I was watching the half blood prince and the marauders hyperfixation hit a little too hard. just finished a 20 minute rant about the physical and psychological torture Bellatrix and the rest of the Black family most likely experienced to push them to the point of insanity Bella presents in the books and movies.

Draco and Blacks were essentially Raised in a cult, or very toxic religion (the death eaters who view voldemort as the lord or maybe even savior) because they were raised by generations of blood purists. Bella Draco and Narcissa and Sirius all have different experiences with their escape or lack thereof. Bella played the game, she embraced it and it consumed her. Narcissa played the game but never fully committed because she wanted out. Draco was forced into it by his father and it consumed him, until he was saved by Harry and Narcissa. Sirius escaped via the Potters and healed from it (partially). I also think it’s interesting how Narcissa attempted to end the generational trauma but failed and in the end Draco was the real end to the Black family trauma. (Sirius was too but he didn’t have kids and also he died so that’s less interesting)

Also Draco gets entirely too much hate (at least from the people i know in person because i really only discuss Marauders era stuff online and not Harry Potter stuff) and people seem to forget he was 16 when he was admitted into the death eaters. He made terrible choices and did bad things but he was a child who was literally raised to do so. He didn’t really have a choice, and even though he had very little control over his own life he still didn’t kill dumbledore and he wasn’t going to which was confirmed in a conversation between Harmonie and Harry which goes roughly as follows

“do you think he would have done it?”

“no, he was lowering his wand. In the end it was Snape. It was always Snape.”

And keep in mind that’s not just wishful thinking Harry hated Draco at the time he would not have defended him.

“Hurt People, Hurt People” on Junot Diaz’s piece on Silence & Childhood Trauma by @BrownGirlWisdom__

Cw: sexual violence, mention of suicide

I've had some time to process Junot Diaz’s piece on silence and childhood trauma.  I laid in bed, listened to the audio recording because I really had no energy to visually read it. If you have not read it, find the article here. In the presence of Sexual Assault Awareness Month and the #MeToo movement it is quite the time to really invest, revisit the reality of sexual violence and how it impacts folks of color. Many points resonated with me in his piece. My intent is not to discredit the pain, trauma and courage it took for him to be vulnerable in a patriarchal world that is not kind to vulnerability. I intend to provide my reflections as a survivor, a recovering Catholic, Mexican identified, non-Black, queer girl on masculinity, mental health, sexual violence, the familial structure as potential toxic site and religion as an oppressive institution that were brought up in Junot Diaz’s piece.

Interrogation of Catholicism as an Oppressive Structure and Tool of Conquest

What happens when praying isn't enough?

Religion is not always the cure for mental illness. Junot states, “Of course, I never got any kind of help, any kind of therapy. Like I said, I never told anyone. In a family as big as mine—five kids—it was easy to get lost, even when you were going under. I remember my mother telling me, after one of my depressions, that I should pray. I didn’t even bother to laugh.”  First, families of color just do not have the language to put into words what depression is so they resort to calling us “locas/locos” and tell us to go “pray” which continues to stigmatize mental illness within our community. I often think about how religion is usually the mode of “healing” for many. It is important to interrogate how religion can be an oppressive force. Specifically in the context of Catholicism on the island of the Dominican Republic, Junot Diaz in an interview states that it is important to critique, be more “transparent” about the “syncretic” religion that has a history rooted in the plantations and a dictator as he states in a Youtube interview titled “Junot Díaz talks religion, Dominican identity, and writing.” on his reflections on The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wilde. He advocates for a democratic Dominican Republic and states he is “not here to comfort anyone”. Religion, specifically Catholicism has a history of being used as a tool for manipulation, coercion, displacement, forced assimilation of native folk to whiteness and enslavement of Black people. Religion then becomes a place of isolation, dehumanization, ostracization and massacre. Catholicism has been used as a form of indoctrination of the gender binary and gender roles. Which again, reinforces the dichotomy that men must always be strong and women must be fragile and passive. I feel like many of you who really rely on religion as a form of healing space please take this in slowly. I do not suggest to completely get rid of religion in itself because I used to rely on Catholicism as a form of escape and healing. Now I identify as a “recovering Catholic” for many reasons of my own. I will push us as a community to continue to think about the role of Catholicism as a hegemonic force that continues to uphold much of the systems that hurt us as a community. How can we push the church to recognize its power, misuse of power as an institution, as a socially accepted religion as opposed to practices rooted in the Quran, Santeria, Brujeria, and other spiritual and religious practices? Religion is not always a cure for mental illness within our community, especially given it’s violent history. Connecting this back to sexual violence, what happens when the church demonizes sex, promiscuity without taking into account sexual violence and it’s history of abuse of power? What happens when praying isn't enough?

Addressing Rape Culture

All this to say that sexual violence exists within our communities and we must not remain silent or complacent in rape culture. Here are ten reasons why rape culture is so bad in the Latinx community according to Mala Munoz in “10 Reasons Why Rape Culture is So Bad in the Latinx Community”. These are some of the reasons: the risk of deportation, difficulties seeing sexual assault for what it is, age and generational trauma, lack of family support, family unity takes priority, community supports the perpetrator, lack of consequences and accountability for abusers, negative responses are psychologically damaging, lack of support means high likelihood of revictimization, and survivors forced to create their own support system.

Accountability Now: Men of Color Need to Hold Men of Color

Boys and Men of Color Create Spaces to talk Masculinity!

I also believe that Junot Diaz’s piece is a start to a conversation that men of color should start to invest more time in their feelings, trauma, healing so we can collectively combat systems like the patriarchy, misogyny culture that continues to silence us and enables us from being our authentic selves. Junot Diaz describes his sexual relationships and failed relationships with women which is important to note. We must think about how Junot’s promiscuity and act of using women to move along the world with his trauma was harmful. I think that this is also an opportunity to talk about how men of color need to take accountability of the trauma they cause women of color, while having experienced trauma. Men of color should be having a conversation among themselves about the realities of toxic masculinity and trauma that womxn of color have to experience due to the lack of spaces that allow men of color to work through their trauma. Men of color should hold space for other men of color to be vulnerable. In short, men of color hold other men accountable and make space for each other to process and own their experiences and be honest. And womxn of color should not have to be there to process, but the reality is that many womxn of color do do  that emotional labor to support the men of color in their life. So men of color, if you have womxn of color in your life that love and support you, say your Thank You’s.

Womxn of Color Can We Stop Making Excuses For Men of Color

So I also invite womxn of color to reflect on how we possibly navigate the world internalized and how we can move beyond that to really challenge these larger structures like sexism

We as womxn of color need to also stop apologizing for men of color. Internalized patriarchy and misogyny that convinces us to continue to protect and hold delicately the men of color in our lives. And the reality most of of us are not in a place to do that work due to violence we have felt from men of color and/or we can potentially put ourselves in a violent situation due to retaliation. All these concerns are real. Where do we start? Connecting with each other and building solidarity among one another and not pitting against each other for men of color that treat us like trash and waste basket for their toxic coping mechanisms. So I invite us womxn of color to reflect on how we possibly navigate the world internalized and how we can move beyond that to really challenge these larger structures like sexism, patriarchy, and misogyny. Have a conversation among each other. Check-in with each other at a family event, work space, within academia, in the streets, at a party setting and etc. We also need to address transphobia that is deeply embedded in our culture. I invite us to think critically about the gender binary and not only support our cis-ters but all of our sisters. Just like...”We deserve more complexity in these narratives. As corny and played out as the phrase is, it is true that hurt people hurt people. One can both be a survivor and a perpetuator of harm, especially if their trauma compacts with patriarchy. I would love for more attention, gratitude, credit, agency and space be given to those women who helped or loved or were hurt by those hurt men along their way, especially Black women. We deserve it.” as stated by Briana L. Urena “In the darkness men leave behind the women and emerge in the light clean and free”.

Moving forward:

I appreciate Junot Diaz’s vulnerability and became very emotional closer to the end since again, I resonated with a lot of what he expressed. It became sort of a mirror to feelings I have been carrying within myself. I also imagine how men of color can use this as an opportunity to lean more into their vulnerability. Of course, Junot Diaz is not free from critique but also it is a honest way to reflect on his reality to hopefully begin to own the harm he caused along the way. This becomes a larger conversation around addressing rape culture within our community, cultural stigma and inaccessible mental resources within the Latinx community, the need for informal spaces for men of color to address toxic masculinity, and for women of color to invest in each others wellbeing. How can we move forward with Junot Diaz’s vulnerability to change the culture of silence among the Latinx community? This is a start and I believe a platform to address sexual violence, mental health, and religion is always vital and much needed moving forward.

And I still have questions, so I ask: What is the impact when our Latinx families keep trauma silenced? What does it mean when we are unable to unpack what hurts us and who hurt us? What does it mean when we continue to uphold and reinforce toxic structures that lead many of our community members to call it quits? Where do we start? How do we move forward as a community? Towards a more healing and nurturing place? How do we take into account inequities that our communities face and also hold each other accountable for the damage we may have inflicted? How do we hold space for one another? Who should be holding that space?

Finally, I end with this quote by the one and only Gloria, “Why am I compelled to write?... Because the world I create in the writing compensates for what the real world does not give me. By writing I put order in the world, give it a handle so I can grasp it. I write because life does not appease my appetites and anger... To become more intimate with myself and you. To discover myself, to preserve myself, to make myself, to achieve self-autonomy. To dispell the myths that I am a mad prophet or a poor suffering soul. To convince myself that I am worthy and that what I have to say is not a pile of shit... Finally I write because I'm scared of writing, but I'm more scared of not writing.”

Resources:

http://ocrcc.org/the-intersection-of-sexual-violence-and-disability/

https://www.amnestyusa.org/pdfs/mazeofinjustice.pdf

https://berkleycenter.georgetown.edu/posts/colonial-history-creates-religious-syncretism-in-the-dominican-republic

https://www.schoolhealthcenters.org/healthlearning/boys-and-young-men-of-color-bmoc/

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2017/03/16/feminism-glossary-lexicon-language/99120600/

https://eji.org/history-racial-injustice-sexual-exploitation-black-women

https://www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys

https://transequality.org/issues/anti-violence

So, recently I've been thinking about the Legend of Zelda series a bit more than I usually do, and I think I really need to write my thoughts, because for me, it's a very complex topic. See, not only is a very big turning point of my life somewhat defined by my previous unhealthy obsession with the series (can we get a "Yikes" for unhealthy coping mechanisms in the chat?), but I also still really, genuinely love this series outside of weird nostalgia; the artistry is very interesting to me, as is the way the series is received by fans, and it's something unlike many other stories I've seen. So I'm going to talk about my own history with these games, how other people seem to think of them, and the structuring of the series itself. So, let's start!

My "Zelda phase" started very soon after my parents divorced/my dad medically transitioned (she's mtf trans, which was kind of a big deal to my mom because she didn't know that for a decade)/I moved town and lost a fair few of my old friends/my mom became rather impoverished for a stint. When I would get home a couple hours after school after taking the city bus, I didn't really have a lot of energy to do stuff, and it was only my brother and I in the house, so I'd make an easy snack and go sit online in my room if I didn't feel like just going to sleep (I was also super depressed and the internet made a pretty good distraction from that). I don't remember how or why, but I started reading Wikipedia articles about Zelda characters (I think the first one was Ghirahim?) and listening to music from the series. Soon, I figured out what it was about, and thought it was very cool. But, all I had was a Wii, and I had no money, so I couldn't play any of the games yet (and to this day, I just have the Wii, a second hand 3DS, and temporary access to my brother's switch. I have not played a lot of the games, just Twilight Princess, part of Ocarina of Time and Skyward Sword and the original Zelda, and I'm currently playing Breath of the Wild). So I read up as much as I could about the lore. I felt like I had something to do, and it kinda consumed my life (keep in mind I was also a middle schooler, so I was doing weird stuff anyway). By the time eighth grade rolled around, I was OBSESSED (as in I literally drew the triforce on my hand in marker every single day until like, the last month of the school year). I think I was generally just kinda known as that one kid from a couple towns over who cries when you breathe on her and is stupid obsessed with the Legend of Zelda. But at the time, it was great! I had something to do, something to obsess over, something to distract me from my boring, depressing (at the time) life! I also had something to do in after school program (I had stopped taking the city bus when my brother started going to high school, since a tiny unobservant middle school girl on a city bus alone isn't a great idea), which was play Super Smash Bros and Twilight Princess on the school Wii. I had managed to convince my dad to snare me a secondhand copy of Twilight Princess, and I was so, SO hooked. I would spend whole weekends just playing that game, and I loved to take it home and play it. I've never been very good at the puzzles and dungeons, so it took a very long, frustrating time to beat it, too. I think I've played through that game three or four times, which is saying a lot, because my level of skill with the dungeons means one playthrough to 100% completion could take me a full year! But it made me very happy back then to devote all of my energy into one thing that provided instant escape.

Then I think I grew up a little. I learned how to cope with my new life a little better, and I matured a little more. I realised my obsession was pretty unhealthy. I also became a more well-rounded person again, and allowed myself to reclaim some of my old hobbies that I had abandoned when I moved (mostly because I thought people would think I was weirder than they already thought I was). In freshman year of high school, I swore to put down those games (and fandom at large, since I had essentially defined myself by fandom) and focus on figuring out who I was. I also had to figure out how to deal with life very quickly; I was in a very abusive theater environment, and one of my friends died that year, plus I had to move house yet again, and of course it was my first year of high school, so it was a lot going on anyway. Plus I was going through a difficult time spiritually; I had recently begun pursuing pagan spirituality, and redefining your religion takes a lot of hard, HARD work. By the time sophomore year rolled around, I was a very, VERY different person. I was still severely depressed, but I was able to work through it (with the help of my mom, a counselor, and a very scary {to me, not to doctors} concussion that made me remember the value of living), and after pulling myself out of the depression hole, taking steps to work through trauma, and cutting a very shitty, toxic person out of my life, I finally felt like I was a good person. That feeling kept getting stronger and stronger, and now in senior year I'm very happy with only a few small internal problems with myself (mainly that I don't feel ready to adult yet), but most of my problems come from outside.

Now, what does all that backstory have to do about The Legend of Zelda? Well, I wrote all that to show just how MUCH has happened to me in the past few years, and why I latched onto this series the way I did. Nowadays, I kind of have a love/hate relationship with it. I LOVE the actual series; the story still interests me, it makes me happy-nostalgic in some small ways, and I've made some lovely online connections through it. But it also reminds me of one one my shittiest, lowest points I have yet experienced (which, I mean, considering that "Sad middle schooler" is the lowest I've gone, I think I'm doing pretty good!). And I know I need to come to terms with the level of obsession I had, because I still get embarrassed by it a full fourish years later. In fact, I kinda feel like I can never enjoy it or talk about it around people I knew back then, because they'll think I'm reverting back or something. And I think in a small way, I'm scared of reverting back. I'm scared if I enjoy that series, it means I'm depressed and one-dimensional again (which like, intellectually I know that's not true, but this is emotion here).