not to complain abt a thing every pokemon fan and their mom has complained about but man i just realized another reason why not putting the battle frontier in oras was a failure of a decision- because the next game, sumo, and its postgame kinda hinges on you already knowing who anabel is, and i think a good chunk of the fandom either didnt know or didnt recognize her at all because the last time she appeared was in the deep postgame a game that had come out nearly a decade before. so having the battle frontier, or at least the frontier brains, in oras would have reminded the audience and told new fans who anabel was and given us a reason to care about her

I think you could do some interesting stuff with the fact thatUltra Wormholes often (but not always) erase memories wholesale in the Warden E AU. Like, maybe Elesa/E has fewer surface memories than Ingo thanks to the head injury she received, but she still has most of her memories: they're just hazy and buried. On the other hand, Ingo can remember more, but most of the stuff he can't remember is just gone thanks to a very rough transit through Ultra Space. (That's my own theory.)

Getting it out of the way, I very much operate on the idea Ingo got ultrawormhole'd xD I have to as a certified Faller Enjoyer! We know different fallers can remember different amounts and areas of information (Look at Anabel vs Mohn, for example!) So I absolutely go off the idea that lingering wormhole energy effects every faller differently, such as....

Ingo has a lot of more photographic memory, and remembers what things looked like and such, along with muscle memory and sayings he used to say a lot! We know this for fact, but it doesn't hurt to re-state. And it seems his memory comes back pretty easy by just.... Talking about it, if the cave scene is anything to go off of. But there seems to be some blocking in memory. Elesa, or well, E, ended up Ironically enough being better with the names of stuff (Though that doesn't mean she has no image related memories, just less compared to Ingo)! Like she recognizes the arc-phone as a weird rotom-phone once she got a good look at it, and she knows the names of pokemon when they're described pretty easy! Along with, y'know, remembering Emmet's name but not who he was. She knows what Swanna are, and was actively confused as to why they looked different then what she did remember, same with Liligant and Braviary! She's still good at recognizing things, it just takes prompting... Even when it's awkwardly realizing people she sees remind her of people she knew.

Now you may be asking, June, who's the third figure?! And to that I reply, a surprise tool that will help us later! The mystery person is someone also displaced by space and time, who arguably remembers more compared to either Elesa OR Ingo. They have their pokemon still, and somewhat easy to grasp memory due to still being in modern day (Though, it's all foggy and thing aren't exactly as they remember). They're going off a concept I think about a lot when it comes to fallers, but if I say what that is it might spoil the surprise :p

does Lusamine have any doubts in life?

Alright before I go into this giant manifesto, the most important thing to know about Lusamine, is that she is heavily effected by her outsider status; being a faller from an entirely different dimension, having partial ultra human genetics that keep her out of equilibrium with her human DNA, has put her into this position where she knows she is never going to experience life the same way as her peers. This, compiled with her above average IQ, actually invokes a lot of existential dread in Lusamine, and it REALLY highlights how true the statement “ignorance is bliss” is.

Nobody knows that she is an outside though, all of that is kept under wraps. Her public persona is perfected, and unless you know her behind closed doors, or in a more personal setting as an employee or business partner, she comes across as just another scientist passionate about their research.

But beneath all of that is this constant, biting, growing hatred and disdain for people, for humans, for the way this world runs in general. And she has come to accept that there is very little that is going to change it— nor is it really worth changing, in her opinion, because humans do not live long enough to learn from their mistakes.

It’s ironic, that she has such a love, fascination and adoration for Ultra Beasts and vicious creatures, yet she regards humans as awful. Perhaps there is a part of her that would be more inclined to accept people who admit that they are beasts in a way, instead of those that operate from a place of uncontrolled emotion and ego. Because, at the end of the day, she sees human behavior, and compares it to the behavior of the other creatures that share this planet. No other creatures are as violent, as unhinged, and as self-serving, as humans. And yet— she is ALSO human, even partially. So if everybody else can act like monsters— why shouldn’t she? Why shouldn’t she get what she wants as well? Humankind is doomed anyways. She, at the very least, is going to live longer, and doesn’t plan on being in this dimension forever.

Since Lusamine doubts that humans are ever going to change, she dismisses their opinions on her operations, and her existence, entirely. And while, yes, she is always open for healthy debate, and is willing to adjust her beliefs and theories in order to follow the science, and to follow the logic, she has not been shown any substantial evidence that the majority of humans aren’t just ignorant, wasteful, time consuming things. Lusamine is EXTREMELY confident in her beliefs and her resolve, and it is not going to be easy to sway her in the opposite direction.

["My mother teaches composition and literature at the community college in Coos Bay, a logging town that almost collapsed when Weyerhaeuser permanently closed its big mill. Every quarter she teaches out-of-work and injured loggers and mill workers. If these men had their druthers, they'd still be in the woods, but because of work-related disabilities— either permanent or temporary— mill closings and the depletion of timber, they need to find other ways to put food on their tables. They have spent years working in the forests and mills. Some started as choker setters, working their way up the ladder to become fallers or foremen. The most dangerous and lowest paying job on a logging crew, a choker setter wraps chain around each log as it lies helter-skelter on the slope so it can be dragged up to the loading areas. Others drive logging trucks, know how to navigate the steepest, narrowest logging roads carrying tons of logs behind them. Still others have fed logs into the roar of the sawmill, pulled lumber out the other end. They know logs, trees, the lay of the land, chainsaws, and forklifts as well as urban folks know the criss-cross of streets in their neighborhoods. If you want to see a marbled murrelet, a bird— like the spotted owl— in trouble because it's losing habitat to clearcut logging, ask one of them. They'll know where to look, even give you directions if you're lucky.

A few of these loggers and mill workers write about their work to complete assignments my mother gives them. She says some of their essays break her heart, essays written by men who love the woods and the steep hills of the Siskiyous, who fell and buck the trees, and know the tension between their work and their love. They also know that the two aren't diametrically opposed. Their long days outside, the years of trudging up and down impossibly steep hills, chainsaws balanced over shoulders, feed their love. And in turn their joy at the morning fog lifting off the trees, the sound of pileated woodpeckers and gray squirrels, bolsters their willingness to do the dangerous, body-breaking work of logging. Other essays make my mother grind her teeth: pieces about conquest, the analogy between felling a 300-year-old Douglas fir and raping a woman only thinly veiled, both acts to be bragged about. In these essays, trees are jobs, endlessly renewable resources, lumber, and paper; the natural world, a force to be subdued.

All these loggers and mill workers are fighting poverty, struggling to pay the rent, the mortgage, the medical bills on a paycheck that has vanished. There are few unions in the logging business.

The timber corporations all have long histories of union-busting. The last time the mill workers tried to unionize at Weyerhaeuser's Coos Bay mill, the company threatened to pull out completely if organizing efforts didn't stop. The mill workers wouldn't back down, and Weyerhaeuser did in fact shut the mill down for months. In Coos Bay when people can't find timber or fishing jobs, they work the tourist season May through September and earn minimum wage. So these loggers and mill workers enroll at the community college and sit in my mother's classes, maybe hopeful, but more likely consumed by anxiety.

You, my reader, maybe I am imagining you wrong. Rather than believing that loggers are murderers and that logging is rape pure and simple, maybe you place loggers on some sort of pedestal, as the quintessential exploited worker in a capitalist economy. Maybe you believe that logging is ugly but somehow romantic. Make no mistake: there is nothing romantic about logging. It is dangerous work, fraught with hazards that can tear bodies apart. Mr. Rodgers, the father of my best friend in junior high and high school, lost his left arm to a sawmill. Jim Woodward, who lived upriver from us, could barely walk, his back broken in a logging accident years before. In addition to the catastrophic accidents, there is the routine hearing loss, the nerve damage caused by chainsaw vibration, the missing fingers. Nor are loggers larger-than-life characters. Some of them hate my queer, socialist-anarchist, feminist, tree- and fish-loving self, but their hatred isn't unique. They share it with many people in this country.

They are not brutes by virtue of being loggers. Or if they are, so am I, so is Jim, and so are the journalists who write about the bumper stickers they find on loggers' pickups. Do these journalists ever look for bumper stickers on logging executives' sedans? Do they ever wonder why the sticker "Save a logging exec, kill a spotted owl" doesn't exist? What story would they write if they stumbled across the bumper sticker I ironically imagine, "Save a logger, save the owls, kill a logging exec"?"]

Eli Clare, Exile and Pride: Disability, Queerness, and Liberation

🔮 🔥 HMmmm 🤔?

Mun talks about the Muse|| Accepting! 

🔮 What do you see in your muse’s future?

//Welcome back it’s lovely to see you again!!

For Selene’s future…honestly, I want to see her have more growth in her character. She’s got a lot of habits, while good in intention, that could get her in trouble–like her selflessness and struggle to rely on others. I want to see her deepen bonds with friends/make more deep bonds and learn to accept her limits. 

I do see her making a somewhat difficult choice for herself–leaving the Championship behind for a bit to go find herself–ironically just like her idol (Red) did. But as for whether she’ll come back to the throne or leave it? I want to leave that up to the bonds she forges because on one hand, while Selene doesn’t like feeling tied down, she’s a great fit for the role of Champion (despite how she feels like she’s not as fit as other Champions at the moment). On the other hand, while it was her childhood dream to get the title of Champion, the most fun part of being a trainer to her is the part she misses most in her main verse–adventuring and feeling free. She’ll ALWAYS be a trainer and participating in tournaments and the like, but she also has other passions she realizes she’s good at which could be something she wants to pursue more than being a trainer. 

I’m rambling but I also want to get more into her being a faller–while I’ve delved into the effects of it all, I want to resolve over time and rp/plotting if she’s gonna live with this forever (and if there are any latent benefits) or if there’s gonna be a way to counter it. I’ve been leaning towards the former because a hero suffering negative effects from their heroics is something I like to see developed–it’s tough being a hero and that’s something that inspired me with her character, being that the gen 7 protag is relied on to do SO MUCH. (But that’s the life of all protags). 

WOAH THAT’S A LOT

🔥 Unpopular opinion about your muse?

//Dhfkdhfh this is a tough one, I feel like much of the fandom favors an entirely different characterization of my gal than I write; though for protagonists, there’s limited information to go off of so it’s almost entirely subjective what one breathes into them. (That’s the fun part to me!!) One of the biggest things I’m not popular in is that, I don’t really take to the name Moon. (To me it’s better suited as a nickname)  I really loved the localized names this generation– Selene as the goddess of the Moon and Elio as god of the Sun are amazingly fit to me. (It’s a small thing but trust me it gets a bit…irking when you have gently correct others often that your muse’s name is Selene because everyone automatically assumes her Moon.) Another reason I went with Selene is to separate manga from gameverse so as not to cause confusion because I…am surprisingly not the biggest fan of Pokespe Moon but I appreciate the story.

I guess also since I brought up personality, soon as I saw her design years ago, she came off as spunky, sweetheart to me but I read many fics and  just surf through the fandom a lot and I’ve seen a lot of fandom embrace super cool, takes no stuff spitfire interpretation of her and hey, it’s valid! I just never felt that way about her personally, which is why I write her as I do. 

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 29/05/2021 (Eurovision, BTS, Olivia Rodrigo, Galantis/David Guetta/Little Mix, Anne-Marie & Niall Horan)

What better way to celebrate the end of a week in which I have been consistently ill and surprisingly busy? Sixteen new arrivals, of course! Shoot me, but first, congratulate Olivia Rodrigo for her second #1 as “good 4 u” gets the album boost to overthrow “Body” this week. I can safely say I think it’ll be there for a while. Let’s just start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

Sixteen new arrivals and therefore, kind of a bloodbath. Why are there sixteen new arrivals? We’ll get to it. Other than six new arrivals from last week, we have a couple other drop-outs, the notable of which being those that spent five or more weeks in the UK Top 75 – which I cover – or those that peaked in the top 40. Therefore, those include, rather ironically on Olivia Rodrigo’s album week, former #1 “drivers license” (only dropping out because of a silly UK chart rule that only allows three songs per lead artist on the chart), as well as “Don’t Play” by Anne-Marie, KSI and Digital Farm Animals, “Another Love” by Tom Odell, “Calling My Phone” by Lil Tjay and 6LACK, “Heartbreak Anniversary” by Giveon, “Tonight” by Ghost Killer Track and D-Block Europe featuring OBOY and “Miss the Rage” by Trippie Redd and Playboi Carti. I’m not complaining about most of this, sorry, Giveon.

We have no returning entries – thankfully – so instead we can just focus on notable falls and climbers. I guess we’ll start with notable losses, songs that dropped five or more spots from their placement last week, and of course we do have a few of them at least as a result of, say it with me, sixteen new arrivals. The first few of these are all harsh drops because of ACR, which happened to coincide with the rest of the chaos, including “Little Bit of Love” by Tom Grennan at #24, “BED” by Joel Corry, David Guetta and RAYE at #25, “Friday” (Dopamine Re-Edit) by Riton and Nightcrawlers featuring Musafa & Hypeman at #26, “Peaches” by Justin Bieber featuring Daniel Caesar and Giveon at #29 and “Let’s Go Home Together” by Ella Henderson and Tom Grennan at #33. We also have the losses for J. Cole staying surprisingly slim with “My Life” featuring 21 Savage and Morray at #27, “Pride is the Devil” featuring Lil Baby at #28 and “Amari” at #35. The rest are mostly just expected continuous fallers, like “Wellerman” by Nathan Evans and remixed by 220 KID and Billen Ted at #44, “Nice to Meet Ya” by Wes Nelson and Yxng Bane at #46, “Your Love (9PM)” by ATB, Topic and A7S at #50, “Marea (We’ve Lost Dancing)” by Fred again.. and the Blessed Madonna at #51, “Ferrari Horses” by D-Block Europe featuring RAYE at #53, “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals at #57, “Seeing Green” by Nicki Minaj, Drake and Lil Wayne at #58 off of the debut, “All You Ever Wanted” by Rag’n’Bone Man at #61, “Martin & Gina” by Polo G at #63, “Leave the Door Open” by Silk Sonic at #64, “My Head & My Heart” by Ava Max at #65, Travis Scott’s remix of HVME’s remix of Travis Scott’s “Goosebumps” at #67, “Addicted” by Jorja Smith at #68, “Beautiful Mistakes” by Maroon 5 and Megan Thee Stallion at #70, “Sunshine (The Light)” by Fat Joe, DJ Khaled and Amorphous at #73, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi at #74 and finally “Believe Me” by Navos at #75. Phew.

Now what’s interesting is that we have nearly just as many gains, and they’re pretty unique, big surges in most cases, starting with “Cover Me in Sunshine” by P!nk and Willow Sage Heart at #52 thanks to the album boost that also prompted P!nk’s “All I Know So Far” to creep into the top 40 at #39, “Build a Bitch” by Bella Poarch at #32 off of the debut, “Starstruck” by Years & Years at #31 thanks to a bizarrely uncredited Kylie Minogue remix, “Little More Love” by AJ Tracey at #21, “Didn’t Know” by Tom Zanetti at #20, “Higher Power” by Coldplay at #19, “Black Hole” by Griff at #18, Majestic’s remix of Boney M.’s “Rasputin” at #16, “Good Without” by Mimi Webb soaring into the top 10 and hence becoming her first at #10, and Olivia Rodrigo getting her third thanks to the album boost as “deja vu” is at #4. I think that’s more than enough that needs to be said about music that was already on the chart last week, so welcome back to the part of this series where I get either increasingly frustrated or exhausted every time I have to list another song.

NEW ARRIVALS

#72 – “Life Goes On” – PS1 featuring Alex Hosking

Produced by PS1 and Mark Alston

So, what better way to start sixteen new arrivals? A generic piano-house club track, of course. PS1 is a New York DJ and for this track with a 90s-esque piano and synth melody, bassy drop and tight, bland percussion as well as oddly-mixed anonymous female vocals made to sound robotic regardless of genuine emotive performance, he’s enlisted Australian singer Alex Hosking as well as co-songwriting from hit-makers GOODBOYS, both of which make remarkably little difference to the fact that despite being a faux-inspirational club track, this song is incredibly joyless and flailing in as pathetic and one-note of a fashion as possible. Yes, that is one exhaustive sentence chugging on as long as possible, but there’s no better way to parallel this disposable garbage than that.

#71 – “What a Time” – Julia Michaels featuring Niall Horan

Produced by Ian Kirkpatrick and RKCB

Niall Horan coincidentally has two unrelated female-male duets debuting with him in this week. Thankfully, Julia Michaels only has the one track debuting, and for the love of God, I can’t even figure out why she has the one, as this is a track from a 2019 EP that flew massively under every radar except seemingly mine as whilst I have listened to this EP, I cannot remember for the life of me liking any of it besides “Anxiety”, which makes sense since Michaels is at best an uninteresting songwriter and at worst an insufferable vocal presence. Regardless, I’m going to assume the surge is due to TikTok or some kind of residual Niall Horan hype, whatever there is of that, and look at this song two years after the fact. Well, for what it’s worth, I appreciate the vaguely folkish guitar riff, even if it’s going to be drowned out immensely by Michaels’ approach to vocal takes, which is to put as little effort into that first take and then multi-track enough for it to sound listenable, particularly on that bizarrely unfitting chorus in which reminiscing on a wonderful, intimate time with your partner is demonstrated by rote piano chords, an awkward string swell and distant, reverb-drenched incoherency on the vocals. I guess I do like the switch in the final chorus as she changes “what a time” to “what a lie” to emphasise the bitterness of that break-up, but I don’t think that bitterness has to soak the entire master because this song is dripping in apathy that I just don’t have any time for personally in my pop power ballads. Wait, Niall Horan was on this song?

Eurovision Song Contest 2021

Whilst I may not do a special episode on this blog for the Eurovision Song Contest, I’d be lying if I didn’t confess to watching and enjoying it every year. This year’s, the first since 2019 for obvious reasons, was hosted in Rotterdam in the Netherlands and was won by an Italian rock band, with the United Kingdom infamously receiving zero points yet somehow more applause than Israel’s performance. Telling. It’s not all politics though, obviously: the reason songs win is not just the lighting, stage presence, vocal performance or grandiosity, but rather the songs themselves, or at least ostensibly so. The winner this year didn’t have the best of any of those factors in my opinion – no, not even the politics – so it’s clearly about a mixture of this success criteria. This year had some particularly good songs and the most consistency out of Eurovision in a while, naturally leading to quite a few new arrivals, also factored in by the charts being weak, so we essentially get an album bomb. Let’s pile up every new arrival related to Eurovision and talk somewhat more briefly about each song, starting with...

#66 – “Dark Side” – Blind Channel

Representing: FINLAND

The Finnish entry this year is one of two heavy rock entries, both of which charted, and this is a genre represented by about one country annually. There’s always a Gothic-influenced or industrial-esque band in the shortlist or national finals if not the semis and international final, but it doesn’t stop them from being some of the most interesting Eurovision contesters. It’s in English and came sixth with 301 points. Is it any good? Well, it’s far from bad with that pumping electronic groove before it’s crushed by metallic, distorted and rather ugly guitars that remind me of, if anything, scene-era nu metal and crunkcore, especially due to the clean and growling vocal dynamic. The song is still anthemic as all hell and if we ignore the dog barking and stuttering vocals, as well as the fact that these vocalists don’t have that much grit to their performance, we can appreciate the clamouring rock track this is, and I’d be lying if I said that final chorus isn’t pretty epic. Next!

#62 – “Voilá” – Barbara Pravi

Representing: FRANCE

The French entry this year is one my staunchly Italian nationalist online friend immediately had a distaste for, and as someone with British citizenship, I am also legally obliged to give this Worst of the Week. Sorry, Barbara but traditions are traditions. It’s in her native French and came second overall with 499 points. Is it any good? Well, like many French entries and French pop songs in general, it’s in a chanson style that adapts very well to the modern western art-pop sound, as Pravi’s cooing vocals are at full focus in the mix as they skate around more subtle pianos, wonderfully elegant strings and this wistful tone that may or may not make sense for the content. What? I’m not learning a word of French past what was grained into me during primary school. Overall, I think this is a pretty great song with a lot of that almost Bjork-esque swell especially in Pravi’s vocal performance that I think makes for a pretty excellent listen, especially by the time that abrupt finish hits. I’d probably prefer it being a bit less minimal and scattered so the hook hits harder but overall this is one of the best Eurovision entries this year. However, she is French so, next!

#59 – “SHUM” – Go_A

Representing: UKRAINE

The Ukrainian entry, always successful enough to get to the finals, was particularly hyped up prior due to its... eccentricity and ended up in fifth place with 364 points. It’s in their native Ukrainian so they might as well be garbling acid both verbally and as a written text, so I guess I have to judge it on the fact that this is pretty bonkers, with a charismatic and energetic vocal performance that yells over triumphant bassy horns perfectly blended with the 80s bass synths but not so much with those chirping flutes that, whilst cool on paper, kind of just give me a headache when faced against this thumping dance beat that remains decidedly strained for most of its runtime, and annoyingly so as it means the song never has that cathartic of a release, at least to me, but what drop it has ends up deconstructed and janky in something that might fit on PC Music but I’m not sure it does on Ukrainian Eurovision. This has something there, but I’m not into it. Sorry.

#47 – “Embers” – James Newman

REPRESENTING: United Kingdom

A catastrophic loss is British culture at Eurovision, and it’s not the first time in this century that we’ve gotten the infamous null points. James happens to be related to the more noteworthy John Newman, but that didn’t avoid a “nil points catastrophe”, coined by Jochan Embley, who reviewed the song for the Evening Standard and is now set in stone as an utter fool as his quote predicting that not to be the case this year is now forever preserved on the Wikipedia page for this very song. Nice one, Embley. We finished at twenty-sixth and Newman should honestly be glad this embarrassment is charting. The worst part of this whole ordeal is that the song’s actually fine and definitely representative of British pop music with its 90s-esque piano, bassy drop and anonymous vocal performance – if any of that sounds familiar – and I do love the plastic brass added here for the sake of bombast. It’s nothing interesting, and a tad too long considering how little it does with its musical premise, but it’s not worse than half of any given Eurovision. Maybe next year we submit a UK drill song, I’m sure that’ll get the people going. Tion Wayne, do you want to take a flight to Italy in 2022? Maybe bring Young Adz here while you’re at it; that could truly be a fascinatingly out of place Eurovision entry but at least one of these countries – probably Russia – would vote for it. As for now, at least this was funny to see absolutely bomb, and Graham Norton become increasingly hopeless for its success as the night went on.

#43 – “10 Years” – Daoi Freyr

REPRESENTING: Iceland

One part of this guy’s backing band tested positive for COVID-19 so they had to isolate and just show the dress rehearsal again but it didn’t stop them from charting and delivering a pretty damn unique entry, as Iceland is known for doing nowadays. It’s all in English and finished in fourth place with 378 points, and is it any good? Well, for one of the whitest concepts in television, this is the whitest song of this year’s entries, starting with some gentle violins before abruptly careening straight into this Daoi Freyr guy monotonously droning over bass-heavy nu-disco straight out of the 2000s with a level of irony balancing out whatever sincerity there is in the quasi-R&B breakdown, and, you know, it’s fun, at least? I do think the stage performance is remarkably more interesting than this funktronica mess in the studio, but this is catchy and inoffensive, two good ways to get people to care about your song in Eurovision, so it makes sense. Also,  that chiptune synth-solo borderline saves this song, even in all its brevity.

#17 – “ZITTI E BUONI” – Maneskin

REPRESENTING: Italy

So third place didn’t chart – sorry, Switzerland – but we do obviously get the winner charting as high as the top 20. The chart’s weak and the lead singer’s hot and probably does cocaine – it’s a recipe for success, especially when they probably have mafia connections and can threaten or buy their way into the charts. Unrealistic and possibly xenophobic stereotypes aside, this is the Italian entry and whilst I was personally gunning for Portugal, who came twelfth, I can see how this gathered 524 points, even if they had to censor the lyrics for the sake of the contest, not that I can tell because I do not know a lick of Italian. Sorry, Ignacio. Anyway, this song kicks ass and rather disrespectfully at that, as the lead singer breathily sings over garage rock-esque guitar licks and some pretty manic drumming that delivers not only a catchy hook but an undeniable groove, assisted by some slick rapping that comes out of the blue in the second verse and honestly fits the song – and the singer – a lot better than it has any right to. Congratulations, Italy – you’ll be paying out the ass for the next contest. Ciao!

Back to your regularly scheduled programming...

Well, that got a lot out of the way. Not all of it, though.

#60 – “Topshottas Freestyle” – Potter Payper

Produced by Chucks

Potter Payper is basically some guy from Barking, East London, and that’s all you need to sign a record deal with the same label that has Stormzy on payroll so that’s why he’s here. With that said, there’s something deeper here, or at least in the first few lines of this singular verse – without a chorus – in which Potter Payper narrates a street lifestyle, far too common for young working-class British men, retelling what is probably his truth about the consequences of ignoring motherly advices and finding yourself in a situation surrounded by gang violence, drug trafficking and all the paranoia that comes with it. Of course, he then brags about his wordplay, gunplay and fashion, and the rest of the verse just feels aimless with nothing exactly restraining the meandering checklist of clichés, and zilch returning it back to what I thought was going to be the point of the song. I guess this trap beat is okay but this same acoustic guitar and oddly-mastered bass is so common and uninteresting that I find it hard to care. I don’t have an issue with British music being Americanised as that’s just the result of musical evolution and the sharing of culture, but when the only way you can tell this isn’t from the States is the accent does make me question why this is charting amongst Dave and AJ Tracey instead of Lil Baby and Gunna.

#56 – “GANG GANG” – Polo G and Lil Wayne

Produced by Angelo Ferraro

Polo G, after just having the biggest hit of his career with the US #1 hit “RAPSTAR”, follows it up with a Lil Wayne collaboration and thanks to a busy and just misguided release date and timing, it makes a lot less noise than it should. It absolutely deserves that level of attention too, with its chopped-up borderline ambient melody that creates  a perfect foundation for this high-energy bass-heavy trap beat as well as Polo G delivering a lot more energy than on “RAPSTAR” (to the point where I think that’s the reason why his actually interesting songs don’t do as well). The chorus has a pretty great melodic switch-up by the end and whilst the flows are pretty rote, it’s hard to say they aren’t smoothly delivering all of the flexing and gunplay pretty typical of Polo G, and if anything that’s what it’s missing: an extra layer of depth, not that I care of course, because Lil Wayne’s on it. Wayne has been astonishingly great on features recently and this is one of his most impressive features to the point where I could barely write about it on first listen, with some of his slickest flow switches ever and whilst the content doesn’t get any more interesting than pouring his heart out for his lean, his pure charisma outshines anyone who could have been on this track and this means this ends up pretty excellent in terms of 2020s trap-rap. I don’t know when that Polo G album is coming but I hope it has more of this. Also, for the love of God, Wayne, keep this energy up for the next album. I’m begging you.

#42 – “SUN GOES DOWN” – Lil Nas X

Produced by Roy Lenzo, Omar Fedi and Take a Daytrip

As his follow up to “MONTERO”, we have a new, decidedly less sexual Lil Nas X hit debuting again surprisingly low on the chart considering the last single’s success, finally delivering in the musical department as for me, there’s a constant conflict between wanting to like Lil Nas as a character, performer and personality rather than actually enjoying any of the guy’s music. Last time I talked about Lil Nas, I did bring up the Pitchfork album review that questioned if he really liked music and whilst it’s funny, I do see how Lil Nas could have perhaps taken Pitchfork to heart as a result as he practically explains his love of popular music as a way for him to feel like he belonged in a community, which is especially meaningful for a man constantly left alienated because of his own mental health issues as a teenager and struggling to come to terms with his homosexuality, to the point of suicidal thoughts. I just love how the verse ends on a happy note where makes the leap of faith to come out and how now he’s proud of himself, he wants to make sure his fans are proud of him since they’re the people who got him there. For me, those last lines recontextualise the chorus as becoming less about contemplating death but more about ascending to a happier place and rejecting all your struggles that you’ve overcome. It helps that this is all sang pretty soulfully over an almost emo guitar melody with some basic flows but gorgeous multi-tracked vocal melodies accentuated by strings that elevate this song even higher, even if it seems underdeveloped. Sure, it doesn’t have that second verse, but does a victory lap need a re-over?

#38 – “Mask” – Dream

Produced by Perish Beats and Banrisk

Nope.

#22 – “Our Song” – Anne-Marie and Niall Horan

Produced by TMS

Okay, so this is a duet where two ex-lovers – only in the song – attempt to get over each other but end up hearing a song they held special to their relationship and all of the memories and pain comes flooding back. Without the youthful exuberance of Taylor Swift’s song of the same name, this duet should carry some bitterness and resentment but mostly capture a hesitant nostalgia... and despite being oddly Niall Horan-dominated, I guess it does that pretty effectively, or at least would if Niall wasn’t crushed by a misshapen trap beat that drowns this pathetically fluttering guitar loop into a mush that not even Anne-Marie can over-sell. Everything here is so utterly basic that it kind of screws itself over by trying for any energy or passion, and therefore kind of just doesn’t. I’m glad.

#9 – “Heartbreak Anthem” – Galantis, David Guetta and Little Mix

Produced by Bloodshy, Henrik Jonback, David Saint Fleur, Thom Bridges, David Guetta, Mike Hawkins, SONDR and Johnny Goldstein

It really speaks to the power of Little Mix that even with only three members and only one of them not expecting a child, they can bring Galantis back of all people. Although given that Galantis is already a duo, I fail to see why David Guetta needs to be here, and the same can go for any of the other seven credited producers of this song, which actually only includes one half of Galantis! I question if a song ever needs that many, despite the fact that in reality they probably contributed zilch to the song each, just enough to get a pay check. None of that should matter, however, if the song isn’t good and I’ll admit this is far from the worst that any of these guys have delivered, with a string melody and swell not unlike 2015-era house Galantis themselves made, and vocal deliveries from the girls that sound like they were located in vastly different locations from each other (to the point where anyone harmonising with Perrie sounds really awkward regardless of how many vocal manipulation effects you can put on them). For seven producers, that’s inexcusable, but as a song, it’s just a shallow post-break-up song that kind of feels like a dig towards Jesy if anything (although I hope it isn’t). I’m not a fan – I never was going to be – but it works for what it is as this colourful house jam, and not much else. This is Galantis’ first top 10 since 2016, by the way. Yeah, Little Mix are that big.

#7 – “traitor” – Olivia Rodrigo

Produced by Dan Nigro

It couldn’t have been “brutal”? Or “hope ur ok”? Okay, well, if we’re going to have the dullest track on the album bar one I guess we’ll go with the one that follows the “drivers license” formula to a T but without as much passion in the vocals, without as much interesting songwriting quirks and with a whole lot of rote fluff removed far from any indie-girl influence that undercuts what is essentially a teen-pop product. I’m not going to pretend I cannot get caught up in melodrama and embrace that, but this is a slog of a ballad with an almost sing-song, condescending vocal melody in that chorus, multi-tracked and studio-produced to rid her of any of that natural rasp she has when singing live. The song is about being annoyed by an ex finding someone new and the more toxic thoughts that come with being the ex-girlfriend in that situation, but with decidedly low stakes this time around that just make her more unlikeable than relatable. I’m sorry, I didn’t think that album was half-bad at all, but please don’t make this the post-release hit.

#3 – “Butter” – BTS

Produced by Ron Perry, Rob Grimaldi and Stephen Kirk

See, I value my personal information, and I don’t know about you but I’m as scared of these guys as I am Nicki Minaj stans, or Minecraft YouTuber stans, or serial killers, so whilst I doubt my platform is extensive enough to reach that level, I also know that these people are so online that they could easily find me somehow somewhere. With that said, just to clarify, when I say I wish I could “Nope” myself out of this one like I did with Dream because I have consistently little to say about this band, it’s not because I in any way dislike BTS or the band members within, or their record label that manages them and many other K-pop bands which I also do not dislike, or, because I’ve seen this happen, East Asians in general. Is that enough stalling to just say I don’t care about this basic pop fluff? When BTS are in Korean, their lyrics aren’t embarrassing and their production tends to be more experimental or at least catchier, more interesting. I like a fair few Korean BTS songs as a result but I just do not see the appeal in making another stiff, cleanly-produced 80s-esque funk-pop song with some chiptune synths that are admittedly kinda cool other than getting on US radio. There’s some interplay between the boys here but it just leads to a pretty homogenised track where none of them have enough personality to shine through, not even SUGA and RM on the tacked-on rap verse that so awkwardly ends. The synth solo sounds perfectly out of an era of dated 80s synths that I’m not sure anyone other than Bruno Mars actually had nostalgia for, and not even some pretty vocoder can save it. The writing is too clumsy, the production’s not equipped to handle it and there’s not much to speak of in terms of performance. I fear for my life when I say it but I think this is actually pretty bad.

Conclusion

Okay, so, we’re finally finished with this week and God, I’m glad, as there’s not that much quality here to speak of, although what is here is here in droves, so Best of the Week gladly goes to Polo G and Lil Wayne for “GANG GANG”, with “Sun Goes Down” by Lil Nas X following closely behind as an Honourable Mention. In terms of Worst of the Week, it doesn’t actually go to they who shall not or he who should not be named, instead going to the pathetic “Your Song” by Anne-Marie and Niall Horan, with a Dishonourable Mention going to BTS for “Butter”. It’s just “Dynamite” again but with considerably less reason to exist. Here’s this week’s top 10:

If I make it to next week, who knows what’s coming? This is a slower week – hopefully – and I don’t think black midi will chart, though it’d be comical, so I’ll hold off on predictions and just thank you for reading. See you next week!

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 06/03/2021 ("BED”, Digga D, Kali Uchis)

It’s finally a really short filler week on the UK Singles Chart but not one without its importance as we’ve got some real interesting stuff to talk about this week, even if there are only six new arrivals. Olivia Rodrigo’s “drivers license” is at #1, and whilst I may not be able to post this on Twitter because I’ve been locked out – don’t ask why – this is still REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

So, a lot of our debuts are gone, including “test drive” by Ariana Grande as well as other bigger hits dropping out of the UK Top 75 – which is what I cover – including “Burner on Deck” by Fredo featuring the late Pop Smoke and Young Adz, “i miss u” by Jax Jones and Au/Ra, Taylor Swift’s re-recorded “Love Story”, “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi, “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper and “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran. There are also a handful of fallers across the chart like Fredo’s continued drops as “Money Talks” with Dave is at #28, “Let’s Go Home Together” by Ella Henderson and Tom Grennan off of the debut to #34, “Love Not War (The Tampa Beat)” by Jason Derulo and Nuka at #36, “34+35” by Ariana Grande at #40, “Good Days” by SZA dropping hard with the streaming cut down to #46, “Mixed Emotions” by Abra Cadabra at #54, “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles at #60, “Didn’t Know” by Tom Zanetti off of the debut to #68, “Siberia” by Headie One featuring Burna Boy at #71 and “willow” by Taylor Swift at #72. What’s probably more interesting are our gains and returning entries, as for returns, we’ve got “ROCKSTAR” by DaBaby featuring Roddy RIcch back at #75, Wilkinson’s 2013 drum and bass track “Afterglow” featuring uncredited vocals from Becky Hill back at #74 for whatever reason, “Higher” by Clean Bandit featuring iann dior at #70 and “Goodbye” by Imanbek and Goodboys coming back strong at #59. Our gains are also pretty unique, as we have some second winds for “Looking for Me” by Paul Woolford, Diplo and Kareen Lomax at #67, “Loading” by Central Cee at #61 and “Roses” by SAINt JHN and remixed by Imanbek at #55. We also have a handful of climbers within the top 40, like “All You Ever Wanted” by Rag’n’Bone Man surging up to #33 off of the debut, which I’m pretty happy about as it’s a really good song. I’m less over the moon about “Little Bit of Love” by Tom Grennan at #27, “Believe Me” by Navos at #25 and finally, “My Head & My Heart” by Ava Max up to #19. There’s not much movement above that however, so let’s get into our new arrivals, starting with something I didn’t think I see here this soon.

NEW ARRIVALS

#65 – “SugarCrash!” – ElyOtto

Produced by ElyOtto

I love doing this show because I find out more about genres I’d usually tend to avoid. I’m not the most knowledgeable person about Afroswing or really, a lot of the house that ends up charting on the UK Singles Chart. I think I know my fair bit about at least the mainstream of a lot of the UK drill stuff, but what I really would consider myself somewhat specialised in is hyperpop. I’m probably too old to enjoy any of it as much as I do but that may just be why I have a connection to this overly online, digital scene of SoundCloud producers and rappers making pretty obnoxiously mid-2000s-influenced electropop, as it really does feel like a retreat to a simpler time with all of the angst of the emo-pop being made around the same time. The hyperpop scene and bubblegum bass as a whole has always felt inclusive, which I think is one of the main reasons why it’s big with teenagers nowadays, because there really isn’t much of a limit in the genre or at least the scope that we’ve found as of yet, whether it be integrating elements of ‘hexd’ or brostep or trance or what have you. Whilst companies may want us to be nostalgic for the 1990s, I think most people are taking a couple steps forward here, and it’s creating some genuinely great music – some of the time, at least. Hyperpop has birthed many SoundCloud-based sub-genres, or I guess micro-genres, including one of which being glitchcore, a glitchier, more off-the-wall brand of cloud rap with a lot of high-energy trap production and nightcore-esque pitch-shifting. I see some brands of infighting amongst people who listen to hyperpop and glitchcore seeing as glitchcore has arguably taken off a bit faster than other more electronic or pop-focused scenes, but I see that as evolution of a scene more than anything. 100 gecs sounds nothing like A.G. Cook, anyway, it’s pointless gate-keeping at this point, especially when TikTok gets their hands on this random kid from Canada. In a genre full of pioneers, this young Canadian guy’s debut single is what gains traction and for what it’s worth I’m happy for the guy but I’m not a fan of the song at all. This does feel like a parody if anything, with its fast-paced gecs impression and admittedly pretty ethereal synth patterns pretty drowned out by lightweight trap percussion and this ElyOtto guy who really isn’t a presence at all, especially if he’s going to pitch himself down and further into the instrumental on the outro... of a song that’s already only one minute and 20 seconds yet runs through two choruses and a verse, of which nothing really is said of substance. People like blackwinterwells and osquinn make similar music especially in terms of lyrical content but there is something to be said about their honesty and somewhat paranoid tones that creep in, whilst there’s nothing really emotionally convincing about this guy’s delivery or content, as while he may make the same semi-ironic references to self-harm, pain medication and Gen Z culture as they do, he doesn’t really have any tact and it feels overly self-aware to the point where I refuse to believe anyone outside of ElyOtto can really enjoy it fully. It makes perfect sense that this started off as a “short soundfont test” and really, it probably should have stayed that way. There’s a lot to be enjoyed in hyperpop but if this isn’t a satire and is a genuine attempt at approaching the scene, I’d be genuinely surprised. That said, his song “TEETH!” is legitimately good with the exact same length, so maybe I’m just full of it. Either way, I’m not a fan. Sorry.

#56 – “AP” – Pop Smoke

Produced by 808Melo and Rico Beats

Another posthumous Pop Smoke single, except this was actually recorded well before his death and probably finished before to boot, as it’s attached to a film, Boogie, that he will actually star in. With 808Melo on production, it’s guaranteed to have at least some hard-hitting drill production and, yeah, I mean, it’s fine. It’s got a pretty eerie vocal sample behind all the murderous lyrics and pretty busy drill percussion with some great 808s, even if it and the sample feels a bit too loud in the mix when Pop Smoke’s rich voice feels buried. It’s just gunplay, really, and a bit of flexing and references to his older songs, as he makes a call and it’s war and he’s off that Adderall. It’s sad that from now on, any material we get from Pop Smoke will be his leftovers and throwaways. That said, this is fine, perhaps a bit too long, and it could be worse – I mean, it originally leaked with a Rich the Kid verse, it REALLY could have been worse. Once again, RIP Pop Smoke and I hope 808Melo gets his YouTube channel back if he hasn’t already.

#50 – “Pierre” – Ryn Weaver

Produced by benny blanco, Ryan Tedder and Michael Angelakos

The UK Singles Chart is changing, and I think that’s what makes this such an interesting week as there is genuinely some stuff here we’ve never seen debut on the chart before – or anything like it – and that’s exciting to me. You probably know Ryn Weaver from “OctaHate”, a brief 2014 viral pop song written by Charli XCX and produced by Cashmere Cat that led to a debut album the next year and thanks to presumably TikTok, a deep cut from said album has now debuted in the top 50. Now I hadn’t heard of her before looking at the chart about an hour ago, so I can’t tell you much of anything at all about the California singer. I’m not really a fan of “OctaHate” but I do have a fondness for that janky electropop production from the mid-2010s – “Gold” by Kiiara is a hill I’d die on – so with production from Michael Angelakos of Passion Pit, I’d hoped “Pierre” would be pretty cool and, yeah, it’s pretty odd, actually. It seems like a pretty ballad but with a very fast-paced, raspy delivery from Weaver and some choppy production that soon tenses in the chorus and I’ve got to say, while I’m not 100% on the mixing, I can get behind the concept here, especially with some multi-tracked vocals from Weaver. The song itself is about trying to run away from her feelings for a lover that never really went away, particularly as she hooks up later with a man called Pierre who speaks in broken English, which gives a lot of reason for the tense pace of the song, even if that is undercut by the production being muddy and awfully willing to kill its momentum in the outro as there’s never really a proper climax. That said, it’s fitting for that final line, “I’ll come around”, which can be interpreted as about moving on or complacency – just coming back to that guy after years of searching for someone else. I do like this – or at least what it’s trying to do – but I feel like it’d enjoy it more with less clutter, particularly in that chorus, which could really elevate this but as it is, it’s fine.

#45 – “telepatía” – Kali Uchis

Produced by Albert Hype, Manuel Lara and Tainy

Okay, so alt-pop all the way from Latin America, that’s also a first... except not really, as ROSALÍA has charted before, if only off of the back of Billie Eilish. Regardless, this is a really high debut for a global hit from Colombian-American critical darling Kali Uchis, someone I’m always glad to hear from. Admittedly I did not check out that last project that was a return to a lot of the Latin American music, including reggaeton, she took early influence from. That debut studio album is mostly an English-language neo-soul record so I appreciate the risks taken, even if I personally didn’t check it out. I probably should though, because this bilingual streaming success “telepatía”, is pretty damn smooth with some of the signature fuzzy keys you’d hear from any Kali Uchis song, somewhat reminiscent of Tyler, The Creator in all of the elegant piano ambiance and soul drums that cut the line thin between live and programmed, but sound quite either way. I especially love the flushes of Latin guitar in the chorus but really, Uchis’ silky voice is what shines here, especially in the subtle, seductive double-tracking and how smoothly it switches from Spanish to English. It’s not perfect, I mean, the transition from chorus to second verse and back again is somewhat awkward, and it does feel like it runs a little short. I was honestly expecting a guitar solo or something but we get very little of anything after that final chorus. Given that I know Tainy mostly from his work with J Balvin – and I’ll admit, also mostly from his work on the Sponge on the Run soundtrack – I���m pretty pleasantly surprised with how this has meshed together and I do really hope this sticks around.

#23 – “Bluuwuu” – Digga D

Produced by Glvck

We didn’t get an album bomb from Digga D, bless the Lord, but we did get this one single and... do American rappers make genuine death threats on their top 40 singles? Just wondering, because this has several references to rival gang members and how he’s going to hurt them in one way or another. That would be fine if it were convincing, but this guy really isn’t, especially if he’s going to do the silly “bluuwuu” ad-lib in the chorus over one of the least interesting drill beats I’ve ever heard. The 808s don’t slide notably, the percussion is like a template and there isn’t any energy to this... which is fine, because it’s very much just about gang violence, half of it censored. That said, it crosses the line from intriguing detail to possibly too detailed in a way that’s just unwarranted over a boring beat and with the tendency to go off-topic with his flexing ever so often. I’d probably rather listen to the posthumous Pop Smoke single over this if I had to choose, at least that beat is, you know, good.

#20 – “BED” – Joel Corry, RAYE and David Guetta

Produced by Giorgio Tiunfort, New Levels, David Guetta and Joel Corry

I thought these guys were literally famous for just being producers, why does a song by two producers need two extra producers and if it really needs them, why aren’t they given a lead artist credit as well? Oh, right: name recognition, even though neither Corry or Guetta have ever made anything worth recognising. This song with RAYE, personality-void guest singer, relies on the line, “I got a bed, but I’d rather be in yours tonight”, because it’s a sex jam in one way or another, even though there are no stakes to that chorus line at all. Yes, I know RAYE has a bed; she probably sleeps very comfortably on it. She probably bought it from Premier Inn. Maybe they were having a sale. There’s no point in clarifying that you have a bed – in fact, a more interesting lyrical turn would to maybe bring some stakes into it by saying that RAYE does not in fact have a home, and the intimacy with unnamed man keeps her afloat in times of hardship. This is really just me stalling because this may be our highest debut but that does not mean it’s worth talking about. “BED” doesn’t really do much more than it’s supposed to. It’s got some vaguely 90s keys, fake hand-claps, a checked-out performance from RAYE and an anti-climactic deep house drop. Do you care? Does that description make you want to hear it? It’s not a negative critique, it’s an unbiased description of what happens. Are you intrigued with that? Do you want to check this out? This’ll go top 10 next week because of the music video, but God, this is just soulless, and that’s coming from someone who talks almost purely about the pop charts. I do like the post-chorus vocal melody for what it’s worth, but, yeah, no, I don’t care.

Conclusion

I don’t even care enough to give it Worst of the Week, as that’s going to “SugarCrash!” by ElyOtto with a Dishonourable Mention for Digga D’s “Bluuwuu”. Best of the Week should be obvious as Kali Uchis’ “telepatía” is the only good song here, but the Honourable Mention I guess goes to the late Pop Smoke for “AP”, even if that’s mostly because of 808Melo on the production. Here’s this week’s top 10:

I predict a lot will change next week, as we’ve got new songs from Justin Bieber, James Arthur, Bruno Mars (with Anderson .Paak!) and an EP from Drake... follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank if you want in the event that I can use that again, and I’ll see you next week for that snoozefest.

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 19/12/2020

Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” spends a second week at #1. It’s #1 in the States as well. We’ve got a week of Christmas music and a Taylor Swift album bomb so... God, let’s just get this over with. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

So let’s start as always with the drop-outs from the UK Top 75, which we have a few of but not as notable as the last few weeks, as the less interesting 2020 hits that just can’t leave the chart are slowly dropping off. We have some of the bigger hits like “Looking for Me” by Diplo, Paul Woodford and Kareen Lomax (Good song, by the way), “WAP” by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion, as well as some more recent and more moderate successes like “Princess Cuts” by Headie One featuring Young T & Bugsey, “i miss u” by Jax Jones and Au/Ra and “SO DONE” by The Kid LAROI. I can see this all rebounding after Christmas though, especially those last few. What I can’t see rebounding are the three Christmas songs that ironically dropped off from last week, particularly “Santa’s Coming for Us” by Sia which I do not remember being a top 20 hit. We do, of course, have some more fallers as well, like “34+35” by Ariana Grande at #14 and “Santa Tell Me” also by Ariana at #17 – not a good week for her, I suppose. I also find it funny that we have a couple Christmas songs that actually dropped places this week, not many of which are notable, but to give an example, due to three separate songs entering the top 10 this week, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Michael Bublé dropped five spots to #12. On the course of fallers, we also have “Midnight Sky” by Miley Cyrus at #22, “Therefore I Am” by Billie Eilish at #28, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #36, “Monster” by Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber at #44, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #48, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd at #50, “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring Don Toliver and NAV at #51, “you broke me first” by TateMcRae at #57 (the biggest fall this week), “Golden” by Harry Styles at #58, “Lonely” by Justin Bieber and benny blanco at #60, “Wonder” by Shawn Mendes at #63, “What You Know Bout Love” by the late Pop Smoke at #65, “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio at #69, “Sunflower (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)” by Post Malone and Swae Lee at #70 and “A Little Love” by Celeste at #74. Of course, we also have some notable returning entries and gains, those returning entries being “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by the Jackson 5 at #75 and “Baby it’s Cold Outside” by Adele Dazeem and Michael Bublé at #61. The most notable gains aren’t as plentiful this week because I feel like most songs, Christmas or not, are relatively stable if they’re not falling dramatically off the chart, so I’m not going to separate it into festive and non-festive tracks this time. We start off with “No Time for Tears” – the biggest climber this week – by Nathan Dawe and Little Mix up to #64, “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay at #43, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #32, and whilst that’s it for notably large gains, we do see “Whoopty” by CJ and “This Christmas” by Jess Glynne enter the top 10 at #10 and #9 respectively. Delightful. Well, we’re already done with the rundown – oddly quickly – so let’s get on with these new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#72 – “The Business” – Tiesto

Produced by Anton Rundberg and Tiesto

I have no time for umlauts. They’re simply not productive. Dutch DJ Tiesto has been at it for a while now and “The Business” is his new house-pop track with vocals from James Bell, probably propped up the chart by a remix with English DJ 220 KID. The original song charted though, so we’ll talk about that one and I do like the cold, bizarrely eerie strings for a song like this, even if the pitched-down vocals make it more comical than anything. The deep house groove here is cool but mostly cheap, especially whatever the hell those claps are. The bridge is aimless and James Bell gives a performance really not worthy of note. At least this has some essence of personality and artistic intent, unlike 220 KID’s usual output, who actually improves on the song by giving it more of a 90s Eurodance tinge, in my opinion at least. The 220 KID remix is a remix of a song that already felt like a remix though, so everything about this is unnatural and awkward, even for EDM.

#71 – “Cuddle Up, Cozy Down Christmas” – Dolly Parton and Michael Bublé

Produced by Kent Wells

The only time country music charts on the UK Singles Chart is when it’s barely country or Dolly Parton. Whilst a lot of country music is rarely appreciated out of the States, I feel like Dolly Parton is one of those singers that’s just universally loved. Michael Bublé on the other hand I have no patience for and I was dreading the time I’d have to review his songs again. The man made a career of off offensively inoffensive Christmas standards and his original music is painfully bad, so honestly, I’ll take it, but the man is clearly not interesting and whilst I understand why Dolly had him on her A Holly Dolly Christmas TV special in the vein of Mariah Carey’s this same year, I’m not excited to hear it. I’m not excited to talk about it either, because this is only vaguely country and is mostly just a jazz-adjacent traditional pop standard, except this is an original song. Neither Parton and Bublé have any chemistry, there’s a lot of empty space, and Bublé’s awkward attempts to add personality to what is and will always be a dull, painful slog of a track are just cringe worthy if anything. This song is barely about Christmas either or anything warm and intimate about cuddling up with family as I expected. It’s just the image of Dolly Parton banging Michael Bublé by the fireplace, and it goes on for about three minutes and 39 seconds too long. Next.

#66 – “Baby it’s Cold Outside” – Brett Eldredge featuring Meghan Trainor

Produced by Ron Mousey and Jay Newland

“Baby it’s Cold Outside” spews controversy nowadays, and whilst I never found a reason to be mad at what is clearly a dated but to me pretty innocuous and satirical Christmas standard, I never found a reason to like the song. Even the classic Dean Martin version is pretty much a slog, but that doesn’t mean I can stomach John Legend’s “politically correct” version either, which is probably the worst rendition I’ve heard, although Bublé’s is close. I don’t mind Tom Jones’ attempt, I guess. Regardless, this version from 2016 is by another country singer, but it did just chart because Meghan Trainor’s here. These two might have even less chemistry than Dolly and Bublé; at least they tried, whilst here despite the song being a back-and-forth, they seem to be on completely different ideas on how to tackle the song. Admittedly, I like this flat, jazzy rendition of the track fine but if anything Trainor is an inconvenience to my enjoyment of this lounge track. She shows off her vocal strength a bit too much for it to work until that awkward burst of energy at the end. Also, Brett Eldredge exists. How unfortunate. It may also be insensitive in retrospect, and maybe ironic, that the song ends with Eldredge warning her she might catch pneumonia if she went outside. Huh.

#55 – “Forever Young” – Becky Hill

Produced by Charlie Hugall

“Forever Young” by Alphaville is one of those classic 1980s synth-pop tracks that sounds so obviously 1980s but is far from dated, with the lyrics being a take on contemporaneous political issues covered in optimistic calls for action and gorgeous strings that undercut Marian Gold’s longing, belting delivery and of course, that horn section at the end that sadly fades out instead of coming to a genuine climax but would be brilliant either way. The song has a legacy indeed, and is continuously topical, being covered by One Direction, Kim Wilde and Imagine Dragons, and being sampled or interpolated by Dorian Electra, JAY-Z, Maroon 5 and even Tangerine Dream. The song has had so many reimaginings that it’s hard to imagine what new can be done with a classic track that didn’t really need much reworking in the first place... so naturally, Becky Hill made an acoustic cover for a McDonald’s commercial. It’s just her singing it vaguely competently over an unimaginative piano rendition of the original, but it does offend me in how it strips everything out of the original song to replace it with a vague orchestral swell and exhaustingly boring delivery from Becky Hill. Sure, the original song sounds cheaper now but if anything, this sounds even cheaper, with mixing drenched in reverb that makes everything sound a lot uglier than it’s supposed to. JAY-Z screwed “Forever Young” up to hell and back on his track with Mr Hudson but at least he rapped over it and had a bit of a sample flip, instead of just reciting the lyrics and chord structure without realising what made the song so biting and anthemic in the first place. This isn’t REVIEWING THE ADVERTS though, even though most of the time it ends up being, so I won’t bore you much longer with this.

#37 – “Show Out” – Kid Cudi, Skepta and Pop Smoke

Produced by Dot da Genius, Plain Pat, Heavy Mellow and Gravez

I knew this would be the highest-charting track from the Cudi album as soon as I saw the feature credit, but I didn’t expect it to be the only one charting. Regardless, I should probably talk about the album because I have listened to Man on the Moon III: The Chosen, Cudi’s highly-anticipated follow-up to his last two Man on the Moon records, both of which are pretty damn great, and this one isn’t far from it either. I liked it a fair bit and even if its derivative first few tracks means it gets off to a slow start, there are absolutely moments on this album where we see a classic Cudi matured and aged, and able to talk about mental health in shallow detail as always but from a perspective where we see a Scott Mescudi that has settled down and is happy with life. While it’s far from a perfect album, I won’t lie and say it wasn’t heart-warming to hear Cudi like this considering how much he’s struggled in his decade-long career, and it’s backed by great, psychedelic production as always. “Show Out” is a complete abandonment of all of that, acting as a shallow turn-up drill track with a massive posthumous hook from the late Pop Smoke’s booming voice, accompanied by an Auto-Tuned Cudi mumbling over gorgeous string samples, which don’t feel like they’re watered-down by the overwhelming drill beat and instead accentuated, which I think is missing from a lot of UK drill. It helps that Skepta is here to slide effortlessly in his verse. He’s selling out shows and shooting guns “the same size as Kevin Hart”, and whilst the verse feels a little short, he absolutely steals the show when he’s there. That’s not to say Cudi doesn’t spit endlessly on his verse, which is also fire, before an atmospheric bridge where, in the midst of the gang violence and hedonism, he calls out to God to ask what the cost of it is. It’s the one part of the song that makes it make any lick of sense in the context of the album, but it’s also the one part I’m never so sure on. It sounds pretty jarring between Cudi’s verse and the hook, and it’s not cathartic when Pop Smoke comes back in so I think it could have been better used as an outro if anything. Other than that, the song is still really hard-hitting and one of my favourites from Man on the Moon III. Songs like “The Void” and “Rockstar Knights” with Trippie Redd blow it out of the water though.

#19 – “no body, no crime” – Taylor Swift featuring HAIM

Produced by Taylor Swift and Aaron Dessner

As you probably know, Taylor Swift dropped a new album last week called Evermore, which is basically a much weaker collection of B-sides from the Folklore sessions. I’ll discuss my gripes with the album more as we get onto “willow”, so I’ll give some short individual reviews here. This is one of my favourite tracks on the record, mostly because of how it takes Taylor back to her country roots but in sharp contrast to the original bubblegum country-pop style she had on her first few albums, she and HAIM of all people perform a pretty convincing true crime story about a missing persons case that might just end up being a murder. With a catchy chorus, oddly eerie and menacing delivery from Taylor Swift that sounds determined and honestly kind of badass with those electric guitars in the post-chorus, as well as some descending melodies in the verses I admittedly love, this is one of the best tracks on the album without hesitation for me. It’s one of the few tracks on Evermore that feels like Swift’s storytelling, knacks for infectious choruses, and the more serious, rootsy acoustic guitar-based instrumentation, are in perfect harmony, even if it is a bit short and much like the rest of the album, it falls victim to the meandering nature of these songs and their aimless bridges or outros. Either way, it’s good. Check it out if you haven’t already. It’s cool to see HAIM back on the chart too, by the way.

#15 – “champagne problems” – Taylor Swift

Produced by Taylor Swift and Aaron Dessner

When I was listening to Kid Cudi, Avalanches and Taylor last Friday all in one session, I was constantly engaged even through the duller parts of the second half of We Will Always Love You or the most rote, derivative Travis Scott rip-offs present on Man on the Moon III. I was only awake for about three and a half hours when I first went through Evermore, but you know that feeling you get in your eyes when you start feeling tired or exhausted? Maybe that’s just a me thing, but “champagne problems” is that feeling when your eyes start to sore a bit and you start blinking a bit more. The storytelling isn’t as engaging as it usually is on this track, and although I do like the main narrative, it takes a detour and doesn’t decide whether it wants to focus on that or a vaguer metaphor about mental illness and how it’s affected Taylor as a celebrity. I care about that on Reputation but I do not give a damn when it’s presented with this uninteresting chasm of piano melodies and a really awkward, pointless outro, once again, that’s out-of-place if anything. I wish anything on Evermore was as good as “seven” but that’s wishful thinking. Anyway, let’s start rambling, because it’s the big-boy debut time now.

#3 – “willow” – Taylor Swift

Produced by Aaron Dessner

I have nothing to go off when judging Aaron Dessner’s production. He’s the frontman behind The National and he does contribute to the album vocally on one of the worst tracks but usually takes a backseat in production. On Folklore, although Dessner was still greatly involved, it felt a lot more varied and interesting from Taylor particularly, who went on unexpected songwriting angles and some melodies I genuinely love. I’m not a fan of the indie-folk direction for her – I think her style of writing and vocals actually fits better on pop tunes, which might be a hot take but I mean, my favourite album from her is Reputation so I’m full of those when it comes to Taylor. I can appreciate when it’s done well, though, and I like her storytelling abilities most of the time, unless of course the song itself is nothing to be interested in... and, I’m sorry, but half of Folklore was aggressively dull, particularly the back half, and I can barely make it through songs like “exile”. Maybe I just don’t “get” it, maybe I’m just not “listening hard enough”, or maybe, perhaps, I’m just not a fan of Taylor doing exactly what she usually doesn’t do on her albums, which is bore me. Say what you want about Red, 1989 or even Reputation, and ESPECIALLY Lover, but they take risks, intriguing ones at that and whether they’re successful or not is obviously up to listener’s interpretation, but regardless, it makes for a listen that is unpredictable and often fascinating. Lover is an absolute mess full of pretty mediocre attempts to do... well, anything, but it’s a better listen than Evermore out of sheer intrigue alone. It’s interesting to hear Taylor try all of these different musical ideas, whether it’s her trying obnoxious bubblegum-pop on “ME!”, ballads with the Dixie Chicks, 1980s-style synth-pop on “Getaway Car” and the majority of 1989, or even industrial-pop rapping on “...Ready for It?”. It’s not interesting to hear her make 16 quite similar songs and less than half of them have a unique flavour to them that makes the hour-long listen feel like you gained anything from it. It’s not just the album experience either that Folklore and Evermore lack, but it’s also the songs themselves, particularly in Evermore. Let’s look at “cardigan”, one of the best songs on Folklore, with Swift’s pretty low-key but emotive delivery, a noticeable and profound refrain, songwriting that evokes a pretty sweet metaphor and tells the start of a story that runs throughout the record in a way that can detach itself from the rest of the record, infectious choruses (even if they are cribbed somewhat from “Wildest Dreams”) and that subtle drum machine with pretty intricate percussion patterns covered by gorgeous string compositions, and a four-minute runtime that feels worth it, especially for that last chorus and verse, an effortless switch-up. Now let’s compare it to its equivalent lead single “willow”, a track with a checked-out Taylor singing pretty janky, awkward melodies over a cluttered mess of guitar strumming, with absolutely none of the very few ideas Taylor has musically actually succeeding. The song has to drop out entirely because Taylor and Dessner apparently can’t handle the three over-lapping ideas just in the first two verses and choruses, and whilst it still has that switch-up for the third verse/bridge, it does not feel worth it because there is another, over-long chorus with no lyrical adjustments to the hook that made the subtleties in “cardigan” so special. The song is 20 seconds or so shorter than “cardigan” but feels a lot longer because of how directionless the outro is, and none of it feels like anything other than a pretty folk-pop tune (which is barely qualifies as anyway because of how ugly these acoustics are, and how meandering Taylor’s cadence is throughout). She tries out the chorus with and without the falsetto for no reason other than to extend the song by the end and it makes effectively no change to how the chorus feels like it’s delivered. I’ll give “willow” credit that it’s listenable and a lot less boring than other tracks on Evermore but I can’t see this as anything more than a failed attempt that should be met with a “game over, try again” screen. I’d accept the musical chaos of misshapen ideas if I ever felt it was genuinely warranted. On Evermore, nothing Taylor does is what the audience deserves accompanying – or maybe even improving on – Folklore. Sorry.

Conclusion

Yeah, “no body, no crime” by Taylor Swift featuring HAIM takes the Best of the Week, but it was a toss-up between her and Kid Cudi, who gets the Honourable Mention for “Show Out” with Skepta and Pop Smoke. For the Worst of the Week, it’s really picking your poison between sickly Christmas duets, but I’ll ignore them and give it to Becky Hill for absolutely butchering “Forever Young”, with a Dishonourable Mention also going to Taylor Swift and “willow”. Here’s the top 10 for this week:

You can follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more ramblings and Taylor Swift hot takes, if you’d want to see that. I won’t post another episode before the 25th so, if you’re reading this, merry Christmas, everyone, and I’ll see you on Boxing Day!

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 10th February 2019

Nothing happened, at all.

Top 10

For its third week, Ariana Grande is at the top spot of the UK Singles Chart with her single “7 rings”, from the recently released thank u, next album – which I personally think was pretty mediocre. Regardless, I don’t see this going anywhere, especially since nothing happened.

“Sweet but Psycho” is staying still, with Ava Max’s song still at number-two.

Similarly at number-three, “Dancing with a Stranger” by Sam Smith and Normani doesn’t move from last week.

Neither does Calvin Harris’ and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man’s “Giant” for that matter at number-four.

Finally, some movement – up two spots is Mabel’s “Don’t Call Me Up”, at number-five.

This means “Wow.” by Post Malone is down a spot to number-six.

Now, our first new arrival, as Billie Eilish debuts at number-seven with “bury a friend”, becoming her first top 10 hit in the UK, and her second Top 40. We’ll talk more about it later, but I’m impressed by how she’s been able to debut this high; definitely shows that new album will do big numbers.

“Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” by Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus falls down two spaces to number-eight.

At number-nine, up a spot from last week is Lewis Capaldi’s “Someone You Loved”

Also down two spaces is Post Malone and Swae Lee’s Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse soundtrack cut, “Sunflower”, now at #10, slowly making its way off the charts.

FEATURED SINGLE: “Kids Turned Out Fine” – A$AP Rocky

Now, to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming is Featured Single, the segment where we look at a great song that is getting a single push of some kind but isn’t charting and spread some light on it briefly. Now this song in particular just got a really high-budget music video that combined some of its elements with Rocky’s other song “Changes”, which is all flashy but otherwise kind of unremarkable – but the song itself is great. There’s a catchy, psychedelic guitar sample that starts it all off, showered by scattered vocal samples and seemingly field recordings of playgrounds, before it switches to a slick trap beat that Rocky croons over, before everything slowly gets pitched down and slowed down as he mentions the drugs on his mind as a teenager, who is curious about venturing into substance use without caring about the consequences, and man, does it feel like it. This is psychedelic and confusing, once Rocky starts spitting and the bass actually appears, it just kind of explodes with only distorted guitar to accompany it, before a couple random “Yeah! Yeah!” ad-libs that cut it back to the beat as it was, and the verse continues normally as if nothing happened. Yeah, the album this is from, TESTING, is kind of like that, all of the time. Some of my favourite songs are trippy, chaotic messes, with moments like that random Diddy skit on “Tony Tone” about how he said something while her kids were listening that was vulgar, I suppose, that just cuts the song entirely and the transitions aren’t smooth, it’s just a miniscule interlude that takes place for no reason other than experimentation, and honestly despite lacking substance (Ironically), I love this song (Even though it is just vibe and nothing else, really) and how smooth it is in its controlled chaos, definitely one of the calmer moments on TESTING, but I can never see it being a hit, ever, despite how nothing happened. I think “Brotha Man” with French Montana, Snoop Dogg and Frank Ocean could have a better chance, perhaps “OG Beeper” with BlocBoy JB at a stretch. So let’s just get to the Climbers, Fallers and such.

Climbers

Did I mention nothing happened? This week was so dry and slow that Pinkfong rebounded with “Baby Shark”, up another five spaces to #19. That’s sad. It is alongside Kehlani and Ty Dolla $ign though, as “Nights Like This” is up 10 spaces from last week to #30, which is good because this is a pretty great song from two great artists, one of which I’m pretty sure is also serving 15 years in prison for cocaine possession. Yeah, okay, let’s get to the fallers.

Fallers

Now there’s a couple more here, to an extent. As expected, J. Cole’s “MIDDLE CHILD” is down five spaces to #14 – without a music video I don’t think this is a great lead single, sorry, Cole, I am excited for your next album but this song’s pretty boring. “Lost in the Fire” by Gesaffelstein and the Weeknd is down five spaces to #24, next to former #1 “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande down six spaces to #28 (This will rebound though, the album’s out now), while “18HUNNA” by Headie One and Dave is down nine spaces to #32. That’s it, though.

Dropouts

“Baby” by Clean Bandit, Marina and Luis Fonsi is out from #29 (That’s been kind of a flop overall, I’m just surprised it lasted this long), while other than that, we have “Comfortable” by Yungen and Dappy out from #32, “Think About Us” by Little Mix featuring Ty Dolla $ign out from #34 and 15 years in prison for cocaine possession, “Psych Out!” by AJ Tracey out from #36 (I guess the album didn’t do all too well?), “Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes out from #37, and surprisingly due to recent circumstances, “Advice” by Cadet and Deno Driz out from #39. Rest in peace to Cadet – tragic he died so young in a car accident, and just in his prime time to release more material, sucks that his life was cut short at this point in time, and we only have limited music from the guy, he was only 25. On a lighter note:

Returning Entries

Actually, this isn’t a lighter note at all, this song sucks. “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi is back at #40 (Who cares?). Maybe the new arrivals will be better, there’s four of them so there’s got to be something good there.

NEW ARRIVALS

#39 – “i’m so tired...” – LAUV and Troye Sivan

So, uh, LAUV’s back with another song, huh? I thought he’d end up a complete one-hit wonder but I suppose he’s attempting that second hit, and you know what, I’m not complaining, I loved his last one (More on that when I post my best list; it’s concerningly high). Troye Sivan is okay, I guess, none of his stuff except perhaps “My My My!” has really grown on me all too much though. Sigh, what do these boring pop dudes have to say? That they’re sick of love songs? That all these fairy tales are full of it? That if they hear one more stupid love song, they’ll be sick? That they’re at a payphone trying to call home? Yeah, alright, enough playing around. This is LAUV’s first ever Top 40 hit in the UK (Congratulations) and Troye Sivan’s fourth, and is it good? Well, I can agree with the title’s message on the surface, I guess. Not that I’m tired of love songs, I’m just tired. The song itself? I mean, it is generic, but it’s quicker-paced than his last hit, and it seems to have some more energy, but that guitar strumming just kind of gets on my nerves, same with that mind-numbingly repetitive hook. There is a lot of genuine groove in the production though, especially the janky percussion, and Troye Sivan’s melodies are sonically sound. I can see this growing on me like LAUV has succeeded in before, but I could equally see myself hating this after hearing it more than five times (Because you know the radio will play the most bottom of the barrel stuff after the rise of trap-rap). It’s okay, I guess. Next.

#36 – “a lot” – 21 Savage featuring J. Cole

It’s about time this appeared, and I know exactly why. Back in late December, 21 Savage dropped his album as pretty much a Christmas present, with i am > i was being slightly inconsistent but there’s still a lot of quality there, and fun to be had, especially with the powerful opening track. Now that there’s a music video and now that 21 Savage has been detained by ICE for overstaying his Visa (Apparently he’s actually from the UK, but he’s been freed now), I can only see this rising from now on, and that’s good because it was going to be my Featured Single for this week if it didn’t appear. This song is fantastic, all three versions of it. It starts with a few different 21 Savages just repeating ad-libs while that great soul sample croons in the background of the trap skitters, “I love you for so many reasons, I love you for all seasons”. The bass hits behind 21’s insanely catchy hook with that multi-tracked, “A lot” playing after every line, until 21’s verse, which gets fittingly, broken down, for an unidentified sample to repeat, “I break it on down”, with random vocal samples and sound effects playing in between. While 21’s meaningful subject matter is arguably more important, and the section is totally filler, I love those little touches that show the layers of the production. 21 is essentially playing the underdog who’s seen and been through traumatic gang violence and experiences with women, who has still succeeded. But then you hear J. Cole drunkenly and tiredly say, “Yeah”, before going on a ramble about how 21 Savage had his kids in the studio or something, I don’t know, and then he goes off.

Some n****s make millions, other n****s make memes

Yeah, it may seem like I hate J. Cole’s guts from how all his charting stuff is really boring and always gets negative reviews from me, but he’s definitely one of the best rappers out when he really wants to bother. This whole verse is essentially a complete ramble, but he did warn us, although he does keep a general theme in his rapid flow and charismatic yet calm delivery, which is how the new-wave rappers and overall new-wave black society in the modern Internet age should have more guidance, and now that the older legends in that society are getting older and more mature, much like 21, he feels they should have more responsibility and that he feels bad for the even newer, younger wave of SoundCloud rappers who will regret all their decisions, including 6ix9ine, who I may add he doesn’t defend – he just feels bad for him as he knows at some point, Tekashi’s going to look back at what he did and ask himself, “Was it worth it getting myself into prison for essentially life?” I wonder if Ty Dolla $ign is thinking that while he’s serving 15 years for cocaine possession. 21’s alternate verse on the physical, live and music video versions also discusses people getting blocked at the border, and that families in ghettos still don’t even seem to have a right to clean water and are constantly stuck in financial situations and struggles with no way to escape, and it honestly seems like an anthem for 21, who’s gone through all this, with his verses combined probably being better than Cole’s, honestly. This song is like six minutes (At least the best version of the song is) so I’m surprised it’s gone this far, but it deserves it. Check this out if you haven’t already.

#15 – “All I Ever Wanted” – Fredo featuring Dave

Now, back to some British stuff. Fredo and Dave are close friends, and honestly the chocolate frog and its mundanely-named partner are people I initially was just confused by, and you can tell during my review of “Funky Friday” months ago, which is a song I know oddly admire and adore for all its odd quirks. I didn’t think it was anything special at the time, but it’s slowly become one of my favourite songs of the past year. After listening to more stuff, though, as more from both has crept up on the charts, I’ve started to love them both, and seeing as this is the only song to enter the top 40 from the three Fredo album tracks entering on the top 100 this week from his album Third Avenue (That I’ll check out immediately after this episode), this is of course the one that left the most impressions on listeners. I’m really into British rap, especially the trap and the more low-key, soul and R&B stuff (Check out Tom Misch, he has some beautiful songs like “Good to be Home” and “Movie”, in fact the Free Form official Spotify playlist has some fantastic British hip hop, listen to some of it if you can and give these guys support), so hopefully this’ll be good, and, yeah, it is. It starts with a glittering piano and twinkling leads that are cheap but definitely symphonic and almost video game-like, with producer tags ham-fistedly appearing as the bass slowly creeps ominously. In fact, the whole song is really ominous as even when the hi-hats come in, there’s no real bounce and Fredo just yells at us. It’s pretty intimidating, and when the beat finally drops, we have that classic stock “Oh!” sound you hear in songs like “Leave Me Alone” by Flipp Dinero, “Dilemma” by Nelly and “3500” by Travis Scott, but here it has so much reverb that any other voice than Fredo’s troubled gang mindset feels distant. Dave is great here, referencing... Lil Baby of all people, with a more stable and serious flow, mentioning the people close to him who he’s lost to both prison and death, in a really long and fantastic verse. The emotionless vibe of this track makes it so much more full of emotion, and although it sounds slightly dated in its production, this is a dark and menacing yet almost sombre banger, pretty similar to one of Dave’s other songs, “Hangman”, and definitely deserves to be Dave’s sixth top 40 hit and Fredo’s fourth.

#7 – “bury a friend” – Billie Eilish

I’ve heard two other songs from Billie Eilish in full, and I love both of them; “when the party’s over” is a genius piece of songwriting from her brother Finneas, and “lovely” is a beautiful ballad with Khalid. Those were slow, minimalistic piano-lead songs, though, so what happens when she lends her voice to, uh... industrial funk? Yeah, this one is bouncier and this one is more danceable, and that’s why it debuted this high, especially with Eilish’s hype at an all time high right now, not because some British rapper cameos in literally less than one second at the start of the song. His name is Crooks, and I figured he would have an uncredited rap verse when I saw it had additional vocals from him,  but it’s literally just him whispering, “Billie”, and a couple ad-libs. Eh, okay, but how does the music stack up? It’s brilliant, of course. With Kanye’s “Black Skinhead” as a point of reference, the minimalistic 808s and claps only accompany Billie’s multi-tracked and pitch-shifted vocals, before the verse starts and sound effects are scattered everywhere, with pained shrieks, glass shattering and moans adding to the lyrics. Seriously, I love little details where musical elements actually relate to the lyrics directly, but then that bass hits slowly and that one 808 just keeps going on with a shrill synth, and then it just ends entirely, pretty abruptly. This song is eerie and honestly pretty scary, and Crooks’ ad-libs and backing vocals contribute to that greatly. Eilish’s sing-songy melodies make it even weirder, even, making the song feel like a possessed toy box. That intense moment where it’s just that ear-piercing synth and the 808 is such an interesting musical moment, man, this is pop brilliance. It’s creepy art pop not designed to be an indie darling, but designed for the radio (This is insanely catchy as well) and that hits a soft spot for me. The best art is made for mass consumption. That new album’s coming in March by the way, and I’m incredibly excited.

Conclusion

That was a really freaking good week, actually, so I’m only having to force Worst of the Week out on LAUV and Troye Sivan for “i’m so tired...” (The song’s not even close to bad, it’s just my only option), with Best of the Week going to Billie Eilish again for “bury a friend”. Tied Honourable Mentions go to the equally amazing yet only somewhat flawed songs, with 21 Savage, J. Cole, Fredo and Dave all picking them up for “a lot” and “All I Ever Wanted”, respectively. See ya next week, but it won’t top this.

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 4th November 2018

New episode right on time for once, and it’s actually a pretty short week; there’s not much to really talk about here at all. In fact, there are only three new arrivals to review, and nothing all that important happened in between, so let’s just get straight into the top 10.

Top 10

At number-one for the second consecutive week is “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper off the A Star is Born soundtrack.

At number-two, thanks to the video which I thought would make it zoom straight by “Shallow” and make an easy play to the top (not saying I like the song or video, either, but these girls are insanely popular over here), we have “Woman Like Me” by Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj, up four spots.

“Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith is down a space to number-four.

“Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo is surprisingly holding on here, with only a one-position drop to number-four.

“Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille gets the same fate down to number-five.

At number-six, we have exactly the same drop for “Let You Love Me” by Rita Ora.

To my surprise and dismay, it seems that the top 5 will have a new entry soon, as “ZEZE” by Kodak Black, Travis Scott and Offset continues to rise a spot to number-seven.

And of course, just as I said it was on its way out last week, “On My Mind” by Dynoro and Gigi D’Agostino rebounds two positions up to number-eight. Joy.

Speaking of joy, I am very glad “Lost Without You” by Freya Ridings is returning to the top 10, up four spaces to numer-nine.

And finally, “Electricity” by Silk City and Dua Lipa is down only one spot to #10, rounding off the top 10 very nicely.

Climbers

This might be a short episode, most likely, because there isn’t much of anything, and the charts are showing it pretty evidently, actually, simply because of the lack of quality between all these songs in the top 40. A lot of it isn’t all that bad either, just not worth remembering. Might as well talk about the two new top 20 entries: “Thursday” by Jess Glynne is up five to #18, becoming her eleventh top 20 hit in the UK (it will boost again due to an acoustic rendition duet with Ed Sheeran), while “Taki Taki” by DJ Snake featuring Ozuna, Cardi B and Selena Gomez is up two spaces to #20 – this is DJ Snake’s fourth top 20 (and first since 2016), I believe Ozuna’s first ever (congratulations, even though judging on his awful performance on this song he probably doesn’t deserve it), Cardi B’s fourth and Selena Gomez’s ninth (eighth without the Scene).

Other big or notable climbers include: nothing. Oof.

Fallers

There were tons and I mean tons of fallers this week, but they were all so small, unimportant and easily ignorable, with only two really standing out. Those notable fallers were “High Hopes” by Panic! at the Disco falling five spaces to #24 (sadly, I really wanted this to break the top 10), and “Venom” by Eminem falling 10 spaces to #38, as the movie hype, and Eminem’s resurgence, steadily come to a halt.

Dropouts

“Thunderclouds” by LSD (Labrinth, Sia and Diplo) is out from #34 after a pretty dismissible run, “nASSty” by D-Block Europe and Lil Pino is out from its new arrival last week at #35 and “Falling Down” by the late Lil Peep and XXXTENTACION is finally out from #40.

Since there aren’t any returning entries, let’s discuss some promising or interesting happenings from outside the top 40 – “Lost in Japan” by Shawn Mendes is having some incredible boosts (currently at #45) due to a Zedd remix, so to see it coming back would be great – I love that song to death. Due to the film, Bohemian Rhapsody, the song it’s named after, “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, is back at #53. “1999” by Charli XCX and Troye Sivan is also gaining traction, as it’s currently at #59, and I’d love to see Charli come back to the top 40, same with Troye. “Thriller” by Michael Jackson has returned to #63 due to Halloween, yet surprisingly not “Somebody’s Watching Me”. Oh, and “Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes has finally made it to the UK at #68, and I want to see this find its way to the top 40 fast. I’ll tell you why if it doesn’t in 2019, probably, as there’s no question it’s making my year-end list if it doesn’t make Billboard’s 2018 list.

NEW ARRIVALS

#36 – “Close to Me” – Ellie Goulding and Diplo featuring Swae Lee

Hey, Ellie Goulding, that’s a familiar face to the UK Top 40 I’ve never actually talked about before. Well, this is her comeback single with Diplo and Swae Lee, and, naturally, it’s hit the UK Top 40 because Goulding’s a superstar, but lower than I expected to be perfectly honest. Nevertheless, this is Goulding’s 21st UK Top 40 hit (which is insane), Diplo’s eleventh (fourth as a solo artist, but he’s had God knows how many frolicking in the production and writing credits) and Swae Lee’s fourth (third as a solo artist – and this won’t be the last we see of him today). Is it able to compare with the artists’ other work, which has been mostly, for the record, pretty great? Well, kind of. I do love that guitar riff that starts off the song, picking up the pace only to be kind of trapped by Ellie’s lack of real vocal presence that she usually has (seriously, she feels like she’s not really bothering here), as well as the drippy synth in the verse and trap percussion (of course) that doesn’t really add much to make the chorus any more interesting than it is (not at all). The melody is uninspired and repetitive, and Swae Lee is still struggling to straddle the line between popstar duet and guest rap verse. That synth added right before the basically non-existent bridge is also pretty ugly, actually. Yeah, there’s not much to be redeemed with this song, and is just kind of a waste of time, in my opinion. I can easily see someone else liking this a lot though.

#34 – “when the party’s over” – Billie Eilish

Well, Eilish, funny seeing you in the top 40. Took a while. She’s had songs bubbling beneath the top 40 in both the UK and US for a while after being a bit of a young indie darling for a year or so, and after that “lovely” song with Khalid from the 13 Reasons Why soundtrack, this new song, “when the party’s over”, seems to be set to blow up, giving her new peaks on charts in the US, Austria, Canada and especially New Zealand, where it hit a peak of #3! This is Eilish’s first ever UK Top 40 hit, and it’s no surprise that I’ve heard only good things before hearing a single song from hers. We start with an ominous, intriguing synth that is then drowned out by lighter cloudy synths following Eilish’s beautiful (at times multi-tracked) vocal melody, until the deep bass kicks in for the catchy hook, with extra additions of piano to make it sound even prettier. Oh, and there’s these pitched-down, feedback-ish backing vocals (assumingly from producer FINNEAS) which sound really great. Eilish’s vocals here are really delicate, working incredibly effectively with the song, which, yes, never actually has any percussion kick in, which is a risky move for a pop song (most likely because she never intended it to hit any charts in the first place). After this and “lovely”, I have my ears out for her next project because this is freaking fantastic.

Now let’s tune down our expectations accordingly.

#14 – “Arms Around You” – XXXTENTACION, Lil Pump, Maluma and Swae Lee, with an honourable credit to Rio Santana

Okay when I ramble on about how it sucks XXXTENTACION is being posthumously milked, I’m not defending the dude or his actions, I’m just saying it’s pretty crummy for a record label to be doing this type of stuff with someone who’s dead and can’t refuse this type of tampering with his unreleased content. This song was initially written and performed with Rio Santana, planned to be on either Rio’s EP or X’s album ?, before it was replaced with another song featuring Rio, “I don’t even speak spanish lol” (yes, that’s really what it’s called), that also had vocals from Judah and Carlos Andrez. After X’s death, Lil Pump reached out to his mother to ask if he could honour his death by being on the song (which is completely in the right intentions, I may add), and then Swae Lee hopped on the track after what is seemingly a label decision. I can realistically see Swae being a fan of X prior to his death, so I’m not going to whine about that, but bloody Maluma? The dude probably didn’t know he existed, for goodness’ sake. Oh, and we’re getting Skrillex on the beat? XXXTENTACION, Lil Pump, Swae Lee, Maluma and Skrillex; what a star-powered mess. Anyways, this is X’s fourth UK top 20 hit, Lil Pump’s second, what I believe to be Maluma’s first (congratulations, I guess), and Swae Lee’s fifth (fourth as a solo artist). Is the song worth all the controversy and all the label frickery? Yeah, probably not, because it’s trash. This bland, Latin-infected pathetic attempt at producing a 2018 pop song is pretty trite, with some ironic and nasally-performed lines from X about protecting his girl (ha) starting off the song, before developing into an admittedly pretty great verse from Lil Pump, demonstrating both a fast flow and some falsetto singing, although without much content to speak of but that’s expected. Not even Swae Lee’s badly-autotuned verse going in one ear and out the other. Maluma sucks too, what a surprise. I’d rather just not talk about this song and leave it here.

Conclusion

Worst of the Week goes to XXXTENTACION, Lil Pump, Maluma, Swae Lee, Rio Santana, Skrillex, Mally Mall and that tire fire of popular artists for “Arms Around You”, definitely, that’s worst-list material, whilst Best of the Week goes to Billie Eilish for “when the party’s over” – that’s a pretty great song. See ya next week!

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 26th August 2018

There are many, and I mean many, new arrivals this week so let’s just get on with it, I’ll try to keep everything brief.

Top 10

“Shotgun” by George Ezra stays steady at the top, as does its runner-up.

Yep, “In My Feelings” by Drake featuring City Girls is a non-mover as it stays at number-two.

“Eastside” by benny blanco, Khalid and Halsey, on the other hand, is moving up a spot straight to number-three. I’m legitimately surprised at how quickly this is increasing, but I really doubt this is going anywhere higher than here.

Oh, and we have our first of two top 10 debuts this week, with “Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith entering the charts at number-four, which would be impressive if it weren’t Calvin Harris and Sam Smith, who do stuff like this all the time.

I am happy that Loud Luxury and brando’s “Body” is entering the top five here, as it ascends a spot to number-five. The song’s really growing on me.

“God is a woman” by Ariana Grande takes advantage of the Sweetener album release and increases by six spaces to number-six. Not complaining at all, I like this song.

“No Brainer”, meanwhile, by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber, Quavo and Chance the Rapper, has fell hard, four spots to number-seven.

Oh, and you know how a lot of artists stylise their songs in different ways? Well, Ariana Grande did that with every track from Sweetener (except one or two exceptions) and yeah, especially with the exceptions, it looks so unprofessional and lazy. I bring this up because the next song is called “breathin” and it’s by Ariana Grande featuring ILYA, debuting at number-eight. Come on, guys, your song title looks like a text message. At least it’s not in the same route as Aphex Twin or Lil Yachty, and their messy tracklists.

“Girls Like You” by Maroon 5 featuring Cardi B has not moved at number-nine.

Neither has “Taste” by Tyga featuring Offset, still barely clenching on at number-ten.

Climbers

There’s one. Literally one song has climbed by any notable amount. Other than one song, the biggest we have outside of the top 10 is by three spaces, so, yeah, the 14-spot climber, and the only climber worth talking about, is “Don’t Leave Me Alone” by David Guetta featuring Anne-Marie, now at #23, which I’m not necessarily bothered about at all.

Fallers

Now here is where it’s at. Let’s talk about all the relatively notable fallers, sorted by genre.

Starting with pop, we have “Youngblood” down eight positions to #15, while “If You’re Over Me” by Years & Years is down four spots to #33 and “2002” by Anne-Marie is down five spaces to #37.

EDM really suffered this week, though, as Jonas Blue’s “Rise” featuring Jack & Jack has descended 12 spaces to #17, Tiesto and Dzeko’s “Jackie Chan” featuring Preme and Post Malone is down a whopping 16 spots to #24, while Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa’s “One Kiss” slogs down six spaces to #28, right next to “Ocean” by Martin Garrix featuring Khalid, down four to #29.

Hip-hop and R&B had tough drops as well, hell, you could argue, they struggled even more. “Don’t Matter to Me” by Drake featuring Michael Jackson jumps down nine spots to #27, as Drake’s other track “Nonstop” has stopped gaining any traction down four spots to #30, while ZieZie’s “Fine Girl” is down five to #35, as Nicki Minaj’s “Bed” featuring Ariana Grande absolutely collapses by a whopping 16 positions straight to #39, ironically a spot away from #40, which has its spot taken by “I Like It” by Cardi B featuring Bad Bunny and J Balvin, down nine spaces from last week.

Dropouts

Usually, when there are a lot of losers, there come a lot of songs dropping out of the charts as well, and it’s not any different this week, as “Better Now” by Post Malone is just forced out of the charts from #16, with “STARGAZING” by Travis Scott closely following from #27. “This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble is also out from #39, joining another soundtrack single from Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, “When I Kissed the Teacher”, out from #40. The absolutely wretched “Barbie Dreams” by Nicki Minaj is out from #36, while “First Time” by M-22 featuring Medina is also pushed out from only #24. Wow, it was a massacre in terms of losers and drop-outs, probably due to the immense amount of new arrivals, despite a surprising lack of returning entries from the late Aretha Franklin, and any at all, for that matter.

The Ed Sheeran Update

Where’s Ed Sheeran, you ask? Well, “Perfect” hasn’t moved from #61 and “Shape of You” is down four spots to #80.

NEW ARRIVALS

Alright, I’ll try and keep all entries of a decent yet not extensive length, especially since there are freaking seven of these to talk about.

#36 – “In My Mind” – Dynoro and Gigi D’Agostino

So, from what I can gather, Dynoro is a mysterious UK producer who just recently made his breakthrough with this mash-up. Yeah, this is a remix, I suppose, but this is borderline mash-up as it not-so-subtly intertwines elements from both the 2012 track “In My Mind” by Ivan Gough, Feenixpawl and Georgi Kay and the hook of the song “L’amour toujours”, a song released in 2000 by Italian DJ Gigi D’Agostino, which was a smash hit in a lot of Europe, but didn’t chart here in the UK. Yeah, so they’re sampling two songs, one of which is a quite memorable and some may say nostalgic track in order to lazily find a way for people to remember their song so they can get a hit without much effort. All that aside, is the track good enough to redeem the shady business practices? No. Not really. As I said, it’s basically a mash-up so it’s hard to really judge the song on its own merits, especially as it’s just some generic house with a rather ugly bass-synth wobble and a mind-numbingly repetitive hook. Not feeling this one’s concept or execution, at all.

#31 – “Happier” – Marshmello and Bastille

Oh, hey, Bastille, doing another track with an EDM producer for no good reason! I do like these guys, though, they’ve made some damn good, catchy, fun indie pop and pop rock in the past, and I still return to some of their hits like “Good Grief” and “Pompeii” to this day. The collaboration they had with Craig David was... okay, but knowing Marshmello’s track record of being mostly utter garbage, I don’t exactly have high hopes, and after listening, I can’t blame myself. It has some pretty okay skittering percussion and some nice strings in the pre-chorus, but the drop is so weak, man. Bastille’s lead vocalist is not straining himself at all, but he’s not putting much effort in either, some of this just feels like talking over copy-and-pasted guitar strumming and a synth in the drop that sounds like it has better things to do than spending time with a hack like Marshmello. It probably does, to be perfectly honest. That last pre-chorus is pretty cool, though, because the members of Bastille actually get some good guitars in, and there is a bit more “oomph” to the production generally. That drop sucks so badly, though, God. The song ends with “I will go”, which is somewhat amusing, I suppose. Skip this.

#26 – “TOOTIMETOOTIMETOOTIME” – The 1975

Okay, first of all: what on Earth is that godawful song title and what the hell does it mean? Secondly, the 1975, what on God’s earth are you doing, and why?

It’s dancehall-ish pop. It’s tropical, vocal-sample-infected dance-pop with some Caribbean influences that are now typical of modern British popular music, with some awfully autotuned vocals from our lead singer, Matt Healy, here, who said just a few days or weeks prior, that no big rock band is doing anything unique or interesting right now, compared to what the 1975 is doing... you say, as you make one of the most predictable, trash-tier electro-pop songs I’ve ever heard, taking a page out of the Imagine Dragons’ book of separating yourself entirely from the rock scene. Healy’s band is one of the most popular rock bands at this point in time, so it’s expected for them to make some pop tunes, but given Healy’s pretentious lyrics in the last two tracks they’ve released, which I didn’t like as much I wanted to but at least appreciated for what they tried to do, as well as his recent statements, this song just seems rather hypocritical and (not like Healy would have changed this) borderline unlistenable and amateur. I can’t even say I expected much better.

#22 – “sweetener” – Ariana Grande featuring Pharrell

This is the first of two songs to debut from Ariana Grande’s newest, recently-released album Sweetener. Now, I haven’t listened to the album in full yet, but I am looking forward to as the singles seemed promising. I loved “no tears left to cry” and liked “God is a woman” and “the light is coming” a hell of a lot, so I’m excited to check out the record. The title track, however, does not really show any of the promise I saw in those singles. Jesus Christ, this is bad.

It starts with a pretty monotone piano melody while Grande sings pretty greatly as always, but then the percussion and bass kick in for a repetitive, kind of nonsensical hook, which is just pretty insufferable, while in the verses, Grande prefers to talk-sing over Pharrell’s goofy “sheesh!” ad-libs, which also repeat throughout the rest of this song, for some inexplicable reason. Yeah, I’m assuming Pharrell produced this, and I’m also assuming that whoever transcribed the Genius lyrics to this, who had to listen to this on full blast God knows how many times just to get the accurate transcription of those Pharrell ad-libs, because they seem to be subtly different each time and while I appreciate attention to detail, I hate when that detail goes into something as moronic and pointless as Pharrell ad-libs. This gets a “sheesh” from me.

#16 – “All I Am” – Jess Glynne

Oh, okay, more Jess Glynne, we needed that after the trainwreck that was “I’ll be There”. So, what specific parts of her potential will be wasted in this song? Actually, wasn’t this promoted by Spotify ads? It must be good then. Well, it’s not bad, but it’s not particularly interesting either. It’s just some desaturated piano and annoying yet only brief vocal samples backing some house-like rhythm and Jess Glynne’s as-pretty-much-always fantastic vocals, which are only really all that prominent in the catchy hook. The wobbly synth-bass that shows up throughout kind of feels somewhat out-of-place but it’s also barely noticeable outside of the verses, so, call me stumped. I have no opinion on this song whatever – the pros outweigh the cons but there are simply not enough of those pros to make it all that good. It’s okay. It’s not like I’d change the station but it’s not like I’d turn the volume up or anything.

#8 – “breathin” – Ariana Grande featuring ILYA

So, this is the ninth track from Sweetener, featuring production, instrumentation and uncredited background vocals from Ilya Salmanzadeh, or ILYA, and it not having Pharrell related to it at all should be good, right? Well, kinda? I love the vocals here, but I’m not surprised by that at all, instead I’m surprised by how fun this instrumental is for such a dramatic song about anxiety. There’s a barely noticeable bass supporting a pounding drum beat and some nice synth and piano melodies, as well as what I assume are pretty rapidly-clapped handclaps in the second verse, and the drop is pretty fun too, with Grande ad-libbing over what could either be some strings or vocal manipulation, it’s anyone’s guess, but you know, it sounds good enough, despite doing absolutely nothing for me. It’s listenable and I’m not going to say it isn’t a damn good attempt at an inspirational anthem, but I’m not really all that in the know about why this song was any special, out of all the songs on the tracklist. Maybe when I listen to the rest of the album, the reason will be is that the rest is pretty terrible, and knowing Pharrell and his attempts at producing modern pop music, that’s probably the reason, but I’ll see. For now, this is pretty okay, but I don’t see it growing on me in time as much as stuff like “Better Now” and “One Kiss” have.

#4 – “Promises” – Calvin Harris and Sam Smith

Now, part of me hoped this was going to be utter rubbish so I could ask Calvin Harris to “promise me no promises”, but even if it was, I don’t think it’d be all that worthy of any jokes being made out of it. There’s some nice UK Garage-influenced percussion that Sam Smith usually excels in, but those backing vocals are bloody awful and the laughing is obnoxious, and Sam doesn’t seem to be putting any effort in at all. It’s not even catchy, and the piano is nothing more than an additional instrument to add to what seems to be some kind of experimental minimalistic artsy masterpiece I just don’t get, I don’t know, I seriously don’t see the appeal or any reason I should write more than I already have. What is the point of this existing? I’m curious.

Conclusion

I don’t have much passion for this show in particular anymore, and it’s weeks like this which get me to that point. When the artists aren’t bothering whilst making the art, why should I bother analysing it? Anyway, since I kind of have to, Dishonourable Mention goes to The 1975 for “TOOTIMETOOTIMETOOTIME”, yep, that’s right, it’s not even getting Worst of the Week despite being one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard. The song that does its job as a pop song with the least care is “Promises”. Worst of the Week goes to Calvin Harris and Sam Smith for making a song that shouldn’t and probably doesn’t actually exist, yet here it is, and I don’t understand how this song even got in the top 100 other than star power. It’s not catchy, it’s not interesting and it’s barely even an accessible pop song, it’s just noise, with no real hook or anything that grabs me. Best of the Week goes to nothing and there’s nothing that is an Honourable Mention here, so why not tie Dishonourable Mention with Dynoro and Gigi D’Agostino for one of the laziest hit songs I’ve heard in a while, “In My Mind”, and introduce another category: “Sheesh of the Week”. The song that is just hilariously dumb and maybe even so bad it’s good gets Sheesh of the Week, and it’s pretty obvious that Pharrell and Ariana Grande get it this week for the category’s namesake, “breathin”. See ya next time!

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 15th July 2018

God, this first bit is going to be heavily ironic now, isn’t it?

Top 10

If you’ve been following the World Cup, you’d know that Britain got into the semi-finals before being beaten by Croatia and then Belgium, leaving us in fourth place, which isn’t too bad, but it is kind of sad when you realise that the day after we got beaten by Croatia, the unofficial World Cup anthem “Three Lions” by David Baddiel, Frank Skinner and the Lightning Seeds leaped up 23 spaces to number-one, at its 27th week in the chart, and not the first spent at #1, as it has had four different runs at the top of the UK Singles Chart since it was released 22 years ago – “Nice for What” by Drake is the first to break that record in the US, only a few months after its release. Talking about Drake...

That’s a segue I hope to never use again because I don’t want to talk about Drake ever again, to be honest with you. He’s so bad in such a boring way. That has absolutely no relevance to our number-two spot, “Shotgun” by George Ezra, pushed back to the runner-up spot because of “Three Lions”, but I wanted to mention that, especially since I have to talk about him today. More on that later.

“Solo” by Clean Bandit featuring Demi Lovato isn’t moving at number-three.

Oh, Drake. We meet again sooner than I thought. “In My Feelings”, thanks to a dancing challenge meme and Drake’s album (in which this song is probably one of the worst from), has debuted at number-four. Delightful.

Oh, hey, more Drake! Fantastic! “Don’t Matter to Me” featuring Michael Jackson is STILL in the top five, specifically at number-five after being pushed back three spaces by his own song.

Also thanks to an album, Years & Years’ “If You’re Over Me” is up three spots to number-six, barely missing out on the top five – thanks to Drake. Am I coming off as some anti-Drake protester? If so, I’m sorry, I like Drake for the most part, but his chart prowess kind of baffles me.

Hell, just to prove I’m not too bothered by Drake generally, I get to thank Drake and Years & Years for not letting this next piece of trash get to the top five, or any higher, really. At number-seven, after a four-space boost up to the top ten, we have “Rise” by Jonas Blue featuring Jacksfilms and Jack Black.

“Girls Like You” by Maroon 5 featuring Cardi B continues to go up and up the charts, bouncing up two spots to number-eight this week.

Funnily enough, Cardi outdid herself this week, as she pushes down her own song “I Like It” featuring Bad Bunny and J Balvin a spot to number-nine.

Finally, down four spots from last week, we have “2002” by Anne-Marie at number-ten, where, frankly, it deserves to be more than in the top five – this is inoffensive enough to be a hit but I do not see the appeal in such a smash hit.

Climbers

This week on the US Hot 100, “Jackie Chan” by Tiesto and Dzeko featuring Preme and Post Malone just debuted at #88 – why did it take so long for this to cross over to the states? In fact, it went up five spaces to #12 this week on the UK Singles Chart, and it’s doing well globally. I know the US is really late to EDM, but, come on, it has Post Malone! Why are you guys so slow to this?

Some debuts from the week before last week are recovering from Drake – “Only You” by Cheat Codes and Little Mix is up 12 spots to #28, while “Ring Ring” by Jax Jones featuring Mabel and Rich the Kid is up seven spots to #29. Otherwise, there’s nothing really of note here to discuss.

Fallers

Former chart-topper “I’ll be There” by Jess Glynne is at freefall at this point, as it’s down six spots to #13. Drake’s “Nonstop” will obviously take a hit, going down 11 spaces to #15. The late XXXTENTACION also suffered, with “SAD!” down four spots to #18 and “Moonlight” down six positions to #37. Liam Payne and J Balvin’s “Familiar” took an unexpected but definitely deserved ten-space shove down to #30. “no tears left to cry” by Ariana Grande and “Paradise” by George Ezra are both down six to #35 and #34 respectively, seemingly ending their runs – that is, of course, until Sweetener releases soon.

Dropouts

Okay, so the biggest drop ever out of the charts is from #2, and I think “Last Christmas” by Wham! holds it. Of course, “Three Lions”, our current #1 will probably break that record, but a drop out from #5 is still impressive, and Drake’s “Emotionless” featuring a sample from Mariah Carey has done just that. Of course, the one I like the most has the least longevity.

We have quite a few other dropouts too: “This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble, finally out from #39, “Flames” by David Guetta and Sia out from #34, “changes” by XXXTENTACION out from #37 and “Girls” by Rita Ora, Charli XCX, Bebe Rexha and Cardi B out from #38.

Returning Entries

Former #1 “These Days” by Rudimental featuring Macklemore, Dan Caplen and Jess Glynne is back to #40 for some reason, but that surely doesn’t matter when we have a much more important return.

So, recently, the current President of the United States – you all know him – Donald Trump, visited the United Kingdom to talk to our current Prime Minister, Theresa May. I don’t really like to get political on this show, but let me just say I’m incredibly happy that people started a campaign to get this to return to the charts this week.

#25 – “American Idiot” – Green Day

So, let me clear up a few things first – this song isn’t about Trump, at all. In fact, it’s pretty much about a President in title only. It’s actually about the American media circa 2004, when George W. Bush was re-elected. Billie Joe Armstrong just bluntly makes fun of rednecks and propaganda in his signature insane, loud and sometimes unintelligible delivery over a now classic guitar riff with a subtle megaphone filtering effect similar to Damon Albarn on “Feel Good, Inc.” at about the same time. The verses are meaningful and packed with political punch while still being catchy enough to sing along, which Armstrong even demands the audience to do in the second verse. The cuts in the instrumental during the verses and after the chorus are pretty intense, mostly due to Tré Cool’s fantastic drumming, which is simplistic but incredibly effective and powerful. Mike Dirnt’s short guitar solo is pretty amazing, too, and all the members come together to make a modern punk-rock anthem that will be remembered for decades to come. These guys were in their 30’s when they made this too, this isn’t from an exciting youthful band, they’d been around for years when the great album this track is from (also titled American Idiot) took the world by storm in 2004.

For curiosity’s sake, I checked when this charted, and it peaked at #3 in the UK 14 years ago, and becoming Green Day’s first ever Hot 100 entry at #61. It also debuted at #1 in Canada! It is funny how a song about criticising America took advantage of the controversy to much lesser effects in the idiot nation itself, huh.

NEW ARRIVALS

Now for the much less exciting songs, I suppose.

#39 – “Panic Room” (CamelPhat remix) – Au/Ra

So, CamelPhat are the guys from last year’s “Cola” which charted at #18 over in the UK, and would have made my best list if they had crossed over to the States. I like these dudes’ other work too, so I was pretty excited when I saw them chart in the top 40 again. Au/Ra, however I have no idea about. From what I can gather on her Spotify bio, she’s an indie pop artist who had her song “Panic Room” remixed (twice, may I add) by CamelPhat, leading her to have her first top 40 hit. There are also four other remixes, as well as an acoustic version, so, yes, there are eight versions of this ONE song. I’ve listened to all of them – excluding CamelPhat’s second remix since it’s just a club mix, so I’ll just say what I think of each one in a sentence or two.

The original by Au/Ra is boring as sin during the verses, although I kinda dig the pitched-down vocals, and it gets much more exciting in the drop with the buzzing synths. It’s also when I listened to this version that I realised this is from an advertisement, which explains why she’s in the top 40 without a Wikipedia page. This version is alright, though, but I understand why it needs a remix.

The acoustic version is a slow painful death. This is also barely acoustic, there’s a pretty blatant digitally-added filter on Au/Ra’s voice at several points.

The Jonas Rathsman remix is seven glorious minutes of 1980’s dance music. I’m not even kidding, this is wonderful. I love the random sounds they add throughout too, they all add up to a pretty cool listen. Au/Ra doesn’t come in until about five minutes, though, and even then, her vocals are chopped-up a bit to fit the instrumental.

The KDA “Stop Saying You Were at Trade When You Weren’t” remix is pretty fun too with some pretty unique percussion, and much shorter than Rathsman’s, but Au/Ra’s vocals are mixed horribly and it never really has a good climax or drop, it’s just a bit of a slog. I like it, but it definitely needs some work.

The Denis First and Reznikov remix is some of the blandest house music I’ve heard. It’s also much shorter and the vocals are mixed pretty badly, once again.

The Sway Gray remix is much better in its vocal mixing, but it feels way too safe – even if the drop is one of the best things I’ve heard in mainstream dance this year, it just doesn’t keep up his momentum throughout. It’s worth listening to for that drop, though.

Now the CamelPhat remix is the one used in the advert, and yeah, these guys have struck the barrel again. Like “Cola”, it’s intense but also damn fun, with a pumping beat, pretty nice synths and pretty interesting echo effects put onto Au/Ra’s voice, including in the anti-drop, where it continues to build up when you think it climaxes – something KDA didn’t really grasp – in fact, during the actual drop, which has a similar buzzing synth to Rathsman’s mix, it’s still building up. The whole thing feels like a hike on top of a mountain, and the vocal manipulation in the drop and crazy synth work during the second build-up are the obstacles that come your way, until you get to what is nearly the tip, relax for a second when Au/Ra’s vocals come back in and the white noise starts to somehow harmonise with time-stretched beeping noises and a nice deep wobble, for the final drop where you take the last steps but it never feels satisfactory. You never get to the top, you just stay right next to it for a while and you’re fine with that because you’ve gotten so far. Like “Cola”, the ending of the song is very abrupt and anti-climactic.

The CamelPhat remix of this song is easily the best one, because it feels like an exciting journey portrayed via house music. I love this. Listen to this, like, right now. CamelPhat are Goddamn geniuses, I tell you.

#38 – “Fine Girl” (remix) – ZieZie

Oh, delightful. ANOTHER remix. ZieZie is another musician without a Wikipedia page who hasn’t had a top 40 hit until today thanks to a remix, but I’m not exactly sure which one out of the four that exist, especially since BBC has made the artwork the original single’s cover. So, naturally, I’ve listened to them all, and I’m counting the original version as the hit single.

So, before we talk about the songs, let’s just make it clear that ZieZie is an incredibly incompetent British rapper – so incompetent in fact that his single “Low Life” has been listed as “ZieZie- Low Life” on Spotify – and that’s just the title. It is listed, on Spotify, no joke as “ZieZie- Low Life by ZieZie”. Now that’s stupid! If you want proof, here you go: https://open.spotify.com/album/5mZIWWiqFQBEGlcdXfojVf?si=uLweMtHjQs6yQHA0Vg0T0Q.

Okay, so the T. Matthias remix isn’t too bad, it has a nice piano melody and it’s a pretty generic but decently-produced house track, with a deep, overbearing drop. The profanity is censored, as normal with EDM songs recently (think “Solo” and “FRIENDS”). Nothing more than what it is and nothing less.

The James Hype remix is more Caribbean-influenced with steel pans, but otherwise is basically the exact same as the Matthias remix for the first few seconds, until the pretty stiff synth melody and bassline kicks in, with some nice vocal chopping, even if it kind of sounds like it sampled Super Mario 64.

There’s another remix without a producer name that just adds a couple pretty decent rappers to the original track. It’s okay.

The ADP remix is also like that, except the guest rappers have much worse flows for the most part.

Now, the actual track – I do like the production here, with the cowbell(?) and typical dancehall production, except being oddly minimalistic with the clicks and pretty cool synth sample, hell, I even like ZieZie here, as he sings the catchy autotuned hook with a decent melody and fun ad-libs, as well as some pretty funny lyrics throughout. He references Chief Keef in the hook, even replicating his signature “bang bang” ad-lib, the fact that he’s proud in ignoring the woman’s body entirely for the fact that she has a nice butt, and how he just kind of uses a lot of nonsense words as metaphors (or just bluntly stating fact) in some lines, like “booty jiggle-jiggle like Jello” and “she wanna tick-tock if you got time” (which, also, despite the fact that it oddly references someone else having time free, unlike the other lines which refer to him having fun with this girl, actually makes sense, because throughout the hook, he’s recommending the girl to someone else). He also HEAVILY channels Fetty Wap, so it’s pretty fitting that in the bridge, he mentions his name and sings Fetty’s  signature “yeah, baby” croon that he uses in songs like “679” and “$ave Dat Money”. Yes, he doesn’t only interpolate songs; he basically interpolates two artists’ whole discography, more than once, in the same song. The references to other trap artists and some filler lines are pretty lazy but I do like how he integrates not only Patois but French in an otherwise English song, while referencing African-American artists and the Congo, as well as making fun of British YouTube prankster Jack Jones crying after being hit by a slice of pizza... yeah, I don’t get it either. If anything, this is actually pretty culturally diverse, and catchy, so I don’t mind this and it’s probably the best dancehall song we’ve covered on this show.

#4 – “In My Feelings” – Drake featuring City Girls

Remember last week when I said I thought I’d be done with Drake? Well, lucky me.

Now, this song is hilariously awful. It’s not lazy like “Nonstop” or so-bad-it’s-good like “Ratchet Happy Birthday”, it’s just bloody pathetic and that kind of makes it enjoyable, if you’re into hearing Drake on the edge of insanity over a bunch of chopped samples and pretty bland R&B-trap production. The intro is kind of funny, too, as is the hook which is just him desperately moaning to other women, asking them if they love him and if they’re riding. There’s a few hand-claps in the singular verse too, that try to add any intensity to this, which kind of make it even worse because it proves that effort was put in, when it really doesn’t sound like it. City Girls have a short bridge before the absolutely-hellish breakdown, where Drake’s vocals are all over the place with samples from Magnolia Shawty being repeated and chopped to the point of sounding like a damn parrot, before it abruptly stops and we get treated to Lil Wayne joining the party with a lazy sample from “Lollipop”. The way Drake delivers everything is really funny in this song, especially how he says “TrapMoneyBenny”. It’s kind of like “Fake Love” in a way, everything is just so unintentionally joyful despite how horrible it is. There’s some extra percussion and a sample from an episode of Atlanta too? God, this is a mess.

Conclusion

What do you think? Seriously, you think I’m gonna give Best of the Week to that ZieZie guy? Hell, no, you can figure out who gets what pretty damn easily. See ya next week!

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 28th January 2018

This week was very, very busy so I’m going to get straight to the point here and look at our top ten, which has changed quite a bit to say the least.

Top 10

I suppose we won’t be having Eminem topping the chart for much longer, not even with Ed Sheeran’s help, as Drake’s most recent snoozefest has, in the first time in Reviewing the Charts history, debuted at number-one. All I have to say about this is... really? I’d rather have Lil Pump top the charts, at least he’s relatively interesting.

“Barking” by Ramz stays at number-two in the runner-up position as I just keep on losing interest in this dude.

At number-three, we have last week’s chart-topping “River” by Eminem featuring Ed Sheeran, and I’m not bothered, really, it’s okay, not amazing.

“IDGAF” by Dua Lipa is up by 10 spots all the way to number-four, and that’s just all for the best, this song is amazing.

“Tip Toe” by Jason Derulo featuring French Montana has made the top five, because the UK charts love me today, and decided this should go up three spaces.

The new arrivals are really messing up whatever traction Cardi B’s remix of “Finesse” by Bruno Mars ever had, now it’s down to number-six, but I do hope it makes a rebound soon.

“Perfect” by Ed Sheeran – now just Ed, without Beyoncé for some reason – is down four spots to number-seven, which means the UK is taking baby steps towards no longer caring about Ed Sheeran. Thank God.

We have another new entry into the top ten, with “This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble up five spots to number-eight.

Our final new entry into the top ten is “Breathe” by Jax Jones featuring Ina Wroldsen three spaces up to nine.

To finish off our top ten, once again, is the non-mover “I Know You” by Craig David and Bastille.

Climbers

Other than the top ten having some major change-ups, we also have quite a few climbers and fallers, with the biggest climber being “Strangers” by Sigrid going up a massive 12 spaces to #14. “Feel it Still” by Portugal. The Man also hits the top 20 incredibly late, going up five spaces to #20 – seriously, why now? Is this all because of that advert? Not that I’m upset, this is a great track. “Him & I” by G-Eazy and Halsey also went up five spaces to #27, but if you care about that song at all, I don’t know what to say to you.

Other minor climbers include “Bad” by Steel Banglez featuring Yungen, MoStack, Mr. Eazi and Not3s up to #30 and “Bouff Daddy” by J Hus up to #26.

Fallers

Jesus. The amount of fallers this week is unbelievable, but not many of them are very large. The top twenty contains most of the major drops, with “I Miss You” by Clean Bandit and Julia Michaels dropping seven spaces, “Anywhere” by Rita Ora dropping six spaces, “Let You Down” by NF dropping four spaces, “Never be the Same” by Camila Cabello dropping eight spaces, “17” by MK dropping five spaces and "Decline" by RAYE and Mr. Eazi down three spaces to #11, #12, #13, #15, #16 and #18 respectively. "Havana" by Camila Cabello featuring Young Thug is also down six spaces to #22, unfortunately, as is "Naked" by James Arthur, fortunately. "For You (Fifty Shades Freed)" is proving itself as a flop, with the Liam Payne and Rita Ora debut dropping eight spaces to #29. Justin Timberlake jumped down a 10-spot bridge down to #38 with "Filthy" with me as the cackling overseer.

Other minor falls include "No Words" by Dave featuring MoStack down to #24, "Wolves" by Selena Gomez and Marshmello down to #25, "rockstar" by Post Malone featuring 21 Savage down to #31, "New Rules" by Dua Lipa down to #34, "Dimelo" by Rak-Su featuring Naughty Boy and Wyclef Jean down to #35, "Let Me Down" by Jorja Smith featuring Stormzy down to #36, "All the Stars" by Kendrick Lamar and SZA down to #37 and "Silence" by Marshmello featuring Khalid down to #39.

​Dropouts

Maybe my theory is correct. The UK is getting tired of Ed Sheeran, and it's a damn good sight to see "Shape of You" finally drop out the top 40 from #39. Sure, it's still in the top 100, but who cares about the other 60 songs? Let's be fair here. "Man's Not Hot" by Big Shaq finally realises its status as a meme deep into the grave, and drops out from #18 to my glee. Stormzy and MNEK also drop out with "Blinded by Your Grace, Pt. 2" from #37, as does "My My My!" by Troye Sivan from #38 after its first week (​flop alert​). We haven't talked about the new arrivals yet, but I'm sure this is gonna be a good week looking at these dropouts, fallers and climbers. 

​​NEW ARRIVALS

​Let's see if this really is a good week by looking at our new arrivals. 

​#40 - "Sick Boy" - The Chainsmokers

Andrew Taggart can’t sing but he does his best here, I suppose, with his slightly nasal multi-tracked vocals over the oddly dark pop ballad, with simple piano melodies played over drums that are not trap snares or rattling hi-hats or steel pans, a first for Reviewing the Charts – yes, seriously. The synths in the bridge are pretty intense as well, making this a pretty powerful alternative rock song, which I can call an ironic anthem for sick boys, I suppose. They say that he’s the sick boy, and his singing voice proves their point massively. It’s not a bad song though, with a better vocalist and maybe, you know, not being completely all over the place in terms of structure, this could have easily been best of the week. We need more upbeat rock in the top 40, even if, yes, it is from the Chainsmokers.

​#33 - "These Days" - Rudimental featuring Jess Glynne, Macklemore and Dan Caplen

Four artists, all of which are hit-and-miss (excluding the complete nobody Dan Caplen), collaborate for something that’s completely out of all their leagues: a largely acoustic yet also largely electronic pop nostalgia ballad, with gospel choir vocals assisting Jess Glynne on the chorus and Dan Caplen channelling his inner Ed Sheeran. It’s actually pretty excellent for a generic pop song, in fact, I’d call it perfect. The vocaloid drop sounds so much like an electric guitar that I can pass it off as a guitar solo, and there’s some creative manipulation of the vocals here to create trumpet-like blares in the post-chorus. Macklemore’s slightly autotuned rap verse isn’t bad, but he doesn’t make much of an impression, especially at the end of his section where he’s overwhelmed by both Caplen and Glynne’s vocals as well as the elegant synths and (real) trumpets. This is essentially a representation of British popular music in 2017, but made so much more natural. Check this out, even if the Bon Jovi song of the same title is much better, just saying.

​#32 - "Fine Line" - Mabel featuring Not3s

We’ve had pop and rock so it’s about time for some boring reggae-rap, right? Nope! Mabel switches things up with a dancehall-influenced tropical R&B jam with a twinkly synth lead and cluttered percussion that could have been cleaned up to match the smoothness of the production and Mabel’s vocals, which make her sound better than she ever has, seriously, she sounds amazing on this track, for the most part. When she doesn’t sound amazing, she’s forcing Jamaican inflections that are so obnoxiously forced it’s borderline racist. Not3s can’t sing, so he decides to mumble back in the mix with Mabel bringing some liveliness to his verse, while he switches up his flow that combines rapping and singing into a weird mush of Future-like nonsense except much more audible. The one thing bringing these two songs down is the guest rapper, but again, their involvement is not noticeable enough to really make them bad songs, or even mediocre. This is pretty nice, and I hope when Mabel’s album comes around, this track is replaced with one without Not3s. Not3s’ name is fitting because his verses are comparable to leet-speak: they’re wastes of time and I’m sick of them.

​#21 - "Diplomatic Immunity" - Drake

I despise Drake to my very core because of his complete lack of interesting qualities, but when he really starts spitting, you have a really good song on your hands. This is no exception, with the orchestral intro leading into a chilled trap beat where Drake can just freestyle bars about, yes, bragging of course, but he pulls it off, with more enthusiasm than he usually has, and some really funny punchlines. While I wish the bass wasn’t as high in the mix as it is, it doesn’t affect the song that much. The several vocal samples of a female voice throughout the track had some soulful smoothness to an otherwise trap beat, making a beautiful contrast between the grittiness of the hi-hats as well as Drake himself (who now listens to heavy metal for meditation; thanks for that update, Aubrey) and the orchestral instruments, which break down into an intense outro which is probably one of the best and most interesting moments in Drake’s career. It’s not that hard, to be fair, but this is taking the cake. If the bass wasn’t as prominent as it was and Drake’s rhymes were tighter, this could have taken best of the week.

​#1 - “God’s Plan” - Drake

So, this is the big debut from Drake, and is it any interesting? No. Oh, you want me to talk about it? Too bad. Drake doesn’t deserve any more of my interest, and he doesn’t deserve any more of yours. The keys in the background make this a really hard listen, with the autotuned Drake crooning not helping, and when he’s not singing, he’s rapping, but the length of these verses are so short I can just ignore their existence. This is background music, and Drake is a background person who is unfairly pushed into the forefront. Drake has talent, but the sheer oversaturation of him on the charts and in the public conscience is too much for me to handle, and I’m sure it’s too much for Drake to handle. In this case, I understand why his music is so full of dread and reeks of laziness; he can’t truly make what he wants to make and what he has a passion for simply because he is afraid of his relevancy slowly fading away, and I can’t blame him in the world of one-hit wonders and stream-hungry Soundcloud rappers making undeserved waves in the mainstream because at this point, anyone can have a hit, and Drake is one of the very few true pop stars in the game right now. Does this sound familiar? Well, that’s because a similar situation happened between Lil Wayne and Birdman. The apple doesn’t fall too far from the Young Money tree, huh. This is still a bore of a song, though, and totally did not deserve to break all-time streaming numbers.

Conclusion

So, we ended this week on a slightly depressing note, but overall, this week is awesome, and I don’t think I can even give a worst of the week or a dishonourable mention because the only reason “God’s Plan” fails is because of its drab production and unenthusiastic vocals. Surprise, surprise! That’s Drake for you. Honourable mentions go to “Diplomatic Immunity” and “Sick Boy” by the Chainsmokers for being awesome anthems for the OVO label and... ironic sick boys...? The best of the week goes to pop perfection, as it probably will until I grow sick of the “so-perfect-it’s-boring” trend of songs that seem to be more popular in the UK than the US by a landslide, “These Days” by Rudimental featuring Jess Glynne, Macklemore and Dan Caplen. I’d make predictions but I don’t know what to expect, maybe a Fall Out Boy song or something? God knows. See ya next time on Reviewing the Charts!