#as to why I’m posting this now? 🤷 totally didn’t have a meltdown and finish this while crying shut up | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

notebooknonbinary · 1 year

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An entry from the Journal of Will Byers:

(Tw for suicidal thoughts)

Sometimes I feel like I’m nobody’s first choice. I know my family loves me, and my friends care. But I just feel like there are people that everyone prefers over me. Especially these days.

I’m not expecting to be the favorite child—I don’t want to be the favorite child. Though…going from mom’s “baby” to the middle child is…an adjustment. Being expected to look after El Jane El is not a bad thing. I love that she’s my sister now! She’s awesome! But…I don’t know. Is this how Lucas felt after Erica was born? Or how Mike felt after Holly?

God…Mike…

It’s so, so selfish of me…but I miss being his favorite person. I miss when we were little and could hug and hold hands without people looking at us funny. I miss when we could talk about almost anything. I miss when that was easy.

He hasn’t replied to the last four letters I sent. The first few I guess I just assumed were lost in the mail. But he and El have been writing back and forth. So maybe he’s just ignoring me…

Whatever happened to, “Crazy together,” Mike?

What happened to, “Best thing I’ve ever done”?

Now it’s “It’s not my fault you don’t like girls” and radio silence.

It’s not exactly helping with what’s going on in my head.

Dr. Owens said that with PTSD, I’m at a greater risk for depression and anxiety—as though I wasn’t already anxious before my life was permanently fucking ruined.

I saw him before we left for California— “A check-in check-up” he called it.

He asked if I had been having thoughts of ‘hurting myself’. I told him no.

I lied.

There’s no way I’d tell him that sometimes I wish I’d died in the Upside Down. Or after my possession. Dying would be so much easier than having to live with this stuff.

…

It’s not like I’d actually do it. I couldn’t do that to Mom and Jonathan, or to El. Or to Mike the Party.

Guilt doesn’t stop the thoughts from happening though…

…I’m tired. Think I’ll skip dinner and go to bed. Maybe I’ll feel less awful in the morning.

#will byers #stranger things #don’t ask me what this is bc I don’t know #vee fic #(not really. this doesn’t even count as a Drabble lol)#tw suicidal ideation #pre season 4 #byler #sort of #unreliable narrator #(bc we all know Mike was trying to call will but the phone lines)#wrote snippets of this sometime after I watched s4 and was having a pity party so decided to vent through Will #as to why I’m posting this now? 🤷 totally didn’t have a meltdown and finish this while crying shut up #course I think I’ll schedule this so no one knows when I was having my meltdown. I don’t want anyone feeling bad #vee attempts to write #not part of my fic series. but doesn’t contradict it

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