#and flamboyantry. and their story. god how grateful i am to have them to escape to. to see gay puppy love and revel in it
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#i was just gonna go to sleep without mentioning this and blah with all the drama rt now it’s not like an important take or anything just#a reminder#today and the last week has been really hard for me. ive wanted a puppy for five years and to finally GET what you want most is amazing but#my body has like decided that thats what it was staying held together for and now that i have her im falling apart. everything hurts#more than usual. and it’s chronic so thats saying a lot. i tried practicing today now my painting is done and it was like 10 of 10 pain#i could barely sit there and i just. really felt like giving into whatever release this is. and i felt like#‘i dont need to stay alive anymore.’ and then obviously i was like WOAH where tf did that come from that’s not normal. and i think it’s just#the convergence of everything? the election? the boy at work who flirted with me and i felt so... nothing. so small and girl and sweet all#the things i hate myself for when im alone. the things i wear in public as a front. and now at home too#my parents surprise voted early today and i cant bring myself to ask ‘did it work? did all the arguing and articles and commentary on news#work? did you actually vote for the not fascist?’ i cant do it. i dont want to know. it hurts too much it just hurts too much and i cant.#i miss being gay. you know#you know what i mean. i miss being alone i miss knowing who i am i miss my old life no matter how lonely it was#and i decided hey ill log on here before bed and you know? what brought me comfort? these two ridiculous boys we all love. thier flirtings#and flamboyantry. and their story. god how grateful i am to have them to escape to. to see gay puppy love and revel in it#in the beauty of it the embarassment the goofiness the joy#they gave us that and so much more#and i love having someone to root for. someone like me. watching Louis’ situation and just EDGE OF MY SEAT cheering him on to win like#the king he is. so grateful for that. and this fandom. and this place. and now im gonna go to sleep silent crying so i dont wake the puppy.#love u all#personal#tw mental health
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