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sclczcr · 4 years

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( jon kortajarena, cis male, he/him, thirty ) ** ♔ announcing ANDER SALAZAR, the KNIGHT from SPAIN ! upon closer look, they resemble JON KORTAJARENA. it is a miracle that HE survived the last five years, considering they are CYNICAL, RESILIENT, and INDUSTRIOUS. i hope the plague has not changed them. they are FOR working together with the other kingdoms.

BASICS

GIVEN NAME: Ander Salazar AGE: 30 DATE OF BIRTH: April 13th PLACE OF BIRTH: Salazar Valley, Navarre GENDER: Male PRONOUNS: he/him SEXUALITY: bisexual, demiromantic RELIGION: lapsed Catholic OCCUPATION: knight

PHYSICAL TRAITS:

HEIGHT: 6’5’’ BODY TYPE: lean, built for agility HAIR COLOR: brown EYE COLOR: brown BIRTHMARKS/SCARS: no birthmarks, plenty of scars, none of them particularly serious looking NOTABLE TRAITS: jaw that could cut glass RIGHT HANDED OR LEFT HANDED?: ambidextrous, originally left-handed

PERSONALITY

FIVE TRAITS: diligent, adaptable, charming, dishonest, impetuous MORAL ALIGNMENT: Neutral Evil MBTI TYPE: ESTP-A ( the Entrepreneur ) STAR SIGN: Aries PHOBIAS/FEARS: failure, being judged for his birth (or lack thereof) BEST QUALITY: doesn’t quit, really difficult to offend WORST QUALITY: liar, occasionally resentful ELEMENT: Fire

BIOGRAPHY

Ander doesn’t remember much from his childhood, other than being an orphan handed off to the church. One day, a man came riding in on a black stallion and took him away from the monks without so much as a grunt in his direction. His memories of the journey are hazy – he couldn’t have been more than four or five, and he hadn’t understood much at the time, or for a long while after.

He was raised in the duke Sotomayor’s holding, training to become a household guard, which for years only meant he got the most menial and unpleasant jobs, in between bouts of brutal training. Mocking the charity case was a favorite pastime of the younger lordlings and he’d ignored them at first, playing dumb, biding his time until he was strong enough to toss them on their finely clad arses.

He took his time, waited to catch each alone, and it worked for a while, until they teamed up and ambushed him. The beating that followed had been so terrible he was certain he was going to die right then and there – and he’s still convinced he would have, had the lord of the manor not walked in at an opportune moment. To Ander’s surprise, he actually seemed furious with his grandchildren and his punishment lasted for months. He even called a physician for Ander, to make sure the damage would heal right. It was more of a kindness than he’d expected out of the world, and particularly out of the man who’d barely said more than two words to him since he took him from the church orphanage all those years ago, but he hid his surprise, no matter how tinged with skepticism, when expressing his gratitude for the generosity. He realized the old man was cannier than he’d given him credit for when his only response was a scoff of amusement.

It seemed the lord had a better grasp on Ander’s character, than he did on his. Because while he was nothing but an orphan, abandoned on the steps of a church when he was just a babe, he had his pride, and even some ambitions. There was a reason he worked so hard at being a squire, and why he wouldn’t complain even during the most backbreaking of tasks – he wanted to make sure he had it in his to succeed and make something more of his life. His attempts to ingratiate himself to the lord of the castle had a lot more to do with that, than with any genuine esteem he held for the man – while not ungrateful, Ander harbored no uplifting sentiments for the one who plucked him out of a life of prayer and humility. He only wanted the chance to prove himself.

So he put himself forward, doing his best to make an impression, working even harder to ensure he would be noticed. His efforts were fruitful, at first, the old man seemed to develop a soft spot for the orphan boy, and would include him in hunting parties organized in the area. He became his squire and found himself in the presence of other noble families with increasing frequency.

He became a favorite in the household, gaining the reputation of being quick-witted and capable, and while he was no longer a child, he was still years away from adulthood, and thus given some lenience, so that he could experience how enjoyable life could be.

He got his first taste of romance during those days – some of the last good days he’d have in a good long while – and while their interactions had been brief and quite innocent, they both became quite evidently besotted with each other, drawing the attention of the household. She was one of the duke’s many grandchildren, but for a brief, shining moment, Ander was convinced they could be together, the old man must surely have gotten soft in his old age, and he’d figure out a way to sway him in their favor, but before he even had the chance to begin his machinations in earnest, the duke coldly informed him he was banished.

The second home he’d had – the only one he remembered, and he was forced to leave it in short order, barely given enough time to wrap his head around it. He was put on a horse, a satchel and sword thrown at him and was unceremoniously escorted out of the castle, the gates shutting firmly behind him.

The first day he wandered aimlessly, mind wiped of all thought, but when night came and he found himself without shelter, he forced himself out of his daze and struggled to come up with a plan. They’d given him a good steed and decent equipment, and even some coin – just not enough to settle somewhere. He joined the army, figuring that was what his training prepared him for, anyway and then spent years fighting other people’s battles, distinguishing himself as a natural solider, but lacking the name, or the family to help him raise within the ranks, bound to always keep to the fringes of power.

He was making friends with important people, at least, and close to power was still better than out there in the camp, so he took the little he could and held on to it. One of those friends proved quite important indeed, and Ander suddenly found himself orbiting around a member of the royal family. During a skirmish, he succeeded in saving his life and turning the battle around just at its most hopeless, and this time, the rewards were more than empty words and scraps. He was invested as a royal guard, part of the royal retinue and now in between fighting, he found himself in the safest place in the kingdom, patrolling the corridors of the palace. He was still only a solider, but now, finally, a comfortable one. Still on the fringes of power, at least now he’s closest to the greatest one. And when the plague came, and then the fires, at least he found himself on the right side of the wall separating those who have from the have nots.

He might have spent the last five years with his nerves drawn taught as a wire, but at least he was removed from the immediate danger, and living in relative comfort. Nonetheless, he is eager to put the confinement behind him, ready to deal with danger head on, rather than drive himself mad waiting for it every shadow to become an assassin, or hearing the distant shouts, but unable to see his enemies. Anything that would make things return to normal sooner, is at least worth a try, in his eyes.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

Basically, this guy is ready to start living again - so partners in mischief and adventure are eagerly awaited: friends, frenemies, rivals (for whatever reason: they think he cheated at cards/dice (he probably did, but good luck proving it), an unfortunate pub brawl, etc.)

someone from the Spanish court he saved in battle. they would have meet on the front before the whole plague thing, struck up a friendship in their downtime and then during a fight gone terribly wrong, Ander stepped in and saved their life. It would have to be a member of the higher echelon nobility, or please, please, please ( !!! ) someone from the royal family.

he’s a bastard from a Spanish noble family - his mother was unwed and she died in childbirth. I imagine that in private this was quite a big scandal and put a lot of pressure on the family, especially when his grandfather (feeling guilty and regretting his attitude towards his daughter since she died) took him back from the monastery they abandoned him at and raised him in his household for a little over a decade. So...any trueborn family members who feel some kind of way about all of this - Ander didn’t realize who his sponsor was until after he’d already left the castle, when he heard the rumors about the family from outsiders.

these are the only somewhat crystalized ideas I have for him, but if anyone else comes up with anything, please drop me an IM! I’m always, always up for plotting!

#1642hqintro #ABOUT || it’s better to burn than to fade away; it’s better to leave than to be replaced

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babbushka · 4 years

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I love your writing so much, I want to start there. The way you write Pale and Flip especially, but Clyde and Charlie as well.

I've been feeling very down on myself lately, self conscious of what someone would think of me. I was just wondering if you have any thoughts. You're always so uplifting.

I haven't had a partner in three years so no one has ever seen me the way I am now. Mainly, I've gained a little weight and I've stopped waxing myself, going au naturale. I kind of like it, but I'm always so worried about a future partner seeing and feeling me.

The rational brain says, if an adult can't handle body hair, you don't want them anyway. But the anxious brain doesn't feel so confident.

Im sorry if this is way too much, I just always love your advice. Im so glad you're back sharing with us❤

Hello my dear anon! Thank you very much for the kind words about the writing! First may I just say you are not alone in having these thoughts or these feelings. Especially lately, with how the shift in all our lives have gone with the pandemic, many people’s bodies have undergone changes in the last 7 months alone that make them anxious.

Bodies are going to change. That’s what they do! They adapt to the circumstances around them, we do not exist inside vacuums, and we shouldn’t be expected to. It’s a vicious cycle of systemic misogyny, how we suddenly feel as though we’re “letting ourselves go” when in reality, our bodies are simply changing. There’s nothing wrong with that, there’s nothing at all to be ashamed of for that.

Still, it’s hard to look away from that mentality when it’s something that’s been so heavily pushed on us our entire lives. I know it is, believe me, I’ve struggled with it my entire life lol. The thing that has dramatically helped me, and this is just my own personal experience, is to be wholly and completely unapologetic about the way I look.

I used to wear clothes that were two sizes too big, I used to only wear black, I used to never look in the mirror or be in photos, because it made me too anxious to see just how far outside the ‘ideal body type’ I was. And it wrecked my brain because all it did was reinforce that negative mindset that I was something that needed to be hidden away, minimized.

And after a while, I realized that not only is that just so damaging for my mental health, but it only perpetuates that misogynistic belief that we are only worthy of love, attention and care when we fit the very narrow ideal. And really, what good was that doing? I was doing more harm to myself than good, and reinforcing that negativity in a way that was bigger than just me. Seeing children learn those behaviors from the adults around them, young girls wanting to hide themselves away because they watched their mothers and grandmothers do it, really snapped me out of that. I didn’t want to be a person that, through my actions, passed down that negativity to the next generation.

So, I started wearing clothing that actually fit me and felt comfortable in a way that I hadn’t before, that showed off my body in all her glory. I wore colors and patterns that made me happy, I allowed myself to take up the space in the world that I was already taking up! I began paying attention to the most neglected parts of my body, my stomach and my thighs and my arms, I began to show them love by touching them, looking at them, recognizing that they are me and that is good.

I started taking selfies and sending them to my friends, posting them to my social media, for the sole purpose of reinforcing that I am here, and I have a presence, and my presence is not and should not be an unwelcome one. It took time, a lot of time, but eventually you get to a point where you have to come to terms with your body. This is the only one that we get, and it works so hard to keep us going, it deserves to be shown love no matter what it looks like.

As for the whole thing about worrying what a partner might think, I’m of the same opinion that you are -- if my future partner has an issue with women living and existing however they please, then they’re out of the running altogether. But you’re right, the anxious side of the brain will always worry because we have been so trained to fear the judgement of others for falling outside the socially acceptable “standard” for how women should look.

The best piece of advice that I have in that regard, is that to be honest, if you’re presenting yourself authentically to the world, then the people who love you know what you look like, and love you anyway. And if you haven’t had a partner in a couple years, and your body has changed over the course of those years, that’s okay! What matters isn’t how you looked then, but how you look now. Bodies are always going to change, and who knows, in another three years you may look completely different. But if someone is interested in being with you, they are going to be interested in the current you, the present you. Not how you may have looked years ago, and not what you might hypothetically look like years down the road.

You’re beautiful, my dear anon. You know how I know? Because you’re here. That’s an incredible feat, being here. Your body has changed and grown and moved so much to make you into the you that you are. That’s a beautiful thing. How boring would it be if we all looked the same? How dull would life be, if we all were the same size and shape, had the same features, walked talked laughed cried the same? Our beauty comes from the fact that there is no one else on the planet like us, like you.

Please don’t apologize, I’m always happy to share my thoughts with anyone who may want to hear them. We are so conditioned to feel shame and embarrassment for the simple human act of being vulnerable, and I want everyone to know that if nowhere else, you do not have to feel as if your feelings are a burden here. I’m sending you all my love and I hope that this weekend treats you kindly!

#<333 #Anonymous #cowboy answers

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corpse-weaver-ffxiv · 4 years

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𝕀𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕧𝕚𝕖𝕨 - 𝕃'𝕫𝕖𝕥𝕥𝕒 𝕄𝕠𝕣𝕘𝕦𝕖

► Name ➔ “Just call me Liz… Or come up with another epithet. People seem to like those.”

► Are you single ➔ “What kind of question is that..? I dont like this interview… Who are you again?”

► Are you happy ➔ “…Why do I feel like you just want to take that away from me? … Sorry if Im wrong, but, this? …This is a weird way to start an interview.”

► Are you angry? ➔ “No. Again, sorry, if I come out like that. What’s the point in being angry anyway? It wont change the outcome… More often, it just makes it worse...”

► Are your parents still married ➔ “No, my mom cut her ties to the bastard when she found out he’s been cheating on her. And poor thing couldn’t even take it like a man… Then again… In my experience, men tend to take the easy card out. Or torment those they know cant fight back… Disgusting.”

NINE FACTS

► Birth Place ➔ “A traveling caravan in Thanalan, on its way to Shroud, or so I was told.”

► Hair Color ➔ “Used to be black, like my mother’s, but I colored it… Now its purple.”

► Eye Color ➔ “… Metallic red. The only good thing I got from my dad… And even with that, he only gave me one… The other one is foggy and blind. Been since I was born. No heroic tale behind it.”

► Birthday ➔ “ 31st Sun of the 2nd Astral Moon”

► Mood ➔ “… Lonely. My customers are… not too talkative, really. Great listeners they are tough. And longing, maybe? I miss someone very dear to me… We will see again soon though.. We are going East.”

► Gender ➔ “Female. How does this matter to you anyway?”

► Summer or winter ➔ “I like summer. But then again, winter graves are very much calming. And I would love to see the towers of Ishgard one day… They say its always cold in Coerthas.”

► Morning or afternoon ➔ “I’ll say evening… We good?”

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

► Are you in love ➔ “… Excuse me? S… Seriously, w.. what games are you playing. Me? In love? Uhhh… L.. Love is a strong word.. M.. Maybe? …What? Is it so hard to believe?”

► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ “Sounds like a fairytale, but it may occur once in a blue moon… B.. But basically no. I do not.”

► Who ended your last relationship ➔ “I have only had one. So I could say Death did. But death is… a temporary thing..”

► Have you ever broken someone��s heart ➔ “Not to my knowing. You see… I have never been the first choise for people, when it comes for romantic interest. Except for my dear Zole, I guess. For her… I was the first choise.. Its one thing that made her special.”

► Are you afraid of commitments ➔ “Like… Overall, or are we still talking about lovey-dovey things? Yes! No? …Maybe.”

► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ “Yes. …What? N..Need a picture for a proof or something?”

► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ “Hard to believe, but who knows? Its as… unlikely as a snowstorm in Sagolii though…”

► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ “Yes. Does this even require further explanation? I just told you about my late wife’s passing..”

SIX CHOICES

► Love or lust ➔ “Love. Without love, we are lost. Without love, the lust is empty. Too often people… seem to mistake lust for love though… And that… It never ends well.”

► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ “Iced tea, I guess. I like warm drinks more though… Can I say coffee? Black… Bit of vanilla sugar.”

► Cats or Dogs ➔ “Cats. Im not a dog person. Im little bit afraid of dogs. Got bitten by one when I was young. He was just playing, but still. … Also, I have a pet cat… He’s very dear to me. And only man I ever need in my life.”

► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ “Well, either is better than no friends, right? Few best friends, I guess… Im not… I dont enjoy crowded places, thats all.”

► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ “I prefer romantic night in. Some good food… beautiful music, candles.. A bath.. maybe rose petals floating in the tub.. Just hanging around, wearing a bathrobe.. or nothing. Maybe chocolate and strawberries! Like.. for eating. Not to wear them… Then again.. why not? … One can dream, though? Yes? I.. dont know how that would work in reality though… I guess it would just be awkward..”

► Day or night ➔ “Even though I am a Seeker, I prefer night. The air feels fresh and everything is quiet.”

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

► Been caught sneaking out ➔ “Had a habit to sneak out when I still traveled with the caravan.. My… My mom kept telling me nights are for sleeping… But I dont know. I.. I really enjoy going out at night. Sometimes I got caught… But I learned to be more careful..”

► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔ “… From what reality are you coming from, if falling up the stairs is a thing for you? When you fall, you go down. There is no such a thing as an uplifting fall. You just fall down.. And land miserably on your face. … So have I? Yes. Got pushed down the stairs though, so… Its not kinda my fault. Or is it? …I guess it may just be.”

► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ “…Yes. … And yeah, thats all you gonna get.”

► Wanted to disappear ➔ “… Countless times, when I was in my teens… Oh, how I did wish I could just turn invisible… Or just disappear completely.. Can.. Can we talk about something else? This is making me uncomfortable.. …Or wait. Was that your plan all along..?”

FOUR PREFERENCES

► Smile or eyes ➔ “… You know you can smile with your eyes? … Eyes. Eyes will show you all the emotions. In some eyes, you see nothing though… Stay away from people with such eyes.”

► Shorter or Taller ➔ “Im not… very tall myself… I think I like taller.. My Zole was a roegadyn.. She… She could just carry me around on her shoulder.. Up until… Yeah. My Xue is also a little bit taller than me.. I mean! … I mean, Xue. She’s not.. mine… I mean… Can we go on?”

► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ “… I… I think you basically need bit of both for it to work… On like… relationship level..”

► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ “… I have no experience of hook-ups… So I guess its relationship... Even though, I hardly have experience of those either... But the whole idea of hook-up… just sounds unnerving. How can you just put your trust on a person like that?”

FAMILY

► Do you and your family get along ➔ “Yes. Me and mom do. I visit her time to time. …Its been a while though… Maybe I should pay her a visit.. Maybe with…”, she covers her mouth with a palm, a rosy blush rising on her cheeks.

► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ “Yes. Its not my fault though. People just seem to love to mess with me… If it was for me, I would just like to… live.”

► Have you ever ran away from home ➔ “Yes. I did when I was in my teens. Did not get far though. My… heart started to act up, as I ran, and I almost died… Mom was so mad at me.”

► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ “From home? No… I got kicked out from a band of hunters though… I used to work for them as a medic… Until.. Well, things happened… For some reason, they still see it right to torment me though.”

FRIENDS

► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ “… One… of my friends? Y.. You know.. If I did hate her, I would basically hate all my friends.”

► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ “Okai, now.. Now you are just trying to make me feel miserable. Are we done with this? B..Because I am.”

► Who is your best friend ➔ “… You know… I think I was right about this from the beginning… You just try to dig some information out of me, so you can take away the few things I still care for. Well, t…thats not gonna happen. L…Leave me alone…”

► Who knows everything about you ➔ “…Well, you dont… You dont know anything about me…”

Stolen from beautiful @unatobajhiri! Thanks, dear! 🖤

Tagging @xue-ffxiv @hangedemperor (Darkie) @kyrie-silverwings (Erebus) @finishing-touch @lydha-lran @resistance-ranger @isuke-ejinn @thefreelanceangel @craftramsay @yokasaris @captainkurosolaire @fox-den-xiv & YOU! Yes, You.

#the corpse weaver #character interview #long post

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i4z-0892-il · 5 years

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Monster House 3

Summary: Posing as Newlyweds Sam and Y/n set out to investigate what’s killing the visitors of a secluded Inn, and attempt to keep their working relationship professional.

Pairing: Sam x Reader

Word count: 6100 Oops, my keyboard slipped

Warnings: NSFW, 18+ Only, suggestive themes, language

A/N: TROPES.

Buy Sam’s Scent Here from @scentsfromthebunker (And damn does it smell goooooood)

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Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

After following the main trail for nearly half a mile it was quickly decided that the most effective course of action would be to get off the path. Neither of you were exactly sure what you were looking for, but you could both agree that whatever it was you weren’t going to find it sitting like a silver platter on a main path. However, actually stepping off of it and wandering aimlessly through the dense forest surrounding you was another matter. There shouldn’t have been a reason to worry, after all you were in the company of Sam Winchester, one of the deadliest hunters alive. If anyone should have been worried it should be whatever you were hunting. Even still the chill that slid up your spine earlier never really faded away.

Realistically that unsettled feeling could have been a number of things. You were nervous. Even though you wanted to find the thing that was snatching bodies, you also really didn’t want to find the thing that was snatching bodies. The classic double-edged sword! If you find it you could stop it and kill it, or it could stop and kill you- always a gamble. And you did not like that shit at all. Dense wilderness also put you on edge, but that was from growing up in West Virginia where there was more forest than not, and from knowing exactly what was out there.

Certain parts of the wild should not be visited. Of that you were sure, beyond shadow of a doubt.

Since you could remember you were told to stay away from specific parts of the forests surrounding the tiny town tucked in the mountains where you grew up in. Everyone knew. No one talked about it, but everyone knew. The Wilderness to the North-West was home to something far older and more dangerous than any gun in that town.

There were rules everyone knew to abide by. And only the very stupid or very foolish chose not to listen.

Don’t go into the woods at night.

Never give out your real name- or anyone’s.

If you feel you’re being watched stay calm and get out without a fuss.

Take nothing from the forest because it will want it back.

When you see the fog, leave.

Don’t listen to the whispers, ignore the strange knockings.

Close the doors and windows, and don’t look outside.

If something is following you don’t ever turn around.

In your youth you were both stupid and foolish.

The rules your father tried to drill into your thick skull never stopped you from playing in the forbidden woods. When you were little you’d run through those trees like it was your own personal playground, it was magical and enchanted and it was all yours. Everywhere you stepped in those woods was warm and inviting, like a little bubble of safety all around you. You talked to the trees, and though they never talked back you felt loved and safe.

Until you got older. Sometimes it was inviting like it was when you were just a kid, other times it was warning you to stay away.

It was September and you were fifteen when it happened- when it turned on you. Walking home from school you cut through the trees. You knew that forest like the back of your hand and the idea of shaving nearly twenty minutes off of your walk was just a little too tempting. It was still warm, and everything was golden with that afternoon hue, just before the sun starts to set, and you weren’t afraid. You were just over half way home when the shift happened. That sudden change in the air that made you stop, body frozen on the spot. The air around you dropping to a temperature so cold you could see the puffs of air coming from your mouth. Everything darkened like the sun had disappeared, but dusk wasn’t for another two hours, and it seemed like the treetops had closed the holes in the canopy trapping you and claustrophobic.

Something felt wrong, terribly, terribly wrong.

Heeding the words of your father you forced your legs to move, to carry on your way. Don’t run, don’t panic, don’t be afraid. So you kept your head down, looked straight ahead, and kept going. It wasn’t long before you felt like you weren’t the only one in the woods. And up slithered that cold, creeping hand of fear gripping the back of your neck at the base of your skull, wrapping around your chest like a spider-web making your whole body vibrate in alarm. Your pace sped up as you tried to keep your breath from shaking; as you tried to keep the panic and dread that filled you from your head to your toes at bay.

The thudding of your heart all but stopped when you glanced up and realized you had no idea where you were. It was like you had run straight into a wall of Evergreen or the trees had uprooted themselves and moved just to throw you off. You knew those woods, there was no way you could have gotten lost on a path you had walked more than a thousand times.Yet there you were, standing somewhere that seemed foreign and hostile. Swallowing down the blooming anxiety stuck in your throat you willed yourself to keep moving remembering not to stay still for too long.

Thick rolling fog slid in along the sides of your vision appearing from nowhere and suddenly everywhere. It reached for you with wispy smoke-like tendrils threatening to snag your ankles if you weren’t quick enough. It whispered your name, your name which you had so ignorantly given in your youth. Your heart raced in your chest, blood pumping furiously with adrenaline. Lungs sucked in short, sharp shocks of air as you tried to remain calm to the best of your ability, but you were only holding on by a thread.

When you felt eyes on you it was your undoing. Overcome with dread and fright you took off as fast as your feet could carry you. And the wilderness did not like that. Tearing through the trees they tried to reach out with sharp branches snagging your clothes, and slicing fine lines in your face. But you didn’t slow down, you couldn’t slow down.

It was coming.

It was gaining on you.

The Thing in the Woods.

Your heavy backpack full of school books, binders and papers slowed you down. Without second thought you dropped the dead weight, praying to God or whatever was out there that you made it out alive.

The forest moved, uplifting a root and grabbing your foot taking you to the ground tearing holes in the knees of your jeans, scraping up your hands and splitting your cheek open on a rock beneath you. It didn’t give you pause though, in full flight or fight mode you scrambled to your feet kicking up a flurry of dead leaves as you did. The snapping of branches and footsteps behind you dropped your heart into the pit of your stomach, your nervous system short circuiting as every fiber of your being turned to stone.

Everything fell deathly silent, no rustling of leaves, no wind, no birds or insects. Just the sound of blood pumping in your ears and your ragged breath coming out in wisps of cold mist.

Every limb trembled, quaking with terror as you did what you could to swallow down your panic and turn your head in slow trepidation knowing you had broken nearly every cardinal rule. Dragging your eyes along the forest floor you turned them up and a silent scream caught in your throat.

“Hey, Earth to Y/n-” Sam said waving a hand in front of your face, snapping you from your trance. Like a deer in the headlights your attention was on him, he was looking at you curious and concerned. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.” You answered shrugging off your discomfort. Shifting your weight from foot to foot, flustered under the scrutiny of his unsatisfied gaze, you turned your eyes anywhere but his face. Those damn hazel eyes would be the end of you, and you couldn’t stand him staring at you like he genuinely cared for too long. Only after you took a long look around did you realize that you had no idea where you were or for how long you’d been following behind Sam. You blamed it on the woods, they played tricks and you hadn’t been much of a hiker since your youth.

“So I think I saw a house or something just up ahead.” He continued, dropping the fact that you were so very obviously not good. That you hadn’t cracked a joke or made a comment you surely thought was witty for nearly fifteen minutes was clue enough but the spaced out, thousand yard stare plastered on your face sealed the deal. He wasn’t one to push, and you weren’t one to tell, you’d come around when and if you were ready. Even still it was a look he hadn’t seen before.

“Okay, lets go do a B and E.” You agreed with a clap before sweeping your arms to the side in a grand gesture. “After you good Sir.”

Sam scoffed and shook his head walking past you with an eye roll.

“You better be careful rolling them things that hard Sam.” You warned as you followed behind him. He turned his head, confusion creasing his brow. “You’re gonna roll ‘em so far into your head they’ll get stuck like that.”

That pulled a laugh from him, and those dimples you loved so much. You always liked to see him smile, and his laugh seemed to happen so rarely. So when he did it was like looking at the sun, radiant and warm, bringing life to all things.

He wasn’t kidding when he said he saw a house. Although “house” was a rather gracious term for what it was. It looked more like an old hunting cabin that had seen better days, held together by antique nails and the grace of god.

“Wow, this place is a dump.” You said stepping around him and into the small clearing to take in the sight fully, the fact that it was still standing on its own was impressive.

“Really? You don’t want to honeymoon here?” Sam asked as he dropped the strap of his backpack to his hand and knelt to unzip it. You stood with your hands at your hips studying the building that would surely crumble if someone looked at it the wrong way. After a short pause you turned your attention back to him.

“I thought about it, and no. I do not want to honeymoon here. As much fun as tetanus is- I think I’d rather not.” You stated. The corner of his lips pulled up as he grinned at you while extending a handful of silver bullets and a holster. He and Dean might have been content with tucking a loaded gun in the waistband of their jeans- but you were not. You knew how getting shot felt and you were not exactly the most graceful person on the planet either. The combination of the two was a recipe for disaster, and you were not trying to shoot yourself in the ass. It was a nice ass, you had full intention on keeping it that way. Strapping the holster around your thigh and snagging a silver blade from his small arsenal almost instantly made you feel better. Sam geared up and slung the bag over his shoulder again before standing and sweeping hair from his face.

“I don’t know. Clean it up a little, could be nice.”

“I somehow doubt that.”

“Yout sure? Hang some curtains over the boarded up windows there,” he said pointing to different areas on the house. “A porch swing there. And one of those little welcome mat’s that says ‘Leave’ at the door.”

Hand over your heart you turned charmed eyes up to him, sighing dreamily. “You’re right, it’s like a dream.”

“I knew you’d come around.”

“Oh, yeah Sam, let's build a summer home out of the cabin that’s at the epicenter of every single 80’s horror movie.” You snarked, nudging his arm with your elbow. “Maybe if we’re lucky a portal to hell will open in the basement on nights when the stars align.”

“You know that is exactly how lucky we are.” Sam stated with another laugh, and it cured your depression, acne, and alcoholism all at once.

“Alright, call the realtor. Make ‘em an offer they can’t refuse.”

From about a hundred feet back the place certainly looked abandoned enough. Boards covered nearly every window, most of which were missing entire panes of glass either broken in or fallen out. And it was in serious need of a new paint job, and probably an exterminator- there was no way termites hadn’t taken up residence. Thinking about bugs slowly eating away the foundation of an entire house might not have been the best way to calm your nerves, but it was a better alternative to what you were most assuredly going to find.

The heavy duty padlock and iron chain around the front door did nothing but confirm your suspicions. It was never as easy an explanation as say- a tool shed! No. It was never a fucking tool shed. It was always a house of horrors. Body parts stuffed into jars. Body parts sans the jars. Always body parts. You should have picked a better- less morbid profession.

“Think you can crack it?” You asked, obviously he could. It was dumb to even ask, but Sam gave pause to ponder anyway. He scanned the area, then back to the lock, weighing options.

“Maybe. You go left, I’ll go right, see if we can find a more subtle way in.” He answered finally. Nodding in agreement you walked along the wall looking for a point of access that wouldn’t be so obvious that someone had gone inside. Because that’s exactly what you needed, pick the lock, go in, monster-person-thing comes back to find the chain missing right off the front door. Good point Sam.

More boarded up windows, and fragile wall you might have been able to put a fist clean through if you were curious enough. And jesus fuck if you were not curious. Putting a hand on the wall you gave a little push, and there was enough give that it only granted credibility to your theory, and a little more excitement than maybe was healthy. But who didn’t want to just full on kick in a fucking wall? Crazy people. That’s who. Though that would have been arguably way less subtle than just cracking open the padlock. The argument being the cabin was falling apart anyway. The human foot sized hole would have been slightly more difficult to explain, so you tucked the urge away in the back of your mind. Begrudgingly.

Carrying on you reached a cellar door, and a set of tiny windows lining the bottom of the cabin, one of them was busted nearly completely open. Yahtzee. With a quick chirping whistle you drew Sam’s attention who rounded the corner of the house to meet you. A casual toss of your head to the side let his eyes trail to the window you were looking at.

“There’s no way I’ll fit in that, I’m way too big.” He commented without missing a beat. You snorted a laugh, biting the inside of your lips into a flat line, closing your eyes and shaking your head. How many times had he said that in his life? When you regained more control of your face and opened your eyes again he was looking at you with that perfected bitch-face, which while oh-so-judgy was still pretty damn hot. You shrugged, proclaiming your innocence.

“What? I didn’t say anything!”

He didn’t have to respond, it was clear as day what you were thinking. He moved to the cellar doors, like a normal thinking person and pulled to no avail.

“Guess it’s locked from the inside there Buckaroo.” You said peering over his shoulder, his eyes cut to you, there was that bitch-face again. With a huff he stood upright, you always liked standing close enough to him to really let his height sink in. Sam always made you feel so tiny and small, and little, like his huge frame could just swallow you whole. Not that you ever spent entirely too much time thinking about how easily he could crush you in his toned, muscular, perfectly sunkissed arms or anything. Or how he could lift you off your feet and over his head like you weighed absolutely nothing. Focus!

The cellar doors wouldn’t open which meant your plan was the most viable one on the table. And if Sam couldn’t fit through that little window it left one option. You were going to have to do it. A shudder of distaste and resentment snaked up your back. You were going to have to crawl through some busted ass window, in some creepy ass basement of a creepy ass cabin in the middle of some creepy ass woods. And god only knew what you might find inside- human jars, jars made from humans, blood paint. Eyeball soup. Buffalo Bill. Who the fuck knew. Suddenly your plan seemed a lot less fun than it did a minute ago.

“Okay, welp. Guess I’m going in.” You said shaking the jitters out of your body through your hands. Sam would never tell you that he enjoyed watching you screw your courage to the sticking place, but it was absolutely entertaining. You were kind of like a kid in a play getting ready to go deliver a monologue at the crux of the plot, who had stage fright and were bouncing up and down offstage with nervous energy. He had to hand it to you, you never backed down, and there was no denying he admired your bravery. In another life you probably would have been a Teacher or Optometrist, or some kind of niche artist. Definitely something softer, much less gritty and gory. Not that you couldn’t handle yourself, he had no doubts about you and your iron will. But if the life hadn’t found you and made the decision for you, he simply couldn’t see you as the dirt-under-the-fingernails, willingly-crawling-into-a-dingy-hole-towards-almost-certain-peril kind of gal. The sarcasm and your unabashed weirdness though? That would stay. No matter what life you wound up in, most assuredly, those two staples of you would remain. He wouldn’t have you any other way though, he loved your odd sense of humor, and eccentricities.

Crouching at the window you tilted your head at a near painful angle trying to get a better view of what you were getting yourself in to. Without asking Sam handed you a flashlight, tucking it into your hand unannounced bringing your eyes to scan him over quizzically.

“Where were you hiding that?” You certainly hadn’t seen it earlier.

“Backpack?”

“Boy scout.” You teased, because of course he would have packed for everything, he probably had a compass tucked away in there somewhere too. Sam rolled his eyes, a dimple creasing his cheek as he turned his attention back to the window.

No obvious dead bodies, so that was a plus. After shining the light around you set your mind in stone and handed it back to him so you could shimmy in through the narrow pane. There was a pretty steep drop from the window to the floor in the basement so you laid on your back, squeezing your head and shoulders through first, giving yourself a chance to grab a long wooden beam above you to hold onto for leverage, and so you didn’t drop like a rock to the floor. With a final huff you pulled the rest of your body through the open window, acutely aware of the sharp pieces of jagged glass that jabbed you with every movement. Don’t think about the spider web you just stuck your hand in. Or the other creepy crawlies lurking in the shadows just waiting to scurry over your fingers or up the leg of your jeans. And do not think about the inevitable squishing sound the floor is going to make when you step into a pile of human organs. Once in your dropped your hold and landed on your feet, kicking up a thousand years worth of dust as you did. With a hacking cough and a wave of your hand you brushed the dirt out of your face to little avail.

“Anything interesting?” Sam asked from the window, shining the flashlight directly in your eyes. Scrunching up your face you tried to block it with your hand.

“I don’t know Sam. I’m blind now, so it’s a little hard to tell.”

“Right.” He realized and reached an arm through the window handing off the light to you. Shining it around you were pleasantly surprised to find it more or less empty. Old dusty shelves lined the walls full of boxes, and tools. No mason jars full of eyeballs. Yet. Lighting up the doors to the cellar from your side you were relieved that it was just barricaded by a simple wooden beam.

Setting the light on a shelf, aiming it at the doors you went and freed the plank of wood from its slot. Sam pulled the doors open from the other side, and closed them silently behind him, taking a moment to replace the wooden board, ever careful to cover his tracks.

“Mind the dust.” You said, grabbing the flashlight from its perch. “Hey, Sam.” The second you gained his attention you flashed the beam of light in his face. “See anything?”

“Ha, ha. I get it.” He snarked snatching the torch from you hand as you stifled a giggle.

Following his lead you continued to search the basement, turning up bupkis. Nothing out of the ordinary, just a bunch of old shit that no one had probably used since the Inn was built. Save for the nice little stash of Moonshine tucked under one of the shelves.

“Yeehaw.” You said popping open the lid to the mason jar and taking a whiff, quickly turning into a sputtered cough as your eyes and throat immediately started to burn. “Good god, you could strip paint with this.”

“Yeah? Go ahead and try it, tell me what gasoline tastes like.” Sam replied with a chuckle.

“I’m not gonna drink it. You drink it.”

“No way.”

“I’ll give you five bucks if you drink it.” You insisted, there was that perfect bitch-face again.

“You’d don’t have five bucks.”

“Wow, rude. You don’t have to rub it in.” You said with a pout, screwing the lid back on the jar and tucking it back into it’s spot. Once the basement was clear you headed upstairs which was unsettling. Nothing but ratty old furnishings, more than apparent that a family had in fact lived there, but just up and left one day. Antique dolls on an old rickety shelf, children’s toys on the floor, deer heads mounted on the walls. There were still untouched plates sitting on the side table, and a book left open for place keeping. Easily the most alarming thing was the back corner which had a mess of iron chains and cuffs, and a few giant meat hooks hanging.

“Still wanna turn this place into a summer home?” He asked, the light glinting off the iron chains.

“Just remember my safeword.” You quipped, biting back a gag from the rancid smell coming from what you could only assume was at one point a kitchen. A large black mass situated in the center of the floor where the odor was coming from caught your attention, forming a pit in your stomach, and you grabbed Sam by the wrist directing the light to where you needed it.

A voice from outside distracted you from making out the shape in the floor, someone was outside. Sam cut out the light, which helped neither of you to figure out where to go from there. Hand on the grip of your gun at your thigh you waited for the inevitable stand-off as the chain on the outside of the front door rattled, lock falling away. Sam’s large hands covered your mouth and snaked around your waist as he pulled you backwards and into the crawl-space beneath the staircase. With a free hand you hooked your fingers around the frame of the slatted closet door and pulled it closed silently.

The storage area he pulled you into had to be the world’s tiniest storage space, if it were just you in there it might have been fine. But with Sam’s huge form crowding what little space was available it was awkward to say the least. The sharp incline of the stairs had his broad shoulders pressed against the flat of the ceiling, and the rest of him hunched over you practically bending you in half backwards. One hand pressed against the wall above your head, and legs at a crooked and unstable angle below you you were banking on him to keep you upright. With his arm tucked firmly at your back and his other arm outstretched to keep himself steady, hand flat against the wall behind your head it was all he could do to fit into the space with you. You were flexible enough, generally speaking, but you were not a contortionist and the Cirque du Soleil act he just crammed you into was… less than comfortable.

The front door opened and you could no longer lament about your tight quarters.

“No, I heard you.” Came a man’s voice, you tugged a finger on the slats of the door trying your damndest to sneak a peek through them, which was near impossible with Sam’s forearm against your jaw. Not that you minded so much, he was warm, and he smelled so nice it was distracting, like coffee, and vanilla, and cinnamon. He held you flush against him in a hard line down the length of his chest and abdomen, tucked between his solid thighs. Made you all tingly in the nether region, but there was no time for you to focus on his firm he was. Or the feel of his breath hot against your neck forming goosebumps on your skin. Or how the long strands of his hair tickled your cheek, and how you’d always wanted to know how soft it would feel knotted in your fingers. Or how hard your heart was pounding in your chest a little too excited to be so close to him.

“I said I heard you. It’ll be taken care of.” The Man said again, irritated. It was so dark in the cabin you couldn’t make out a thing, and you were trusting your instincts to tell you relatively where he was based on where his voice was coming from. “You just worry about your damn self, and let me do my fucking job. Or you can deal with it, but something tells me you don’t like getting your hands dirty...Yeah. That’s what I thought you’d say.”

Then there was silence, followed by a series of footsteps, heavy boots, going from the spot in the center of the room towards the kitchen. The sounds of rustling plastic, and a slow choppy drag of something weighty across the floor.

Your arm above your head was starting to cramp, and the way he had you bent backwards was already painful. Bracing yourself against the wall you twisted your body until your back was flush against his chest, careful to remain as silent as you could. Sam shifted to try to give you some room but, the poor man had nowhere to go. Under different circumstances he would not have minded your ass pressing against him in all the right places. But this was neither the time nor the place to get caught up in the scent of your shampoo, or the soft curves of your body moving against the hard lines of his. You shifted again, just trying to get a better view of what little there was to be seen through the slats in the door, but the friction of your movements was impossible to ignore. One large hand splayed out flat, low on your stomach between your hip bones keeping you still enough for him to keep his mind focused on anything other than the growing tension pooling in his core.

The feel of his hand sitting dangerously low over your jeans made heat bloom in your cheeks and elsewhere and at the moment you were grateful for the pitch black. The front door creaked open and the rustling plastic stopped long enough for it to shut again and be replaced by the sound of jingling chains and a padlock being reattached. Waiting until you were in the clear enough to make an exit from the tiny crawl-space was seemed to take forever, but at the same time it wasn’t like you were in much of a huge rush to move. After all you were a little more than content to stay exactly where you were. Sam let out a sigh, his forehead dropping to rest against the back of your neck, his warm breath sending a tingle down your spine.

“See anything?” His tone low and smooth, as if he was unbothered by the cramped quarters.

“Nothing.” There was no hiding your disappointment. The conversation you’d overheard was certainly of interest however. Pushing the door open you slipped out of the crawl-space. The drag of his long fingers over the bare skin peeking between the rise of your jeans and hem of your t-shirt sending sparks of electricity directly to your center. Sam stepped out behind you, having to adjust himself in his jeans, he could think more about the feel of holding you that close later, and he would be.

The flashlight clicked on and both of you moved directly to the kitchen which yielded- nothing.

Swatting your hands against your thighs in frustration you let out an irritated groan. The sink was backed up with blackwater, and the floor was mushy from water damage sourced from a hole in the ceiling. But there were no body parts. The lack thereof was starting to bother you, which was not a feeling you’d thought to anticipate. No one wanted to find human remains, but more than anything you just wanted to find some fucking human remains! Gank the bad guy, stop the killings, go home, take a hot bath and boom. You would be on your way to Netflix and sleep. But no! Of course it wasn’t that simple.

Upstairs was equally unfruitful. Although an unmade and dingy bed, along with some foul smelling clothes was more proof than needed that someone was living there still. Your money was on the guy you’d just heard downstairs.

The only problem left was how to get back out of the house without letting it be known they had been there. Someone would have to put the wooden board back in the cellar door-you. But you also weren’t quite tall enough to climb back through the window in the basement. There was, however, a wide open window in the bedroom, and Sam beat you to it.

“Ever thought about jumping out a window?”

“You read my mind.” You answered unenthusiastically. He pressed his forearm against the frame gauging just how far down the drop would be, deciding it was plenty safe. But you did not agree. “You’re kidding right?”

“It’s not that far.” He justified, but you were not having it. A twenty foot drop might not have seemed like much for him, but that extra foot he had on you made a hell of a difference. Not to mention the fact that he was a large wall of solid muscle, while you were small, soft and had squishy insides.

“Okay, sure- for you maybe, Gigantor. I jump down there I’m looking at a broken leg, or worse.”

“You’re not going to break your leg.” Sam reassured you, but the flat and unamused expression on your face was not something he’d be able to cut through that easily. A large hand slid along your jawline, warm and comforting. “I’ll catch you.”

You could have melted into a puddle on the spot. It really wouldn’t have taken anything more than a slight breeze to make your knees crumple beneath you. The genuine sweetness in his eyes made you forget how to breathe. Trying to get a handle on yourself, unless you drowned in those kaleidoscope eyes you scoffed. “Yeah right.”

“I promise.” He said, gaze intense and confident. Beyond shadow of a doubt you trusted him, you were sure you were also going to regret it, but you were about to find out.

“Okay.” You agreed, a little baffled that you were just going to jump out a window and trust him to break your fall. He turned to go out first, but you grabbed his arm, bringing his attention back to you, all nerves again. “Sam. You drop me and I swear once I’m out of the hospital you’re in for a world of hurt.”

Sam flashed you a dimpled smile and dropped out the window, landing on his feet, making it look easy. Of course, he always made it look easy. He was graceful and agile, like a cat. You on the other hand- not so much. You sucked in a breath and leaned out the window waiting for him to ready himself. It wasn’t the first window you’d jumped out of, not by a long shot. But any other time you were escaping with zero hesitation about what was on the other side, no time to think about it. Quick thinking jump, or die, so there was little room to question the best alternative. But you kind of just wanted to try to boost yourself through the window in the basement right about then.

“This is so stupid.” You hushed, rocking on your heels. He turned up to you, arms outstretched. Sucking in a breath you hoped you aimed right, and stepped out the window, slamming your eyes shut and bracing yourself for impact.

Impact came but it wasn’t you busting your ass on solid ground. Sam made good on his word and caught you, but you had a little thing called momentum and just kept going, practically tackling him to the floor below. He hit the dirt on his back, his arms wrapped firm around you. Eyes wide you sat up immediately, waiting for the inevitable ‘Oh god, I think you broke my rib!’ to come but he just laid out for a moment, and brought two thumbs up, head tipped back to catch the breath you surely knocked out of him.

“Hey, this was your idea.” You defended. He nodded with an exasperated grin, hands falling to rest high on your thighs where you straddled his waist. It didn’t take but a split second for you to relish the position you’d found yourself in, and took only another split second more for the wave of embarrassment to flood, as you scrambled to your feet. Not that you wouldn’t have minded staying perched on his hips a little longer, or much longer. But it was Sam, and you already shouldn’t have been thinking about him like that, and you were also a professional with a job to do, which meant you didn’t have time to wrap your brain in fantasies. No matter how mouth-wateringly tantalizing they were.

He took your outstretched hand to help him to his feet, and dusted off the foliage he picked up. When you turned away to look at your surroundings he took a moment to adjust himself once again. That was twice now he’d had you exactly where he’d wanted you, at exactly the wrong times.

Heavy fog began to roll in through the trees, and with it that sickening cold chill rolled up your spine, and you found yourself edging just a little closer to him.

“It’ll be dark soon. We should get back to the Inn.” You suggested, but it was more of a warning. The woods were telling you to get out, and you weren’t one to ignore the signs anymore.

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reesewestonarchive · 5 years

Text

chapter five / rem belongs to @forlornraven / masterpost / mature content

I don’t have a tag list so if you’re interested lemme know

South of the California border, Nakoa finds it.

The weather’s good, better than the Midwest, and Rem’s attitude is better. Freer.

Nakoa likes him like this. He buys booze and cigarettes with money that he won in pool in Vegas, and Nakoa makes a deal with a hippie they meet outside a record store for weed, and strolls the streets of Ferris, California high as a kite.

He feels pretty fucking good when he finds it, a tiny shop tucked away in between a coffeeshop and a consignment store. Music plays so loud it drifts onto the street, and Nakoa steps inside after he puts his joint out.

The shop owner lifts a hand at him in greeting, but says nothing. There’s a sign overhead that reads, DISCOUNT CASSETTES - $2 and Nakoa makes his way there, ignoring the albums and the deep seated desire he has to own them again.

When he gets a job. When he settles down.

London Calling sits right on top, along with a few other albums. Nakoa peeks inside, makes sure they’re right, that they’re really the one he wants, and… they are. All of them in damn near pristine condition.

Nakoa blinks. Picks up all three albums, puts them carefully on the counter and slaps seven dollars on the counter as well.

The clerk blinks at him. “Cassettes?”

“The van only has a tape deck.” Nakoa prefers it. CDs scratch, they skip. A tape deck can be rewound, if the ribbon comes out. Spliced back together.

The sound quality sucks, but Nakoa’ll make do.

The clerk shoves the tapes into a brown paper bag, and Nakoa leaves.

Stuffs it into his pocket, and continues down the street, taking in the city.

LA’s bigger, but Ferris is huge. Nakoa feels anonymous, here, lost amongst the sea of suits and skirts. There’s freedom, here, in a way Nakoa isn’t used to, even from the days in car from Withervale.

He crosses the crosswalk, wonders what Rem’s doing now. If he found another idiot to hustle, if he’s gambling.

If he’s still lying in the room at the motel, like he was when Nakoa left him.

“Hey,” Nakoa says, when he opens the door to the motel room, digging for the joint as he does. “I have something for—”

The motel room is fucking trashed. The bed upended, the TV sideways on the floor, scratches in the walls. Broken tables.- light flickers from where it hangs on the wall, and.

There’s a lot of fucking blood. Nakoa’s mouth goes dry, and he takes a careful step forward into the room. Wonders if he should say anything. If he should call Rem’s name, or turn around and leave.

Th van still sits in the parking lot, though, so Nakoa steps forward, into the room.

“Rem?” he calls, quiet, then louder. “This some kind of fucking trick?”

Shallow breathing, and Nakoa wishes he had a weapon. But then, Rem’s arm comes over the side of the bed, still donned in the bracelets he always wears. Relief might wash through him were it not for the blood.

“What the fuck?”

Rem staggers to his feet. “It’s—fine. Shut up.”

“There’s—” Nakoa makes a gesture to the walls. “No!” He feels a bit like he’s flailing in the water, trying not to drown when he should know how to swim. It’s not the first time. It won’t be the last.

“It’s not mine,” Rem says, like that’s supposed to help. His voice is strained. He’s holding his side, limping, and—”Don’t give me that look, Warren.”

Nakoa clenches his jaw. “What happened.”

His brain is a fog of relaxation and weed and Rem is a fan blowing it all away.

Rem sits on the edge of the bed. Surveys the damage. “The van’s still out there, right?”

“That’s not a fucking answer!”

His voice sounds too loud in the space, and someone knocks on the walls, harsh and Nakoa has half a mind to ask them what the fuck happened.

The album weighs heavy in his pocket. He says, “Rem. What the fuck?”

A beat and then Rem snaps, “Like you’re some kind of fucking saint.” Before Nakoa can respond, he says, “I was cleaning up your mess.”

“What mess?!” What has Nakoa done, aside from shop, get high, fake ID himself into a liquor store; beside put the idea of leaving in Rem’s head to begin with—besides pay for the fucking motel rooms and food, and—

Nakoa grits his teeth.

“You’re an addict,” Rem says, pot calling the kettle, and, Nakoa sees red. “And you’re more trouble than you’re worth, you know that?” His tone falls flat on his tongue and, hell. Nakoa grinds his teeth, angry and lost and heartbroken. “Always looking for your next fix.”

“Fuck you,” Nakoa says, and wishes the blood on the walls were Rem’s, because maybe then he’d shut up. “You—” He wants to punch him, but—

Rem stares at the walls, at the floor, his voice sharp when he says, “Why’d I fucking come with you?”

His tone is vicious. Nakoa’s not sure he’s ever heard him so fucking irritated, so irate, so cruel. Rem says a lot of shit, his mouth gets him into trouble in more than one way, but Nakoa’s not used to being on the receiving end.

“What the fuck did I do? Besides give a shit about you, want you to be happy?” Nakoa grits his teeth. He can’t throw punches, really wants to knee Rem in the dick for this, for dragging Nakoa across the country and pulling this on him because—

Because he got fucking scared.

Rem’s still talking, continuing to throw shit around the room, cursing Nakoa’s tendencies towards whiskey and weed, at the one time he tried heroin, voice growing louder and louder until Nakoa snaps.

“You want me gone, I’m gone. Take the fucking van.” Nakoa pulls the albums from his jacket, holds them in the air, then throws them at Rem’ chest, grateful for the way he flinches, for the clack the cases make as they fall to the floor. “Good fucking luck.”

He turns, then, sticks his hands in his pocket, and disappears through the door to the room.

“Where are you going, Warren?” Rem calls, stalking after him.

“Doesn’t matter. Not here.”

Panic might settle in his chest, if it weren’t for the weed clouding his head. He’ll figure it out. Sell himself, if he has to.

But Rem grabs at Nakoa’s arm, desperation written across his face, and Nakoa almost gives. Almost. “I’m—Nakoa. Come on.”

Just fucking once, Nakoa wishes he’d say please. “What?”

Rem licks his lips, lets go of Nakoa’s wrist. “Don’t make me say it.”

Because it’s so terrible. Nakoa goes, anyway, won’t, doesn’t listen.

It starts raining. Nakoa walks around town, without Rem at his side, and in Ferris, it’s hard to not draw attention. Nakoa ducks into a bar, flashes a fake ID, and downs three shots of whiskey in one go. It’s smooth, warm, gentle.

The things Rem aren’t, and Nakoa knows he won’t find an answer at the bottom of a shot glass, but.

Worth a try, anyway.

He keeps to his own, glaring at anybody that tries for conversation. Nakoa’s chest aches with fury, but as the night wears on, and the clock ticks closer to last call, Nakoa regrets leaving.

Did Rem leave, Nakoa wondered. If all that’s left is Nakoa’s shit. Would he? Would Rem leave him here? Alone in a strange town. Nakoa’s been left in worse places, but the idea that Rem left, without him, is… fuck, he wishes he could call him. Talk to him without seeing his face.

He closes his eyes and shoves his palms against his eyes. The bartender clicks her tongue and says, “Suck it up, sweetie. Life just gets more exhausting the older you get.”

With a peek through his fingers, Nakoa says, “Great.” Life already seems pretty shit. Nakoa can’t take much more. “That’s uplifting.”

“Not my job to reassure,” she says, and Nakoa thinks he’d sleep with her, if she asked. “My job is to pour shots. You ready for round two?”

Round two ends up in the alleyway behind the bar, smell of vomit and alcohol pungent in the air. Maybe Nakoa’s not the only one drowning a past he’d rather not remember.

Rem is beside himself at the motel, pacing back and forth with his keys in his hand when Nakoa stumbles through the front door. “Thank fuck,” Rem says, his expression so relieved it looks painful.

Like nothing he’s ever felt before, Nakoa wants to touch. Rest his head against Rem’s chest and wrap his arms around his torso. Press his nose against Rem’s jaw, and…

“Are you okay?”

Nakoa nods. The world spins. He shakes his head. Closes his eyes against the onslaught of nausea and says, “Move,” shoving Rem out of the way and heading to the bathroom to dry heave into the toilet.

Sick sounds echo off the tile in the room, and Nakoa’s muscles ache, but he sits for an hour. Half an hour, until he stops feeling woozy. Until he can get up and…

He makes it to the other room, collapses on the bed. Just a second later and Rem sits beside him, drawing his fingers through Nakoa’s hair with feather light touches.

Nakoa hums. Pushes against Rem’s hand.

“Feeling any better?”

No. Nakoa says nothing, squirms down to rest his head on Rem’s lap, though, one leg on the floor to keep the spinning in his head down. Even the thought of talking sends his stomach into twists, so he draws his nails along the seam of Rem’s jeans.

With a sigh, Rem starts working at Nakoa’s shoulders. It’s as much of an apology Nakoa thinks he’ll ever get. “I’m glad you came back,” he says, his voice soft and quiet. Nakoa waits, for an explanation, for anything, but Rem says nothing. Not about that, anyway. Not about what Nakoa wants him to say. “We could stay here,” he suggests instead.

“No,” Nakoa says. He hates California already. “Mountains.”

Before he passes out, he hears Rem’s soft chuckle, thinks he must imagine the fondness seeping through.

When Nakoa wakes, it’s to the dim glow of the television, Rem’s soft breathing behind him. Rem’s arm is a comfortable weight over Nakoa’s waist.

He has, he notes with distaste, vomit in his hair, and the entire room smells of it—and lemon cleanser, distantly.

Nakoa pulls a hand up to scrub at his face, stare at the ceiling.

Thinks this place is garbage. In a way, he misses the midwest. He never got in trouble in the midwest… at least, not like this.

He shoves Rem’s arm off his waist and sits. Sits on the edge of the bed and feels a thousand years old, a headache that pounds at the back of his skull like a hammer.

“Mm?” Rem says, reaching out. His fingers brush the back of Nakoa’s shirt. “You okay?”

“Fine,” Nakoa says. “Go back to sleep.”

He goes for a shower, then, cold not by choice but by poor water heaters, lets the chill wash goosebumps over his skin. Nakoa’s been high once, one time since they left Withervale, and… what would the hippie have to do with him, now? Nakoa paid. He paid extra, even, because he liked the guy.

…is that what he did wrong?

The door to the bathroom opens. Through the frosted glass door, Nakoa makes out Rem’s form as he comes in. Still, Nakoa says nothing, turns away, shoves his face under the water.

Not sure if it’s shame or anger keeping him from speaking.

The door slides open after a minute and Nakoa hears, feels Rem’s presence as he climbs in behind him. “Shit that’s cold—” he says, and presses himself against Nakoa’s back.

“What are you doing?” Nakoa asks, his voice barely audible over the roar of the water. Rem presses his lips to Nakoa’s shoulders in a kiss. He’s tired. He aches, everywhere, but especially his stomach, his shoulders, with the effort of throwing up. The last thing he wants to do right now is balance for shower sex, or get on his knees.

But Rem’s hand doesn’t travel downward, doesn’t go anywhere except around Nakoa’s waist to tug him tight against him. He’s not hard, either. Not yet. Nakoa’ll give it five minutes and call it.

“You freaked me out,” Rem says, his voice soft. “Thought… what if he doesn’t come back?”

Nakoa goes still, his eyes set on the small bar of soap sitting on the ledge, but that’s… it. Doesn’t say anything else, doesn’t know that he can. His toes are starting to feel like ice. He twists the hot water all the way to the left, but even as the water finally starts to warm up, Rem is still like a fire against his back.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you?”

“This supposed to be an apology?” Nakoa asks. He reaches for the soap, not sure if he cares about pissing Rem off, now. Let him be pissed. What’s he going to do, leave Nakoa here? “It’s pretty fucking lacking.”

“Fuck you,” Rem says. His voice isn’t as harsh as Nakoa thinks he means for it to be, though. Instead, it’s… softer, quiet. Gentle, and Nakoa suppresses a shudder when Rem brushes his lips along the back of his neck. He pushes Nakoa’s wet hair out of the way and adds, “It’s good you came back.”

All the right sentiment and the wrong words. Nakoa relents, finally, says, “Don’t have anywhere else to go.” And he doesn’t. He’s not sure what might await him at home, but he’s not keen on finding out. The other options are hardly appealing—wandering the countryside as a homeless weirdo… Nakoa’ll pass.

Even at his worst, Rem’s still the best thing that’s ever happened to Nakoa. A lifetime of shit led them here, in this moment.

“What do you want from me?”

The water pounds against Nakoa’s skin, almost aching now in its heat. He closes his eyes, rubs soap against his body, and thinks. Commitment’s too much to ask. Nakoa’s not sure he wants it anyway. What would he do with commitment?

“I don’t know,” Nakoa says.

Rem doesn’t speak, after that.

The bed feels better after cleaning the grime off, so just as daylight begins to peek out of the curtains, Nakoa climbs back under the covers. The sheets smell like Rem and spilled whiskey, and he inhales once, twice, heavy and deep, before he settles in.

His head isn’t pounding as bad, anyway. Finally.

Rem’s pulling on his boots at the small table, though. He pauses before he ties the last one, his gaze heavy enough on Nakoa that Nakoa opens an eye, then two. He croaks, “What?” and doesn’t expect an answer.

“I’ll be back later.”

And out the door he goes.

The trouble is, Nakoa’s used to Rem’s disappearances. Before the door’s even locked behind Rem, Nakoa’s eyes are closed again. Rem does better no questions asked, so Nakoa doesn’t ask. Figures if it’s important, Rem will tell him.

He dreams of white picket fences, of guys with clubs and bats, of broken windows and Rem’s bloody knuckles. Of motel rooms across the country, of Disneyland. Of being happy, and Nakoa thinks, that’s what he should have told Rem, when he asked in the shower what Nakoa wanted from him.

Happiness.

#road to nowhere au #my writing

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playerentity · 6 years

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ɪ’ᴍ ɴᴏᴛ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴜᴛ ᴛʜɪs ᴏʀ ᴘᴜᴛ ɪᴛ ᴜɴᴅᴇʀ ‘ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴍᴏʀᴇ’ ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ ᴛʜᴇsᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴍʏ ғᴇᴇʟɪɴɢs ᴀɴᴅ ɪ ᴀᴍ ɴᴏᴛ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ʜɪᴅᴇ ᴛʜᴇᴍ ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ‘ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ sᴇᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ’.

Today I woke up to the news that a friend of mine that I’d known most of my life had passed away last night. I knew her through her husband. I’d known them both through the local convention scene here in my hometown. I knew I was going to be sad, that I’d feel grief, but it has affected me much more deeply than I thought it would. It’s affected me not just because of her passing, but because of how this will affect the lives of her husband and her son. A man has to go on without his soulmate and a son had to go the rest of his life without a mother. It was also this horrible gut punch of reality that the delusion that we always have time is just that: a delusion.

Life is so fucking short. Nothing is promised. Not time, not health, not safety. All of it can end in a second.

It’s made me realize that life is too fucking short to not try and make some effort to tell those in your life what they mean to you. To make better efforts to spend time together. You become an adult and your life gets busy but you idiotically always tell yourself “I have time” when it comes to friends. But you don’t. You don’t and you never did and never will. Tomorrow isn’t promised. Death does not discriminate and it does not care if it’s inconvenient.

Life is too god damn short for unneeded hate and negativity. It’s too short for those things that drain you. And yet I see it on here so fucking often. I see people telling people to kill themselves or to delete or that they don’t fucking belong here. Over what? Fiction? Jesus christ people. This is supposed to be where people come to escape from the pain of their lives, not remind them of the horrible state of the world. We force so much on and out of people on here. So rarely do we try to be positive and uplift others, everyone wants to tear others apart. All I see is hurt. And it’s sad. It’s sad and disappointing. My friend’s passing has made me realize a lot, about quite a few aspects of my life.

That I spend my short life on this planet allowing myself to be drained by things in places where they don’t belong. Just, fuck people. Be kind to one another. Today if you can, tell some one, even if it’s just one person, in your life what they mean to you. Tell them you love them. Tell them you’re thinking about them. Hug those you can. Whether it’s people in your real life or here online. We take so much for granted, he spend time making ourselves sick over things that don’t matter. We need to be better. Appreciate people in your lives. Do something positive today.

When one good person leaves the world, you need to continue on that goodness. And fuck if I am not gonna try.

I don’t entirely know if I’m gonna get any writing done today or if I’m going to feel like it. If I do, it likely won’t be here on tumblr. I may be up to writing on Discord. So if you don’t already have my discord and you’d like it so we can write or plot or just chat, feel free to IM. I just don’t feel like I can entirely handle the dashboard today on the off chance that people feel the need to injure others over meaningless shit today.

Have a good day.

- Leo

#cw loss #cw grief #cw death mention #long post

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punapurreciator · 6 years

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My Favorite Ladybug Writers

So I pretty recently joined the Miraculous Ladybug fandom (about 4 months?) and I went on an absolute reading spree but Noticed a lot of the fic rec lists out there are pretty sparse or there's a lot of repetition. And I figured, ya know I just read nearly 300 fics over the last few months I might as well make some recommendations XD

So this is the first of possibly many rec lists Im going to put together for the Ladybug fandom. enjoy!

Quicksilversquared

This writer has 89(!!!) Fanfics out there for Miraculous Ladybug and they are pretty much ALL wonderful. The writing is excellent, characterization on point and there's never a boring moment. And the great thing is that most of these stories (even the serious/heavy ones) have some degree of playfulness to them. This writer never seems to let you walk away without a smile, and that's amazing.

Here are a few of my favorites:

The Cooking Contest - An out-of-class assignment leads to the entirety of the class participating in a cooking competition. …some people do better than others.

the Anniversary - The anniversary of Adrien's mother's disappearance was always difficult. He's sure nothing can make his day any less miserable… ...until a certain spotted superhero shows up.

the Crocodile Glasses - When knock-off copies of Jagged Stone's super-awesome Eiffel Tower start popping up, Jagged is not pleased. Still, it doesn't take long to come up with a solution- he just needs to release his own official line of sunglasses! And naturally, he needs one Marinette Dupain-Cheng to design them for him. Now, if only Marinette could figure out how to execute some of Jagged's more out-there ideas...

Hacking the Ladyblog - Chat Noir likes taking goofy pictures on patrol. That was normal. What was not normal was those photos showing up without any explanation on the Ladyblog.

Princess to the Rescue - Chat Noir gets into a bit of trouble when the akumatized magician Exodus the Spectacular overpowers him in a fight and Ladybug is nowhere to be seen. Thankfully, a baker’s daughter joins the fight. aka Marinette totally has Bo staff fight training and kicks some villain butt.

Cuddles in a Coat - In a lot of ways, Adrien Agreste isn't a normal teenage boy. He's a model, he has a bodyguard, he's secretly a superhero.... But just like any other teenager, he'll stubbornly refuse to admit when an adult was right. Even if he ends up freezing because of it.

Otoshigo Another talented writer is Otoshigo who seems to straddle the border of utterly adorable (see: For the Love of Shoujo ) and Slightly twisted (See: Benefactor ) or even dark. This writer can play the characters as the awkward blushing teens they are, and they can just as easily (and convincingly!!!) twist their perceptions ever so slightly toward something deeper (and slightly terrifying)

Some of the stories CAN be really weird and out there, but hey, read the tags so you know what you’re getting into and you won't have any trouble. (shrugs)

Some more of my favorites include:

27 Secrets - “Secrets,” Chat purred, waving the photo out like a little flag. “I want secrets. Twenty-seven pictures worth of secrets. And you’ll give them to me. One picture at a time.” [Shameless Marichat]

Caught and Captured - Adrien gets caught in a little lie, that somehow only spirals more and more out of control. Is there any way to pull himself out of it? Does he even want to? [Adrienette]

(Adrien acts like cat noir around Marinette and she thinks they've body-swapped. X3 This story Is simultaneously hilarious and heart-wrenching)

Marinette Saves the World - Through a series of unfortunate events, average and clumsy Marinette meets a boy from the future! Who says that he needs to have sex with her to save the world? Except no. Just... no.

(OMG this one!!! Drop what you’re doing and read it NOW!!! It's so freaking sweet and seriously romantic!!!)

Guilty Pleasures - An anonymous writer is a little too good at writing fanfiction and Marinette somehow gets roped into reading it. Problem is, now she can’t put it down. [LadyNoir]

Chat Noir: Calendar Edition - Marinette’s class has to come up with an idea to make some cash for their upcoming class trip. However, things go awry with their plan and somehow Chat Noir gets involved. All Marinette wants is to go to Nice with Adrien. Can she make it through this without losing her mind?

Clairelutra Next up is Clairelutra who seems to make it a goal to melt her readers to piles of goo with sexual tension so thick you COULDN'T cut it with a knife. (Almost all her stories are rated as at least T) but, (as much as I love sexual tension and smut in a fic) That’s far from all this writer brings to the table. Clairelutra is a master at grabbing a readers heart and "puppeteering" (puppeteer, haha) it any way she so chooses.

Whether she deigns to make you tear up and/or cry : ( see: river flows in you) Or gets your heart racing in her action scenes ( see: welcome to the show) or makes your toes curl during a kiss ( ALSO see: welcome to the show, and Bang Bang, and... ahem. well there are a lot.) And there's that (WONDERFUL AMAZING PRECIOUS) element of tenderness and longing in just about EVERY romantic scene that just KILLS me every time.

Anyway, some of my favorites of hers include:

gonna miss this someday - “I mean, am I just too clingy?” Chat asked her ceiling, reclining on her lounge and tossing a spare ball of yarn up and down as Marinette beaded with a vengeance. “I know it’s just one day, but I miss her.”(When Ladybug misses their nightly friend-date, Chat asks Marinette for girl advice.)

i think it’s time i told you (i’m a fan of your universe) - “...Something up, minou?” He didn’t answer her at first, staying silent as he opened his palm and stared at it. Or rather, stared at the ring in it.

Ladybug stared, almost unseeing, at the blood-red stone nestled in its bed of diamonds, and wondered why it suddenly felt like she couldn’t breathe.

(It wasn’t necessarily an engagement ring, right? She... she would’ve known if he had a lover, wouldn’t she? Chat was too much of a hopeless romantic to not gush about a significant other to anyone who would listen if he had one... right?

It could be a memento or a gift or... something. Something that didn’t imply Chat was about to get married.)

“...Have you ever thought about getting married?” ...Or not.

you're really my dearest friend - Sometimes, the process of getting out is much more difficult than it really should be — but sometimes friends can help, if you let them.

we're the kids your mama warned you about - (A collection of PWP oneshots, mostly focusing on Ladynoir/the love square, as I try to teach myself how to sin.)

hot mess - (the sequel to Bang Bang ) ...What did one say to one's vigilante partner when said partner was in costume and he was in a bathrobe? What did one say to the lady who had pinned him to a wall and kissed him senseless, not knowing he was her partner? What did one say to the girl he had been in love with for years when he was alone with her in his room at night? "Come here often, beautiful?" Not that. Imthepunchlord Oh wow, here's a writer who knows how to balance playful with exciting really well. A lot of their fics are action/adventure driven plots and they know how to build up to that big fight at the end without making you spend half the fic dreading it. There's always too much happening for you to feel much besides excitement. Which, honestly, I LOVED about these stories. They keep the ball rolling at a great pace and never seems to rely on exposition when they can just show you something. And that lends itself to the feeling of being right there in the story with the character. (A MUST for any good action/adventure) This writer also knows how to stretch the rules with magic and the kwami juuust right to make everything fit and still be believable (a gift if ever I saw one)

Some of my favorites from Iamthepunchlord are:

Marinette and the Seven Little Gods - Marinette been down on her luck, waiting for the day karma would give her something good, something that would make her life better! She wasn't expecting karma to give her a box, a box with seven little gods in it.

Over the Wall - The accident, while unintentional, was costly. For her wrong doings against Chloe, Marinette is sent over the wall to die. But instead of death, she winds up in a strange, unnerving world. Good thing she'll have a cat to watch her back in this bizarre place. (inspired by a mix of movies and shows: Stardust, Beauty and the Beast, Alice in Wonderland, Secret of Moonacre, and Over the Garden Wall.)

Trouble in White - Finding your soulmate is supposed to be uplifting, and amazing, and just... miraculous. But for Marinette, it wasn't any of that. Her soulmate, he... he was... What does one do when your soulmate is an akuma?

The Ladybug and The Mer - When Captain Ladybug is lost at sea, she finds herself saved by one of the most dangerous sea beings in the world: a mer. (Merman Adrien AU)

Always a Hero, No Matter the Miraculous - (a LARGE series) it covers a big variety of Miraculous/kwami swaps. Including such favorites as:

Rise of Mariposa - Where Marinette is chosen by the butterfly to help Cat Noir in his fight against Harlequin who has taken possession of the ladybug miraculous for her own selfish gain.

& the short: Delicate Wings - Where Adrien is the butterfly helping ladybug fight the evil black cat from afar.

Kindness from a Stray - where Adrien and Marinette have kwami swapped (There are several shorts like this, all equally funny/cute)

A Declaration of Love - Adrien is the fox and Marinette is the peacock <3

(oh GOD I love this one. it's an all-time favorite. It’s very sweet and playful and its done so well that it just WORKS. I love the conflict of his feather allergy keeping Adrien (AKA Malin) from his beloved Belle Bleue XD)

Freedom_Shamrock If fluff is your thing PLEASE check this writer out!!! Freedom_Shamrock is a master of cuddles, snuggles, and hugs. Their stories just exude a soft comforting vibe that sinks into your bones and stays there for the rest of the day. But they are also INTERESTING. The conversations are memorable, The plots are intriguing and the characterization is lovely. If you want something sweetly romantic to read look no further.

Some of my personal favorites include:

Something Familiar - Marinette is a teenage witch, and it's time for her to find a familiar. (Witch AU, no kwamis, Adrien never got to go to school) ( HIGHLY RECOMENDED!!! Cutest cat!Adrien fic EVER )

A Little Light - (series) its basically an adorable series where Adrien notices Marinette on his own and asks her out. It follows up with their first date, some problems with dating while being a superhero, and then an accidental reveal. (every bit of this one is SO SO CUTE.)

Hugdrien (AKA: Adrien Needs Hugs) - (series) With this one the name pretty much says it all. It’s a series of stories where Adrien is having a tough time at home and Marinette and their friends/her family are there for him.

Miraculous Acts of Kindness - (series) this series is basically a slowburn MariChat fic XD It’s super cute and fluffy but also leads into Mature waters so be aware of that! BullySquadess @bullysquadess

Here's another writer who's clearly out to melt her readers with sexual tension But BullySquadess is out to do it with a goddamn VENGEANCE. (and she WILL make you laugh yourself to death getting there) Her stories are drop dead sexy and SUPER funny. It's the kind of well-built humor that has you cackling so loud people can hear you across the house and forces you to take breaks from reading just to BREATHE. I think the best part of this writers style for me is the hopeful longing she just pulls out of Chat like its the most natural thing in the world. It’s so so so so so sweet and it plays to his character perfectly. and she gets it just right every time. word of caution: the writer multi-ships so if you don't dig it then check the tags before getting invested. XD

My favorites of hers include:

The Ladybugs and The Bees - Ladybug and Chat Noir tackle teenhood! Watch our heroes face the realities of growing up- surviving puberty and akuma alike as together they navigate the unknown pitfalls of love and first-time intimacy. Also dick jokes. There's like... alot of dick jokes.

Oh man who hasn't read this one? It's been on like every fic rec list i could find when i first joined the fandom. But oh WOW does it deserve it. This sucker is 38 (!!!) chapters long so far (!!??) and I've read it THREE TIMES. I joined the fandom like FOUR months ago! And yet I keep coming back to this one becouse it's just SO GOOD.

Seven Minutes - Post-Reveal, Adrien and Marinette continue to play chicken with their feeling. Alya, however, has other games in mind...

Live by the Ladybutt - Chat likes Ladybug's Ladybutt. Ladybug likes that Chat likes her Ladybutt. Crack ensues.

Casual - Ladybug has grown exceptionally comfortable with her partner... which means Chat Noir is #suffering.

The Pitfalls Of Being a Wingman - We all know the classic Marichat tale, but what's happening behind the scenes of our favorite duo's love-making? (AKA Plagg regrets everything and it’s HILARIOUS) XDD

Cohabitation (And Other Disastrous Ideas) - These two best friends decide to move in together, what happens next will shock you! (Or not, considering all roommate fics end up the same anyhow.) thelastpilot

Oh man, all of this writer's stories have this element of almost poetic beauty to them that it's really hard to describe the style. There's never a word or a scene wasted with this writer. It's all about slowly building up that relationship brick by brick, SEEING the characters getting closer and closer with every new meeting and then finishing it off in a MASSIVELY fulfilling way. The humor is top notch too but it seems to take a backseat to the plot and considering how well done the plot typically is I have no problem with that.

word of caution- This writer multi-ships so If you're like me and looking for a specific pairing remember to check the tags! XD

My personal favorites of this writer include:

Won't Tell a Soul - Nino accidentally runs head long into the biggest most stressful secret he can imagine, but now that he knows the truth about Marinette he is determined to help her in any way he can. (Adrien Agreste/Marinette Dupain-Cheng)

& Its sequel: The Weight of Jade - which shockingly (for this list) centers around Nino/Alya. This writer really knows how to get their characters across in all the best ways. This is one of the few times in fanfiction I really found myself really enjoying a side character's story and that's something HUGE.

Rainy Days - A storm rolls through Paris and refuses to let up, so when a water fearing cat is rescued by the kind efforts of his designing classmate he starts to pay a little closer attention to someone he should have always known better.

Quiet Ice, Silent Nights - Cat Noir is on a late night patrol when he catches sight of an elegant lone figure skater, and is surprised to discover it is his classmate Marinette.

Okay, this one is simply put, a work of ART. It is beautiful. The way the writer lovingly describes the ice skating and (spoilers: the piano scenes) makes you really FEEL the beauty of the moment. It’s so lovely.~ Seriously, drop what you're doing and read this if you haven't already

Paw Problems - (An alternate version of the Animan Episode) The class has taken a field trip to the zoo, but when Kim starts being a jerk and creates a major situation, are Ladybug and Cat Noir going to be enough to get everyone out on two feet? Or are the classmates going to need to get used to paws, hooves, and talons? Sadly, this one's unfinished. But let me say I LOVED the little snippets of humor in this, especially Chloe's animal form and Nino's reaction to it. XD KryallaOrchid The style KryallaOrchid uses is pretty similar to Quicksilversquared in that the stories all have some degree of playfulness and humor to them ( I love that in fics) but they also aim for something a little deeper too. this writer likes to play on the idea of rightness between the characters and builds off it as they go. (I'm all for the 'soulmate' vibe Adrien and Marinette have going on)

Some favorites are:

Tendencies - (series) Miraculous have side effects. From pats becoming a necessity to eating flowers, follow Adrien and Marinette as they come to terms with their new tendencies, and each other. Hawk Moth is coming.

This is a LOOOOOONG series and makes for a very entertaining read.

Sting - When Chat Noir inexplicably disappears, leaving Ladybug bee-hind to face Papillon on her own, a new wielder is chosen to keep the akuma from swarming. Ladybug is adamant she doesn’t want another partner buzzing around and why is this new-bee flirting with her? Meanwhile, Adrien just wishes Ladybug would stop bugging out and listen to him because his bee puns are fuzz-tastic.

I seriously went into this one thinking I wasn't going to like it and I ended up falling head over heels for it. Sting is SO worth the read. Watching poor Ladybug freak out over her missing partner (sending him voicemails wondering where he is and trying to reassure him she's not 'replacing' him with this new bee hero and that she's going to get him back ) Is so SO SOO heart wrenching and sweet.

(and thankfully Adrien DOES manage to get through to her that Chat IS 'Bumblebee’ fairly early on so we aren't left stewing in angst FOREVER)

Reflections - The mirror shows you how you truly are, but for a Miraculous holder, it shows what was. All Marinette can see is ghosts and she doesn’t want to become one. (A heart-wrencher for SURE but the ending was SO worth it.) ---

#Miraculous Ladybug Fic rec list #fic rec list #Ladynoir #Marichat #Adrienette #Ladrein #Favorite fic writers

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warmau · 7 years

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Prince!Seungkwan

find the other members [here]

as much as seungkwan is a prince, who is charitable and loving to his people - he’s also a world renowned singer and entertainer

ever since he was young, the royal family had invested in tutors from around the world to cultivate his obvious talent

and as much as some people might have thought it was “unfit” for a prince of a country to also be a celebrity,,,,,,,more people in the country supported him

because after winning a competition for singing, that landed him on international TV, people started to flock to the country

not only to be tourists, but to see seungkwan

who admittedly, was first sheepish about fame, but soon grew to be extremely good in front of cameras

like not only was he an amazing singer, with singles that climbed the charts, but he was funny and charming

(and handsome beyond belief, even more so in person)

so it was no surprise he was gaining fans,,,,,and even if he was royalty,,,,he still signed t-shirts and posed for photos and made constant grateful gestures towards those who said they liked him

and ,,,,, singing has always made him the most happy

from singing in front of the entire country to singing in his shower in the morning

his parents were happy his career was bringing money to the country, but seungkwan was happy too - that he could meet other singers, people he looked up to

and could share his voice with the world

every time he’d be traveling, he’d also be writing. ideas for lyrics and small poetry

when he was supposed to be taking part in meetings with other royals, they always asked for him to show off a piece of his song and he’d act blushy, but would sing it with ease if they really asked

one royal who had met seungkwan at a conference described him as always cheerful, but with a voice that could make you feel so many different things

honestly, one of his own bodyguards on the lowkey asked seungkwan for his signature so he could give it to his daughter and seungkwan not only gave it, but also told the bodyguard that his daughter could come see him perform for free if she wished

seungkwan had never seen a grown, ripped man jump for joy before that day hehe

and you’ve been friends with seungkwan since your mother was one of his singing tutors

she didn’t have anyone to take care of you sometimes, so she was allowed to bring you to lessons as long as you stayed quiet

of course being the same age as seungkwan,,,,he was quick to befriend you and when your mom wasn’t looking you two would make faces at each other or whisper jokes into each others ears

do kid stuff, that otherwise seungkwan wasn’t really allowed to do

and as you two got older it got more and more apparent that seungkwan,,,,,was lonely inside the palace

so even when you were old enough to stay at home by yourself, you insisted on coming along with your mother

just so you could be seungkwan’s company, that you could see he really really needed

at some point, you became allowed to visit seungkwan without your mother. you would walk around the giant gardens, visit the stables, play in the tennis courts, and sit with seungkwan in his huge bedroom - listening to him practice his vocals

you two were the definition of best friends,,,,,, until seungkwan got famous

he was always famous as the prince, but after winning that award he became famous as a celebrity

he had no time to idle around with you, and he didn’t even need lessons from your mother anymore

seungkwan tried, multiple times to invite you over, but last-second you’d receive word from a servant or seungkwan’s staff that he was busy - he couldn’t see you

which was why, when you got a note - in seungkwan’s unique handwriting - to meet him at the village bridge that night, you were ecstatic

of course you had village friends, family members, and other people to hang out with but seungkwan had always been your best friend

he made you laugh the loudest, smile the widest, and in general he made your heart warm with his antics and welcoming personality

you wondered sometimes when you saw him on TV, doing interviews and singing, that sure he made people laugh and people adored him - but did anyone know him like you did

the afternoons in his room, listening to him fumble with lyrics, chuckle it off, then try again

you two would eat treats from the palace kitchen on the balcony, hidden from seungkwan’s parents and do impressions of royal guards or higher ups

seungkwan asking you what it was like to go to actual school, to have actual friends

your mother once told you that you shouldn’t fall in love with him,,,,which you had made a face at because ew,,,,we’re just best friends!!! but looking back on it,,,,maybe,,,maybe she was right

waiting on the bridge,,,you couldn’t deny the beating of your heart or the way the same mundane stars in the sky made you actually smile

and when seungkwan appeared, looking over his shoulder it took a lot out of you not to run over and hug him

“how have you been?”

he asked,,,,up close you could see his face was slimmer than before. he’d lost weight again.

“alright, you? i saw your performance from england on TV last night. is it tiring?”

seungkwan gives a small chuckle “nothing is tiring for me, you know i can handle anything.”

“you’ve always been the best”

seungkwan’s smile falters, and the usual sparkle in his eyes seems to have dulled

“i need to tell you something.”

you lean against the rail of the bridge,,,it’s fall and so you’re wrapped in a long sleeved sweater,,,,you notice that seungkwan is wearing only a button down shirt

“ok, but aren’t you co-”

“im getting married.”

your breath hitches in your throat and you stare at him in silence as you try to process the last word of his sentence

married? aren’t you too young?

his eyes flick away from yours and he does a small shuffle

“i mean, im not getting married TOMORROW, but it’s going to happen in a year - maybe two. it’s to another famous singer, it was arranged by our parents.”

the explanation doesn’t stop the buzzing in your brain,,,,,married,,,,,,seungkwan,,,,,,married??

sensing your stare, seungkwan grabs the rails and goes “it’s such a nice night, you can see all the stars! that one, the little one looks like woozi, do you remember him he’s one of the sons of -”

“do you like them?”

seungkwan stops talking and looks over at you again

“woozi?”

“no, the person you’re m,,,marrying”

seungkwan makes a face, but doesn’t say no. instead he goes “i never thought about marriage till now. if it’s good for my country than-”

“i understand.”

seungkwan looks at you like he doesn’t know what you mean, but you only smile back

“i hope you guys grow to really like one and other. im glad you told me, ill be cheering for you.”

with that, you push off the railing and motion to the road you need to take home. seungkwan doesn’t move from his spot, but he seems to want to say something

you’re not sure you want to hear it so you say goodbye, that it’s late and he’ll probably get in trouble with the guards. seungkwans nods and you wave before walking away

you don’t hear him call out your name, softly under his breath

a couple of months pass and you get a package in the mail

half expecting it to be wedding invitations, you don’t touch it for a good week. till finally you decide it’s now or never

to your surprise, it’s no invited, it’s a stack of photos wrapped in pretty ribbon

you carefully take them out, one by one and see the photo of you and seungkwan

so young, happy, running through the gardens

another one is just you, you have seungkwan’s crown on your head that is way too big and you’re laughing

the other is of seungkwan, he’s wearing the same crown, lopsided from it’s size, laughing too

at the end of the pile is a letter;

thought you might want to see these, are you free to see me some time?

the signature is seungkwan’s and you place it back in the box. you’re not sure if you want to answer it or not

part of you knows that seungkwan has no choice in the matter of his marriage, when do royals ever do, but part of you is angry that he didn’t even,,,,

he didn’t even try to tell you that he might have feelings for you,,,

but the again you don’t even know if he does, you shouldn’t blame him if he doesn’t, but it still hurts

you sit at your desk,,,,looking at the paper and write ‘i want to see you too. tell me when.’

you get a reply, along with a card that tells you there will be a dinner hosted by the royals

your mother is even invited, along with other tutors of seungkwan and prior staff

on the evening of, you see seungkwan standing beside a gorgeous young girl at the top of the stairs

they’re laughing and her auburn curls frame her naturally pretty face

you make eye contact and quickly, you cast your gaze down

“at least there’s free caviar” you try to uplift yourself, but as soon as you manage to get to the display of delicacies at the other end of the room, someone grabs you

turning around you see the girl who was standing beside seungkwan

with an accent, she tells you to come with her and you don’t even manage to stutter out a reply till she’s pulled you out of the crowded room and into the desolate hallway

is she going to tell me to keep away from seungkwan? is this my last night? am i royally and utterly fuc-

“seungkwan loves you.”

you pause and go “e-excuse me?”

with a smile the girl lets you go and repeats herself, “seungkwan loves you.”

“no he do-”

a gloved finger comes up to hush you

“you have seen him on tv, yes? the smiling, the laughing, he told me he can only be like that because he thinks of the one person who makes him happy. it’s you. without you, he’s just - what is the word -”

“im a mess”

turning around you see seungkwan in the hallway

the girl nods, touching your arm gently again before disappearing to leave you two alone

“your fiance just told me you love me, so im not sure what is happening,,,,”

seungkwan walks closer and you can see in the dim light, the sparkle in his eyes that wasn’t there the last time you two met

looking refined, in a full suit with the country’s coat of arms pinned to his lapel, his crown - the same one in the photos fits perfectly, and the smile

the smile that makes your heart do flips,,,,, is just for you, ,,,

“she wasn’t supposed to confess for me, but i guess she took my spotlight”

he jokes, taking your hand

the music starts playing from the other room and seungkwan motions if you’d like to dance

“i would like to talk actually.”

“we can do both.”

with his hand on your waist, you and seungkwan turn through the empty hall

you look at him,,,swallowing your nervousness

“how can you love me if you’re going to marry her?”

“because my heart decided it, it was like ‘no seungkwan - you are going to be madly and forever in love with your best friend. not take backs’.”

you roll your eyes, but you can’t help the smile on your face

“but what about ,,, the marriage?”

“well first, tell me - do you love me too?”

he twirls you around and you stumble, but his hand catches you in time

“i,,,of course i do.”

seungkwan leans in, kissing your forehead and you’re sure there must be fireworks going off in your heart

“then we’ll make it work. watch.”

seungkwan takes your hand firmly in his, you follow clumsily as he walks back into the ballroom

without a word, he leads you up the staircase

in the crowd, you see the girl giving you a thumbs up, the shock on your mothers face, and the worry on the queen and kings

“excuse me, can i have your attention?”

seungkwan calls out when you two get to the top

the entire packed room turns, silent

“a lot of the people here tonight mean the world to me. but someone means the universe, the world, space, beyond that - and it’s them,,,”

seungkwan steps to the side and everyones eyes focus on you

“i love them, and i want everyone to know now. in the future, if im going to marry anyone - it’s them.”

the crowd is quiet, but then breaks out into cheers. someone shouts out that young love is beautiful

your mother smirks to herself knowingly, and you’re pretty sure the queen has fainted

but seungkwan’s hand is warm on your cheek as he lean in to press his lips to yours

this time, the cheers of the people are the fireworks

and you can’t believe it, but your kissing your best fried - the prince

when he pulls back seungkwan whispers “that should take care of the arrange marriage, aren’t i genius?”

you giggle, telling him to stop being so funny but at the same time he’s right

the next morning the entire country is bustling with news of seungkwan’s love confession

,,,,,,and his ex-fiance is apparently happy to be back in her own country,,,,with her own real love

you almost die when you see a photo of you and him on the front page of the newspaper and your mother just points to it like

“i told you so”

#seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #seungkwan scenarios #seungkwan imagines #17 scenarios #17 imagines #sfw #member: seungkwan #prince!au #pledis seventeen #Seventeen #seungkwan #seungkwan scenario

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almasidaliano · 3 years

Text

Mental Health Matters

i am not okay. .. and that is okay. it's okay not to be okay sometimes. it's all okay, even if it hurts. you have to always remind yourself that it's okay even when it hurts because it is always going to hurt.

imagine waking up, and for no reason at all wanting to die. imagine every day being that way until they start to run together and then it just becomes this on going day that goes on forever, and you go from waking up every morning to greeting the sun with a sign because once again you've failed to die.

i'm not always sad, i always have SAD learn the difference. SAD: Social Anxiety Disorder. thought that was it? nope. ready for the list?

SAD - SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER GAD - GENERAL ANXIETY DISORDER SP - SOCIAL PHOBIA CLINICAL DEPRESSION GENERAL DEPRESSION SEASONAL DEPRESSION (DID - DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER BPD - BI POLAR DISORDER) PTSD - POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER INSOMNIA BULIMIA NERVOSA

welcome to my mental health rant. as if life doesn't already fuck us enough. the best people are mad. so i try not to let it fuck with me too much. but everyday is a battle. i mean a full blown war, one that isn't always visible from the outside.

anxiety is like extremely heightened awareness. you are just aware of everything, every possible variable that could apply to a scenario pops into my head and just spins. making decisions feels impossible. trying to express myself. having so many forms of anxiety means i question and overthink everything. i get flustered easily. i chuckle nervously a lot. since i have been diagnosed since i was a freshman, ive learned some coping skills to get through the days. they backfire though because most people think i am fine and dandy.

the depression is killer. no cap, i think i could handle it if it weren't for the anxiety. like when im trying to get myself out of bed, i don't need depression on my chest and anxiety in my ear about all the bad things life brings, and how im a failure for not getting up, pros and cons of life. there is so much pressure to live and it damn near impossible to die. like deadass, when you fr tryna get out this mf, life laughs at you in the face.

FUCK BIG PHARMA.

if i need meds i can medicate myself. the meds they would give me made it worse. it was like i was a zombie. numb and fatigued. that's when the light dimmed. and family just knew they would help and so they dimmed and dimmed and dimmed my light. i lost drive, i lost will power. all that was left was this empty vessel.

can you imagine asking for help and being gaslighted? or dismissed. they threw pills at the problem. i said they didn't work they said keep taking them. then they said you need to talk to someone- crazy i kept trying to talk to them. no one had time to hold me together; still my pieces always managed to keep them steady.

when it becomes to much i just stop. i just don't. sometimes i don't really resonate with my vessel. they call that dissociative identity. i dont really think i dissociate though so....

the waves of bipolar disorder are hectic for even myself. i dont know where the emotions be coming from. i dont know why its like click pop off. i have no idea. thats how my body responds. i try to just be quiet, but silence makes me ache i have to get it out. i think its cause i have so much buried already. i feel like a burden or an issue when i try to express myself so i tend to keep it to myself if possible. i feel the anger. my body gets hot. if i suppress the anger i cry, then the depressions back. depression is never without anxiety and that mf gotta make it impossible for me to calm down then its like how do i explain this right? so people know whats going on? lol i try to explain my feelings but it just be seeming like everyone thinks im overdramatic and doing too much. its exhausting to have to feel so much all the time.

trauma makes life the hardest. the ptsd takes your mind back to those moments. how do you climb out of your mind? when you open your eyes and you know where you are but it's not what you see. when you can see, inreality but that's not what you think. when the people with you keep trying to ground you with their voices and you hear them, but they sound distant. trying to get to them, its like they can't get to you. so you feel it again. like a fresh new wound. and then you try not to relapse because its old news, with new bruises.

appetite left when my confidence did. i still throw up from time to time. everything comes in waves now. i try to eat, but it typically makes me nauseous or i get full fast. i rarely ever have a taste for anything, i be drinking stuff steadily.

i stopped sleeping because the night terrors were too much. minds are this unlimited storage space and i would love to empty mine out. i swear i am horder of memories. i think ive forgotten things, i try to forget them, and yet they find a way to wound me again. letting go is the major key to mental health. letting things be what they will be.

one thing i have learned, happiness does not last. it won't. nothing can. nothing does. that doesn't make it any less worth it though. you have to push for something. and knowing this is what happiness, to some extent is supposed to feel like, its a reminder that everyday i fight that battle and i win. and i will find happiness within again. and it will leave again. and i will let it go. and welcome it when it comes back, thats how the cycle goes.

this was just a rant. be nice to everybody because you don't know how close they are to the edge. and if you know someone who jumps, for once support them. meaning rejoice their memory, don't say they shouldve been stronger or they were selfish. let them know they are loved and never alone. because when you are on that ledge, all that's running through your mind is all the people who will be hurting now, all the things you didn't get to do, you sit there contemplating if you are really capable of being selfish now.

people don't kill themselves because they feel like no one's there; that isn't what is meant when they say i feel alone. they mean in a room full of people. they mean when they go to their support system and still feel the same so they just decide to act like its all cool and end the conversation. its like, i know what i have and its all i need. family love support is all we need. administered correctly, i think it could save any life. blood don't always constitute family. and love is hard to find. if the support isn't sturdy, the bridge comes falling down. just be sure to tell your mental health friends youre proud of them for staying. ask them to always stay. and if ever they cannot go on, whisper into the air "you did good."

believe it or not we all feel the same pain. its just dressed up in different ways. so be mindful, pay attention. when someone's talking, do more than listen; comprehend them. support and uplift them. if there's a friend in need, be sure to be the thing theyre missing.

keep going. its not too late.

-Almasi

ps: should ever anyone need, you can always find a friend in me.

#mental heath support #excerpts from my heart #mental disorder #hope speaks #always keep fighting

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hellomygf · 4 years

Text

when my own words aren’t enough

okay so you know that one direction song that’s made of other song titles, “Better Than Words”. same concept here except not really and you just listen to the lyrics of the songs LMAO. anyways sometimes the words of others can convey better what im trying to say to you so enjoy 19 songs that do so. i highlighted some of the lyrics that really made me think of you/us. click on links on then click on togepi

Love Like This - Ben Rector

“Never used to get excited to sit here in the silence Holdin' on to somethin' the way I'm holdin' you Didn't used to know how fast time walks and runs and flies by I never thought I'd feel so deeply, but damn, I do

i never knew i could feel so happy just doing the mundane things with you. walking and talking, going out for drives, sitting and eating food. time goes by so fast when im with you. i always wish time would slow down and let it stop for awhile just so i can have a couple moments of just us yeno? you make me want to spend more time with you even when we just finished spending a whole evening together. there’s so many new feelings that ive experienced since ive been with you and i cant wait to keep feeling new ones

All I’ve Ever Known - Eva Noblezada and Reeve Carney (Hadestown)

All I've ever known is how to hold my own But now I wanna hold you, too

for the past couple years i learned how to love myself again and how to be okay with being alone. alone doesnt mean im lonely but it did mean that i had built up my walls again and letting someone in new again was so scary. you made it seem okay though. you made sure that when i was opening up to you and being vulnerable that it was okay to do so. that i wouldnt be hurt and that i was safe. i learned how to love romantically again and learned what it feels like when you arms wrap around me and hold me. it’s currently my favourite feeling and i dont think i ever want it to end

roses & sunflowers - Timmy Albert

You're a flower that's blooming every season with spring I fell in love with your roots, the whole you, everything

i mentioned before that falling in love with you was like how the seasons changed. like you know it comes but it’s always different. this isnt my first time in love but it’s most definitely something very different. a good different. im in love with every part of you. from the way you make your puns to the way you buy me things that show you care (my favourite foods, my ddr adapter, and most recently itch cream) to the way you sing in the car to me to how you tell me about your good and bad days. i love it all!

Favourite Girl - Jesse Barrera and Tori Kelly

My baby, She still drives me crazy After all this time, You better believe that Nothings greater, She still makes me better After all this time You're still my Favorite Girl

BONUS: I remember when, You didn't know how to kiss (hehehhe) Now you know me well, And nothing compares to this

best girl. favourite girl! is maxbean hehe jkjk.. maybe. we both do some whack ass stuff but there’s no one else i would rather be having fun with than you! you make me better in every way. you encourage me to keep going even when days are rough. you support me on my good and bad days so im here to remind you too that im here for you always okie?

No Matter Where You Are - Us the Duo

I will stand by you Even when we fall I will be the rock, that holds you up and lifts you high so you stand tall

whatever the world throws at us, whether that be a pandemic or people who dont support us, im going to uplift you and us in every way that i can. i want to be a pillar of strength for you and show that even though am baby and that i am smol that i am a girlfriend that you can count on to show up by your side. i got your back from now till however long

Tattooed Heart - Ariana Grande

You don't need to worry about making me crazy 'Cause I'm way past that So just call me, if you want me 'Cause you got me, and I'll show you, how much I wanna be On your tattooed heart

honestly this is just one of my favourite love songs ever so i just wanted to add it into the playlist lmao

Lemonade - Jeremy Passion

She's so beautiful, sometimes I stop to close my eyes She's exactly what I need She's my smile when I'm feeling blue She's my good night sleep when my day is through yeah

i say this all the time but i love looking at you oh my god skjskjs like YOU. ARE. LITERALLY. MY. TYPE. lmaooOOSKSKJkj. other than physically being my type you really do embody everything that i need in a partner. kind, compassionate, genuine, good communicator and listener. you make sure that i dont fall asleep sad and you make sure that im okay on my not so good days. i love you so much

I Was Made For Loving You - Tori Kelly ft. Ed Sheeran

A stranger's hand clutched in mine I'll take this chance, so call me blind I've been waiting all my life

i took a chance on someone i really didnt know anything about but my god i think it’s the best thing that ive done

Ger Here - Sam Smith

I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can

this reminds me of the time you bused through a snow storm just to study with me at utsc. also just in general whenever you make the effort to come all the way here to my house just to spend time with me and even then you end up driving us downtown or to different places too. you are truly the definition of “if there’s a will, there’s a way”

goodnight n go - Ariana Grande

Oh, why'd you have to be so cute? It's impossible to ignore you Why must you make me laugh so much? It's bad enough we get along so well Just say goodnight and go

“why do you make it so hard to say good bye” something we both always say haha. one of these days we’ll have a night together and we’ll fall asleep together and wake up together too. one day! very excited for that day where we can say good night and stay

While We’re Young - Jhene Aiko

I'm tellin' everybody you're mine and I like it And I really hope you don't mind, I can't fight it

[...]

I'm giving you my heart, please don't break it Take it and lock it up and put me in your pocket, love

i tell everyone youre my girlfriend because haha im so happy to be dating you and telling everyone you make me so happy so yeno just a subtle flex. it’s also so scary fully giving myself to someone physically, mentally, and emotionally. to trust that you will safeguard my feelings and that you wont hurt me but i know youre scared of the same thing too, i guess even more so since im your first girlfriend. i promise i’ll protect your heart too. water it, nourish it, and let it grow into something even greater

Blessed - Daniel Caesar

And yes, I'm a mess but I'm blessed to be stuck with you

ive told you since the beginning that i didnt want to bring you into this until i could fix and improve my mental health. i think that way of thinking was me associating my ability to love with how healthy i am. that’s not fair because i am capable of loving others even when im not at my 100% best. im so very grateful that you are there with me when im dealing with my mean/negative thoughts and that you can help ground me and be there to let me ride out my sad days.

Runnin’ Home to You (cover) - Jake Spencer

Can't say how the days will unfold Can't change what the future may hold But, I want you in it Every hour, every minute

i can see you in my future for a long time my love. i hope you can see the same as well

Please Keep Loving Me - James TW

For all the mistakes I'm making, I don't mean (I don't mean them, I don't mean them) For all the little things That I fail to see

please be patient because sometimes i wont be able to get things right the first time around. i tend to be a little slow when doing things and i come quite late to events. so even on days when i may be difficult to be around, please do your best to keep loving me and i’ll do my best to make it easier again.

Nothing - Bruno Major

There's not many people I'd honestly say I don't mind losing to But there's nothing Like doing nothing With you

no need for an explanation.. -_- 3rd date. d&b. mario kart. fan... hhh but i mean guess this also applies just in general whenever we play games and i lose lmao. honestly though doing nothing with you is still so fun for me. from making puns in a grocery store, to watching movies on my couch, to watching the sunset together by the water. nothing is better than doing nothing with you :)

Teenage Dream (cover) - Boyce Avenue

Before you met me I was alright, but things Were kinda heavy You brought me to life Now every February You'll be my Valentine, Valentine

i think this applies to both of us in a sense that we were (and still are) both dealing with some not fun stuff when we first met each other, but we have each other now to get through it together. at the time, it had already been a few months since my falling out with you-know-who and just a couple months since i had decided to get help for my mental health stuff. i remember feeling so touched when i first told you about everything because you had made the conscious effort to reassure me and soothe me by holding my hand and looking at me when i got anxious talking about it. that was the moment i knew that you would be someone special in my life and someone i wanted to keep for a long time as well. so im hoping that next year (and for the next foreseeable years) you can be my valentine haha

Only Us - Lauren Dreyfuss and Ben Platt (Dear Evan Hansen)

I never thought there'd be someone like you who would want me So I give you ten thousand reasons to not let me go But if you really see me If you like me for me and nothing else Well, that's all that I've wanted for longer that you could possibly know

while i have grown up with some great and amazing people who have made me feel so loved. ive also grown up and have come across some not nice people as well. they made me feel like i wasn’t worth it or made me feel small and not wanted. it’s not a nice feeling being shut down when youre just trying your best to get to know others or when you talk about the things you like and people become uninterested. i guess you can say that’s what contributed to why i dont want to show my whole self yet to new people at first. im scared that i will scare them away and they wont like me. so when you, a total stranger at the time, wanted to get to know me more, genuinely enjoyed my company, and wanted to spend more time with me, i was like “wow someone new actually LIKES me for ME?”. you dont understand how much it means to me that you made the effort to get to really know me and to still make the effort now to make me feel comfortable so i can be my whole self around you. i cant thank you enough. you make me WANT to talk about what i like and share my joy with you. thank you for letting me be me.

Take on the World - You Me at Six

I can see, see the pain in your eyes Oh, believe, believe me and I have tried No I won't, I won't pretend to know what you've been through You should've known, I wish it was me, not you

i know there’s things you dont want to talk about and things you really cant talk about. knowing all the pain and hurt youve gone through has made you tough and strong but it sucks thinking of everything that youve had to face on your own. i wish i could take that pain away from you if i could. take it, ball it up, and throw it so far away that it never hurts you again. it is so very unfortunate that the saying goes “why do bad things happen to good people”. you dont deserve any of that. a good person like you deserves a life filled with unwavering support from those around you and days filled with boundless joy. i cant change the past or what other people think of you but what i can do is to do my best to make sure that even when you are hurt that you still feel loved and you still want to fight another day. you can do it, and i’ll be with you now for every new challenge that you face. your’re not alone

She Keeps Me Warm - Miranda Lambert

She says I smell like safety and home I named both of her eyes forever and please don't go

[...]

And I can't change, even if I tried Even if I wanted to My love, my love, my love, my love

those first two lines are just so very nice to listen to.

you and i both know that we cant change who we are and who we love. i think we’ve both had countless nights and thoughts of wanting to be straight so we wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of loving the same gender. i know this past month has been especially hard for you though. im here to remind you that there’s nothing you need to change about you my love. i love you just how you are. your family may not understand it yet but i hope they will. i hope they understand that you make others around you feel so welcomed and loved. that you are the most selfless person that a lot of us have met. that you stick up for those who are mistreated and that you care for them. i wish they could see just how deeply you love and i feel like ive only scratched the surface of what your love is and can be. i want them to see how much i love you too and how you have made me a better person in all aspects. my parents, my cousins, and friends have all said that they have seen me change and become a softer person. my cousins say that you compliment me in the best ways and sand down my rough edges. i hope one day soon that they see all the love that emanates from you and that they can support you at least even a little bit. i hope they can see that love is love is love and that they learn to love all aspects of you too.

#2020 #playlist

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notbroken-norbruised · 7 years

Text

Body Image

Hi all this is something I don't typically post about because this is still something I battle with to this day but I realized I need to push through my fears and insecurities because I know how many people suffer with this so here's goes: BODY IMAGE !! Almost everyone I know has or has at least at some point in time has had poor body image. But why? Bodies are fundamentally different and unique to each and everyone's bodies of course we're going to come in all different shapes and sizes so WHY are we depleting ourselves like this? From the day we're brought into this earth whether we know it or not our minds are being morphed and seeing what an "ideal body" looks like. I remember hating my body for as long as I could remember. When I was 7 and had my communion I cried in my dress because I wasn't as skinny as the other girls. But how can a child want something this bad? As a millennial I grew up to adults going throw the fads of extreme dieting & although my mom never literally never took part in them (and she was the person who influences me the most to this day) they were still EVERYWHERE. We heard about them saw them and I understood that even at 7 I was considered 'fat.' I remember in 5th grade I tried the special k diet because that's what TV told me to do. How I would look like the other girls, how I would be deemed attractive to others. Mind you I was 10 years old. When I went to a funeral when I was 12 a family member approached me saying that I lost weight and I look great and that I should keep it up. This was after I limited myself to 600 calories a day for weeks and I felt dizzy every time I stood up. Little did I know that these very small instances and 'motivational' words would warp my sense of self TO THIS DAY. Some of my first ever compliments from distant relatives were about my weight loss so I registered that as what was normal. "Oh if you're skinny people will like you." I went on to struggle with purging and binging all throughout high school and at 16 when my binging became more like a marathon a psychiatrist recommended I loose some weight. Yes a person licensed to treat people's mental illness told a person recovering from purging and unhealthy dieting to loose weight. What a G!! All these tiny instances and all the times my childhood was warped around my body has led me to this day. I have always battled with hating my body and weight has fluctuated my entire life because i would go from determined to drop 20 pounds to hating myself and telling myself I deserve to stay unhealthy and binge eat for months on end. It wasn't until I went vegan until I truly began to understand how much I have truly tortured my body and how bad I let my weight take a hold on my every decision in life. I have maybe told a total of 3 people about this but when I first went vegan almost 2 years ago I stopped eating. I hid behind it saying "oh I can't eat anything here" or "no I ate before I came I'm so full" and just didn't eat. I had maybe MAYBE one meal a day and I would feel proud when hunger pains came. Luckily at the time I had already started healing through reiki and energy work and I understood within a couple weeks how bad this has become and how I was slowly killing myself with my dislike of self. I confided in my mom and she immediately began making sure I eat 3 meals and talked to me everyday about what I was feeling. I swear if I didn't have that woman I would not be alive today and she has saved me more times than I could count. I never talked about this time truthfully cause I was so mad at myself and so ashamed. I was preaching self love and positivity and love for all creatures while I was destroying myself. I was a complete hypocrite and I hated that I got so low and hateful towards myself during one of the best periods of my life. I always say going vegan is one of the best things to ever happen to me and it's true to this day. After I fully recovered and began to eat normally I full force focused on my health and I can say at the moment 2 years later I am the healthiest I have been in my whole life. I can say after 2 years of forgiving myself for bringing so much torment on the earth through eating animal products I'm still not 100% okay with the fact I ever took away lives for my own personal pleasure. But I'm getting there and understand that I am now making a difference everyday with my choices. To this day I still go through phases of doing extreme cleanses and then eating like I'll never see another meal but I'm slowly attaining the balance of bringing in knowledge I learned during cleanses into my every day lifestyle and choices. All of this is about balance. I'm not eating lettuce leaves every meal and praising almonds. I think about buffalo tempeh wings at least twice a day but I'm learning to find a happy medium of normalcy in my eating habits. The moral of the story is that there are things, small instances, one conversation that can stick with us in our brains and warp our entire sense of reality to this day. I still cringe when someone tells me I look good or I lost weight and it makes me resentful that weight loss is something praised in this world instead of people cherishing their bodies. I also understand no one means anything by it when they say it and they have no idea that comments like that take me back to times where I felt like I was nothing. Times where I would beg for comments like that because I registered that as normalcy and positivity. But newsflash people: this should not be normalcy and I refuse to continue to live in a world where people are expected to have to change themselves for praise. I will live my life praising all bodies and all types of people that ravish in themselves and are trying the best they possibly can. Listen no matter if you 90 pounds or 400 you are beautiful and if there's one thing I learned is that weight does not define you. It doesn't control you and it doesn't change you unless you let it through your mentality. One of the toughest lessons throughout all of this is learning that I look outward for praise and confidence when the only way to TRULY achieve confidence and positive body image is from looking into yourself and finding it there!!!! If we keep looking for others approval for our happiness we might as well all begin digging our graves because we'll never be happy and never be satisfied. This is the most important fucking lesson I've learned so far that I want to scream it from the roof tops. YOU PRAISE YOU 👏 NO ONE ELSE GONNA DO IT FOR YOU AND YOU GOTTA RAVISH IN YOUR BEING‼️ RELYING ON OTHERS APPROVAL IS EMOTIONAL SUICIDE AND SELF ABUSIVE👏 I still go through days where I wake up and look in the mirror and want to cry. I still go through days where I ask people if I look okay because I'm insecure. I still have the thought in my head when I go to eat about how it will affect my weight. It doesn't just disappear. But it begins to dissipate as you begin to get to the root of where this all began & when you begin to accept yourself for who you are. My instability of eating and poor body image is a part of me and always will be and I can now say I'm proud of that. Im proud that I struggled for SO long and that I'm still standing and F I N A L L Y got the courage to speak out about it. Affirm yourself and face the dark thoughts you have in your head and tell them to go fuck themselves. Accept that they're there and know why and begin the trials of working through them. I am at a place where I do cleanse and work out and yadda yadda but at this point I do it because I FEEL good not because of weight or this or that but for my mentality and to uplift myself. It's taken me so long to get here and I promise you can get there too. P.s. This post was primarily revolved about being overweight but this applies to all body types. I'm so sick of seeing thicker girls picking on skinny girls HUNNY they didn't have a choice either!!! Like I said in the beginning everyone has a unique body, shape and size and there is no RIGHT OR WRONG TO THIS THING!!!!! Be proud of you and how far you've come regardless of what you look like externally in your skin suit. (I really enjoy calling my body my skin suit lately I think I'm HILARIOUS) keep doing you and have a great day ❤️

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