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#apparently until morning at least. previously they havent lasted this long
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Am I. schizophrenic perhaps.
#so for the longest time ive been aware of ''things'' about me#for the most part i know theyre not real but its like i cant convince part of my subconscious#i dont see visual hallucinations so i assumed it couldn't be schizophrenia#but its like an EXTREMELY stronger version of the feeling when someone's behind you#but they're in front of me. i mean not directly theyre just like AROUND yk#like for awhile i would talk to this one shadowperson in my old bedroom#i was getting into spiritual stuff at the time so i didnt question it too much? she was sweet i called her roxanne#i could talk to her and she couldnt communicate with words or anything but i would read her emotions if that makes sense#and then for a long time i was fairly confident that the ghost of the twin brother i feel like i should have had would follow me#nothing malevolent just like. he was there. and he could communicate more clearly but it was still with scattered abstract thoughts#i knew this was weird but again. I've been pagan for a few years and there was a point where i thought this was something supernatural#i recently started talking to my boyfriend about it and yeah. the more i talk the more i realize this is probably a symptom not a power#anyway I've started having nights where before i go to bed it kinda gets a little intense#so here's the deal: i can add things but i can't really take them away#so if i accidentally imagine hmmm lets say smarf from too many cooks at my doorway. hes gonna stick around for a bit.#apparently until morning at least. previously they havent lasted this long#its almost worse when its light out because i can very clearly see that theres nothing there and that its not based in any reality#oh great i just moved to the bathroom and its at this doorway now. thats fun. thats cool. not at all terrifying.#anywho. i can add things too but it takes a little effort to get it started#so like if i create a superhero to stand here and convince myself that he'll keep that fucking cat puppet at bay then he will#last night thats what i did (with help from my bf bc hes not here and its the second best way to keep my tired self calm)#idk this morning im just really thinking. this cannot be normal and healthy.#when i get back to college i think ill try to get some mental health screening done#again its hardly ever malevolent and im always aware on some level that its all in my head#but I'd like to try to find out if its anything diagnosable bc then i can make sure it doesnt get worse#this post is just me processing and hopefully documenting the start of me figuring this out#i should probably have a tag for this if im gonna document it here#into the mind of ram#that works#idk i just hope this goes somewhere and maybe can help someone in the future if they're going through something similar
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livelovelaug-h · 5 years
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Normal life? Nice try trickster
Dean x reader
A/n: This is for @supernatural-jackles #Weekly Writing Challenge. The line is "you cant ignore me forever" it'll be in bold.
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"yea well I wish I never had this life and I wish I never met you."
*snap*
You were sitting in a chair at a desk??? You narrow your eyes what the heck?? Where were you. You heard phones ringing. You looked around and right behind your desk you saw Someone familiar. "Sam?"
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"Hey y/n what's up?"
" whats up? Or more like what are we doing here."
"working?" He laughs. "how much did you have to drink last night?"
"drink? I didn't drink last night. Actually I can't remember anything about last night after we got back from a hunt"
"a hunt? You shot an animal? And who's we"
"no what ? Me, you and Dean."
"Dean, the boss?
"boss? What ?"
"Sam you guys are going to get in trouble for talking"
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"who are you?"
"y/n it's Ian, are you high? Wouldn't be the first time" He laughs.
"no I don't do drugs."
He huffs a laugh "yes you do, we smoked last week at that party."
"what? No I didn't even know you last week."
"everything okay over here?"
"Dean?" "your hair's different" you whispered but they all still heard.
"I don't think shes feeling very well today." Sam says.
"since when do we work here? " You asked.
"...................did you hit your head or something?"
"actually -."
"why don't you take a sick day. I'll see if Brad can come get you. Let's go to my office."
You pick up your jacket and phone. "Brad? Who's Brad?" Following Dean to his office. He shuts the door.
"is something going on I should know about."
"no but something doesn't feel right about this place."
"you mean work?"
"yeah we don't even work here. I mean what even is this place?"
He stared at you with a confused face "Look I don't know if you're doing drugs or something but it isn't appropriate do to them before or at work okay? I texted Brad and he said he'll be here in 10."
You got sad. Why was he being so mean. You just whispered a quiet "okay".
Some guy came in asking if you were okay. He was about 6'1, skinny and looked like a normal guy. No plaid.
"um, I'm fine."
"okay let's get you home then." He started walking towards the door and you stared at Dean, you didn't want to leave him. You didn't know why but it hurt to leave a little something still felt off.
In the car it was quiet for awhile until you spoke up "so how do I know you?"
He rose an eyebrow and looked at you "are you that high?"
"I'm not high at all, clearly."
"sure and you Know me because we're dating."
"mmm-hhhm for how long ?".
"i don't know if I should be offended or not."
"I just feel like something's wrong or different i dont know."
"maybe you need to get a good night's sleep. More than 5 hours."
"yeah that sounds good."
You went in and laid on the couch since you didn't want to share the bed. "Why are you laying there Lets go to bed." He said.
"no! I mean no it's okay I wanna try here."
He frowned. "Okay then good night." He kissed your lips quickly and it felt so wrong.
Morning time -
You woke up to the smell of bacon and pancakes. You totally forgot where you were previously so you called out deans name. "Dean?"
"y/n? Are you awake?" You walked into the kitchen still groggy. You got a little startled when you seen Brad and not Dean.
"ready for breakfast?" Brad asked giving you a big kiss on the cheek.
"ha ha you know what I'm not feeling that hungry I'm just gonna head out." You were about to head out when you seen you were still in your clothes from yesterday. You quickly found your room and changed, seeing a paper with the name of your work and the address you took it and walked out. After about 26 minutes of walking you got to work. "y/n your running late." The girl at the front desk says.
"really?"
"only about 5 mins."
"okay thank you." You got to the 8th floor clocked in and went to your desk. Apparently you had a meeting 5 minutes ago probably about 10 now. You ran in and Dean spoke up
"nice of you to join us y/n." All eyes were on you now. Dick move.
"uh, yeah I'm sorry I walked to work today." He nodded but still looked a little angry. "That's okay, you can just do this week's article then right?"
Article?? "Um, but I just do sales."
"yeah but Josh can help you. Also, I need it by Thursday afternoon." You looked at the time and date on your; Tuesday 9:45 am. Great so only about two day.
"okay yeah." You say. Why does he hate you so much. Your lunch break was at 12:20 and apparently you had another meeting at 1 p.m. You were running a little late since you had to walk to go get breakfast, quickly jogging into the building, you bumped into someones shoulder knocking there drink over them and the floor. "I am so so sorry." You looked and saw that it was Dean. Great he already hated you. You pick up the cup and say "I'll buy you a new I didn't mean-"
"it's fine." You can see the anger in his eyes. "Oh.... alright. Well here's some napkins." You were holding napkins still from your lunch so you used those and started dabbing his shirt. "I got it alright." He said with a little venom in his voice.
"ooo-kaay." You say on the verge of tears. The next day you went to his office to give him a coffee and his response was " I don't like that kind. Back to work." Wow that was cold. The next three days were hard after that, you tried to avoid Dean at all cost.
Your three day streaks ended this morning when you walked into the elevator with Dean and some girl following. It looked like he was going to say anything but then glared at you so you looked away. He was kissing her the whole way up to the 8th floor. "See you later baby."
And now about 3 hours later hes calling you into his office....
You didn't say anything walking into his office and you didn't really look in his eyes or at his face much.
"please sit down." You did as told.
"So we've been on a small budget at the moment and sadly... You're one of the people that are getting laid off."
Seriously??? "Is this because of the coffee? I didn't mean it."
"it's not because of that."
"....okay."
"your last name is Friday and I would still like the article by Thursday afternoon." You wanted to cry.
"why do you hate me so much?" You whispered.
"it's not about hate it's about having a small budget." He gives you one of those fake smile with a shrugs.
"yes you do I see it in your eyes when you look at me."
"it's not hate it's just you're like a kid to me, always messing up, always having to clean up your messes. You haven't grown up yet." You were surprised to say the least.
It was like a wave energy just hit you
"you still act like a kid, you havent grown up yet. always messing up, and I'm always having to clean up your messes."
You remember Dean saying that to you before. The whole arguments came to you in pieces.
"you said that to me before."
"what?"
"I knew this wasn't right. you have to remember so we can get out of here"
"look if this is your way of trying to get your job back-"
"no, you know you remember. I said I didn't want to have that life anymore and then bam I wake up here. Trickster." The surrounding changed and you were in a completely empty diner sitting across from Dean and the trickster.
"I really thought you would be the first one to get it but not this time." He said to you.
"what?"
"deano over here got it this morning."
"what? And you didn't tell me?"
"I just wasn't sure if you remembered it yet."
"no you did know.... You kissed that girl right in front of me."
"yeah that was just a bonus" the trickster laughed.
"okay, okay I was still mad." You shake your head "so what you thought it would make me jealous?" He shrugged.
"okay." Your about to get up when the trickster speaks up "alright the point of that you bozos was that no matter how Angry you guys were you still Remembered and you definitely didn't want that life y/n."
"yes I do, you just did it wrong it would have been way better if I didn't have to see Him"
"oh please." Dean says.
"Would you two idiots just put that stuff behind you and move on. You still care about each other." You snickered. He snapped his fingers and you started choking, you flung your hands to your throat.
"stop your hurting her." Dean yells causing him to snap again, causing you to breath again. "Tell me that's not caring." He says and disappears.
"Ughhh" you walk over to leave but the doors were locked. "Oh come on!" You sat all the way across the room from Dean. It was quiet for a minute when Dean spoke up "you can't ignore me forever."
Silence. You didn't answer. After another minute you finally spoke up: "was she good in bed?" He squinted his eyes at you.
"I didn't sleep with her."
"that's surprising."
"you know you went home with someone too."
"yeah but I at least know how to control myself." He got mad but didn't say anything.
"I slept on the couch."
" wh-"
"I slept there because he wasn't you, it felt wrong."
"yeah it did for me too." You looked over towards him. You were caught off guard when he asked "do you really hate me?"
You slowly made your way towards him "hmm idk that depends.... Do you? Or do you think I always mess things up?"
"look, I was mad and I just said somethings"
"you didn't answer the question." He started slowly making his way to you now.
"we all have messes even me and Sam, you know that. but we all help to clean it up." He reaches you. "I missed you " he says.
"I'm sorry y/n for the what I said. I love you with all my heart, i didn't mean any of it. Please forgive me." He grabbed a flower from one of the tables and put it in your hand holding your other hand. You smiled that stuff girly smile and your heart melted at his actions.
"I apologize too it wasn't just you I said some things too. And I forgive you Dean."
"Good because I forgive you too." He said grabbing your face and kissing you. It was rushed but it was the type of kiss where you poured all of your feelings into it. You missed his lips and his hands on your face. You both heard "took you guys long enough." You pull away to laugh but Dean pulls you back to his mouth.
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kattalectic · 7 years
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Tagged by @1-800--hotlinemiami !
1) Relationship status?
Single
2) Pets?
Used to and have had many, campsites seem to.. gain stray cats often, we currently have one that will follow us around and sometimes be fed by us, but we try not to keep her around as shes previously dropped multiple sets of kittens at ours and do you see an issue for a caravan and us are not able to look after them
though i love cats, i miss them as pets too
3) Last song listened to?
Benickerson - Heart Pieces [All Levels at Once remix]
4) Favourite TV shows?
I’ve forgotten all shows which exist - LoK, Agents of shield (Even if I haven’t watched the latest ... 2 seasons? i should get on that), whose line is it anyway
5) Hobbies?
Drawings, games, what..ever else?
6) Nicknames?
Kath & Kat mostly
7) Star sign
Taurus
8) Height?
I forget - according to a very bad current measurement with a too-short thing and old tagged things I am 161cm / 5ft 3in give or take?
9) (apparently does not exist)
10) Time right now?
10:45pm and many other times and i pick and chose questions at different times
11) Last thing I googled
“monoprice” looking at that alternative options for tablets you bet i am
i havent actually looked yet and that was hours ago, welp
[side note if anyone has any recommendations for tablets then share ‘em]
12) Favourite music artist?
This is where I’m really bad because i never have a specific fave, but, Daft Punk are up there to be named specifically
13) Last TV show I watched
.......? oh I watched gold rush the other day
14) Last movie I watched?
???????
captain america civil war, i think
15) When did you make this blog?
Far too long ago (April 19th 2011, started posting May 7th ‘11)
16) Any other blogs?
My Art blog
A scenario-esque blog for a fandom(?) i’m not even in yet no one knows its me. shared blog but i’m the only one that keeps it running
An anon blog which is dead
Another hidden blog which is also basically dead
A joint-shared OC blog with a friend and the posts have been cleared at least 3 times over the years so i dont add anything there now
A joke blog for an old-ass thing which is also dead, should be deleted
An ask blog from 5 years back for an old emote-oc, should Also be deleted
Old url redirect
17) Do you get asks regularly?
Nope
18) Why did you choose your URL?
Generically a twist on my name, thought of excellently while hitting the keyboard in the vague order of my nickname at the time (kath) and additional vague hits of my full name (katherine) until something Looked Good
funnily enough I joked afterwards (by pure chance) that it sounds similar to how spaniards say my name with their accent, which after saying that I grew to like it
I officially started using it here after a snap decision while playing tf2, sniper, stage 2 hoodoo, which i don’t know Why i remember that, but I do
It took me a few weeks to adjust to the new url, and it coincidentally brought me a new nickname too, which i didnt expect
19) (Also apparently doesnt exist)
20) Gender?
female
21) Hogwarts house?
No idea, heck I havent watched the last two films even (something.. i should probably do, but it feels too... late now) but never done a test or such so, a mystery
22) Average hours of sleep at night?
...6? ish? or less, I tend to value staying awake more than i do the sleep and to regret it in the morning, that’s why two alarms that give me 40 minutes to convince myself to get up is a thing
23) Dream job?
i still would like the idea of a personal sign language interpreter, even if that is a dream ive basically given up on now
24) Amount of followers on this blog?
327
25) First ten songs on shuffle?
SharaX remix - Mannrobics
BUNT - Young hearts
Team Fortress 2 - Drunken pipe song
Imagine dragons - Radioactive - music box version
Twenty one Pilots - Cant help falling in love - cover
Vexento - Never Letting Go
Vanxe - Perfect
One Piece opening 14 - Fight together - English dub
The Glitch Mod - Fortune Days
Daft Punk - Digital love
I taaaggg @kimanda @azulplanta @nabulione @lazyghostsh @tearabyte (okay tumblr wont tag you I am sorry) @ppyro and anyone else who wishes to do so, also not required to do this if you dont wish
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