#and the role that fmv played in my life during that time was. probably better described in terms of | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

iamthescalesofjustice · 2 years

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fairly recently i encountered some fnv content again and had a sudden jarring re-realization that fallout new vegas is an actual video game, which has been experienced by other people, and has an associated accompanying fandom, rather than, as i had subconsciously come to classify it, a peculiar sort of psychosis i experienced during the period between by father getting a stage 4 cancer diagnosis and the months after he died.

#cancer mention cw #genuinely i almost completely lost two years of memory surrounding these events #and the role that fmv played in my life during that time was. probably better described in terms of #horrifying yet transcendent psychological alchemy than anything else #it was not A Game I Got Into so much as a base ingredient and lens and catalyst for some eldritch emotional processes i was experiencing #the use of the word psychosis up there is flippant but not wrong. i do have a history of it and i was very much experiencing psychosis then #fnv wasnt The psychosis but it was a major factor in it at the time #iirc i think i avoided involving myself in the fandom bc both it and i were undergoing severe volatility #i barely had the resources to get a handle on my own problems let alone internet peoples problems #anyway several months after he passed i abruptly shut down all fnv related mental processes i could and then #well okay i did still lose the next several months after that as well barring a few scattered memories but i know i had like completely #forgotten it existed at all outside brief moments that were quickly lost #i guess its been enough time that the radiation levels attached to all that have gone enough to think about any of it again?#anyway i know everyone has a secret better version of it in their head But Also i did achieve the 49th level of awareness tho #my secret better version of fnv that lives in my head is so much better than the secretbetter versions of fnv that live in yalls heads etc #joking but very much it was a thing where others were honing their understanding and art by following known paths and clashing blades with #each other while i was in a pocket dimension of accelerated time with my arms cut off having to survive against beasts and shit #developing powers the old masters didnt think were possible like a shounen protag and all that lmao #anyway thats why ive only ever posted about like. pared down versions of 1.5% of whats ever gone through my head about fnv #i didnt want the radioactivity out there or for people who dont have the context to try interacting with me about it

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