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coffeebeannate · 4 years

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Possibly Nonsensical ToG Representation: Personal Perspective

Nate nobody wants to read six thousand paragraphs of your inane ramblings okay?

Well maybe that IS the case, maybe SO but maybe I’m going to ramble anyway. And maybe I’ll never ever undraft this post because well who knows.

I ended up not drafting it, I just posted. Because why not. Pls don’t regret this, future me.

BUT.

I will say that, one thing that The Old Guard did that really stuck out to me, and has only continued to do so since reading others posts about it was, ironically, send my dysphoria sky-fucking-high.

(Not in a wholly bad way, that is!)

(For the record, I’m 29, and an AFAB pre-T trans guy, pre-T in like pre ANYTHING, I’m barely out publicly to anyone that isn’t a personal or really close friend, or like, my therapist, anywho)

In most cases, my dysphoria is on a very low simmer, there, but something I try to ignore because of circumstances, etc. It’s always a bother, sure, but well, I live, I guess.

So, I’m a Marvel fan, and in most cases..people I see on TV have been, well, lets be real-Chris Evans. Standard Hollywood types. I do have other examples of less ‘classically’ attractive actors on my list of things I like to watch, and absorb, and I’m a basic person who has basic ass thoughts sometimes. Those people are hot, those people appeal to the most innate feelings of people who feel things from attractive looking people.

But in my head, it’s ALWAYS been through the lens of ‘This is nice to look at. Utterly unrealistic, but nice.”

(I actually only recently learned about using dehydration to get those looks, and it further cements Hollywood shadiness, but anyway)

So for me, AMAB and men on TV have never really done much to my dysphoria. It’s not a look I’d ever have..so it never set off those bells in my head. I dislike having an AFAB body, sure, but it’s not like looking at the equivalent of a modified human art project on TV really did anything to it.

And then..the Old Guard

Fuck this is long, more under the cut.

So I want to point out that I LIKE action movies. I like things that blow up and gun fights on TV. I get a kick out of the dramatics and I’ve been in the Bond fandom since Craig Bond became a thing. I have some familiarity with the genre in general, on a low scale. And again, the Marvel fandom ofc. I also like comic books, and have for years.

None of these things are new to me.

But what is new, I think, is seeing it done differently.

I’ve noticed a HUGE difference in reviews of the Old Guard. On sites like IMDB.com. YouTube, etc, it’s..not getting the best reviews. And I know now why that is-it wasn’t MADE for the audience action movies are usually made for. And if you compare the comic for the Old Guard to the movie, it’s VERY obvious where Gina Prince-Bythewood made changes with Greg Rucka (And possibly Leandro Fernandez) to give it a better appeal over all. (Especially with giving the characters more layers, even in two hours, and making the story have more of a family and emotional value, which is a great choice and I wholly applaud her and her team. The team feels so much more lived-in in the film than in the comics, though I’ve not read through Vol 2 yet)

Compared to Tumblr, where people are raving about the movie *myself included*, and people who NEVER see themselves in a movie, let alone in a movie done WELL are flipping over themselves over it. And I am in that group entirely.

It has been an absolute delight to see people raving about this. Maybe it’s not perfect, but it’s so incredibly important to people who don’t ever get any GOOD representation that isn’t terribly forced, overdone, stereotyped, etc.

Is Old Guard perfect? No, is it really nice to see yourself in a movie outside of your ‘assigned genre’ (alternative films, etc)

Have I watched it six goddamned times since it came out? Yes, I have. I’m down this rabbit hole, I am living here.

Which brings me back to the original point I was making before this spawned into something entirely different.

“How did that make you dysphoric, then, Nate?”

Because, to be perfectly blunt, I want to link this post here, by @lindstrom2020 which hammered home why, and that point is that, there is virtually 0 sexualization of the characters. There is nothing gratuitous about bodies on screen here, nothing. And we never.ever.see.that.

And no, I’m not going to pretend like I don’t eyeball people on screen. I’m not devoid of sexuality, I am entirely pansexual. But that’s not what I’m trying to say here. I think that, well..seeing bodies that are still entirely masculine, and yet not..what’s the word I want..’done up’? Made all the difference in the world. For the first time, I saw, on TV, an average body, presented in a way that makes it look good, strong and almost achievable. Almost completely NORMAL in that way.

And no, none of the actors in the movie are unattractive. Not even a little bit. They’re still really goddamned pretty. But it was JARRING to see them as pretty but fairly average appearing.

And my brain..synapsed.

As a trans dude, I’m going to straight up say it’s VERY hard to envision what your post-transition body might appear as. It will never be entirely cis-looking (if you will) the way a body that’s biologically created will be, if you will. So you’re stuck working with so much imagination, so much of it relies on looking at post-transition bodies, those done after surgery and YEARS of hormones and even then not knowing.

And for me, well I’m tall, bulky and overweight. I’m also curved, and have a massive back, broad shoulders and long tree trunk like legs. (None of this is said to be a put down on my end, btw, I’m not fishing for compliments, this is the best way I can describe it)

(None of the characters are overweight, so obviously there’s still something there too that’s left to my own imagination, but I digress)

But! There is still something REALLY fucking validating about seeing men on screen who are still attractive without dehydrated abs and veined out skin because the flesh is crying out for sustenance.

I dunno..for me, it was just..strange to see. And there’s also something really really fucking NICE about queer people in the action genre that haven’t been shoved to the back of the movie, appear for five seconds and leave so the movie can scratch of ‘representation’ on it’s proverbial audience appealing points card.

And I’m sure if I watched more movies on my watch list, and stuff that’s been recommended to me I will find more! I know they’re out there, but for the Old Guard, it’s a genre I’d actually watch, something that APPEALED to me and was easy to get into because with my ADHD-Autism, it’s hard to get invested at times. So 2 hours was a good starting point.

Especially if I had to take breaks *but I didn’t need to, it was engaging enough for my wandering head*.

Wow this is messy, I stg I meant for this to be cleaner, but, anyway.

The overall thing is that the Old Guard makes me feel things I really do not usually feel watching movies. Sure it’s still a fantasy, sure it’s still got flaws, but wow if it isn’t just..really goddamned nice to connect to something outside of the box.

It’s not perfect, nothing is.

But Old Guard has done various forms of representation RIGHT, it has done extremely valid and important things. And since I’m old enough to remember the NONSENSE when Brokeback Mountain came out and it was called ‘career ending’ for it’s actors..to see this is just..

It’s nice.

And I KNOW that this movie and series is always going to hold a special place in my heart as a result.

A lot of others have made excellent representation posts, and I wasn’t going to publish my jumbled up nonsense thoughts, but feck it.

It’s not coherent really-my thoughts never are, and it’s long and rambling, but hell, so is my brain.

#the old guard #wow this is a messy ass long ass post #half of it probably doesn't even make sense #and i want to point out that this is only one form of rep #and the one that's got a really bonkers personal appeal #i have seen so many EXCELLENT rep posts already #but this is one of my view points #anyway here it be #nate rambles and rambles

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uwu-ouo · 4 years

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Life update

Plans are coming together to be able to start my business sooner rather than later.

I found out that I could add a cheap line with limited data for an iPad and pay the iPad itself off monthly instead of a one time payment. The payment itself is low, and I found out this is because it's going to be the lowest storage space available, so I found a terabyte hard drive that should will work with the iPad. Having limited data is fine since most of the stuff I'll use it for is offline or I can do while in wifi but it'll probably help if I need to send or receive something in a pinch without having to haggle with doing it on my phone and transferring it to the iPad.

I've been bouncing back and forth on wanting to go to college since I withdrew last year (god it feels like longer) and I've decided that I will go back and get my bachelor's in business management once I've moved to Pennsylvania with my dad. The earliest I'd be able to start is the spring semester, but that's better because I'll be able to get my stuff together more. I'm going to talk to the counselor there about doing an accelerated course so I can get through it. It'll be grueling, but I'll be in a much better place than last time and have much more emotional, mental, and financial support.

Speaking of Dad, he hasn't gotten a place yet. His area keeps shutting down and soft reopening and then shutting down again instead of just waiting it out, so it's hard for him to be able to schedule walkthroughs for apartments. I do still plan to move in with him, that hasn't changed. I was hoping to be there by the end of this month but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen, since he would have to go through the process of getting the apartment and then get furniture from the VA and move in, and I'd still need to get the rest of the money together to move up there.

I haven't moved on from my break up, but I have come to terms with it and am working on peace. I've been talking to a new guy but for now at least we're taking things kinda slowly. I don't want to rush into anything and I am kind of hopeful.

I'm coming out of a depressive episode, and have been able to get back into practicing witchcraft more, and it feels great. I'm able to enjoy the little things. I'm actually aware of the little good things that seem so insignificant when my depression is all-encompassing. I'm so grateful for this, and have been doing art like fucking crazy because I finally want to.

When I get to Pennsylvania I am going to try to get a job, but instead of full-time like I was planning, I'm going to look for something part time. With college full time and trying to start a business, the income from a job is necessary, but I can't burn myself out again. I do that every time and have made many, many mental notes that I will fail again at all my endeavors if I try to do absolutely everything to the max. It's been hard to accept that I'm not superhuman because of being a perfectionist, but it's something I'm going to work on.

My physical health is still declining, but at this point I'm sure it's the insane amount of stress I've been under. I haven't had any more grand mal seizures, but I do have a lot of severe microseizures. I'm going to get healthcare asap, get into therapy, get back on my meds, and talk to my doctor about getting a wheelchair and service dog. Those will probably help more than I can even imagine for myself rn, and I'm continuing to do research on them. I know it'll be a long fight, but it'll be worth it.

I'm on the fence about top surgery without hormones, and have done some research on it, but I'm nowhere near a decision, yet. I think I'll wait until after college to decide once and for all. I have a binder, though I can't use it often because of my physical health, and my dysphoria is not too horrible, nor is it a daily occurrence. But it is worth looking into and making a decision on instead of wondering. I'm just not in a rush.

My grandmother turns 90 at the end of this month! She's an amazing person and sweet to her core. She has Alzheimer's, which leaves a lot of people scared and confused and they lash out because of it. And she just... Sits and rewstches mash every day lol. And when I saw her last year I told her I was her granddaughter and she said she's blessed to have such a beautiful family. I almost cried I stg. I love her and I can't wait to see her once it's safe to after I travel.

∆∆∆

I'm so proud of how far I've come and how much I've grown. This year has been one of the hardest of my life, as it has for so many people. But even now, even with everything, it hasn't been the worst. Getting close, but not quite. And despite all that, I leaned what being loved should feel like. And how great it can be, and I want that. I've decided on starting a business, something I've wanted to do for years. So much bad has happened, but a lot of good has happened as well.

#personal #dysphoria mention #cw relationships #depression #chronic illness

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