#and im just like really tired of wanting to be loved and never actually feeling loved | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

plantboiart · 3 days

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Okay i have now finished relistening to all of blood in the bayou and I /didn’t/ cry (got close when rand hugged kian but i stayed strong) but here are some thoughts about the final episode!

The reveal with Rolan is still so fucking good. Like. Charlie did such an amazing job foreshadowing it without ever actually giving it away, which is exactly what you want from a plot twist, it’s phenomenal and makes so much sense in universe as well

Charlie describing the kian monster as “the thing that once was kian stone” numerous times is like… insane to me /pos. Because yeah, it really was. It was kian. It wasnt the original, but it was as much kian as rolan was rolan. And they couldnt forget that even if it would have been easier to

Okay sure focusing on keeperschampion for a second I GUESS (/silly i promise i love them) rolan jumping in front of rand? Rolan at 1 hp risking death to protect rand? He loves him so much and its so obvious and whether that’s platonic or romantic i DONT CARE they’re just so special

Kian’s corpse and coming back and shit… god i just so desperately need to understand how aware the corpses are. Because they’re not fully dead. Charlie makes that very clear, they pulse and move and even if they could never be described as alive anymore, they are not dead either. And him describing the sound kian makes as “pleading”? God fucking ow

Rand giving Kian his jacket… Rand hugging Kian… god ow ow OW /pos

Okay to be. Somewhat salty for a second. It genuinely feels like some bitb fans just did not actually listen to episode four with how they treat kian. Like its insane to me that people are able to reduce his character to just comedic relief rockstar or whatever when he lied to his friends for over a decade so they wouldnt think differently of him and you dont even need to read into that too deeply to see the self hatred and trust issues that clearly implies, and. Listen. Keeperschampion fans. I get you. I get it. But PLEASE give some attention to Kian still??? Like he’s 1. Canonically bisexual and 2. CANONICALLY HAS A THING FOR ROLAN. Like that’s not. How can you write a queer bitb story and ignore those facts? I dont get it. Like i just dont. Okay rant over i swear i love rand and rolan and i think keeperschampion is a wonderful ship im just so tired of kian being constantly overlooked

Anyways yes most of these will focus on kian what did you expect. Kian hoping to find some kind of answers or help from religion when everything is happening. Like yes he turner to brother niles (is that how you spell that name idk) was because he was like more stable than most others but /still/. That guy has NOT gotten over being raised by cultist parents and it absolutely still affects his worldview even if he probably wishes it didn’t

Also i use the above as proof that whatever cult kians parents are in is a christian one. Like. Obviously not very traditional since hippies but still. I also just really want to go with that since i feel like the default assumption for most people is that theyre like wicca or neo-pagan or something similar and im just. Im so tired of paganism being the default cult religion in media. Like. Please. I just want to worship aphrodite and finnish nature spirits in peace without my religion being constantly combined with cults and shit. Well shit i went on another rant. Sorry guys i swear i dont mean to be this negative all the time sometimes shit just happens

I want to write an extremely painful hurt no comfort fic of kian getting caught and killed by the creatures while escaping from the community house.. i want to write it so bad…

Rolan sacrificing himself for rand AGAIN. Like bro we get it youre suicidal and in love with your best friends fucking chill

The encounter with the queen… rand planning to fucking suicide bomb her, it pretending to be rachel (at least thats how I interpreted it) to manipulate rand, the hive just being a hivemind of ecofascists, kian just fucking exploding, Rolan sacrificing himself for rand AGAIN AGAIN, the end god the end rand and rachel “you changed” “you didn’t”… pain

Thats. Probably it. Yeah. Im feeling fine and will now go lie down for an hour to process things (and. Maybe. Afterwards. I will write something because i have way too much inspiration)

#jrwi show #just roll with it #jrwi bitb #blood in the bayou #jrwi bitb spoilers #bitb spoilers #blood in the bayou spoilers

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alsojnpie · 2 months

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hey. um. i love him

#O_O i really love him #it's getting warmer every day and i can't draw him in a sweater for much longer #by the way. is this site going to. yknow. die #sigh........i kept telling myself I'd get better at it one day #kind of like the way i tell myself i can get together courage to speak up but i never do #using another website just sounds so depressing #im not good at social media. im tired of pretending like i can get good at it #but you can't even pretend like you can jump into a conversation if no one is having a conversation #i wanted to be part of a community here but i never could figure out what belonging looked like or how i could do it #and maybe it's my fundamental misunderstanding of that that prevents it but how can i understand it without experience #I'm so jealous of everyone who looks like they achieved what i couldn't even put my finger on. but since i didn't even understand it #i can't even be sure what exactly im jealous of #the other day i walked past a trio of friends and they had their arms around each other and were laughing as they walked #and i felt really strongly that even though I've always wanted a friend like that I'm actually fundamentally incompatible with that.#there's several reasons #but it made me feel really sad. but it made me feel a little better too. i guess it's really not my fault. maybe. i don't really know #in that moment it felt very much like something that was not my fault. and it was nice and sad at the same time #idk what's going to happen here. but one thing i know for sure is that i can have a happy tomorrow. no matter what #no matter what i have to give up on. i can find joy in other things. even in myself #and if there's one idea that he is about. it's that one

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jpegdon · 2 months

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im about to be such a stupid hater but as an aromantic person i hate the httyd 3 ending.

#YES i know its similar to the books ending #but idk man toothless leaving hiccup to go live far away with some random dragon he met like two days ago after he and hiccup have basically #grown up together just rubs me the wrong way #they've been through so much together #both literally saving the life of the other at one point #and YES i know they didn't just leave bc of that #but CMON THEIR FRIENDSHIP??? toothless and hiccup care so much about eachother #they're basically eachother's whole world #they're soulmates even /p #even valka tells her son that he has the soul of a dragon #idc what ppl say #idc if the ending was supposed to be ''realistic''#it's a fictional world they could've came up with a happier ending where they didn't have to get separated #also i love love love astrid #dont get me wrong #but even since i was a kid i never really cared that much about her's and hiccups relationship #← aka aroace person speaking #yeah they have a lot of cute moments together #just bc im aroace that doesn't mean i cant find their relationship really cute #but again the friendship between dragons and humans is what the story is all about #idk where im going with this anymore sorry #im tired n mad n i just wanted to talk about one of my favorite franchises in the world #i love to just pretend the actual stayed together at the end of the third movie n also the light fury doesnt really exist #sorry but thats a topic for another post #bc i feel like this one has too many tags already #not that i completely hate the light fury #its more complicated than that

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hecksupremechips · 2 months

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Minor thing that really irks me is when people treat the femc route in p3 portable as like the lesser story or like it’s a fanfic where nothing that happens in it is the “true” canon like. Bitch. The femc and everything that happens in her version of the story is just as canon as the male protagonist and everything that happens in his story. And there’s literally been so many fucking versions of p3 at this point like the base game, fes, portable, the movies, stage plays, reload, as well as spinoffs and manga and they all do things differently. I don’t see anyone acting like the base game is more canon than, say, reload so why do they do this with portable? Why can’t the (infinitely superior) version with the female protagonist just be respected for five fucking minutes goddamn

#persona #persona 3 #kotone shiomi #its the misogyny yay #but god i am so tired of her game being treated as not actually canon like it literally is #theres multiple canons dipshit there is no true version of this game #and also people saying she doesnt fit the theme or some shit like. she literally does??? and honestly she does it better #like you can really feel the love she brings to the group and how she gives everything life and helps everyone #but also just how it all comes with pain she smiles and befriends everyone but shes always been so deeply alone and she doesnt want anyone #to feel the pain shes felt and so she carries all those burdens on her own and when everyone goes to reach out for her #its too late far too late shed sacrifice herself over and over for these people and theyll never once see her cry #she also you know. actually has good social links and gets to know everyone not just people she wants fuck #so you get to see just infinitely better versions of every character with her she really does bring out the best in them #and another thing in particular with the disrespect of her story is the way shinji living is treated again just like #some kinda fanfic au by someone who didnt wanna cope with their blorbo dying like ughh #shinji surviving is just as canon as him dying there is an entire canon where he gets a happy ending and it is once again #much better than versions where he dies like ive. exhausted myself with explaining it but its just better #so yeah basically out of spite i like acting like kotones story is actually the one true canon #and when people mention stuff that isnt in her story im like ‘huh? what? that didnt happen’#cuz whos gonna stop me

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skrunksthatwunk · 18 days

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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?

#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now #sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him #no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my #best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh #he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to #say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am #and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him #and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken #but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him #and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not #like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her #and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all #the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess #like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.

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strwbrymlkshake · 1 year

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Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

#mine #oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times #but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry #like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie #im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc #i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me #thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related #anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that #ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired #// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always #because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life #like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing #me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little #so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die #every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt.#well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he #is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him #every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again #but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh #i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT #I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time #like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me #he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do #he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away

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medicasino · 7 months

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i'm seriously tired of this like,,, constant feeling of never really feeling important to anyone. and it's like, it's 100% on me, it is 100% my fault i feel this way but,,, eugh

#affie txt #it isnt anyone's fault at all im just like super unwell LOL #its like. i mourn the friendships where i genuinely felt wanted. because it was ME who fucked them up and now i just feel legitimately like #no matter how many people i befriend and burn through it's like i can never ever feel truly wanted or like im at all important to them #and when i DO #when i do feel wanted and important its always so short-lived and they move on to someone else #and im just like really tired of wanting to be loved and never actually feeling loved #every friendship i was a part of where i felt like i was genuinely important or wanted has completely eroded and its like. all my fault and #im just. really fucking tired of never feeling loved like ever #and its not anyones fault its not like people are mistreating me #I AM THE PROBLEM. I am the reason i feel unloved #because theres something wrong with me and i can never ever feel like im loved even if people say they love me!!! it always feels so hollow #and every time i see my friends get along better with other people i always feel so fucking jealous and its like its such a me problem #but its so hard to get out of this mindset because its one i've been trapped in for YEARS #i've dug this hole and now i lay in it because there is no way out and im so. tired. i just want to be loved #i want to be important to someone i want to be someone's special person their number one and its like #that'll never happen to me!!!! because I AM THE REASON no one views me that way!!!! Im unstable messy reactionary lazy and mean #and so fucking anxious about every little thing that like of FUCKING course no one would love me!!!! loving me is HARD because #i am not MEANT to be loved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am meant to be hated or seen as disposable!!!!#ugh im just so fucking sick of feeling disposable.#vent #ask to tag

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fabulouslygaybean · 11 months

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i hate the come-down period after doing literally anything fun at all at any point in time. i went to a movie theater on friday and then to a convention on the following weekend, which was incredibly fun! i loved it! but there's always a come-down period, where everything feels awful because i know im going to be stuck in my house again, rotting away like always, unable to do anything outside of these walls for who knows how long. its hard to keep doing things i enjoy if i know that im just going to feel awful afterwards.

#i wanna be able to do things #but my sister is too picky and my mom is too tired and my friend needs to be involved in everything we do so we just. never do anything.#i do so much stuff alone because nobody wants to go or i dont trust anyone to actually follow through #my bike is out of order though and my mom seems to hate the idea of me using the bus system that i literally get to use for free #now. why can't i just do things inside my own home? it doesn't fuckin work out #the only place im really welcome in my own home is my bedroom. the bottom floor is for my friend and the rest of the family.#i dont have space to do much art up here and there isn't enough space for my other hobbies and i can't make too much noise because it'll -#- bother everyone and i cant call friends because everyone will listen in on my conversations and i don't have enough space to bring my -#- laptop and all its additions up to my desk #i have friends but i feel so isolated from them all. i feel like im going to completely fuck things up by trying to talk to any of them.#i always feel better when i can get out and do stuff but im rarely able to get out and do stuff and even then i feel bad once the stuff ends #so im trapped i guess. its a cycle that will never end. ill do something i love to cheer myself up only to feel even worse afterwards than -#- i did before.

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coffinclaustrophile · 2 days

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wish I could turn this hate outward in any way

#leyley tag #i love being a persecutor it means I'm so fucked up even while regressed like i deeply hate my own guts. i Hate me to the core #legit i wish someone would rape me and just beat my pussy over and over and over again but. the house is never empty & every1s always tired #i also like. just want to rot actually #so. guess im a fucked up little girl huh #whatever #i wish i cared abt parents more & having them bt i jst feel so empty when i think abt the idea of having a dad. bt i want 2 b taken care of #i have my brothers bt neither i nor ash front in any way for long tht really matters rn its all just depressive episodes which. i hate being #idk i Hate being unhealthy like actually I'm the bpd alter it lowkey feels like so i just. genuinely can't feel like i can take any sort of #validation. because itll just make me more bpd which i genuinely cannot fucking handle

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bashirenthusiast · 4 days

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#sometimes I have difficulty with my emotions #omg haha isn’t that so funny yeah of course I struggle with them LMFAOOOOOO but sometimes they feel so silly does that make sense?#i feel really bad sometimes because sometimes I wish he would just #validate my feelings without me needing to ask or without hearing it very once in a blue moon you know and obviously it’s not as rare as #im making it out to be it’s just that it feels like that and i need to be reminded that you still fuck with me Often basically lol and it’s #hard to ask that if someone? i don’t know I’ve been going through it lately my eating disorder is quite literally the worst it’s been in #in forever and i just want to lose like 20 to 40 pounds just to looks ? nice for him? he says he’s attracted to me but why would he be #attracted to a fat piece of shit like me LOL anyway like it’s fine I just need to lose weight before I see him! cause then he’ll love me !#sometimes I forget I’m not doing well #and it’s really hard because i feel like i can’t tell him that because a lot of it is eating disorder territory that i refuse to talk about #with him right ? i hate myself and i kind of want to isolate and never talk to anyone ever fucking again you know but i can’t do that #because that’s just awful isn’t it? i can’t just ignore him just because im not feeling great in my head but like #i don’t know #it’s hard to tell him that sometimes I have a really hard time bantering with him because i take it very literally #i was on the verge of fucking tears.#and i felt awful because it wasn’t his fault but i could t help crying because what if he actually hates me?#no seriously whag if he hates my fucking guts ? you know?????#my eye bags are worse than when I was in school #im really tired.#and i just want to go away for a while

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sunlightfeeling · 23 days

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god i forgot how much i liked that cohost hid a lot of metrics…

(much ranting in the tags…)

#im despising the note counter again….#ramblin but not a gamblin man #but i really REALLY didnt like how cohost completely felt like a void #…like genuinely felt like an isolation room or smth…#why can’t i just opt out #i have my notifications turned off again for sanity #but I don’t like seeing everyone else’s lol #…they make me feel bad….#and yeah i guess it has to do with smaller fandom but that’s kind of part of why it sucks #i want new content that’s not just made by the small group that we are #i want fuckin dedicated tags and a line of people making new things….even if the stuff we use is old #there are so many smasmas that have NEVER been giffed #so many dramas #(even though for a lot of these there’s like negative incentive to make anything for….)#but you know what sucks the most….#no matter how much we love the stuff and do it because we like it….we are hoping that it will get shared….be known….#im trying so hard not to pressure myself to gif every little thing #which is part of why im posting more and more clips #but it hurts seeing the note count that other fandoms get even in such a short time….and just being grateful-enjoying the ones i receive #i don’t know how much this shit makes sense #and im honestly so tired of getting upset by this time and time again but it hurts #i hate being part of an actually small fandom lol #..that’s basically it….i guess #or one that’s small until someone random reblogs it and shoots the note count up #and I really can’t explain why that makes me more upset than happy but it actually really does lol #how many times am i going to talk about these and go in circles? way too many #i ruminate….its what i do…always been that way…got on my ex’s fuckin nerves lmfao……

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hecksupremechips · 11 days

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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰