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thexflyingxpotato · 6 months

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Wednesday, November 15

2023

(10:02pm)

Today I woke up feeling sad and beat up, it was gloomy and raining outside so I went downstairs to prepare some tea. AND GUESS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?! I was surprised with two kittens 😭😭😭

“Did you see the cats yet?”

Cats? Wait— cat? MY cat? The one your aunt asked if I wanted one???

“Yeah! They’re right here *opens mesh bag on couch that’s been chilling there for a while* see? Take your pick. One is going to my sister”

🥺 they’ve been so quiet and haven’t meowed… I didn’t even know there were cats in the house. *looks inside and dies of cuteness*

———

I woke up sad but now I have kittens. It’s almost like… god really said “here, some cuddle cats for your recent troubles.”🥹

———

Also, I spoke too soon. So that whole, “I came home feeling light and not heavy like I expected”??? Well SURPRISE BITCH! Cuz the cPTSD has sunk in and been triggered. — I literally can feel my adrenaline rushing and pooling up the sides of my neck and tension concentrating in my upper back and shoulders. >.<

I’m easily irritable and am finding myself snapping at literally everything. The sad part of it all is the fact that I tried to take my highest dose of ashwaganda like I used to, to manage the adrenaline fatigue (I take it when I need it, and then take breaks so my body doesn’t build a tolerance) BUT THIS TIME ITS SO MUCH IT ISN’T WORKING AT ALL!!! 🥲😭

I noticed I hadn’t ate for two days straight… and it dawned on my only last night that seeing my mom at the viewing triggered me. And now, I am back in survival mode.

The first time it took me half a year to get my body to calm down and feel safe again after YEARS of abuse. Then one encounter happened and it took me 4 months. Then I was forced to run back into her just so I could have closure and grieve (my grandma died and it’s my mom’s mother… so no way I wouldn’t not see her there). And I’ve been looking for someone who would take me in for psycho therapy, but now I’ve been gifted cats to help me through this tough time 🥹🙏🏼

Life’s crazy but I feel blessed rn.

(Super quick update:

-my landlord got petty and anonymously reported my car to get it towed

-I then got stressed out about having enough and finding somewhere to get my remaining cars squared away so my landlord couldn’t have them taken away too

-my grandmother died

-I had to see my mom (my abuser) at my grandmas viewing. I had so much anxiety about running into fake ass family and having them tell me to mend things with my mom. —— turns out, everyone let me grieve and never brought it up.

-only my dad brought up that I should bring my son around more often (if at all) because “life is short and you might feel guilty about not doing so” 😒 how rich. My parents still owe ME an apology. And I’ve done my part and tried to fix things but they keep hurting me over and over again. I told him “I did my part, I feel no guilt.” Bold of him to assume I feel guilty for not seeing my grandma as much as I could in her last days… I spent my whole life with her and visited and even slept overnight with her when she was in the hospital when I could.

I don’t feel guilty. I feel at peace that she’s able to rest and not suffer in her aching body anymore. I also won’t feel guilt when my mom passes as he’s unaware of the horrible conversation she and I last had. If anything, he’s projecting his guilt onto me and trying to pass off his pride for mine.

-when I came home from the viewing I didn’t feel as heavy (energetically) as I had anticipated. Which was a good thing?

-but the next day I had a fever and body aches… then the next morning after that I felt a lot better but I kept spitting out blood and throwing up “nothing”. — I was worried about if I had worn all black to the viewing, it would absorb everyone’s energy. So I wore a white blouse and kept my hair in a bun. The part that sucked was that everyone was placing their hand in the middle of my upper back to say “sorry/ condolences” 😭😭😭 all their sadness and empathy, but also their fake ass vibes and envious energies (they were upset that I had a baby and hadn’t grown or changed in body figure like they expected me to) all transferred into the area between my shoulders. Where all the pain and “sickness” was felt.

-I had asked for only one cat… but now I think I was meant to have two this time around.

#personal #lately #little tings #blessings #cptsd

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