#bc he just cannot control it. it's like his body will explode if he doesn't keep moving | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

heleizition · 4 months

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u cannot just present me with gold right when i have to go to bed. i have a sleep schedule to keep to! for health! and sanity! and brain! i love them so much. ur ocs. i love twin characters, so many dynamics and all are good. the art is also just -wants to squeeze- affectionately. who were they in their past lives? is josephines 'i failwd to protec' a thing that also happened in past life? bunny person very good. love how expressive the ears can get. also cute. i think i watched the first ep of d.gray man way way back?? or the first few? i have very little memory of it but a vague plan to get back to that sometime. angel love, angel life, angel delight. the concept of god being a baby of a big species of gods is -chefs kiss- love it. sleep tiiiime, sleep well when u do byeeeee

HEHEHEHE >:3 im evil .

i looooove siblings dynamics........... so so much ........... both chronos & nath and then nell & belly weren't even twins at first it just Happened lmao... chronos & nath were almost the same character in two different stories and i couldnt decide who to keep lmao and then belly was supposed to be nell's little sister he ran from after she saw him kill their father (to protect her) (nell is an idiot) but . it jst happened. anyway

SO THEIR PAST LIVES.

The group of oc is composed of many i havent introduced yet but the major ones are here i think except my Bad Guy. so keep in mind the story is cringy and bad lmao but i still like it to this day...

post apocalyptic earth where humans live under domes bc the outside is too toxic + technology evolved so now cyborgs exist + a while back some government doctors & scientists were working in a secret lab to implants animal genes w humans to make hybrids & something about genetic preservation whatever whatever. anyway.

eve is the protagonist. she's the only daughter of head doctor of that hybrid lab. it exploded 20 years ago which cause people inside that specific dome to mutate into hybrids (people woke up to agonizing pain bc their body was breaking and morphing and it wasn't made for that. josephine was one of those people ! she was a wolf hybrid :3)

we follow eve and her then group of friends until for some reasons (<==== guy who does not remember what that plot point was) the dome had to be evacuated. something about a deadly virus ? ofc as always the rich people got away first until the dome got closed off completely <3 . eve meets several people including chronos (human guy, future bf, hes a simp) maria & arthur (yes i will draw them at some point OTL) and they stick together to survive as the inside of the dome is becoming a battleground. doesn't help that part of the reason the dome was closed off so quick was that ~mafia~ (idk how else to call it, its not rly mafia tho oTL) boss stanislas was in here and has always escaped the government's assassination attemps thus far.

SO this virus slowly contaminate everyone but its slow and rots you from inside. terrible deadly soulcrushing. + stanislas is using every means he has to try to control the city & find a way out. except ex cop and also ex girlfriend jo (josephine) is here to basically kill him lol (he broke her trust & her heart and also killed a lot of people and revenge is her whole life). josephine at first is a lone wolf (haha) until she gets very badly injuried and ends up in a small alley where eve & her friends took quarters. they get her inside and find a way to keep her alive. also at this point the group has also met gabriel ! (bunny guy! he has a tragic past and i love him. hes my mary sue) and stephan ! (his not yet boyfriend who also has a tragic past and that jo feels very guilty about). gabriel used to be a test subject in the hybrid lab. he and eve used to know each other :] they are best friends now.

at the same time nath (who was supposed to be dead) shows up like hiiiiiiiiiiiii btw im here (hes one of stan's agent but when he was supposed to die he actually survived and got turned into a cyborg with special modification in his brain which makes him obey. but he did not Forget and he will fight what stan makes him do <3)

SO um after they all meet its basically just. a fight to survive and also moments where they're like. oh we're gonna die here. lets party so hard.

stan also realises he doesn't rly have a way out and dedicates himself to ending his and jo's fight for good this time which also put eve's group in danger since jo . stuck around . there are casualties which is why she feels she failed them..................

anyway . there are more stuff but its rly all over the place soobssss im sowwyyyy

LOOOVE D.gray man . one of my first and favorite manga if u ever get the chance to pick it up for a bit longer to see if u enjoy it ... yeah .....

#ask me #eve #gabriel #josephine #stanislas #chronos #nathaniel

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reaperkiller · 7 months

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💢😨🍩🍓🌏🎁📎💧☁️💔 for luci :^) blease :^)

my god i have so much to say about him im sorry, you enabled me.

💢 ANGER - what are some habits they have that will take some getting used to?

not exactly a habit, but he doesn't have very good volume control at the best of times. sometimes he is whispering. sometimes he is yelling. he has no way of knowing which it will be and when. you think you've got it figured out??? you havent. get used to it. and then there's the vocal stimming. he will latch onto a phrase so hard thats almost all you hear for the rest of the week. he does try to tone it down a bit, but it helps him SO much with like. regulating emotions i guess?? like he has to do it to keep his brain from exploding in one way or another. he does often find other ways to stim that don't make anywhere near as much noise, which help him in very much the same way. but sometimes he just HAS to do it. it's like trying to hold back a sneeze. it feels bad and you feel wrong afterwards. there's also his habit of very loudly going WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! occasionally. which is something he has done for SO many years at this point, ever since he was a kid. it's less of a stim thing and more of a Brain Reset thing. like things will get too much. or his brain overloads. or his body is getting Too Tense. so he just goes WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE very loudly and then he's normal again. he has fixed himself. there are times when he does it multiple times a day, and times where he doesnt even do it once. he cant let you know when it will happen. and you cant get him to stop either bc it's something he Has to do. yes it will be startling to hear at first but it's easy to get used to once you know What it is, and that he's fine actually.

😨 FEARFUL - when scared, do they go into "flight" or "fight"?

there's no One or The Other with this, it entirely depends on the situation, current mental state, how much energy he has, etc. if he's thinking clearly, regardless of the energy he has, he will take himself out of there and get himself to calm down. with low energy it will take longer and will often need someone else there to help him settle down. otherwise, if he's not thinking clearly, or his brain has just straight up left him to his own devices, he will charge at the problem head on and try to get it to stop, which eventually turns into freeze. because he kind of realises whats happening. but doesnt have enough. whats the word. idk you known what i mean. not in touch with reality enough at that moment to like. get himself out of there. so he's just Stuck. until someone has to actively drag him out, or his brain snaps back into place for enough time.

🍩 DONUT - favourite sweet treat?

milkshakes!!!!!!! but they kill him so easily. ice cream too. he just cannot resist the temptation of a sweet pastel pink strawberry treat……… please just give him a smoothie or sorbet or something. same sort of effect but with 100% less death likely. please.

🍓 STRAWBERRY - do they eat their fruit & veg? what is their favourite fruit or vegetable?

he LOVES his fruits and veggies. mostly strawberries and mangoes,,, and potatoes and carrots. he loves strawberries so much. btw. did you know that i bet you would never have guessed that that was one of his most favourite foods of all time. AND mashed potatoes. thats the one thing that gets him through a bad sensory day/week. mashed potatoes and soup.

🌏 EARTH - will they give up the world for someone they love? is this decision easy for them?

absolutely 100% without a doubt. he wants nothing more than for the people he loves to be Happy, and he will do whatever it takes to achieve that [within reason ofc, as long as it's safe to do so.] it's definitely an easy decision for him, he is an extremely caring person. it's led to him being used as an emotional doormat in the past, and he's learned from that and has finally set up boundaries for himself, but it's never stopped him from wanting to care for others, and help them in any way he can. if someone's in trouble and needs help, he will drop whatever he's doing, whether it's making food, working etc, and go to them as fast as he possibly can.

🎁 PRESENT - what types of presents would they be most happy to receive? are they good at gift giving?

he's happy with literally anything and everything. you can buy him a spatula and he would be excited about it. and thats not even putting on a front he just knows that someone put some thought into it, whether it was as a joke or a genuine gift, and appreciates it regardless. the best thing you could get for him though is books full of facts and trivia about absolutely nothing in particular. he is very good at gift giving bc he puts SO much thought into it. it might not make much sense when you first look at it, but you'll eventually realise that you really did need whatever he got for you, actually. it's always something Useful that you will keep with you for years. he's thoughtful like that [:

📎 PAPERCLIP - a random fact.

HMMMMMMMMMMMM. he always wanted to be a teacher,,, never really had a subject in mind, but probably history. unfortunately thanks to So many external circumstances, he never got to do that. he works as a security guard now currently, but eventually starts working as a tutor for various subjects, as well as a music teacher on the side. and he has Never been happier. he loves helping people learn new things

💧 DROPLET - random angst headcanon

youre killing me here thank you. he is often very insecure about how other people perceive him bc he can be seen as Very childish with the stimming, and his generally very excited and bouncy vibe that he has around him at all times. he Is very mature, and more than capable of dealing with serious and dark topics, but often worries people will just overlook that, and hide things from him bc of it. he's far more emotionally intelligent than people give him credit for. they just need to give him a chance.

☁️ CLOUD - a soft headcanon

when he's happy. like. Really happy. he will start vibrating and his whole face scrunches up and he just NEEDS to hug someone about it. anyone. Generally it's the person who made him get that happy in the first place [and even then 9 times out of 10 it's his boyfriend] otherwise, he will simply hug a plushie or a cushion, whatevers closest to him. he Will also go WEEEEEEEEEEEEE about it but in a good way. he's very excited [:

💔 BROKEN HEART - what could their partner do that would absolutely break their heart?

talk bad about themselves, claim that theyre not deserving of all the good things that are happening to them, etc, etc. because he KNOWS they are more than deserving of it. and he will tell them that. as often as he has to in order to prevent them from spiralling. he just wants everyone around him to know how loved and wonderful they are to him, and he never gets sick of telling them that. he HATES seeing people upset, especially his boyfriend. even so much as just crying will break his heart. it makes him so sad!!! HE JUST WANTS EVERYONE TO BE HAPPY!!! AND FEEL GOOD!!!! and he cant always control that or get there in time to prevent it. and it hurts!!! it hurts so much. but he can still try!!! AND THATS WHAT MATTERS!!!

#oc luci #oh yeah i dont have that much to say... [does this]#you enabled me. it's not my fault. theres so much to say about this little man

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erigold13261 · 7 months

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Hello, I am back again. I know you might be tired of these long winding asks, and I apologize. However, I cannot contain the Category Autism Event Level 7 TM in my mind, or I will explode. (Also, I wish you get that job you've been wanting to get <3 <3)

Here we go again into Crossover Land.

I just realized this. Haibara Yu's kanji name is 灰原雄、and the kanji that represents his given name is 雄, which not only means "brave", but also "male." As in the biological male. And... I like to imagine little Yu choosing the kanji bc he was a Real Boy. Older Yu thinks it was silly of him to do so. (But likes his name anyway.) (Also Yu is an androgynous name, so they might have just changed the kanji to represent who he was.)

Speaking of which, Yu was the first binary trans kid Gwen had ever known. And vice versa. Imagine the shock and joy when they find out that.

Yu was stealth trans until very recently.

Idk how Yu and Gwen found out, perhaps they were both going into the doctor's office for their hormones? (Yes Gwen started Estrogen while in Nueva York. No note has not gotten notes dad's consent.) (Maybe they wouldn't allow that to happen, but Gwen's body dysphoria was pretty bad.)

Commence a "Spider-Man Pointing at Each Other" or a "Spider-Woman and Ash-Man Pointing at Each Other" meme moment.

After a few days, Gwen gives Yu a friendship bracelet. A pink, blue, and white one.

Yu does not know what it means. And thinks that Gwen here has a crush on him, and wants him to wear her colors. But doesn't she like Miles????

Gwen realizes Yu is mistaking something drastically.

She picks up her phone, and points at the trans flag.

Yu did not know the trans flag, and gets more confused.

Gwen starts to frantically point at the trans flag more, to no avail.

He calls for Peni.

Peni comes and explains the misunderstanding.

Now Yu and Gwen wear matching friendship bracelets. T4T friendship for the win!

Well, now more people wanted friendship pride flag bracelets.

So Gwen (Yu, and Miles too) decide to make a bunch of them. A bi one (Miles), a gay man one (Satoru and later Ganke), an AroAce one (Nanami), a nonbinary one (Suguru), two agender ones, (Noir and Shoko), a genderqueer one (Margo), a genderfluid one (Peter Porker), two rainbow pride ones (Peni and Hobie). (I want to know Pav and Gayatri's queer HCs bc they made them one too)

Team bonding hurray!

Another less happy HC.

I wondered why in this world, Japan isn't known for its robotics or technology, and instead J-1, Vandelay, and that UK robotics company are.

Perhaps in this world, Japan fell behind after the economic collapse of the 1990s.

And instead maybe, they are known for people. Powered individuals. (JJK canon explains how sorcerers and cursed spirits are far more common in Japan than in other areas of the world.)

This is why the Gojo clan are rich. And Satoru is the first one in 400 years to be born with blues powerset.

This makes him important. As an asset. As a way to get on top of the food chain.

Then they need to control the boy.

They did just that. Control his friends, the places that he goes to. Every single move so that he can be on top.

It didn't work. Now the boy was hanging out with that Ripoff (Suguru), and that Freak (sorry Shoko).

(Shoko's healing is a good asset though. Might as well have them get married for more blood.) (HC that Shoko has a parent with an object head, making them less valid in that world)

Satoru even was in love with that Ripoff! How dare him! And even Shoko was in a scheme of... what?

Now he was useless, at least with that mindset.

Then Miguel and Olivia came in. Promised to help the boy and others control their powers.

They did not want Satoru or any of them around anymore. They agreed.

Yu was already friends with Nanami, but only heard of Satoru and Suguru before. As he was about to leave his home, he found a bus coming to him.

There was the SaSiSu three, and Nanami.

Yu is confused, but he leaves anyway.

But why weren't they having any luggage? Wearing their school uniforms? And sleeping?

(Olivia wanted them in full shape. An heir of the infamous Gojo clan was going to be an important asset that shouldn't be chipped or cracked.)

... sorry for this HC. I think it's pretty dark.

And a quicker one.

After Hobie realizes that Satoru was in a screwed-up home life, they decide to be a bit nicer to blues.

They know what it is like to be mistreated. And it understands that being a rich person does not equal happiness. (Something that Cyril knows too.)

Taught him music he was never allowed to listen to.

Now Satoru gets taught the drums from Gwen.

Blue loves it!

... sorry for the ask dump. (Might return for more haha/hj) Have a nice day/night!

Lol, don’t apologize! They are actually really fun to read (and now I am getting tiktoks with JJK references in them that I can kinda sorta understand lol)

Also thanks for the luck on my job! Hopefully I get it too (at the moment of writing this I am still waiting for a call back, will call back myself tomorrow afternoon if I don’t get one in the morning).

Anyway! Time to answer!

-Yu’s kanji: That makes me think of nonbinary people who name themselves after nouns for some reason. I don’t know why, but it’s a nice thing to think about since it was/is a name that makes them happy, and I’m glad to hear even if older Yu thinks it’s a little silly, he is still happy with his choice in name!

-Yu and Gwen: Oh wow, yeah! That is true! Gwen is just surrounded by a bunch of trans people who aren’t really binary trans. Didn’t even notice that till now! Neat!

But I can see the two bonding over that. Like it is nice to be surrounded by all kinds of queer people, but sometimes you want someone in an even more similar spot as you. I definitely think if Yu meets Remi he will be even more happy to meet another ftm trans person. Which might make Gwen feel left out a little, but I can see her finding out Tatiana is a trans woman, or even meeting Zimelu and just trying to get to know them and their experiences.

Honestly Gwen and Yu looking up to Tatiana and Neon J as elder binary trans individuals is a nice idea for me to think about. Even though those two don’t really flaunt their transness, they would definitely be willing to talk about it to make Gwen and Yu feel better about their own experiences.

-Stealth trans: Oh yeah, Yu and Neon J could probably have a really good conversation about their experiences as being stealth trans. Like Neon J literally only came out publicly for his kids’ sake as they were getting harassment from interviewers. Yu (hopefully) came out on his own to be more open about his transness but would still probably benefit from hearing about Neon’s experiences. I think Tatiana was never stealth, but also never fully flaunted it. She would tell people if they ask but wouldn’t just be telling without provocation.

-Hormones: I think you would definitely need parental consent at Gwen’s age. Well also Yu’s age, I think you said he would be 15-16. So I can see Yu getting parental consent and being able to go get hormones, but Gwen really wouldn’t. Jess would definitely have fought for Gwen to get them, but it would be shut down because Gwen isn’t emancipated and it could cause problems for Nueva York to give hormones.

Maybe Gwen could get puberty blockers at the very least without parental consent, like that would have been the compromise of Jess pushing for hormones. Though Gwen would definitely be given the proper clothes, accessories, other social transitioning options for note to have even if note couldn’t have hormones.

I can see Gwen talking with a nurse at the Nueva York doctor’s office and Yu overhears and wants to ask or talk to Gwen maybe (would Yu understand enough English at this point if he only knew Japanese?). Maybe he sees Gwen in some trans flag outfit or with a pin of some sort and that’s how he realizes.

I don’t think Gwen could have been the one to figure it out because Yu was stealth (maybe note had an idea just from experience) but I do think Yu would be the one to figure it out in whatever way he does because Gwen is a bit more open about her transness than Yu is (at least at the moment she is more open about it).

-Point Meme: Yeah, if they both wear trans flags at one point, that would definitely be how they find out and react lol.

-Bracelet: For once Gwen is glad to have been forced into Nueva York’s arts-and-craft room (also I should probably read ahead because I could combine points like this and the last one, but I like reading asks point by point lol).

-Crush?: (okay yeah I need to read the next few points lol, so like this one point encompasses the rest of the points until the break in paragraph)

OOOOH! So Yu doesn’t know what the trans flag is! Okay! So that wouldn’t be how they found out! Interesting!

Well, however they found out, Yu thinking Gwen has a crush on him because he doesn’t understand is kinda cute. Maybe he thinks her and Miles are just friends (or maybe he knows a bit about polyamory, probably not the word for it, and thinks this is some kind of relationship like that).

Imagine him going to Nanami for advice as to what to do and his aroace ass is of absolutely no help to Yu lol.

Yu ends up letting Gwen know he thinks she has a crush on him and she so panicked (not in a bad way because maybe she could like Yu, but Yu was right that she likes Miles right now and that is who she wants). So it’s like 10 minutes of charades and maybe Gwen saying colors in different languages or trying to say something but all she knows is like 1 year of Spanish and a few words in French or something, so she is just being even more confusing to Yu.

So she quickly leaves and drags in Peni. Gwen is super embarrassed, but Yu probably laughs at the whole situation (Peni is definitely laughing) and it’s a fun story everyone ends up finding out about. Suguru or Satoru just screaming “rosa” and “azul” to be brats and embarrass Gwen a bit when she walks by, causing a small fight between them and Hobie who (although also found the situation hilarious) is willing to fight on behalf of Gwen lol.

Anyway, once all of that is settled, you better believe the group spent a ton of time pleading for computer time so they could look up flag colors and identities to make sure all these bracelets are accurate and in the right order!

Also, I don’t have any queer headcanons for Gayatri and Pavitr that are set in stone. I do like T4T or Bi4Bi, but honestly what if they were both aroace and together. Maybe one is aroace and the other is something else. I don’t know why I want one to be aroace, or at least asexual, but I do lol. I mean heck, I wouldn’t even mind he/him butch lesbian Pav and BiAce Gayatri. I want these two to be weird in their identities but also totally super confident and happy in themselves. So yeah, nothing concrete with these two, but they love each other and are weird but happy.

-Power/Tech Japan:

I will be honest before reading ALL of these points, the reason Japan doesn’t have a big robotics company in this AU (at the moment) is just because I haven’t found the right media to fill it. Honestly, Vandelay could have easily been in Japan, someone on one of my HFR posts said they personally saw Vandelay Tech as Japanese, while I personally saw it as in California for some reason. So it could have been a Japanese industry, but just how I saw it, it was put in the United States lol. (now I shall read the rest of the points :3)

There very much could be a robotics company in Japan (there’s definitely SOME, but maybe not to the level as the main 3), but I actually like the idea that some places just give birth to stronger powered individuals! I always wanted to think about how some places give different abilities, different elementals, different bodies (like object heads). Like I think South Africa is a place that has a lot of powerful people or that Korea might have more people with light based powers. So Japan being a place where more powerful people are from is something that could absolutely happen!

I can also see the Gojo clan being rich because of this. That is something I haven’t explored all that much is how powered individuals do tend to have more influence and say in the world around them. So families with very useful powers are definitely going to be using those privileges to get an upper hand in life.

Poor Satoru though. Having blues life be fully controlled is awful. I’m glad blue was able to find time to become friends with Suguru and Shoko (even if they did end up doing a scheme that probably irreparably damaged someone because of overhealing, draining power, and matter manipulation).

Shoko and Satoru potentially being in an arranged marriage would have been such a cool story line to look at. Maybe the Gojo family didn’t have any better option at their disposal so they would have been willing to overlook Shoko’s object-headed parent because of its power, but after the scheme went wrong and showed just how far Satory strayed from the family path, the family would have never wanted that girl’s blood in the family bloodline.

Once the scheme was brought to light (and probably brought bad recognition to the Gojo family), you better believe the family was willing to pay Miguel to take Satoru and try to “fix” blue into being a better kid that would follow orders. Nueva York absolutely got a big donation from the family to make sure this happened (also I just imagine Olivia having to contain her excitement at the thought of studying these powers and then Miguel had to contain his excitement when he realized how much money was being donated to Nueva York).

I wonder if Yu and Nanami tried talking with the SaSiSu three on the ride to Nueva York. I can imagine the three not being very talkative to anyone outside the three of them at that moment. Everything went wrong for them and they were now being shipped to who-knows-where. Definitely not the most happy ride any of them have had.

(also don’t apologize, it’s all good! Trust me, I have had more dark headcanons as well as people sending me in way darker stuff. So you’re all good!)

-Hobie lightens up:

Oh definitely. Once Hobie realizes that Satoru isn’t just a spoiled rich kid, they absolutely start trying to be nicer (not to say that the two still don’t bicker and fight a little bit, but nothing like what it initially was in the beginning).

Speaking of Cyril, I wonder if Hobie ends up talking to Cyril and telling him about Satoru Gojo. I can see Cyril knowing a bit of that family, maybe his mom knew them personally or something. She is a very famous singer with a voice similar to Gayatri, which is a very strong power to have. Perhaps there could be a neat little connection there somehow.

Anyway, Hobie and Gwen teaching Satoru rock and metal music is something I really like! Especially if Hobie shows Satoru some Ex-Jay music that is in Japanese. Imagine the three singing in Japanese to rock songs! That would be really fun! (Gwen doesn’t understand what she is singing and Hobie knows the gist of what it is singing. Satoru would know exactly what is being said and loves that blue is able to actually experience something with others that blue can fully understand without having to translate).

I wonder what instrument Satoru would like the best. I can imagine blue knowing how to play a more classical instrument because of blues family, so maybe something less traditional would be to blues liking. (for some reason I see Satoru in the middle of a room just dancing and shaking maracas around and it is very funny to me)

______________________________________

That’s all I have for now! thanks for the info dump! It’s always fun reading stuff like this! And honestly this is the perfect propaganda to push me into watching this show lol! Once I get time I honestly really do want to watch the show. It’s obviously not going to be exactly like this since this is an AU, but just seeing stuff on tiktok and your explanation of canon is starting to be enough for me to want to see what the show is really about! :3

You have a good day/night as well!

#nsrtalk #spidertalk #jjktalk #nspidr #eriverse #eritalks #noart #asks

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milo-is-rambling · 1 year

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Don't want to sleep bc when I woke up this morning it was too early so I went back to bed and spent like two hours falling in and out of sleep and in and out of a dream about my dad where he was alive again (weird as fuck to say that cause it still has not actually clicked in my brain that my dad is dead) and he kept trying to do things in the dream like go to sleep or go into a different room and I was like talking him out of it and I kept my eye on him constantly so he couldn't leave and it was like he got away from me and went to bed or something and the second he walked out of the room we were in I woke up and then I just kind of stared at my ceiling feeling bad for like an hour and it fucking sucked and my mom wasn't home when I got up again cause it was like noon and she had a work lunch today and left at 11 so I was home alone with my dog and I had that dream and then felt really truly alone and I realized that my dad dying fucked with my already bad abandonment issues and like I know that he didn't die and leave me on purpose obviously but like he's missing from my life now and he's not gonna be with me through all these future experiences I imagined having him there for like I'm not dating anyone and haven't dated anyone like long term serious recently so he's not gonna be able to ever meet the person I truly fall in love with or like be at my wedding and he's never gonna be able to have a Christmas together with me and my future family or even have grandkids and my dad loves kids and my neighbor (his best friend) has grandkids who knew my dad and like I played with them in the pool and we hung out a lot this last year and there's one kid who has the same name as my dad so they always said little bill and big bill for my dad and his friends grandkid and next time they come to visit we have to tell them something happened to big bill and he's not gonna be around anymore and it just fucking sucks. Death sucks Greif sucks I keep saying y'know "love doesn't go anywhere" "the pain of grief is just all the love you have to give still" "blah blah blah you're supposed to cry" but like I can say it as many times as I want I am still definitely not dealing with this at all. I barely legitimately cry about it like I'll drop like three tears when a specific song comes on Spotify shuffle but I haven't cried hard really and I avoid looking at pictures of him or anything or letting myself have any emotion about it and I think it's bc of this big huge shame monster I have in my chest that I call my heart but it truly does not let me experience emotions around other people like god damn I didn't realize how bad it was like I thought I had more control over it and I was just being edgy or whatever but I legitimately cannot handle crying in front of another person even my mom who I am the closest with out of anyone in my life like it's just me and my mom and millie and that's my whole fucking world and even with them I just can't let myself cry or feel actual emotion and the second I start crying I immediately lose all sadness I had cause my body just turns it off like someone fucking turned off a faucet like I cry a little bit completely alone when im driving and I can't really fully let it out cause I need to focus on driving that's the only way I can cry anymore cause even completely alone I am judging myself from my head and won't let myself cry and I keep trying and trying and I just do not know how to let myself cry and I feel like I have this giant inflatable swimming pool filling with so much water that it actually rips the plastic and explodes that's what I feel behind my eyes and nose at all times it's one big emotion blob right there and I can't fucking let it explode no matter how hard I try and I've been fucking trying. I rewatched all my crying shit and haven't been able to get an actual breakdown started at all it's pissing me off I want to just feel my feelings so I can work thru them but also every time I cry I feel so much shame like how do u fix that so I can cry really hard for like two months straight

#god I wrote a lot sorry fuck I'm high I packed a bowl with weed and an little bit of nicotine and I'm like light headed but high but also so #tired and dry mouth like crazy god damn where is my water #mmmm mouth taste like cigarettes <3 #truly one of the best mouth tastes #I'm gonna try to sleep now or maybe cry a little but also I really don't wanna have another dad related dream caus I want to go back to #pretending he didn't exist so I can function as a person and leave the house but in order to do that I can't cry and let out a good cry #it's very hard to do both but I can't just fall apart forever but not letting myself fall apart means I can't cry when I want to #ughhhhh

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