i have so many vague and half-formed thoughts about my ocs in terms of small visual snippets and pieces of personality and i have basically no way to express any of it other than just like. rambling. at nothing and nowhere in particular. and sitting in my chair the way you do when youre in the car imagining an amv in your head to the song youre listening to. i dont even need the songs anyway sometimes the brain just goes brr. i went shopping earlier for light bulbs and spent the whole time thinking about a ttrpg oc who doesnt even have a campaign or anything hes just here to vibe in the mind palace

does everything ever just feel off for a semi prolonged amount of time and you really cant pinpoint what or why? like the way you exist and the way that time is moving and how the past is gone and how you kind of are just stuck here until you die and theres no way around that and theres no taking breaks from life in a way that isnt self destructive thus hurting those around you like.. the way that you are capable of being and existing and for god knows why you exist and youve lived this life and you can [i figured out how to do read more so it doesnt take up the entire tumblr dashboard this is just... a lot so like... dont i just needed to go off]

grip your childhood so clearly yet its like holding onto a string that keeps falling apart and slowly but surely you’ll have nothing left of it and how you want to find a purpose in your life and you can sometimes see it so clearly but you have a nagging feeling you’ll never quite satisfy that purpose because you just arent good enough at the skills required for it so you’ll just end up disappointing those you thought you could help and living an empty life that sure it was worth the good times and the laughter and the tears and the smiles and the sunlight and the relationships and family and friends but you just never quite lived and you never really developed a core to your personality or identity or your story and you just lived to die and truly all you ever want is just a break from this awareness and the stress and the fear and the void of emotions that stay long enough that you know something is wrong but leave too quick for you to feel like you have a right do so anything about it or genuinely be concerned because youre just always concerned about everything this must be another false alarm but you cant take that because a break doesnt really exist and the things that we have used to get the closest thing to a break from awareness are damaging and would only perpetuate the problem more and more 

it just doesnt feel right even though its reality but is it really though because it sounds like a very distorted understanding of it which i get that i know its not right but like i cant seem to fix that and i really thought i had direction in my life but things just keep falling out from under me and i just have no way out without hurting the people i love and making their lives harder and this will all be fine in like 10 hours but itll manage to come back out of no where and to be honest if im going to feel this way can it at least be consistent so i can have a valid reason to do something because as far as i can tell its not consistent enough to be abnormal but yikes you know like literally in fucking anywhere from an hour to tomorrow ill be fine and motivated and ready to fucking live and the next its like might as well sleep for an indeterminate amount of time 

like not to be melofuckingdramatic because thats probably how this comes off like everything i worry about because when i worry i w o r r y and so i cant ever trust myself thinking anythings wrong because oh here we go another f a ls e alarm by yours truly but like i just want some consistency and i feel like shit because i do worry because bipolar disorder runs in the family for generations but its on my dad’s side and im a female so like unlikely its even in my genes also nothings really happened to me to trigger it and also its not like ive done shit like weed or anything to cause a chemical change in the brain also because like bipolar disorder goes the fuck off and im probably not going the fuck off rather just like this is normal and i just blow shit out of proportion but like

y i ke s 

anyways cant believe i literally just had one god damn sentence to say and it went the absolute fuck off a la the usual and sorry that this is so god damn the way that it be

im fine, ill be fine, everything really is fine im just aha, the worst at being stressed and concerned.