#anyway. I'm fine blah blah blah goodnight
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I just wrote all of this in the tags because I feel like my thoughts don't matter and I shouldn't make anyone read them but no, I'll write it in a post instead.
I just had a really fun realisation (that was sarcasm)
it doesn't matter what name I go by - as soon as I start associating a name with myself/identifying with it, it feels gross.
I thought it was because I associate my real name with mainly negative memories (and also because of gender stuff)
but no. even when it's something that only my friends call me, something that's only been used in a positive context. even when it's something silly like a username or tumblr url. as soon as it starts feeling like 'me' it's bad.
if I hear or read or think about any of those names/usernames, I feel nauseous. I feel afraid. I feel disgusting. the name doesn't matter because *I* am disgusting and bad.
so that's great. and I don't know what to do about it. guess I should write this down for my psychiatrist appointment (because if I don't I will forget but the problem won't go away)
no name no pronouns please pretend I do not exist 🙃
#literally it's so fucked up. my niece used my name today and I just felt this wave of disgust and like.. shame?#my friend used the name I use online and I felt like I wanted to puke. I love you please don't use my name I'm disgusting please don't#address me it'll make you realise I'm bad. somehow#the concept of me as a person is so repulsive to me that I can't think about myself without feeling like I should dig a hole and bury#myself in it#fun! I thought these thoughts were getting better for a while! but nope they're worse than ever before! please kill me haha I'm joking#but seriously this feels like torture and I don't know what I did to deserve this#I can't even be here anymore. it feels tainted. it feels like people have gotten to know me and its getting to close to the inevitable#point when you will all realise how bad and horrible I sm#this stupid website has really helped me over the years and now it feels like I am not allowed to be here anymore and i don't know how to#cope with that#anyway. I'm fine blah blah blah goodnight#personal#*too. of course I made a fucking typo because I'm bad etc
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At your service M'lady
Chapter 1
cw: Royal au, mentions of war Barisapph mainly
"My Lady, you've rejected countless suitors already, when will you choose one to be your husband?" Navi, the royal attendant, looked completely exhausted, look back at the red haired princess sitting on her throne. "They all bore me. Besides, there's only one man I have my eyes on…" Sapphire had stood up from her throne to look out the window, where a certain blue-haired knight was sitting in the garden. "My Lady, we've been over this, you cannot marry a commoner like him.." Navi kept rambling on, but Sapphire just stared off at her love, not listening to a word he said "blah blah blah blah you must marry a noblemen, blah blah blah it's for the good of the kingdom, blah blah blah, besides, you've never even met him, blah blah blah blah-" "Sapph!" she was brought back to reality by Navi snapping a finger in her face. "you know it's rude to speak to your future queen like that Callidryas." "I don't care, you ain't queen yet!" he chuckled, earning him a light punch on the shoulder from Sapphire. "Anyway, I'm going to the flower garden, don't tell Pheebs where I'm going!" as she walked off, leaving Navi there. "What am I going to do with her?" Navi sighed. As Sapphire entered the garden, the man was already gone. "Hey Princess!" Sapphire heard a familiar voice as she entered the gardens. "Flori!" she turned to see the pink haired groundskeeper, who was holding a pair of shears. "Shouldn't you be like, choosing a husband or something?" Florianne leaned back against the gate. "It's not that easy, Florianne." "What do you mean?" Sapphire held her face in her palm, "Most Noblemen are pathetic scum, who only want money or power. They never talk about anything interesting either. If I get one more half assed compliment, I'm going to lose it." Florianne got down on one knee and extended his arm out dramatically. "Oh fairest lady of the fair, would you consider taking my hand in marriage forever and ever, stay with me, from dusk till dawn?" She snickered, "That was one of the cringiest things I've ever heard" "Thanks, I tried" Florianne giggled. "Hey, have you seen a man with blue hair anywhere around here?" Florianne thought for a moment. "No I haven't, sorry. I'll tell you if I do though," She smile at him and walked off. When she returned to the throne room she saw the blue haired man, along with Navi, who looked just as shocked as her. The man walked towards her, and kissed her hand, "Hello princess, from now own, I will be your personal guard, at Lady Pheobe's request." Sapphire glared at the little girl behind him, who gave her a cheeky grin. "Dammit," she thought. "My Lady, it's for your own good," Pheobe started, "Our lines of defense have been getting weaker, and you are our only heir, we can't risk it." Sapphire sighed, "Fine." As her new "bodyguard" walked her to her room, she got a better look at him, his navy blue eyes, his long silky sky blue hair, his- "We're here My Lady." she looked at the door to her room. "Ah, thank you…" "Baritone. That's my name." "Thank you, Baritone. Goodnight." "Goodnight My Lady."
DO NOT PUT MY WORKS INTO ANY AI.
tags: @i-like-forgs @twistwonderlanddevotee @officialdaydreamer00
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I need like a diary to write in, I've just felt so BLAH today; yesterday was long and tiring, my family wasn't able to help me or spend time with me for our church Christmas party, I felt really alone. My period also started yesterday which wiped me out even more, on top of the 8 hour work day, and kept me tired all day today.
My family didn't even come to church this evening with me, and they don't feel good so I'm not mad at them, I'm just disappointed again. I was in charge of the children's Christmas play practice this evening, which went very well, but also again: very tiring. There's also just like, 5 church members who are sick/hurting today and maybe it's just being emotional time, but I felt extra burdened for them and just feeling worried on their behalves, and it sucks
And my 6 year anniversary with Bram is on Tuesday, but we have to practice with the kids for the Christmas play again on Tuesday, which I don't have an issue with , but when Bram heard he got a little grumpy which made ME a little grumpy because I was trying to give SOLUTIONS like: we can go on a date tomorrow instead of Tuesday, if you feel we will be rushed
And then he mentioned that he's trying to get back into playing a video game with his friends every Monday (which he hasn't done for months because we haven't had GOOD INTERNET but he chooses 2 mONTHS BEFORE OUR WEDDING to start that again, ok) AND he already played it with them yesterday.
I have a lot to say about that but I wrote it all and deleted it twice lol but it's fine, he offered to watch a movie with me tomorrow, which insinuates he's not gonna spend time with his friends, he's choosing me hooray; I used to be really codependent (maybe I still am) during our ldr, and I'm trying so so hard to be conscious about it and let him do things away from me whenever he wants. But gosh it really bothers me how many hours he's planning to play video games weekly, and FOUR dnd campaigns that range from bi-weekly to monthly, when our wedding is so close. Like I'm really bothered but where is that line of me being rational or me being controlling. Idk where it is, that's why I don't say anything and just yell inside my head
Anyway this week was long and hard and today was tiresome and then he went to bed tonight without staying up to say goodnight to me; again it's ON ME, because I was trying to not leave my grandpa alone too soon. And Bram wakes up really early. But idk. He chose a shower and laundry over talking to me in the other house with grandpa and that's not a WRONG CHOICE, I'm just emotional and sad and tired and grumpy and I don't wanna go to sleep cause then it's Tomorrow that much sooner and I'm not ready to start another week. I have to buy new tires and get my blood drawn and play the dnd at someone's house an hour away even though I want to do 0 of these things. I wanna rest and not dedicate any more weekends to things that are not wedding planning or resting UGH
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okay, well today was majorly blah. I woke up feeling like shit (cramps) but had to go to work because we were having our first in person all staff meeting, so I did. no court, and not much to do, so I was mostly just killing time until we left for the meeting at 2. the meeting was fine, nothing too exciting. we went out for a happy hour with everyone afterwards which fun for a while, but I got really exhausted and ended up ubering home. we hung out for a bit, then when my roommate started getting ready for bed I did too because I am super tired and that's why this post is being written significantly earlier than usual. I already emailed my boss asking to work from home tomorrow because I know I'll still feel like absolute shit, so that should help at least. we just had a conversation at the meeting about actually taking sick days when you're sick and not just working from home, but like, I have an emergency motion up in court in the morning (that *I* filed) and a deposition in the afternoon (yeah that's gonna be a rough one) so taking a sick day isn't really an option here. bleh, this sucks. anyway, I'm gonna go to bed now, because I'm super tired and feel like crap. Goodnight friends. Hope you're feeling better than me right now.
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Conversation
Part 11
Misaki: (Runs hands through his hair) Sorry Takahiro, I was going to call you, but i've been a little preoccupied with my fiance here..
Takahiro: I had to hear it from this guy (Taps Isaka's chest) Luckily he didn't sound worried so...
Takahiro, Isaka: Wait did you just say Fiance?
Misaki: Oh yeah, we got engaged saturday.
Isaka: (Walks over to Usagi, salps usagi on the shoulder who groans in pain) Congrats man, you finally asked him!
Usagi: (Raspy voice) Uh, actually Misaki asked me, and please don't hit me I just has surgery.
Takahiro: Are you okay Usagi-san?
Usagi: I'm fine
Takahiro: (Walks over to Misaki and Usagi) So, you guys are getting married?
Misaki: Yes, Yeah we are.
Takahiro: We'll congrats.
Misaki: Yeah, you don't seem so happy about it.
Takahiro: I haven't even gotten used to the idea of you guys dating and now you're engaged?
Misaki: Yeah, we'll my plan was to propose after we told you and before I graduated, so I don't really care if you've gotten used to it, we've been dating for years without you knowing and now that you know we can fully be happy, and if i'm sorry if you can't get on board.
Takahiro: I can, I just need time to processes all this.
Misaki: We'll right now, we need to focus on Usagi, so this conversation isn't happening right now.
Takahiro: (Nods walks over to the sofa and sits down beside Aikawa).
Isaka: Well I'm happy for you. (Smiles awkwardly, and goes to sit on the sofa).
(Nurse Rose walks in and smiles at Aikawa causing her to blush, she sits on the arm of the sofa causing her to blush more, her heart was beating out of her chest, hopefully no one could hear it.)
Nurse rose: Looks like we have a full house.
Misaki: Yeah, my brother Takahiro is beside Aikawa, and beside him is the senior manager at the publishing company where Usagi's work is published, his name is Isaka.
Takahiro, Isaka: Hello.
Nurse Rose: So how is everyone doing? Usagi the cafe is about to close so if you want anything to eat you should place and order now, otherwise I can get you some liquid broth and tea from up here.
Usagi: I'll just take whatever's up here.
Nurse Rose: Sure, the four of you should probably go grab some food.
Misaki: I want to stay here
Usagi: No, you need to eat.
Misaki: (Sighs)
Usagi: I'll be fine for an hour, I promise.
Isaka: (Stands up, walks over to Misaki, Placing a comforting hand on his shoulder), Come on Misaki, he'll be okay.
Misaki: (Stands up) Okay (Softly places hand on Usagi's cheek and and leans down to kiss him, he softly whispers "I love you" against his lips, before giving him another kiss.
Nurse Rose: Okay, so I can take you guys up to the cafe, (confused look) It's on the fivthteen floor for some reason, never understood that, shall we go everyone?
Misaki, Isaka, Takahiro, and Aikawa: (All follow Nurse rose out of the room, and onto the elevator).
Nurse Rose: Alright fun ride! I'm on my break before going into my night shift, do you guys mind if I eat with you?
Misaki: (gently nudges Aikawa)
Aikawa: (Slants eyebrows and mouths "what")
Misaki: (Nods at her)
Aikawa: Um, Nurse Rose?
Nurse Rose: (Smiles) I'm on break, you can just call me Rose.
Aikawa: (Blushes). Um you can join us for dinner.
Nurse Rose: Oh, that's cool! Thanks. I want to get to know you more.
Aikawa: (Clears throat) Uh, a- all- all of us.
(Elevator dings, they all get off following nurse rose to the cafe, They all get a large plate of shrimp tempura to share, and chicken broth, options were limited, since it was late and the cafe would be closing soon. Isaka, and Takahiro followed Nurse Rose to a table in the far corner of the restaurant, while Misaki and Aikawa trailed behind.
Aikawa: When she said she wants to get to know you, she meant all of us right?
Misaki: (Laughs) No, she wants to get to know YOU.
Aikawa: What does that mean?
Misaki: It means she likes you.
Aikawa: So you're engaged and suddenly you're the relationships expert? Isn't Usagi your first relationship?
Misaki: (Scuffs) And how many relationships have you been in?
(They approach the table, Nurse rose grins at Aikawa)
Misaki: See she's smiling at you.
Aikawa: No, she's Being friendly
Nurse Rose: Aikawa, I saved you a seat. (Pats the seat)
Misaki: See, (Walks over and sits beside Isaka.
Isaka: CHIBI!! (Throws arms around Misaki)
Misaki: What!?
Isaka: What's happening, how are you handling this?
Misaki: (Takes a bite of the shrimp). As well as I can be
Isaka: Good, so tell me , what's going on with those two?
(Across the table)
Rose: So how long have you known Akihiko?
Aikawa: Oh many years, he's a pain in the ass, but he's a good guys, he's like my brother.
Rose: So you've never had any sort of feelings for him?
Aikawa: (Snorts) Oh god no! He's never been into girls and the one person he's "loved" before Misaki didn't feel that way about him. Misaki's the love of his life.
Rose: (Touches Aikawa's hand) And what about you?
Aikawa: (Blushes) What about me?
Rose: (Chuckles) You ever been in love.
Aikawa: I'm in love with my Job.
Rose: Ah, one of those people.
Aikawa: One of what people?
Rose: Your life is your job and you never dedicate anytime to yourself, or anything else.
Aikawa: That-
Rose: Not true?
Aikwawa: (blushes) I need to make some time for myself?
Rose: How about tomorrow?
Aikawa: Tomorrow?
Rose: I get off at 5, we can get dinner?
Aikawa: I-
Isaka, Misaki: SAY YES!
Rose: (laughs)
Aikawa: Um, Yes!
Rose: Okay, cool. Um can I get your number?
Aikawa: Oh, um sure. (takes phone out of pocket, the two exchange numbers), Um you can call me Eri.
Isaka: Whoa! You never let anyone call you by your first name.
Aikawa: Isaka, hush.
Rose: (Laughs, we should probably head back, Im sure Akihiko is hungry, and it's almost seven so visiting hours are almost over, everyone has to head home. Except you Misaki, legally you can stay.
Isaka: What, why does he get to stay.
Rose: (Raises eyebrows),Misaki's his fiance.Don't worry the rest of you can come back at six am. Anyway we should get going, you have thirty minutes to say goodnight to your friend, and Misaki I can bring some sheets and a warm cover up so you can fix up the sofa, it pulls out into a bed.
Misaki: Thank you Nurse Rose.
(Misaki sat with his arms crossed and a foot up in the chair,he watched as Nurse rose fixed the sofa for him,she was smiling and humming, apparently she was happy about her date with Aikaw,it was around seven-thirty and everyone had already left, Usagi flipped through the tv channels and sipped on a third cup of tea, his seaced IV bag had been replaced when they came back upstairs and he had his second round of antibiotics, his vitals were still looking good, and he would have labs drawn around three in the morning, his bandages had been replaced and his surgery area looked good, other than the labs, and nurse rose checking on them throughout the night they should be good).
Misaki: You didn't have to make up the sofa, I could've done it by myself.
Nurse Rose: That's okay. It's my job.
Usagi: Misaki, relax let someone do something for you for once, plus don't you have an exam to study for? maybe do that for an hour huh?
Misaki: Fine. (Walks over to table near the window, grabs laptop, walks back over to Usagi and starts to work on study guide.
Usagi: Is this for German?
Misaki: Uh, Yeah.
Usagi: How do you feel about that?
Misaki: Good.
Usagi: Your grades are still passing?
Misaki: Ugh, yes Usagi, god you're in the hospital and you're still nagging me?
Usagi: (Reaches hand out) I just want you to graduate, you've worked so hard.
Misaki: (Smiles, takes his hand) I know, thank you.
Nurse rose: (Sits on the armchair of the sofa, she smiles at them). Do you Guys always banter like this?
Misaki: (Chuckles) Yeah kinda our thing.
Nurse Rose: So how long have you guys been together?
Usagi: (Moves bed up): Um, almost five years.
Nurse rose: How did you meet.
Misaki: He used to be my tutor, and was in love with my brother.
Nurse Rose: Really?
Usagi: Yeah, Kinda a long story.
Nurse Rose: And that doesn't make it weird.
Misaki: Um, there were times early in our relationship when I was worried he was still in love with him but-
Usagi: His brother means a lot to me, but Misaki's the love of my life, I love him so fucking much, I'll never love anyone as much as Misaki, he's my everything.
Nurse Rose: Wow, That's so sweet.
Misaki: (Sobbing) Usagi, stop saying stuff like that, I need to study.
Usagi: (Smirks) You already know that's how i feel about you, I say it to you all the time.
Misaki: Yeah, but i'm studyyinngggg.
Usagi: (Laughs). Get back to studying.
Misaki: You know i feel the same way about you right baby?
Usagi: Ahh, did you just call me baby? Do it again.
Misaki: Mmmhm, can't studying, watch tv or somthing.
Nurse Rose: Well (stands).If You need anything, you know how to get ahold of me.
Usagi: Yes, thank you.
Nurse Rose: (Exits).
(Misaki slams laptop and places it on the table in front of Usagi before pushing it out of the way, surprising him).
Usagi: Misaki, what are you doing? because we can't have sex if that's what you're trying to do. I mean I really want to, but we can't.
Misaki: No, I know that, but I have news.
Usagi: What news makes you act like THAT.
Misaki: Nurse Rose and Aikawa have a date tomorrow!
Usagi: Awe good for them.
Misaki: Why aren't you more Excited!
Usagi: I'll be more excited once you pass the test!
Misaki: (Grabs laptop) You're no fun.
Usagi: I-
Misaki: You just want me to graduate BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!
Usagi: Misaki
Misaki: I'm studying, I'm studying.
Misaki: Done, are you happy? (he looked beside him, it was ten, Usagi was out cold, he placed his laptop on the table, turned the lights off, and changed the channel to some dumb sitcom that would give him a good laugh and walked back over to Usagi, he softly ran his fingers through his soft grey hair, and leaned down softy giving him a kiss on the lips). Goodnight my love (He walked over the the sofa and sighed as he crawled under the covers, it felt weird not cuddling next to Usagi, they've been doing it a lot more recently and he knew he would have a hard time sleeping not wrapped in Usagi's arms, he drifted off into an uneasy sleep.
#usagi#usagi x misaki#usami akihiko#misaki x usagi#akihiko usami#misaki#misaki takahashi#takahashi misaki#takahiro takahashi#isaka ryuichiro#isak#erin aikawa#aikawa#my OTP#otp feels#otp#gay otp#fanfiction#ship
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(1)Hey beautiful, I'm glad you're feeling better! I spent my weekend at work and went to see some friends, also I started a Series of Unfortunate Events and I like it so far. How's your hiatus going? Are you watching any series until OUAT comes back? I'll say it again I love reading your metas, my preferences and headcanons regarding the show are really similar to yours. What you said about the Killian/Liam II dynamic seems pretty realistic.
(2)And yes I love that Killian's backstories never excuse his crimes and that it always parallels him doing the right thing in the present. It's repetitive but it always shows how good is redemption arc is and that even in the flashbacks his instinct is to to the right thing and I love that. OUAT is far from perfect (your bio "I hate OUAT but I still watch it" describe me perfectly lol) (3)but they created such complex characters, with rich backstories, and it's fascinating to analyze them and their dynamic with others. It's easy to have tons of headcanons and obviously few of them will actually happen on the show but it's such a nice surprise when they do happen, for instance i'm SO HAPPY that Emma met Liam and Milah, I had wanted this forever and I always wondered how it would happen. It wasn't perfect tho, I feel like 5x15 was...weirdly paced. (4)I wish we'd seen Killian introduce Emma and Liam. I guess it was in the script but they cut it. And the Milah/Emma dynamic was everything, I loved it so much. I saw the spoilers that Milah would be back and that they'd meet and for three months I imagined how it would be. That episode made me appreciate Milah a lot more but I'm still bitter about what happened, her soul is trapped forever and people like freakin CORA got to move on.. (5) Okay it's the last one! I wish you goodnight (or a good day depending on when you'll read this)! –your CSSV ♡
Hello, love! I’m dealing with the hiatus by staying on Tumblr and exchanging thoughts with other people, and I rewatch some of my favourite scenes from CS! I can’t keep up with too many shows at the same time, so I find it hard to watch a lot of them. I’m not quite a series junkie, so I’ve still yet to watch the new Sherlock or Mozart in the Jungle episodes. However, me and my roomie FINALLY finished the sixth season of Charmed that we started more than a month ago :P we’re going slowly but we will rewatch it all!
Heh, I changed my blog description after 6x10 to the one I have now. I really loved this show once, with its ideas and narrative and stories and all, and to some extent I still do, but now its quality has lowered significantly for me. But still for me it will be the show that gave me a fictional character whom I’ve loved more than any other and a ship I’m proud and certain to call my OTP. I have had some childhood/adolescence OTPs but none shared the love I have for Captain Swan. I can see me in twenty years still analyzing the ship and writing fics about them, and watching their scenes and people looking at me like “Why do you watch this old stuff it’s not even 3D!” lol.
But yeahhhhhhhh Season 5 was so promising and gave us a lot but not enough payoff... I liked that Liam was suspicious of Emma and didn’t like her right away but it would have been nice if his storyline wasn’t crumped up in one episode and instead he was given time to... develop, let’s say. I understand he’s a tertiary character connected to a secondary connected to a primary character but STILL you don’t give something so promising and rich and juicy and expect your viewers to not ask for more. Apart from the fact that I hated what they wrote for their backstory, I still find it unnacceptable that Killian and Liam didn’t hug. There should have been at least something, something deeper than a simple handhold as the two separated for what they hope would be decades. My tag for that episode is #where the fuck is my hug.
And Milah, oh, that’s another can of worms... like I know that my expectations for Gold to recognize his mistake were too much but, shit son, that I did not expect. Again, I know, tertiary character blah blah but what the hell! I think the most unrealistic thing in this whole plot was that Killian was perfectly fine with leaving her there! I mean, in 5x21, he was standing inches away from where she was pushed in but the writers seemed to have completely forgotten about that, and it drives me mad. Hades was gone, all I would need was for a few seconds where the Lost Souls were shown to be released from the River - that’s all I wanted. It would be enough, and yet nothing happened and I’m so sad. I know we talk about tragedy and stuff but it still was way too harsh. In my mind it happened, anyway! I can’t imagine Killian looking so relieved and so happy before moving on without making sure that Milah isn’t suffering, so to me it happened.
And like, with Cora, yeah I know that she regretted and if you think that Milah was a pirate for years she wasn’t the sweetest person in the world either but it’s UNFAIR! Milah’s death was unfair, Cora’s death was Snow’s desperate attempt to save herself and her family - something she deeply regretted. And yet- ugh!
Aaaanyway those are just a few of the problems this whole season (and rest of the show!) have had for me and I turned negative, sorry :) It’s just that I hoped they had focused more on these aspects and not leave those stories half-told.
Tell me a bit about A Series of Unfortunate Events! I saw the movie that came out some years ago, and from what I’ve seen the series look cool, if not better. Is it good?
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