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sapphosclown · 3 years

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Kiss Him You Fool - Willex Oneshot

aka willie and flynn are best friends and she’s done with this mutual pining bullshit. (boys are alive bc i didn’t feel like thinking about ghost logistics today lmao)

so i didn’t get to participate in willex week nearly as much as i wanted to so this is my song fic/au fic (i guess? since the guys are alive? idk) for free day since i didn’t get the idea till last night at 1am. anyways i also didn’t sign up for the gift exchange but i still wanna dedicate this fic to @fairygclds for hosting this week bc she did an amazing job and i love her v much, ty mari <3

title is from Kiss Her You Fool by Kids That Fly, cute song highly recommend

rbs and comments appreciated :)

———

That was real right? He didn’t make that up in his head? That happened. Right?

Willie was abruptly knocked out of their thoughts as his board hit a crack in the sidewalk, sending him onto the pavement, scraping his knee. Although, the stinging did help them snap out of the daze he was in, making him realize that yes, this is real life, and yes, he and Alex Mercer almost kissed.

***

“Stop, you’re not allowed to be that good at everything.” Willie teased as Alex just barely completed a loop around him.

“I feel like we are experiencing different timelines here or something.” Alex let out a shaky laugh as he flailed his arms in an attempt to regain the balance he’d just lost. Luckily, Willie held out their arm for him to grab just in time.

“Come on, you’re doing great! Just need to have a little more faith in yourself.” Willie smiled gently, offering extra support with his free hand.

Alex scoffed. “I think I’m a roller skating kind of guy.”

“Well, I disagree but if that’s how you feel—”

Alex rolled his eyes, making Willies stomach flutter. He helped him off the skateboard and they sat down on the couch in the studio. Willie ignored the fact that despite having the entire couch to themselves, they sat right up against each other, and he especially ignored the way their knees touching made his heart beat faster than normal.

“Actually, I think solid ground is where it’s at.” Alex said, only half-joking.

“I guess, but the wheels add some spice that solid ground could never live up to.”

“Exactly. You know exactly what you’re getting with solid ground. Me and wheels have a complicated relationship.”

“Oh really? You guys have a falling out?” Willie teased.

“Ha, yeah. There was some falling.” Alex gave a sarcastic laugh.

“But that’s the fun part! You can get some pretty rad scars from skating.” Willie pointed out.

“‘Rad?’ What, are you from the 80’s?”

“Listen—” Willie shushed him, shoving his shoulder into him playfully.

They laughed for a moment before falling into a comfortable silence. Willie was really tempted to lay his head onto Alex’s shoulder, or hold his hand.

His hand was right there. It would be so easy... But instead he grabbed their own hand and started messing with their fingers.

“So, what are your plans for the rest of the day?” He asked lamely.

“We’re rehearsing for our gig tomorrow night. Luke and Julie are going over the set list one last time right now but we should be starting pretty soon.” Alex replied, checking the time on his phone before looking back at Willie. “Actually, if you wanna hangout while we rehearse, I don’t think they’d mind.”

“Oh, yeah! That sounds great!” Willie smiled.

“Cool.” Alex nodded, and maybe he was seeing things, but Willie could’ve sworn his cheeks were turning pink. That made him giggle.

“So, what’s the set list then?” They asked curiously. He shifted his body so that he could look at Alex, only mildly upset about the loss of contact, but being able to see the faded pink in Alex’s cheeks made up for it.

“Well, usually we start with Edge of Great, but Julie and Luke wrote this new song that is perfect to open with and I just know everyone’s gonna love it—”

Willie stared at Alex as he rambled on about the show and they couldn’t help the soft smile on their lips. Alex noticed almost immediately and stopped talking, almost embarrassed.

“What?” He asked.

“No, it’s nothing.” Willie said, waving his hand for them to move past it.

“No, I feel like you’re judging me!” Alex giggled.

“No! I’m not judging you!” Willie reassured. “You’re just really cute when you talk about music.” He said softly.

Alex went bright red. “Oh.” He replied in the same tone.

The air around them went quiet again, but this time filled with a different feeling. The feeling that there was nothing else in the world but the two of them. And suddenly their faces were a lot closer than Willie had realized. His eyes flicked down to Alex’s lips subconsciously and then back to his eyes, which he found were doing the same thing. There was nothing stopping him, all he had to do was lean in just a little bit more...

“WHO’S READY TO MAKE SOME MUSIC!” Reggie called excitedly as he entered the garage, making Willie and Alex jump apart. Reggie eyed them suspiciously. “Oh, hey Willie.” He said, eyebrows pulled together like he was piecing together what just happened.

“Hey.” Willie breathed uncomfortably. He felt like he couldn’t get enough air.

“Are you gonna hangout for rehearsal?” Reggie asked.

“Actually, uh, I gotta get going.” Willie sputtered before his brain could catch up to his mouth. They stood up and grabbed their things messily.

“I thought you said—”

“I just remembered I have to do something.” Willie cut Alex off. “I’ll see you tomorrow though?”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Alex said quietly, failing at hiding his disappointment and making Willies chest ache.

“Cool.” Willie said. “See ya.” He threw an awkward peace sign at Reggie (who gave him one back) and skated out of the garage as fast as he possibly could.

***

“You are a disaster.” Flynn scolded, grabbing a dinosaur band-aid out of her desk drawer.

“I know!” Willie yelled into her pillow. She plopped down onto the bed in front of him.

“Why didn’t you just kiss him! You had the opportunity and he clearly wanted to kiss you too!” She yelled.

“I don’t know!” Willie whined, throwing the pillow back down into his lap. “I wanted to but I froze! And then Reggie showed up and I couldn’t stay after that! What if he didn’t want that to happen, what if he hates me now!”

“He doesn’t hate you! He’s very clearly in love with you, I don’t know what you’re not understanding about this.” She peeled the paper off the band-aid and carefully stuck it to Willies knee.

“You don’t know that.” He huffed.

“Who do you think you’re talking to? He likes you. When have I ever been wrong?”

They hated to admit it, but there have been very few times Flynn has been wrong.

“Fine. But what am I supposed to do?”

“Go back there? Ask him on a date or kiss him or just literally do anything.”

“I can’t go back! He’s rehearsing! I don’t wanna barge in while they’re rehearsing. And I left so fast it’d be so awkward—”

“Stop making excuses!” Flynn shook their shoulders, as they pouted. “Call him and say you forgot something.”

“I didn’t forget anything.” He said plainly. Flynn shot him a look.

“Duh! I know that, but if you tell him you’re coming back to get something then you can’t chicken out.” She explained, exasperated.

“Oh! Well what should I say I forgot?”

“Your phone, that's a reasonable thing you’d need to get back.”

“Okay. Okokok.” Willie mumbled to themself pulling out his phone and scrolling through his contacts before Flynn snatched it from them.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling him like you said!”

“Use my phone dummy! If you call him from your phone he’ll know you didn’t leave it there!” She opened her phone and before Willie realized what was happening, the phone was ringing on speaker.

“Hello?” Alex’s voice cracked through the phone.

Flynn looked at Willie and then back to the phone when he just sat there mouth agape.

“Um, hi. It’s Willie, not Flynn, I, um, left my phone in the studio and I’m on my way back to grab it.” They stuttered, hitting his head at his awkwardness.

“Oh alright. See you soon, then.”

“Yup. See ya.” Willie threw his head in his hands, their face turning bright red. Flynn ended the call and leaned against her wall with their arms crossed.

“You really are a disaster huh.” She teased.

Willie threw his pillow at them playfully and jumped off the bed. “I hate you.” He laughed.

“Love you too.” She grinned slyly. “Now, go tell your boyfriend he’s cool and you wanna kiss him!”

Willie groaned as he grabbed his things as Flynn shooed him out of her room.

***

“He’s coming back.” Alex said quickly. His friends shared the same look as they all “ooooooo”d at him.

“Guys stop! What do I do!” He cried.

“Man calm down, it’s alright.” Reggie consoled him.

“Why’re they coming back?” Julie asked turning her keyboard off so she can lean on the keys.

“Said they forgot their phone.” Alex replied.

“Mhm, right. Sure he did.” Luke teased. If he were closer Alex would’ve shoved him but he felt like he was glued to his seat.

“What do I do?” Alex asked again.

“I mean, we can keep rehearsing till he gets here if that’ll take your mind off of it?” Julie suggested.

God bless Julie. Alex nodded.

“I don’t know, it seems like he and Willie have some unfinished business.” Reggie winked.

“No! Nothing was happening! Nothing happened, it’s nothing. He just needs his phone back.” Alex tried to ignore his friends snickering but his mind flashed back to Willie on the couch in front of him. He really thought Willie had wanted to kiss him, but if how he left says anything, Alex must’ve misread the situation. They probably hated him.

“Dude, I can practically hear your thoughts and I promise you, he likes you.” Reggie assured him.

“You can’t know that for sure.” Alex mumbled, watching his drumstick twirl through his fingers.

“Maybe not but, we’ve all noticed how they look at you.” Luke cut in.

“It’s not exactly a secret.” Julie said sweetly.

“I just... I care about them a lot and what if you’re wrong and that’s just how he acts with his friends—”

“No, dude, we’re not letting you talk yourself out of this one.” Luke laughed.

“Seriously, Alex, you should go for it!” Reggie said encouragingly, walking around his drums to clap his shoulder.

Alex thought about it, he really did. He really thought for a second that he could do it, he could just lean forward and kiss him and they’d live happily ever after. But he over thought it, as usual.

“I don’t know. Maybe someday.” He shrugged.

“You can’t just wait for someday! You gotta go after what you want!” Luke exclaimed. Julie nodded.

Alex smiled at his friends. He appreciated their support but he couldn’t help but be afraid. Deep down, he knew they were right. He knew if Reggie had been just a minute later... But he still didn’t want to get his hopes up too high. Because there’s always that what if that won’t leave him alone.

There was a gentle knock on the garage doors as Willie stepped into view, he was hugging his arms and had a soft smile on his face. They carefully waved at everyone before he made eye contact with Alex, and suddenly it felt just like they were on the couch again. Just the two of them.

You know what. Maybe it’s time for someday.

Alex stood up from his drums and walked over to Willie, trying to act nonchalant. He heard Julie clear her throat to get the other two to stop staring at them and at least pretend to do something else.

“Hey.” Alex breathed.

“Hey.” Willie replied. “Can I actually see you, out here?” He asked shyly, nodding his head out side.

Alex nodded and followed Willie out of view of his band mates.

“Sorry, I probably should’ve looked for your phone before you got here but—” before Alex could finish his sentence Willie had cupped Alex’s face and pulled him into a kiss.

Alex felt like his heart had just exploded and he wasn’t completely sure if he was real anymore, but then he felt his hand rest on Willies cheek and he could confirm that yes, this was happening.

It didn’t last longer than a few seconds before Willie pulled away again. Their eyes searched Alex’s face for any sign of his emotion but Alex had completely stopped functioning and didn’t quite know what to do until he felt Willies grip on his face loosen.

“I’m sorry—” He tried to retract his hands but Alex held them in place, and he couldn’t help but laugh. He saw Willie’s worry fade and Alex pulled him back into a kiss. This one much softer, less rushed. No longer a question, but an answer.

They pulled apart and Alex noticed Willie shrinking down a bit and smiled to himself.

“Do you have to stand on your tiptoes to kiss me?” He asked cheekily.

Willie raised his eyebrows. “That’s the question you have right now?”

Alex nodded, his smile unmoving.

“I’m glad you have your priorities set.” Willie laughed.

“Definitely.” Alex whispered. “Priority number one, make you stand on your tiptoes to kiss me again.”

“You’re mean.” Willie pouted. Alex laughed and Willie gave him a playful shove before Alex pulled him back onto his tiptoes.

“It’s about time.” Reggie whispered as he Luke and Julie peeked around the door and watched their friend.

“Luke,” He stood up straight and held out his hand.

Luke groaned and fished for his wallet in his pockets, handing him a $20 bill.

“Thank you.” Reggie said smugly, pocketing the cash.

Julie laughed and shook her head at her friends and they all made their way back to their respective instruments. Julie pulled out her phone.

Flynn: did he do it??

Julie: yup. reggie’s $20 richer

Flynn: about time!! took those fools long enough, geez

Julie: really tho

Alex walked back into the studio a blushing smiley mess and sat at his drums again, not saying a word despite his friends staring at him expectantly.

He scanned their faces from his seat behind his drums.

“From the top?”

———

a/n: let it be known that reggie used that $20 to buy a fish and he named it Gil and he is the best fish dad ever

#idk if the description is accurate like it is but i also don’t know what’s going on i wrote this in one day #hope you enjoyed anyways lol #i love them #and this song is them idc #willex week #willex #willie jatp #willie wilbur williamson #alex mercer #julie and the phantoms #jatp #willex oneshot #willex fic #netflixwewantjatp2 #renew julie and the phantoms

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jackshithere · 6 years

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How would you describe each of the Rammstein members to someone who knew nothing about them?

Oh man… If we’re being honest, you don’t really start with the juicy bits (that keep making people come for more) if it’s someone who really doesn’t know anything about them. But I will try to make this as newbie-friendly as possible, and add enough simple details to maybe explain the level of fanatic adoration for them. (But I must admit that 1- this will be loooong as fuck and 2- I fangirl about them for their professionalism, so it won’t be as humorous as one might hope)

I’ll do a collection of posts later throughout the week tagged “Rammstein glossary” about each member, maybe get other blogs on board, but I’ll keep this exclusively newbie friendly, if a tad bit too long

Ok, so, first things first. Facts you can gleam from any wikipedia, with a little introduction on the side.

There are 6 members of the band:

Till Lindemann - the singer, the poet and a professional pyromaniac

He’s an intimidating man, with tall frame and a build of a panzer tank. Till commands the stage with incredibly rich baritone voice and penchant for being set on fire, or carrying big ass flame throwers.

Matter of fact is he’s shy, introverted, doesn’t like being stared at (hence the fire, to distract from his form) and is a soft spoken, polite man - also, his speaking voice is much much softer and gentler. People generally find him fascinating for this paradoxical character.

Richard Z. Kruspe - the guitarist and founder of Rammstein

He is..how do I put this? The typical artist. Diva and control freak, plagued by doubt and striving for perfection, which all make for one hard man to work with. Richard is somewhat of a Tumblr’s sweetheart. He’s aware of those traits, and the most talkative of the group - especially about his mental health, and the problems he faced. Which means people often relate to him, and he’s genuinely a kind and engaging conversationalist, so there are a lot of his interviews to be found online.

Also, it helps that he’s easy on the eyes, let’s be real. Also, he’s a natural meme inducer. Everything that man does and say is meme-able as shit.

Paul Landers - the other guitarist

Always smiling and extraordinarily exuberant, he’s seen as the most approachable and somewhat of a goofball of the group, always up to some antics in the background. He’s the shortest and openly the silliest of the group, so Paul does sometimes get a bit.. infantilized by some fans.

He’s got an unexpectedly rich singing voice, and he’s probably a bit of a control freak himself. For a guy that talks a lot, he doesn’t share personal details as often as Richard, so he’s also somewhat of an unexplored entity. He used to be in a previously successful punk band “Feeling B” with Flake

Christian “Flake” (fla-keh) Lorenz - the keyboardist

This is all you need to know about him. Joking. He’s extremely tall, lanky and born with a soul of a cranky old man. He was with Paul in the previously mentioned band.

He’s.. how do I describe him.. I think he’s the only member you have to go anecdotal to explain him. When they play live, he has a treadmill that he paces on during the entire concert because he gets bored easily. Flake has this sort of… interpretive giraffe-being-tazed-by-electric-fence dance that he does. He’s …somehow he’s the craziest of the group, I really have no vanilla explanation for him. If you get into Rammstein, you’ll get it.

Oliver Riedel - bassist

True to the stereotype about bassists, he’s tall as fuck, quiet and people forget he exists most of the time. Ollie is the youngest of them all, extremely private, and generally a sweetheart. There really isn’t a lot to be said about him - he’s the outdoors-y, athletic type and he also joins in on Paul and Schneider’s antics.

That’s how you do proper crowd surfing

Christoph “Doom” Schneider - the drummer

The sassiest of the bunch. I would categorize him as an extrovert, but a very well contained one. He prefers being called by his last name, though the Doom nickname came from the time he needed a name for the German copyright agency (Christoph Schneider is like John Smith of Germany), and he was suggested by Paul to use Doom, because they like the game. Incredibly confident, but also quite silly man.

In one video, he was dressed as a woman - often referred to as Frau Schneider - and he did it so well (uptight mannerisms, pursed lips, sitting posture that would bring Petunia Dudley to tears all packed in a shockingly beautiful face - I mean, look at him!) that it’s now a part of the live show for him to appear with make up and a wig.

Now, the band, Rammstein.Let’s skip the things you’ll find out from a quick read through of wikipedia, like the name, when they were founded, and all that, instead let’s go for:

What genre are they even?

What songs would you recommend a first time listener?

Why are they so well liked?

What’s so special about them?

The debate about the genre is still on going. You have people claiming they are metal band, you got the German Neue Deutsche Härte genre, you got… tons. Best way to describe, if you want to go for a solid genre label, is Alternative Hard Rock - because they are not really a metal band. But if you’re aiming for the heart of it, it’s Industrial. It’s “abrasive and aggressive fusion of rock and electronic music, with a side dash of punk”. More on their style later.

For a newbie, you got different types:

Not a fan of metal or hard rock at all - If you want to go for easier sounds, where Till’s vocal’s are more prominent, and the instruments are not as aggressively in your face, I recommend Amour for an easy introduction to his vocal style, Ohne Dich, Rosenrot and then Seemann and Mutter

Preferes rock to metal - Amerika, Mein Land, Ich Will

Fine with metal, but generally sticks to upbeat songs - Ich Tu Dir Weh, Weisses Fleisch, Haifisch and Du Riechst So Gut

Open to metal, but prefers the gothic or more alternative genres - Mein Herz Brennt, Engel, Rammstein

Metal (take it with a grain of salt, not everyone would call it metal, but the sound is hardest in these) - Mann Gegen Mann, Mein Teil and …Benzin? hesitant on the last one

Of course, this is purely my suggestion, and some won’t agree with this classification, but I think it’s a solid introduction to them. Also if you can convince a friend not to watch the video until they hear the song first, I think that would make it somewhat easier to get them into it (because hey, you made them listen to it twice, and they are watching a video so not as focused and they’ll get int— is it obvious that I forced 3 friends to do exactly that and that’s how I got them all into Rammstein?)

This is getting so long at this point, I am putting more effort into this than into my college essays..Why are they so well liked? In short: Fire, Professionalism, Democracy, Music and Controversy1) Fire. “Other bands play, Rammstein burns!“

Ok, not just fire. Though it’s pretty cool.

2) The ultimate professionalism. I am not kidding when I say that giant, well planned Broadway Musicals pale in comparison to the sheer perfection and amount of panache they put in their live gigs.

It’s considered that it should be on everyone’s bucket list to see Rammstein live at least once.

I don’t want to stereotype Germans and working like machines, but what makes Rammstein so good, is that they really stick to that stereotype where everything is a perfectly executed machine with no space for fucking around.

3) Democracy. This influences the professionalism part in the sense that, since all the members of the band have an equal amount of vote over what gets done and how, it means that they all criticize each other’s ideas until they find the middle ground. That middle ground is how they kept their specific genre, while managing to churn out wonderful after wonderful album (I am being very biased here, I just really like every single album, all for different reasons), all with a firm idea of what Rammstein is for all of them

4) Lyrics

First of all, about the lyrics - they are all written by Till. Yet on all songs, credits go to all the members, because everyone gets an input. It really cannot be understated how much of a group project this is. It’s a democratic band where everyone holds the same weight.

My personal favourite ones are Dalai Lama and Klavier. I am sucker for story telling songs and the words he uses are so perfectly chosen! The first one is a twist on Goethe’s poem while the second one is a very dark love song.

5) Controversy

Since this has gotten embarrassingly long, let me say this in shortest way possible: Some people like provocative, others abhor it and together when they argue they market Rammstein like no other. Rammstein has been blamed like any other metal band for school shootings, Nazi imagery, promoting physically abusive relationships, inciting youths to unlawful/harmful behavior etc. while doing none of that.

But in general, Rammstein has a wonderful attitude of “Interpret out lyrics anyway you want to, we just draw the line at being called Nazis.” and they usually make a point of just telling a story/ presenting a song whose lyrics and/or video are but an element to the entire thing.

Oh my god, I finally scrolled up to check if I answered everything, and you didn’t even ask for all the rest, I just kept spewing on and on D:Sorry!Once I start about Rammstein, I keep going on and on and on. I hope that at least was a good enough introduction, I’ll do those little glossaries with in jokes and fun facts later, as I promised all the way at the beginning

#Rammstein #answered

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tomoyanosekai · 5 years

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The Greatest Hits Playlist~僕の全部〜 (Boku no Zenbu: My Everything)

“The dreams that were too big to be held inside those small hands

Now I’ve grown up and remember them

I wonder what the person I was back then would say

If they saw me fretting and struggling over the small stuff”

- スターリングスター (Starring Star) by KEYTALK

「僕の名前は池村チャッドです！僕がアメリカのロサンゼルスから来ました。僕は日本人と中国人、そして高校の1年から4年まで日本語を勉強しました。よかったら、日本人の名前「智也」と呼んで下さい。よろしくお願いします！」

“My name is Chad Ikemura, and I’m from Los Angeles, California in America! I’m half Japanese and half Chinese, and I studied Japanese for four years in America. If you’d like, you can feel free to call me by my Japanese name, Tomoya. It’s nice to meet you!”

Every time I met someone new in Japan, this was how I introduced myself to them. It was strange; they thought I was one of them since I looked Japanese in appearance and mannerisms, and also sounded like them when I spoke the language, but also spoke English fluently without an accent, and was also a Christian, who was unlike anything they’d seen. Yes, to them, I’m a half Japanese Christian man who could speak Japanese who came from America. The month of July has come and gone quicker than the blink of an eye for me as I’ve spent it here in Japan. At the time of this writing, I have about a week and a half left before I return to America, and around two weeks before I’m back in Los Angeles. As each and every day has come and gone, I’ve been living in a repetitive and exhausting routine schedule at Hirosaki Nozomi Christ Church, and each day here hasn’t really allowed me much time to sit down, unpack, reflect and write out my thoughts. With my music playing set to a playlist of all my favorite songs in my earbuds, I finally have time to look back at all the moments I’ve been living through and can thoughtfully scroll through all the pictures I’ve taken. Through everything, I can’t believe how far I’ve come, and how I’ve been utilized and used.

If I were to try and look back at the past few months I’ve spent in Hirosaki, all of them feel like this whole trip’s been a blur, and the feelings I felt near the end of the school year felt so long ago. Through each day I’ve been working in the church, I’ve been focusing extremely hard on how I could serve and forge relationships with the people in front of me. In order to walk forward and focus, I had to let go of everything and leave things from home behind. I could finally live out my childhood dream and go beyond what my younger self had ever envisioned. However, in the midst of many people coming and going, of the problems I faced, of the changing relationships with other people, I was trying to be strong for others and myself on my own again. I did not like the problems that I saw in front of me that came from the people around me. These problems still haven’t ended, and I can say for sure that I still don’t like it. I already witnessed most of the same problems from Hope Rising, and I didn’t want to see a repeat of that happening in a larger and important Church congregation setting. If we couldn’t love on each other properly, how could we love on the Japanese people properly? How much longer would it be until the people we were preaching to would eventually see that we weren’t practicing what we preached to them? Those were the things I questioned paired up with the feelings I felt but ultimately bottled them up as I tried to continue to fix it by being me.

“There will be confusing days,

but knock on the door to tomorrow

Just plunge into

what's ahead of you!

Believe yourself!!”

- Over “Quartzer” by Shuta Sueyoshi feat. ISSA

As there are problems here in front of me currently, I have literally no idea what goes on at home anymore. As I’ve been gone, I missed out on two celebrations with my family: Father’s Day and my Mom’s Birthday. For my Mom’s Birthday, I ended up Facetiming her just so that I could wish her a Happy Birthday in person. However, what I thought was going to be a 10-15 minute talk turned into an hour-long conversation about everything I had been experiencing, and became a time for me to vent how frustrated I was with myself and everything I saw in front of me; to the point of where I was sobbing frustrated tears. It had been so long since I had a face-to-face interaction with anyone from home, and it had been such a long time where I was able to be honest about my feelings; both with myself and with someone from home. However, it was through this phone call with my Mom that I finally had the chance to ask myself this:

“Do you remember who you are? Have you forgotten the things you experienced before this?”

Through all the things I did at Hirosaki Nozomi Christ Church, through focusing on all the people in front of me, I found that I had forgotten a key part to this trip: my own identity. As my introduction from the beginning of this post shows: I know who I am. I haven’t actually given myself a chance to have a proper and honest self-diagnosis of my emotional state. There’s a lot of people that are better than me in a lot of ways, and I hated the fact that I felt I was useless. I’ve doubted my own self worth to this team and the church, as well as wrestled with the idea of continuing to live life alone as I would be mostly alone at school and have no idea what I want to do with my life. I was tired of being strong for others, and I was tired of lying to myself about my own strength; my strength had limits before I crash and burn.

However, everything I felt was stemmed from the fact that I forgot about the things that I’ve been through that shaped me and brought me to where I am now. Through that exchange with my Mom, I was able to see that I was finally feeling lonely and homesick and I looked down at my own talents. I wanted to change, and I quantified my own growth and maturity as something that wasn’t “good enough.” But that isn’t the case, not at all anymore. I am worthy to stand on the stage known as Japan, alongside this group of Short Term Missionaries.

“A mighty soaring wall,

for whom do we cross over it?

Oh Oh Oh Oh Aim to overcome yourself

Instead of the common right solution,

there’s one and only answer,

Oh Oh Oh Oh The one to choose it

is no one else but you,

now towards the future you can only find here!”

- Blizzard by 三浦大知 (Miura Daichi)

My time here is temporary, and I created bonds with not just the people in front of me, but with the other people work with. Everything is being used, and God is making sure that all of me is being used. My past and my present is being used to lead others to their future; like a greatest hits playlist. Just like all the best songs from the prior years are collected into one giant playlist, all of the different things I’ve experienced in years prior are being used, both recent and from years before. My past and present is being used to create a future for these people in front of me. I was using my everything to further the bonds in front of me, and I’m even using my everything to fight against the things in front of me as well.

“The wind of the moment has its own message to share

(It's blowin' up stronger and stronger till it reaches you)

Your dreams and future may seem so far away...

(When you've got all you can out of life, that's when you can stop)

But don't let life get you down

(Keep your head held high)

Wherever you may go (Never compromise yourself)

Follow the path you believe in, and JUST LIVE MORE!”

- JUST LIVE MORE by 鎧武乃風 (Gaim no Kaze)

“Don’t forget who you are. In the midst of everything you’re facing, don’t forget who you are, where you’ve been, what you’ve faced, what you’ve overcome. You’re forgetting who you are despite everything else going on.”

I know I still have one more week left here in Aomori, but my time is coming to an end. But even as my time is running out, there is one question that I’m still asking myself:

“What does it mean to live my best life?”

Even though I spent almost two months in Japan living out my dream, I still have no idea what I want to do in the future. The only tip I had came from Biola’s Missions Conference, where one of the speakers recommended that “I should re-engage with my past, and that I’d probably find that my future being deeply rooted with my past.” Through almost two months of Missions Work in Hirosaki, I began to ask,

“What does it mean to explore the stories rooted in my past?”

Despite everything I’ve seen and felt, I have been using the stories rooted in my past and present in my childhood dream. However, it was this thought from the Pastor’s wife that allowed me to reflect and think about how I’ve been living my life for the past two months, where she told me and some of the other Short Termers this:

“If you don’t realize you’re mortal, you can’t live well.”

She’s not wrong in the slightest, and her words and stories are a living testament to walking forward. They’ve had so many twists and turns, added along with many near-death experiences, and despite that, they were here in Hirosaki serving the Lord and doing so many amazing things that feel extremely impossible for me.

“Keep going forward no matter where you are

What awaits you at the end is a brand new world

Don't turn back

Your footsteps will become your tracks one day”

- hikari by lol -エルオーエル-

Stemming from last month’s post, my dirty feet show how much I’ve walked. Not only does it show how much I’ve walked, but it’s shown how much work that’s been done through me, and how much work I’m putting in. My trial runs, my failures, my successes, and everything in this journey all means something and contributes to my growth. Although I have no idea what I want for my future, I do know that it is time for me to go back. I know for certain that I have grown within these last two months, and I know I have people waiting for me to come back. Whether or not they’ve graduated, aside from my family, I know for certain that I have friends waiting for me, and I don’t need to worry about that.

As Solomon writes...

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…”

- Ecclesiastes 3:1

“I'll see you again, that's a promise.

Even as we walk our own paths...

I know that we look up at the same blue sky

I want to see you again, but until then...

I'll work on becoming my best self

I'll see you again to tell you these new stories”

- また君に会いたい (Mata Kimi ni Aitai: I Want to See You Again) Kyuuranger with Project R.

As I click the switch twice on my earbuds and change to another song in my iPod, it switches to a song I really like.

“But don’t look back – we’ve gotta go!

Even if we can’t say, “See you again someday…”

I still remember that secret password

And the pure red sunsets that only exist after school.

Saying goodbye doesn’t fit our style,

Even if our fate remains derailed far into the future.

We’ve managed to share this time together, at least in the beginning,

So even if everything were to disappear…

That one bond will never come undone!”

- ボタン (Button) by PENGUIN RESEARCH

I know that I will find my way back to Japan somehow. Whether that be the countryside area of Aomori or the giant metropolis that is Tokyo, I will find my way back here. Throughout my time here, with the exception of one other souvenir that will be left unknown for the time being, my second favorite souvenir is a blue zip-up hoodie with a samurai on the back. For those who don’t know: this is the official jacket of Kouta Kazuraba from Kamen Rider Gaim, and I was able to get myself one. As I walk forward with dirty feet and with my earbuds in my ears and iPod filled with my favorite music in my jacket pocket, this jacket represents the fact that I AM here and that I DID take the stage here in Japan, where I had the chance to use my everything. However, as nice as it’s been, it’s time for me to return soon.

Time to walk forward, return back to California, reclaim the stage at Biola, and finish things there soon.

“From here on out, it’s my stage!!”

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sahibookworm · 4 years

Text

I’m using the questions that were created for the 2019 survey and you can find the original post at Perpetual Page Turner.

I hope everyone has had a good 2019 and my best wishes to everyone for the New Year…!!! I can’t find a better way to end this year’s blogging journey than to sum up all my reading. It has been a great year of reading and blogging for me, discovering new authors, enjoying more blogs and making some amazing friends who share similar passions as me. I hope this momentum continues on into 2020 for me as well as for all of you.

Enough of my rambling….. Let’s get started with my year end wrap-up..!!!! I’m going to try not to repeat the same books for all the answers, but it’s totally unavoidable for some of my favorites. This post is also going to be pretty long, so have some patience friends…!!

Number of books I read: 180

Genre I read the most from:

From the two graphics above, you can see that I’ve read more Romance by book count, but more Fantasy by page count.

Other Statistics: I also have a few other cool pie charts I would love to share with you all.

As you can see, I read a lot of wonderful books this year. Two thirds of my reads being 4 star and above doesn’t mean I’m a very easy to please reader (though I can be), but that I’ve gotten better at choosing the exact kind of books that appeal to me. I definitely hope I can keep it up.

This chart is actually very surprising because I used to be in the solidly YA column almost until last year. But I guess I am changing as a person, which means my reading tastes are as well. But I don’t change the 26% of YA to go down anytime soon because I still adore my YA Fantasy novels the best.

I thought I read a lot more big books than I actually did, but that’s okay. I can feel a bit intimidated when the page count goes above 500 but I really hope I get over my fear in the New Year and read many more tomes.

This chart truly represents me. I love reading new releases, so it’s no surprise that three quarters of my books read are from this year. But I still have a backlist because there are many more amazing books I could never get to. I definitely wish I can get to a lot more backlist books in 2020 though.

I read about 20% books with no diversity, which I think is okay because quite a few of them are Non Fiction which I couldn’t really categorize. I’m glad I could keep my #ownvoices reads at around 40% but I definitely hope I can make them a majority in the coming year.

1. Best Book You Read In 2019?

This is the toughest question to answer and it’s awful that I have to start with this. I’ll post a more comprehensive list of favorites in January, but for now the best books I think I read this year would have to be Red, White and Royal Blue, The Dragon Republic and Blowout.

2. Book You Were Excited About & Thought You Were Going To Love More But Didn’t?

I’m always excited for a Christina Lauren book and I thought this would be another fun read, but Twice In a Blue Moon turned out to be pretty disappointing.

3. Most surprising (in a good way or bad way) book you read?

When our Stars and Sorcery Book Club selected the short story The Paper Menagerie as our BOTM, I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it because I don’t always have a great track record with Hugo/Nebula or award winning books in general, and this short story collection is full of winners and nominees. But what a brilliant surprise it was. Reading this collection of stories was an experience I cherish and can’t forget anytime soon. Highly recommend.

4. Book You “Pushed” The Most People To Read (And They Did)?

During the India Lit Readathon my friends organized, a couple of us convinced a lot of the others to read A Spark of White Fire (or A House of Rage and Sorrow) and it was amazing to see the whole gang adore this series.

5. Best series you started in 2019? Best Sequel of 2019? Best Series Ender of 2019?

There are probably many more I can choose for these questions, but these three books are the most memorable.

Best series I started: There Will Come a Darkness

Best sequel I read: The Dragon Republic

Best series ender: The Shadow Glass

6. Favorite new author you discovered in 2019?

I can’t help but repeat the same books because I discovered Rin Chupeco this year and I just feel blessed to have read her books. There are ofcourse many other authors too and I will come up with a post discussing all of them, but Rin has definitely been the most wonderful.

7. Best book from a genre you don’t typically read/was out of your comfort zone?

Classics are probably the furthest from my comfort zone and I haven’t read any in a while, but this year I decided to finally try Agatha Christie. And I have to say, The Murder of Roger Ackroyd blew my mind.

8. Most action-packed/thrilling/unputdownable book of the year?

The action in Jade City is not all pervasive but when it happens, you feel so immersed in it like it’s happening right in front of your eyes. And once I got used to the pace of the book, I just couldn’t put it down.

9. Book You Read In 2019 That You Would Be MOST Likely To Re-Read Next Year?

There’s one which I’ve already reread so many times that I don’t wanna mention it. But I have a feeling that I will be rereading the delightful Bringing down the Duke before it’s sequel releases next year.

10. Favorite cover of a book you read in 2019?

There are just so many adorable covers to choose from but some of my favorites are King of Scars, The Lady Rogue and Descendant of the Crane.

11. Most memorable character of 2019?

I thought a lot for this question but ultimately realized that Lady Tea from The Bone Witch trilogy is undoubtedly my most memorable character of this year.

12. Most beautifully written book read in 2019?

While anthologies can usually be a hit or miss, Hungry Hearts turned out to be utterly beautiful inside and out. Can’t recommend it enough.

13. Most Thought-Provoking/ Life-Changing Book of 2019?

I read some brilliant non-fiction books this year but the most thought-provoking would have to be Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People about Race, and She Said.

14. Book you can’t believe you waited UNTIL 2019 to finally read?

I’ve known about The Song of Achilles for a couple of years now but I have no valid reason for not picking it up till the beginning of this year. Wow what a read..!!!

15. Favorite Passage/Quote From A Book You Read In 2019?

I’m a huge highlighter, so I have numerous quotes to choose from. But there’s one from Good Talk that has haunted me since I read the book and it’s this:

“Sometimes the people who love you will choose a world that doesn’t.”

16. Shortest & Longest Book You Read In 2019?

I had to look up Goodreads for the shortest one, which apparently is Emergency Skin. But the longest book of the year is obviously The Priory of the Orange Tree.

17. Book That Shocked You The Most

The Test is a short novella set in a near futuristic dystopia with such a shocking premise, that I was left dumbfounded after finishing it.

18. OTP OF THE YEAR (you will go down with this ship!)

Credit : Venessa Kelley

Well, this is kinda obvious isn’t it. It has to be Red, White and Royal Blue. I would die for Alex and Henry, my disaster babies.

19. Favorite Non-Romantic Relationship Of The Year

Credit : Anne-Marie

I think it has to be Nathaniel and Silas from Sorcery of Thorns. They are a master/servant, bound by magic and they deny their feelings a lot, but they care for each other so much and it’s beautiful to read about.

20. Favorite Book You Read in 2019 From An Author You’ve Read Previously

There are actually quite a few but I particularly wanted to mention There’s Something about Sweetie and The Red Scrolls of Magic, both of which I found thoroughly entertaining.

21. Best Book You Read In 2019 That You Read Based SOLELY On A Recommendation From Somebody Else/Peer Pressure/Bookstagram, Etc.

I’m not a fan of the middle grade genre at all but my dearest friend Nandini convinced me to read Aru Shah and the End of Time and I instantly fell in love.

22. Newest fictional crush from a book you read in 2019?

This is a pretty recent one, and I now have a huge crush on Silas from Superfan because he is the sweetest and best book boyfriend ever.

23. Best 2019 debut you read?

I’ve actually read some wonderful debuts this year and the list can go on, but I specially want to mention Color Me In because it has some very insightful commentary about finding your voice and identity; the other one is The Merciful Crow which tackles systemic oppression and subjugation of a whole caste of people within the fantasy world while also giving us an adventure and love story.

24. Best Worldbuilding/Most Vivid Setting You Read This Year?

Another question where I can easily list multiple books but Three Parts Dead is special because the world is utterly unique and the alamgamation of magic, gods and bureaucracy is something I’ve never seen before.

25. Book That Put A Smile On Your Face/Was The Most FUN To Read?

Well, I can’t just stop talking about my favorite book of the year now, can I?? It’s obviously Red, White and Royal Blue. I was smiling so much all the way through the book that my cheeks started to hurt.

26. Book That Made You Cry Or Nearly Cry in 2019?

Apparently this is also a huge list which is not surprising because I gravitate towards books that can make me cry. A recent read which made me so emotional that I sobbed through a large part of the book is The Clergyman’s Wife. While A Scarcity of Condors didn’t make me cry as much as the previous books in the series, it definitely was very emotional to experience.

27. Hidden Gem Of The Year?

This one has to be The Candle and the Flame. Not enough people have read this beautiful book and I wish everyone would. Another book which is a bit old but I found adorable and very very one of it’s kind due to the setting is One Giant Leap.

28. Book That Crushed Your Soul?

Wow.. I’ve already mentioned some of them above but another book that just about crushed me was the graphic novel adaptation of Kindred. What a brutal book to read and the illustrations make it even more difficult, but I totally understand now why it’s considered a classic of the genre.

29. Most Unique Book You Read In 2019?

It almost feels like the word unique was invented for This is How You Lose the Time War. What a lovely poetic book this was. Absolutely mesmerizing.

30. Book That Made You The Most Mad (doesn’t necessarily mean you didn’t like it)?

Sita’s character in The Forest of Enchantments made me a little mad because of all the things that she let go just to keep the peace in her marriage. Another reason for my reaction may also be due to the fact that I do a lot of the same things in my real life that she did, and it didn’t feel nice seeing it depicted on page.

1. New favorite book blog/Bookstagram/Youtube channel you discovered in 2019?

I discovered a lot of new blogs this year and have loved interacting with all these wonderful people, some of them being Ahana, Dany, Jane, Caitlin Althea, Krisha and Fanna. The three youtube channels I started enjoying a lot are I Should Read That, Merphy Napier and Daniel Greene.

2. Favorite post you wrote in 2019?

How do I even choose between my own posts… I really do love them all. But my review of Red, White and Royal Blue is a favorite. Other favorites are the reviews of She Said and The (Other) F Word.

Two of my favorite non-review posts are Books That Have Defined my Reading Life, and Books related to the Mahabharata.

3. Favorite bookish related photo you took in 2019?

4. Best bookish event that you participated in (author signings, festivals, virtual events, etc.)?

I only attended one festival this year – Baltimore Book Festival – and I had such an amazing time there that I wrote a whole post about it.

I also had an awesome time virtually taking part in the India Lit Readathon, which happened to be the only time I ever did an Instagram live.

5. Best moment of bookish/blogging life in 2019?

The highlight was obviously reaching the 1200 follower milestone and it just happened 2 days ago … I just can’t believe that so many lovely fellow bloggers are interested in what I have to say.

6. Most challenging thing about blogging or your reading life this year?

Being consistent on the blog has always been my biggest challenge alongwith trying to follow a proper schedule. But by the second half of the year, I think I got a hang of it and it’s definitely helped me plan future posts better too.

7. Most Popular Post This Year On Your Blog (whether it be by comments or views)?

Apparently my review of Red, White and Royal Blue is the highest viewed post on my blog this year, which makes me insanely happy because I poured my heart out in it. But it’s also very surprising because reviews usually don’t get so much love. I guess it’s just the magic of this amazing book.

8. Post You Wished Got A Little More Love?

I always wish that my other reviews get a little more love, but it’s okay. I’m just happy that there are readers out there who like what I have to say about my favorite books.

9. Best bookish discovery (book related sites, book stores, etc.)?

I don’t think I’ve had many bookish discoveries other than finding some wonderful new authors and discovering my love for planners and spreadsheets to help with blogging.

I do love the Bookly app on my phone which has many interesting features to keep track of reading, but I always end up forgetting to use it because I’m too much into my book.

10. Did you complete any reading challenges or goals that you had set for yourself at the beginning of this year?

I had three major reading challenges this year and following are my final updates:

Goodreads Reading Challenge: 180/130

Stars and Sorcery Book Club: I read all our BOTMs except one and I think I’m okay with that.

Around the Year in 52 Books: 51/52. The last prompt left was Psychological thriller and I just couldn’t make myself pick a book for it because I hate the genre.

Year of the Asian 2019: 49/30

1. One Book You Didn’t Get To In 2019 But Will Be Your Number 1 Priority in 2020?

I really really wanted to read The Tiger at Midnight in 2019 but it didn’t happen. It probably won’t be my Number 1 priority in the New Year, but I definitely wanna read it soon.

2. Book You Are Most Anticipating For 2020 (non-debut)?

Ironically, Shorefall was my most anticipated book of 2019 as well but it got pushed to 2020, so it retains the spot. And I just happened to get the ARC a couple of weeks ago, so I’m gonna get to it pretty soon.

3. 2020 Debut You Are Most Anticipating?

I’m actually very surprised I don’t have a huge list of debuts but hopefully it’ll grow as the year goes by. But two desi author debuts I’m looking forward to are The Trouble With Hating You by Sajni Patel and Star Daughter by Shveta Thakrar.

4. Series Ending/A Sequel You Are Most Anticipating in 2020?

The sequel I’m really looking forward to is We Unleash the Merciless Storm and my highly anticipated series ender of the year is Night of the Dragon. I have a feeling these two books are gonna break my heart.

5. One Thing You Hope To Accomplish Or Do In Your Reading/Blogging Life In 2020?

I never thought I would reach 1000 followers but I did, so my next hope is for 1500-1600 in 2020. Other than that, I hope I’ll find some courage to be more open about my opinions and also maybe contact an author or two all by myself for an interview.

6. A 2020 Release You’ve Already Read & Recommend To Everyone (if applicable):

I’ve been trying to read books closer to the release date so that I don’t miss out on all the rest of the current releases, so I’ve very few 2020 books. But my favorite is The Secret Chapter from the Invisible Library series because it was very very entertaining and it’s such a joy to be back in this world.

If you have stuck through till the end of this looooooong post, THANK YOU so much…!!! This amazing year would not have been possible without all you lovely bloggers and friends who have encouraged and motivated me everyday. I hope our relationship continues in the next year too and I wish everyone a great New Year. Happy Reading..!!!

Annual End of the Year Survey – 2019 I'm using the questions that were created for the 2019 survey and you can find the original post at

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