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kevinwastaken · 3 years

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okay so idk if anyones done this yet, but this has been in my mind ever since i got into omori lmao

so uhHhHhhh heres my idea for an identity v omori crossover! just because i think it would be neat

this is going to be a super long post (probably), so if you want to read it, just hit read more or whatever

i also want to say that some character choices are gonna be taken from my friend, @/kami.rikki on instagram. but she didnt think as hard on these as i did so like idk

there Will be spoilers for omori, so just be warned of that lmao

so as i said before, this has been on my mind for a HOT minute. and i think it would be a cool collab

for starters, this crossover will be split up (as is every other crossover) in two parts, with one hunter two survivors. i know essence usually have one hunter three survivors, but theres not enough characters for that, and six can be split up evenly sooo

i was thinking that the skins could be like the ones from the persona 5 crossover. like, they can be “awakened” in a sense. the base costumes will be the dream world versions of everyone, while the awakened costumes will be the real world versions. i wasnt here for the persona 5 crossover, so idk how many of those spirit things you had to collect, but i Do know that omoris spirit things could be. uh

well actually i dont know. initially i was thinking lightbulbs, like the one in white space, but the lightbulb isnt too important in the game i dont think? and im not sure about clams either. i know theyre dream world currency, but??

oh actually, maybe you can collect Something to awaken the costumes. because something is a representation of the truth in sunnys mind, and by awakening the costumes, you get to see the characters as their real selves. yeah lets go with that, you collect something from the essence

i swear ive been thinking this out shut up

the hunter costumes wont be awakened though, and i have a reason for this

anyway

part one

the characters that will be present in part one are sunny, basil, and aubrey. i chose them first because. ofc, sunnys the protag, basils his best friend and helped cover up maris death hes important to the story but anyway, and aubrey is <<33 yuh

so heres whos going to be who:

sunny/omori as wu chang

so let me preface this by saying that im not a hunter main. never have been, never will be. and ive never played wu chang. but i swear thisll make sense, im doing research

wu chang is actually composed of two characters, with two different stats: xie, the white guard, and fan, the black guard. i cant tell the difference while im playing, considering the fact that my ass is either running away or decoding. but theres a difference i looked it up

sunny would be the white guard. xie is a fast chaser, but has slow attack speed. ie, slow hits, slow pallet breaking, that stuff. this reflects how sunny is in the real world. he can run, yes, but hes still physically weak due to being locked in his house for four years and spending all his time sleeping. he would be better for chasing than attacking

omori would be the black guard. fan is the opposite of xie, having slow chasing speed but faster attack speed. this reflects in omori. omori is Very apathetic, and really, i dont think he would care to chase anybody unless it was for a quest. though, i guess killing survivors Is a quest for hunters, but. anyway

in battle, omori is a good fighter. his attacks are strong, (although not as strong as say. aubrey or kel. but who am i to say, the playthrough i watched had omori constantly sad) out of him and sunny, omori would be the attacker. so theres my choice for them

the umbrella can probably be switched for a knife. maybe an elongated knife. im not entirely sure, but i know the umbrella wont stay as an umbrella

basil as kurt frank

so i know what youre thinking. why is basil “the explorer??” hear me out this is actually a really good idea

the true best choice would be emma, since shes the gardener, but idv doesnt like giving characters skins of the opposite gender if you know what i mean. anyway

basil isnt a fighter. hes an assist, yes, but that was only for a crime four years ago. not my point, he wouldnt want to be in the action

i think he’d be a really good decoder. especially a good kurt

i originally wanted him to be prisoner, out of no bias whatsoever (/j) but kurt is a good fit for him

basil hides. he hides from things. he hides from the truth just like sunny, and he hides from others. albeit he still goes outside

i will not lie, i have a very personal grudge against kurt players. i dont want them to have anything because every kurt main ive come across was toxic to me specifically. but anyway

so one of kurts abilities is that he can go smaller to run around undetected and/or hide. i find this perfect for basil, because. yknow. hiding

his other ability is to find password pages and use them to decode ciphers faster. i think this would be funny because basils existence in headspace leads sunny to remembering the truth about maris death. i mean, if he werent in headspace, omori and the gang would continue going on adventures like nothing is wrong, so basil sort of speeds up the acknowledging process

this sounds dumb actually. but it makes sense in my head

anyway, the book would be turned into basils photo album, and he wouldnt have a backpack like kurt does. theres my answer

and finally,

aubrey as margaretha zelle

aubrey was actually really hard to pick out. none of the female survivors really fit her, aside from maybe coord, but i dont know what her gun would turn into. i will admit that her section wont be as detailed as basil or sunnys. but anyway my choice is with margie

aubrey imo would be a good kiter. she has strong stats all around, so i feel as if she’d be a great fit for margie. not to mention her speed boost when falling from large heights, which would make her a faster runner and harder to chase if used right. aubrey would be more physically fit since shes a fighter and seems to do a lot of stuff with the hooligans, which also helps prove that she should be a kiter. ANYWAY

so margie has these music boxes that can mess with the hunter, right? some of aubreys attacks can mess with enemies iirc. soooo theyre kind of similar in a way, arent they?

im not exactly sure what the music box can be turned into. maybe a small piano? aubrey cares about mari a lot, and the reason shes so pissed at everyone and rebellious is because she felt like everyone had forgotten about mari and moved on with their lives. so the music box could be a tribute to mari

i dont know how many changes they made with ann tamakis costume in the persona crossover, other than cosmetics for the skin only, so im not sure if the music box was changed at all. i can dream though

in the case that its changed, the blue box could be the song from the playground in headspace (yknow the one) while the red box could be the final duet song. but just with the piano, not the violin

essence

because yes, i thought about the essence too

of course, aside from the skins, there will be other stuff in the essence too. so itll be as follows:

for portraits, theyre going to be the neutral battle portraits from headspace. aside from basil and mari, who do not have battle portraits. theirs will just be of their neutral expressions with the neutral emotion backround behind them. i would add pictures, but the character pictures add up to six, so i’d run out of room before reaching part two

for graffiti, im not really sure. maybe everyones overworld sprites in headspace? along with maybe one of Something

for accessories, i actually have an idea of what thesell be. theyre going to be character exclusive accessories, just like how tpn did theirs

for aubrey, she’ll have mr plantegg. i was thinking of maybe having her bat as an accessory, but

OH ACTUALLY her bat could be a shop accessory that changes the music boxes!! probably an a tier tbh

anyway, the essence accessory for her is mr plantegg, and its there strictly for cosmetic purposes. for basil, he’d get either a pair of garden shears, or a basil plant, since yknow. his names basil. this is also for cosmetic purposes

they all are. i should say that now, the accessories are all cosmetic except aubreys a tier shop bat

finally, for sunny, im not entirely sure what to give him. i could give him a knife, sure, but then he’d have two knives because of the umbrella. maybe a steak? or a pair of red hands? im torn on this

and that concludes part one

part two

**PLEASE BE AWARE THAT MARIS IMAGE HAS THE PHOTO FROM THE TRUTH ALBUM WHERE SHES HANGING FROM THE TREE. IF YOU DONT WANT TO SEE IT, SKIP PAST IT. SHES THE FIRST CHARACTER IM PUTTING ON HERE

part two consists of mari, hero, and kel. do not separate them </3

here are my character choices:

mari as yidhra

so i know yidhra may seem like a weird choice. i originally thought of maybe mary, but this makes sense to me

yidhra herself will be mari. im not sure which version, but even though i have real world mari in the photo, maybe headspace mari would be better. nobody can see her anyway lmao

yidhras servants will be, again, mari, but she looks as she did when basil and sunny hung her on the tree. her hairs covering her face, with her right eye being visible. kind of like the girl from the ring, but anyway yeah

yidhra is the dream witch. she haunts your dreams and she haunts mine when i go against her. maris death haunts everyone, especially sunny and basil (whom know the truth of what happened,) so this just seems like a perfect fit

her death is “leeched” onto everyones minds (pun entirely intended), so attaching herself to survivors with only her death appearance visible is mmmm

instead of an axe, maybe her weapon can be the jump rope she was hung from? and it can be used as a whip? that makes the most sense to me idk

im not good at explaining things, but if you were to see dream witch in a match, youd know how good this would work

also brings a new meaning to “my thoughts will follow you into your dreams” HELLO

hero as norton campbell

so hero was kind of hard for me to pick too. i wanted him to be a support character, but looking around, there are. barely any that would work. my closest choice was victor, but?? the letters???? they dont correlate

hero doesnt give me kiter vibes, but nortons good at rescues too, as long as youre in an area with obstacles. and usually, when someone dies in battle, hero can make life jam to revive the fallen party member

nortons magnets are used to either bring the hunter closer to him, or push the hunter away. both can be used to stun with obstacles. while hero doesnt have any stun attacks that i can remember, he does have charming abilities that can be used to take damage for the other party members. so similar stuff? idk

i guess his magnets can be turned into chocolate chip cookies, since thats what he uses to heal everyone. if not cookies, then i dont know

oh actually one of nortons abilities is called “attract.” thats so funny if you put hero as him lmao

heros section is kind of short, my bad

kel as william ellis

come on. who else were you expecting me to use? its the basketball man as the football man

while kel is a fighter in battle, he can also be used as a backup healer. aubrey is the main fighter of the group, and hero is the main healer. so hes kind of a catch-all in a sense

kels an athlete. he plays basketball. williams an athlete. he plays football. need i say more

im not gonna lie, this is kind of a don tpn situation where it just Makes Sense that kel would be william

the football will probably be replaced with either a rubber ball or a basketball, depending on which skin youre using. the former is for headspace kel, the latter for real world kel

the buffs and debuffs for william makes sense on kel too. kel would probably have trouble with something as (probably) complex as the cipher machines, and the struggle and vaulting buffs show off his athleticisim

same with the football, using rush to rescue is such a kel thing to do

essence

for part two, there will be about the same things as part one

the portraits will be the neutral battle portraits, this time with the real world counterparts of everyone. basil and maris will be their neutral expressions on the neutral battle background. though, since mari doesnt have Real real world portraits, i guess they could use the one from the one i used on the mari yidhra picture

for graffiti, it can be the real world overworld sprites

in terms of accessories, theyre still cosmetic and character exclusive. maris can be the white egret orchid, since thats the flower that represents her. heros can be a spatula, as thats his weapon of choice in headspace. for kel, im not sure. hes using the ball as a weapon so???

maybe he can get a cactus, because thats his assigned plant

in terms of shop items, i think i know the perfect thing

mewo as a pet

mewo my beloved. nobody could ever forget you

mewo would be a hunter pet. she would be cool for survs too i guess, but considering both her owners are hunters.....

mewo would probably follow the hunter around, not really doing much. i think it would be Extremely funny though if every time a survivor was chaired, she just chilled next to them in the pose shes always in in white space

thats pretty much it. if you got this far, thank you!! i spent like two hours writing this whole thing out LMAO damn

#this is soooo long im so sorry #but im having a moment LMAO #identity v #idv #omori #omori game

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theriverpersonshadow · 3 years

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Lamia Drama Part 11

Heyooo. Guess who’s back... kinda. ^^;;; Not my favorite chapter by a long shot, but the idea got stuck in my head just enough to type out.

I hope tumblr doesn’t mess up the double-space formatting between texting and Liam’s thoughts, but I think it’s still distinguishable regardless.

A little bit of context for those who don’t play much DnD: Hexblade warlocks get their power from a patron who gives them a magic weapon. Fighters get a fighting style that allows them perks based on what kind of weapon they use. Sorcerers have inborn magic, and wild magic can make weird things happen sometimes.

Also, I know that it’s spelled y’all, but for some reason my fingers insist that it’s ya’ll??? Idek.

Aaaaaaanyways, these lamia species come from @vex-bittys ! Enjoy! <PREV | BEGINNING | NEXT>

Liam sighed happily as he stretched himself out in his enclosure. His skull-cap had been removed for the night. In theory he could, and probably should, leave it on, but the tacky substance that held it in place irritated his bones and itched horribly. Plus it just felt like something was sitting on his head all the time. It’s not like he had any nerves in the fake-bone, so it just felt like a dead weight. Bandage and cloth wraps were far more comfortable and did just as good of a job at keeping things out of his head. But in the safety of his own habitat with daylight hours away? There wouldn’t be much harm in letting it air out a little. Air swirled into his skull as he moved, tickling the inside, as he slid on top of the silky, plush pillows and under a warmed up heating blanket.

Normally he wouldn’t put on heat for the night unless it was freezing, it was easier to sleep in cool air, at least for him, but his eyes kept darting to his phone on its charger. Normally he’d have put it away by now, but they’d gotten Alex’s number and added her to the DnD group chat, Snarls and Snakes, so everyone with a phone was still chatting (save for Nikolai).

Pointy Combatant (Oozy): i demand you guys pronounce it G’nome. yeah i wear the pointy hat. m a G’arden G’nome

Devising Machinations (Keith): Your character still needs a NAME.

Pledged Companion (Trousle): YES, LAZYBONES!

Proxy Child (Alex): Names are hard, I get it m’dude.

Problematic Changeling (Liam): Still, that’s just lazy.

Devising Machinations (Keith): Oh hey, ya got your phone back. Nice :)

Problematic Changeling (Liam): They couldn’t keep it from me~

Pledged Companion (Trousle): THAT ISN’T EVEN YOURS!

Pointy Combatant (Oozy): dude caps

Pledged Companion (Trousle): I AM SMALL, YOU WILL NOT HEAR ME IF I DON’T SHOUT

Proxy Child (Alex): That… That isn’t how text works???

Pledged Companion (Trousle): ALSO THE SHIFT KEY IS STARTING TO ACT BUGGY. I DON’T WANT TO ASK FOR A PHONE OR KEYBOARD UNTIL THIS IS DEAD THOUGH

Devising Machinations (Keith): *nods* Understandable.

Pointy Combatant (Oozy): p sure that liam got it for good behavior

Pointy Combatant (Oozy): suck up

Problematic Changeling (Liam): IT IS A VALID HUNTING STRATEGY!!! Deception is JUST as valuable as being able to bite things. Sometimes. I’m more fond of biting deer than trying to play mind games with them.

Or he assumed he would be, if he got to see a deer. He was old enough to be rented out to handle overpopulated areas, but he wasn’t very popular… People saw the eye and all other thought seemed to go out the window. Nevermind that deer and rabbits pound at the ground like they were trying to break the earth, no one cared about that. They only cared that he was down an eye. Fuck them.

Devising Machinations (Keith): Everyone happy with their characters before I get started with anything in depth? I’ve talked to Hux, dude’s fine ^u^

Proxy Child (Alex): I think so??? I’m still trying to figure out whether or not to main in Hexblade or just go straight fighter. I mean, getting the fighting style is well worth dipping into it regardless, but, like, would my character *want* help from another fae, or is this something she felt she needed to do herself? Like, making pacts and stuff would make her seem more fey-y, but does she WANT to be fey-y? Or would I rather have her intentionally shun all of it?

Devising Machinations (Keith): Not a call I can make, but can’t wait to hear about it.

Problematic Changeling (Liam): I’ve had similar questions… I do think I’m going sorcerer one way or another, wild magic of course, since they’re inherently magic, but would they have been trying to learn other things as well?

There was something he couldn’t quite put his finger on with their characters. They seemed so juicy already, enough angst and plot potential for them both to sink their teeth into, but something felt slightly off…

Proxy Child (Alex): I guess it comes down to whether my character (who I will give a name to, eventually) would want the “crutch” of a more powerful fae helping them out, or if they’d rather prove their own worth.

Liam’s fingers were typing before he’d even thought it through.

Problematic Changeling (Liam): Prove your own worth. You don’t need someone hand-holding you through life.

Pledged Companion (Trousle): I DON’T SEE WHY NOT. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH NEEDING ASSISTANCE, BOTH IN GENERAL AND *ESPECIALLY* WHEN EVERYONE AROUND YOU CAN DO THINGS YOU CANNOT.

Proxy Child (Alex): Ya’ll both have points, just ain’t sure. I might have to try writing or RP’ing her a little to figure out what kind of person she is. Have to get a feel for her first, y’know?

Devising Machinations (Keith): That’s fine by me. No pressure ^^

Pledged Companion (Trousle): YES, NO REASON TO STRESS ABOUT IT, YOU’VE GOT AT LEAST A WEEK! YOU’LL COME UP WITH SOMETHING GREAT!

Proxy Child (Alex): Thanks dudes.

Proxy Child (Alex): I really like your character btw, Liam. Kinda wish I’d come up with that first XD It’s relatable, y’know? Though maybe a little too close to home anyways, ya’ll ain’t my therapists. Can’t wait to see how you play them out.

Problematic Changeling (Liam): It’s going to be awesome, naturally. Are you sure you can keep up with me?

Proxy Child (Alex): Honey, I don’t think you know what kind of angst machine you’re dealing with here >:3c

Pointy Combatant (Oozy): oh boy thisll be fun

Pledged Companion (Trousle): GUYS I’M PUTTING YOU ON MUTE. I’M KEEPING EVERYONE UP. GOODNIGHT! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Pointy Combatant (Oozy): night trus

Pointy Combatant (Oozy): also you should just play every single class at once

Pointy Combatant (Oozy): itd be HISSterical

Devising Machinations (Keith): XD Dude. No. Just no. Also, you’re ripping that off from Puffing Forest

Pointy Combatant (Oozy): lies and slander

Problematic Changeling (Liam): You watch it *while we game* sometimes. I’m half deaf and I can still hear it!

Pointy Combatant (Oozy): it aint my fault you take 5ever on turns sometimes

Problematic Changeling (Liam): Well SOME of us know how to strategize.

Pointy Combatant (Oozy): yeah, trus

Proxy Child (Alex): PFFFFFT. Oozy omg. XD But I oughta go to bed. I’ve got work tomorrow. Sleep tight ya’ll!

Devious Machinations (Keith): Niiiight!

Problematic Changeling (Liam): I’ll get you back for that Oozy. But really, I’m looking forward to this. It’s been a while since we got fresh blood in.

The last time they had was Trousle. Being the only bitty and the youngest of the group, they hadn’t been friends with him nearly as long as with each other, but he was still quite fun to have around. He was starting to grow on Liam, honestly. Liam had to respect his relentless optimism, at least to a degree. Albeit, Papython in general tended to be unwaveringly positive, but it seemed deeper than the surface-level sugar of some of his breed.

Pointy Combatant (Oozy): sleep sounds good actually. Night

Devising Machinations (Keith): Saaaame. Night everyone

Problematic Changeling (Liam): Goodnight.

Liam put the phone back and turned the heat off on the blanket, putting it over his head and settling in for the night. He was grateful that his wing tended to be pretty quiet; he never could sleep well with noise, lights, or too much movement, though the pillows muffled the vibrations in the ground nicely. No one was going to come anyways, not this late. Even if they did, he was a light enough sleeper to wake up and bite before the other even knew what hit them. He drifted to sleep alternating between contemplating his DnD character, and imagining hunting a deer.

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tfw-no-tennis · 4 years

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return of hunty

soooo we’re back!! with some really old recaps that ive been too lazy to polish and publish. so, eps 29-32

so i have no idea wtf all that talk abt pores was but i guess gon and killua can do nen now. cool!

they rlly like, figured all that shit out in a few hours huh. these fuckgin nen prodigies hvbajkshdfbjskf

time to wade thru hisokas nasty vibes again

this felt like a video game and gon and killua tried to face a boss but were sent on a sidequest first lmao

smh just let gon punch you hisoka. then you can leave hopefully

wow some busted bitches are tryin to start shit w/the boys. i can tell these fools are gonna get rekkt

oh goody gon is gonna fight spinny guy. he looks like that claw guy from s1 of mp100

i hate that they wont stop talking abt this guys ‘tops’ hvbahdfbjskjf

theres a lot of like. strategy and shit going on

oooh gon hiding his presence just like he did when tracking hisoka! you little prodigy you

gon breaking his arm again :( buddy please

well rip the dream i guess, youll get em next time gon

killua scolding gon for being reckless and stuff...just say you were worried abt him gayboy

that promise thread is weirdly cute

killua being like ok wing if you dont teach us nen we’re gonna go out and do it anyways so yeah. hes so rude and blunt i love him

meanwhile, KURAPIKA!!!!!!!!!!! i missed u omg

kp wya. this place looks sketchy

ah, kurapika has to learn nen too now

whos this guy. is he gonna teach kurapika nen

YEP TOTALLY

why do i feel like we’re not gonna see leorio at all during this....my man i miss u too

ah, lovely timeskip lol

gon is so bouncy. baby boy ily and your scary improbable healing time

killua calling gon weird....you guys are BOTH weird ok

damn so hisoka has lost fights before, wild

or guess not, if he just didnt show up lmaooo what a bastard man

how funny would it be if this random guy defeated hisoka before gon could even fight him lmaoo

welp guess gon isnt gonna watch the match. im sure killua can fill him in

killua rlly just snuck into this dudes room huh

kastro: [teleports behind killua] NOTHING PERSONAL, KID

killua asking for an autograph lmao u aint slick boi

hmmm i wonder if these two will fight later on

then again i dont think this arc is that long so??? whats even gonna happen here??? is it just gonna be the gon vs hisoka fight that the OP has been promising this whole time???

kastro v hisoka go

YESSSS get punched hisoka. so good

FUCK HIM UP KASTRO.

i doubt thisll last but its good rn

LIMBS R FLYING....this is WILD bro. hisoka is so smug ughhhh i wanna punch him too

damn this bitch knows clone jitsu

ultimate attack time! i feel like the other shoe is abt to drop and hisoka is abt to fuck kastro up

THIS BITCH RLLY OUT HERE DOING A MAGIC SHOW HUH. jesus hisoka ur just...the worst

now hisoka has ZERO arms lord jesus

he really his kastro w/his own severed arm. god

kastro: what the fuck is happening right now

me: YEAH DUDE TELL ME ABOUT IT

aw man there goes kastro. rip you dramatic bishie legend, you never stood a chance

OOOOH cool lady who are you. her powers are kinda creepy but also cool. is she like, a doctor???

how does hisoka know her i wonder. shes cool tho i like her already

wow hisokas powers are weird. thats pretty on par tho

OH? PHANTOM TROUPE??? so machi is in the phantom troupe...oh boy now im conflicted abt liking her

AND HISOKAS IN THE PHANTOM TROUPE???? lmao ok then! i guessed that he knew them somehow but i didnt think he was a member...that doesnt seem like his MO

killua: that was wild. anyways lets train

please punch hisoka right out of the story gon

OH GOD OH LORD H*SOKA SHOWER SCENE I DONT WANT THIS AT ALLLLLL

ruth and i were literally just screaming throughout this whole thing. absolutely horrifying

OH JK I GUESS HISOKA IS JUST PRETENDING TO BE IN THE TROUPE. fuckgin typical lmaoooo

i do wonder why tho, like what are his motivations to pretend to be in the troupe...connections? money? convenience? just sowing chaos? guess we’ll see, cause im assuming hisokas going to yorknew to meet w/them

i wanna set hisoka on fire w/my mind. get him OUTTA HERE

also its so fucked up seeing hisoka w/out makeup and w/his hair down UGH I HATE IT he should NOT look ‘normal’ ever he should always look like the clown that he is

anyways thats it for now! and im temporarily suspending the predictions corner segment since i was too lazy to add it when i actually watched these eps, so now i have no idea what my predictions were. alas

#we r like halfway thru the chimera ant arc now hvbhaksjhfdkkas #i just havent polished up most of the heavens arena recaps so i havent published any....#but i have been writing my recaps dutifully for the CA arc so far #lj watches hxh #hxh

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sharkthey · 7 years

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OK DUDE SO i don t have like gender dysphoria i believe? ((like i realized i dont give a shit abt getting my body into shape bc what shape would it be in? more feminine, more like, Nah)) BUT watched some singin today and having a deep voice, like a tenor At Least 👌👌👌👌👌👌 also! while we're on Shit Im Workin Through, i have this idea that college is a magical place where everyones cool w gender shit but as soon as i enter The Real World the game is over i gotta be she/her again which!! i dont know if its actually a game on my end,, but idk what ill be like in 4 years, Dont Know Them, or what itll be like to work? at all?? so just. the fact that i cant picture it doesnt mean ill suddenly Change Back idk?? it scares me tho, the fact that in the end thisll all be temporary which. wont happen i guess but being visibly nonbinary in the real world is scary, heck i was on a college campus waiting for the girls restroom (enough of an answer for ya??) and not only did the dude keep staring as i glanced at him, i gave him a look like "?? ya sup dude" and Then he looked away after a long time...and glanced back and away again like, aight dude i know im stunning, dont get whiplash lmao theres no rules. like if there was a place in society for nb pals id be Living In It but as it stands ill just be like, never normal which id never be anyway so. thats fine i guess BUT after college i dont know whatll happen. and going on T might fuck up my chances of ever being treated well (dramatic sorry), for what, a vocal fantasy?? those are insecurities and i can live w them. but. theyre there. i guess u can never not go on t, esp for like, small physical changes and not big ones IDK!!!!!! THANKS FOR READING THIS FAR if youve worked out this shit i guess hit me up? idk ill look up nonbinary grownups bc..there are so many young teens here..its definitely possible scary b ut possible

#gender euphoria i guess #isaac #I GUESS #YELLS #i wanna get. my hands around it. my head around it #fox talks #long post

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roscoexsykes-blog · 5 years

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BDRP TASK: Letters from the Heart warnings; violence kinda, typical ros/des stuff.

@desotosykes

Desi, fratello mio.

I sincerely hope this letter finds you and that the word of the agreement was honest. I can only begin to imagine your frustrations with me for everything that’s happened and I can’t even fucking imagine what’s going on there right now. I wish I could have done this in person but you deserve an explanation, I just didn’t have time to give you one and I’m sure that sounds like an excuse to you but it’s true. I just need you to know I did what I thought was best for us, alright? I need you to know I’m not turning my back on you - even if I’m sure that’s what it looked like. I promise I never meant to fucking leave you okay? I’m so fucking sorry that I didn’t tell you, DeSoto. I just.. I needed to get as far away from New York as possible and.. It’s selfish. Selfish and cowardly I know but…

They gave me a plea bargain, Desi. I was hit with so much shit when we got back to the station and I thought I was looking at over thirty fucking years...but you know that asshole fucking Captain he… he was just looking at the bigger picture and told me I should too. If I gave him dad and dad only I could walk away free as long as I got the hell out of New York. Told me… they just wanted the old man and no one else would get in trouble, you know? They promised me that you, Tony… Andre and the rest of the crew? That none of yous would face legal backlash as long as I gave a statement about Dad. I...I did this for you, Desi. We..I mean we never have to fucking deal with him again. He’s gonna be behind bars for a really long time and… I know it seems fucking shit right now. I’m sure it is shit right now, but I promise Desi. This’ll be a good thing in the long run, we just have to give it time… The guys? They won’t be too mad.. The old man treated just about everyone like a sack of shit and ain’t no one was all that loyal anyways, right? So we’ll be okay.

I know it was probably stupid. I know you’re probably pissed, but please believe me when I say this is for the best, Desi. I mean dad was getting too fucking reckless. The only reason we got into this whole situation was because of him and we both know we’d be safer without him.

I can explain better in person and I know letters are fucking dumb but I can’t risk texting or calling with how hot everything is right now, but… I’m sure it’ll settle eventually and when it does we can meet up and discuss this, alright?

Just… we’ll get this sorted, okay?

I promise we’ll figure this out.

ti voglio bene, Desi.

Roe

RETURNED TO SENDER UNABLE TO FORWARD

Des,

I know you’re pissed. I would be too, believe me. I completely understand not wanting to talk to me and I understand that I might’ve ruined everything, but I’m really hoping you’ll grow up a bit and fucking come around. I promise you everything I did, I did for a reason. I would never do that shit with no fucking thought and I would never do something so serious without considering every possibility. I know you won’t understand that, but it really was a situation where I had no choice, DeSoto. What did you think dad was going to do if I got sent to the can for a few decades? You think he’d bail me out? You think he’d care? No. We both fucking know he wouldn’t do shit, Desi. I would have fucking rotted in there for his stupid fucking choices. I didn’t deserve that and you fucking know it. So I made the only choice I fucking had and I got the fuck out of there.

Do I regret not talking to you? Yes, of course I do. If I could go back and change it, I would have came to you first. I would have told you that I needed to go and maybe you would have came with me. Maybe you’re pissed because i left you behind but you live for this shit, Des. You love doing this shit and love being like dad and love New York. I...I didn’t want that shit anymore. Not with him. I figured maybe... you’d be better off there than uprooting your fucking life for me.

So I’m sorry for leaving you. I genuinely am.

But I won’t fucking apologize for throwing the old man where he belongs.

RETURNED TO SENDER UNABLE TO FORWARD

DeSoto

I’m not asking for forgiveness or for you to talk to me. I’d honestly just like a simple sign to know you’re even alive, but hell. Maybe I don’t deserve that either. I trust that they kept their fucking word, but I never stopped to consider maybe that wasn’t enough… Even just a single ‘fuck you’ would be perfect to know you’re okay.

I’m sure at this point you really don’t care but,... I’m safe. Maybe once things cool off and if you’re not completely pissed you could come stay with us. I’m sure Rita wouldn’t approve but it don’t matter. My home is yours too, no matter what.

I still care about you, Desi. I never stopped caring about you. You’re my brother and I love you. There are no words for… for everything’s that happened. Maybe you’ll never get over it and...I guess I’ll just have to live with it. I’m the one that made this choice, after all.

I just… I’m so fucking sorry, fratello.

If there was one person I didn’t want to lose in life, it was you.

RETURNED TO SENDER UNABLE TO FORWARD

Desi,

Mi manchi.

Sono così dispiaciuto. Non so se posso farlo senza di te. Per favore ... per favore stai solo bene. Non posso tornare a controllarti. Non ho idea di dove sei o se sei vivo. Controllo i cazzo di necrologi perché sono terrorizzato che tu sarai lì.

So che non mi perdoni, ma per favore.

Per favore fatemi sapere che state bene.

Roe

[Desi, I miss you. I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t know if I can do this without you. Please... please be okay. I can’t come back to check on you. I have no idea where you are or if you’re alive. I check the fucking obituaries because I’m terrified you’ll be there. I know you don’t forgive me, but please. Please let me know you’re alright. Roe]

RETURNED TO SENDER UNABLE TO FORWARD

#bdrptask #bdrptasks #task; Letter #for real this time tho #x; Wayward Sons

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

Text

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more.

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya.

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else.

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah.

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds.... ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other.

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks)

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!) anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until. yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...) ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess)

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade.

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh.

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.)

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me) but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that....

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that.

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it- idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk.

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first) i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” )

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it.

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is?

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

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