#and even then its apparent that some leftists dont think that. so who can say. maybe you wont misgender me? but nah- you will | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

g0dtier · 4 years

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leftist tumblr/twitter really needs to chill with the outrage directed at other leftists and check facts and shit. like take leftist youtubers for example

hbomberguy got a callout posted about him that contained like 3 images of an incomplete chat log which accused him of being a rape apologist and over the years the story just turned into “hbomb is a rapist”

and like the whole story is convoluted as shit because i just went on like an hour long deep dive trying to find all the deleted pics and logs and posts and i did! and what i found was so underwhelming and weird but what it comes down to is this

this person accused a friend of hbomb without proof and conflicting messages of something heinous, 5 years after the fact apparently happened, was met with understanding but questions about clarification or proof which they could have easily given which they said so themselves but actively decided not to, said they “didnt want to blow this wide open” and then posted their callout to every single leftist and gaming subreddit they could find, raged about hbomb not linking to their callout in his apology, and then deleted their tumblr, the callout they wanted people to read so desperately and all the screenshots with it and now the facts (which were barely there) have become so convoluted that a bunch of people think hbomb is actually a rapist or smth

if u are into drama and wanna know other shit heres like, what i put together from all the shit i found

like it starts with skype chat logs in the middle of a conversation, u know a convo has been held about this before but the logs arent there for some reason, K didnt decide to post the first conversation about these accusations for some reason and this is kinda important cause later on K does something else weird with the chat logs

K accused Hbomb’s friend PL of being a rapist and sending them rapey messages 5 years before these call logs

K continued to work with Hbomb knowing PL and Hbomb were friends for 5 years before deciding to accuse out of the blue

without proof because their computer died, even though skype chat logs can easily be recovered even on a new computer and they said they had proof and logs they got from other people about PL’s behavior yet refused to show them to anyone or post them in the callout

chat logs start off with Hbomb asking about the situation but that they dont have to talk if K doesnt want to and K immediately going into a rant about how they rely on Hbomb to not become homeless and how their former rapist now has kids

this is like a really weird thing to start off a convo with. if ur friend is like “hey if you want to, you can talk to me about this rape accusation” and u immediately reply with “lol yea anyway the person who abused me as a child has kids now and no one will believe me when i talk about him and also if you dont believe me and i get shit for this accusation i WILL be homeless” thats like. some heavy emotional manipulation to start off a convo with. anyway the accusation is this

K accuses PL of threatening to rape them 5 years ago, K and PL were wanting to meet up but PL made rapey comments and K, according to the callout post, didnt show for the meeting

Hbomb says he has some trouble with this because he absolutely wants to believe and support K and asks what he can do for them, but also mentions how theyve talked about PL for years and that there never was anything like this mentioned and that this accusation is sort of coming out of the blue. he also mentions, which is kinda important, that K told him after the original meetup was cancelled that they were afraid PL actually cancelled the meetup because he lost interest in K. Which doesnt correlate at all with what K claims and seems like something they should clear up right

anyway hbomb is like completely chill and supportive during this entire conversation and mentions how he feels like garbage over not being able to believe K out of the blue, which is 100% fucking reasonable considering the situation where K actually apparently felt sad about the meetup not continuing, everything being fine for 5 years, and then accusing PL out of the blue without any proof while also prefacing it with a “if u dont believe me i will be homeless”. like thats 100% just a fucking reasonable reaction lmfao.

so u imagine there’s gonna be some clearup about everything being fine for 5 years and what hbomb said about K confiding in him all those years ago that they thought PL cancelled the meeting because they didnt like them, right?

wrong because the next logs are the only chat logs of that conversation where a bunch of K’s reply is completely cut off. Like K decided posting these logs was important but deliberately decided to cut out a bunch of their own reply after being asked in the most non-confrontational way fucking ever for some 100% reasonable clarification on their accusations. like they have multiple screenshots which show the chat continuing exactly from the last screenshot by including the last thing said on the former screenshot but they did decide that the last screenshot should start halfway through their last message to hbomb

K then decides to not go after PL at all but make a huge ass callout about hbomb instead for not believing them. like the callout isnt even “hey PL made rapey comments at me” the callout is “hbomb didnt believe me when i told him this”

after this a couple things happened

K spread the callout everywhere they could because they wanted everyone to know about this and they recieved tons of support

they posted some out of context screenshots of hbomb replying to unknown messages and his replies may or may not be about this incident, no one knows because theyre completely vague without earlier context which again wasnt included

they also posted stuff about his mods defending him when all the mod (singular) in question says is to take up comments about this with hbomb himself bc discussing public callouts and dragging people has been prohibited since way before this thing happened and it makes people uncomfortable to discuss new and vague situations like this in the public server instead of in PMs which is like. logical

then they claim that (again no proof) they heard through the grapevine from someone else that hbomb had been dragging K in voice chat and calling them a crazy bitch or something like that which makes zero fucking sense because boasting in a public voice chat on a server where people are already trying to drag you about how someone who made a callout post is a crazy bitch, with your own voice, which can easily be recorded and is way harder to accuse of being faked is actually a 0 brain cell move and while i dont know hbomb personally i dont think anyone would actually be that fucking stupid

Hbomb wrote an apology and K accused him of copying it from an ask they got about what an apology should be like which is like really fucking weird because nothing in the apology even remotely resembles what they asked for so its like aight

after hbomb was thoroughly dragged through the mud because K spread the callout everywhere they could and got mad at hbomb for not including a link to their callout in his original apology and then, right after the fucking apology and they got all the traction they really tried to get they just...deleted their tumblr and all the archives and screenshots lmfao

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fuckshiru · 5 years

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345rv5 ten year anniversary. Couldn’t upload this to DA for some reason

You know when you're getting older when people start having 10 year aniversaries. But alas. I still await my aniversary (which wont be for over 3 years).

You're delusional if you think I wont be posting about this.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been watching people rant online for a long ass time. I've watched Youtube videos, blogs, and deviantart journals of course. And stamps. It used to be game reviewers (Clement and SomecallmeJohnny), then it was political videos (The Amazing Atheist formerly then Sargon and Hunter Avallone currently). But I've never actually made friends with any of them. Unlike 345rv5.

I've made friends with 345rv5 just a few years back. While he isn't millionaire famous, he has a rather large following on deviantart. And that's because there's a little bit of everything on his page. He started off reviewing anime but then he would he started getting into debates. I think what made him a force to be reckoned with was the fact that he made very long journals and comments. But they wern't long because he wanted to win the debate (just a side note, if you're on a debate online, dont EVER simply write a wall of text or copy n paste from wikipedia. That doesn't work.), he would also deconstruct each of the points of the other side and obliterate them. Lets get into the journal that started it all.

Dragon Fail Live Action Piece of Shit

Dragon fail live action peice of shit

Now, 345rv5 has been around before he made the journal, but in my opinon this was the review that started everything. This was his Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. I've read all of his journals. Anime and video games was his thing earlier on. He didn't start making political videos until around 2012/2013. This day marks the ten year anniversary of him making that journal.

It really set off his channel (or should I say page). I guarentee that if he had a youtube channel, he would be filthy rich, even with youtube's ad-pocalypse and whatnot.

He started off ranting about shows and movies, essentially pointing out all of the flaws. Some notable things he's ranted about were Cartoon Network and Super Mario Live Action movie.

Anime Recaps and Reviews

Weekly Shonen Recap :RECAP !

Anime and Manga was his passion. He almost exclusively watched anime, some of his favourites were Dragon Ball Z and Sailor Moon. Others shows, such as Bleach not so much. There's not much to say on this part, but if you enjoy anime, you'll enjoy his reviews.

Rivalries

As time passed on, he began showing everyone his insane debating skills. This caused many people to hold grudges toward him. He began his series BDTDT/BSTDT (Bigots Do/say the dumbest things) and a subseries FTSTDT (Fantards say the dumbest things) and RFSTDT (Radical Feminists Say The Dumbest Things. He also started shorter series entitled "Concentrated Stupidity", which ended shortly.

Watching him take part in these debates that lasted over months was actually pretty entertaining. He's debated people such as Arrnacar Fighter, DragonoftheEastBlue (which apparently made a youtube video), BrianaBater, Insanity123 (didn't get a journal), Sychtemantis, and Party999999. The debate between him and Party999999 lasted for over a year. It ended in 2016, when Party99999 made a final response, and called it quits.

The topics of these debates covered politics. When it wasn't that, he would literally go in depth on how strong a character is, using math equations and Science to justify his claims.

And no, I'm not insulting any of thse people. Hell for a debate to last that long meant that they put up a good fight and must've good points.

Unfortunately, with so many debates online someone was eventually going to make a page on Encyclopedia Dramatica about him.

https://encyclopediadramatica.rs/345rv5

Before I start, I will say that I'm suprised that I don't have a page on Encylopedia Dramatica. I should've gotten one a few years back when I got into a big fight in the complaints forum, but now that I'm fading away into nothing, I'm probably never gonna get one. That's good I guess. But an Encyclopedia Dramatica page really only shows the worst in people.

Even when he got banned from DA, he still occasionally called people out here on this site from tumblr (such as OddGarfield and Aknaton-II)

The Story, Political Views, and Removal from DA

Earlier on, 345rv5 was a liberal. He was the same kind of liberal as The Amazing Athiest, as in, he wasn't a SJW, they didn't believe in white privilege or any of that garbage. Instead, they only believed in green privilege. (I dont know if TJ still believes that given I haven't watched his videos in months)

He still is a egaliratian, and one of his sickest ownages was his DESTROYING someone who insulted and slut shamed SHE-HULK by calling her a whore.

BSTDT:She Hulk is a Whore!

He was a true EGALITARIAN. Trust me, you will not find a bigger equalist than 345rv5 on the internet. He has stood up for atheists, women, men, people of colour, whites, Religious people, you name it. Every one of those instances I wholeheartedly agreed with.

BSTDT: Brother Dean the Anti Gay, Sexist Pastor

BSTDT: Atheist Pluser Says fuck you to Christans

After time passed, he slowly distanced himself from the left. He is a firm supporter of AllLivesMatter. This however, would cause him to get banned permanently from the site.

RIP 345rv5

I was beyond angry when that happened. But its been over 3 years and it is what is I guess. After being banned from DA, he made a tumblr account. This is where he REALLY shifted away from the left. 1 year later in 2016, He came out as a supporter of Trump weeks away from the election day. At that point I was still sceptical of Trump but I do admit that people have retarded reasons for hating him. I believe he still identifies as a liberal, but honestly, it hard to be considered a liberal or a leftist at this point because the left keeps fucking up for themselves. Paul Joseph Watson said Conservatism is the new counter culture, and I totally agree. Its popular to be left leaning these days.

The arguement The Amazing Athiest had with Hunter Avallone really shows that sides have switched. It used to be a younger liberal vs a older conservative. Now its a younger conservative vs an older liberal.

But furthermore, 345rv5 continued making posts on tumblr. These were very similar to the posts he made here. This went on until Tumblr shot itself and got rid of pornographic content.

After that, he migrated to another website.

What made him great?

I think it was his ability to debate made him great. He would fucking decimate people. But he would only do that if you had horrible opinions. His followers were literally like familiy, everyone digged in to help him stand up to abusive admins. When he got banned, everyone was upset. We all love his journals, which everyone can see, thanks to this link here: https://web.archive.org/web/20150406180849/http://345rv5.deviantart.com/

Yet he was such a nice guy. And that is why he will always be remembered.

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momestuck · 5 years

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Let’s read Hiveswap Friendsim... volume 17!

The penultimate volume. Let’s sacrifice a few more timelines to the great tapestry of fate that we’re weaving. Or more likely, Doc Scratch is weaving.

This time, “Of Teen and Tech, Acerbic”.

One more jade, and one more indigo. I think at this point we have a pretty even spread across the non-Sea Troll blood colours.

Daraya

I thought there was a TV show of this name, but apparently it’s ‘Daria’. This troll and that Daria seem to have a similar attitude, judging by the image. As for ‘Daraya’, it refers to a handful of places, notably Darayya in Syria, which was apparently the site of a massacre seven years ago during the civil war. Oof.

Daraya is the final troll written by Cee. L. Kyle, creator of prior memorable trolls Bronya, Zebruh, Remele and Lynera. I guess Cee likes writing jades.

Anyway, Daraya’s route begins as a few have in recent episodes - the protag feeling lethargic and listless, too tired to make friends.

We end up in a cerulean neighbourhood. There are some pointed lines...

When this game wants to, it really skewers its targets.

Anyway, the music kicks in as we realise Elwurd (the huge lesbian) texted us to invite us to a party. A bunch of other trolls seem to be showing up as well...

The track this time is called “trollkind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. to obtain something, something of equal value must be lost. that is alchemys first law of equivalent exchange. in those days, we really believed that to be the worlds one and only truth”. No prizes for guessing who decided to name a song after an extended quote from Fullmetal Alchemist.

There’s some more emphasis on how artificial our friendship feelings are...

Anyway, as we approach the party, we spot Daraya, busy looking very goffick.

She’s not thrilled to see us. Of course we’d be friends with Elwurd, she says grumpily.

Now in Befriend Mode, we do our best to mimic her whole ‘disaffected slouch’. Apparently being vaguely cynical and depressed is pleasing to Daraya. She seems to like Elwurd though...

Lesbians, I swear...

I swear...

Anyway, we learn that Daraya has snuck out of the caverns - though she’s not as restricted as little Wanshi. She whines about Bronya’s ‘cloister rules’. But hey, she met Elwurd through Bronya...

We blather about how the caves aren’t so bad, and namedrop some other jades we know. Daraya is not impressed.

Anyway, she’s not invited. So our first choice is to tell her to go home or invite her in.

Let’s let her in, because the other way doesn’t seem to go anywhere interesting.

Bronya isn’t the only troll we know at this party. Chahut apparently hasn’t yet shipped out off planet, and she shows up too.

Chahut makes some remarks about how fascinating she finds jadebloods... or ‘greenies’ as she puts it. She makes a murder joke about whether Daraya is really jade or not.

Yes, that’s exactly how I’d put it. Definitely.

After that brief brush with death, Daraya gets other ideas.

Mmhmm. As we head off, Daraya suggests we have a reputation for being ‘unconventional, weird and rebellious’. That’s certainly one way to describe ‘being a clueless alien pathologically addicted to making friends’.

Ahahaha nicely done.

Unfortunately we don’t have a lot of edgy rebellious ideas tonight.

I’m in favour of being a hoodlum.

Lots of new backgrounds in this episode. Somewhat different style too...

Apparently these are by Phil Gibson.

We ask Daraya how she’s doing. Her answer: not well.

Daraya says some dangerously radical stuff about how everything sucks for everyone but the highbloods... and maybe them too. We get a callback to the joke from last time...

Ha.

The narrator refuses to comment on that. That’s a good call, I think.

Daraya continues to complain. As a jadeblood, she’s not going to have to go into space, but life in the caverns tending to matters of social reproduction. We commiserate, which she appreciates.

We raise an eyebrow at the mention of Lynera. Danara assures us that she hates her - and not in a romantic way! (“or well...”)

At that point, we run into Tyzias. Just the person to take Daraya’s alienation and dissatisfaction and forge it into a revolutionary will, right?

Luckily, protag has the same idea. Which is no doubt why Tyzias was written into the plot at this point.

The well known “goth to anarchist” pipeline, right?

There’s a brief allusion to the weird shift that happened with Fozzer - a vague memory of a different Fozzer. “But why did you remember that guy?” indeed.

Tyzias tries to give a Daraya a little pep talk against hopelessness... Daraya is not particularly persuaded.

God I know that utterly depressing feel. What can one troll do, indeed?

Tyzias answers it the challenge.

She’s not wrong.

Daraya is not exactly being won over, but the protag does manage to get her to chill a bit and keep the conversation going. Tyzias has more real shit to say.

Daraya challenges her - is it just about making herself feel better, if there’s no realistic hope of real change? Tyzias says... in some way, it is. And the protag chimes in - that doesn’t make it less effective, at whatever little it is achieving.

At the end of this, I’m gonna try and make a list like... troll I would most want to be friends with in real life, and least, favourite route and so on. Spoilers: Tyzias would be the friend I’d want to make.

Tyzias points out like... what the hell else are they gonna do? Daraya finally admits she’s got a point.

And... having secured a friendship between not just us and Daraya, but us and Tyzias... we reach the end of the arc.

Let’s go fuck shit up. By which we mean, read law books. I guess!

That was nice. I fully support this lesbian goth and her budding revolutionary consciousness.

God I’m predictable.

Unfortunately, finding the friendship route here means it’s all downhill from here.

If we tell her to go home instead of bringing her to the party...

strut pod encasements!

That was predictably short.

OK, now for the non-phoned in side branch.

She does have an idea, it turns out. We hop into our (now quite low on fuel) car, and head off to a ruined city somewhere near the thriving one we’re living in.

Ooh. I wonder what we’ll find?

We make our way to an abandoned mall to go urbexing. Fuck, I love reading about urbex. Too much of a shut-in to have ever actually tried it.

We end up in a food court with the roof caved in. It’s apparently cool as hell. Alas, it’s not illustrated.

I’m not sure which rebellion this would be associated with. That of the Signless, or some other?

Ah, that narrows it down. The Signless rebellion, then. In which case... Alternian malls are really built to last!

We comment on the strangeness of the absence of adults, but this upsets Daraya.

Apparently, as an adult, she’ll be cloistered off on her own somewhere, and forbidden to contribute genes to the slurry. Huh.

To be honest, it’s a wonder that most other trolls are so cheery. Daraya’s attitude seems like the sensible one on this planet.

Daraya says some real shit about the existential dread she’s living with, the paralysing hopelessness of having no future to speak of.

Hey Daraya, do you fancy this copy of Baedan I happen to have on hand?

make total destroy etc. etc.

Anyway, at this point... Daraya somehow manages to set the mall on fire by throwing a mall at a cooker.

And... the narrator has no choice but to leave, as Daraya lets herself burn in the centre of the mall, one of the few places she cared about.

God, this episode was a bit real lol.

It’s not wrong though. Leftist theory certainly hasn’t cured my depression (lol), but it has given me some perspective to put it in a context where it can be managed, I guess. Something to work towards, no matter how futile it may be, in this fucking hell world that created me.

In the words of 2B... “Everything that lives is designed to end. We are perpetually trapped in a never-ending cycle of life and death. Is this a curse? Some kind of punishment? I often think about the god who blessed us with this cryptic puzzle... and wonder if I will ever get the chance to kill him.”

Let’s look to the struggle within the cycle. What else is there?

Nihkee

So now for...

Nihkee. She stronk. Keep your pants on, lesbians.

Nihkee is the creation of David Turbull, who previously made Tegiri (weeb) and Tirona (baby lawyer). Her theme, appropriately bombastic, is another James Roach piece with a long name: “lmao i still dont know if it’s nicky or nike (like the shoe, not like... the name mike)”. Make of that what you will.

This episode opens in media res - at a sporting arena. How did we get here?

We seem to be watching some kind of cage fight. Knowing trolls, I imagine it will be a lethal one.

Apparently we’re attending to Amisia. She bemoans the ‘boorishness’ of the purplebloods.

This seems to be the troll equivalent of pro-wrestling, rather than, say, MMA. However, injuries are a lot more common. We learn that Amisia won us tickets in a raffle, and invited us to this ‘Display of Muscular Theatre’.

We are watching The Huntress (olive) fight Cullpitz (purple). The narration mentions that Cullpitz is bizarrely un-clowny.

The fights are, naturally, rigged by hemospectrum. The narration notes that The Huntress seems to be deliberately holding back to avoid inciting the crowd. Amisia, however, is excited for the next competitor: Nihkee Moolah of course, who - Amisia claims - has never lost a fight.

Cullpitz wins the fight, and causes The Huntress a likely permanent injury. The protag feels sick enough to have to step away. But as we leave, we get drawn into a conversation with a violetblood (seadweller). He promises money (nah), fame (no thank you) and at last, friendship. And the deal is sealed.

Unfortunately, Nihkee’s opponent is dead. Which means... he wants us to take their place. Having an alien will make big money for the ring.

Let me guess: the choice is gonna be to refuse this terrible plan or go with it.

Maybe, but not yet...

We meet Nihkee, in the middle of working out. Some of these trolls are dressed more for MMA than pro-wrestling but who knows.

There’s a meta joke in the narration.

She is not best pleased with the showrunner for interrupting her prep. Though, I get the impression it’s all in the spirit of showtrollship.

Sure are some muscles. I’m not entirely sure what the [()] typing quirk is menat to represent exactly. Probably not a yonic symbol?

It’s worth noting at this point that all of my knowledge of professional wrestling comes from reading the TVTropes pages a couple of times. If you’re curious, it’s an impressively comprehensive discussion of wrestling terminology and the various dynamics involved in its production.

Kayfabe is the way wrestlers pretend in their media appearances that pro-wrestling competitions are not mostly scripted athletic performances with exaggerated personas, but genuine fights between real people who actually act like their stage characters. Now all the fans fully understand that wrestling is fake (but still fun), it’s not taken as seriously, but apparently it was a huge deal back in the 70s. Give the article a read, it’s fascinating.

Nihkee is not particularly impressed by the suggestion of performing with us.

We protest. At length.

We get the first choice: are we ready for a BUTT CLENCHING, FLESH ABRADING, KNUCKLE BLISTERING, MUSCLE RIPPLING, SMACKDOWN FROM UPTOWN?

Of course we fucking are.

She gives us guidelines for the show. Basically: follow her storyline. “The alien invader challenges me in an exhibition match to TOPPLE the MIGHTIARCHY.” We struggle, but eventually...

...PREVAILS AGAIN!

(I guess to convey suitable drama, a lot of Nihkee’s dialogue is split between multiple dialogue boxes, which makes it a little hard to take screenshots.)

We ask if we’ll die. She assures us no - unless we’re especially weak. But even then...

Well, that’s a great reason to die. Sign me up.

Secondly, an “exhibition match” means we will not be challenging each other for positions on the “flexeladder” - otherwise we’d have to wrestle nude, like at the “Intergalactic Trollympics”. I’d count that as a blessing.

We bring up the question of face and heel. You can read about these on tvtropes, but the narrator does a pretty good job of explaining.

In troll society, of course, the traits we’d ascribe to a ‘heel’ are valorised. So we’re just going to get crushed under her heel. Indeed.

Time for the match. The showrunner does the announcement for Nihkee.

In a clear allusion to good old Equius, Nihkee’s entrance is accompanied by a shower of thrown glasses of milk from the fans.

And opposing her whole deal is...

“Some messed up lowblood alien”. Huh, usually when I go into an arena fight in games I’m the “mysterious stranger”. Who could have seen this coming?

Ah, that’s what fate was working towards this whole time! Thanks, Doc Scratch, for your dedication to the cause of wrestling.

So, naturally, we’re playing the foreigner. Here to prove our superiority to trollkind. TVTropes naturally has an article on this: the Foreign Wrestling Heel. We’re going by the book here.

We put up a good bit of bravado. But are we prepared to face, Nihkee demands, her...

OK, you got me. I’m laughing out loud again.

The protagonist puts up a pretty good show, it seems like - barely dodging Nihkee’s attacks in a suitably dramatic fashion. We bleed, but the narration suggests that under the stage lights, the trolls will take it as ordinary ‘rust’ blood and not ‘mutant’ red. We hope.

Nihkee invites us to attack with appropriate pomp. But we...

...don’t do that, not directly. We springboard off the edge of the cage in “a classic clothesline manoeuvre”... and get knocked the fuck out.

But we haven’t reached our second decision point yet, so that can’t be the end of us. Hopefully we gave the trolls what they wanted.

Do we even have a fourth wall anymore?

Anyway, this turns out to be Nihkee’s hive. She is not impressed at our ring performance - getting knocked out by our own attack. Well, that’s fair.

Training montage incoming?

Hell yes. (She calls everyone sister, including the announcer guy, in case you’re wondering if that’s an implicit gendering of the protag.)

She’s brought us to her BRAWNISEUM. As we can see in the illustration... it’s pretty much made for Space Marines to train at.

After her speech about our indomitable will and potential, she invites us to ASCEND with her.

Hell yeah. Let’s [S] ASCEND together!

Of course we fucking take it.

We start with the acid treadmill. (The acid doesn’t seem to be depicted.) She turns it up... a bit fast.

We manage to run at 12 miles per hour - which is about bronze level good. Apparently all the machines rate us by blood colour. While the low end of the hemospectrum gets the badass psychic powers, the high end gets the physical strength, it seems. There’s more jokes about how great our legs are - they merit a cerulean!

All the while, Nihkee ‘encourages’ us in a way that’s gendered in the opposite way that things usually are on Earth.

After half an hour of that, she gives us a protein shake... except it’s not a protein shake but ‘gatorade mixed with milk’. Amazing.

Then we get tested for ‘pressure resistance’ in a soft iron maiden. Apparently that’s olive level.

The overall verdict?

Hooray.

We do more of this - including getting chased by a literal toothy monster. By the time we finally collapse...

She’s impressed by our commitment - our “strength of heart and soul”. And our great appreciation for the MOST RIGHTEOUS OF PURSUITS... earns us the recognition of “workout friend”.

And that rounds out the arc. Presumably after some more of this, the narrator will be due for a return to the ring.

Go us!

Easy arc to find the right answers in, evidently. Now to see what happens if we hesitate.

First of all, before the match...

We can’t watch as she pulls out lowblood challengers from the audience and smashes their faces into the spikes. Oh, trolls. We get treated to an image of this, too.

Mmm, indeed.

Now, if we hesitate later before the workout session...

She dismisses us - unworthy of her gifts, unwilling to reach our full potential.

She tells us to get out of her sight. The narration steps in to make another meta joke (that’s like three this arc?)

We get a fake out fade to black and the first note of the end card music... but then!

...GET RIIII(...)IIIPPPPPED! In our own way.

D --> Hmm, 100k at this e%tremely subtle reference.

Anyway, that someone turns out to be... Stelsa! And Tyzias, who happens to be present. There’s a brief discussion of a fast food service called ‘door smash’, and Stelsa’s love of scheduling. They’re cute together.

But let’s get down to business... to defeat...

...our own flimsiness.

Stelsa’s into it.

Then we hang with her and Tyzias for a bit. We suggest Tyzias might consider energy drinks.

This arc then extends over... a long time!

Multiple weeks! And the training seems to be going well...

It’s almost as if ‘drill sergeant’ isn’t the ideal demeanour for a coach after all.

But as we go to show off our progress to Nihkee, the question of this being a non-canon branch leads us to hesitate.

So we decide to ‘blitz our chakras’ to try and work this out. We put on some ocean noises (which leads to a change in the soundtrack! soft music starts playing, seguing into the menu music) and... start imagining some metaphors.

In our reverie, we slip beneath the surface of the river.

Things get kind of meta. I’m just gonna take a bunch of screenshots because this seems... important.

The images of failed branches, all these catastrophes, blur together on top of each other.

We are implored to ‘find our river’. And we find the two branches of the current route... one sounding much more inviting than the other.

Then things get REALLY meta.

And then we get the rest of the arc in some kind of summary form, all in this... letterboxed? That’s not the right word, but whatever... all in this view. Nihkee is not pleased to see us. We come up with the idea of sneaking in.

It does not seem to end well.

She chases us on one leg and we escape by getting her run over by a train. But she becomes a cyborg coming to chase us down, terminator-like. Yeah, seriously.

NIHKEEBORG spends a year hunting us across the wilderness. And eventually... she catches us. We die.

And coming out of the meditation, we decide... not to do that. We just go to Stelsa’s house instead, and let Nihkee be.

Oof.

God, you never know what you’re going to stumble onto in this game. That was amazing.

Next time: FINAL CHAPTER.

#momestuck #lets read hiveswap friendsim

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bigskydreaming · 5 years

Text

Like, I realize I was posting a ton encouraging people to vote yesterday, but now that midterms are over, let’s be perfectly clear that those posts were made urging white middle class liberals to vote. Because no person of color has ever needed a white dude to tell them why they should vote in the name of damage control even when they don’t like or ‘feel inspired’ by the ballot choices. And the fact is that many, MANY people don’t seem to get that the reason so many marginalized leftists on tumblr speak critically about the Democrats and liberals even at the height of election season is because they’ve fully mastered the art of doing whatever the fuck they have to while already having moved on to worrying about what comes next. And its patronizing as hell to basically expect them to put their training wheels back on until the rest of us catch up to that level of survivalism meets progressivism.

Which we’re never going to do if we don’t fucking start learning to speak with distinction about the difference between groups who are anti-voting or just critical of voting because voting doesn’t get them ENOUGH of what they want and the groups that are anti-voting or voting critical because voting doesn’t get them ANY of what they want and they’re still stuck doing it because at best its a speedbump in the way of making things WORSE than they already are, but hey even a speedbump helps, I guess.

But make no mistake, there IS a difference, and yet which groups tend to get blamed most for elections not going the left’s way? I’ll give you a hint. It’s NOT the groups that have larger platforms and louder voices than the others.

And which groups do you think actually have the MOST influence in whether or not elections go the left’s way? I’ll give you another hint. It’s absolutely the groups that have larger platforms and louder voices than the others.

We all know that trickle down economics doesn’t work, but some of us apparently are still trying to pretend that trickle down social economics somehow works any better. If you were on twitter last night or this morning, there was a MARKED distinction in attitudes from left-leaning users. And that distinction was between White Twitter and Everyone Else. White Twitter were the ones cheering and celebrating and going ‘we did it’ and ‘this is a victory’ and ‘dont let anyone tell you this wasn’t a win!’ Everyone else were the ones going ‘yes, this was good, but we’re not really celebrating because hey guess what? It still wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH.’

And that’s the real problem we’re facing, White Internet at Large. That’s what’s really holding us back. This thing where we’re all happy to sing ‘we’re all in this together’ when we NEED Everyone Else, when even WE’RE aware that things are dire and our most basic rights and freedoms are on the line....

But the second things take an uptick FOR US, suddenly, its fuck those guys, amiright, lol? Suddenly its ‘omg why cant you just let us have this for five seconds’ and ‘sometimes people need something to feel good about, for morale’ and a dozen other things that are basically us flipping off everyone who’s harshing our buzz by pointing out that however better things might have just improved for us, y’know, the ones who were already least affected and thus the latest to arrive at the We Should Totally Burn It All Down Party, that doesn’t exactly mean jack shit has changed for Everyone Else. Just that at most, things haven’t gotten actively worse over night, and guess what? That’s not something we should ever feel okay telling people they should CELEBRATE, especially not if the people we’re telling it to are afforded less privileges and advantages by their status quo than we are by ours.

Trickle down social economics is ‘wait your turn’ and ‘you have to be patient’, spoken obliviously to the ones who’ve been waiting the whole damn time, about things that nobody should ever have to be patient about because its 2018 and we’re still believing the hype that ‘inalienable rights’ are to be distributed at the discretion of the Ones At The Top.

Trickle down social economics is ‘a rising tide lifts all boats’ and ‘hey this might not have improved things for you THIS time but it put the rest of us in a better position to make things better for you down the line, and you did that, so thanks, that’s why your vote counts.’

Trickle down social economics doesn’t work for the same exact reason trickle down economics doesn’t work: making the 1% flush with more cash doesn’t trickle down the social classes and make everyone else more money through the creation of more jobs and the introduction of more capital circling through the economy.....because the 1% have zero motivation to spend their newfound cash on anyone else, zero interest in creating new jobs and introducing more capital into the economy to boost and revitalize it. They got theirs and now they’re doing just fine. They see no reason to change things or expend any more effort than what they’ve already expended obtaining the Extra that they were after for themselves. The lower classes are of no further use to them at this time, so as far as they’re concerned, they see no further need to interact with or on behalf of the lower classes until the next time they need to make use of the lower classes in pursuit of their own self-interests again.

It’s the SAME DAMN THING here. White liberals, as a whole we are guilty of the exact same shit most of us have only lately found it fashionable to despise the 1% for, just in terms of social capital, WHICH WE ALL HAVE, 1% and 99% alike.

This is what we’re doing. Every election cycle. Without fail. Without deviation. Relying on people of color. Talking a good game. Saying how we’re all in this together, we are the future, we have to come together, democracy’s at stake for each and every one of us, blah blah blah.....and then the SECOND we see things turn around enough that WE personally are able to be optimistic again, take heart, see a light at the end of the tunnel, we don’t want to hear anyone else hampering our celebration with talk of the issues they’re still facing. Have been facing all along, that have in no way, shape or form improved along with the improvement of our fortunes. Who personally have ZERO reason to be any more optimistic than they were yesterday, to take heart, to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Suddenly its ‘We’re TIRED,” and “we’re only human” and “everyone needs to rest sometime” and “nobody can stay this energized 24/7/365, we need to encourage people to stop and appreciate the victories along the way when and where we can.” As though Everyone Else isn’t every bit as damn tired, most likely MORESO, because they’ve been fighting this uphill battle long before our own self interest finally dragged us into it. As though Everyone Else isn’t just as in need of rest. As though Everyone Else doesn’t find it just as hard to stay this energized 24/7/365, as though they too wouldn’t like to stop and appreciate the victories along the way, if they actually WERE victories for them too instead of at best a lack of worsening of their present circumstances.

White liberals and leftists, we have a fucking problem (well, we have a lot) but this one’s name is Taking Too Damn Long To Join The Fight, And Calling Timeout And Taking A Breather The Second It Looks Like WE Personally Can Afford To, Screw How Everyone Else Is Doing.

Crawling over to the sidelines and grabbing a water and waving over at everyone else and saying “You guys got this, you’re doing great, I’m just gonna catch my breath, but I’m totally right here, I’m with ya, I’ll tap back in annnnny second now, just....little winded....still need a sec,” only to stretch that second and drag it out until coincidentally, we only seem to actually tap back in right around the time our own Personal Interests are up for grabs again and the focus of the next battle.

You went out and voted yesterday? Great. Good. That was a thing that you did that helped not make things worse and hopefully gave us some more tools with which to make things better.

But don’t fucking celebrate. Not now. Not yet. Look around at everyone who isn’t White Twitter and White Tumblr and read the fucking room. Look at WHO specifically isn’t celebrating, and wonder why, and then stop fucking wondering cuz you don’t need to because they’re all more than willing to tell us, they’ve been telling us all along, we just don’t like to listen to depressing shit when we could be celebrating our own good fortunes instead.

If we’re really all in this together, then we don’t get to celebrate until ALL of us have reason to celebrate. And guess who doesn’t get to decide when EVERYONE has cause to celebrate? Give you another hint - its NEVER the first people to see their fortunes change or improve.

And if truth is, you’re really just looking out for number one and are secretly annoyed at having to care about how other people are doing when you just want to be happy for yourself? I mean, you do you, but maybe in the future keep that “we’re all in this together” line out of your mouth unless you’re totes cool with being a disingenuous exploitative asshole who doesn’t actually give much of a fuck about marginalized people or people with marginalizations other than yours. Y’know. When they’re not being directly beneficial to your own self-interests and circumstances.

But still. If you voted yesterday, good job. It wasn’t everything it could’ve been, but it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been either, so you can pat yourself on the back for a job well done at keeping things from actively getting that much worse. Your vote mattered. You did that. Well done.

Now let’s get the fuck back to work.

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tylerwritez · 3 years

Text

Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m. sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad. But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking about random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude

#JudeJournals #jude shepard #tumblr diary #journal

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in-a-trans-like-state · 6 years

Text

so my xmas is pretty much over. it was ok

under the cut is just me giving a blow by blow of my day trying to figure out my emotions.

the morning was nice though i had problems sleeping and woke up about 2 to go back to sleep at 6 to get up at 8 and be tired all day.

I made bacon and raspberry pancakes for my family’s brekkie and we opened presents over food. my dad decided it was a great time to collect all the food and cutlery he wanted from upstairs and take it downstairs (his abode since my parents have spilt up) He wasn't too much of an arsehole though he really could have waited till i’d finished in the kitchen to rummage around it trying to find the last bowl of a set ( that turned out to be downstairs anyway)

We went to my great uncles for lunch. I don’t like having xmas at his much cos he never really comes to family gatherings so he feels more like a stranger than anything. Plus he and his wife are loaded and they invite their rich friends over and i did not feel like talking to people i didnt know. Especially load drunk ones who are the embodiment of the “what could a banana cost? $10?” meme lady. (OK i dont actually know how rich they are but they live in a very nice suburb in a big house with way too much wine and it makes my working class leftist self cringe.) I much prefer to have christmas at my grandma’s run down place that creaks and the kitchen floor slopes because its the uncut bedrock the house it built on, and the only new people i have to deal with are my cousin’s new boyfriends.

One guy was extremely extroverted and drunk and he was very cringe worthy. Like shut! up! you are embarrassing yourself! and your daughters! He cornered me said he remembered me from when i was little and made comments about how I’d changed, he actually bought up the gender thing which like everyone else was stepping around.

My great aunt made comments about how much happier i am and how she was glad i’d followed my stars. Like thanks? But also I transitioned nearly 3 years ago?? Have you not spoken to me since then? (probably) Talking to the drunk guy was awkward but it was over pretty quick and i ran back to my mum.

The food was good. I liked the ham and smoked salmon. there was prawns which stunk and made me feel vaugely sick for the rest of the day. as well as my dad’s smoked chicken. Idk what it is about it but when ever he makes it it tastes slightly off to me. Probably cos im not used to it. There much have been 20 bottles of wine on the table. Like ?? You don’t need a bottle of red and white for every person present.

My dad opted to go home with my aunt and granny so he could stay and bitch longer. He is an alcoholic. I always thought I was maybe exaggerating when i said that but mum recently told me that he has attended AA meeting in the past. Apparently when they last separated about 9 years ago he was sober for a couple of months. but then said something like “my life isnt worth living without alcohol.” Which does make me feel a little sorry for him, but also he is such an arsehole when he is drunk, like he can be bad when his sober but drunk him is a nightmare and 100% why mum’s separating form him (for good this time)

Like mum was so worried during the lead up to xmas because what if he gets drunk and starts complaining loudly about her at the family lunch? And she cant leave cos there’s only one car? Or worse (?) he waits til we get home before (verbally) laying into her and us. I wasnt home but my sister got into uni the other day and instead of congratulating her dad made a big fuss cos no one had told him. I cant wait til mum has her own place. Where she (and me and my sisters) dont have to fear him stomping up the stairs to yell at us. I always tell my self that he’s probably not abusive. Like he is a negative toxic person (mum calls him draining) but he doesnt beat us or emotionally manipulate us on purpose. But honestly whats the difference? I wouldn’t be exaggerating too much by calling him abusive.

I suppose the difference is that I’m (unlikely) to get PTSD from him? And i feel that it wasn’t as bad as some people have it so am I offending actual victims by calling him abusive? But also as theres no way I’m going to start talking over abuse victims and saying shit like I survived my dad with minimal damage that therefore their stories are invalid that calling him abusive or nearly abusive just puts another blip of the spectrum of this is what abuse can look like. If that makes sense? Fuck this was meant to be a christmas post and now its been derailed.

Anyway I hope one of them sobered up enough to drive. Because drunk driving is a dick move and also I’m slightly worried that they’re dead. My anxiety is always going people are late? They had a car crash there’re dead. I know not to fixtate on it and just go well its possible but also quite unlikely so stfu brain.

I spent way too much time on my phone trying to ignore people so now i have a headache. I didnt get to drink because I was designated driver so at least I’m not hungover but I was so tired I nearly feel asleep at the wheel. I came home and slept for two hours straight.

I’ve changed my sheets which ive been meaning to do for a week now, and had coco pops (thanks santa!) for dinner. I need to have a shower and eat some fruit. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep because we’ve got to get up again tomorrow and go to my granny’s for present opening. because for some reason we couldn’t do it at my great uncles? Like not that I’m complaining about seeing the family again its just very time consuming and I’ve got work tomorrow afternoon so my whole day will be on a time limit and therefor stressful.

I feel pretty down though. its probably the headache. Maybe its the fact i didnt get presents from extended family so my inner four year old is sad. Maybe its the weather it was quite cold today. Maybe I’m all socalised out.

I think its partly cos im disappointed in myself for not engaging with people more. Even though I was tired and therefore socialising is undesirable and they were drunk and too loud. I’m also slightly pissed off at having to go to my great uncles. But also the reason we went is cos he had cancer this year so I also feel like a massive jerk for not wanting to go to his place.

So all in all the day could have gone better. But also it was ok. Like I’ve long since accepted that the whole of christmas day cant be 24 hours of magical this is a special day feeling. Maybe thats an adult sign or maybe its depression (xmas is less and less fun as you grow up) either way I suppose it could have been a more special day. But also it doesnt really matter and hopefully i’ll feel better tomorrow

#this is literally just me rambling for 1300 words #yes i copied pasted it into a word doc might aswell try to collect this 'journal entries'#i do go on a ramble about my parents separating and whether or not i can call my dad an abusive alcoholic #because he is technically but also not really what you think off when you hear abusive alcoholic #like he's never hit us #he's just energy draining and negative and unconsciously sexist and resistant to own up and apologise #partly cos he is too drunk to remember the incidents?#alcohol #abuse #anyway in conclusion i had an ok day that could have been better #and ive got to do most of it again tomorrow which could turn out really good or just plain stressful #i speak

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gryffon · 7 years

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gonna post that thing i wrote about my abusive ex, this isnt a callout but its just like, all the shit ive been wanting to say and havent felt like i could. gonna namedrop people, gonna not give a fuck, i cant cw for everything but there are rape mentions, physical assault mentions and like. general feelings that happen the wake of emotional abuse.

i dont check often but my ex has deleted the blog she was currently using, (@windowpainter or somethng. she was @hamgubber before, previously @miniaturehorse if anybody remembers from when we were totgether and would post on each others blogs nonstop lol) she has a history of lurking around and worming her way into befriending popular people in online subcommunities i am part of or adjacent to. i have not spoken to her since i realized she was abusive and started to try to pull out of our codependent dynamic. she panicked when i realized actions speak louder than words and her long winded apologies, excuses, and textbookish tripe about DBT and getting better or whatever meant nothing in the face of months of repeated lying, breaking of promises, degradation, disrespect to me as a person, disregard of my physical disabilities, insults, patronization, manipulation, multiple instances of cheating, antagonization, neglect, extortion and overall emotional abuse. when she caught wind that i was going to leave her she wrote me a series of emails totaling over 30,000 words, all varying from "i love you please dont leave me we can work this out. breaking up with me is weak." to "you are not a victim. you are not a victim. here is a categorized list of the ways in which you are abusive while i downplay my own behaviors and patronize you. here's an ultimatum and you are not allowed to respond with more than one sentence." to which i disregarded and wrote up a long, thoughtful reply and chose to never send, ending contact with her for good. this was like, 2013 or 2014.

she never called me out, and i never called her out despite giving very serious consideration to it. i was listening to the advice of my therapist at the time, who told me that she thrives on drama and spends her life constantly creating it, and to give her that kind of attention was exactly what she wanted and would only engage her more in my life and be more degrading to my mental health. the best course of action was to give her nothing, and not give her any more power or influence over me, any footholds or any more of my time, consideration, energy or thought. if anybody reading this has endured emotional abuse from somebody you love, you know it is extremely difficult to totally ignore somebody like this, especially when that person has isolated you from the majority of your support system and friends and you have shaped your entire identity around your relationship with your abuser. but i have followed my therapists advice. i have been working on moving on.

still, over the past few years ive had my mutuals contacted by her friends and told to stop talking to me. ive had people i follow put her and her friends on my dash, which up until recently would send me into a panic that lasted several hours. i have a lot of people in the lesbian/commie/leftist/trans/etc/whatever circles on tumblr who just like randomly have me blocked for no reason (since i dont give a fuck and im going for a spirit of total honesty here, ill name drop @butchcommunist, who she dated for a period of time iirc. a lot of my followeds and mutuals reblog from her. i made a point not to check either of their blogs after finding out but it was upsetting since i would see julia all over my dash. that connection still exists in my mind and its pretty upsetting.). ultimately, and rationally i know that these things do not matter that much. i have a vibrant, healthy and loving circle of friends outside of the internet/tumblr and some randos on the internet having me blocked doesn't really mean anything in the scheme of things. still, when this shit happened it felt terrifying and i was horrified, my emotions magnified by the effects of emotional abuse. despite my VERY intense urge for closure, i try to keep as far away from her as possible.

i gave this woman a year of my life that in my memory is defined by her. i was very madly in love and i spent countless hours at her beck and call, countless hours in calls and in text conversations with her, countless hours supporting her through breakdowns, countless hours talking through her fears and worries, countless hours defending her when she stirred up drama, countless hours defending her horrible behavior to my friends, countless hours rationalizing her abuse to myself and people who approached me with worry, countless hours loving her and wondering why it felt so horrifically painful to be with somebody who told you they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you. almost all the money i was making at the time was spent on her. i helped her move across the continent. i had her at my house for weeks. she fucking took out a loan from my mom. despite how big a role she played in my life, over the past 3 years since our falling out i have only checked her blog less times than i can count on my fingers, usually in moments of distress and in the spirit of self-destruction.

i know for a fact she has convinced her friends to check my blog for her god knows how many times, telling them about her fear of me as a 'dangerous person', that i’m going to call her out, her "fear" that im obsessing over her and am quietly plotting to ruin her life. she's scared for a good reason, but not because i'm an abusive bitter ex out on a smear campaign to slander her innocent name and ruin her life in the name of revenge. she's scared because she knows i have some undeniably serious receipts on her. i have receipts of her sending me a horrifying letter her ex had written her describing a graphic instance of a time my ex had raped her, and of her admitting outright to the rape. i have logs of her checking her rape victim's blog and telling me how exasperated she was her victim was still angry with her even after she apologized, and couldn't understand why her victim was stuck on her and wouldnt move on, going on to blame modern feminism and its tendency to portray abusers and rapists as incorrigible. i have receipts of her admitting to perpetrating emotional and physical abuse in her previous relationships, like an instance where she describes losing control of herself and beating her ex senselessly. i have talked with exes, who confirm stories she had told me where she would cut her arms in her presence, deep enough that her life was at risk, and then refuse to go to the hospital, leaving her girlfriend to either bandage and tend to her wounds or else my ex would bleed out and die. those are just the more horrific ones. i have many receipts that document her emotional abuse towards me as well, which im barely even getting into here. i know plenty of other people have experiences with her and accounts of interacting with her that undeniably portrays her as a serial abuser, rapist, and extortionist and exposes the falsehood of her charming and intelligent persona.

several times i have considered calling her out because she has proven herself beyond a doubt that she is a serial abuser who leaves a trail of burning bridges in her wake. i have no doubts that the evidence i have against her is completely solid, and her claims of my status as an abuser that she perpetuates to her friends are built on pillars of sand. i am not afraid of anything she could bring to the table anymore. i have spoken quite a bit with exes and ex friends (some of which sided with her during our breakup and who eventually ended up cutting off, and we reconnected with years after), and they all suggest the same shit. she is manipulative to her very core and will not stop hurting and using people until she dies.

these are big claims and again, this isn't a callout and the reason im not providing the logs is because im just trying to get out my thoughts in an honest way and im not trying to make a case about anything. this is cathartic. im so fucking tired of feeling like its a secret. i dont even know what blog shes using or whatever and while that scares me, i don't care anymore. people who are still semi-big names in the online communities i drift around in still have me blocked and a lot of times i wish i could message them and tell them "hey, you know she's wrong, and i have absolute proof." but my self worth is high enough that i dont need to go around convincing every single rando who doesn't like me that im a good person, not to mention the risk of indirect contact through those who's lives she is still present in.

for a long time the way i coped was by holding onto the idea that she would apologize to me, and i could finally have closure. she apologized to the ex i mentioned earlier, and because of that i hoped she would grow enough as a person to realize that there is literally no way any rational being could look at our relationship and say that, yeah, i was the one hurting her. apparently thats too much credit to give her, and i realize she only apologized to her ex because she wanted me to think she was changing, growing and a good person at heart who just had a rough past. after enough time, enough conversations with people who she was previously close to, i have accepted that she will never truly dedicate herself to getting better. she will always be using people, always be hurting people, always lying, always hypocritical, always disingenuous and always covering her ass by hiding under the language of victimhood, trauma, recovery, self-improvment, DBT, and therapy to convince her victims that her offences are missteps in her journey to improvement.

this isn't a callout, this isn't meant to be circulated as a warning, this isn't meant to be any sort of vengeance or crusade. i dont even think shes fuckin on tumblr anymore lol. i don't care anymore. i dont care what people take this as. this is me writing an honest, open, reflective, cathartic processing of the scenario that impacted my teenage years so severely. this isnt concise or well written and i dont need it to be. i've spent too many years wanting to talk about this, needing to process it more openly, but being riddled with horrific anxiety and fear, worrying about her and her social influence and her ability to impact my life. but its been a long time. ive worked hard at this. ive worked hard to get past this. ive worked hard to learn how to be with people who will treat me with kindness. i needed to write this and i needed to post this without editing every sentence a thousand times. this is largely unedited. i dont care if this makes me look pathetic or obsessed with her ive been letting these feelings stir for years and im just ready to breathe again.

if you want to talk about this post DM me or whatever. if you know her and think its all bullshit and you want logs, sure. i dont have anything to hide anymore. her name is viv and she is the worst person i have ever met and i feel sorry that i gave her so much of my love. thanks.

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