERCINGS: belly button piercing ♚┋GLASSES: No.

PSYCHOLOGY INFORMATION

♚┋JUNG TYPE: ISTP ♚┋SUBTYPE: Sensing ♚┋ENNEATYPE: 7w8 ♚┋MORAL ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Neutral ♚┋TEMPERAMENT: Sanguine/Choleric ♚┋SCHEMA: AS, ED, DI ♚┋INTELLIGENCE TYPE: Musical, Linguistic ♚┋~IQ: 128 ♚┋NEUROTYPE: Neuroatypical ♚┋AT RISK? Since there’s a predisposition in her family regarding schizophrenia on her maternal side (though unknowingly), she was diagnosed with undifferentiated schizophrenia aged 25.

BACKGROUND INFORMATION

♚┋HOMETOWN: Boston, MA, America ♚┋CURRENT: Dublin, Ireland ♚┋LANGUAGE(S): English, some Irish (she’s being taught by her husband), Swedish ♚┋SOCIAL CLASS: Before her marriage, Trish was part of the working class but now belongs to the Upper Middle class. ♚┋DEGREE: Bachelor ♚┋SUBJECT(S): Journalism ♚┋PARENT #1: Unknown ♚┋PARENT #2 David Hart, deceased, estranged ♚┋SIBLING(S): None ♚┋MAIN SHIP: Trish/Rory ♚┋RELATIONSHIP STATUS: married to Rory Lynch ♚┋CHILDREN: none yet ♚┋PET(S): a bird named Archie ♚┋ADOPTED? No. ♚┋RAP SHEET? Yes, mostly during her delinquent youth, though her crimes (like shoplifting) were mostly disregarded and downplayed with community service. ♚┋PRISON TIME? No.

VICES / HABITS

♚┋SMOKES? Yes. ♚┋DRINKS? Yes. ♚┋DOES DRUGS? Occasionally smokes weed ♚┋IS VIOLENT? Extreme aversion towards violence given her own psychological scarring as a result of it, but she can and will defend herself if necessary – so her way of doing so is strictly physical, though Trish does have a history of emotional manipulation as well. ♚┋HAS AN ADDICTION? No, but used to: narcotics ♚┋IS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE? Yes. ♚┋HABITS: Trish, in a word, is weird. She is late to meetings so often because she showered and then proceeded to sit on her bed in a towel staring at the wall for an hour without doing anything. Her chronic lateness, at this point, is moreso a vice than a habit. That aside, she will not leave the house without chewing gum or thirteen pens in her pocket/purse. ♚┋HOBBIES: playing with Archie, writing, organizing events, muscle cars ♚┋TICS: List all tics your character has ♚┋OBSESSION(S): Again, not necessarily an obsession, but Trish is fascinated by firearms and knows a frightening amount of it for somebody who’s not legally allowed to carry one. ♚┋COMPULSION(S): List all compulsions your character has

MISCELLANEOUS INFORMATION

♚┋HOUSE: Gryffindor ♚┋VICE: Greed ♚┋VIRTUE: Humility ♚┋ELEMENT: Water ♚┋ANGEL: Uriel ♚┋MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE: Godling (The Witcher) ♚┋ANIMAL: Sparrow ♚┋MUTATION: Air manipulation ♚┋WOULD SURVIVE POST-APOC? No.

STATUS INFORMATION

♚┋DEVELOPMENT: Underdeveloped. ♚┋SHIPPING: Multiship. ♚┋VERSE: Verselocked. ♚┋VERSE TYPE: crime ♚┋CANON: crime ♚┋PLOTTING: open ♚┋CREATION DATE: April 2018

CHARACTER SUMMARY

Born into what most would call a dysfunctional clusterfuck, Trish has always been restless, following her wanderlust to find a home away from home; a place to belong. Her father, unfortunately, threw his ambitions out the window and took to gambling until his debts far surmounted his will to live. His legacy, in short, were bills to pay and strange men turning up at her door. It was Rory who helped turn her enemies into assets – and those who did not bite are in no position to bark up the wrong tree today. After tumultuous relations, Trish has always carried emptiness inside her, and a kind of poisonous envy at the sight of fortunate souls. Above all, she wants to be loved; she needs to love. Proving to her worth to the Morrisons and the Lynchs means the most to her as they are her benefactors. There’s nothing she wouldn’t do to fight for her shot at a family – not even bending the law.

APPEARANCE DESCRIPTION

Unsurprisingly, neither her height nor her weight are of much consequence. In fact, she is often undermined as the typical damsel in distress deal, and gladly takes advantage of how she is generally perceived. Moreover, her choice of dress, while neither bright nor complicated, is undoubtedly lavishly expensive. Rory doesn’t mind her interest in materialistic things and actually endorses it, flaunting his wealth just like his wife. That, however, is not the only present Rory has given her. At their first anniversary, he gave her a rose garden since Trish loves roses, most evident by her collection of rose tattoos. Like all women involved with the Morrison family, however, Trish was told to improve her self-taught fighting skills (most of which she picked up on the streets) and now attends Krav Maga lessons regularly. However, it can be challenging at times to stay focused since she does have a scatter-brained tendency to her and a sometimes bone-idle work ethic.

PERSONALITY DESCRIPTION

Generally, you will be met with a shy smile and in quite a cordial manner. While her temperament is not exactly that of a party animal, Trish treats others kindly and appears soft-spoken at first until her views are challenged – then, her obstinate streak comes into play, making her somewhat unyielding and hard to get along with unless you see eye to eye. No matter what, she will defend her idealistic roots and readily pairs them with sober realism; but not without her relentless drive for self-improvement. More than anything, Trish is an autodidact and highly curious.

There’s scarcely anything dull to her so long as she encounters somebody with an infectious alacrity for their respective milieu. In contrast to this, though, are her contemplative moods where she will flat out refuse to talk or even so much as acknowledge anyone, especially in times of great stress. The crux of Trish is this: her own insecurity and lack of strong self is irrevocably reflected in her ever changing mannerisms. The need to be loved or at least liked, to matter to something or to somebody is such an overruling instinct to her that most of her personality is often in constant flux to accommodate whatever her partners need.

To combat this, her principles are often in opposition with the innerworkings of her very family and, more frequently than she’d like, surrenders completely, seemingly content to play the beautiful flower with no opinions of her own. All in all, her emotions are her own business, and she’s not one to wear her heart on her sleeve, struggling between bouts of self-doubt and unwavering confidence.

SKILLS / COMPETENCES

As far as her bilingual nature is concerned, Trish can communicate proficiently in both English – what with it being her mother tongue – and Swedish. Irish, as she finds, is a daily battle she intends to win. Where she shines most without a doubt, however, are her work-related studies. Obviously, her writing can more than hold its own but in addition to that, she is also knowledge in journalistic ethics, editing, photojournalism, television production technique, web design and, most importantly, how to fool everybody while lying through her teeth. Having her in charge of the finances would probably lead to bankruptcy, however, since Trish is not the least bit parsimonious – rather, she can be very generous.

INTERPERSONAL MANNER

In comparison to most others, Trish is probably one of the kindest, most likeable personalities within their inner circle. She’ll give you a smile easily; and a genuine one at that. Below her ingénue mask, however, there can be shrewdness coupled with an opportunistic business sense, given that she’s in charge of spinning amicable tales about the Morrison’s involvement with charity work. Thanks to her pen, the public laps up her words, revering especially Eoghan as a kind of celebrity. What’s more, Trish can be possessive in the way she loves, thinking of her lovers as possessions rather than people, the latter of which is a byproduct of the belief that she can’t have any lasting relationships, hence, depersonalizing them is the only manner in which she can be emotionally close to others.

MISC.

Characteristic traits

Positive:

Individualistic, logical, optimistic, determined, patient

Negative:

Indecisive, dependent, shrewd, anarchistic, opinionated

Schemas

EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION (ED)

Expectation that one's desire for a normal degree of emotional support will not be adequately met by others. The three major forms of deprivation are:

A. Deprivation of Nurturance: Absence of attention, affection, warmth, or companionship.

B. Deprivation of Empathy: Absence of understanding, listening, self-disclosure, or mutual sharing of feelings from others.

C. Deprivation of Protection: Absence of strength, direction, or guidance from others.

DEPENDENCE / INCOMPETENCE (DI)

Belief that one is unable to handle one's everyday responsibilities in a competent manner, without considerable help from others (e.g., take care of oneself, solve daily problems, exercise good judgment, tackle new tasks, make good decisions). Often presents as helplessness.

APPROVAL-SEEKING / RECOGNITION-SEEKING (AS)

Excessive emphasis on gaining approval, recognition, or attention from other people, or fitting in, at the expense of developing a secure and true sense of self. One's sense of esteem is dependent primarily on the reactions of others rather than on one's own natural inclinations. Sometimes includes an overemphasis on status, appearance, social acceptance, money, or achievement -- as means of gaining approval, admiration, or attention (not primarily for power or control). Frequently results in major life decisions that are inauthentic or unsatisfying; or in hypersensitivity to rejection.

INSPIRED BY: Triss Merigold (The Witcher)

#profile;Trish

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c3pojones · 6 years

Text

Who I Am, Who I Want to Be, Who I Am

The Concept

I read this article in the Washington Post the other day. The gist of it is that, according to research, we think we will respond to situations one way, but we often act differently than we would want to act.

The article sites research that utilizes two groups. One group is hypothetically asked how they would respond to awkward, inappropriate questions in a job interview. This group was asked something like, “how would you respond if asked this question...” They often voiced brave answers that fit their ideals. Some said they’d refuse to answer inappropriate questions. They felt anger at the thought of being asked inappropriate questions.

However, the second group entered into situations they believed to actually be job interviews. When this was the case, not a single person refused to answer any of the inappropriate questions posed and the emotion they often reported was not anger, but fear.

That’s a brief, simplified version of a very good article. I have a myriad of thoughts on how such research can help us to know ourselves better and help prepare us to be more courageous, but I want to take this concept to the church.

How This Might Play out in the Church

A common trope I hear about congregations goes something like this:

A new pastor is called to a congregation. The congregation wants the pastor to lead them into new territory, into change. They live in a diverse community, but the congregation does not reflect that diversity. The congregation hopes to change this and reach out to their community.

The congregation thinks that they are a welcoming place, that they are willing to open their doors to everyone, even to let leadership positions pass on to newcomers.

But when the first new members arrive, the congregation struggles to live up to their thoughts. They’re nervous and afraid. They don’t know how to welcome these new members even though they really, truly want to.

My Hunch

I am not a psychologist or sociologist. I don’t know the terminology and vocabulary. This is just my hunch on what might tend to happen. The combination of the external change (new members) and the internal conflict of thoughts and actions not aligning produces a challenging concoction of emotions. Congregation members aren’t happy with themselves for struggling with the change. They thought this would be easier. They thought they wanted this to happen. But there is a dissonance that makes them feel discombobulated.

This recipe of emotions, confusion, change, and discombobulation can manifest itself in various forms. Congregation members might get mad at the new pastor. After all, that’s where the change started. They might get mad at the new members. They might get mad at the old members who were more vocal about bringing about these changes.

Furthermore, the pastor might become disenfranchised. This is the reason the congregation wanted a new pastor! What do they expect? The pastor might then shame and blame the congregation for not doing what they said they would do.

I think understanding the concept from the article I shared at the top can help pastors and congregations navigate such changes. A helpful piece might be an honest confession. Simply acknowledging something like, “Hey, pastor, I’m struggling with welcoming new members. I know I said I would, but it’s not going well.” Followed by forgiveness and love that says, “Yeah. we’re not perfect. But you’re forgiven in Christ. Let’s keep trying.”

The View through Romans 7

In Romans 7, Pauls says: “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Romans 7:15). He also says, “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing” (Romans 7:19).

In some cases, “the very thing I hate” is an act of omission, an act of doing nothing, an act of cowardice. Sometimes the “evil I do not want” is manifested in a lack of courage, in still being afraid even when you desperately want to be brave.

We’re not perfect. We often expect more out of ourselves than we actually give. I am quite skilled at biting off more than I can chew (in both a literal and figurative sense). Since I want to be able to juggle 20 things, I think I can. I know it sounds sort of silly, but the desire to be able to do things somehow persuades us we can do them.

So, I have been known to think that I can train for a marathon, write a book, get all A’s at school, pick up three writing gigs, cook every meal, wash every dish, do every load of laundry, read for pleasure, write for pleasure, have a great devotional life, keep up with all my friends and family, work my simple campus job, save enough money to travel the world, and get eight hours of sleep, all while being the greatest husband alive.

When I type that all out, it looks pretty ridiculous. But that’s my ideal. That’s the good I want to do. And (spoiler alert) I can’t do it. The evil I do not want, I keep on doing.

Navigating the Distance

We’re all trying to navigate a place between the ideal we want and the reality of where and who we are. The distance between those two can be frustrating.

We’re often tempted in two directions. We may self-deprecate and self-loathe to the point where we simply think that we suck and are terrible, worthless people. But that’s a lie. That’s not what God says of you. And what God says of you is more trustworthy than what you say of yourself. You are forgiven. You are His child. You are loved. You are in Christ.

Or, we settle for a life that removes our ideals. We downplay the things we want as not important and not worth pursuing. We never write that book or train for that race. We give up on the thought of travel. We feel guilty every time we talk with a friend or family member. We settle for C’s and 6 hours of sleep. We settle for C’s in our friendships and in marriage.

Sadly, we’re tempted toward both of these at the same time.

It’s a challenge to take the gifts we’ve been entrusted with along with the ideals we aspire to, and enact the life we want to enact. We’re constantly reminded of our shortcomings.

The Parable of the Talents

I often think about the parable of the talents from Matthew 25:14-30. God entrusts us with various gifts, or perhaps various resources. Our ideals and aspirations are included in those resources as is our money, property, time, relationships, and our talent. God gives these to all people and says get to work. And we do because we love God, we love what He has given us, and we love our neighbors who can benefit from the use of our resources.

To bury our God-given resources in the ground as the third servant in the parable does is a real temptation. What I mean is that it is really easy to bury our ambition, to give up on an idea, to never pursue a dream, to be lazy with relationships and settle for just getting by instead of producing joy, to settle for our ideal and our reality being a long way apart and never seeking to bring the two closer together.

Life is short, and yet, it really isn’t. Training for a marathon might take half a year, but you’ll probably live for 80 years. It’s 1/160th of your life? Traveling somewhere new that you’ve always wanted to go will cost some money, it might take some planning, but find a way to get there. The memory will color and brighten the rest of your life. Writing a book might take a year. Editing it will take longer, and it may never be published. It probably won’t be a best-seller, but that doesn’t mean you should bury your idea in the ground. Even if it is not that good, do it. After all, as G. K. Chesterton said, “A thing worth doing is worth doing badly.”

All the arguments to not do something with what God has given you are echoes of burying your talent in the ground, burying God’s talent in the ground. The implications of such an action are that you hate God, you hate what He has given you, and you hate the people who could benefit from what you might create. I sincerely doubt any of those things are true.

And yet, here we stand together, afraid, struggling, confused, discombobulated because what we want to be and what we are simply are not the same.

God Navigates the Distance

And yet God comes to us in all our inadequacy and impotence. God sends His Son, Jesus, into our world to navigate the distance for us. Jesus delivers us from all our failings and weakness through His death and resurrection and says, “Hey, I forgive you. Get to work.”

And suddenly what we are is better than what we wanted to be. What we are in Christ exceeds our dreams and ideals. Christ comes and moves where we are right past all of our ideals and beyond into territory we didn’t even know we could dream about.

And somehow, through God’s ridiculous grace we find that our work multiples the resources with which God entrusted us. Our five talents become five more talents. Our two talents become two more talents. We wind up being good seed planted in good soil that yields 30, 60, and 100 times what was planted because God gives the growth.

Remaining in the Tension

Sin exists. It causes us to do evil things, and it causes us to fail to do what is good and courageous. Christ comes and forgives. Yet our sin and weakness can still hurt other people. My failure to do what I want is forgiven, but my neighbor is still hurt by my failure. Forgiveness in Christ is not an excuse to be lazy, to ignore one’s neighbor, to ignore the earthly consequences of failure. There is a continued inadequacy in our lives.

The Christian life is a paradox of being a sinner and yet forgiven, of being delivered from evil now, but not yet experiencing that deliverance fully.

So we live as ones who are forgiven, trusting God’s words and actions in Christ. Yet we do not let this forgiveness produce in us a lazy attitude that ignores the suffering of the world.

We keep on working with the gifts and resources God has given us, seeking to produce more for our Master until He returns. We do not stop after producing two talents or five talents. We do not bury any of what we have produced in the ground, but we keep working with what God entrusted to us.

#God #jesus #parable of the talents #parable of the sower #romans 7 #matthew 25 #washington post #church #sin #suffering #forgiveness #stewardship

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