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#anyway i'll have to put together an Actual Playlist to post at some point but for now have this

daechwitatamic · 10 months

Note

When did you become ARMY? and has Tae always been your bias?

AH, hello! You'd like my villain origin story, hm?

I guess I'll use a read more because I'm cursed by the inability to EVER shut up.

So back in 2020-2021 someone that I've been friends with for over 10 years and follow on tumblr became army. She was posting tons and tons of giftsets and vids every day as she began to work her way through the content. I didn't pay much attention at first but as the moths passed I somehow eventually started playing a little game with myself called "Is Jungkook in this/Can you find Jungkook" because that was her bias at the time and I only knew his name.

Somehow this expanded to one or two other members (I wanna say Jimin and Joon?) and it was just my private little game with myself when she would post.

I can tell you the exact moment I actually paid attention - she posted gifs of this moment:

I remember DISTINCTLY sitting up like wait, they're actually good/talented???

We got to the point where Dynamite was out and I'll be honest, I didn't really like it and I still don't. But after this moment I thought okay maybe I'm missing something.

So the summer of 2021 I dm'ed her and said, "Hey, want to rec me some BTS songs? My playlist feels stale."

She sent me Mic Drop (steve's version lol), Fake Love, and Truth Untold and I loved all three (they still remain among my top faves!). I asked for a few more. So on it went until I'd listened to the whole discography lol. Eventually she sent me like a list of their discography and I would watch the lyric video that lights up who's singing so I could 1) know what the lyrics were about and 2) kind of learn their voices. If I liked a song when I listened to the lyric video, I threw it in a giant playlist on Spotify. I ended up with uhhhhhhhh a lot of songs lol.

I also watched Run BTS from episode one all the way through during that summer. I watched Bon Voyage 1, 3, and 4 and watched 2 together with her later in the fall.

We went together to PTD LA (I flew from the east coast lol someone save jo) that December and saw Coldtan :')

The following March I started reading and writing ff and made this account :')

Anyway, was Taehyung my first bias - yes!! The first moment I was like "oh THAT ONE" was she had sent me a compilation of Taehyung saying insane shit with a straight face and I got to "that's the eyeliner" and had to pause to collect myself because him!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I also saw a gif from this moment (hi maggie lol) and I remember being like WAIT HOLLUP WHO IS THAT? ONE OF THE MEMBERS LOOKS LIKE THAT? WHO IS IT? and it was cemented. I alsoooooo remember DISTINCTLY losing my shit the first time I listened to Singularity because HIS VOICE!!!!! HIS VOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEEPER THAN THE OCEAN IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO DROWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway ahem we're all normal here.

However it was MAYBE only two weeks after Taehyung claimed me that I dm'ed her again like, "Why does my brain suddenly love Suga?" and she was like "I was waiting for that" and for the majority of my army time I have really considered myself a double-bias, at times feeling like maybe I was a Yoongi-ult but these days the taehyung chokehold is stronger, I'm afraid. At PTD LA Yoongi came to our corner of the stage in a leather jacket during soundcheck and I'm telling u I ascended I was not on this planet anymore i did not breathe air until he was gone again afjheaiufqiughijg

THEN of course Mr. Kim Namjoon had to absolute wreck my shit in the Indigo era and took over my entire existence SIGH.

So, idk. These days I feel like a Tae-ult with Yoongi wrecker and Joon wrecker-wrecker? But ot7 are soooo special and wonderful and amazing, like truly the universe aligned to take these seven more extraordinary humans and put them together!! Like?! they're so special, i love them a lot fr :')

ANYWAY did you learn to never ask me anything because I will talk until I die?! love you anon have a wonderful fridayyyyyyyy <3

#answered #anon #MADE MYSELF HAPPYSAD ON THIS FINE FRIDAY MORNING #I JUST LOVE BANGTAN OKAY #the fact that i couldve answered this anon with 2021 and yes #and instead u got a dissertation i am so sorry

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cmdonovann · 1 year

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Accomplishments! Quantum Break fansite in progress!

(originally posted June 8th, 2023; crossposted from dreamwidth.)

Well, I removed Tumblr from my phone to prevent me from wasting so much time there, which means I now have nowhere to easily and quickly post my inane thoughts (at least not without feeling like I'm bothering people on Discord or in direct messages, though perhaps that's something I should work on). You know what that means! It means I'm probably going to try posting them here instead. Thing I want to post about: I'm making a Quantum Break fansite! I've been wanting to do this for ages, and actually started putting together a couple of little graphics for it during the "Quantum Break Appreciation Month" event I ran on Tumblr in April, but I hadn't made much progress on the project since then... until the past few days, anyway, when I started brainstorming what I actually want to do with the site, how I want to lay it out, and so on. Yesterday I put together some CSS for the site, and today I did The Hard Part: I set up a git/GitHub repo for the site, and got the "deploy to neocities" script working for it, so I can easily and quickly make updates to the site in VSCode, then push from there to GitHub to neocities all at once, like I do with my personal site. Was this an absolute pain to set up? Yes! Somehow, it took me even longer to do it a second time than it did the first! But I did it myself, with a lot of encouragement and rubber duck-ing from a few very helpful people in the Fandom Coders chat. Can't say I'm not proud of myself for that. I would not have had the skill or confidence a year ago to do something like this, especially not all the mucking about I did in the terminal trying to set up the git repo in the first place. Anyway, I am, to put it mildly, extremely fucking excited to continue working on this site. I've got big plans: first order of business is to get an archive set up of all the Quantum Break fanfic I can get my hands on (and get permission from the authors for). After that, I'm probably going to do the same for fanart and image edits like photosets and gifsets from Tumblr, since the CSS page styling for those will likely be similar (though I expect to run into some attribution problems with older Tumblr posts, what with so many deactivated or moved blogs post-2018). Once that's sorted out, I'm considering looking into the best way to archive fanvids, but honestly that might be put off for a while longer, as video hosting and video players are way out of my skill level currently. Maybe I'll import some of my Quantum Break playlists from my personal site, too? Oh yeah, and at some point down the line, I want to make a searchable wiki with transcripts of all the in-game narrative objects. But "searchable" is probably going to be a stumbling point there, and transcribing takes ages, so this will be last priority, I think. Wow, that's... a lot, actually! Damn! This is gonna take a while. Not that I mind spending a couple of years poking at a project, obviously. *Gestures at my longfic that took four years to finish...* I've been neck deep in this fandom for over seven years, what's another five or ten? XP

btw, since it's fairly easy to post images on tumblr (compared to dreamwidth, anyway), here's a screenshot of the section that's currently in progress: the fic archive index!

(ignore my filler text... i usually use karkalicious as my lorem ipsum, so at least i'm not committing THAT particular crime here.)

i'm still futzing around a little with the styling (negative margin my beloathed) but it's coming along pretty well! i've already got a branch where i've started... you know, actually adding fic to the site, but i won't merge that into the main and add a link to the front page until the style problems have been fixed (or at least, fixed enough to be easily navigable on mobile, which... is not the case right now, lolrip).

#quantum break #coding #fansite #dreamwidth #cmdonovann #well that was surprisingly easy! i didn't expect copypaste to preserve the formatting...#also added some commentary #because it's been a couple days since the dreamwidth post #and i've been working on the site since then lol

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rhpsdys · 1 year

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RAEDA SONGS FROM MY RAINE PLAYLIST :

for the full playlist, click here !

JULIET, cavetown — raine pov i wanna make / a color that no one else has seen before / i wanna be so much more / i hope that she / looks at me and thinks, "shit, he is so pretty" / something I can't believe ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ the entire playlist is in chronological order; this song is representative of the earliest stages of their relationship, when they were teenagers && still just friends — all of raine's ambitions mixed with their feelings for eda, && how swept up in her they became

SONGBIRD, fleetwood mac — both pov and the songbirds are singing, / like they know the score / and i love you, i love you, i love you / like never before / and i wish you all the love in the world / but most of all, i wish it from myself ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ this song is from when they're older, but the relationship is still fairly fresh... maybe two years in. i can actually imagine this being one of the songs that they wrote && sang together. totally not inspired by this art at all, nope.

OPHELIA, the lumineers — raine pov oh, ophelia / you've been on my mind girl since the flood / oh, ophelia / heaven help a fool who falls in love ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ this song occurs as things starts to get difficult ; they're still together, but raine is starting to feel doubt about eda's honesty && how long they can sustain this relationship.

WOULD THAT I, hozier — raine pov with the war of the fire / my heart moves to its feet / like the ashes of ash / i saw eyes in the heat / feel it soft and as pure as snow / fell in love with the fire long ago / with each love i could lose / i was never the same / watch it still live in roofs / be consumed by the flame / i was fixed on your hand of gold / lay in waste of my lovin' long ago ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ raine truly loves eda, she's someone they want to fight for, && they have so much admiration for her; this song is evidence of their affection. it's the calm before the storm, as they gather the resolve to make a difficult choice,

NEVER LOVE AN ANCHOR, the crane wives — eda pov on some level, i think i always understood / that a ship could never really love an anchor / so, i did the only thing that i could / and severed the rope to set you sailing from my harbor / ... / and you'll never see the reasons i had / for keeping my claws away when they were close enough to hurt you ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ this song isn't actually about a romantic relationship, but it's also the quintessential breakup song anyway, && it's so very eda. this is her pushing raine away, believing they deserve better && not wanting them to see her at her lowest point, not wanting them to be burdened.

BECAUSE DREAMING COSTS MONEY, MY DEAR, mitski — eda pov darling, play your violin / i know it's what you live for / darling, play your violin / we will manage somehow / don't dare regret anything / remember what you're here for, you / just play your violin / and we will manage somehow ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ the actual breakup — eda's understanding an acceptance of raine's decision, especially knowing that they plan to finally join the bard coven && pursue the music career they'd put on hold for her for so long.

AVALANCHE, leonard cohen (cover by aimee mann) — eda pov i have begun to long for you, / i who have no need / i have begun to wait for you, / i who have no need / you say you've gone away from me, / but I can feel you when you breathe / do not dress in those rags for me / i know you are not poor / you don't love me quite so fiercely now / when you know that you are not sure ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ post!breakup, eda's subsequent regret && bitter understanding.

TALK, hozier — raine pov i won't deny i've got in my mind now all the things we'd do / so i'll try to talk refined for fear that you find out how i'm imaginin' you ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ this could be another diegetic song, in that it's something raine could've written, especially with the earlier lyrics referencing the mythology of orpheus && eurydice. early in the breakup, eda is still on raine's mind a lot, reflective of their immediate regret.

ANGELINE THE BAKER, sam kelley — raine pov angeline the baker would now be 43, / and it's been over 20 years since she said she'd marry me / ... / oh angeline the baker, oh angeline i know / i should've married angeline, oh many years ago ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ a later song, also diegetic. much closer to canon, when eda is in the public eye a lot. raine is reflecting back on that time in their life with more fondness than before ; they miss her, but they do accept it for what it is to be able to talk ( write && sing ) about it openly. raine also had intended to marry eda back then. it was something they'd talked about, but there was never an actual proposal.

IF IT'S TRUE, hadestown — eda pov if it's true what they say / if there's nothing to be done / if it's true that it's too late / and the girl i love is gone / if it's true what they say / is this how the world is? / to be beaten and betrayed and then be told that nothing changes? / it'll always be like this? / if it's true what they say / i'll be on my way ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ set during follies at the coven day parade. eda && raine's confrontation in the alley, when raine has to make eda believe they've completely forgotten about everything && that they don't want anything to do with her.

RULE #2 - MOONLIGHT, fish in a birdcage — raine pov it's good to hear your voice / i'll tell you what the world looks like from up here / there's hurricanes and blizzards too / please stay safe and warm 'til I get to you / all i need is to come home to you / all i want is to be close to you / all i need is to come home to you / all i want is to be with you ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ set after follies at the coven day parade. raine's resolve to keep fighting && protect eda no matter what.

MARRY ME A LITTLE, company (cover by eleri ward) — raine pov you can be my best friend / i can be your right arm / we'll go through a fight or two / no harm, no harm / we'll look not too deep / we'll go not too far / we won't have to give up a thing / we'll stay who we are / right? / okay, then / i'm ready / i'm ready now / ... / marry me a little / body, heart, and soul / passionate as hell / but always in control / want me first and foremost / keep me company / that's the way it ought to be / i'm ready / i'm ready now ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ post-canon. a callback to "angeline the baker" as well. able to settle down together at last, raine is able to finally propose to eda. honestly, this one could be diegetic. it feels like something they'd write, && do in a song.

#and this is less than half the playlist #long post /#headcanon.#& eda.

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athena-is-a-chaotic-lil-shit · 3 years

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Getting back at writing, is, well, hard. My grammar and vocabulary and basically everything is messed up so I apologize in advance for that. It's been, almost a year ever since my last written fic. That time I was still crazy with Kimetsu no Yaiba and the KyoTan ship. I'll post it some other time ^^.

Anyways, I present to you my attempt in making a plotted work from a random thought that came over me this morning.

Pairing: Tai'chi Kashharzol (Orc) x Pearl Blackbell (Human OC/Reader)

Warnings: Basically none. Except for some curse words.

UD 01/10/21: Cleaned and revised some parts! Tried my best, hope it was enough.

•

Of Ice and Blood

Part 1

Quick backstory and some details I left out in the main work.

It was in summer, 28th of July, when Pearl Blackbell turned 19. She left her home and moved closer to the university she’ll be going to. She rented an apartment about five blocks from the school. Albeit small, it was cozy and proper, having what she needed: a kitchen, a decent-sized bedroom, a small living area with a worn but comfy couch, and a bathroom.

When she was younger, her parents started training her in martial arts and the use self-defense weapons. They needed to make sure she knew how to protect herself against assaulters and dangerous people, she was after all, their only child and baby girl . They want their daughter to be strong, both inside and outside, by the time she sets out on her own and leaves home.

Her favorite self-defense weapon was brass knuckles, despite her parents’ protests. She enjoys punching nasty people and feel the crunch of their bones beneath her fists, especially racists, sexists, bullies, and the lot. The main reason why she got into detention multiple times.

Painting it with a ruddy color, she keeps it in her person, no matter where she goes. She has two, one is for extreme situations, while the other has only two knuckles. It stills maximizes the damage dealt but it is relatively less dangerous than the full dusters. The second one is usually a spare, though she rarely uses it.

She also occasionally carries a pair of retractable nunchucks, which she designed to be hidden within her regular baggy clothes. Her father had trained her vigorously with them and she even bested him in a match before she left for the city.

Selkoth, the city of marvels.

Distant sounds of buzzing cars reached my ears as I opened my eyes and blinked away the sleepiness, the light shining from the spaces in my curtains rather helping, together with the warmth it brought to my chilled tawny skin.

[Start of the actual work]

I fully woke up as I registered the sound of my phone alarm, shortly getting up to prepare when I realized what day it was.

Monday, the first day of my college life.

I stepped into the bathroom and took a quick shower, knowing I bathed thoroughly last night to save some time today.

Time management is key.

I dried myself down, turned to my closet and started putting on the outfit I picked out the night before.

Prioritizing comfortability over appearance, I wore my favorite orange cotton shirt, my blackish-blue hoodie (that had been stained with blood some time ago, but don’t worry, I know how to clean out blood. Mama raised no fool.) over it, together with a pair of black skinny jeans. And of course, tight black sports bra and boxers, even mentioning my underwear yes?

I looked over to my mirror and it was—

Simple. And I loved it. The more simple it is the better.

'“Keep a low profile over there, sweetie. Don’t get into fights when you can help it okay??? We already taught you and prepared you to the best of our abilities. Promise to us that you’ll stay safe, and healthy. Okay? And don’t forget to call sometime.”' I sighed, remembering my mother’s words.

"Yes mama, I will.”

With a smile, I did my hair and went for a tight Dutch braid, it going down between my shoulder blades and ending a little above my waist. I ran to my kitchen to eat breakfast, satisfied with my look.

I eat fast okay

Backpack, check. White sneakers, check. Phone and keys, check. Airpods on, playlist shuffled, I bolted out of my apartment and jogged all 50 blocks to school.

Exercise is always important, and what other way to utilize time for exercising than to do it while heading to your destination, right?

I snickered.

As I made my way to the university, I saw bizarre creatures and monsters of different sizes, coexisting, and interacting with humans. Even so, I noticed other people’s disdain and bitterness towards them when I passed by. My nose is awfully sensitive to scents that sometimes the ones their body releases tells me what they feel at the moment. It’s all science, I guess. I was made extra susceptible to these, so I wear a mask everywhere and every time I go out just to partly block most of the smells.

My first day at a university open to everyone across the country gets my blood pumping with excitement. To think that I’m going to study at Ernestine State University, the Ernestine State University!

I first heard about the uni back when I was a child. News broke out about Victor Ernestine, committing suicide by driving his car off a cliff because he couldn’t accept that his daughter was one of the major leaders who made the unity of all people, of all races, possible.

Dramatic.

Months after Mr. Ernestine died, all his properties and riches were passed down to her daughter, who took over as the new founder of the university and rebuilt it to accommodate everyone, no matter the size and shape.

The strictly all-human school, renovated, reshaped, and repurposed, was now the first university to open its gates to everyone in the country of Yundomia.

I’ve always yearned to get to know other species in this world. I didn’t get the chance previously because my parents sent me to an all-human, local high school. Which sucks. I hated how everyone had a certain hatred for the other races, especially orcs. They keep talking about how they are wild beasts and savages that aren’t meant to be in society.

They treated them like animals that are void of emotions and intelligence.

Come to think of it, I mostly fought with humans who were either racist, bullies, bastards trying to hit on me, or a mix of all of them together.

I chuckled, remembering how many times I got counseled on not punching people in the face.

High school was pure torture, being a human-exclusive campus making it worse, considering how everybody smells so horrible and the principal was an egoistic dumbass I was a hair away from gutting him. My poor nose.

But now I’m done with that! I’m starting anew in this school, in this city. Perhaps make some friends along the way.

Which is kinda problematic.

I’m not the social type. I tend to keep things to myself and hardly open up to anybody. I wanna make at least one friend that isn’t human! Or just, one good friend. I didn’t have or made any friends in the past since people tend to shun me out just because I can tell how they are feeling and find it creepy.

Or they’re afraid to get punched in the face.

Entering the campus gates was like stepping into another world. I was met with the sight of humans and monsters walking together and conversing! It was nice, and I don’t get to see this much often.

I walked around and took in the landscape of the campus. It was huge! And beautifully designed to have a great number of trees and plants, while also having space more than enough to accommodate every student going to their respective classrooms.

I was minding my own business and it was all serene, until some bastards pushed past through me and knocking me to the side. I stumbled but didn’t fall. I was gonna say something, but I shut my mouth. I didn’t want to cause any trouble on the first day for goodness’ sake. So I brushed it off and went straight to the gym for the orientation.

*************************************

The orientation was, intriguing. The dean seems nice, though I couldn't smell him from where I sat. There's also a student council made up of both humans and monsters which is a good sign. The student council president was a Minotaur with a dark brown coat and horns curving front and pointing up. The vice-president was a male student who looked decent enough. The secretary was an elf. The treasurer, a dwarf. And the rest were humans. I couldn't scent any of them to tell me what they were feeling at the moment, but the Minotaur looked uncomfortable, his hands behind his back, body going stiff when they were introduced to the freshmen. There was a larger numbr of humans than monsters, which was expected. I also noticed how both were grouped, a white line in the middle of the gym separating us from them.

Maybe to avoid any misunderstandings?

We were informed that today will be for introductions to your classmates and subject teachers so there will be no lessons at all. Hooray!

I was walking to my first classroom when a damned familiar smell attacked my nose. I stopped to stand for a moment and adjusted my mask. I looked around to spot the one emitting it and of course, saw a human. He looked, well, the typical playboy cool boy who used too much body spray on himself.

Not wanting to stand there like an idiot and prolong my suffering, I speed walk to my classroom and planned to sit at the back hoping no one would notice or ask why I’m wearing a mask.

That's always what they ask first. Not my name or how I was doing.

I expected to find no one inside since it was still early, but I was startled to see a massive orc sitting at the back looking out at the window. He was wearing a dark gray knitted sweater that was hugging his hulking frame very…well. Along with what looked like thick cargo pants and black boots.

He turned to look at me when I let out a small yelp, greeting me with his piercing, blue eyes.

Beautiful.

The orc had long, braided, jet-black locks. Two of them had distinct beads that trailed down from the side of his face and down to his chest, the rest of his hair behind him braided with intricacy and tied and ended halfway down his back.

I was pushed out of my trance when a person entered and crashed into me, swearing under my breath that it was intentional, nearly making me plant face-first on the trash bins if I hadn’t changed my footing at the last moment.

“Watch it, bitch, you’re gonna ruin my make-up,” she snapped.

Wow. She dared to call me that and not apologize like I’m the one who shoved her. Just wow. Usually at this point, I would have planted her face on the floor, but I stopped myself.

Low profile! Low profile Pearl! You’re in college now! You definitely don’t want to get suspended on the first fucking day of class now do you?? Keep it together.

Straightening up, I walked towards the back and sat beside the orc. Whose gaze fell on me, curious, when I wasn’t looking.

I made myself settled in my seat before the professor came in.

There were other races in my class. A blue tiefling sat three rows in front, wearing a casual outfit. A black-haired elf who looked and dressed clever, a row away. A cute pink pixie on my far right. A satyr wearing glasses, two seats in front of me, and a female lizardfolk a seat from of the pixie.

"Are you...alright?"

I almost jumped from my seat when the orc beside me spoke. I couldn’t help but admire how deep his voice was. I tried not to appear flustered, my mask helped with that.

“Uh…yes?”

The orc regarded me for a second before continuing.

“You were pushed earlier.”

Oh. He saw that?

“Oh, yeah, I’m okay.” I smiled at him. Then I remembered he can’t see my face. But I hoped the crinkling of my eyes gave it away.

“I’m Pearl, by the way.” I reached out my hand to him, socializing not my best suit but at least I tried.

He paused for a second before taking it into his bigger one, engulfing mine and shook it slowly. I was again, surprised by how gentle he was.

“Tai'chi.”

Interesting.

“Nice to meet you, Tai'chi.”

He lets go of my hand when the professor started talking up front.

“Nice to meet you too, Pearl."

***************************************

Thoughts? I am wide open for constructive criticism :D

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Check pinned post for latest chapter updates💕

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theoriginalladya · 2 years

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Saturday, March, July please and thank you:D

from this list

Thank you, my friend!!!

saturday: what gets you excited whilst writing?

Well, @shadoedseptmbr asked me this too, but there are a number of things that get me excited while writing, so I'll give you another one: PLOT! I am, by nature, a plotter. Nothing gets me going more than having a good story to tell! So whenever I'm writing and I'm laying out pieces of that bigger puzzle - whether it's a very subtle reference or foreshadow to something or a larger, more obvious piece or the characters making a big discovery - anything like that really gets me excited. Most of the time, I really enjoy the writing process as a whole, so laying out the plot like I would put a jigsaw puzzle together is one of the most exciting things for me! :)

march: do you listen to music whilst writing?

You know, that really depends. Most of the time, I listen to music during times that my brain can focus on it - usually while driving or doing other things. That way, my subconscious can pick apart the lyrics or notes and really chew on them so that when I sit down to write, I have them running through my head at the right time to influence the actual writing. Sometimes I do have music going while writing. In the case of May the Road Rise To Meet You, I listened to a Spotify playlist that consisted almost all of Two Steps From Hells songs (instrumental) which were set up in a way to influence the flow of the story to help me get through the writing of it. Akuze is HARD and not a pretty one, but the music really helped get some of the atmosphere at different points and guided me through some of the worst parts.

july: what’s the hottest fic you have written and/or posted if you write smut at all?

Oh gosh, I actually write very little smut at all, though I have done some. Not sure what would qualify as 'hottest', but I've got a couple of things that aren't too bad, I don't think. Funny enough, they mostly revolve around Caleb Shepard! lol

First one is this drabble for a writing prompt: Chasing after someone's lips as they pull away - a kissing prompt that must've been hot because as I recall from @jedirangerpenguin's comment, food fell out of the mouth as the kiss happened. ;) Soooooo... I'm rather proud of that one - especially since it was one of the first kissing scenes I ever wrote for Caleb and Kaidan.

The second one is actually in a fic I did for the MEBB last year - No Rest For the Wicked. It's the first time I actually wrote Caleb and Kaidan sleeping together and while it really stressed me out writing it, I'm very proud of how it turned out and I suppose, compared to much of my other smut writing (very minimal) it probably is 'hot.' (I hope it is, anyway! lol) We'll have to see if that gets any better over time...

#painterofhorizons #fanfic writing meme #ladya writes #thank you for asking!

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whats-rambled-rambled · 3 years

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Long Nights - playlist

You can find it on Spotify here.

Eddie Vedder - Long nights

I’ve already talked about it in another post a bit, so--

For the first time, I had a full series figured out even before I started writing. All the arcs, main plot points, even the final conversation! I even had a 3h long playlist with all the songs that would come in handy along the way, but still, none of them was the one (so basically same thing that happened with Smoke series)

I started thinking about the main theme and/or drive for our new Reader, and then it hit me. There already is a story with that vibe, and it has such an amazing soundtrack.

So I opened Spotify and browsed through the album.

And I found it.

The overall mood was not something that was going to be helpful at the beginning of the series, but oh my, those lyrics were it for all the things I had planned.

//Have no fear

For when I'm alone

I'll be better off than I was before//

That’s R, all right. Not afraid to be alone, she prefers it. Nothing can hurt her, unlike when she gets too invested. Commitment issues and whatnot.

//Long nights allow me to feel...

I'm falling...I am falling

The lights go out

Let me feel

I'm falling

I am falling safely to the ground//

Knowing what I was about to put R through, this looks only fitting, don’t you think?

Chapter 1: Sigrid - Don’t kill my vibe

I could see LN!R so clearly. I wanted to explore some of my favourite rogue tropes, and she was perfect for it. In my head, she was definitely younger than the other two from my previous series. A bold type, a joker, but serious when it comes to her craft. Not with the same heavy emotional baggage (not at the start, at least - I felt like, opposed to Smoke!R who was more about distracting herself when she felt too much, our new R would be more about denial, or hiding her issues behind her jokes).

I found this song on some random playlist, and I knew it was her.

//You shut me down, you like the control

You speak to me like I'm a child

Try to hold it down, I know the answer

I can shake it off and you feel threatened by me

I tried to play it nice but

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't kill my vibe

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't break my stride//

To me, that was that moment she gets dragged into the car. Not having the obvious lies TP feeds her, definitely finding them all and the stuff they throw at her hilarious, calling them out on their bullshit without thinking twice over it.

//Guess you're surprised I'm the puzzle you can't figure out//

That got me an idea for part 2 and the coffee situation - come on, you know I can’t resist that trope when it comes to Neil, I think it’s an excellent way to get to know the characters a little bit and tell something more about the dynamic.

Tom Grennan - I might

To me, it’s another character introduction song.

//Oh I love, oh I love, love my freedom//

....you already know what I’m getting at, right?

//Don't want no one taking up my time

Staying on my mind, changing up my life

Don't want no one messing up my bed

Fucking with my head, it's no lie//

That’s her. R hates to be manipulated, that’s why she’s mad at Mahir. I didn’t want to put all the angst here, but I knew there was something deeper hidden there, after his comment about her trust issues. I didn’t know what exactly, but I knew it would come in handy later.

There was one spin on the story I was playing with - where she actually lets them all lead her on for a while, a whole elaborate ruse to get her invested and onboard, but that was a lot of drama quite early on, and I wanted this to be a lighter series (oh shush, I am well aware how that played out in the end, I tried, alright? Not my fault I apparently can’t come up with a story without sprinkling it with a shitload of angst)

//But when you look at me like that

I might//

See, this is when I stopped. I didn’t think R would be falling head over heels for Neil right from the start. That’s why the heart beating faster at the end of the chapter was supposed to be about the lock and something finally sparking her curiosity, taking her out of the boredom of everyday life.

Kings of Leon - Find me

That’s more chapter-specific.

//I really wanna know your name

See your face, know who you are, who you are

How did ya find me, how did ya find me?

What are you looking for, are you looking for

How did ya find me how did ya find me

Up in the shadow, picking up my load//

I found it quite fitting the moment R meets Neil again and he drags her to a back alley, and then again, in the car. She isn’t scared, more like fascinated, she finds the whole thing exciting, even.

American Authors - I’m born to run

Oh my god, the vibe of this song! This is that need for freedom and carelessness I needed to tap into.

//I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

I'm gonna spend my time like tomorrow won't come

Do whatever I want like I'm born to run

I wanna see Paris, I wanna see Tokyo

I wanna be careless even if I break my bones

I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

All these things I've seen and done

I live my life like I'm born to run//

The Pretty Reckless - Prisoner

Another random song I found one day while I was cooking breakfast. I was like “oooh, I dig that!” and then I listened to the lyrics and I knew I needed it for this story.

//You could have my body

But you can't have me

I know I'm a criminal

Don't you tell on me//

That’s it. Her. I knew that would be handy for the moment Neil breaks after all the teasing. And that criminal bit. I mean - come on!

Missy Elliot - Work it

(This is technically part 2 but it was messing with the flow on the playlist and I’m leaving it here)

Okay, this is quite meta and corny, because this is probably one of the oldest jokes you can find for Tenet, and I’ve been battling with myself if I should even put it here, but I referenced it in the chapter, so here we are. I’ve loved this song for years, and when I was trying to think what would R listen to while she tries to clear her head while she works on the bloody inverted lock - that was the only thing that seemed appropriate.

//Come on

Is it worth it? Let me work it

I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it

Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup i//

...you see what I mean?

Chapter 2: Praise you

God, okay, this song - when I heard it while I was working on the story, it brought a movie-like montage of scenes in front of my eyes. You know the type, when they try to show you how the time passes, how someone progressively becomes better at something. That was Neil, working on those locks. R giving him tips, then teasing him. The way he loses his cool, only to slowly gain confidence, and then how she ups her game, both of them getting their bits of satisfaction from the whole game.

//We've come a long long way together

Through the hard times and the good

I have to celebrate you baby

I have to praise you like I should//

Have I ever told you when exactly I got the idea for the series? When I was writing that hostage situation fic and the moment R remembers her lockpicking sessions. I thought - what if it was the other way around? What if that was Neil who was about to start learning about picking locks?

It had so much potential for ✨hand content✨ and how could I resist?

...And I knew that R would see what I’m seeing, and she would rather like it. And the image of a very flustered Neil while she teases the hell out of him? Yep, yep, yep.

Sam Fender - Start again

This one definitely starts that montage as well, the repetition of going over and over again. Even if the whole song is definitely heavier than I needed, I decided to keep it, mostly for this part:

//Let's start again

Let's learn to talk

Without the fear of being heard

'Cause everybody's listening to everything and everybody

Let's pull the cord

Move below

Let's start again//

Chapter 3: Billy Raffoul - Difficult

Ah, Billy. And when I found this one, I got goosebumps, because I instantly knew that if I had to choose one song for them, it would probably be this one.

//You never get lost in love, you only get lost in me

You never can get enough of whatever you think you need

No matter how hard I try I never can beat this rush

Ain't nobody get me high, feel lighter when we touch//

This fits them so well, innit? We know how R feels about this whole love thing, she enjoys a good shag, and I had a feeling that after such a build-up, that night together would be something quite amazing, for both of them.

//We never get lost in love, we only get lost in sheets

You'd rather just shut me off whenever we get too deep//

That’s the moment when they have a vibe check in the morning. They had fun. Is it gonna affect their dynamic? They’re attracted to each other, they understand one another. Can they keep it casual? We know that R can, or at least she thinks so, but what about Neil? We know he’s a soft idiot, but I specifically imagined a bit younger version of him for this story - he had to be, if he was just learning about lockpicking. So the whole “no dating, just sex” could be fine with him for a while, but would he catch feelings anyway? Probably, yeah. And sooner than later.

//And now I'm standing in the rain

And your hair, it's falling in your face

And I know we're doing the right thing//

Not the rain, but shower, kinda works too, right? And I already knew that the rain would be a pretty important factor a little bit further into the story.

//But I can't help wondering, who will take my place?//

Ouch.

//On and off, difficult

Too in love to let it go

Now, who's gonna hold me like you do?//

The emotions in this bit, dear lord. It’s this high that takes your breath away, sweeps you off your feet, scorches the reality, and leaves no survivors.

That being said, I don’t think they are really in love at this point. They really care for each other, though, that’s where the softness comes from.

//Hmm who's gonna hold you like I do?//

I literally gasped when I heard that last line. Hits right in the heart, just as I like it.

Rhys Lewis - Waking up without you

There’s something in this song that makes it incredibly sexy. It was great for the morning after vibe, where they don’t really have enough of each other yet.

//Skin on skin

We didn't finish what we started

Heart to heart

I'm missing your love//

Keir - Probably

The way it flows? How powerful the chorus is? It’s heavy, hot, and just makes my heart beat faster.

//Colliding were the walls

And I forget where I began

I wish I could remember love//

Holy fuck. It always makes me think of something awakening deep inside R, definitely not ready to be acknowledged at that moment in the story.

//Probably underneath

There's a remedy

Possibly in the air

In the oxygen I breathe

Probably//

And this part is just mind-blowing. There’s this longing there, and if that feeling isn’t perfect for something more steamy, then I don’t know what is.

Dermot Kennedy - Glory

This one just… expands my heart? I don’t know how else to explain it. Especially the chorus. And then when I think of it in the context of the story, I somehow place it in TP’s office, when Neil gets all protective and doesn’t want to risk taking Reader on a mission where something can so easily go wrong, only because he isn’t prepared enough.

//A set of eyes had pinned him

Became his version of a kingdom

She's everything the devil can't be

When she's singing to me "Glory"//

Maybe that’s when he starts to realize that he cares more than he thought.

Rhys Lewis - Living in The City

If the previous song was Neil’s perspective, we’re back to R. Just look at the lyrics:

//I've been living in the city too long

I've been given everything that I've got

Been a sinner and a saint

Crazy, and sane

I've been living in the city too long//

We’re kinda circling back to part 1, that need to skip town, right?

//There's a part of my soul that wants to let go

Wants to just run away

But the rest of my soul says I should stay

I should stay//

And now we’re back when she can say that the mission is not her problem, she did the best she could, and TP can go fuck himself. Is it just that she feels responsible for her student? Or she likes him enough so she has to make sure he succeeds and comes back? Or she sees a friend in need, something to open, and doesn’t think twice about it?

Chapter 4: Bastille - World gone mad

God, do I love this song.

//So this is where we are

It's not where we had wanted to be

If half the world's gone mad

The other half just don't care, you see

You don't want to fuck with us

British to the very last

When it feels like the world's gone mad

And there's nothing you can do about it

No there's nothing you can do about it//

It felt so accurate for the part when R gets to see all that inverted reality? There’s a slight heaviness of heart there, and it matches the mood when she feels overwhelmed. On the other hand, there’s a bit of hope, the feeling of not being alone in this mad world, and that’s all that matters.

Who’s Molly - Touch the sky

Badass. Pure and simple. It hypes you up, brings a smile to your face, makes you believe everything is possible.

//We can never see beyond that horizon.

And no one knows this road and where it's going to lead.

But there's one thing, one thing that's for certain.

We'll make it through.

If you were here with me.//

That softer bit with inverted guns. And later on, throughout the chapter. They both find comfort in each other’s presence on the mission, after all.

//I wasted so much time trying to find a meaning.

I never looked up, couldn't seem to turn around.

And then you crashed in, and you gave my life a reason.

You pick me up, so high and my feet won't touch the ground, no no no.

Never would have thought I could win this battle.

I was left for dead, every hope in tatters.

We're going to set the world alight tonight.

Cause we can touch the sky!//

That’s the excitement and fun they’re having on the training grounds, not at all stressed about what’s to come.

//Close your eyes, free your soul.

You feel it, don't try it, then you’ll never know.//

Ah, and we’re here at my favourite reference to feeling something, thank you Mr Nolan, sir, so useful.😌

Dermot Kennedy - Young & free

Another one by Dermot Kennedy, and definitely not the last.

//All that she said to me stays with me, never to die

Held me brand new in the silence that went through the pines

Like I said already darling, I don't want you looking back at all the ghosts left behind

Know you'll stay near me so road remains hopeful this time

We were young

We were free, come on now, let it go//

The little whiplash in the mud, where they share a short moment, before they follow with the crackheadery, maybe partly to push back from coming close to something more meaningful. Because it’s there already, kindling, waiting to be spotted and recognized.

James Gillespie - Don’t let me get me

Okay, so - the original song by P!nk was always something that resonated with me, so when Spotify recommended that one, I was like “okay, I’m not sure why but let’s try it.” And then it brought me to that scene in the container.

//I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating//

To be honest, I didn’t plan on R to have such a strong case of a mean brain. It was supposed to be a lighter series 🙃. But as you already know, those characters have minds of their own, and it kinda sorta happened. I knew it would be more of a simple panic than full-blown panic attacks that haunted StuckIn!R, topped with pretty loud intrusive thoughts causing her to spiral, especially when she was exhausted.

Ruelle - Oh my my

Listen to that one and tell me you don’t want to go on a sneaky mission, I dare you. I even had it noted as my title song, but then I switched to Bastille.

//I can feel it in my bones, in my bones

Hear it rumble like a drum, like a drum

Like a vapor in the wind, in the wind

You never see us creeping in, creeping in

Oh my my, oh my my

You never stood a chance

...

Ready or not, here we come//

The vibe is just amazing. The low-key hype? Is that a thing? It must be. And those drums! Even quite fitting for a patter of rain, one might argue.

Speaking of rain--

Chapter 5: Dermot Kennedy - After rain

The title alone is perfect for this chapter, but the rest of it - my poor heart. This chapter and the finale have some of the most beautiful and/or heart-wrenching songs I’ve ever heard, and this one is definitely one of them.

//But it's alright because

You cause lanterns to light

And force demons disperse

And if Lucifer may fear the swift drying of tears

Then, for evil, you could not be worse

But I see you now, yeah, I see you

And release me now, kinda like dreams do

And I see you now, was hard to see you

Just don't forget to sing

Remember everything//

So we have Neil storming off from the bathroom because he’s clearly going through something. The immense guilt brewing inside him, overflowing and backfiring, when he can’t cope with seeing her so battered, knowing that she may never fully recover, and just because he hesitated out there. The fear is there, but also other feelings he tries to keep in check now.

I had that image of R asking him to stay, then just breaking down in the darkness. I was aware it would only add to the issues Neil already had, but it would be nothing compared to the fact that she needs him, and he’d be ready to push everything that bothered him away to comfort her.

Humming a lullaby that he promised her in the container. And R recognized it (kind of), because he used parts of it to plead with her to stay with him after the fall, so she could one day hear the whole thing, because she took that rain check and she needed to cash it in, right?

...yeah, I like breaking my own heart, why? (should I write that part one day?)

//If you think just maybe it's her

Then promise me, young man, you're gonna let her know

You won't go lonely, yeah

It'll all be better in the morning

'Cause while you sleep, I'll build a wall//

Aquillo - Six feet over ground

Whenever I hear this song now, my mind goes to that scene in the bathroom.

//Today's the day I found myself alright

When I look ahead, pretend it never came.

I found a way to keep my head above

But the hardest part is to say 'No it's not'

Well I'm okay, and I'm still breathing

I'm still six feet over ground

But you don't need to know now

You don't need to know how I'm doing//

They both hide how they really feel. That they are not okay. They’re both scared, blaming themselves. Reader doesn’t want to worry Neil too much, but she also tries to convince herself that she is fine. And a moment of peace they share shatters as soon as she downplays what happened aloud, and when Neil goes off, she hides behind yet another joke, and then behind a blindfold.

Aquilo - Silhouette

The one for when R tells Neil goodnight and then can’t fall asleep. //Devil's on your shoulder

Strangers in your head

As if you don't remember

As if you can forget

It's only been a moment

It's only been a lifetime

But tonight you're a stranger

Some silhouette //

When he comes to check in on her, and something feels off. She’s lost, yet finds enough strength to ask him to stay.

//Just hold me//

Nathan Ball - Drifting

//I can see in your eyes

When you lie awake at night

You convince yourself you're fine, it's alright

To keep on drifting

With the drugs keeping you high

They catch you falling from the sky

I keep asking myself why

You stand by

And keep on drifting

…

So tell me what you hold inside

Tell the backstreets of your mind

You're still lonely as a child

Teary eyed

Kept on drifting//

Knowing our Reader a bit longer by now, I knew what would happen if she was to be left alone with her thoughts, in pain, and with Neil being weirdly distant.

Have you ever lied in bed, crying silently, trying not to wake up the person next to you but getting absolutely torn apart by the sadness roaring inside you? It’s a different kind of loneliness, not helping in the slightest when you’re biting back sobs. Anyway,--

//So take my hand and hold on

Take my hand don't let go//

That’s something that happened almost organically with these two. Part of their language, hand touches as a sign of support.

I gotta admit, I watched Shadow and Bone already being in the middle of writing the series and seeing how overused the hand-holding flashback was... it there made me slightly cringe every time it came up in the story I was writing later on. On the other hand (hah), it was so them. It had to stay.

Dean Lewis - Need you now - Acoustic

//Cold light wakes me in the morning,

Your side is empty I was calling out to you,

I was calling out to you.//

That’s the next day after R’s breakdown, but check out the next lyrics.

//But I don't need your love,

I just need your

Talking next to me when I wake up, wake up

Talking next to me when I wake up next to you,

When I'm hungover too.

Cause you're the only one who comes when I'm lonely,

You're the only one who comes when I'm lonely for you,

When I'm lonely for you.

All that I need is a sweet escape,

And all that I need is a sweet escape.

...

Cause I don't need your love

But I just need you now

And I don't need your love

I just need you now//

This, y’all, is R, still convinced that it’s not about love, and it’s so perfectly put into words, but the music and the vocals are dripping with longing, making it even more spot-on for the occasion.

RHODES - Breathe

The emotions captured in this… holy shit. They clench my chest and make me struggle for breath. This could have been a song playing in the background when R wakes up from a nap to Neil having a breakdown of his own.

//Mind break in two,

There's a light in the sky, there's a light

And it's all for you

Dawn colors all

Tell me how do you feel?

Tell me how do you need to heal?//

Looking for his hand, only to find a clenched fist. And when she realizes he’s been crying and she hears how broken he is, that’s enough to make her heart shatter, doubly so because he’s agonizing over something she feels responsible for.

//Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I'll keep you warm

Come on!

Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I need your love

Come on now!//

To me, every “come on”, repeated with urgency, is how desperate she is to make him stop spiraling down when she kisses him, and then again, more purposefully, until he gives in and comes back to her.

Circa Waves - Fire that burns - Acoustic

The one for ✨the moment✨.

//Comfort me, oh comfort me

I'm lighting up

To see the day you run for me

You run for me, my love//

Because they both seek comfort in the act, two broken people mending whole in each other’s embrace. Ultimately, finding there something more, whether they are ready to acknowledge it or not.

//But I've been tied up

For days

And I've been thinking of the things that you say

And I've been wound up

Each way

I need to let you know, to let you know today//

Neil already knows how important she is to him. And that’s what he tries to say between the choked-out words, that he thought he’d lost his chance to tell her how much she means to him.

//You call me a liar

You call me so innocent

But you lit the fire

You lit the fire that burns

The fire that burns inside us

I'm not innocent

I lit the fire, the fire, the fire

I lit the fire//

Oh yes, that bit definitely seeped into the chapter.

The XCERTS - Feels like falling in love - alternative version

//Keep yourself safe, keep yourself safe she said

You broke your own heart but there's no need to lose your head

Keep yourself sane, keep yourself sane he said

You gotta give up, give up, give up the dark

To start again//

You can see it, right?

Outlining the whole story, I knew that part 5 would be the part when they fall in love, or realize that they already might be.

//And it feels like falling in, falling in love

Yeah it feels like falling in, falling in, falling in love

Could save me tonight//

The 1975 - Fallingforyou

//According to your heart

My place is not deliberate

Feeling of your arms

I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck

Don't you see me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

And don't you need me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

On this night, and in this light

I think I'm falling (I think I'm falling), I'm falling for you

And maybe you, change your mind//

They’re so vulnerable there. Everything Neil pours into the act sweeps R off her feet and she opens up and to let him feel the extent of how much she cares for him, unaware that it might be shifting into something from the territory she promised herself not to venture into. Because that’s not important then. Nothing else is. Just them. So simple.

Adam French - Weightless

The light and softness in this song remind me of another Weightless I used for the finale of the Smoke series.

That’s the moment after. Softness. Closeness. Bliss.

//I told ya that you were the only weight on my shoulders

You see you're gonna make it alright

How you're gonna make it alright

When you're gonna make it alright, alright, alright

You say your body will

Hold me in the night

...

Only you can make me weightless

...

Closer is all I ever wanted to be

There for ya so you can be confiding in me

There to break the fall

Here for everybody to see

Weightless after all//

Chapter 6: Declan J Donovan - Perfectly imperfect

I had the moment they fall in love. I knew how it was gonna end, the conversation with Mahir and how it goes from there. I thought that we need some calm before the storm that was bound to happen, and what’s better than a little domestic fluff? A time when they can see each other in a different setting, get to know one another even better. Fall even harder.

And my god, this song.

//You live like you're a secret

One that only I could know

'Cause I said

You know what I want and

I know who you are

I know when I hold you and love you

You'll get up and go before you fall apart//

...that last line hits different when you know what’s gonna happen later, right?

//I'll bring you every colour that I find

In your eyes

You wake me up

And it breaks my heart

That you're perfectly imperfect

You're hurting but you're worth it

You don't know why

I would waste my time

But I'm falling and I mean it

I want you like I need it

There's nothing you could try to change my mind

'Cause I'm in love

So call me when you want me and I'll come running

Find me waiting at your door

So tell me if you're lonely and it won't last long

'Cause I'm in love with you (you)//

That light when the song gets to the part about being in love -- there’s so much tenderness there, and it resonated with the story so much. And the perfectly imperfect line, so so good.

Bastille - Survivin’

The way the song swings and the hopeful vibe is just what I needed for this chapter.

//And I'm not gonna lie

Say I've been alright

'Cause it feels like I've been living upside down

What can I say? I'm survivin'

Crawling out these sheets to see another day

What can I say? I'm survivin'

And I'm gonna be fine

I'm gonna be fine

I think I'll be fine//

As much as Reader didn’t want Neil to be there with her for so long, she really enjoys his company, making the boring and still rather painful recovery period easier.

Ella Henderson, Tom Grennan - Let’s go home together - stripped

Ha, this one! The humour when they tease other words always brings a smile to my face. That playfulness just fits our duo’s dynamic so well.

//Maybe you'll like me the way I am//

Crazy concept, right? And with Neil learning to spot the times when she hides behind a joke, and still being there--

//Feels like I know you so well

You could be everything that I've been missing

I'm coming out of my shell

And I never do that

How did you do that?

It's like I've known you my whole life//

That’s exactly how she feels like. She intently doesn’t think about it though, because if she starts overthinking it… we know what happens. She’s allowing herself to be in the moment, however. And happy.

//You seem like someone I could be myself with, no defenses

Maybe you like me the way I am//

That brings me to all Neil’s animated rants, and how much he appreciates that she always listens. He feels accepted, and I don’t know, it melts my heart a little.

//Baby, I'm in love//

🙃

INXS - Need you tonight

I know I used a cover of this song for another playlist, but the vibe was so different, and you just have to bear with me. It’s one of those songs that sparks the ideas and images, and usually, they involve Neil being a tease and having way too much fun. And as I was plotting the chapter, I thought of R missing out on his shenanigans, and how he could make her see what he was doing, and 😳 oh my. I knew the imagination would run wild. (That definitely might have something to do with a certain scene from a certain movie and a conversation I had with M about how Neil would handle it)

//So slide over here and give me a moment

Your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know

You're one of my kind

I need you tonight

'Cause I'm not sleepin'

There's somethin' about you, girl

That makes me sweat//

That’s one sexy song, don’t judge me.

Dermot Kennedy - Days like this

Oh, would you look at that, it’s Dermot again! This one is for that scene on the balcony.

That quiet contentment, like everything fell in its place and life is alright.

//When it's not always raining, there'll be days like this

When there's no one complaining, there'll be days like this

When everything falls into place, like the flick of a switch

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this

When you don't need to worry, there'll be days like this

When no one's in a hurry, there'll be days like this

When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this//

They’re in the moment, comfortable in the relationship that blooms between them. More casual and laid-back throughout the day only to get more soft and intimate in the evenings, when the inner demons’ voices grow louder.

James Bay - Chew on my heart - acoustic

The way the chorus explodes? It makes me beam widely and my heart is about to burst.

//Take your time

I'll be right here

I know no one could ever love me better

Take all night

You're the truth that

Is breaking me and keeping me together

Together

I wanna be in your touch

Sleep is so tough

You're burning up my mind

What would it feel like if you tore me apart?

Come on chew on my heart

...

I'm on fire

I'm a hot mess

I'm thinking things that I might start regretting

So hear me out

I need you now

I'm spiraling

I'm sinking down

Look for me I'm sending up a message

A message//

I think it weirdly fits those times at night when Neil checks the bruises. When their minds wander to that first evening, and they still feel bad about how it ended up, the closeness brings them back to the present and grounds them.

Picture This - Unconditional

This one just makes my heart sing.

//This magic, I don't know what it is but we have it

Even when we're sleepless and damaged

I don't doubt it

We're holding on//

That’s exactly it.

//Baby I wish we could take this feeling

And put it away somewhere safe

'Til we need it

Unconditional

I'm so afraid of losing your love//

They don’t need big words. But they feel it, all right. Whether they are aware of it or not. And they are afraid of losing each other, now that they know how easily that could happen.

//Shivers running down my back with your fingers

The smell of your perfume it lingers

And whispers

What I want you to say

Under your skin, underdressed under covers

We bring out the best in each other

Two lovers finding our way//

The kiss, the touch, the skin on skin contact - some of the most powerful reminders that, for now, they’re safe.

BANNERS - Start a riot

But it’s not always about going all the way, because sometimes you just need to be held. And this song just speaks to me of all that tenderness, all the feelings clenching the heart so much they’re unable to say a word, just want to keep each other as close as they can. Just to make sure they’re really there.

//I will march down an empty street like a ship into the storm

No surrender, no retreat

I will tear down every wall

Just to keep you warm

Just to bring you home

I will burn this city down for a diamond in the dust

I will keep you safe and sound when there's no one left to trust

Will you take my hand?

We can make our stand

If your world falls apart

I'd start a riot

If night falls in your heart

I'd light the fire

In the dark, when you sound the alarm

We'll find each other's arms

For your love, all you are

I'd start a riot//

The lyrics are so beautiful, and there’s so much longing there, and the promise to protect each other, to be there for each other, to face whatever life might throw their way together.

Yeah, it makes me emotional, I absolutely love it. Speaking of emotional--

Chapter 7: Stone Sour - Wicked game - acoustic, live

When Spotify recommended this one to me, I almost skipped it. I’ve heard it a million times in different versions and I thought that there’s nothing to be found there. Oh, was I wrong.

I knew what was going to happen in the chapter - Mahir is about to confront R, surprised by what he sees. And he can clearly recognize that they’re idiots in love, even if they’re trying to lay low in the company. He knows what happened to R, why she’s so cautious and reluctant when it comes to any relationships that are more than simple hookups.

//The world was on fire and no one could save me but you

It's strange what desire will make foolish people do

And I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you//

Because that’s how it started, right? With desire. One could argue that our duo had solid banter before that, respect and understanding, all those things, sure. But ultimately, that was all that sexual tension, sparked by the playful teasing, that pushed them into each other’s arms in the first place.

//No, I don't want to fall in love

With you, with you

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way

What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you//

And when Reader finally lets the thought in and it dawns on her that she is, in fact, in love - she goes into full panic. Not because she feels it’s unrequited, god, she’s not stupid, nor blind (too soon?). But she’s mad at herself that she allowed this to happen. She’s afraid that she’ll get hurt, and to avoid that, she has to run away. And that’s gonna hurt Neil as well, and she can’t stand that, hates herself for that, but she’s so scared that she can’t think of any other solution.

Before we get to that, however, there’s a bit more softness to be shared.

Lewis Watson - Little light

//And all this shade is, illuminating

And all those love lines, are taking shape

And all my worries, disintegrating

And I've been waiting, I've been waiting

And all my days were young and wasted

When I was waiting, oh for you

And all the plans that I've been chasing are always fading

But ever since I found you

A little light is breaking through//

Gotta admit, I had this one hidden in the playlists of other chapters, because it captures that feeling when your chest is filled with light and you’re simply happy. It ended up here, because it’s this feeling when R is melting a little inside when she looks at Neil, when she’s in his arms. And how Neil feels, too.

X Ambassadors - Renegades

Funny, I had this song for both times the team appears in the story. There’s this sense of camaraderie to it that I wanted to capture, when you’re with a bunch of people who are like family to you. You can tease them all you want, but at the same time you’d go into battle with them, knowing that you can count on them to have your six.

//Long live the pioneers

Rebels and mutineers

Go forth and have no fear

Come close and lend an ear

…

All hail the underdogs

All hail the new kids

All hail the outlaws

Spielbergs and Kubricks

It's our time to make a move

It's our time to make amends

It's our time to break the rules

Let's begin//

I wanted R to have a taste of that. To let her know that she’s appreciated for helping with the mission. To get to know them all better, and to make amends with TP, of sorts.

I didn’t want to make his motivation clear. He wouldn’t tell her that he knows how the story ends. That he can’t help that, deep down, irrationally, he made her responsible for it. Even if she’s not the one to blame. (And I don’t believe he let’s that happen, in the end, because that’s too much angst, even for me - again, fuck you, Mr Nolan, sir)

Corey Taylor, Dave Grohl, Rick Nielsen, Scott Reeder - From can to can’t

Christ almighty, this one is so raw! The emotional progression in here just blows my mind.

//Under the water

It's cold and it's grey

My torrid autumn

Another season decays

Open up the Hollow

And my walls come down

I tell you it's a problem

Just when no one's around

But then

I know what's wrong

God, you complicated everything

I know you're gone, gone, gone

This is where I will draw my line

I will draw my line//

To me, it’s the scene with R having a breakdown in the bathroom, and then somehow finding the solution. She has a plan, and enough strength and determination to pull through, at least for a moment.

Chapter 8: Dan Owen - Hideaway

I found this song by accident, and I almost screamed at how perfect it is for the finale (and then screamed for the second time when my dearest friend @connie-nikas casually sent me this exact song one day saying that it sounds like something I’d enjoy). The intensity just tears your heart out and makes you struggle to draw a breath, there’s something desperate to it, and I knew that it would be my go-to song for the part where R sleeps with Neil, trying one last time to drown all the pain and sorrow in his closeness.

I could just paste all the lyrics, to be honest, because that’s exactly what’s happening in the scene.

//It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head

And it's a slow cry out

When you've got so many tears you could die

And it's a long time to wait

When you take all my tears away//

Oh, she’s on the verge of tears, all right. Knowing quite well that as soon as Neil picks on them, he’s gonna stop to make sure she’s okay. That once he starts asking questions, she’s gonna fall into pieces, unable to lie to him.

//My body is colder

Time is frozen

All these feelings have poisoned my soul

And in silence no I can't stand it

Please break these chains and hell I can

Hideaway//

She’s scared that if she’s left alone with her thoughts, they will break her and make her stay. What she fears most (besides that she’s gonna end up betrayed, alone and heartbroken) is how Neil’s gonna react to her actions. The last thing she wants is to hurt him. She just hopes that maybe if she leaves now, it’s not gonna be as painful as it would be if she stayed a bit longer. That maybe he’s not fallen in too deep.

//You're my one way out

And my tears won't save me now

Save me now

I can't stand it

All this loneliness I feel

I can't do this alone

I need someone to remind my feelings

That I've fallen down by the door

It's a long way down and my tears won't save me now

It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head//

Macy Gray - I try

One of the first songs that came to my mind when I was composing the playlist for the series. It may be a tad too upbeat for my liking, hah, but parts of the lyrics are spot on, and it had to be there.

//I try to say goodbye and I choke (Yeah)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke (Yeah!)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near//

It makes me think of the time when they’re in the car. She’s going over the plan, kinda skipping the moment she’d have to say goodbye to Neil. That’s the unbearable part. And when he asks an innocent question and touches her, she crumbles and jokes. Partly to distract him from prodding further, but mostly to distract herself. I didn’t plan on them getting all worked up there, it...happened, but I figured it made for a decent ground for what was about to go down in the hotel room.

Belle Mt. - Hollow - acoustic

//She told me she was hollow

That's far from what I see//

That feeling you get when everything is too much and it leaves you hollow because you can’t take it anymore. A safety mechanism of sorts. It kicks in with Reader, and of course, Neil can sense that something is off. He hopes it’s just her being tired, he knows how she feels after spending too much time with people.

//I told her she was special

She almost let me in

But she couldn't bear the thought of digging up the heart that she's been burying//

We already know it. The thing is - Neil doesn’t. They haven’t really talked about it. Well, they did after the first night, but with all the things that happened later… and with how much affection she shows him? He doesn’t have a reason to suspect something this big.

//Lonely is her favourite

If only I could change it

If I could only save her

But sometimes she's lost, sometimes she's broken

Sometimes she's closed, sometimes she's open

Sometimes she's stone-cold, times she's on fire

Mostly she's everything I desire

Lonely is her favourite place to be//

Galleaux - Tether me

I had it on repeat when I was writing that part when R collapses in Neil’s arms when they’re in bed. Did I mention that I didn’t want Reader to be this emotional in the first part of the chapter? I thought she’d be more distant. Numb, even, here and there slipping up but holding it together until the very end. And then she does that. But it was Neil’s reaction that left me all 🥺. Not only me, apparently, because she let out so much there. I think my heart broke a little when she gave me that make love to me/love me/ never let me go part.

//In this space, do I belong?

It's dark out here in my own thoughts

Pull me back, out of my body

I'm tied to my limbs

They're spinning me out of control

Tether me//

And the way the music builds up only to blow up at 3:11, heavens, and those vocals! It just takes my breath away, fits so well there.

Nothing But Thieves - Lover, please stay

There can’t be a series playlist without Nothing But Thieves! And it’s another song Chels sent me. The way it broke me-- bloody hell. It’s that gentle guitar, it’s the raw emotions in the vocals, and those lyrics! It rips my heart out, in the best way possible.

It’s for that part where Neil falls asleep and R breaks down, fully realizing what she is about to do.

//Lover, I know you're weary

Eyes are tired from the night

Lover, come to the kitchen floor

Tiles are cold, so am I//

You bet your ass she’s having flashbacks to those moments on the cold tiles, but in her bathroom.

//Lover, I feel your sorrow pouring out of your skin

And I don't wanna be alone

If I am tonight, I'll always be//

Lonely might be her favourite place to be, but losing Neil by her own decision hurts more than she thought possible.

//So take from me what you want, what you need

Take from me whatever you want, whatever you need

But lover, please stay with me, oh//

You know what’s the worst, though? As if that scene was not heartbreaking enough, my brain decided to remind me how much it parallels part 7 from Stuck in reverse. Yep. ✨Pain.✨

Foo Fighters - Home

When she walks to her apartment. Crying. Broken. Missing him already.

//Wish I were with you

But I couldn't stay

Every direction

Leads me away

Pray for tomorrow

But for today

All I want is to be home//

About to leave for good.

This is the bit that prompted the final conversation. What even is home to her? Living the way she does, it never was something important. I struggled with that idea, I thought it’s too sweet. But Neil, the stubborn ass that he is, didn’t want to give me anything else, so it stayed - and in the end, I’m happy that it did.

BANKS - Someone new

Okay, this one is perfect with its sadness and longing, but it’s a hit and miss when it comes to lyrics. Take a look -

//I can love you desperately

Though your love ain't guaranteed

Oh, I wish you knew the deal

Gotta learn from far away

And I simply needed space

Space for me to be

And I think you need it too

Though I know you call me selfish for assuming

I did this for you too//

This, this, all of this! You see it, right?

//Everything I do, I'm gonna think of you

Don't know what else to do//

Well, one could argue that they could just talk it through without all the drama, but hey, where’s the fun in that? And running away really seems like the best option to R.

//And please don't fall in love with someone new

I promise one day I'll come back for you//

And here it’s off because I don’t think she plans on going back. So she wouldn’t want him to not fall in love with someone else, because why would she? He deserves to be happy.

//Oh, you say you hate me now and you burn me with your words

Calling me a fool

Saying that I've fucked up everything

And you'll never forgive me//

See, I have a few options for what to do when Neil finds her at the riverside. I knew one thing though - it would never be a full-blown argument and accusations. At first (and when I say first I mean before I actually started writing chapter 1, because I already had the last scene plotted out by then), I thought Neil would be calm, with a kind of “I know you love me too, silly, so what on earth are you doing?” vibe to him, to R’s annoyance. Then, the story became heavier, and I knew Neil would be worried. Lost. Confused. But never to the point of losing his temper, not after that one time in the bathroom. And that’s what happens in that scene. He doesn’t know what to do as he tries to make some sense out of it all.

Agnes Obel - Riverside

//Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep

And I don't know why I go the way

Down by the riverside//

As I mentioned, I knew what I wanted for the final confrontation from the start. That’s why I tried to make that river quite important for both of them, weaving it into the story here and there. That’s why they instinctively go there.

Billy Raffoul - Dark four door

There’s this sad acceptance in this song that just breaks my heart. It makes me think about the moment when Neil wakes up and sees that she’s gone. How he doesn’t know what’s going on, and how his mind slowly connects all the things that felt strange, but he’s unwilling to accept it until he checks Reader’s place. And much it costs him to keep it together when he sees that the bag is gone.

//You got up, you felt you should

I keep trying to myself I would've done the same had I could

I never thought that you would//

Chris Cornell - Before we disappear

Whenever I hear this song, I think of Neil standing there with Reader, hurt, trying to understand what went wrong.

//So how hard can it be to share your life with me?

How hard can it be to rise with me each morning?//

Dermot Kennedy - A closeness

The last one by Dermot. If that isn’t their conversation--

//Keeping her bright eyes focused on the coastline, waiting for you

Isn't she all of us pining for that last kiss

A permanent truth, a means to get through//

Why does she stay up for so long in their spot? Does she subconsciously count on him to show up? Unable to let go, once and for all?

//Deep into the night, eyes closing

Heart swollen with my loving for you

A solid embrace, kind face

And then the hurt starts leaving the room, followed by goons

Sometimes it's open wide and lights the road at night

You've got a heart like the moon

Gather courage, if you're doing something, do it

'Cause she got to go soon//

And when Neil sees her, he wants nothing more than to hug her, he’s so relieved. But then she snaps at him, and he can’t believe that she’d actually think that he planted a bug on her to track her. It’s another wound he didn’t expect, but he waits for her to explain her actions before he lets out how much it all affected him.

Ryan McMullan - Outcry

I was close to making this one a title song for the chapter because as Hideaway sounds like it was written for the time they make love, this one is for the time Neil asks why she left.

//You came a long way to see me

So don't you run off, baby stop pretending that you're fine

What's the point that you're making

Tell me what it is that's going 'round inside your mind

If in doubt, don't fake it

I have known you long enough to know that you can't lie

If you're in love don't be ashamed of it

'Cause even angels fall for demons//

God, of course he saw that she wasn’t alright that night, but she seemed so sure about what she needed that moment that he decided not to push her - they had all the time in the world, he could ask her about it in the morning, right?

And Neil knows when she’s hiding behind jokes. That’s why he doesn’t want to play her game when she deflects what he says about the way she was in bed. He wants her to be honest. Especially since he knows what he saw in her eyes, in her actions, when they were together, and he’s sure it all must have meant something to her.

//I've heard stories, but they're jaded

So give me something more

I only know what I've been told

But I can tell that you're frustrated

And I won't ever pry, I'll only be a hand to hold

If you tell me you're hurting

I'm hurting too, yeah

Don't tell me you're fine - unless you're fine

I'll wait for the outcry

Whenever there is something weighing on your mind//

And Neil knows he can’t pressure her, that’s why he just stands with her and waits. Sweeping his mind over and over again for anything that could have prompted this whole mess.

//If you feel like leaving

Then maybe it's for the best

Or if you feel like you've given in

Oh, give yourself a chance

If you feel like crying

Oh please don't hold it in

If you feel like reaching out oh

Let me in//

His heart is aching when he hears her reason why she feels like she has to leave. That’s when he touches her. To pull her back from her head to something real. To remind her that nothing has changed. That he’s there, and not going to let her go that easily. That he loves her, because he needs her to hear it, so she knows for sure. And when she tears up, there’s only one desperate plea in his mind.

Gavin James - Hard to do

One heavy hitter after another, and this is another killer. The longing in Gavin’s voice clenches your chest and you just want to hide in somebody’s arms.

//Oh, I've been thinking that I don't wanna leave

This house isn't home to me

I'm tired of losing everyone I see

Now that you're here, it's a hard thing to do

Trying to hold on//

Does she really want to leave? She feels she has to, but god, if only she knew for sure her heart is safe, she would stay with him forever. The problem with life is - you can never be so sure. And when Neil shows up… it takes everything, even unreasonable anger, to keep her together.

//Maybe I don't believe that I don't wanna run

But two hearts are better than one

You say you'll stick around but I'll be gone

Oh, I'll be gone

It's a hard thing to do, trying to hold on//

Reader knows that it’s gonna be nearly impossible to walk away now. And she’s afraid.

//Oh, but I need you

Far more than I ever want you

It's such an unnatural thing we do

When falling in love's just so hard to do

Hard to do//

She can’t bring herself to look at him after she tells him what’s going on with her. But when Neil touches her and takes her hand, she can’t keep it inside anymore. Then he tells her that he loves her, and everything floods her at once. Fear. Guilt. Love. All that combined with his simple plea is enough to finally make her give in.

Damien Rice - I don’t want to change you

I had it on repeat since the moment Neil touched her. The softness of what happens there, melting the barriers once and for all.

//Wherever you are

You know that I adore you

No matter how far

Well, I can go before you

And if ever you need someone

Well, not that you need helping

But if ever you want someone

Know that I am willing//

He’s there for her. Always has been, always will be.

//Oh, and I don't want to change you

I don't want to change you

I don't want to change your mind//

Here. I think that’s what is really important about them and their relationship.

//I've never been with anyone

In the way I've been with you

But if love is not for fun

Then it's doomed

'Cause water races

Water races down the waterfalls//

Lucy Spraggan - Run

Ha, this kinda feels like an end-credits song, don’t you think?

//I just to run to the end of the world

Just to see if it's possible

I don't care what I've been told

I want to run to the end of the world

I'm going to run,run,run

Bye bye problems

Run 'til the road hits the sea

You better run,run,run

If you want to be free//

Granted, she didn’t run off without Neil, but found a way to run with him instead. There’s that heart-bursting light and freedom in this song, I think it captures that happiness they found, working it all out in the end.

//I wanna feel invincible

One more mile out of principle

I want to see the whole damn world

One cross road can change it all//

Travelling the world. Doing what they like most. Together.

------

Quite a journey that was.

Thank you all for taking it with me.

#long nights #long nights playlist #bts long nights

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megarywrites · 3 years

Note

1, 2, 6 and 8 :)

thanks! <3

1) do you know how you want the story to end when you start, or are you just stumbling through the figurative wilderness hoping to find a road?

Generally, I do! I consider myself on the plotter side of a plantser when it comes to writing, So I have a general idea of the major plot points and a lot of what happens in between, but there can be a bit of wiggle room. With Seafoam, I had the original idea for the story in like 2019, but it went through several mental overhauls as I ironed out the plot and figured out exactly what I wanted from the world-building and story. That being said, once I actually started writing, the characters do...do their own thing, so I have to make room for that in the story, as long as it stays in line with what I planned

if that makes any sense lol

2) talk about a notable time a narrative or character has looked you dead in the eyes and said “fuck your plan, here’s what we’re actually doing.”

my girl, the love of my life Onora lol she was originally a one-off character in my book series (that I've had on the back burner for four years I miss those books, anyways) but now she's one of the major players for the first couple books of that series...what can I say, I have a weakness for lesbian knights and she stole my heart lmao

6) have you ever made a playlist about something you were writing as an elaborate means to procrastinate when you could have been actually writing and if yes drop a link, son

I definitely do! I have a "Thala's vengeance" playlist and I'm work-shopping one for the her and her love interest but it takes me forever to put together a playlist so I'll post that eventually lol

8) have you identified any recurring elements or themes across your writing?

oh god, for sure

General:

diverse casts

a preference for female main characters and exploring diverse strengths rather than having a non-descript "strong female character"

healthy and wholesome romances (usually gay, but I've been known to dabble in writing het romances lol)

sisterhood rather than the "catty women" trope

slow burns (not every time)

friends to lovers (again, not every time)

sarcastic yet sweet friendships and/or siblings

Aesthetics:

a love of describing the sky. seriously lmao

bodies of water??? for whatever reason???

"petrichor" my beloved

elaborate food descriptions (but hey, I write high fantasy, cut me some slack lmao)

send me writing asks?

#*ding* you've got mail!#nectargrapes #thank you so much! this was fun to think about ^^#there's probably more elements but I can't think of any more lol

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hannewk · 6 years

Text

The (not very concise) story of our Arcade Fire adventures (Chapter 21: Two go crazy in Berlin)

I should probably note at this point that it was raining as the gig started. It had been raining on and off during the support act and we were quite enjoying being cooled off a bit. We had adorned our super sparkly tops and were ready to go (or ‘start’).

We were enjoying the cooling rain and the familiar pre-gig playlist when suddenly the volume went up and Stevie Wonder’s 'Pastime Paradise' started playing. We weren’t really sure what was going on, this hadn’t played at previous gigs and we didn’t know a start time but all of a sudden they appeared on the screen. They were stood on a small stage towards the back of the crowd doing their lovely group hugsie. The crowd grew louder as they approached and made their way onto the stage in front of us. And so it begins again!! AGAIN!! I’d like to think it maybe finally felt like it was real at this point but I really don’t know!!!?? It was all so intense and vivid and emotional and colourful and LOUD!! (I really need to cut down on the exclamation marks don’t I?). Anywhoooo, the rain was falling, the crowd was cheering, the atmosphere was electric and the fuckers decide to start with ...

WAKE UP

WOW a ‘Wake Up’ opener! They did this at the Isle of Wight festival and have played around with it a bit in the states over recent weeks but I wasn’t quite ready for it on this occasion. Blog fans (all two and a half of you) will know this is an emotional one for me. I somehow manage to hold it sort of together until the clouds decide to part and reveal a beautiful rainbow. I’m the least spiritual person in the world but that’s definitely my dad waving. Yes dad, I see you, I'll dance my fucking arse off for you tonight!!

POWER OUT

Funny having this one early on too, but it’s a great way of getting the crowd going. We completely lose it towards the end, we leap about like two mad women with our sparkles flailing; Jules drops her glasses on the floor - will they survive the gig?? Some of our sequins end up at our feet and on the other side of the barrier but we don’t give a shit.

LAIKA / HEADLIGHTS LOOK LIKE DIAMONDS

Two tracks that they don’t play regularly but that we’ve been lucky enough to see already this tour. This obviously doesn’t stop us in the slightest. Headlights particularly is a special track for us (for some reason I had it going round in my head as we were queuing here and in Dublin, where they last played it for us).

DEEP BLUE

Okie doke, Deep Blue happened. I didn’t mention the soundcheck we heard while we were queuing in the last blog but this was one of the tracks they practiced, along with both Half Lights and Cars and Telephones. We obviously figured they’d play at least one of these and were over the moon when Deep Blue appeared. Win got the words wrong (there seemed to be some distraction going on at the centre of the crowd that was throwing him) but Regine helped and it was WONDERFUL and EPIC and a few other relevant adjectives thrown in despite the false start. Something about them not always being ‘perfect’ makes them more perfect weirdly.

ELECTRIC BLUE / PUT YOUR MONEY ON ME

Wonderful as always - Regine is sassy and sexy and the queen of everything (now)!!!

CARS AND TELEPHONES

They wouldn’t do this to us would they?? Oh holy fuck they would. This was performed delicately and beautiful; I really want a recording of the mature Arcade Fire performing this track because it really is special. The only problem is, it kills Jules. She crumples into a tear soaked glittery wreck, so much so our neighbours in the crowd seem quite concerned. Because I’m an understanding and sympathetic friend I put her in a headlock and let her sob it out with a ‘deep pressure hold’ (although apparently this actually tipped her over the edge - I really can’t win!!)

HALF LIGHT I / HALF LIGHT II

Wow so we’re getting Deep Blue, Cars and Telephones and both the Half Lights after all?! What have we done to deserve this? I just …. how do I ….. no words …. okay moving on ……..

ROCOCO

I’ve always loved Rococo, but it’s become particularly special this tour. They just seem to like to play it when we’re there!! Lots of leaping and sky punching (I think Jules has recovered now).

THE SUBURBS / READY TO START

We’ll never tire of this familiar duo. I think this was our most epic Ready to Start to date, Jules jumps on the toe of a man behind us several times and elbows the lady beside us in the face - oops! Then we have the wonderful extended ending to Ready to Start and we know that’s leading us into a costume change for Regine and …..

SPRAWL II !!!!!!

Oh god!! I think I’ve said this on previous blogs but this was by far our most energetic Sprawl II. We’re whipping about our sequinned tops and ‘Regining’ it up big time. Regine is wearing skin tight black sparkles and it’s just us and her and she’s loving it!!! (Well not exactly, but she’s definitely clocked us a few times this gig).

REFLEKTOR / AFTERLIFE / CREATURE COMFORT

Regine puts on her ‘Han and Jules stylie’ sequinned top and dances in the crowd during Reflektor. Afterife is wonderful as always, and then we have a new transition into Creature Comfort. Our beloved magical music man, Stuart Bogie, is a bit slow on the uptake with the CC arm wave so Jules and I start doing it anyway. We don’t seem to have the influence he has!!

EVERYTHING NOW (CONTINUED) / EVERYTHING NOW

Post encore this is a new experience for us, Everything Now has always been the first (or on one occasion second) track of the gig. It kind of feels right though. This was the first track we saw them perform live so it should be near the end of the final chapter of this era. During Everything Now Regine marches off stage and tells someone in the front row off; we both agree we wouldn’t want to be in her bad books!! Also around this time a security guy in a EN jacket comes over to us and drops a folded setlist into my hand and an EN plectrum into Jules’ hand before marching off. This is somewhat surprising but we don’t really take it in at this point; the plectrum ends up clamped in Jules’ hand for most of the rest of the night, she’s worried that if she opens her hand it won’t be there or it will be taken away. I think there are tears at this point but in all honesty I can’t remember, my memory seems to have only logged shapes and sounds and colours and emotions but nothing concrete and clear.

REBELLION

By this point we’ve both (without consulting) come to terms with the lack of Tunnels. It seems a fair trade off to be honest; I mean what a setlist! It comes full circle again during Rebellion when Will runs in front of us backwards and forwards before mounting the stage.

It’s the perfect conclusion; we can tell because we don’t feel too hollow when they eventually leave the stage at the end. We know this will take some processing and we’re not sure it’ll ever feel completely real, but it was an evening of joy, beauty, emotion and fucking wonderful music, and we are leaving feeling lifted (and yet also strangely emotionally fucked). Surely there’s no other experience in the world quite like this!!!!!!

#arcade fire #berlin #zitadelle spandau #emotionally fucked #arcade fire you fuckers #to be fucking continued

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