made it to my tiny cabin and realized I forgot every single book I bought to read so we love that for me

• • •  STARTING LIVE!

       02AUG2020  |   🐥 JINWOOK’S HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🥳 🥳        DURATION   |   1:02:22

it’s a cute set, albeit typical for this kind of broadcast. the staff have provided jinwook with a fixed camera framing his mini birthday table, complete with multicolored balloons decorating the back wall. there’s a small tablet to monitor the stream and comment feed, which jinwook fiddles with as he waits. in retrospect, he thinks it would’ve been nicer to hold a more casual conversation with fans for his first solo live, but that might just be the nerves talking.

he fills the silence with music, his guitar in his lap. it’s an everyday sight, but jinwook realizes most fans won’t have heard him play much, so he takes care to warm up cleanly, and warm up his vocals too. he only alternates between a few simple chords, though. it’s the sort of background music he used to hear when he’d occasionally attend church services with eve. as jinwook plays he imagines an audience quietly filing in, taking their seats at his birthday party as they each receive the live notification. finally the staff motions for jinwook that the actual video is starting, and he rests the instrument in his lap, out of view for now.

“hello! i’m convex’s sunshine, jinwook.” the greeting is bright and familiar as he dips his head toward the camera. it’s unlikely that the viewers, who arrived so early from a notification, don’t know his name, but it can’t hurt to start off formally. “today is my birthday! yay!!” also evident from the title and the backdrop. jinwook gives himself a round of applause anyway. then he picks up a party hat from the table and slips the cone over his head. “tada~” 

“since we can’t meet in person, i wanted to greet you all with a live today to celebrate.” there’s a pause as jinwook adjusts the thin elastic of the party hat. he takes a breath. “last year, hmm...” he taps a finger to his cheek as he thinks back. “oh, last year i made cupcakes! i was helping our team sphere on the mgas.. so i couldn’t meet consta that time, either.” jinwook hums in thought, suddenly a bit nostalgic about his time as a coach. he shakes his head. “so i’m excited to try this out now.”

“let’s see...” he says, quickly moving on, “is everyone settling in here alright?” he peers over the tablet and rests a finger over the chat to pause its scrolling speed. the amount of viewers is staggering and the number only keeps rising, but jinwook focuses on the individual users sending messages instead. it’s a relief to see the majority in his native language. “hello and hello and hello,” he says, reading off a string of usernames and greeting each one individually, “and thank you for coming, and thank you for coming, and thank you for coming~!”

when jinwook releases his finger from the screen, the chat jumps back to life, shifting too quickly to read. he frowns and tries to pause it again. it takes some concentration to read off the unusual username combinations, but he does his best.

💬  :  happy bday 🥳 🥳 🥳 💬  :  you look handsome!!! 💬  :  happy birthday oppa~ 💬  :  thank you for being born 💖🎁🎁 💬  :  bare faced jinwook is the best!

“ah, thank you~ hello!! thank you too~ thank you for being by my side! oh! this one...” jinwook is startled into a laugh at the last comment, bringing a hand over his mouth. when he drops his hand he shows his full face to the camera, grinning. “this is definitely not bare faced jinwook, but, still i appreciate you thinking so~”

as he tries to keep reading, he tilts his head and squints. many of the messages are just full of celebrating emoji or animated emotes. it’s less to parse, but more noise to sort through. “ah, so much emoji in chat, you all must’ve learned from me, huh...” he muses.

after another minute he leans back again, his nerves settled. well, jinwook’s never had much trouble even talking to himself, so it shouldn’t surprise him that speaking to a bustling chat window comes naturally, too.

💬  :  did you have a good day so far?

“i’m happy today!” jinwook answers confidently. “my grandmother always wakes up early on sunday mornings, so i called her on the way to practice! and later tonight i’m going to video call with my family. actually i told my sister what time i was going live, so she might be listening too?” jinwook squints back down at the tablet and bites his lower lip. “ah, the chat is going way too fast to tell...”

💬  :  where are the other members!!

“hmm, training?” jinwook grins. “i’m taking a break to talk for right now~ but we are all working very hard otherwise!” he shares another smile, proud of himself for not mentioning anything further - although if his eyes sparkle, he can’t be held responsible. “they might stop by at the end!”

“that reminds me!” jinwook reaches below the table for his bag, pulling out a fresh journal that jaehyun had gifted him in the morning. he holds it up for the camera, proudly showing off the nice foil accents and the fold-out attachment. “my roommate, haru, got me this really pretty notebook. it’s supposed to work as a real midi keyboard.” jinwook’s runs his fingers over the cover. “he has good timing since i am almost out of pages in my old notebook... i’m excited to use it.”

💬  :  oppa’s hair is cool today!

“my hair, ah..” jinwook reaches absently to touch it, pleased. “it grew!” it’s worn longer than it was for pretty u era, freshly dyed and parted down the middle. he’s lucky he’s even allowed to have it showing for the live right now, since it’s a similar shade to his old cut. “i’m kind of happy, since it feels healthy recently...” he chuckles a little, the compliment leading him to another train of thought.

“speaking of cool, consta, did you guys see our call me baby special stage last week?” jinwook looks up to the camera and leans in, curious. “the concept was slightly darker for us, since unit black is so, you know... cool.” jinwook gestures vaguely but laughs at the understatement. it’s not a big enough word to describe some of the biggest superstars in the industry. “we have songs like rock but it’s different from convex‘s usual image, maybe,” he adds thoughtfully, knowing full well that their next comeback is inching in that direction. “do you think we suited it well?”

💬  :  convex is cool too!

jinwook nods, pleased by the positive responses in the chat. “so it was okay, then?” he laughs a little because of course, they’re all biased fans and he asked for it on his birthday, but it’s still reaffirming. “mmm, it still felt a bit refreshing and funky like convex, too. so i think there can be a middle ground,” he says, as if simply imagining how things could evolve in the future. “something smooth like that stage?”

something smooth. jinwook’s thinking of crazy in love, specifically, but the title song itself is an even bigger departure from their pretty u sound and aesthetic. “ah..” he shakes his head with a sheepish grin, “i think i’m rambling a lot.” jinwook takes a dramatic deep breath and collects his thoughts.

then he shifts away from the tablet to pull up the guitar in his lap. “i wanted to answer a lot of messages, but i actually prepared a song for you, too.” he strums a bright chord for emphasis. “it’s nothing fancy but i thought consta would maybe enjoy something like this. so i don’t have to sing happy birthday to myself, or anything,” he jokes.

🎵  :  heartz / minhee&luda — i’ll be there

“this is one of my favorite songs recently! i thought it would be nice for our fans, too.” it’d been an easy choice when jinwook was preparing for this stream. it’s a recent sphere release, plus he’s been listening to and singing the song since it came out, so he already knew most of the words. still, jinwook pulls up the lyrics on the tablet just in case. since he frames it as a fan song, there’s no need to change the gendered parts, although he doesn’t think he would have bothered, either way. 

jinwook only slows the tempo and lowers the key slightly to fit his guitar and his voice. the song has a different energy with an acoustic guitar instead of the bouncy synths, but it’s just as sweet and upbeat. he takes his time, singing all the way through both verses and two choruses. 

just before the bridge, jinwook trails off with a little smile. “ah, i just practiced up until here so far...” he keeps strumming idly as he leans over the tablet again. the comments flood with cheers that jinwook only can read some pieces of. it feels good, though, and jinwook feels confident about the vibe.

he watches several prying questions about heartz fly by in response, and carefully doesn’t acknowledge any of them. “of course i’ve been cheering for heartz,” is all he says. “i really liked around you and vivid also! and i’m excited for the next singles released this week, too.”

💬  :  please a convex song next!!

“oh,” he says, “a convex song?” jinwook takes a break, first, to roll out his wrists. then he hums in thought, searching for something he could play on the spot. “do you remember this one?”

🎵  :  convex — 20

he transitions into a familiar guitar intro. long-time fans might recognize it as the vocal unit song from convex’s debut album, but jinwook is pleased to introduce it to anyone else who’s unfamiliar. personally, he thinks it has held up pretty well over the past two years. “shh—” he mimics the sharp first line, then smiles as he continues strumming and begins to sing.

the song proves difficult to solo, and jinwook wishes he’d thought to prepare more material ahead of time. a medley could’ve been nice, but with all of the comeback preparations going on..... instead jinwook giggles as he trips over the lyrics, attempting the first verse’s backing and lead vocals both together. “hm..” he mumbles, glancing up at the camera. he casually redoes the section to make a decent recovery, and the chorus soars as intended. 

“ah...” says jinwook wistfully after he eases to a stop, “i’ll have to come back to that one someday. that one is nice to sing to consta, too. i always liked the lyrics a lot. you’re my twenties~”

he taps his fingers against the body of the guitar and is reminded of the special day. “but today my twenties are officially half-over, aren’t they? wah... scary....”

twenty-five. he stares blankly toward the tablet, thinking he should follow up: then i’ll just spend the second half of my twenties with consta!

these days, though, it feels like an unfair promise to make.

💬  :  like a gorilla like a gorilla!

his eye catches on one of the suggestions breezing down the chat window, and it interrupts his brooding with a burst of laughter. “gorilla? de:code’s gorilla?” he repeats. he tries a few chords but they’re not in the right key, and jinwook grins as he puts away his guitar on its stand. “i don’t know, that one would be an interesting acoustic cover.” he sings a little phrase of it anyway, a random adlib from the ending: “girl you make me feel~!”

“but!” he points a finger at the camera, not wanting his opinions to be twisted. “maybe one day i could cover their song beautiful, or i’m fine from predebut!”

💬  :  what are you listening to recently?

“hmm... what is new?” jinwook absently adjusts his elastic party hat elastic and pulls out his phone. “i like lee hi’s holo! per_se have a nice summer album.. with o sole mio, and of course...” jinwook hits a pretty falsetto as he opens the music app: “this is how i feel about you, twilight~”

“it’s like twilight, yeah~” he flicks through his playlist and wonders if he should just share screenshots of the whole thing on fancafe. “ah, and eclipse’s comeback!” he adds. “look, isn’t the album cover pretty?” his screen is probably illegible, when he holds it up close to show the camera, but at least his enthusiasm is clear. “i like their night side the best, with that unique rock sound...” jinwook pauses, and reconsiders. “actually, navillera was totally my style, too.” he shakes his head and grins. “eclipse is definitely cool no matter what.”

💬  :  it is already 4 in the morning here why 😭

english. jinwook has glazed over every message in foreign languages but he laughs at this one. he trips over a stilted reading of the comment, and quickly switches back to korean to answer. “i’m sorry ahh, next time i have to think of different timezones, right?” he tilts his head. “mm, it seems impossible to find a good time for everyone all around the world? but i’m happy you could visit with me for even a little bit. please make sure to rest well~” as an afterthought, he finishes in english: “and goodnight~”

💬  :  can you show a rap verse? 

“rapping?” jinwook’s eyes light up at the suggestion, and he laughs out loud. “can i tell a secret?” it’s not the right question to ask, judging by the staff’s reaction. but jinwook leans in sneakily, and continues despite their concerned looks. “we tried to switch parts for adore u once, so i learned seungcheol’s rap! that choi seungcheol,” he says with a grin, “has pretty good expressions on stage these days... his parts are fun! i like practicing his pretty u verse, too.”

he tells the story casually, although that part switch was not just boredom in the practice rooms, but an official planned anniversary release. that weekend in incheon is still a fond memory despite the disappointment of never getting to see the final edit.

he rolls his shoulders. “anyway, i don’t have the nice low voice for it, but there is a little melody to his parts a lot of the time...” jinwook postures up for full effect and puts on his best rapper expression. “how can you dazzle so much? you’re so pretty it’s—”

it’s probably for the best that he is interrupted by a loud knock and a rowdy chorus of happy birthday starting right outside the door.

➡️  :  continued in part two...

Title: A Little Pixie Dust For Bakugou’s Birthday! Pairing:  Kacchako Rating: T Word Count: 4,511 Read on Ao3 Summary:  

Bakugou hates Disneyland. He hates the lines, the people, the strollers. But his girlfriend can make him appreciate anything.

Full fic under the cut! Thanks to @amaisenshi  for betaing <3 <3

'Happiest place on earth' his ass.

Bakugou glared at the large mass of people pushing through the crowds as he stood on Main Street, U.S.A. in Disneyland California. Most people dreamed of coming here, but Bakugou dreamed of leaving as soon as fucking possible.

His shoulder lurched forward, and a woman apologized for bumping into him as she maneuvered her stroller down the street. He growled, small explosions crackling in his hand. There were too many goddamn people.

Why the hell had he agreed to come here?

"Mina-chan, Mina-chan! Look, look! These displays move!"

Oh.

That was why.

Uraraka Ochako had her arm hooked through Pinky's. Her round cheeks were flushed, her brown eyes sparkling with excitement.

She was why. He clenched his fists, stopping himself for causing more of a scene. Unless otherwise authorized, quirk usage wasn't allowed in the parks. He flared his nostrils, sucking in a long breath.

"C'mon man, lighten up!" Kirishima's voice cut through the screaming children and various excited murmurs spreading throughout the street.

Bakugou growled. "I don't know why people fucking love this place."

"Hey Baks... language," Kirishima hissed, looking around nervously at some of the children running about.

"Who the fuck cares?" he grumbled, lowering his voice ever so slightly.

Uraraka pointed at the window, and cupped her own cheeks. She swayed her hips back and forth, the pink skirt flowing around her hips. They'd barely walked into the park, and already she'd bought pink, sequin Mickey ears which matched her skirt.

She was way too fucking happy about all this. Bakugou was convinced Disneyland was going to be one giant headache and a bunch of lines he would be forced to stand in, only to get to ride mediocre rides.

"Katsuki-kun!" Uraraka turned around, waving her hand frantically, gesturing to the window. "Come see!"

He rolled his eyes and folded his arms over his chest, stepping over to where she was. Pinky grabbed Kirishima, dragging him around the corner to look at something else, leaving Bakugou alone with his girlfriend.

Well, as alone as they could be in this giant fucking park with millions of people.

"What?" he snorted.

"These window displays move!" she laughed. "See! This Peter Pan one..."

The scene showed Peter in the Darlings' house, the three children eager to learn to fly while Tinkerbell's dust shimmered on the side. After a minute or so, the house twirled down out of sight and the roof popped up with the city skyline, the children floating above the roof with Peter.

Even Bakugou widened his eyes; how the hell did they get it to move so easily!?

"Isn't it amazing!?" she giggled, leaning closer to the glass.

"It's fine," Bakugou shrugged, letting his hands fall down by his side.

Her hand brushed against his own, and she laced their fingers together. "To be honest," she began softly, "I've always loved Peter Pan. When I got my quirk, I thought I was magical like Tinkerbell, since I could make people float."

"Mmm..." Bakugou grunted. Minus the ability to make people fly, Bakugou didn't really see the similarities between Uraraka and Tinkerbell. Uraraka was way cuter and far nicer, though he did enjoy imagining her with a cute bun for a moment.

"What?" she asked, tilting her head. "I-I guess that was pretty stupid of me."

"Oi..." he grunted, squeezing her hand. "You're not stupid." He would never think that of her. "I just think... you're way fucking better than that basic bitch."

Uraraka's eyes widened. "Did you... just call Tinkerbell... a basic bitch?" she snorted, small laughs slipping between her lips.

"Compared to you, yeah," he grumbled and pulled her away from the window display. "What rides do you want to do? Chances are we're gonna be waiting in line for ages so pick a few that you know you wanna do."

Uraraka's gaze flicked back and forth. "Well... we have to do Big Thunder. B-but Space Mountain is also supposed to be amazing! We have to try and do as many as we can! I mean... we probably won't be coming back anytime soon unless we want to visit Deku-kun," she said.

"Hell no," Bakugou scoffed.

She narrowed her eyes. "I thought you might say that. It's... kinda weird that we all came together but... we'll be leaving without him."

"Oi... he chose to study here."

"I know that," Uraraka said, her lips curling into a pout.

Although he wouldn't admit it... it was a little bizarre to imagine Deku being away from everyone. They'd been out of school for a few years now, climbing the ranks as sidekicks, and now... most of them were ready to go solo. However Deku chose to take some time away to study in America. Apparently he'd been in contact with that Melissa Shield girl for quite some time and the two were hoping to better things for heroes in America.

And of course, Deku couldn't just do anything quietly... no he had to leave with a bang. So when he told them, he'd invited practically their whole class to join for a trip to Disneyland. Bakugou hadn't originally wanted to go, but after lots of begging, lots and lots of begging from Uraraka, the one person who actually mattered, Bakugou reluctantly agreed.

And now here they stood, on Main Street in Disneyland, and Bakugou hated it. It was hot and there were far too many people.

But damn if Uraraka didn't love it. She looked far too cute in her Mickey ears, her eyes glistening with happiness and excitement.

Deep down however, Bakugou knew she was worried and sad to be so far away from one of her best friends.

"Ochako-chan!" Mina called, waving a little ways down the street. "Do you wanna ride Space Mountain with me and Eiji-kun!?!"

"Yeah! Well, that decided things," she giggled. "Deku and Melissa and Todoroki and Momo said they would meet us by the castle later for a group photo! Then we should all do Splash Mountain!"

"Whatever you want, Cheeks."

The two girls skipped down Main Street hooking a right into Tomorrowland. The cheesy synth music made Bakugou roll his eyes.

"So..." Kirishima said, nudging him. "You gonna do it tonight?"

"What?" He frowned, unsure he wanted to know the answer to what Kirishima was asking.

"Y'know... ask Uraraka-chan to move in with you!" he hissed quietly.

Bakugou sucked in a long breath of air, letting his teeth scrape across his lips. He had promised himself he would ask her soon, meaning before the end of this trip. He knew she was already feeling a bit lonely, losing one of her close friends, so perhaps them moving forward with their relationship would help.

Or it was far too soon.

Kirishima let out a long sigh. "I know that disgruntled face. You know she's going to say yes and what better place to do it than here. She's obviously having the time of her life."

Of course she would say yes. She wasn't an idiot.

"Mina and I have been living together for almost a year now and we've been dating for less time than you guys."

"Shut it," Bakugou grunted.

"And you know, I overheard the girls talking earlier; if you take a picture in front of the castle at night, it's good luck, so maybe if you ask her there it'll be even better luck for your future-"

"I said shut it, Hair for Brains!" he grumbled, stomping forward.

He didn't want to take a picture in front of the stupid castle. He didn't care about this trip... he just wanted to get it over with.

They made their way to the Space Mountain line and Bakugou wasn't surprised to see the wait was almost 70 minutes. It sounded unpleasant, but no one else was complaining, so Bakugou stood in the line grouchily, letting the girls and Kirishima entertain themselves.

"Katsuki-kun, are we going to wait for the front?" Uraraka asked, leaning against him.

"Wait extra? Why the hell would we do that?" Though he had to admit, once they stepped inside the building, they'd been met with cool air. It was oddly refreshing and Bakugou wasn't sure he was ready to give that up.

"Because apparently the front is the best spot!" Uraraka smiled.

"Ocha-chan, I hate to burst your bubble, but usually the back goes faster," Mina explained.

"But with Space Mountain it's better to be in the front so you can't see anything!"

"Whatever you want, Cheeks," Bakugou muttered as they walked down the split off walkway.

Uraraka told the attendant she wanted the front, and the four of them were pushed to the side to wait for a few extra cars to go by. When it finally got to be their turn, Bakugou let Uraraka into the seat first, sitting down next to her. He pulled his lap bar down and waited for the car to move forward.

"You ready?" Uraraka asked, jiggling her leg nervously up and down.

Bakugou raised his eyebrow. "I am... are you?" he teased.

"O-Of course I am!" she stammered, giving him a shaky thumbs up.

He rolled his eyes and gently slotted his fingers with hers. "I'm here," he muttered.

"I-I know..."

It had been awhile since he'd ridden a roller coaster, and quite frankly none of them were quite like Space Mountain. The second they rounded the first corner, Bakugou was hit in the face with vibrant lights which lined the walls of the chamber. As they climbed the track, they grew closer and closer to the false space, and Uraraka squeezed his hand tight.

"Here we go!" she cheered, a nervous laugh echoing in his ear.

It was a helluva lot darker than Bakugou expected and Uraraka squeaked next to him as the countdown began, the coaster climbing to the top of the track. It turned the corner and zoomed off, Uraraka screaming loudly in his ear. Behind him, he heard Kirishima's girly terrified scream too.

"Oh shit!" he yelled loudly when the coaster turned another corner and began to pick up speed. Damn this thing was fast and it was so fucking dark. He really had been expecting to see a bit more.

His body jerked and turned, a few laughs escaping his lips as he enjoyed the high speed ride. Next to him Uraraka hollered excitedly, enjoying the intense turns.

A light flashed in the bright tunnel as the pulled into the station with a jerk, Bakugou lurching forward, still holding Uraraka's hand.

She pointed with her free fingers. "Pfft... Katsuki-kun, you should see your hair."

Which he did, when they walked to see their picture. His hair looked like someone slicked it back and the others chuckled while Bakugou desperately tried to push it back up. Uraraka looked fucking cute as shit in the picture, even though her eyes were wide, completely taken aback by the bright flash.

"We gotta go meet the group by the castle!" Mina called out, checking her phone.

Uraraka stumbled forward, grabbing onto Bakugou's arm.

"What the hell is this, Cheeks?" he asked, though he didn't like seeing her wobbling about.

"Ngh... I think that made me feel a little woozy. But... I want a picture of all of us," she whined.

"Oi, oi..." he growled. "They're not going to take it without you. Sit down." He placed a hand on her shoulder and forced her to take a seat on the bench.

"That coaster went fast," she muttered.

"You'd think with your quirk you'd be used to feeling nauseous from time to time," he said, and took a seat next to her, rubbing the back of her neck.

"I know," she sighed and leaned against him. "I'm glad we decided to come. On the trip I mean," she said. "It would've been sad to not say goodbye like this."

"I know..."

He knew he should ask her. He could sense the sadness in her voice, despite how happy she'd been the whole damn day.

After a few more deep breaths, she jumped up suddenly and Bakugou blinked. "Okay!" she said. "I want to go take the picture! And if we ride Splash Mountain, that will for sure make me feel better."

Bakugou rolled his eyes. "Listen, if you feel sick speak up, Cheeks! I'll sit with you, you know I don't give a shit about all this crap."

This time, Uraraka rolled her eyes. "You've made that very clear."

She dragged him back towards Main Street, maneuvering through the crowds. She was oddly good at it, especially compared to Bakugou who kept bumping into people.

He felt like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode on the next person who accidentally hit him with their wide-ass strollers.

"Ochako-chan!" A voice cut through the crowd as he saw Ponytail waving frantically to them. She stood in front of the castle with Deku and Melissa, Kirishima and Pinky and of course, that shitty Half and Half. How fucking annoying.

"Momo-chan!" Uraraka giggled, moving to stand with her.

"I got us a few photos from the photographers so we can do a little photo shoot. All the couples can have private photos too, if they want! My treat!" Momo smiled. The last thing Bakugou wanted to do was take a private photo in front of all of them.

Besides... wasn't it better to do it at night? He didn't care enough to argue with her.

"Are you guys having a good day? What have you done so far?" Melissa asked, smiling at her old friends.

"We just did Space Mountain," Kirishima said.

"Mhm... I got a little dizzy," Uraraka admitted, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly.

"Are you okay, Ochako-chan!?" Deku asked, concern flickering across his green eyes.

"We sat down, she's fine," Bakugou hissed.

"O-Oh that's good! Thank you Kacchan," Deku smiled, taking a step back from her.

"What have you guys done?" Uraraka asked, oblivious to Bakugou's frustrations.

"So far, we've done Pirates of the Caribbean and Haunted Mansion," Momo said. "But I still would like to try the Matterhorn, plus we'll all be doing Splash Mountain after this if we want to stick to our schedule."

"Right," Deku nodded, looking determined to keep things as close to said schedule as possible.

The group lined up, standing in front of the sparkling castle. In the light of the setting sun, it looked lovely. Todoroki and Momo were the first to take pictures, followed by Kirishima and Mina. Deku thankfully pulled everyone into a group, helping Bakugou narrowly avoid the couple picture, especially since he had a plan. He did feel a pang of guilt when Uraraka pouted a bit when they were seemingly skipped for the couples picture, but she’d be fine later. Hopefully.

"Say Mickey!" The woman called, and she snapped a few pictures, the group laughing as they did different poses and faces, though Bakugou stood grouchily in the corner next to Uraraka. His face barely made any changes; it just went from grouchy, to outright anger.

"I bet Kacchan didn't even smile, even though we're in the happiest place on earth!" Deku teased, nudging him.

"Oi!" Bakugou snapped, swatting Deku away from him. "You should be fucking thankful I'm even fucking here!"

Uraraka gently pushed at Bakugou's face. "Honestly Deku-kun, we're really happy to be sharing this with you." She smiled gently at her best friend and pulled him into a hug. "We're all going to miss you a lot. Even Katsuki," she smirked.

"Yeah right," Bakugou grumbled.

"Don't worry," Melissa smiled, gently patting Deku's shoulder. "I'll be sure he doesn't do anything stupid."

"Yes! IWe have Meli-chan taking good care of him!" Uraraka giggled.

"T-Taking care of!?" Deku gasped.

"Idiot," Bakugou grunted, rolling his eyes at the moron. Did he really not see how much the blonde girl cared about him?

"Splash Mountain time!" Momo said, pulling out her phone as a small alarm rang.

"Ah, yes, let's head out." Half and Half murmured, following Momo's determined gait. It seemed she had everything mapped out. Bakugou was grateful Uraraka wasn't that insane. He almost felt bad for Half and Half. Almost.

Uraraka slid her arm through Bakugou's and smiled. "We should follow, otherwise we might ruin Momo-chan's schedule."

"Yeah we can't have that," he grumbled, glancing to the side.

The group made their way to the back of the park where the line to the log ride began. The music was absolutely obnoxious, and they looped through the line. Thankfully, it was getting darker and no one wanted to ride the water rides when the sun began to set.

When they made it to the front of the line, they split their group off into two, the Nerd and Blondie and Half and Half and Ponytail, and Bakugou and Uraraka and Kirishima and Pinky. Bakugou bravely sacrificed himself to sit in the front, but really how bad could it fuckin' be?

Or so he thought.

The ride's animatronics were some of the creepiest Bakugou had ever seen, taking them down a few dips and curves past creepy birds, foxes and bunnies. Bakugou didn't even know what fucking movie this was supposed to be.

Suddenly the music shifted, growing darker as the log began to climb.

"This is it!" Uraraka squeaked, wrapping her hands around Bakugou's shoulders.

"Hah!?" he called out, glancing behind him as the log curved over the top of the hill. He glanced down, blinking when he realized how steep the damn drop was.

"What the-" he gasped, screaming as the log dove down under the large plastic thorns, water splashing up into their faces. Behind him, Uraraka screamed the loudest he'd ever heard, but it quickly turned to laughs when they got to the bottom and water washed up over all of them.

"That was so intense!" she giggled. "I'm soaked!"

Bakugou glanced down at his completely wet t-shirt. "Me fuckin' too, what the hell!?"

"What did you expect man!?" Kirishima called out, cackling. The boat gently rocked as it followed the track back to the beginning.

They stepped out, meeting up with the other group in front of them, all of them soaked through. It made Bakugou happy to see they all looking like complete morons.

"Look at Bakugou's face!" Mina teased, pointing at their picture. He was pale, his eyes wide; he honestly looked terrified.

"It was steeper than you expected, huh?" Uraraka giggled, bumping his hip.

"Shut up! It wasn't that fuckin' bad!" he growled.

"Kacchan, you do look scared!"

"You damn nerd!" he hissed.

Before they could continue arguing Mina grabbed Uraraka’s hand. "Let's go dry off!" Mina said as she led them to the bathroom.

Bakugou wrung out the bottom of his shirt. They really should've brought a change of fucking clothes. He glanced around, not wanting to listen to Kirishima and Deku babble on about Disney, especially with Half and Half chiming in.

It was then he saw it. In the window of one of the small shops, stood a small Tinkerbell statue. It was fuckin' perfect, especially after Uraraka had mentioned it earlier.

Now he could definitely ask her.

He stormed over to the store, ignoring Deku when he asked where he was going, and he stepped inside. He lifted the small Tinkerbell off the counter, not caring what the price was. Her green dress and wings sparkled with glitter and behind her were tree branches that propped her up.

Uraraka would eat this shit up and he had to ask her soon before they got caught up in dinner and more rides...

The girls returned and Bakugou decided to make his move.

"C'mon," Bakugou muttered without warning as he grabbed her wrist, dragging her away from the group.

"K-Katsuki! What are you-"

"Shut up and come with me," he grumbled, squeezing her hand.

"I was coming I just... don't understand why we're walking away from everyone and-"

"Oi," he grumbled and Uraraka shut her mouth. "Okay, okay... I'll be quiet."

"Good. We’ll meet up with them in a second," he snorted, dragging her across the bridge back towards the center of the park. The sun was beginning to set and the castle was glowing a gentle blue and purple, sparkles lighting up the spires.

"Are we going back to the castle?" she asked, following eagerly behind Bakugou.

He pulled her directly in front of the castle where various groups of people were taking pictures, though it wasn't as bad as when they had come as a group earlier. "Wait here," he instructed, leaving her standing by herself in front of the castle. He grabbed a photographer, wanting to make sure he got her a nice picture, since this seemed to be so damn important to her earlier.

He turned to face her, ready to join her in front of the castle, but stopped in his tracks when he saw her. The blue and purple illuminated her soft skin and rosy cheeks, and she stood patiently, her hands wrapped in front of her, her skirt flowing in the breeze. It was now or never.

"I thought... you deserved a nice fucking picture," he grumbled, and wrapped his arm around her.

"E-Eh!?"

"It's... good luck to take a picture in front of the castle at night," he grumbled, repeating what he'd heard. "And... it looks the better now, with it lit up and shit." He knew his cheeks were red from how hot his damn face felt.

Uraraka's eyes widened as she stared at him. "You're doing this for me? Taking a picture and everything!?"

"'Course I am dumbass!" he hissed.

He would do fucking anything for her.

Her eyes lit up, glowing with the castle. "Would you do one more thing?"

He narrowed his eyes. "What?"

"Wear this present I bought you?" She smiled coyly, reaching into her backpack, and placed a pair of Mickey ears on his head. They were black, very simple, and he absolutely hated them.

"OI-"

"Just for the picture! Then you can take them off!" she begged, clapping her hands together minus her pinky fingers.

"I fuckin' hate you," he growled, wrapping his arm around her shoulder for the photographer to snap some shots.

He hated there was goddamn evidence of him at this park, wearing these goddamn ears. He turned to face her, letting the woman continue to take her pictures. Cupping Uraraka's cheeks, he pulled her closer, kissing her softly. With the glow of the castle behind them, it really did feel like there was some magical bullshit happening.

He pulled away, keeping his hand around hers.

"I think we got some great ones!" the woman smiled, handing Bakugou a card to pick them up later.

"Thanks," he grumbled and slung his arm around Uraraka, pulling her in for one more kiss. "There's one more thing..."

"One more thing? How else can you spoil me?" she giggled, smiling brightly.

Fuck, he could've spoiled her all day, every day. One look at her smile and he would've given her anything she damn well wanted. Instead, he knew he needed to ask her.

He took a deep breath and pulled out the bag, shoving the gift towards her.

She stumbled, holding on tightly to the bag. "Huh?!" She reached her hand in and pulled out the box with the pictured figure on the front. "Oh... Katsuki..." she breathed, her fingers trailing over the edge as she stared at the picture. "Wasn't she expensive?!"

"Shut up, you know I don't care about that shit," he growled. "If it..." he paused, clearing his throat. "If it makes you happy, it's fucking worth it."

"She's beautiful... I love her... I am very happy." She stepped forward and pressed her lips to his and he wrapped his arms around her waist, leaning his forehead against hers.

"I... I thought you could put her in your new apartment."

Her brow furrowed. "New apartment? But I'm..."

"Yeah... with me," he said, his voice betraying him by actually trembling a bit.

"With you? You mean... us together?"

"Yeah... We could find a place and she can be our first damn decoration."

"Katsuki-kun," she giggled, kissing him once more. "I'd love to..." she said, her brown eyes catching his reds.

"Yeah... I'd love to too..."

"I love you," she whispered against his lips, clutching the small box close to his chest.

"Love you too, Cheeks."

She grinned, wrapping her hand around his. "I know we're supposed to meet up for dinner but... what if we... did one ride just on our own."

"You're the only person I care about spending time with here. We can do whatever you damn well want."

"Good..." she smirked and began to tug his hand towards Frontierland. "Let’s go ride Big Thunder Mountain."

She dragged him through the park, and Bakugou didn't even care that much when a few people bumped into him. He couldn't help but stare at the back of Uraraka's beautiful brown hair. Damn why the hell was this girl so perfect?

Bakugou was pleasantly surprised to see the wait for Big Thunder Mountain was minimal, only about 20 minutes. Even then, it only took them about 15 to get up to the ride as they slid into their seats.

Uraraka bounced up and down. "I'm ready!"

"Yeah, I can see that. Calm down, Cheeks," he chuckled softly to himself. She was like a small kid, eager to experience every aspect of the park.

The roller coaster pulled away from the station and began taking them upwards. "Here we go!" Uraraka squeaked, throwing her hands up into the air as they curved around the first dip.

The coaster dipped and tilted around a corner, Uraraka waving her hands excitedly. The coaster moved slower than Space Mountain, but it was fun, thrilling enough, but Bakugou didn't feel like he was out of control, a feeling he very much appreciated.

As they climbed to the top for a final time, fake TNT blowing all around them, he couldn't help but cheer out in excitement. Thunder Mountain was a damn good ride, and those other idiots were missing out.

The ride curved down one more time until they halted to a stop. "Fuck..." Bakugou sighed happily, slouching in the seat.

"You really liked that one!" Uraraka teased, nudging his side as they stepped out of the car.

Bakugou shrugged as casually as he could. "It was alright."

"Think we could sneak-in one more ride in? This was the shortest line," Uraraka smirked.

"I like the way you think," he teased, leaning down to kiss her, before they dashed back into the line.

They climbed into the seat, pulling down the lap bar and Uraraka shot her hands up. "It's the WILDEST ride in the wilderness!" she cheered.

Fuck why was she so cute!? She even did a stupid poses while she called out the tagline.

He loved her so fucking much.

It was always a wild ride, and that was why she made Bakugou so damn happy. With her, everywhere was the happiest place on earth.

Sugar IX

tagged:  @itamenher @mundane-cup-noodles @hoe-for-kylo  @rebeccamaximoff

Sugar Masterlist

Summary: You’re just a girl who wants to have fun(d$) and live life and not have to worry about the stupid galactic war. Even though you are a school teacher for the Resistance, it doesn’t hurt to be a little bad sometimes.

“ It's Your Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To”

Leia asked to see me in her office to discuss something about Bunhead or whatever. I walked to the office and the door slid open. Tentatively, I walked into see a holovid playing on her desk. I know I shouldn’t be looking at something so personal but, curiosity got the best of me. Moving closer, I could make out a child, a little boy to be exact. I could hear the high pitch yells of the exuberant tike; moving closer I saw he had wild black curls and large ears and beautiful big eyes, and I realized, it was him. I could feel my heart swell at the sight of him so young, so innocent, so carefree, so… happy. A clearing of the throat caused me to jump and see the General. “General,” I nodded and so did she. She quickly turned off the video and put it away. Before Leia could speak, I asked “Is that him? Is that your son?” Silence filled the room as she looked at the draw that hid the holovid. “He’s really cute.” Didn’t matter if it was pr esent or past tense, because it was true. “Do you miss him?” I asked. I was entering dangerous territories; speaking about him was off limits. “I do.” Those brown eyes seemed to glaze over. “Is it his birthday?” She was taken aback by this. “I-I don’t mean to cross the line, it’s just, around this time you always get so closed off.” I told her. There was more silence before I spoke, definitely feeling like I was about to cross the line. “You shouldn’t feel ashamed for loving him.’’ I guess this was also me talking to myself. “He is your son and you know him better than all of us.” Her eyes seemed to light up at my words. “He was a very curious child, liked adventures, always getting into trouble.” She spoke with a smile and I couldn’t help but wear one as well. Soon the meeting was long forgotten as she continued to speak about him.

The more I heard of his childhood, the more I yearned for something more. “I think you and Ben would’ve gotten along very well.” With wide eyes I stared at her with a breath caught in my throat. “Oh, thank you.” I mumbled strangely. What could I say, we actually did get along well. “Of course, I’m pretty sure there would’ve been trouble; I could see him bothering you while you taught the kids, like his father; you making him break Jedi code and both of you running off to some planet somewhere.” No lie, I was offended that she thought I would be trouble. If she only knew it was him causing all of that. She chuckled lightly, “I wish that was the case, he’s just a few years older than you, he’ll be thirty-” “HE’S THIRTY!” I yelled. I cleared my throat. “Sorry,” It was just I knew he was older than me, but I didn’t think more than five years. But, I guess seven years wasn’t too terrible. I mean only when I think about awkward pre-teen me and a probably gorgeous teen like him; I cringed just thinking about it. “Well, do you do anything for his birthday?” I asked. “It’s too bittersweet to reminisce about someone that’s everyone’s enemy.” She gave me a small smile. “He’s not my enemy.” It was true, I was just a teacher, never went on the field or crossed Kylo, well in that way. “Maybe, I know that I’ve been overstepping the lines today, but maybe we could do something that represents the true Ben Solo, not Kylo Ren.” I said. Tears welled in her brown eyes and I could see the similarities in Kylo and Leia. “I’d like that very much, Y/N.” Leia said.

Thirty was a big deal and I know he wasn’t my boyfriend or anything like that, but I felt the need to do something. I just didn’t know what. I couldn’t ask his mother, it was too awkward and I still wasn’t really talking to Kat, which made our living arrangements very uneasy. Transportation wise, I sought out to the First Order spies. The good thing was that his birthday wasn’t until weeks later so it gave me enough time to think of an idea. And I did! I mean, I couldn’t afford much so it wasn’t as grand as the trips he took me on, but it was quaint and intimate. It was a dwarf planet in a little town called Stowe and it was said to be great for couples who wanted to get away. I paced back and forth in the suite; it had a kitchen and living area and a large bed with large windows and the bathroom was pretty nice as well. The theme was wood I’m guessing since it was a lodge, but it was beautiful and everyone was so nice. Looking at everyone here, they were older than the both of us, but closer to him. I chuckled, I should get the old jokes up before he arrived. I heard the door open to reveal the old geezer. “Geezer?” He asked with furrowed brows. A wide smile spread on my face as I ran engulfing him in a tight hug. His thick arms wrapped around my waist pulling me close to him. He pulled back and his brown eyes scanned my face. It was so hard to keep my composure together with everything I had planned. His eyes glistened as he held a steady lock with mine. He wanted to say something, I know he did because so did I. “Let’s take a walk!” I beamed up at him.

We walked hand in hand, swinging, down the main street. I looked up and bit back a smile. I remember how he never wanted to be out in public for the sake of identity, but he slowly began to warm up to it and now here he was holding my hand and pointing out things and suggesting what we should do. All I could do was smile and nod like the love sick puppy I am. We were standing on the corner of a street when thunder roared above us. We looked up as droplets began to fall heavily on our faces. I grabbed his hand to run back to the hotel, but it was like pulling at a brick wall. Kylo stood there with his raven hair stuck to his face, pulling me back towards him. “What are you doing?!” I exclaimed. His large hand fell to the small of my back while the other one found my hand. He began to move me in the middle of the street, moving back and forth. “A-Are you dancing? Are we dancing in the rain?” I asked feeling my clothes get heavier. Little hums left his lips; “And you’re singing too? You’re enjoying this too much!” I laughed and a hearty laugh erupted from his throat. His head fell back with a wide smile exposing his dimples. So, in the name of love and his birthday, I decided to indulge this.

Making it back to the lodge was basically like fighting against the rain. Once in the suite, we removed our wet clothes and traded them for the large white plush robes. “You look cute like that.” I pulled my knees closer to me as I looked to see Kylo in his robes and a towel wrapped around his head like me. “Thanks that means a lot from someone as stylish as you.” He sat on the bed beside me. I couldn’t help but just stare at him, internally bouncing off the walls. “What?” He asked me. I shook my head, before delving under the bed. When I returned he gave me a quizzical look before I was shoving the black box decorated with Vader stickers in his face with the craziest smile. His brows furrowed as he cautiously accepted. Slowly, he opened it, eyes scanning the item. “What is this for?” He asked. “Happy Birthday!” I smiled, I was too excited to even take in his confused state. “Is it real?” He asked. Is it real? I was taken aback. “Of course it is! Weren’t you the one who gave me that talk about fake jewelry.” I scooted closer to see the gold chain. An amused huff emitted from him. “What?” I asked. “It’s just funny that you used the money I gave you to buy me a gift on a day you assumed was my birthday.” He chuckled lightly. But there was nothing funny about that.

“Um...I didn’t, I used my money.” I said. “And you expect me to believe that?” Why the fuck he was being so rude. “Yes, because I’m trying to be nice for your birthday.” My voice started to rise. “No one said it was my birthday.” He shook his head. The palm of my hands flew to my eyes as I growled; he was being so horrible. “BECAUSE IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY, YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME HERSELF!” I walked away and I could see this newfound information had him caught in a daze. “SHE TOLD ME IT WAS YOUR FUCKING BIRTHDAY AND I DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING NICE AND GET YOU A NICE SUITE AND A NICE GIFT WITH MY FUCKING MONEY, WHICH NOW I’M PRETTY SURE THE BANK WILL CLOSE MY ACCOUNT NOW BECAUSE IT’S SO DAMN LOW, FOR SOMEONE AS UNGRATEFUL AS YOU BECAUSE I FUCKING L-” The word almost escaped my lips, but instead I muffled a screamed and went to slam the bedroom door only for it to not budge. I turned to look at Kylo who sat on the bed. “Let go!” I yelled at him. “No,” He said with no emotion which made me worse. I continued to tug at the door that wouldn’t budge. “That’s not fucking fair!” I whined feeling tears brim my eyes. This vacation was horrible and was giving me a reason to actually hate Kylo Ren. He seemed to have heard that thought because his hold on the door stopped as I swung it shut, stumbling back. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! I thought loudly. I was too angry to pull out the couch or even get a blanket. With arms crossed and a scowl, I flopped down on the couch doing the one thing my father said never to do: go to sleep angry. Because that’s how you get sick.

I didn’t know how long I was out there, but not long enough to actually fall asleep. Especially since I’ve been grumbling the whole time about things I should’ve said and making up fake scenarios. I heard the door open and continued to keep my angry stare at the wall ahead of me. “Y/N,” His deep voice called out. “Y/N, I know you’re awake.” I still didn’t answer. “Y/N come to bed.” “No.” I said sternly. I heard him take a deep breath. “I’m not going to let you sleep out here all night, so you either go yourself or I’ll make you.” I rolled my eyes, did he think I was one of his little stormtroopers? I got up and walked inside, noticing the gold chain that adorned his neck. “You don’t have to wear it.” I rolled my eyes again; Kylo was on my heels as I walked to the far side of the bed. “I want to.” He spoke softly. I nestled under the covers ignoring him. He sighed before slipping under as well. “Did you really talk to her?” He asked. I looked over my shoulder to see him staring at the ceiling. I reached over for my datapad unlocking it. “Every year around this time, she acts so weird; she’s short with everyone and zones out and secludes herself. I caught her watching a holo of you and I tried to just be there for her and that’s how I found out about your birthday.” I told him honestly. “She told me how when you were younger you used to hang these gold dice on your neck so you can look like your Uncle Lando.” I bit back a laugh, focusing on finding what i wanted to show him. “And how much you loved calligraphy, which makes sense with your notes, and reading; so I thought that she could have something to remember you by.”

I handed him the datapad and his dark eyes studied the picture. “The Ben Organa-Skywalker Solo Literature Scholarship.’’ He read. “You should’ve seen how much I had to go through just to use the name, so we say BOSS.” I chuckled, remembering the almost physical altercation that almost unfolded. He began to swipe, seeing pictures of children ranging in ages, with bright, hopeful smiles. “The money that YOU gave me went to this. All these kids know is war and I don’t think it’s fair for them to not have a choice to do what they love or experience life. Granted I ended up being a teacher at the Resistance, I received a scholarship to college and I was able to meet amazing people and create so many experiences and learn so much. And I just thought it’s the least I could do to help them to think that there is more than just war for them.” I shrugged. Kylo didn’t speak as he continued to look at the pictures. He then stopped at a picture of Leia and I, which I forgot was there. The pads of his fingers brushed over his mother’s face. He had no expression as he continued to just look over at the picture. It was weird, him with such detachment as his mother looked up with a smile. He placed the datapad down and turn wrapping his arm around me. His lips grazed my forehead as he spoke, “You make everyone so happy.” I looked up at him; I wanted to ask him so bad if this included him, but his eyes were shut tightly, tears squished between his lashes. So I opted to press a kiss to his shoulder and placed my head under his chin.

I felt lips and hands press against my face. My name being called caused me to stir; I moved closer to Kylo only to feel him to push back. Then before I knew it I felt cold piercing stings against my body. I opened my eyes to see the shower pouring down on me and Kylo just watching. “WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!” I tried to yell, but my voice couldn’t break above a whisper. “You have a fever.” He said over the water. In the mirror behind him, I could see myself looking like a wild loth-cat. I moved to turn off the water but my muscles felt weak, so Kylo did it instead and wrapped me in a large robe; scooping me up he placed me on the bed looking over me with worried eyes. A large hand smacked down on my forehead. “Ow,” I barely made out. My head was pounding and supposedly hot, but I was freezing. “You need medicine.” He quickly left the room leaving me to let sleep evade me once again. That was until he came back to wake me up again. “Does your throat hurt?” I nodded. “What else?” He asked. And I pointed to the various pained points. “The woman at the desk said this should be fine.” He poured the dark-colored medicine on the spoon. The smell hit my nose and had me rolling away from him. A firm grip was placed on my shoulder to stop me. “I don’t want too,” I whined, my voice not even breaking the sound barrier. But he didn’t listen and was shoving the nasty liquid in my mouth. My eyes widened as it hit my tongue, to make matters worse I couldn’t swallow. My throat refused to let anything go down, so I began to choke and coughed it out landing it all on the sheets and on him. With heavy lids, I slowly peered up at him to see him frozen with disgust. Tears burned down my fevered cheeks. Too embarrassed, tired, and in pain, I slid back down under the covers. Kylo sighed, cleaning himself up.

I floated in and out of consciousness throughout the night. There were a mumble of voices from people I didn’t know and then him. When I opened my eyes, I could make out the warm chocolate eyes looking at me filled with sadness and the gentle feeling on my left hand; patterns being brushed against my skin that would cause me to fall back into my relaxation state. I wasn’t fully aware to what was happening until I felt myself moving. I felt his grip loosen on my hand and grabbed harder. “No,” I cried out softly. All movement stopped as his lips pressed gently against my ear. “Y/N, you’re sick. You need a doctor, you need to go back home.” Kylo whispered. “No,” I felt the cooling tears slide down my cheeks. “Y/N please,” He begged. “No, I don’t want you to go. Don’t leave me.” My voice strained. His hand that was entangled with mine began to tremble. “I’m sorry, but I can’t go with you, you know that.” He said, finally removing his hand from mine. “I love you.” Was the last thing I heard, but I wasn’t sure if he said it or it was my imagination, but I said it back anyway even if I was the only person that could hear it.

Outside POV

When Poe heard you were being emitted to the medbay the first thing he did was call Kat back from her assignment. The next thing he did was rush off to get you a large bouquet of flowers. Making his way to the medbay he saw a fellow pilot nod and go on his way. This said pilot wasn’t really liked by Poe. Something about him just rubbed him the wrong way. But all those thoughts went out the door when he saw you lying in the bed hooked up to all those machines. A nurse passing by cooed at the sight of Poe; everyone knew of his infatuation for you and well you, everyone just thought you were just a headstrong girl who needed convincing that love wasn’t that bad. Poe placed the flowers on your bedside and looked down at you with a pout. He gently brushed the free strand behind your ear careful not to stir you. His hand moved to gently brush against yours only for him to see something strange. His brows furrowed as he plucked the white paper from underneath the cover. He shouldn’t be snooping around your stuff, but the Darth Vader sticker caught him by surprise. He remembered the uproar from everyone when they caught you handing out these stickers to their kids. He chuckled thinking about all the trouble you caused. Slowly he peeled the sticker back and read the neatly written letter:

Little One,

I hope all is well. Hopefully by the time you receive this, you’ll be awake. I forgot to pack your datapad so letters will be our only form of communication. I’ve asked one of them to let me know of your health status. I don’t know what happened, but you scared me and no matter what I did, you weren’t getting better. It truly hurt my heart to let you go and to see you cry when we had to separate, because I care for you more than I should. What I’m trying to say to you Y/N is that I love you. I love you so much, it wakes me up in the morning and lulls me to sleep at night. Your love carries me throughout battle to make sure of a safe return. I should’ve told you truthfully when you first came, but there was something about you that I just couldn’t let go. Y/N I’m so in love with you, I don’t know what to do, I was so scared of telling you, I don’t want to lose you.

It was signed ‘B.O.’ which caught Poe off-guard. At the moment he couldn’t recall anyone he knew with the initials pertaining such letters. All he could think about was Ben Solo and how hard you fought to use his name for the scholarship you started. But he shook his head; Kylo Ren, in love, with you? You, talking to Kylo Ren? Where would you even meet him? You were just a teacher! His thoughts were cut short from the whimpers that left your lips. Slipping the note in his back pocket, he sat on your bedside. “Hey Y/N, how are you feeling?” You looked at him with furrowed brows and then at the colorful flower arrangement to your left. “Those are for you.” Poe pointed out. “And I contacted Kat telling her to come back.” Both of his hands engulfed your left one and he watched your (y/e/c) eyes study him. “Thank you.” You croaked. “No problem. If you need anything just call me.” Poe pressed a kiss to your knuckles and watched your lips part with a mix of emotion in your eyes. This had hope filling up within him. He sent you one last smile before leaving to find out who was B.O.

Survey #206

“have you ever wished for death and prayed all night for your last breath?”

Do you always read the book before you see a movie based on a book? No. When you’re out with friends, do they ever encourage you to spend money you should be saving? 1.) I don't hang out w/ anyone now, 2.) but even when I did, they all knew I didn't make money. Is there anything you’re trying to save up money for? What? Perpetually tattoos, I want a PS4 super badly to play a novel of games I've been dying to play (SotC and Spyro trilogy remaster, I'm @ing you so hard), I need a car soon as I plan to at least try and get my license in the near future, I'd love to always have enough to immediately go to Sara's in case of an emergency, a trip to South Africa... but those are gonna take a good while to complete. I have my priorities straight for when I get a job. Have you ever watched a movie you didn’t really want to see just because a friend asked you to? Yeah. Did you end up liking the movie, anyway? There's been many cases of the above situation, so I'm sure in some instances I have. Heard any great songs for the first time lately? What songs? Hmmm, quite a number. "Radio" by Rammstein is great, and I love "bury a friend" and "bad guy" by Billie Eilish. What is your favorite urban legend? m o t h m a n and the joysey devil. Probably top two. GAH I love so many though????????????? Like Skinwalkers?????????????? And WENDIGOS????????? Have you seen all the cool shit?????????????? Do you remember the last nightmare you had? What was it? No, thankfully. Have you ever hopped on any bandwagons? HAHA. Freshman year, high school... I "liked" screamo or alternative-type bands I'd barely ever listened to or even enjoyed to fit in with the emos aldkjfalkwejr. Are you an elitist (even a little bit) when it comes to anything? What? Definitely not a complete one, but I can get pretty annoyed if in WoW we're in a heroic dungeon and people don't know the mechanics you should have already learned + read new ones that're right there in the goddamn journal laksdjfaoweir and then some people just totally ignore your advice and alskdjfwleiruwqoeif x2. Then again I've been that confused asshole in a couple raiding situations BUT LOOK they're harder and I had too much to catch up on okay. Still no excuse by WHATEVER. Have elitists on a fansite ever intimidated or talked down to you? I don't believe so. Is there anything you swear you will never do again? A few things with certainty. How late do you usually stay awake? I can literally go to bed as early as 7 to as late as 11 or rarely later. I do NOT have a schedule. Started months ago, and at first it frustrated and stressed me out quite a bit, but by now, I've just accepted it for me. Do you have pets? If so, how did you choose their names? Teddy: sister named him, but I'm sure it was the "cute as a teddy bear" type thing; Bentley: no clue; Roman: it sounded majestic, cats are majestic; Venus: pretty, and her coloration is similar to the planet; Kaiju: totally badass for an iguana that's gonna grow to be a big 'ole scaly boy; and Mitsu: I had a theme of giving my rats cutesy "M" names. Do you ever buy special treats for your pets? Occasionally. Is just being fond of something enough, or does it take more than that to be a ‘real fan’? Did a middle school student write this? If you're pretty fond of something, there you go, you're a fan. Sure, some are more intense, but that doesn't make the more casual ones not "real." What type of fabric is most comfortable for clothing? Idk, I don't pay attention. If you wear one – bras with or without a wire? Christ, without. If you wear one – are you able to find cute bras in your size? HA. No. It is RARE I'll find a cute one, and that's always only online. Make pretty ones for plus-sized women a normal find, jfc. Idk why, but I am very picky with bras. Like good fucking luck seeing me without a shirt, so like,,,, why do I bother????? What length do you like your shorts to be? UM you will NOT see me in SHORTS. Have you ever cut off jeans or other pants and made them into shorts? Perhaps Mom has when I was a kid? But I have no memory of this ever happening. Have you cut the sleeves out of T-shirts to make tank tops? I don't think so. Have you ever modified a piece of clothing and hated how it turned out? ^ What was the last disappointing movie you saw? Ah jeez, what's the last time I even watched one. Idk. What was the last disappointing book you read? And I haven't read a book in even longer. Is there anything you’re really excited about? JOB. OPPORTUNITIES. Do you ever watch compilation videos? Of what? Vines, like shit dude. I can go on massive binges. What was the last thing you rolled your eyes about? I don't recall. What would you consider the greatest song ever recorded? Why? Yeesh, that's a big thing to decide. I recently discovered "A Reason to Fight" by Disturbed though, and it is. Incredible. Just read the lyrics to refresh my mind, and yeah, goosebumps. Do you like Hellboy? If so, do you prefer the old movies or the new one? Never seen any. Favorite Disney character who isn’t royalty? Dory, probably. But man, there's too many to choose from. Last thing you purchased just for fun? *shrugs* Do you even like behind-the-scenes stuff or does it ruin the magic for you? IF I'm real into the product, I love that stuff!! I've seen like every little BTS Silent Hill thing there is, probably, multiple hours' worth. What is your favorite thing about Mac computers? They're small and lightweight. What is your favorite thing about PCs? They generally hold much more memory. What are some errands you need to run soon? I don't have "errands" yet. Have your parents ever tried to convince people there was something wrong with you, when their “diagnosis” wasn’t accurate? No. List 3 of your best memories, times you wish you could go back and repeat. In no order, just as they come to me: 1.) First hug with Sara when we met at the airport; 2.) THE LOOK ON SARA'S FACE when she saw me in her room on her birthday (probably fave memory of all time, actually); 3.) seeing meerkats for the first time at the zoo. Ohhhh or maybe the true realization I was happy without Jason. But idk, that was SUCH a gradual process where I didn't feel ecstasy in like one moment. What color was your high school graduation gown? Ew, it was this obnoxious red. The majority apparently voted for it, while I was on the navy team. Are your parents’ dreams for your life different than your own? Mom's pretty dead-set on me being a vet, but she doesn't try to push me into it or anything. I know she just wants happiness for me. I haven't got a clue about Dad. Have your dreams for your life changed? Of course. What are your dreams now? HAPPY, stable job that I thoroughly enjoy, well-off financially (I don't aim to be rich, just "safe," you could say), healthy marriage, own my own home, travel to a few places, did y'all think I was gonna forget "meet Mark???"... stuff like that. What was your dream as a child? It changed plenty of times, but my earliest goal was to be a paleontologist. Do you feel safe in your country? Sure, I guess. Safer than most places. If applicable, do you feel safe at your school? N/A Would you ever want to learn sign language? It'd be cool, sure, but it's not something I'm interested in pursuing. How many meals do you eat a day? 2-3. Sometimes just one "real" meal. Do you own any succulents? No. What color are your walls? A hideous puke green. Why. What color were the walls in the bedroom you grew up in? I don't remember at all. What was the last song you listened to on repeat? "Love Falls" by HELLYEAH. What is your favorite style (or styles) of dance? Modern. Have you ever performed a solo dance in front of a crowd? No. Have you ever sung a solo? No. Which insects are you afraid of? Most, really. Do you think it’s silly to be afraid of an insect, when it’s so tiny? It depends on the insect, of course. Even if I do know what it is and it's "safe," I'll still typically freak if it surprises me. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? Hmmm. Sara, I believe? What are you waiting for? Jesus FUCKING Christ on a bike a job. What do you usually feel like doing the most at home? Stuff on the laptop. What grade were you in when you had your first crush? I don't remember... For "puppy dog love," I believe maybe the 4th grade, but I may be wrong. I'd say my first *real* crush was on a guy named Sebastian in my freshman year of high school. Shit man, did a lot go down my freshman year. I'm just reminiscing and crushes jumped between like five dudes 'til Jason won. At what age did you start experiencing sexual attraction, if any? Some time in middle school, I think? Like that's when I had my first bisexuality crisis: 6th or 7th grade. Have you ever split open a rock with a hammer, to see the glitter inside? No, but FUCK I WANNA. What type of tree do you see the most of where you live? There's a pine tree outside my window. Oh, and there's a pine tree in my back yard. Oh, what's that across the road? Woods of pine trees. Where do all birds in NC live? In pine trees. What does our air smell like? Pine trees. Where is your favorite place you’ve lived? My previous home as far as location; house itself, where I am now. It's got its issues, but it's cozy and a perfect size for just two people. What states have you lived in? Just 'ole North Carolina. Take me awaaaaaaaaaaaay- Do you wish you were someone else? Sometimes. What is your favorite thing about the month in which it is now? Literally just flowers. That's it. It. Everything else can suck a legion of dicks. Who were your best friends in high school? Hannia, Girt, Jason (if he counts), Alon, Maria... I had a few "best" ones. ^Are they still your best friends now? Girt is my closest thing to a "best friend" if you don't include my girlfriend. Do you live near the mountains? No, they're on the opposite end of the state. ;___; Do you live near a beach? We're like, two-ish hours away. What is your favorite beach that you’ve been to? Idk and idc, beaches aren't my thing. Do you collect seashells? Not seriously, but I'll keep a cool one if I find one. If you were to start a new collection, what would it be? If I was not ashamed of looking like a 23-y/o pre-teen in love with Just Bieber, I'd have more Markiplier merch than you'd fucking believe. (One of my biggest regrets in life was not buying the tasteful nudes calendar; I will eternally smite myself for being too embarrassed to have to explain why I would have that hanging above my bed rip.) If you had to pick one year and describe it as the best year of your life that you want to relive again, which year would it be? 2017 was fuckin litty titty. Is your world view the same as your parents’? In some ways with Mom, and I do know Dad and I differ on a few things. Well, if I learned more about his more political beliefs, I feel I'd probably disagree with most. What color are your glasses, if applicable? Black. Are you the person you thought you’d be when you were younger? No. Are you a confrontational person, or the peacekeeper? I'm a massive peacekeeper. I avoid confrontation like the PLAGUE. Do you like to read? Not nearly as much as I used to. Like all I ever read nowadays are RP posts as I obviously have to reply to them, but if they're long, it is common I procrastinate on reading it... ;_; Do you sleep too much or not enough? Probably too much, especially when I go to bed early. Although, I do wake up throughout the night and sometimes officially pretty early. Then some days I have a 1-2 hour nap, so that just adds to it. Who is your best friend? Sara. <3 How did you two meet? YouTube. How did you meet your current bf/gf? ^ How far away is your closest family member? Well I live with my mom, but she's at work atm. The last time you did something with BOTH of your parents was? BOY OH FUCKING BOY. My mom's the most bitter witch towards him, so even for family events, Dad usually only stops by to avoid creating a goddamn wreck, such as at birthday dinners. I think the last time they were in the same house was for my nephew's birthday half a year ago, I believe. What’s your favorite holiday? Halloween!!! Now that I have a niece and nephew who grasp the concept of Santa, Christmas is also really special to me. I don't want kids, but watching those sweethearts get so excited over their presents is magical. For me personally, the holiday has grown more and more about celebrating family, especially as we continue to branch out/go our own ways. So I guess I like the idea of Halloween better and would enjoy it more if I actually had something to do, but as far as joy goes, Christmas. Do you like pumpkin pie? I hate anything and everything pumpkin-flavored. The last time you went to the doctor, what were you there for? It was the see my psychiatrist. Do you take any medication regularly? Yeah. Is there any particular view you have on insane people? I see "insane" versus "sane" as far more of a gradient shift instead of a direct split; there're levels. I actually do legitimately think I at some juncture in the aftermath of the breakup qualified as slightly insane, yet I wasn't dangerous or entirely out of touch with reality. So if you tell me someone's actually insane, I'm going to fear them being the explosive, entirely unpredictable and loopy kind, but I know the person may be calm and somewhat stable on the outside, too. You gotta consider the severity. Do you believe in any conspiracies? 9/11 was orchestrated by the government and you cannot change my mind. I'm not totally sold on this one and lean more towards "nah" (I think), but the "we live in a simulation by a future civilization" is not that far-fetched at all if you actually look into it. It's very interesting, whether or not you're sold on it. Hell, Neil deGrasse Tyson firmly believes in it. Out of your friends, who is the funniest? Girt makes me laugh at the snap of his fingers, it seems. Anything you need to get rid of? I'm sure somewhere... Do you have any wasted talents? Animal knowledge and compassion, probably... I know I could make a fantastic rehabilitator for animals, among a plethora of other animal-related preservation and protection actions I could actively engage in. Well, I'm going back to school for zoology, but even now, I want to do more. There is a wildlife rehab place I may be able to volunteer at soon, tho! Mom's talking to a guy at work about me helping there. DAMN, livin a dream. Do you let the little things get to you? The issue could be as small as a single cell and it could still bother me. How often do you cry? Maybe once in a week, possibly longer. I don't know if you mean like really cry or just tear up/lightly cry. The latter is pretty common, but the other, not so much. Even if I want to cry, my jaw just entirely locks the hell up and I physically can't get it out. Is there anything you’re trying to prevent? I mean besides the common sense things everyone takes action to avoid, hm. I feel like there's so much, yet nothing is coming to me? Well, actually, it's usually a daily struggle to prevent at least one OCD cycle. When was the last time you were told you were cute? *shrug* When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life? It's been quite a while... At least over a year ago, when I began to get antsy with wanting a job and later going back to school. It just all started when I realized I was healed from the breakup and ready to move forward in life, but I wasn't. Do you miss the way things used to be between you and someone else? Multiple people. What colors has your hair been? Dirty blonde, brown, red, and purple. I've had red and purple highlights, and I naturally have blondish ones, too. I'm ready to dye it again, jfc. Most attempts are failures because my hair does NOT take color well whatsoever. It's only ever worked perfectly with the brand Splat, and my hair soaked in the dye for a LONG time before washing it out. Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette? No. Do you and your parents like any of the same bands/singers? We share interest in plenty of the same bands, Mom especially. Is there any food in your bedroom? What? No. Do you know anyone who has road rage? Who? MY LITTLE SISTER. Haven't seen the woman in three years, but I can promise you Jason's mom still has it to a legendary degree. How expensive is too expensive for a pair of shoes? I haven't looked for shoes in so long that I don't even know the average price. What kinds of cereal are in the cupboard? Honey Nut Cheerios, normal Cheerios I think, and we have a little bit of the chocolate chunk Special K cereal left over. It's got to be stale by now (it's not even closed fully); I need to remember to toss it. What’s the last thing you spent over $10 on? Ummm I'm not sure. Over $30? I think my tongue piercing was $40? Maybe even lower? Or slightly higher?? I don't remember. Do you know who lives three houses down from you? I think so. The one time I was locked out of my house in the snow with Teddy and I waited like a fucking hour until I broke down, absolutely freezing (I was in my pajamas, dude), and walked down the road to try and get help (I needed to call my mom, obviously, and I didn't have my phone), I believe it was the third neighbor who answered. Turned out being a retired deputy who was super intimidating yet kind at the same time; he let Teddy and me stay in his house (mind you, Teddy is incontinent and didn't have his diaper on, which I warned him about) while Mom was on her way home. He gave me a jacket and some water, even when I said I was fine, but you could tell he wasn't totally sure about trusting this random, sobbing girl at his door because he asked me a thousand questions about my story and quizzed if I really did live in this area. Obviously a good cop, but after a day like that, I was just terrified of an old man who appeared a bit gruff. But thankfully Mom got there to save the day and I am forever grateful for that guy. WOW what a story for a simple question. Is there a bulletin board in your room? No. Is your mom a big health freak or your dad? Or neither? "Health freak" seems a bit extreme for both of them, but Mom is more concerned about health in general. Do you know anyone who wants to be the president one day? No. What kinds of chips are in the cupboards? We just have tortilla chips, I think. I try to keep snacks out of the house to avoid temptation, and who eats plain tortilla chips. Do you have your mom's or dad's hair? Mom's. What’s the first thing you see when you walk into your bedroom? Most would probably notice my Nightmare Before Christmas poster first, being as big as it is and on the wall opposite the entrance. Do you prefer the truth, even if it’s harsh? YES. I NEED to know this kinda stuff, even if the truth is really hard to hear. Do you have any friends who have naturally red hair? I don't think so. Have you ever cried when a teacher retired? I think I did when my very first band teacher did. EVERYONE loved him. Like, the entire school. Does your kitchen look like it was designed in a completely different decade? No? When’s the last time you wore heels? Great question. Probably not since my sister's wedding in '16. Do you have your mom’s or dad’s eyes? My grampa's on Mom's side. What’s the best date movie? Probably a rom com? Have your parents ever been out of the country? No. How many pairs of jeans, all together, are in your house? Zero. Do you swear and yell while playing video games? I'll swear under my breath or seethe in frustration, but I never yell. Is there any alcohol in the fridge? No. Has a best friend ever ditched you for a girlfriend/boyfriend? Pretty much. Whenever she starts dating a guy, she dips, and whenever/if ever we talk, she rambles absolutely endlessly about him. Do you know anyone who has grossly skinny eyebrows? I couldn't possibly care less about how your eyebrows look. Do your pets chase after bugs? Roman and Bentley sure do. Bentley is a Professional Fly Moncher, specifically. When’s the last time you were so excited you couldn’t sleep? Why? Uhhh good question. Probs the night before Sara got here for my b-day. What is your mom’s favorite movie? Hm, good question! I'd ask her, but I don't want her to ask me why I am lmao. What TV family reminds you of your own family? Probably none. Did you ever really believe that the stork brought babies? No. I don't remember what I thought, but I know it wasn't that. Do you have any relatives who really spoil you? No, I think? Well Dad gives my sisters and me way too much money for Christmas and always tells us to ask him if we need anything, but I pretty much never ask him for said things, so I don't know the extent he'd go. Are there any drawers in your house that are just filled with junk? Pretty much. Is the last person you spoke to in love? That's my mom, so I doubt that with all I know. Do you know anyone who has security cameras in their house? I don't believe so. What was the last movie to make you cry? I think the last was Coco. Moana may have made me tear up, but I can't remember... Has anyone you know ever pulled the fire alarm in school, joking around? Not to my memory. What time do you usually go to sleep at sleepovers, if ever? I haven't been to a sleepover in God knows how long. Who was the main character in the last book you read? Alice Liddell. Who are the last people you saw kiss? Via YouTube, Jeffree and his boyfriend. Irl, I don't know. Have you ever posted a fan fiction on a website? No. Do you ever fantasize about your future wedding? Who’s the bride/groom? Not very much. Like I've had brief daydreams about it, sure, but it's not something that's on my mind a lot. Still got a long time before that happens. What was the last unpleasant thing to wake you up? My cat not knowing how to keep his mouth shut. Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Stars. Well, it depends; stars if we're in a completely isolated area where you can see them crystal clear or the clouds are boring, but otherwise, clouds if their design and colors are cool. Do you have any relatives who are expecting a baby really soon? No. Do you ever wonder what the opposite sex do at sleepovers? No. When you get married, who will be the maid of honor/best man? My mom, no questions asked. When’s the last time you broke plans? Why? I wasn't feeling well. I was supposed to see my VR coach that day. Have you ever been in a wedding? What were you? Yes, my sister's. I was a bridesmaid. It was an absolutely awful experience because I was hot as fuck, it was triggering as HELL with me still grieving Jason, and I felt positively hideous in a dress when I was at such a horrible weight. I wish so dearly I could redo that day; I fell like I put a serious damper on my sister's big day. Would you feel safer with an alarm system or security cameras? Hm, depends on the scenario... I guess an alarm system? Like security cameras will show a murderer climbing through my window, but they're not gonna wake me up to save my ass. Does it matter to you what kind of shampoo you use? So long it smells nice, isn't watery, and doesn't only add oil to my hair, I don't care much. Has a stray dog ever tried to bite you? No. When riding a bus, do you prefer to sit in front, in the back, or in the middle? Hm... idk. When I took the bus home with Jason, we always sat in the back, and that's really the only time I took a bus regularly. I think otherwise, I'd prefer the middle, closer to the front? I think I usually did that on occasions like band competitions and such. Have you ever been on a cross-country train ride? No. Are you normally a person to tell people off? No, that's rare. Is there any TV show that ended that you wish hadn’t? Meerkat Manor. Though I would hope they'd lessen down on the false story-telling. Stick to the true KMP events. When you feel stressed, do you take things out on the wrong people? Sometimes. Do you even wear any jeans other than skinny anymore? I don't wear jeans period. What did you talk about at lunch today with your friends? N/A Are you sensitive to caffeine? Definitely not. My system's too used to it, probably. How do you usually get around? Mom drives me. I'm 23. :^) Which languages do you wish you could speak fluently in? German. Have you ever been accused of being too clingy? SURPRISINGLY no, at least to my memory. Do you like Vitamin Water? Never tried, don't want to. What was the last thing you took a picture of? Dad and me on his birthday. Do you know anyone that uses Sprint as their phone carrier? Idk. Well, I think. When you go to McDonalds, what drink do you usually get? Coke. Do you have a Kindle or iPad or neither? Neither. Would you rather read or write? Write. When was the last time someone took a picture of you? Sometime during Bobby's visit literally days ago. I already forgot who took it... and who else was in it lmao. Do you own a pair of slippers? Yeah, two. A meerkat pair and then a far less extra pair that're closer to socks. I think they have cats on them? I got them for Christmas I think and haven't worn or seen them much. Would you rather see Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood in concert? Not a fan of either, but Carrie Underwood is more tolerable and even has a couple songs I enjoy. Name something negative that you hate about yourself: I'll jump to a conclusion within .02 seconds of something negative happening. Or not even "negative" or something that's purely in my head. Is your house currently hot, cold or just right? The house itself is fine, and my room is just right because I have my fan on. Is there a Dead End road near where you live? I can't think of one off the top of my head, but it's likely, really. There's lots of those here. Growing up, did you see your cousins often? No. We live many states away on both parents' sides. Where was your first job at? GameStop. Who are you tired of seeing in the news a lot? (Celebrities) It's been like two days and I'm over seeing the James Charles/Tati drama everywhere. You can't be interested in the YouTube community without being drowned in that shit right now somehow someway on any YT-coverage page and YouTube itself. Have you ever had to call and complain about a product you bought? I personally haven't. Would you date someone who’s shorter than you? I very openly and severely judge you if fucking height means that much to you. Do you mind being the third wheel? Not really, no. I'd only feel uncomfortable if they were getting pretty intimate. Has a kiss ever made you weak in the knees? Um I didn't know that was actually a thing so no. Do you feel comfortable buying condoms? Never been in that position. Have you ever dated two people at once? No. Have you ever been tested for STDs? No. Well wait, that time I gave blood I probably was just out of safety protocol. Have you ever run into your ex with his/her new sweetie? No. Have you ever felt guilty after doing something sexual? When I was in that "wait does this break the abstinence rule" phase, yeah. God was I technical. Have you ever had a condom break during sex? N/A Do your parents know if you’re having sex? Well considering I'm with a girl and she lives states away, that answer's obvious. Do you eat chips or crackers more? Chips. Would you rather be a singer or a dancer? A dancer. Would you rather be a musician or a painter? A painter, maybe? If I could play the electric guitar, though... idk. What social media sites do you visit the most? Facebook. What did you hair look like in high school? Long, thick as fuck, brown (or dyed black) with some sort of highlight, and it was split to the left with the hair swooped over my right eye. Basically "I want the emo swoop but my hair is too fucking thick to obey hairspray." :^) Which dollar store do you shop at? Depends on what's closest, usually. We rarely ever stop at one unless it's for candy to bring into the movie theater, seriously lol. I think usually Dollar General? Do you prefer candy corn or conversation hearts? WE DON'T KNOW EITHER. Skeletons or scarecrows? s k e l l y b o y s Has anyone ever given you the silent treatment? Yep. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever had in your mouth? I learned on that day I hate giving blowjobs. Has anyone ever threatened you with a knife? No, thankfully. (If you’re a girl) Has anyone ever called you ‘shortie’ instead of girl? BOY I would fucking cackle. I hate that word. No. Do you ever watch The Simpsons? No. Have you ever sent an embarrassing moment of yours into a mag to be printed? OH MY GOD I remember that!!! But no. What IS your most embarrassing moment? Too lazy to go through the novel of 'em to pick the worst. Do you think you’re more cute or sexy? You assume I find myself either. Do you own any mini skirts? I don't own any skirts period. Do you draw little hearts and stuff with eyeliner next to your eyes? No. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever lost? Idk. Has your mom ever lied to you? I'm sure she has before. Do you have a deep voice? For a girl, yeah. When’s the last time someone made breakfast for you? *shrugs* Exclusively for me, probably never. Do you do something new with your hair practically every day? No, it's the same everyday. When someone knocks on the door, who do you think it is? Delivery guy. Has anyone ever licked your foot? Ew no. Do you play games with boys/girls, like ‘hard to get’? I'm not 15. Has a guy ever quoted a romantic Shakespeare line to you? No, and I'm glad, as I'd cringe into another realm. Is there a Sonic where you live? Yes, I LIVE- Do you smile with your teeth? Usually. I look less high, at least. What did you eat for lunch today? A pb&j. What do you like on your pizza? Pepperoni, jalapenos, or meat lovers. What is in the back seat of your car right now? I don't own a personal car. Mom has a a load of stuff in the back of hers, at least I think... That's super rare, but she's been so ungodly busy idk if she's had time to clean it out. I haven't paid attention so can't recall. What was the last thing you threw up? Idr. Menthol or regular cigarettes? I don't smoke and never have, so idk. What is your favorite episode of Friends? I don't watch it, and I haven't seen many episodes at all if for whatever reason I was in a room and it was on. Does anyone have any blackmail on you? No. Have you been to a strip club? No. What’s the last sporting event you watched? Hell if I remember. It had to either be my 16th birthday when Jason's family was all together watching the Super Bowl, or a hockey game with my dad. Last person’s house you were in? Besides my own, my sister's. Who is the last person you sent a message to on Facebook? Nicole. Ever go to camp? No. Were you an honor roll student in school? Yeah. Do you have a tan? HA no. How old do you want to be when you have kids? I don't want kids. Are you someone’s best friend? Yeah. Favorite gemstone? Dragon's breath opal. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Drive thru, almost always. Does your first memory involve your dad? No. When was the last time you went swimming? Last summer at the beach. Holy fuck the water was so perfect. Has your luggage ever gotten lost? No. Have you ever thought it would be cool to smash a guitar? No. Like... just why. Do you ever get flu shots? No.

Chapter 2. aka, Adele 25 therapy

what are tumblrs for if not for ridiculous oversharing and creeping into people’s lives you have no business being in, right? 

disclaimer: it’s a saturday night, 11:45pm to be exact, and i’m 4 hours deep into listening to Adele’s 25 album on repeat. i’ve also micro-dosed. or maybe regular dosed, depends who you ask. For all intents and purposes here, I’m calling it a micro because i very much have a grip even if my trusty wall tapestry is doing pretty things, and I had a very clear intention diving in. 

the tl;dr is that this 25-year old’s solo post-break up trip is a fucking cleanse and this is the vibe I’m fully on right now:

lol so, how did we get there: 

well waking up from last night’s binge smoking, gaming & sugar session (which was honestly much needed - shout out to the peeps who were there for that) didn’t feel the hottest, obviously. but crushed that shit with more sleep and getting back into jillian michaels* in my living room and eating a healthy lunch and whatnot. 

*side note: i’m sure she’s made millions already, but in this era with all the IG fitness models and influencers out there i still think jillian michaels is queen and underrated. 20 mins of jumping around and flailing weights, guided by her via TV is literally all i need to be like woh bitch i’m back. haha. 

now: you know how there are just those random people in your life that perhaps weren’t around all that long or maybe they had an impact on you that you only realized later? or maybe you just never shared with them how much they meant to you, because you didn’t even know. so there are a couple of those i’m going to bring up here (no names). 

starting with one - a friend from my NYC juice bar days, we spent many a wintery days and hours cooped up in that tiny shop kicking ass honestly with grade A difficult customers. she was one of my favorites to work with - so fun to laugh, with gossip with, just share a space with. i have so many fond memories of night shifts there, snow falling outside the windows. people coming in for smoothies at 10:45pm making us wonder what the fuck? 

she was stunning, tall, beautiful effortless skin and bone structure and all that, she just glowed. she was always lifting up other girls around her while shaming herself. i get it, that’s just what we do, that’s what I do. but fact is she was a straight 12/10 no question. anyways, we lost touch. we all know how that whole restaurant went down in sad flames with our owner locked up at rikers (if you don’t know of the psycho saga via vogue’s coverage, and want to hear a first-hand account, that’s for another day, it’s honestly a fun one to tell). so all the people in my life from the restaurant, who were what felt like home to me in NY, kind of faded out with time.

anyways, she’s one of those people for me that still pops into mind from time to time and i just wonder what she’s up to and miss her. so today in my idle morning of moping around, she popped into mind and a quick social media search led me to find her humble page and podcast she’s just recently started - and i ended up listening to a couple episodes because, lord knows i’m a podcast nerd. but i had a chance to hear her story and how much i didn’t know of her background when we were friends back then, and what a light she still was to those around her was pretty amazing.  she did say that her time in nyc was a bit of a blur that’s hard to remember because she was struggling at the time. it hurts my heart to know that, but at the same time i definitely can relate. generally i’d say living in nyc, as a student or not, can feel very isolating and while i have a lot of very vivid memories and recollections, a lot of that time is also a blur for me now the more distance i get from it. 

anyways, so kind of reflecting on all that this afternoon while mozy-ing around in bed was one part of today’s journey. one bit that was also huge was hearing her talk about her overeating/binge & restrictive eating disorder during that time, which is something i’ve tried to vocalize to my friends and family and even doctor but generally isn’t taken all that seriously. when in fact these habits i haven’t addressed are probably the most crucial detriment to my health. it turns out there’s such a thing as overeaters-anonymous. like AA but for people with compulsive eating problems. that’s 100% me, so this was a HUGE discovery today for me that something like this exists. i’m not going to say i’ll walk straight into a meeting this second, but i’m definitely interested. as carly whose lived with me for the last 3 years could easily tell you better than anyone else, i have a hell of a fucking problem and i don’t even know if i understand it fully myself.

part 2:

coincidentally, around mid day I happened to get a text from an old NY roommate, someone I hadn’t heard from in over a year probably, so it was pretty out of the blue. I always perceived her to be like an older sister figure, a funny lady from Malaysia with a heavy accent and a strong attitude, doing her best to fit into American culture, dating apps, heavy into the astrology shit, and all. Anyways, she hit me up because she was concerned she couldn’t find me on social media anymore (quickly resolved) and she mentioned that she enjoyed seeing my DIY stuff on IG stories and that it was serving as inspiration for some future business she’s been envisioning once she gets out of corporate life in Pittsburgh, PA. It was all endearing and sweet. i have heard from friends before that my IG could be turned into something more if i wanted to, but i’ve never had the heart to put more structure to things that just feel like natural parts of me that i want to remain free, if that makes sense. but it’s still nice to know that out there somewhere in pennsylvania the random things i do in my kitchen and share into the IG ether can serve as a little inspo for a roommate from 5 years ago. also it was just a nice reminder to self that in the same way i have these people i admire and root for and wonder about from a distance, maybe there’s room for me to be someone like that for somebody else i’ve crossed paths with. that makes me happy. 

So, part 3: hello, Adele.

i haven’t been shy about admitting the last couple months have been a struggle for me. basically since turning 25. even leading up to the big number, all year really i’d been kind of dreading what this age meant. it just feels like it’s gotta be messy whether i want it to be or not. considering every prior year has been a positive & fairly steady uphill climb, i figured at some point i’d have to pause/break/falter. don’t ask me why, age has always been something i’m glued to. (it’s funny because i don’t own a clock, the one watch i have is tucked into my wedding planner e-kit and only comes out on those days. given my job title and being a virgo and all, time has oddly never been a day to-day concern for me. (those who know me know i am never on time for anything, sorry) but i’ve always been hyper concerned about my age and the expectations (self imposed, inescapable) that come looming with it*. so birthday season usually is just a very introspective time every year where i evaluate where i’m at, the progress i’ve made, what’s holding me back, what i’m proud of, what i’m not proud of. 

*quick side story, the person i’ve dated all year always would say our age difference was nothing. but that statement always irked me because it’s far from the truth. every year 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 i’ve felt i’ve learned exponentially about myself and grown. so yeah, there’s a HUGE difference, emotionally/self-awareness, all that, between 22 and 25 if you ask me. like bless my early 20′s for being stoned fun & shit, but girl’s been putting in work too ya know?

anyways, back on track: come time for my birthday this year i didn’t really want to think too hard about it and just wanted to have fun, and i did! it was definitely one of the more fun/eventful birthdays i can recall. 

but now, 2 months post-birthday, fresh off of a break up, I’m beginning to see more clearly why I pushed all that usual introspective evaluation under the rug. essentially it’s what i’ve done all year, pretending 22 - 25 is nothing, and that all the work i’d done to get here was whatever. i’d taken steps back self-esteem wise, kind of let my work fall by the wayside just as something to do and not something i was excited about (which is more my norm), and i realize i wasnt being present in the right ways to friendships that mean the most to me. All in favor of some shiny beacon of excitement, being sucked into this vortex of conditional relationships*  and “fun” where i frankly just had no place being.

*linked there ^ is a stellar article, when you’re ready for it

THANK GOD FOR MY FRIENDS. seriously i don’t say this enough. I have been FREAKING BLESSED by the people who choose to be in my life. like fuck yo i know it’s FACT i have not been the most pleasant to be around or hear from this year but the true ones persisted and showed me love when I needed it most, were there for me constantly through all the thick of it and still are. like those calls every day just to chat about what the fuck ever, those random “i’m thinking of you’s” and “let’s hangs” mean so much to me in my isolated world of working from home and just being a general homebody type. let me just promise to all of you once i’m out of this present messiness, that I’ll be back on track. i’ve hated being that girl, i’ve heard myself, and i’ve hated it. so while I’ve been kind of MIA morphing into something i haven’t been proud of, thank you to every single friend who’s reminded me there was still something here worthy of your time and your energy and your attention.

*now, much less saving me, I get to start showing up for you guys better too. 

i’ve explained this to close friends before who have experienced it with me - psychedelics are one of my favorite ways to get a grip on my life. of course, i understand their role in fun experiences too, but i’ve always valued it first and foremost as a powerful mind-opening tool. (so naturally, i adore michael pollan’s latest book “how to change your mind”.) when i’m feeling overwhelmed or at a crossroads or muddled, i’ve found it to be the most affective way for me to tune into myself, see things with a fresh perspective, and commit to the choices i need to. 

so having been on a fucking ride with these breakup emotions, knee deep in self-pity, not knowing what to make of the past year, past month, past week, & where i’m at... i was like, 

why the fuck not?

just what i needed on a night to myself to give my soul a fucking cleanse. it’s a convenient weekend to have the house all to myself. read: a good place to be singing at the top of my lungs haha and doing whatever the fuck my single ass wishes all night. somehow along the way, i managed to cook up a pretty A+ tikka masala sauce and prepped a brussel sprouts salad for a dinner with friends tomorrow night, don’t ask me how. i’ve had a spiritual fucking connection to every single song on this Adele 25 album, obviously. idk why it hadn’t occurred to me until doing this that i’m now 25 listening to this album :) so all of this is to say:

Thank you, Adele.

for being a girl i can identify with who marks progress with age, unabashedly tunes into her emotions, and provides breakup comfort like no other. even though i refused to listen to this album until like a year ago

(also can we just take a moment to appreciate that Adele posted this on her own IG profile)

Thanks to those who aren’t necessarily at the frontlines of my life, but have a place in my heart, whether you know it or not, and bring forth some amazing shit or tune in at the right times.

Thank you, most sincerely, to each and every one of my friends that I won’t name here. 

Close and far, you’re the ones pulling me out of a drudge of a year where I lost myself and you’re reminding me what I love to do and who I am and it feels good to get a footing again. 

~ ciao, finally @ 1:43am.

p.s. below is THE picture of what i’ve been like for the last couple weeks ~ can always count on a new girl reference to have my back heheh

*we can also mark this as the night where i FINALLY get over my weird thing about not liking “Hello.” That shit’s a fucking masterpiece who was i to say anything otherwise hahaha

While Waiting

(A Short Story by LaGuan R Rodgers)

I never liked when my stepfather would drive me to school. It wasn’t because I was embarrassed by his car; the ’87 Pontiac got us where we needed to be and then some. It was more so how I found him to be weak. He let my mom rule him, and somehow I thought his frayed machismo might find my skin like a plotting ointment. I found myself studying the sky for planes from that backseat window, most of all trying to guess exactly where a given hunk of traveling metal and its passengers were off to. I’m pretty sure my guesses were always confined to the states, as the geography of thinking beyond and what places fit where would get lost just around the time Sean’s car would halt and I’d shuffle to homeroom.

“Can I get you anything else, maestro?” my waiter asks. For the past twenty minutes or so, I’ve been slowly sipping a black coffee and picking at this dry blueberry muffin, waiting for Gianna to arrive. I’m not buying anything else. She is lucky I agreed to come to this damn diner. The parking is so so and some of our most memorable arguments happened in the booths here. Whoever made the menu goes skimp on the omelet and there’s something I don’t trust about their maple syrup like a station with gas prices lower than nearby spots.

“Thanks, buddy, but no I’m ok,” I reply. The waiter has pillows under his eyes, not the glaring hangover or mid-term up all night weights, but somewhat noticeable, especially by another night owl. He has yet to declare his name, and I haven’t cared to ask. I study his veiny hands, and though his short fingernails are without dirt, I suspect he still lets a family member cut his hair. And who the hell is maestro, anyway? I put my head down to tear at the muffin and shift my cup, yet he stays in the same spot. I’m hoping it doesn’t come to the inevitable. The stage where I have to get in his tired face and let him know I’m not with that sugary stuff.

“Their uniforms do nothing for me,” he says.

“I’m sorry, what?” I ask.

“The Trail Blazers’ uniforms,” he answers, pointing up to the flat screen positioned in the corner. A replay of last night’s game versus Oklahoma City is playing with the volume off.

“Red and black work together, but ugh, they can do better with those bending lines that take up most of the jersey. It’s all too…too…too…I don’t know, but once I think of something better, I should reach out to their people.”

Gianna told me the owner of Swan Street is originally from Portland, and the dude has yet to come to grips he is more than 2,600 miles from home. The pennants and postcards on the wall scream of everything Oregon and his Left Coast Is the Best Coast pie is a hit here in WNY. She made me try it the night we first hooked up. I didn’t like it, but I said I did.  

“I’m a fashion student at Buff State,” the waiter points out.

Oh, wow, that’s what’s up,” is my reply. I give him a look as if to ask why isn’t he serving other people, yet it’s mid-morning and empty, and the rush from the Larkin Building across the street won’t come about until lunch hour.

“Where do you go?”

“Oh, I’m not in school, right now.”

“Guy, I feel you. It’s not for everybody. When you think about it, they’re just teaching us how to make someone else money. Fashion is the closest thing to independence if you ask me. But I hear there’s a big need for the trades nowadays because all of the dinosaurs our grandparents used to call in the Yellow Pages are retiring, and few young folks are stepping into those jobs, you know.”

“Good point,” I say with a shrug. I forgot to put on my Timex, so I’m starting to stare at the spot where the tan line on my wrist will eventually be. Doing odd landscaping gigs two or three times a week every summer will do that. Gianna has been sending me e-mails of jobs here and there. I’ve filled out a few applications online, yet there’s something discouraging about completing questionnaires where you can’t tell the truth. Where the hell is she? For the past six months, we’ve been doing the distance thing after she moved to Albany for some job in a big library. I can’t remember all the details, but she’s happy and spends less time knitting uneven sweaters for her yorkie and sending me recipes off Pinterest she knows I’ll never make on my own. Today is supposed to be the day we decide.

“Coming!” the waiter whose name is Jackson shouts. I now know this little useless tidbit because a male voice from the kitchen yelled his name while I was staring out the window. Three tulips stand at attention from the flower bed that needs just as much attention as the blueberry muffin ingredients. She must think I have all day.

The entrance door swings open. A toddler boy wearing overalls wobbles over the threshold. His mouth already has stains of juice, and he wants no assistance from his parents who give off this que sera, sera vibe. The man and woman scan the room, and locate me in their tripod scope of discovery, only to flash grins at me before muttering some baby gibberish to the little one, as he has already rung the front counter bell enough to awaken something in the basement of a day failing to officially start.

Hey, fine folks, how are you?” Jackson asks the newest patrons, sort of doing some half-hearted skip to the front. “As you can see we are jam packed, but I’m sure we can find something cozy and comfortable for ya.” Everybody laughs, except the tike and I.

“Oh no…no…no, Brady,” the mother says, smiling once she realizes her little person is running toward my booth. She is too late. He grabs the second menu from the table, and waves it wildly like my grandmother sometimes does with those usher appointed fans during stuffy marathon church services.

“You eat,” is what I make out from the boy. “Him eat, right?”

“I’m so sorry,” the mother says. “He’s a traveler.”

I look at the father who just shakes his head, as if there is more he wishes he could tell me over a Cuban and some bourbon.  

By now, the mother comes over to my booth and ushers away her little explorer by the arm.  

“Him eat, right?” continues the boy. “Him do it…”

“Yes, honey,” says his mom. “Go to Daddy.”

“This is why I hate going too many places in a day,” the father says in a tone somewhere between madness and unbridled surrender.

“It’s fine,” the mother says. “It really is ok.”

“Well, let’s get you guys seated,” Jackson breaks in, mustering up a manufactured smile he’s most likely perfected in the back kitchen or voguing outside one of his textile classes.

I look at the clock on the wall behind the front counter, and spread some butter on the muffin.

  When Gianna moved into her upstairs apartment on Claremont Ave. with her two girlfriends, I helped them. Being her boyfriend, I knew such heavier things would fall to me. We found a way to defy trigonometry, stubbornly bending half painted corners with used furniture and appliances. She is the organized type of XX and that day the Eisenhower in her began to bloom. She elected to drive the U-Haul with Jamie and Allison, as I was content to drive my own car and meet them at the new place. My commander of a woman backed the truck on to the lawn, got out and handed her troupe instructions and goals written on loose-leaf. I put the paper in my back pocket, and just grabbed labeled boxes. The first few trips, I placed them where they needed to be, the carefully taped cardboard containing shampoo, tampons, and razors found their home in the bathroom. Maybe it was because no one else’s boyfriends showed up until I was a sweat stained version of former self, or the way Gianna stood in the downstairs doorway with frustration when her full proof battle maps left no margin for things falling apart or how the summer rain would slap our efforts then back pedal into some distant pocket on the other side of town before I could adequately curse it, but I found myself unashamedly putting boxes in rooms where they didn’t belong. We later ate pizza and drank bottled water on the floor, a collegiate picnic of sorts. Both boyfriends whose names I dismissed looked as if they struggled to please any woman, and their talk of IPAs and invites to join a softball league only made my decision to leave more justifiable. “Oh, before you go, lover, can you help me hang these?” Gianna asked me, as she opened a box marked CLOCKS in black sharpie. It wasn’t her handwriting, and as her and I went room to room hanging ticking numbers with power drill and the dull need to be alone, the thought of that stayed long after I left.

 “Hey, Ian,” Gianna says. She leans over and kisses both of my cheeks before sitting down.

“When did you come in? I didn’t even see you.”

“I’m a love ninja,” she declares. “I move in silence.”

“Well, Ms. Storm Shadow, are you having your usual? There’s a new waiter working, and he is full of life.”

“Be nice, lover.”

“What makes you think I’m not.”

“I know you.”

“Do you, really?”

“I’d like to think I know if the man I love is being an asshole or not.”

I still hear the ongoing jabber of my toddler friend from the other side of the diner, and once Jackson discovers I am no longer solo, he darts towards the action.

“You didn’t tell me you were waiting on a lovely guest, my guy,” Jackson shrieks. “Exciting.”

“Good morning,” Gianna says. “Is it still morning? No…wait…it’s technically morning? Sorry my brain is in every county of the state today.”

“No worries, I understand,” Jackson replies. “It’s finals time, and I’m the same way. I’m living the dream, though. Stress and all.”

“If it isn’t too much trouble, I think I’ll try something new today.”

“You have to get our new red velvet pancakes,” our waiter urges. “To die for!”

“Hmmm, should I?” She calls my name, but I’m staring at little Brady who is biting his straw and too curious to be held at bay by whatever routine conversation his parents may be conducting.

“Ian?”

‘What’s up, GiGi?” I snap back onstage, knowing the second time she calls me is the important one of the two. I shrug and simply say it’s spring.

“I am a horrible server,” Jackson says. “I didn’t start by asking you what you wanted to drink. I’m so caught up in the vibe of you two chirping birds.” Gianna orders the pancakes and asks for orange juice to come when the food arrives.

“Are we going to do this?” she asks.

“I’m prepared either way,” I say.

“That’s not the right answer. It’s been three months.”

“But how are you feeling?” I ask, picking out blueberries I can find in the torn pieces of muffin.

“Ok, I guess,” she says. “I still get sick, and the new clothes fit now.”

I want to bring up something about how I’ve applied to the latest jobs she’s sent me, but I close my eyes and try to take it in every molecule of air in the building.

“What time do you have to be back tonight?” I ask.

“I don’t. I already called in sick for tomorrow.”

“Go easy, you’re going to need those days later down the road.”

“So you’re saying you do want this, right?”

“I want to keep you happy and occupied.”

I turn at the waist and find the tulips outside the window. I wish I could pick all three and the curtain would close.

“And here you go,” Jackson declares with a smile, waiting for immediate approval. “I present delicious pancakes, your juice and our in-house maple syrup.”

“It looks amazing,” Gianna says.

“Is there anything else I can get you?” It’s as if Jackson wishes he were the stack of crimson flapjacks with a melting cube of butter atop.

“We’ve got all the bases covered for now,” she says. With fork and knife in hand, the woman I met at a farmer’s market four summers ago, puts a piece of pancake to my mouth. I submit to her honor, and chew slowly so I can really give her the truth of it all.

“What do you think?”

“They’re actually really good,” I admit.

She takes a bite and her eyes become big with unexpected glee.

“Boy, you better get one more taste because I can’t promise I’ll save anything else.”

“Go ahead,” I say. “It’s all you. You need it for strength. After all…you know…”

“You act like it’s some sort of plague, Ian.”

“No, I don’t. It’s just…”

“It’s just what?”

“A lot.”

“No shit, man,” she says, now with a tear bubbling by the corner of her eye nearest the window.

“We can make it work.”

“Do you really want it to?”

“I’m here.”

“Have you even thought of names?”

“Of course, I have.” Really I haven’t, and now would be a fantastic time for Jackson to save the scene.

“Have you told your mom?” she asks, still eating.

“Yeah, she knows.”

“What are her thoughts?”

“You know my mom, GiGi.”

“I don’t want to play games.”

“I see no ball or joystick.”

“Answer a question for once in your life,” she shouts. By now, the tears have bullied the breakwall and run southward to a place I have little to no access to. It’s one of those classic embarrassing moments when I sense all eyes are upon us, yet I have no hard evidence to support it other than the intuition that comes from past battlefields still ripe with blood. The Larkin Building traffic infiltrates what was an empty place of business.

“My mother told me to be a man,” I say.

Gianna stares at me for awhile before she finishes the plate of pancakes, only leaving streaks of red mingled with the sappy sauce that is the Oregonian’s special recipe. Without as much time to devote to us any longer, our waiter gives me the check and says he hopes to see us soon. I tell him thank you and good luck with his exams before I make my way to the front counter where there is now a female waitress at the register.

“It seems you made a friend,” Brady’s mom says. “He hasn’t stopped talking about the man who eats by himself.” The family of three prepares to leave the diner, a precautionary measure on the part of the husband and father who doesn’t want to cause a scene I suspect.

“Maybe I’ll see you in this joint sometime soon, little man,” I say to Brady. “Be good for your mommy and daddy.”

I foot the bill and tip, and wait for Gianna to come from the bathroom. I know she will want to take a walk and possibly talk more on what is a pleasant afternoon in early May. Once again, I’m looking out the window where I see Brady and his parents walking to their car. The father has little patience, and if it wasn’t for his wife, who knows where that car would go. She is the reason her child gets away with picking one of the tulips I’ve been staring at all morning. That little boy doesn’t have to take unnecessary long walks. If anything, I am sure he fixates on passing airplanes.  

As someone who has travelled more to Asia and North America, I was quite naive about the city of Berlin. But, I was travelling around Europe and figured I’d work out what the German capital had to offer when I arrived. I actually thought it was more exciting that way, rather than building up expectations of what it would be like.

Honestly, I was expecting a more cliché German experience… people walking the streets in their Lederhosen, currywurst on every corner and streets lined with old timber-styled houses… oh, and some of the ‘Wall’. Let’s just say, I was right about the wall.

It turns out that it has an alternative, underground and very modern side to it – so it was far from what I expected. So, based on my trip to Germany’s capital, I’ve put together some of my best tips and advice on what I think you need to know before you visit Berlin.

Berlin is a dynamic and modern city, so it may not be what you expect. 

When’s the best time to visit Berlin?

I visited Berlin in July, their summer, where temperatures range between 20-24° on most days – perfect weather if you ask me. Warmer weather means packing lighter and I find it’s more comfortable to spend time outside in. The upside to travelling in the cooler months is that there are fewer lines, but I personally love the European summer – plus, it’s a great escape from our Australian winter.

Europe in summer is a great time to visit, as you don’t have to take us much gear with you. 

How to choose a hotel in Berlin

I always book accommodation based on the hop on/ hop off bus route and if there is a supermarket or a convenience store close by. As a mostly solo traveller, this helps me feel comfortable that I’m in a fairly populated area where I can get my bearings about the city easily. Plus, it’s a great bonus to grab meals and snacks (if need be) from the supermarket.

Arriving at my hotel, I was very impressed. The hotel I booked, located in Mitte, was a luxurious hotel complete with an indoor pool and spa services. This hotel was the most affordable accommodation I stayed in Europe actually and I had stayed in less comfortable places, including a hostel for a higher cost. And, it had air conditioning!

Logging onto the free WI-FI in my room, I worked out pretty quickly that Checkpoint Charlie is the must-see landmark in Berlin – fortunately, it was only one train ride away.

A great tip is to pick a hotel where there are stores nearby.

Transport in Berlin

After finding my way to the train station or otherwise known as the S-Bahn, and working out which platform to stand at, I purchased a daily ticket on my way to CheckPoint Charlie from the ticket machine with euros (coins).

This type of ticket can be also be used on the U-Bahn, buses, trams and ferries too, as much as you like for the day. It’s also quite affordable at just €7.70 Euros max (less if you’re travelling to fewer zones around the city).

Public transport is a great and affordable way to see the city.

A daily ticket is valid up until 3 am on the day you purchase it, which means you can go a few hours past midnight if you’re out late. If you’re not sure about your travels, one-way tickets are available for less and children under 14 years get it cheaper. More info can be found here.

The one thing to remember with transport in Berlin is that you must validate your ticket. In my case, this was a separate machine on the platform (not on the train).

Ticket purchasing is not as strictly monitored in Berlin as in New York or London, so unless you want to take the risk and travel without a ticket, or get caught with one that hasn’t been validated, you may be sprung with a fine from an officer on board.

Make sure that you always validate your ticket, so you don’t get caught out with a fine!

Checkpoint Charlie

Leaving the train station, it was just a hop, skip and an intersection away to Checkpoint Charlie. If you have no idea what this place is about (like how I felt) as a brief idea, it was the best-known crossing point between East and West Germany during the Cold War.

Today, Checkpoint Charlie has actors dressing up in fake uniforms of the traditional border guards to represent what the checkpoint would have been like back in the day. With multiple souvenir shops, a Checkpoint Charlie museum, and a McDonalds close by, it’s now a focal point in Berlin for tourists.

Stopping in for a cheeseburger, I watched out the window at people getting their photos taken. It’s one way to think of Checkpoint Charlie these days as an entertaining way to learn about the history of the wall, which I must say I was sucked into at first. However, on the flip side, realistically this place was a cold and heavily guarded area laden with sharp barbed wire. A lot of people lost their lives here trying to escape, which makes you think twice when you are there.

Checkpoint Charlie is a point of historical significance during the Cold War. 

Travelling around Berlin

Next up, I stepped onto a Hop On Hop Off Bus (City Circle Sightseeing), which at this particular stop took me along the yellow line (the East line), while the purple line (the West line) was a few more stops away to get onto. There are multiple sightseeing buses in Berlin to choose from, which you can buy tickets for from the bus stop or souvenir shops close by.

Most cities will normally have one main centre but because of the wall dividing the city, it can be assumed that there are three in Berlin (one each originally for the East and West and one established after the wall collapse). But, by the end of my stay, I had discovered there were in fact 6 districts all offering a unique experience about the city.

I could easily get a feel for Berlin by hopping on one of the circle sightseeing buses. 

For the rest of the day and over the next few of my stay, my perception of Berlin changed immensely. My assumption of Berlin was that it would be an old worldly German town. But I discovered that it really is an extremely modern international city – especially because it was mostly redeveloped after World War II.

If you’re thinking about travelling to Berlin and are overwhelmed with all there is to experience, here are some of my tips to help you work out what you might like to do (and not do).

Things to do and places to visit

The Berlin Wall – The East Side Gallery

Don’t expect to see a lot of the Berlin wall when you’re there. There are pieces that are still standing – especially at the Berlin Wall Memorial along Bernauer Strasse. There’s a small piece close to Checkpoint Charlie and at the East Side Gallery which has a chunk of the wall now consisting of post-wall collapse painted murals along it.

There are only a few chunks of the wall remaining around Berlin. This is because not long after the announcement that the wall could come down, Berliners chipped and chiselled pieces of concrete away themselves – they weren’t waiting another minute to stay divided!

You can buy broken down remains of the wall from souvenir shops in different sizes and markings on them. These pieces aren’t cheap but they do come with confirmation that they are a certified piece of the original wall. There is talk that this ‘concrete evidence’ isn’t legit though (excuse the pun), but if you are a collector, a piece still represents this tragic time in German history.

A small section of the Berlin wall can be found near Checkpoint Charlie. 

Memorials

There are stacks of memorials around the city you can visit, particularly on museum island. I was a bit overwhelmed with the choice, but I did visit a panoramic creation showing the two sides of Berlin in the 80s. Although simple, I found it captivating and very emotional. You can learn more about it here.

Do expect to be disoriented at the Holocaust memorial. It was controversially designed that way by the architect to resemble a disconnect from human life. It can be described as a massive concrete graveyard. Although the tombs are nameless, this giant installation is still a sacred place so do keep being respectful in mind here.

Take note of the buildings around the city that were bombed during World War II, like the damage on Berlin’s most famous landmark – the Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church. Still standing after being bombed in 1943, it has been left as is to represent the destruction of war and as a symbol of Berlin’s determination to rebuild.

Remaining sections of the Berlin Wall is definitely a must-see when you’re visiting.

Flea market at Mauerpark

I really enjoyed visiting the markets on a Sunday at the Mauerpark flea market. It’s a great place to soak up the sunshine, eat foods from around the globe, shop for anything from jewellery to music records to kitchen appliances while listening to the buskers performing different kinds of music.

Check out the flea market at Mauerpark.

The Brandenburg Gate

The Brandenburg is one of the most iconic monuments in Berlin, and in Germany in general. It has a lot of historical significance dating back to the 18th Century and most recently is seen as a symbol of peace and unity in Germany and Europe. I didn’t get the chance to visit it when I was there, but you might want to check it out if it interests you.

The Brandenburg Gate is a big tourist destination. Image by Welcome to Berlin.

What else do you need to know about visiting Berlin?

Tips for the airport in Berlin

Always check your flight before you leave for the airport, particularly if you are using the free WI-Fi as my flight was cancelled on the way to the airport. I was able to organise another flight when I arrived but had to wait around for hours. Apparently, flight cancellations are quite common in Berlin.

Also, don’t forget to check which airport you’re flying into and out of. There are two of them, so this is very important, especially if you are planning your public transport journey around them.

When travelling to Berlin, double check which airport you’ll be flying in and out of. 

Do I need to learn German for my visit?

You can expect that a lot of younger people (roughly under 35 years) speak English fairly well because it was a huge focus in school. But, I’d recommend learning some German, such as basic greetings and other conversational phrases to help you along. It shows a lot of respect for the culture.

Is Berlin an affordable city to visit?

The whole city really is actually quite affordable. I found public transport, food and accommodation were all very reasonably priced which isn’t what I expected. However, the exception here would be the souvenir shops, as they were still quite pricey!

Considering it’s in Europe, you would be surprised to know that Berlin isn’t very expensive. 

Shopping in Berlin

If you’re only there for a short period of time and you want to do some shopping then KaDeWe is a great place to start. This is a huge department store located on a major shopping street called Tauentzienstraße. This is near the centre of the former West Berlin.

Also, if like me you like to grab a few things from the supermarket to save some cash eating out – just know that supermarket operators won’t pack your bags for you. They often rush everything across the line so be prepared to pack quickly, particularly if it’s busy. Stores close earlier on Sundays at 4 pm (and some are not open at all) despite Berlin being a cosmopolitan city.

Even though it’s not as common to see around, try on the German attire when you’re there. The traditional dress for women is called a dirndl. I found many different styles at a mall in Alexanderplatz. As they are not a costume and an elegant piece of clothing, they aren’t cheap. So keep that in mind if you were thinking of picking one up as a souvenir.

You might want to try on the traditional German dress called a dirndl. 

Do I need to carry cash or should I use a credit card in Berlin?

During my stay, I mostly paid for everything in cash (euros) as that’s my personal preference but you can use cards if you wish. If you’re concerned about card security, another thing to note that is if you’re catching ubers, you can link to your PayPal account for added protection.

I will say that you should avoid bringing large euro notes – especially notes over 50 euros. Berliners are friendly, but they are also cautious about tourists with large bills. I was asked multiple times if I had a smaller note when only buying a few bits and pieces. This was hard when I didn’t, but most challenging when people asked me this question in German!

Supermarkets are a great place to try local delicacies without having to spend a lot. 

What food should I eat in Berlin?

One of the most common fast foods I tried in Berlin was currywurst. This is a dish that consists of a boiled sausage, that’s cut up, topped off with a curry ketchup and served with a side of fries or a bread roll. It’s only a few euros and great for a snack on the go. You can’t go to Berlin without trying one!

You should also try an assortment of meats, cheeses, bread and chocolate when you’re there – so delicious! I’d also say that you should give the non-German cuisine a fair go when you’re in Berlin.

There are lots of multicultural restaurants such as Greek, Turkish, Thai, Indian and Spanish food available. Whatever cuisine you choose, you will not be disappointed as Berlin is known for its incredible food. Something that I wasn’t expecting.

Currywurst is a German dish that you’ve got to try if visiting Berlin!

Public transport – Ubers, Taxis and Buses

I’d recommend using Ubers, as I found them to be a convenient and easy way to get around. I will say that I would avoid using taxis if travelling around Berlin. This is because there are other public transport options available that are much more affordable.

You can also use the hop/on hop off buses and public transport, but just be aware of the operating times.

There are several transport options in Berlin, but public transport is arguably the best choice.

Using public restrooms

What you might not know is that you need pay to use the toilets in certain public bathrooms, so you should try to always carry coins. Though if you don’t have any on you, there will likely be a coin machine next to the bathroom if you only have notes. It costs roughly around 25 to 50 cents to enter the bathroom.

This is pretty common practice in Europe, but you won’t have to pay in malls or most restaurants.

Travel essentials to take for Berlin

Take a collapsible drink bottle with you as this saves space and means you don’t have to buy bottled water

Shoulder bag or crossbody bag – a backpack is convenient, but it will make you look like a tourist and you won’t be able to see it when you’re carrying it so I prefer crossbody style as a better option.

Travel wallet with RFID protection – I recently had my card information scanned and stolen at home, so if it can happen in your daily life – it could definitely happen on holiday! You can also get a credit card sleeve which I’d recommend for day-to-day use.

Caribee Sky Master – this is a great luggage option as it can be wheeled or carried as a backpack which is ideal when travelling – especially through train stations with stairs.

Scrubba Wash Bag – this saved me money and time going to laundromats, plus it helped separate my dirty laundry from my clean.

Travel clothesline – take one with suction caps as you can then easily hang it up in your hotel bathroom.

Laundry detergent – I personally choose a concentrated travel version to save on space and weight.

If you don’t know much about the city itself, Berlin may surprise you.

My final thoughts on Berlin

While I found Berlin to be a dynamic city, I was surprised by what I found. I didn’t know much about it before my visit, so I was quite surprised how young and international Berlin is.

If you’ve always wanted to visit Berlin – then it’s definitely worth ticking off your bucket list on your trip to Europe, so that you can see what it has to offer for yourself.

  Have you ever visited a city that wasn’t what you expected? Let us know in the comments. 

The post Berlin for Dummies – What You Need to Know appeared first on Snowys Blog.

The Secret Life of Pimps

9 days of isolation have deffo affected me and not in the best way. I feel like my mind left me alone and now sings gypsy songs somewhere in Hungarian fields. I know all the works I have to do and I have first draft plans, but I just cant begin anything I cant explain why just cant be arsed I guess; just sitting here and waiting for something to come down on me. But to be honest it has already come! Now we are working on the feature block, in the current circumstances and this massive panic it is pretty difficult to get access to anything, but it gives me time to prepare everything, do research and write two different plans for the doc in case I am doing it alone and in case someone helps me (basically will or will I not have an extra pair of hands). I began developing this idea, OMG, believe me or no, 4 years ago, almost five. Winter 2015-2016. It was a very dark time, my nana was dying from schizophrenia and we all had to witness it; she was a very important figure in he family for me, literally the only one who was standing for me and protecting me. My best friend killed herself as well. And this project was like a life waste for me. I was holding onto it and putting all my pain into it. So much mystery is around it as well.  I was doing drama that time and one evening my tutor was like: I am tired I wanna go on holidays.  And we came up with an idea of entering a competition. We sent our application on the last day, we still were allowed to enter and then we began developing the idea.  The idea came from my long term condition: I haven't properly slept for over 6 years now. I have been even prescribed valium, it was the only drug that helped but for the obvious reasons I couldn't bring it to the UK. In 2016 my insomnia got even worse, I could stay awake for days, I started having hallucinations. But along with it I started noticing that it is easier to be creative during the night. First of all because no lights or sounds distract you from your thoughts, second, when you live with super strict abusive mom, night is the only time you can be yourself. And I came up with an idea of INSOMNIA being a young lady, who helps artists to conceive. In the original script, she comes to a flat of a fine artist she used to date and sees that he hasn't been there for quite awhile. She starts calling her memories back and talk to the audiences about them, art, how it was, how it, what she expects to see and gets madder and madder. In the end she destroyed the studio and leaves through the window. It was a funny director note btw, because in our home studio there was a tiny French balcony and those who didn't know about it thought that I have actually jumped from the window. So then we entered that country competition and I won it as a solo artist and also got the grand prize and a trip to Paris where the final happened. I was competing with actors from all over the world, was presenting my tiny city, it was a big honour and it was scary. I obviously didn’t win the whole competition, but I won it as a solo artist and original script. All these years I have been thinking how to make turn it into a film. And recently I was shown a film What We Do In Shadows by Taika Waititi. It is a mockumentary about 4 vampires living together. And suddenly it all came down on me.  I ended with an idea of Insomnia being a guest on a talk show which takes place at her house. She keeps biographies of the artists she worked with at home, their masterpieces, like vinyls, artworks, clothes, photographs, video tapes, sketchbooks. This will allow me to do lots of research on real famous people, explore myself and talk about life, research history or art and create a strong film. Yes it will take lots of time but we have it now owing to the virus woohoo. It will also need lots of prop but I really hope one bloke will lend it to me. To be honest, his house inspired me a lot. It is the most stylish apartment I have even been to. It is a real artistic dungeon! Every statue, every lizard on the wall, every book, every guide, every lamp is on its place and out there on purpose to create the unique atmosphere. I hope to rent a similar house or a boat (yeah I found one hehe).  Pray for me to be able to make it. Hope it is going to go better that my drama which I am not gonna talk about.  Also just came up with an idea of her using quotes from different films in her speech, as if she wrote the scripts.  I am super excited.  Full of different emotions. Deep pain and happiness. Told ya, my brain has left me. 

In 1993 David Bowie compiled a double CD for friends. Titled All Saints it combined instrumentals from Low and "Heroes" with more contemporary tracks and signalled the singer's rediscovery of the electronic sounds that revolutionised his music in 1977. Delving deep into All Saints, Jon Savage examines the impact of Bowie's sonic revolution on post-punk, electronica and, in the end, Bowie himself.

1993 was a fantastic year for electronic music. Six years after Steve 'Silk' Hurley's Jack Your Body - the UK's first house Number 1 - the pure energy of house and techno had diversified into more than just a series of artificially stimulated genres: it had become a whole new sound world that had very little to do with what had gone before, and that meant rock. Despite the best efforts of Suede and Nirvana that year, electronica sounded like the future.

Passing from the irresistible Euro cheese of 2 Unlimited's No Limit - Number 1 in February - to Acen's brutal classic Window In The Sky - collected on the early junglist compilation Hard Leaders III: Enter The Darkside, there were several releases by Richard ]ames/Aphex Twin, including Polygon Window's Surfing On Sine Waves; Richie Hawtin's first album on Warp, Dimension Intrusion as F.U.S.E., Underworld's Rez, Sabres Of Paradise's Smokebelch II and the R&S compilation In Order To Dance 4 - brilliant records all.

1993 was also the year that David Bowie rediscovered his mojo, It had been a decade since Let's Dance - the rock/R&B fusion that launched him into the global mainstream for the first time. The subsequent years saw Bowie blindsided by that somewhat unexpected success: after two poor studio albums (Tonight and Never Let Me Down), an attempt to recapture his rock roots with Tin Machine had been unsuccessful - despite a couple of good songs. So what to do next?"

"A way through the labyrinth was offered by the past: going forward by going back. During 1991, Rykodisc undertook a comprehensive reissue programme of all the albums between 1967's David Bowie and 1980's Scary Monsters (And Super Creeps), trailed in 1989 by the successful 3-CD compilation Sound + Vision. The cumulative effect of these fifteen records - including the electronic highpoints, Low and "Heroes" - reaffirmed Bowie's status as modernist and innovator.

Released in April 1993, Black Tie White Noise was Bowie's first solo album for six years. It contains what would, with variations, become his basic template for the next decade: mature, almost crooning vocals; iconic covers, in this case Cream's I Feel Free and The Walker Brothers' Nite Flights; an interest in black dance rhythms (assisted here by Nile Rodgers); and futuristic ideas integrated within a full, enveloping sound. It went to Number 1.

Bowie has always been a synthesist of contemporary modes: unlike many rock stars, he actually likes music. His commercial renaissance in 1993 coincided with a greater receptivity to the world around him and a corresponding reassessment of his achievements. Pallas Athena is a string-drenched baggy shuffle, while the title track, Black Tie White Noise, matches a lyric about the 1992 Rodney King riots in Los Angeles with a guest vocal from New Jack Swing singer Al B. Sure!

That November, Nirvana plugged Bowie right into the heart of contemporary rock music with their version of The Man Who Sold The World on MTV Unplugged. A month later, Bowie released his second album of 1993, The Buddha Of Suburbia, an album of all new, subtly electronic material - inspired by his soundtrack work on the BBC Film of Hanif Kureishi's novel, set in their shared south London locale of Bromley - a forgotten gem in his catalogue.

Right from the opening track, which collages the riff from Space Oddity and the chorus from All The Madmen, The Buddha Of Suburbia plugs Bowie back into his avant-garde past. This was deliberate: as Bowie wrote in the linernotes, "My personal brief for this collection was to marry my present way of writing and playing with the stockpile of residue from the 1970s." That meant a list of inspirations that included free association lyrics, Brücke-Museum, Kraftwerk, Eno and Neu!

As if to celebrate the continued influence of Eno on his "working forms", Bowie put together his third release of the year: a double CD compilation called All Saints, produced in an edition of a hundred and fifty and handed out to friends. This was an explicit homage to electronica: mixing all the instrumentals from Low and "Heroes" with stray outtakes like Abdulmajid and All Saints, as well as relevant material from Black Tie White Noise and The Buddha Of Suburbia.

The result is surprisingly homogeneous: sixteen years of material collaged into a flowing whole, with the The Buddha Of Suburbia material, The Mysteries and Ian Fish UK Heir, among the strongest. Which prompts a few questions. If Low and "Heroes" represent Bowie's highpoint of formal inspiration, then how did he get there? Why did they sound so good in the context of their time, and what has their influence been - not just on his own music - but electronica in general? Did that future happen?

It all began, appropriately enough, in science fiction. During the mid to late summer of 1975, Bowie was in New Mexico and other southern locations, filming Nicolas Roeg's The Man Who Fell To Earth. His central role required him to play the part of Thomas Jerome Newton, an extraterrestrial visitor on a quest to find water for his dying planet. Newton is charming, cold, and totally emotionless: as Bowie later admitted, he hardly had to act because that's how he felt at the time.

Space travel and aliens have been a constant theme in Bowie's songs, from Space Oddity through Life On Mars?, Ashes To Ashes and Hello Spaceboy. The possibility of other worlds - and the transformation achieved by leaving this one - is a sure-re way of abstracting from any problems that one has on this Earth. Bowie had always felt apart, and much of his work - for instance, his first masterpiece, 1966's The London Boys - centres around the themes of being in or out, between belonging and not belonging.

His first big hit, 1969's Space Oddity, was a trip to nowhere, in the short term. Bowie achieved fusion in his second phase of chart success: he understood and identified with his new audience, a mixture of weirdos, gays, urban stylists and teenyboppers. But superstardom and artistic restlessness drove him into new, uncharted areas: as he continued his sequence of hyper-speed transformations in 1974 and 1975 - from Aladdin Sane to Diamond Dogs and Young Americans - he became more and more remote.

In summer 1975 he was coked-out and fame blitzed. But The Man Who Fell To Earth offered a lifeline. Saturated in science fiction, becoming the alien, Bowie was able to project forward, into his future, into the future - out of a barren, bleak and occasionally terrifying present. (At the time he was living in Los Angeles, beset by demons, imagined or otherwise, and involved in a sequence of paralysing business disputes).

The first sign of this change was all over his next album. Recorded in autumn 1973, Station To Station was a compelling mixture of abstracted disco and contemporary crooning. TVC 15 set to a vicious funk rhythm the famous scene in The Man Who Fell To Earth, where Newton, rendered incapable by alcohol, goggles at a wall of TV sets: "I give my complete attention to a very good friend of mine / He's quadrophonic / He's a / He's got more channels/ So hologramic / Oh my TVC 15."

The title track was a ten-minute tour de force, with as many twists and turns as a 1967 single or a prog epic, that charted a spiritual journey from the darkside ("Here I am / Dredging the ocean / Lost in my circle") to some kind of possibility that life could continue. Whether consciously or not, Bowie was visualising his own escape: "The European canon is here." Here also are the first traces of modern German music: the motorik rhythms, the panoramic sweep of the train sounds.

The idea of a physical journey was stimulated by the most successful German record to date, Kraftwerk's Autobahn - the title track of which aimed to capture the feeling of driving along the German A roads without speed limits. You hear the car starting, a horn toots, and then you're off into a repetitive, hypnotic twenty-two-minute journey that reflects the different, phasing perspectives of travelling fast as well as the boredom of motorway driving.

As important as the idea of simulating shifts through time and space was Kraftwerk's use of synthesizers to express a melodic sensibility that, at various points, suggested distance, loss, cosiness and large horizons. The two wordless versions of Kometenmelodie, on the album's second side, are saturated in deep, warm analogue synth sounds. This was a futuristic, self-generated, distinct European sensibility that had very little American or English influence.

An edited single of Autobahn went to Number 11 in the UK charts in June 1975. The Kosmische Musik was going overground in 1974/5 just as it hit an artistic peak, with records by Kraftwerk, Tangerine Dream (Phaedra and Ricochet), Cluster (Zuckerzeit), Harmonia (Muzik Von Harmonia), Can (Soon Over Babaluma), Neu! (Neu! 75), and Faust, whose Faust IV began with an earth-shaking drone that satirised the flip name given to the genre by British journalists - Krautrock.

This was a music born out of a national rupture: Germany's post-war devastation and reconstruction. As Kraftwerk's Ralf Hütter told this writer in 1991: "When we started it was like, shock, silence. Where do we stand? Nothing. The classical music being nineteenth century, but in the twentieth century: nothing. We had no father figures, no continuous tradition of entertainment. Through the '50s and '60s, everything was Americanised, directed towards consumer behaviour.

"We were part of this '68 movement, where suddenly there were possibilities: we performed at happenings and art situations. Then we founded our Kling Klang studio. German word for sound is 'klang', 'kling' is the verb. Phonetics, establishing the sound, we added more electronics. You had performances from Cologne Radio, Stockhausen, and something new was in the air, with electronic sounds, tape machines. We were a younger generation, we came up with different textures."

With a cover that used a still taken from The Man Who Fell To Earth, Station To Station was released in January 1976, followed a couple of months later by the film: a double whammy that kept Bowie at the forefront of popular culture. In February, Bowie began the sixty-four-date Station To Station tour - for many fans, his peak as a performer - which, after forty or so dates in the US, visited Germany in April. He liked it so much that, in late summer 1976, he moved to Berlin with Iggy Pop in tow.

In the late '70s, Berlin was a schizophrenic city, brutally divided in two by the heavily policed wall that separated the two warring super-power systems of the day - Cold War zoning in excelsis. Totally surrounded by the communist Deutsche Demokratische Republik, the Western side was an oasis of capitalist values, half depressed and half manically liberated. (For two contrasting views, see the contemporary Berlin films Taxi Zum Klo and Christiane F..

Berlin had come back from nothing. It allowed Bowie anonymity, a safe enough haven within which to reconstitute himself and an environment that matched his own psychological state. It also had layers of history that went back beyond the Cold War and World War II: always visually stimulated, Bowie was fascinated by the Brücke-Museum, an institution dedicated to the often stark Work of the first expressionists, the 'Brücke', or Bridge, who celebrated spontaneity and raw emotion.

It also allowed Bowie to immerse himself further in German music: that year he met Edgar Froese, Giorgio Moroder, and Kraftwerk - who would write about it in 1977's Trans-Europe Express: "From station to station / Back to Dusseldorf city / Meet Iggy Pop and David Bowie." This was the melting pot that would go into the four key 1977 albums that Bowie began recording that summer: first Iggy Pop's The Idiot, then his next, begun in France and finished at the Hansa Tonstudio ("By the wall") in Berlin.

Low was a major surprise when it came out in early 1977 but it's a perfect record - conceptually and emotionally. Adorned with a treated cover still from The Man Who Fell To Earth, it's split into two halves: a first side of seven tracks - two instrumentals and ve songs clipped brutally short - and a second of almost wordless, hypnotic instrumentals. The entire album is drenched in electronics, used to evoke a variety of emotions - not the least of which is a strange serenity: the curious comfort in near-total withdrawal.

The record fades in on Speed Of Life, a theme that tied into one of the preoccupations of punk; as Bowie stated in 1977, "People simply can't cope with the rate of change in this world. It's all far too fast." This instrumental matches a ferocious Dennis Davis snare drum sound - achieved by Tony Visconti's Eventide Harmonizer, which fed back a dying echo to the drummer as he played - with synthesizer textures that were at once harsh and melodic, uplifting and decaying.

These were provided by Brian Eno, Bowie's principal collaborator, who was already saturated in German music. During the sessions for Low, he recorded with Harmonia, while his 1975 album, Another Green World, had been partly inspired by Cluster's Zuckerzeit, an album of playful, sugary but relentless synthesizer instrumentals, and the oscillation between recognisable, if slightly swerved pop songs and ambient instrumentals were what Bowie was aiming to achieve.

The five songs on Low's first side are almost randomly edited, formally unconventional - the vocal on the hit, Sound And Vision, doesn't come in for a minute and a half - and almost autistically uncommunicative. Normally profligate with words and storylines, Bowie here offers fragments from unpleasant scenarios that thrust themselves up into the consciousness (Always Crashing In The Same Car, Breaking Glass) or almost desperate attempts at connection (Be My Wife).

The excitement of the record's formal innovations - the successful integration of a new electronic sound with pop/rock music: just listen to the popping synth in What In The World - contrast with a mood that is shut down, cocooned. This feeling of remoteness is deepened by the four instrumentals that begin with Warszawa. Mixing minimalism with random elements, like the discarded Vibraphone found in the studio, they remain shape-shifting pulses of great clarity and beauty.

Low might have alienated the Americans, but it reached Number 2 in the UK: at the same time, Sound And Vision was a UK Top 3 single. While not of punk, it seemed to share a similar mood: the clipped feel, the acceleration, the traumatised emotions - on the surface at least. It was quickly followed by another album, this time totally recorded at the Hansa Tonstudio in Berlin: "Heroes". Although sharing the same split format as Low, this was a very different beast.

The first thing that you notice is that the songs are longer. There are synthesizers and randomness - like the flat interjection on Joe The Lion: "It's Monday" - but the feeling is generally more expansive, as though Bowie has begun to open up to the world again. The sound is fuller, and reaches a peak on the justly celebrated title track, inspired by two lovers meeting under the Berlin Wall, which, with a totally committed, if not desperate vocal, celebrates the uncertain possibility that love can transcend geopolitics.

The second side is like a waking dream. The Kraftwerk homage V-2 Schneider begins with a downward sweep - like a jet, or a rocket terror weapon, levelling out - before hitting a heavy motorik groove as relentless as anything on Neu! 75. Sense Of Doubt leaves a descending, four-note theme hanging in atmospherics and synthesizer washes: you can hear the dripping rain and feel the physical and mental as psychology matches environment.

Moss Garden takes from Edgar Froese's Epsilon In Malaysian Pale in mood - that lush, exotic soundscape - and in its repeating synth whorls. Bowie added a deep, machine-like hum that travels across the channels, and an improvisation played on a koto: the Japanese stringed instrument. The final instrumental, Neuköln, features Bowie's saxophone in a strangulated, highly Expressionist evocation of a drab Berlin district then mainly populated by Turkish immigrants.

These four tracks are the high point of Bowie's career, his point of furthest formal and expressive outreach: sound paintings that have all the complexity and power of a feature film, they take you there, right into their emotional and physical landscape. Just as much as the purely instrumental albums that Brian Eno would release over the next few years, they represent the beginnings of ambient music, certainly in the form that would become popular in the early 1990s.

The impact of Low and "Heroes" was immediate. Both albums were signposts to the young musicians who would come to the fore in 1978 and 1979, after punk's fury had dissipated: among them were Gary Numan, whose super-alienated chart-topper, Are 'Friends' Electric, welded TVC 15 with Speed Of Life, and Joy Division, originally called Warsaw after the opening instrumental on side two of Low, who took that album's distinctive drum sound, mixed with a lot of Can, into their vision of rock and electronics.

The influence went even further. Berlin and bleak Mitteleurope became a pop trope in the late '70s, with the cold wave of The Human League, Ultravox's Vienna and Joy Division's haunted Komakino, written after a visit to the city. The Mobiles went kitsch with the melodramatic Drowning In Berlin, while Spandau Ballet, the breakthrough group of the new romantics (true children of Bowie all), took their name from the district to the west of the city.

Part of this was just pop faddishness, but Low and "Heroes" had, by the end of 1977, offered a way out of punk's stylistic cul-de-sac. Electronics had been a definite no-no for punks - "Moog synthe-si-zer" Joe Strummer had sneered on London Weekend Television in November 1976 - but they returned with a vengeance after Donna Summer's I Feel Love and Space's Magic Fly, with great 1978 singles by The Normal, Throbbing Gristle, Cabaret Voltaire and The Human League, plus key albums by Suicide and Kraftwerk.

Punk had been the future, but that was quickly superseded by real-time, political events. In the polarising atmosphere of late 1977 and early 1978, it was all too easy to feel shot by both sides. As they had to David Bowie, electronics offered a way of side-stepping impossible demands, while their association with various physical and psychological states - movement late in the night through the city, withdrawal and isolation - were attractive to alienated youth.

In many ways, it was the return of psychedelia, only darker in keeping with the mood of the time. The counter-intuitive analogue synth sound was key: it was deep enough to create an environment and bleak enough to evoke estrangement, while at the same time enveloping the listener in a warm bath of ambience, that "sensurround sound" that would be explored further by The Human League (The Dignity Of Labour Parts 1-4), Joy Division (Atmosphere, The Eternal) and PiL (Radio 4).

Like his post-punk acolytes, Bowie too kept coming back to these albums in the later '70s and early '80s. In 1978, he played Warszawa and Sense Of Doubt on the long Isolar II tour, later collected on the Stage live album. Both also cropped up, together with V-2 Schneider and "Heroes"/Helden on the soundtrack of Christiane F., a stark but overlong depiction of teenage heroin addicts at the central Berlin station that became one of the most popular German films ever.

But apart from Crystal Japan, a Japanese B-side, Bowie retreated from pure electronica thereafter. By the time that he returned with Let's Dance in 1983, the spores he had helped to cast to the wind were beginning to bear fruit in the most unexpected way, as the late '70s white synthetic sound was taken up by black Americans, most notably in rap and techno tracks by Cybotron - 1981's Alleys Of Your Mind and 1984's Techno City - and Afrika Bambaataa And Soulsonic Force on 1983's Planet Rock.

While Bowie busied himself in the mainstream, dance culture proliferated into a myriad forms, assisted by the onset of digital and sampling technology. With such an eclectic, voracious and fast-moving culture, it was hardly surprising that it began to loop back to the analogue late '70s. Just as Low and "Heroes" reappeared on CD in 1991, with several extra tracks, the first products of ambient's second wave were being released: Aphex Twin's Didgeridoo and Biosphere's classic Microgravity.

Reconnecting with his electronic past gave Bowie a burst of energy that has taken him through the '90s and, in fact, the rest of his career to date. During 1992, the year that Philip Glass put out the Low Symphony, he reunited with Brian Eno - on "synthesizers, treatments, and strategies" - for the ambitious 1.Outside. Released in 1995, this was a return to the dystopian landscape of Diamond Dogs with added pre-millennial tension and extra technological weirdness.

The fourteen songs on 1.Outside stretch time and form. Random reappears in the cut-up lyrics, while the constant 4/4 of house phases in-and-out of funk and baggy beats, in the segues Bowie's voice is varispeeded through time and space: one minute he's a fourteen-year-old girl, another a forty-six-year-old "Tyrannical Futurist". The album's big hit, Hello Spaceboy, has hints of Rebel Rebel and Space Oddity. By this stage, in his late forties, Bowie could look back at his catalogue and his obsessions, and still move forward.

The motion was even more extreme on 1997's direct, uptempo and intense Earthling, in which Bowie mixed heavily sampled often squeezed into squalling riffs, as on the opener Little Wonder, with self-generated drum'n'bass rhythms that co-existed with rave patterns (Dead Man Walking). With hints of The Prodigy and Underworld, this was Bowie's most dance-friendly album, adding remixes by Moby, Danny Saber, Nine Inch Nails, and Junior Vasquez.

Both 1.Outside and Earthling made the UK Top 10, as did the more eclectic and uptempo Hours..., from 1999. Two years later, Bowie finally released All Saints as a single disc: dropping the Black Tie White Noise tracks and South Horizon from The Buddha Of Suburbia, and adding Crystal Japan and Brilliant Adventure from Hours.... The result is eminently playable, Bowie's purest, most elemental electronic album.

The extraordinary thing about 2001's All Saints is how well it all hangs together, with nine tracks from 1977 flowing easily in and out of the material from the 1990s, the most recent being the brief, but beautiful Brilliant Adventure. The Mysteries could have segued straight into the second side of "Heroes", and Moss Garden into The Buddha Of Suburbia. That continuity is not a result of standing still, but of being able to retain a love of sound, the wish to move forward.

The long loop of All Saints, from 1977 to 1993 and, finally, 2001, takes Bowie near the close of his musical career to date. In 2002 he released Heathen, an excellent record with tinges of sadness and mortality alongside a surprising cover of Neil Young's I've Been Waiting For You. The next year there was Reality and since then there has been nothing. In a strange way All Saints feels like a closing of the circle: a celebration of an extraordinary breakthrough that remained an inspiration and a talisman.

Just as the prophecies of The Man Who Fell To Earth have come to pass - that bank of TV screens, all showing different channels: if only someone could have told us how boring that would become - then the startling futurism of Low and "Heroes" has been borne out by the events of the last thirty-five years. A radical departure then, seemingly out of their time, they continue to exist in their own world, but they also remain signposts to a future that came to pass.