i think i need more evil ocs.... i have some ocs who are assoholes with a heart of....maybe silver.... but i don't have any actually evil ocs.

Will you talk more about Lisa?? Lisa the character specifically but also your feelings on his feelings about Buddy? I just thought your analysis was so good and I want to hear other thoughts you have on her.

yall are honestly spoiling me rn sdhkfdjfks this is like a dream come true 

i already got into the stuff with buddy in this ask here but i have a LOT to say about lisa and the connection between her and buddy so u better settle in!

ok so firstly ill start with lisa. i played the original lisa game (lisa the first) not long after it first dropped in 2012, and im not even kidding when i said it changed me LMAO.... seeing a story about a girl suffering is nothing new, but austin jorgensens approach to it was so fucking unique. you dont just witness it, you get to EXPERIENCE it right along with her. many stories that involve sexual abuse/rape show or otherwise depict it explicitly for the shock value, which is both disgusting and, in my opinion, extremely fucking exploitative. i feel that it is horrific to dignify an act so deeply evil with screentime. but lisa stood out to me immediately because, even though you know exactly whats going on, the game NEVER shows anything explicit. everything is layered in subtext and symbolism, and austin is fantastic with indirect storytelling, so you learn so much from just a little drop of information. this applies not just to the game proper, but to the character as well.

in case its not clear: i absolutely ADORE lisa. she is my favorite character in all of the games, bar none. its going to sound kind of fucked up, but as a kid around her age going through some fucked up shit, her committing suicide at the end felt like a sort of victory to me. she knew she could never escape from marty or what he was doing to her. he leaks into every single part of her psyche, everything she ever cared about or loved is ruined because of him, and even the vague memory of her mother is completely corrupted, and turned into a muddled version of him. lisa the first also had the added benefit of some religious commentary, as there are crosses all over their home and marty is characterized as an extremely religious man, which i fucking LOVE and wish had come back in the painful, but its an acceptable loss. anyway, lisa committing suicide at the end was an act of defiance against not just marty, but martys god, as suicide is considered a mortal sin in catholicism. lisa knew she’d never be free of marty in life, so she escaped the only way she could; she was defiant to the end.

ive seen people complain that the painful has a bit of a “lost lenore” thing going on, since lisas death seems to fuel the Manpain of both brad and buzzo, but i actually disagree. on the contrary, its just like austin himself said - lisa will never be gone. lisa is ALWAYS there, with brad, and buzzo, and buddy, and marty, and yado, and the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. i dont necessarily think that there is something paranormal going on in the game, but i AM going to say that, unlike other cases of a girl/woman dying for a mans backstory, lisa isnt just a bittersweet memory they can reflect on and then put away when its convenient for them. she is a presence that is felt throughout the entire game. brad sees her more than once, sometimes watching, sometimes reprimanding him. buzzo is clearly haunted by her, as he cries out to her a few times in the joyful. every character who was directly touched by lisa - brad, marty, and buzzo - calls out to lisa as they die. call it their guilt or call it her actions, but in either case, it is clear that lisa just as significant of a character in the painful as she was in the first, even if she cant always be seen. even in a meta-sense, every game in the series - even the joyful, whose protagonist doesnt even know who she is - is named after her. she is at the center of everything that happens in them. 

that actually brings me to buddy, because i find the dynamic between her and lisa fucking fascinating. as i previously mentioned, brad never talked about his past with buddy, and snaps at her for bringing up his adoptive son dusty (rando), so it goes without saying that she definitely doesnt know who lisa is. in spite of that, though, lisa is a fucking massive part of buddys life, and while she may not know the person herself, i think she is aware that when people (and brad especially) look at her, they arent seeing HER. 

i mentioned it in another post, but even though brad takes it upon himself to raise and “protect” buddy, he seems to almost unwittingly recreate lisas appearance, primarily by allowing her hair to grow long even though he knows what a risk that is to her safety. he also treats buddy in a manner thats incredibly similar to how marty treated lisa (sans sexual abuse, of course) - he insults her, does not let her leave the house at all, and forces her to do unsavory things that no one should ever have to do (in buddys case, this means killing at least two innocent people because brad doesnt want a “weak” daughter). the most literal comparison between buddy and lisa is the fact that they are both very young girls being essentially held captive by their father figures, albeit for different reasons, and both long for freedom from their captors. 

theres also the fact that both buddy and lisa have to deal with misogyny and the effects of rape culture firsthand; they both battle against men who feel entitled to do with them whatever they please, and the threat of ongoing sexual abuse looms heavy over both of their heads. neither one can seek help from anyone; the neighbors in brad and lisas town seem complacent at best, if they even know what is happening to lisa at all, and buddys only allies (sans rando) are long dead by the start of the joyful. this is not just a hypothetical or a distant possibility. this is the real, tangible fate that will befall them if they cant somehow secure their safety.

sadly, because lisa wasnt playable in either of the rpgs, we dont know if she was able to fight as brad was, but it is highly probable that she had the innate skill but was never able to learn it (as marty highly discouraged them from learning “their grandfathers karate,” and seemed disgusted whenever brad did so). however, she did have ONE weapon she could make use of, and this is a weapon buddy ends up using, as well - her femininity. she became close to bernard (aka buzzo), made him fall in love with her, and then used him as a last ditch effort to stop martys abuse by having him mutilate her face. im not saying lisa never cared about bernard - in fact, i think she DID really love and care for him - but her own fucked up experiences with “love” meant she really couldnt understand what it was supposed to be like, or that it was wrong to manipulate the people you care about. lisa did very few things wrong - it pretty much just stops at the maiming of the cat and her manipulation of bernard - but she knew that she would never get away from marty without some kind of drastic action being taken, and scarring herself was her last ditch effort before ultimately committing suicide.

buddy ends up taking a somewhat similar tack in the joyful, and like in lisas case, its simultaneously resourceful and horrific. one of buddys key moves in the joyful is to flash the enemy (which the player obviously doesnt see) in order to distract them long enough to get the kill. its fucking horrible and disgusting and makes you feel so dirty, but then, how must buddy feel having to do something like that just to survive? shes just a child, but in a world where almost every man is out to get you, she knows this has to be done to save herself, very much like lisa. unlike in lisas case, though, buddy is successful in securing her safety in this way - lisas effort is for naught, and leads to her committing suicide not very long after. 

in a way, i sort of attribute buddys brutality to lisas omnipresence; all of the men pursuing buddy are just like marty, monsters who would harm a fucking child for their own disgusting ends, and i think that when buzzo said that lisa wouldve loved olathe, what he means is that she would have loved seeing so many horrible men being punished for what theyd done. so in my opinion, buddy carving out a place for herself in olathe by killing all those who would subjugate her seems very much in the mentality lisa would have had. sure, there are some innocents who sadly get roped into it, but that would definitely not be her intention; for example, if buzzo could have practiced amputation without harming a living thing, i dont think lisa would have asked him to practice on the cat. note the LACK of brutality at the beehive and the swamp bar, two of the few peaceful places in the painful and both devoid of predatory men hunting for buddy - lisa has no qualm with any of them. but marty? brad could hardly even get a full sentence out before killing him on the spot. i dont doubt that that has a great deal to do with lisas presence. 

ok i talked for a while LMAO but basically i think that, in a more metatextual sense, lisa and buddys relationship really strikes me as an accurate depiction of generational trauma. of course it was intentional with the more obvious trauma chain (marty to brad to buddy), but the trauma chain of marty to lisa to buddy is rarely ever addressed due to lisa not physically appearing in the painful. however, i believe it may inform buddys actions a great deal more than people realize - after all, buddys experience is unique, but who could understand it better than lisa? who knows that sort of pain, of being alone on an island, the lone woman trapped with a man (or men) who want nothing more than to cause you harm? even without her realizing it, lisa is guiding buddy, encouraging her to take back what is hers no matter the cost, to punish those who would try to take what they want from her. lisa might be dead, but she is a vengeful presence throughout every game, and buddys actions feel like theyre meant not only to save herself, but to avenge lisa, even if she doesnt realize it. at the end of the day, buddy and lisa both get to exact revenge against all the men who have wronged them, and they succeed. they are aggressive, and violent, and selfish, and ANGRY - and they have every fucking right to be. 

Escape: To Salvation Ch: 20

Blake X Val

Summery: Blake wakes up in the hell town known as Templegate. confused and alone he must fight through both his past and present for his future. however, hallucinations of festering demons haunt him along with something else more of mortal blood. now he must fight to keep his nightmares and reality separate or succumb to the deadly wilds. however is he truly as alone as he feels in this world?  

status: complete

rated: M - fowl language, sensitive topics, and gore

previous chap: Escape: To Salvation CH:19

next chap: END

_____________________________________

~Ch:20 Salvation~

“whats wrong?” Val asked, noticing his sudden stress. “they know we're here.” Blake spoke with inner dread rising. Rushing over to peek between the window curtains. Seeing many in swat gear swarming around the hotel. “fuck, fuck, fuck!” Blake breathed, panicking on what to do. Val remained seated. She was just as aware of the situation from Blakes expressions. “maybe we could go through the bathroom window?!” he whispered. “there is none.” Val stated, remaining calm. The two standing silently at the sound of a knock at the door. “... go hide.” he mouthed to Val. “i cant leave you to them.” she whispered. “please.” he mouthed again, desperately trying to shoo her away to hide. She looked at him sadly before going off with all the food and supplies to hide in a closet. He waited till she was fully hidden to slowly open the door. Seeing a man standing there in a full black suit with dark rimmed glasses. The man wasint very bulky with a thin tall figure. Being the same age, if not younger, then Blake. Behind him were two long walls of huge swat men leading up to the back of an Armored vehicle. “Blake Langermann?” the man asked again, the same voice from the phone. “...yes.” Blake mumbled sadly. “i am FBI agent James Cale. We're here to transport you.” the man said, holding a ID up for Blake to study. Despite wanting to contact the FBI he never did. Them racing to his doorstep with armed men being a screaming red flag to him. What if this was a Murkoff trick? What would be the point though, since shooting him now would mean less steps. “uhh … okay.” he said, carefully stepping out. Slowly closing the door behind him. “we know there are two of you.” the man stated before Blake could fully close the door. Blake swallowed nervously, really not wanting to get Val involved. Especially if this was a trap, but they could just beat the door down to grab her. “shes … not good around strangers. … especially armed ones.” Blake stated slowly, standing in front of the small amount of open door. “understood. we'll try to make you some room, but we cant spread the wall too much or it would hinder both your safety.” the man dipped his head down. Blake slipping back inside to fetch Val. Running over to carefully open her closet in case she had a weapon ready. “Val, i think its the FBI.” he told her. “you sure?” she asked. “they didint barge in and shoot us down.” Blake shrugged. Taking Vals hand tightly to lead her out. The two walking closely together out the door. Blake no longer seeing the FBI agent James. The space between the line of guards was opened by a couple feet on each side. All of their backs facing toward the two. Cautiously walking down the aisle of guards to the truck. Seeing James sitting at the very back on one side. Slowly the two stepped up into it to sit down at the far back opposite to James. Once seated, two guards hopped in to sit at the very front by the doors. Two other guards shutting the double doors from the outside. “... where are we going now?” Blake asked hesitantly. “a safe house, where you can rest safely. We also need to debrief you on how much you know.” James answered. “how'd you know about us?” Blake questioned. “we've recently started investigating some activity from Murkoff around here. We were slow to act as we wanted to surprise the remaining Murkoff owner. However she got passed us along with much of the facility information. We swarmed the labs and Templegate, managing to arrest many of the remaining workers packing. Some of them mentioned you two as they were questioned. A while later some of our watchers saw you two pop out of the woods. Sounded like Murkoff wanted you two really dead.” James answered, showing a picture of Zandra. “we had a run in with her.” Blake spoke down at the image in his hands. Val flinching as the van started up. Having everyone else tense at her reaction. “any idea where she went? We've been on her heels forever, but never managing to catch up.” James asked curiously. “no, sorry.” Blake answered sadly, handing back the photo. “i don't think it'll help, but I got this journal from the Templegate leader when Murkoffs experiment was going. Its been ruined by water though.” Blake said, handing the agent knoths journal. Trying to calm Val slightly after the journal was taken. Blake growing nervous as guards looked in her direction and looking ready to react. “we mite have something that can pick up the pen indents despite the smearing. Not all of it mite be savable, but maybe it'll piece together a bit of Murkoffs ideals here.” James spoke, flipping a little through the book before slipping it in a tightly sealed bag. Marking the bag with numbers using a black sharpie. “... is she okay?” James asked at the sight of Val. “shes ... from Templegate, ... like actually lived there for her whole life. Shes very unused to motor vehicles aside from farm tractors. This is actually her second car ride in history.” Blake admitted. He wasint sure if it was best for them to know that she was an experiment. However he knew they couldn't introduce her into society without higher help in the system. Explaining why she was acting so twitchy would make her less likely to be surrounded by armed guards. “oh, does she have any experience out of Templegate?” James asked, both interested and concerned. “no, a small taxi ride and a cheese burger was pretty much it. I am absolutely sure she doesn't have basic records like a birth certificate. That's why i am even telling you this.” Blake spoke. “hmm, ill let staff know. Processing her into modern society is going to take a major rehabilitation schedule. Think she'll do well for a physical? We will have to take blood, finger prints, and other identifying marks for a proper certification.” James asked. “as long as i am there, maybe. She really hasint had a good record with others.” Blake said, pressing on the fact of him being there for the testing. “can she talk, or read and write at all?” James asked. “yes, she can do all of that pretty well. Just not now while we're in the car.” Blake answered, trying to calm Val down a bit more. Her breathing getting greatly uneven. “at least that gives us a pretty head start on communication ability. We've had to do many rehabilitation of all kinds. The ones that lack a voice or basic reading skills are the hardest. Murkoff has caused the most of worse cases coming in.” James said sadly about the situation. “did you guys help with Eddie Gluskin's rehabilitation?” Blake asked curiously. “oh yes, and Waylons. One needed drastic rehabilitation for society and both for medical. I assume you were all over reading about the cases of those two.” James smiled slightly. “iam a reporter, that was the biggest news anyone's every gotten on TV before. Especially all the court cases after.” Blake smiled back. “the one good thing about all this is the governments got a good rehabilitation system made by now. I am going to give you two, very important, cards that you must keep at all times. These are temporary and should be replaced later after your settled with more secure cards. These will be like IDs that make sure you two wont be separated.” James said, tapping the metal wall next to them. A small bin unlocking to open up with a key board and a mini printer beside it. James grabbing two white pieces of thick cardboard, slipping them into the printer. Typing some thing down onto the small printer screen. “whats her name?” James asked. “val, no last name that i am aware of.” Blake answered. “can she borrow your last name? Its easier for record keeping.” James asked. “uh, yeah.” Blake answered, feeling strange that a person he wasint married to having his last name. James typing in a bit more. Pressing a final button before the two cardboard pieces printed out fully laminated with a bar code, a line of blue coloring with basic information about the twos looks. “do not lose these. It'll be a lot of paper work to replace. The more official cards will contain much more data like her rehabilitation schedule, Medical info, etc. I assume your close, but I don't know if you'll like to be in charge of her. We can have someone else hold her personal records if you don't-.” James offered, handing the cards over. “no, I want to be involved with everything.” Blake interrupted while taking the cards. Wanting to make sure his stance was clear. “ will you be with us when we stop?” Blake asked, growing nervous at all the new info. “only to inform you on where to go and whats going to happen. I have a really important meeting about this to higher ups. Digging up Murkoff facility's is extremely important to us. If we keep this up Murkoff mite not have any facility's in the USA soon.” James smiled. The two talked for quite a long time. Going over what Blake needed to do once they reached the facility. The armored vehicle driving through a heavily gated area into a guarded garage where they were dropped off. Val leaping out as soon as the guards moved. Breathing in large amounts of air as she calmed down. Blake standing by for her to catch her breath. “follow me, ill get you set at the front desk.” James smiled, walking slow as Val was still calming down from the ride. “they'll set you both up for a full medical examine. Any concerns or old injury's please tell the doctors about them. After medical they'll assign you proper cards, room and boarding. that only you two will share. That should be it for today. Tomorrow someone will drop by to help you further.” James explained as he brought them to the window. Giving a few instructions to the worker there. Handing off the bagged journal to an archiver. “thank you.” Blake smiled to him. Starting the process they had to go through. The medical examine giving them properly updated medication for any disease exposure. Wounds were cleaned, bandages set, in the end Blake felt better then he had in a long while. Things were looking up for them both.

_________________________________________ 4 months later somewhere far off in a different state. Were two, 2 story white houses in the middle of the golden grass country. Empty hills as far as the eye can see and one long dirt road the two houses shared. The two houses having a good space of 6 blocks away from each other. One being at the very end of the shared dirt road and the other being closer to the main tar road. The sun shone through the windows to blare down on the sleeping form in bed. “uugh.” Waylon groaned as the sun burned his tightly shutting eyes. Stretching in bed before groggily getting up to dress in new clothes. Heading through a side door way into an office like area with a computer, cabinets filled with files and sticky notes on a white board with messy writing all over. After booting his computer he looked to one wall covered in strange objects. A broken mask with old blood stains remaining of what was left of john Barker. Multiple letters from Beth on how well her family was doing since their separation from the FBI quarters. His sons report cards, and just bills. after him and Eddie escaped mount massive, the apple town, managed to reach FBI, avoided Eddie going to jail after all those court hearings, and entered their protection things had been going well. Waylon got back into security coding, using a different name of course. Making good money enough to afford what was needed to live comfortably. He headed down the stairs, passing Eddie cooking in the kitchen. “morning darling.” Eddie happily spoke, getting a half awake mumble back from Waylon. Which was the normal response. He was never a morning person and Eddie was always the early riser of the family. Waylon walked down the little stone path to their mail box. Collecting the days mail before heading back inside. “what did we get? Eddie asked as he set a plate of breakfast down. “another letter from Beth. Bills and the usual 20 letters from news reporters.” Waylon said, looking through the thick stack. Spam or letters from the news stations were immediately trashed. “you think after not answering them for 3 years they'd stop.” Waylon spoke as he opened bills first. “they certainly didint stop at first when we had that FBI sniper in our yard.” Eddie chuckled as he sat down with his own breakfast. “that whole situation was just awful, cant believe it got so bad.” Waylon muttered as he ate some bacon. “they really wanted pictures of our wedding. I cant blame them for trying.” Eddie spoke before eating a bite of pancake. “cant get good pictures while pretending to be an empty cardboard box. Glad that agent kicked him in the face when he found him. You got Noah up for the bus right?” Waylon asked, realizing it was way past the school pick up time. “yes, don't worry love.” Eddie nodded. “crap, I still need to tell artisan about the parent conference at school in a few days. Keep forgetting about that.” Waylon growled at himself. “it is almost afternoon, hes probably awake by now if you want to go talk.” Eddie spoke, taking another bite of food. “after breakfast, before I start on work.” Waylon answered, eating some food. Feeling grateful that artisan adopted his son. It definitely prevented his son from getting harassed for interviews since artisan wasint connected to them. Most just saw him as the old neighbor caring for his grandson, while just so happening to live next to crazy famous people. Also prevented teachers from jumping down Waylon and Eddies throats on how “unstable” the two were to be caring for a kid. Eddie especially would be a target of aggression at parent teacher meetings. Most didint want to get involved with him, while others tossed accusations for 15 minutes of fame. Any slight movement toward them would have caused all sorts of hysteria about how he tried to “murder” them. Adding onto that pile was all the massive scaring they bared. Looked as if they were tossed through world war 3. Waylon had metal rods for half a rib cage. A pale patch on his face from where it was skinned and replaced at a hospital. Smaller or larger scars from grenade shrapnel a Murkoff employee threw at him. Knife wounds from self mutilation during his Murkoff engine panic attacks. Eddie being just as bad. Old wobbly scars on half his face from testing, other side having that large L scar. A massive scar going along to over his spine from scraping a sharp river rock. Two circular scars from his impalement. A thick long line in the middle of his stomach from when Barker stabbed a ton sword through his gut that took a bulldozer to remove. And both having multiple bullet wounds here and there. The massive governmental FBI therapy helped wound recovery. Especially with Eddies rebuilt stomach system needing a strict diet. Very rarely did the two go out, especially not Eddie. Many were aware of his famous background and Waylon didint want to risk Eddie being accused of something vile for some asshole to get famous on the news. Waylon went to only get basic needs such as grocery's. For most other things artisan was happy to go for them. Which Waylon greatly appeared as one less stressful thing. Waylon was still incredibly paranoid of people. Anxiety making him confuse faces for Murkoff workers he used to know. Therapy helped him cope better, but still not entirely. It greatly helped Eddie on the other hand. He grew less aggressive about many subjects and got help for his old family PTSD. “FBI is here.” Eddie spoke seriously. Seeing the recognizable armored van pull up. Making both tense at the sudden visit after a few years had passed without them. Deep inside they were also paranoid of it being Murkoff, although they havint dealt with those monsters since their escape. It parked in front of their house. A knock soon being heard at the front door. “ill get it.” Waylon sighed as he stood from the table. Walking over to a speaker intercom by the multiple lock covered door. “what?” Waylon asked a little aggravated. “agent James Cale. We need to sit down for a serious talk Mr. park.” James spoke, holding up his badge to a security camera outside the door. Waylon didint answer at first while studying the badge thoroughly. Grumbling as he slowly unlocked the door. “come in.” he said neutrally. He always hated the FBI visits when they happened. They always carried bad news with them it seemed. “thank you.” James spoke as he followed behind to the living room. Waylon sitting tensely on the couch opposite to the one James sat on. Already feeling emotionally tired from thinking what the news was. “FBI has a proposal for you. We want you to join a team to infiltrate a Murkoff facility.” James spoke as clearly as he could. Getting a wide eyed expression of surprise from Waylon. “WHAT?!” Waylon shouted. Getting the attention from Eddie in the nearby room. Which the agent didint want to start out with. Sure, Eddie was less aggressive toward strangers, but as soon as Waylon didint like them, he certainly didint either. “easy, let me finish. Please, just let me get it out.” James begged, already becoming nervous under Eddies death gaze from the other room. Swallowing at Waylons own death gaze on him as well. “a little while ago we raided another Murkoff facility in an attempt to capture the remaining owner. You know how long we've been after her. We feel with all your knowledge from working under and facing Murkoff, you can lead a team to capture her. Together, of course.” he blurted the very last bit to keep Eddie pacified on possible thoughts of separation. “look, we barely got away the first two times. When I hacked Murkoff, they caught me. What makes you think we can lead a team?” Waylon stated, already feeling half done on this conversation. “you were caught, yes, but you actually hacked them. And still manage to hack them for us when we ask you to. Nobody on this case knows as much as you two do about Murkoff. About their facility's, records, the experiments they do. You had a massive inside experience that we cant get anywhere else. All others are too damaged to help or are found in a body ditch. We have been setting up a team for a while now. Despite your answer the task is going to work. I want to mention that there are two specific people on the team. With very similar cases like yours. Both were trapped in a massive Murkoff experiment. One was a healthy outsider, the other was an extremely aggressive patient. After a facility fallout they escaped and fought or hid from Murkoff till they made it to a city where we picked them up after a raid. They've shown massive leaps in therapy and helped us with tracking down the Murkoff queen. They were on board with this huge operation. With how they are, we helped them be more prepared for field duty, but we need someone for the inside, with technical capabilities like yours. A hacker basically, and don't worry about supplies. We wont be sending you off with just a bagged lunch and a good luck card. We will thoroughly be training you with the team and getting you fully armored gear specially fitted for you and what ever else you ask for.” James explained. “do you think you'll come on board for this operation?” James asked. “no.” Waylon answered with no hesitation. “wha, why not?!” James asked. “do I have to do it?” Waylon asked. “no, but are-” James started. “then hell no.” Waylon repeated more firmly, getting up from his seat. Completely done with the conversation. “wont you think about it?! Please Waylon, this is extremely important! You cant just-.” James spoke in urgency as he followed Waylon. Knocking into the wall of muscle known as Eddie who stepped between them. “oh, uh, hi. Eddie, Gluskin, AH! PARK, SIR-!” James blurted nervously. Remembering too late that Eddie had a different, one he less hated, last name. After getting officially married, Eddie took Waylons last name. He never wanted his darling to have the stained name of his monstrous father. This mistake only had Eddie grow more aggressive toward the shorter agent. Walking into him to force him back with a intense glare from his cold eyes. “uh, Waylon. Waylon? Waylon?!” the agent shouted urgently as Eddie kept aggressively forcing him back. Finally grabbing him to literally throw him out the door into the dirt. Slamming the door shut with a huff. “waylon, please think about this. We really need your help on this. Its a mater of national security at this point.” James pleaded from outside as he got up. Waylon opening the door to face him from the entrance. “why an issue of national security?” the words having peaked Waylons interest. “its gotten far too big for the united states. You know how Murkoff had a facility in the arctic, how they have places in different country's. Well, some of those country's don't want to get rid of Murkoff. They make weapons for them. More advanced then what our military finding. … we believe Murkoff is making newer and bigger facility in those protective country's. We have to move now and cut off the head of this or its going to be impossible.” James spoke seriously. “... why cant you just destroy the facility like all the others?” Waylon asked. “country's wont let us. They'll take it as an invasion and get a WW3 on our hands.” James answered. “so technically, the small team I would be in, would be invading a country?” Waylon asked. “in a way … there's a small up coming window. The remaining Murkoff owner is going to a facility in south America. I cant say the details on where out here. Our leak says this is the last facility on this side of the earth. If we don't catch her then. Then things are going to get worse and we wont have another free pass like this again. You have a week to decide. After that you wont be able to get on board. … this is getting bigger then a lot of us Waylon, and id think about your sons future if I was you.” James spoke, wiping a bit of dirt off before heading back to the armored vehicle. Waylon watched him leave down the road before slowly closing to lock the door. Letting out a nervous breath of air he hadn't realized he was holding. “you okay?” Eddie asked, concerned. “yeah, just stressed.” Waylon answered. “Are you really thinking of going to face Murkoff again?” Eddie asked. “... maybe. We've already taken most of them out. Might as well finish what we started so long ago.” Waylon breathed.

___________________________________________

Death Toll

Four villages...

Farris had drunk himself under the table at a small tavern tucked away in the woods. The people of the region were losing their minds, fleeing to cottages hidden in the mountains. Many had trained guard dragons out of fear of a sudden night fury attack. Others had started mindlessly killing any dragon they saw out of that same fear. At this point, Farris had spent more time keeping people from murdering their neighbors pets than he had actually nailing down a way to stop Indigo. 

Guilt also wracked his body. He had finally attained freedom and his first task of helping those around him had done nothing to stop the mindless slaughter. He took another gulp of beer. I can’t believe this...so much death so quickly. It’s like he doesn’t even remember our talk. Doesn’t he realize he’s going to get his family killed?

Farris had done his best to help the villages that he predicted would be Indigo’s next targets to prepare for an attack. But if this problem had started as a candle, Indigo had dumped approximately a gallon of gasoline on it at this point. He was about to stand up, when a thin hand with painted fingernails sat him back down. “Hold on a second big guy...”

Farris jumped and saw the form of a...man? Yes, it was a man, just a very finely dressed one who’s charcoal eyeliner was on point. He looked to be in his late forties to early fifties, outrageously clear skin, clean shaven head, and a dignified white mustache that fed into a pointed chin beard. Farris attempted to sober himself. “Yes...” He slurred. “Ssss-sir?”

The older man leaned on the bar with an elbow. “I’ve seen your work sounding the alarm...you’ve dealt with this phantom man?”

Farris narrowed his eyes. “Him and worse if you can believe it...” Although now that Farris thought about it, Rhenco didn’t typically kill people, not like what Indigo was doing at least. “What’s it to you?” He asked, although not un-politely.

The man held out a hand and Farris shook it. “Call me...a business man. A business man who just had one of his entire warehouse destroyed, employees killed, and families to support out of the treasury because of it. Now tell me...this phantom, have you tried to reason with him?”

What an odd start to a conversation...

“Yes...” Farris said warily. “He disregarded it though, and destroyed a handful of towns so quickly I can scarce keep up.”

The business popped a bit of dried fruit in his mouth. “Why...?”

Farris shook his head. “He hates humanity. He has no capacity to reason. And he seemingly cant be killed so he can get away with it.”

The man sniffed once and rolled his eyes in thought. “Well then...If you can’t talk a man with a sword down...and you can’t beat him in a fight...what is there left to do?”

Farris’s eyes narrowed again. “What?”

The man held up a finger. “You find a way to take away his sword.”

Farris’s eyes were still squinted, and then they widened a little. “No...” He breathed.

“Yes...” The man said dryly, looking bored. “And you are the perfect means to help it happen. Given your work on the phantoms...eh...case I guess?”

“I will not kill dragons under a madman’s control, it’s not their fault.” Farris growled. 

“Are they really under his control?”

Farris hesitated...based on what he had seen. Even if they were under his control, they were in no mood to reduce needless violence. It was rather unlike most dragons in fact, especially ones as intelligent as night furys. He shook his head again. “I can’t afford another village to fall, but I can’t do what you’re suggesting! It’ll only prove him right about humans.”

“So what?” The man said with a raised eyebrow. “Let him wallow, it’s not like he’ll have the dragons to kill village. Its also not like he’d stop anyway. He’ll have to do it all himself, and that, that is a much easier situation to deal with. Invincible or not, dealing with one thing is always better than many things.” He straightened and backed away towards the door. “Business man or not, I know when to give away something for free. So hears the deal Farris. Every village in this surrounding area is going to have arrows that are tipped with poison so bad it’ll kill those dragons offspring by association. Razor nets with similar poison are going to be locked and loaded in spring launchers. Will all of them die? Only one? Won’t really matter, anything is better than this.”

Farris stood up, his feet unsteady. “There’s still a chance to stop this! Dragons don’t have to die!”

“Neither do humans...but here we are.” The man said, just as dryly. There was no passion, or malice in his voice. Just fact stating. “You want to stop that? You better see if you can reason with him again. Because I’m putting out everything I just described on a discount no kingdom or village will be able to refuse. This phantom wants a slaughter, but he’s going to get a war instead.”

“How can you be so brazen about this?” Farris hissed. “Necessary or not, why so cold? Innocent lives, dragons and humans will die. I can isolate the phantom and find a way to stop him and only him.”

“If you could have done that in time, it would have happened three villages again.” The man opened the door. “And as for why...? That’s just how Donz’s tend to be.”

Day 1: One Bad Day...

Welcome to Kenshi, the game about living day to day in paranoia, hunger, and depression. I decided to make this blog just to show my friend Cori that this game is worth playing even if it isn't the prettiest game. Ugly games deserve love as well and especially when they have a passionate team behind it. Kenshi i have found to be among the best when it comes to organic story telling.

I feel like I should warn you, this game is not for the faint of heart. We got the Sims for that ;)

Our story begins with choosing my starting game and character creation. I began with the start called “The Nobodies”. The description says “A group of five nobodies, with nothing to their name, ready to go out and do something about it.” So I designed my team of five as my best friends and myself.

This is me. I’m not fit looking but the more fat options just make me look bloated. I’m hoping to be the tank of the group. Probably gonna do manual labor for the group if we get a village.

Alfonso is next, he is the tallest but I also think he will be our glass cannon. All damage but not much armor to attack quickly. Hopefully keeping him alive wont be an issue. His jobs will probably be farming/processing ore.

Cori is next. She wanted to be the scientist/engineer of the group so hopefully I can establish a little village relatively fast. She will probably also be a medic because in every game we play which honestly is just Overwatch she is a healer extraordinaire.

Gabe is next, he is probably the most fit of the group and in real life has been a  physical person so I think he will be a martial artist here. He also likes to make things so probably gonna be our brewer or artisan if and when we have a village.

Amanda is next and she has always wanted to farm in real life and also study architecture so she will be our engineer/farmer.

So there is the fated five of us. Spawning at the default town known as The Hub in the center of The Border Zone. All of us were immediately hungry and penniless. WELCOME TO KENSHI!

Quickly we ran outside the town walls, I was leading. There was a copper vein I had spotted not far off and a bar was close to it on the far side.

However, as we ran there we heard a commotion. The sounds of distressed shouting and shrieks of pain.

There was a fight between Dust Bandits and Bonedogs. It looked pretty even, Bonedogs are quick at attacking and the Dust Bandits have some armor and some numbers. 

So we waited for one group to fall so we can use the opportunity to strike. After all, this is the world of Kenshi. A world where you cant afford not to take chances.

The Bonedog fell and off we went to finish off the dust bandits. They were hurt and we had numbers. This confidence made us blind. 

We had just finished dominating the bandit when two Bonedogs attacked! We had no armor, we only had rusty clubs, and we were weakened from our fight with the dust bandits. Our confidence withered into despair. 

Alfonso was the first to fall.

Amanda followed suite. 

Cori did her best but fell shortly after.

Amanda managed to rouse her self into consciousness and decided to try and bandage Alfonso as best she could.

I was next to fall, leaving Gabe to face the dire odds by himself.

Unfortunately, the more Bonedogs appeared and noticed Amanda and Alfonso and attacked!

Meanwhile, Gabe finally fell. He showed enormous strength and courage. I was very proud.

Alfonso’s injuries were severe after the second attack by the dogs. He began to bleed out from his chest. If he didn’t receive medical attention soon, he would die.

So there our team lay, having made a decision that seemed favorable at first but costed them dearly. Some of us lay dying, others slowly got worse. I felt like this might be one of my shortest playthroughs.

Some how, by some miracle, Amanda regained consciousness! Her legs were badly injured and she couldn’t walk but she was alive.

Slowly she crawled to a nearby dust bandit corpse in hopes that she could locate a medkit to save Alfonso.

Cori woke up shortly after, impressing me further. This team is made of stronger stuff than I thought. 

She spotted another corpse nearby and decided to investigate.

The shockingly, Gabe woke up. He fought the longest and the hardest and still is third to, albeit begrudgingly, get back on his feet.

Gabe, the hero. Gabe, the savior. He picked up Alfonso and...

...immediately got attacked by Bonedogs he didn’t see. Nobody is perfect.

Amanda and Cori both crawled stealthy to the two having successfully aquired medkits. 

Alfonso was minutes away from death but with the two of them there was a chance.

It was only then that I realized that I was also on the brink of death, having sustained a really nasty injury and not immediately having it seen to.

Cori decided to split the medical help and heal me.

Amanda managed to stabilize Alfonso, dodging the title of first to die by a narrow margin.

Suprisingly, Gabe seems to be superhuman and woke up once more and bandaged himself a bit. Meanwhile, Cori managed to stabilize me. it looked like our group would live to see tomorrow after all!

The three conscious members decided to take refuge at a nearby trading post/bar. There they had beds to rest and heal faster.

Unfortunately this meant leaving Alfonso and I at the mercy of the wilds.

Gabe saw movement and quickly played dead. He began to truly grasp just how dangerous this world could be. Especially when you have so many friends you can’t afford to lose.

So he sneaked back while the others continued to crawl towards safety. He decided to bring at least one person with him seeing as he was the only able to walk upright at the moment. 

While Gabe became even more heroic, Cori panicked as she saw a stranger approaching. It was an Escaped Servant of the Holy Nation, wandering away from the giant cities of religious obsession. Cori held her breath...

...and the guy kept walking. Finally, some good news!

Gabe decided to take Alfonso with him. He was the one one nearest to death so proper care would do him better. I could wait, he decided.

Along the way to the bar, one of the injured dust bandits had a few words to say to Gabe and there were...

...quite rude.

Cori was the first to enter the bar and the barkeep said hello before deciding just to state at the woman crawling to the upstairs roof area. If he thought it was weird, he didn't show it.

After such hardships, she lay down in a bed and passed out. 

Amanda was second to arrive and once again the barkeep said a brief hello and just watched. Maybe this was a regular occurrence?

Gabe came shortly after and said hello to the barkeep who this time chose to remain silent and just stared at Alfonso’s butt.

Amanda lay down, her legs aching and she wished for nothing more than the pain to go away.

Gabe lay Alfonso down frowned at how guilty he felt. Though he fought his hardest, he knew that there were other options he could’ve chosen other than to fight to the end. He almost lost all his friends today.

The bar guard just stared at the beat up figured and TSKed in disapproval.

As most of the group enjoyed the safety of the nearby building, Jonathan lay unconscious with a group of Hungry bandits searched him for food.

They were quite rude about it.

Gabe had decided to come get me but the Hungry bandits spotted him!

He turned around and ran as fast as he could but because of his injuries could only manage a quick hobble. To his surprise, the bandits ran passed him!

They decided instead to attack a better armed and better trained guard outside the bar. Gabe thought he had nothing to worry about and in fact could use this as a money making opportunity.

Unknown to him, there was a cause for concern. A hungry bandit had snuck into he bar and found the sleeping warriors. Amanda had heard him running up the stairs and leapt into action. She had endured so much, she had shown much care and resourcefulness. She saved the group once, she would save it again. At any cost.

The cost... was her leg.The bandit struck her already weakened legs and severed the left leg. Amanda got half her wish, the pain in one leg was gone. The bandit heard his comrades losing outside and was determined to escape alive and ran downstairs.

Gabe saw a bandit running downstairs and a guard rushed to kill him. The dead bandit had some good loot on him so the payday would be decent today.

Outside, Gabe noticed a dead Bonedog and his stomach growled. Meat is meat, he supposed.

All the bandits taken care of, the bar once again fell to its lazy silence and gabe walked up to the barkeep to trade and purchase.

He got enough money for some first aid kits and some cooked meat which he ate gleefully. He would make a fire later and cook the bonedog meat for the group.

He went upstairs to check on the other and that is when his face drained. Amanda’s missing limb stirred an anger in him he had never felt before. Just then he remembered that I was out there still.

Gabe dashed out and began to run towards where I lay.

Movement caught his eye and he saw a dust bandit crawling away, the one that threatened him as he lay defeated in the sand earlier. The rage boiled inside him and changed course to the fleeing bandit. Kenshi, A world where you cant afford not to take chances.

With bloodstained hands, Gabe left the naked corpses and walked with his new set of bandit armor towards me. 

He dressed my body in armor as well from other bodies and began to carry me back to the others.

It was then that Alfonso woke up and saw the faint outline of Gabe in the darkness. He ran outside, careful not to exacerbate his injuries, and began looking for Gabe and maybe food for the group. He felt the guilt of being the first to fall.

He had no problem finding armor.

Now all he needed was food.

He found a recently vacated den of Bonedogs nearby and the attacks became clear. They were just protecting their pups this whole time. He found a piece of meat by the pile of bones and a polearm weapon. Probably belonging to a past victim of their protective parenting.

Alfonso walked back to the bar and found the security force fighting what seemed to be the last Bonedog in the area.

Meat is meat, Alfonso also concluded.

Gabe reached the bar as well and laid me in bed. Alfonso and Gabe both looked at each other in exhausted relief that for now, they were together once again.

Do you have any headcanons about the Cullens :)?

Okay so I have a lot of these so imma go by character lol

EDWARD * Edward is obviously like super edgy especially before Bella * He definitely went to bars and poetry reading to sulk * The garage days for sure had some underground music * I think Emmett would play the guitar and Alice the tambourine jasper on drums and rose either singing or completely rejecting the band. * So Edward also knows how to play the electric piano. * Esme and Carlisle love listening to them even if some songs r terrible. * Edward has a diary no one can tell me otherwise * Someday after Bella and him r married and he’s busy with ness Bella definitely finds his diary * She is super nice about it and makes sure to never tell Emmett Bc he would never stop making fun of him. (It’s super embarrassing) * Edward loves to play with ness and take his family out on trips. * Jacob grows on Edward but there is some fights for sure * “I DONT WANT NESS ON A MOTORCYCLE” * “DUDE SHE CANT EVEN GET INJURED” * “I DONT CARE ITS NOT SAFE FOR HER” * He’s very overprotective * That’s it for Eddie boy

ROSE * She likes to go to big makeup stores. * Each town know her and Alice to be big spenders when they’re out shopping together * Emmett comes with to tell her how good she looks (he genuinely likes it) * She absolutely adores iPhone and could easily become a makeup YouTuber or instagramer * She loves to see everyone comment on how beautiful she is* She loves dressing ness up and buying her clothes * She teaches Ness to have a lot of self confidence * Boys always gawk at the family when they’re out together

EMMETT * Emmett just 100% goes with the flow of everything. * He for sure joined a fraternity at some point and rose hated it * All the sorority girls tried to get at him but he always refused and would show them rose* Rose often came made out with him and left just to mark her territory * All his frat brothers were hoping she would dump him so they could get a shot at her. * He wanted to major in medical science but once things started getting blood into them he had to switch majors. * Probably sports advertisement or something with sports * He’s a total dude bro * Rose definitely taught him how to do hair tho * He’s hella good at braiding and doing makeup for rose and Alice * He’s not ashamed of it at all * “Yes I do my girls hair. Can you even see her bro! I’d do anything to keep her happy” * That’s it for now lol

ALICE * Alice is basically an open book * After Edward and Bella’s wedding she decided she wanted to be a wedding planner for a while * And damn she is efficient * She still shops for the family including ness and jacob now * Jacob hates it but ness makes him wear it * Alice is still a big spender and loves all her nice things * She defiantly donates all her old clothes too (and her families even if they aren’t done with it) * She’s big on volunteer work and helping others. * She’s just a really good person honestly

Jasper!!! * Jasper loves Alice like a lot * He will tag along and do anything she asks * He brings her flowers all the time and gifts he thinks she will like. * He always try’s to surprise her but obviously it never works * They r like completely in love * Jasper tells ness stories about the war * Ness doesn’t really like them but she listens anyway * Jasper gets very passionate when talking about things he likes and went through * He makes sure everyone knows they’re worth it * He also trains super hard to wrestle Emmett and beat everyone in baseball

Renesmee * got her dad’s edginess when she was mentally a teenage * Defiantly rebelled but got away with nothing Bc come on look at her family * Jacob for sure helped her rebel * She went cliff diving once and Bella and Edward lost it * “REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME!!!” * “Mom dad chill seriously, no big deal” * Alice gets very bothered Bc she can’t see ness’s future * Ness loves that * She spends a lot of time with the pack and the Cullen’s r very on edge about it * Ness gets catcalled a lot * Like A LOT * and boys always try and get her number and jacob is always very mad about it * “Jacob chill out. It means nothing” * “Not me me Ness!” * He’s very sensitive. * Ness is extremely smart and invents things all the time. * Once she’s about adult age her and jacob get married and have some crazy kids * The Cullen’s r very excited to be grandparents. * Jacob and ness kinda brought down a lot of tension between the pack and the Cullen’s * They even got rid of the treaty line Bc they trusted them now after the whole volturi thing. * Ness was happy to be the peace bringer * In her rebellion times she may have eaten a person or two and everyone was mad. * She did it outside of town tho * The pack reamed her, jacob reamed her, her parents reamed her, the rest of the family reamed her* To say the least it was only one time. * She actually felt very bad about it and sulked like Edward. * The family eventually moved and jacob came with them * She has a very full and happy life like a normal teenage to adult girl * She eventually dies and the whole family is heartbroken * Jacob was too and soon died after her * It was a devastating loss after all those years.

Carlisle and esme * very happy with their new life * Bella and Ness really completed the family * Eventually someone else will join their coven again * Esme just loves to have her family grow * There isn’t many problems In the household when everyone is vegetarian * Esme defiantly goes to the hospitals Carlisle works at to mark her territory * All the nurses crush on Carlisle * Carlisle is too oblivious with his work to notice them* Carlisle is very emotional when someone dies in his hospital * Esme always comforts him* Sometimes ness does too

Bella * spends a lot of nights with Edward * They definitely finish their honeymoon at isle Esme after Ness is full grown * Sometimes Bella forgets Renesmee at Charlie’s * Charlie stop asking questions but knows something weird is happening* He still loves them no matter what * Bella snoops a lot and does a lot of research because she loves learning about her new world. * She often teaches Ness these things * She fights with Emmett a lot (playfully) and she wins everything within the first year but Emmett starts winning more in the second * Bella is very upset about this * Ness loves watching them fight * Ness challenges Emmett eventually and ness is actually quite strong * Emmett and Ness start wresting a lot more until Ness beats him once * Emmett was super impressed * Bella gets nervous every time she fights a vampire even though she is just as strong * Bella and Edward always try and protect her even when she is being rebellious * Rose Alice and Bella all get very close and often go out to brunch with ness. * Endless catcalls honestly * Bella still gets confused when it’s at her Bc she forgets that she is beautiful. * She always expects it at her family

Thanks for the ask and I’ll do more requests like this in this format if you guys want. My asks r always open ❤️ sorry it’s so long and has like a million typos lmao 😂

We have been up for 2 days. I accepted years ago that this has to be part of my life. He's a package deal. But I am so tired. I do it with him. Idk y. I don't enjoy it most times. But I'm also afraid and to sleep while he's up. I learned not to the hard way.... A part of me wants my life back. My before life. But I know it will be the fight of my life. And I'm not ready. I sometimes tell myself that this was God's plan. I believe that each of us have at least one person that they are mentally to impact in some way and set in motion a positive path. Or bring a lost soul to God. God made me strong and brought me this man. He had to put me thru it to equip me to be wha this man needs. Maybe I'm the only one capable of sticking this journey out with him and bringing him out other side with me. That's why my addiction is so odd. My husband gets locked up from time to time, and when he's gone, I don't do any dope, I smoke my weed. But with the dope, he does my shots, from start to finish. He twirls the bowl. I don't want to know how. I tried once, he got arrested at the end of an 8 month horrendous, traumatizing bender. Suddenly my person is gone and I've been up for weeks. I tried to do it myself. I had the audacity to tell him about it at visitation, because he has always hated doing my shots. He feels enough guilt over where my life is and where it was. He's scared that bnb if I die, he will go to prison. So I always take sure my prints are on it too. He's not ready to even see that he needs to change. I can see that it weighs on him sometimes. And he will want to do better. But then he has no way to stop the guilt, the pain, self hatred. The high and associated relief are his constant and a very erratic life. I'm aware of all this and more. I'm aware I could be completely wrong and he really is just a piece of shit junkiethat destroy a family by joining it. I can't even fault him for that. My kids adored him. And he them. He had a family finally. He was know where near ready to be a step dad. But he gave it an honest try. Then again maybe I just rrwa lly ne ed there to be a greater purpose beh9nd all this, losing my babies, my self respect, my family. Everything.

I can't hate him for being selfish and out for number one, it's all his life has really ever been. I can see what drives everything about h, I study him cause I have never met someone that level of addicted. I cant explain why his thought processes fascinate me, I have to study them til I understand them. Which is hard to do because it's so complex and I'm juggling moneyissues, homelessness, the hustle, him in general, and the dope. The more I learn him, the more pity I feel and I cant leave. I love him to a fault, but I am not ready to abandon him to his demons. He won't survive it with any sort of sanity. He would argue with me on that but it's the one thing I believe with no doubt, he does need me. I think he knows it deep down. He knows I'm 100% on his side. Even if he dont like how at times. He knows I'm real. Even if he tells u I'm not. It's like his pride and years of telling me in so inferior refuse to allow him to recognize anyachievements, no matter the size. I know this but I forget every time we fight, cause it's his defense mechanism with me, it's about the only thing that works. He will reach I to the depths of cruelty and verbally destroy me. He knows what hurts me too. He has left scars that will never go away. I will never forget his eyes and voices and the feeling of my own pain at things he has said. My first husband beat me, that's not how u hurt me. The act of being able to hurt me, that really hurts. My now husband has gotten physical a few times. I cant hate him for it long because I see how much he hates himself for it. But that pride tho, he wont apologize verbally, but he will show me best he can that he's sorry. He knows I deserve better. He went thru a phase where all the blame was put on me for not leaving when it first started, woth the dope and us losing the kids. I tell myself I pushed him too far. It's no excuse I know. But I know how much weighs on him daily, and when substances are u introduced, well I am the embodiment of a large portion of his pain and stress and guilt. I forgive him because I know he's not mentally able to deal with all that and day to day life without help. To stubborn to ever agree with me but I just k ow I'm right. Cant explain that but it's never led me wrong. I shoulder as much as he will let me. And getting high and drunk and my mouth can sometimes push him too far, exacerbates things.

I knew he was a 'recovering' addict when we met. But he only smoked weed when I met him. I thought all that was his past. I didn't mind weed. I didn't personally smoke when we met. I was a divorced mom to 3. We were all finally happy and stable after my horror of an ex-husband. Idk y I fell in love with this man. But I did. He was my first serious relationship in the 2 years since. I never even missed sex, I wasn't lonely. I didn't miss that kind of love until...I was reminded.

8 mos later, we have a place together with my kids. Then a neighbor moved and offered my husband dope. He hid it for a little bit. But I picked up on his different behaviors and made him tell me. Then I wanted to smoke some too. I'd heard of Meth. But I grew up very sheltered by a pill head. I didnt know that when this gorgeous man told me he used to be an addict that he meant thousands of dollars and many hears of hardcore IV drug use. Herion, bar salts. His drug of choice was simply, more. He named his addiction Maria. He needed that relief so badly that once he discovered its power to 'fix' things, he personified his addiction. Maria has been his stability. Shes lways there when everyone else let's him dow. I can understand the desire not to feel. So badly u wanna die. But I was raised different. U can be weak, but dont stay weak. .

But by the time I realized that he didn't recover from his addictions, he fled his former home state and had no access to those things here. He was big on the run big ti.e qhen we met. Hes a hardened city boy. I'm a small town countrygirl. He let me smoke with him. A week later, hes got a needle. I have never seen a pill snorted. I wanted him to let watch him and he did. Seeing the man I love so in thrall to drugs, it broke my heart for him. Women pray to God to see a man look at them with that look. His addiction borders worship. As I write this we are also high with a few friends, he just finished fixing his shot and has decided to ask them to film him. I cant keep going. Thats bothers.me and ill to tore up now to try to figure out my feelings. So I'll wrap this up. My emotions are going every where and I really hate him like this. I hope he watches his video and hates himself. I love him and wint leave him to feel all that guiltalone, that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to feel most of it. God knows I feel my fair share. I promise myself one thing, I will not live like this forever. I'll keep looking for my way out. I'll keep praying for strength to leave. Or for God to open his eyes. I know better than to preach too much at him. He usually shuts down as soon. as he realizes what I'm saying. But I still try. He doesn't know it yet, cause he has never felt it before, but I love him enough for this. I will win this fight. Even if he hates.me in the end. (Forgove any typos, I'm intoxicated and when I get adamant about a topic, I type too fast)

BLONDE AND BUBBLY: 02.15

an in this episode: we talk about your favorite couples from the hills!

madi: hi sexies! i’m madison ware and you are listening blonde and bubbly! this week is the week of love and for that i have four amazing guest for you guys! but before i present them, i’ll tell you which fantastic champagne we will almost all drink today! so the bottle of the day is an Armand de Brignac Gold Brut. without further ado, i’ll tell you guys our four guests! we have kazi and mia, and jinyoung and atlas! two married and solid couples that i have the pleasure to be friends with. i’ll start to interview jinyoung and atlas, then i’ll finish with mia and kazi!

madi: welcome atlas & jinyoung on this special valentines day episode of blonde and bubbly! I'm so hyped to have you guys!! Lets start without further ado with the first question: how long have you guys been together?

jinyoung:  over eight months I believe or in about that

madi: how did you guys meet?

atlas:  we grew up in busan, south korea, together, going to the same school and all though we weren’t actually friends. i always had a crush on him but i actually bullied him quite a bit because i was dumb and couldn’t even be nice to him. he ended up leaving to start training at bighit and i never really saw him until i came to the hills and we reunited

madi: this is so adorable!  what's your favorite memory of you guys?

atlas:  i have too many memories to choose from but i think getting to go with him on tour and see him do what he loves. it was really amazing to see how outgoing he was on stage and how he and the fans interacted and he even came down from stage to kiss me at every show so that was nice

jinyoung:  oh wow there’s so many. but i believe my favourite was when I took him to a dog cafe. you should’ve seen the way be lit up.

madi: awww!  who's the messiest?

atlas:  umm probably me, jinyoung is a clean freak and always is cleaning the house

jinyoung:  him. he probably said something about me cleaning the house. i like things clean. plus it gives me something to do

madi: i see..  what's your biggest pet peeve about your significant other?

jinyoung:  his stubbornness, in a way. my god, can that man get jealous. I want to smack him over the head sometimes but it’s not major.

atlas:  probably that he doesn’t realize how beautiful and amazing he truly is, but i’m working on it. he will realize it sooner or later.

madi: this is so adorable.  what's one thing you like the most in your significant other?

jinyoung:  his eyes, they’re what made me fall in the first place. he likes to believe he’s not soft but I could see it in his eyes, they’re warm, like home

atlas:  definitely his heart, he has the purest and kindest heart i’ve ever witnessed in a person. he sees the best in everyone (even if i don’t approve of it sometimes) and always wants to help make people feel better and make the world a better place. he truly is an angel

madi: im going to cry this is too much.  do you guys have any special plans for valentines day?

jinyoung:  uhh not that I’m aware of. I don’t make a big deal out of it because I think if you love someone it should be shown everyday not just go all out on the one day. but with that i’ll probably do something for him, maybe not big but meaningful

atlas:  i do have something planned that he does not know about and it will remain a secret until further notice

madi: oooooh...  Where was your first date?

jinyoung:  an aquarium. I love aquariums. anything water related tbh. i don’t even think I talked to him all that much I was too into the animals, but it was fun and he was very sweet.

madi: i love aquariums too!  What's your favorite thing to do together?

atlas:  personally.. my favorite thing to do with him is make breakfast. Well.. I normally make the pancakes and he will make the tea or cut the fruit. We are super domestic and always do stuff around the house together and take our dog for a walk or play with our cats, but I’d say waking up to him and then cooking breakfast together is a big favorite.

jinyoung:  I’m stuck between two. mornings, waking up to him and making breakfast and then watching the stars. those are just us things. the little things.

madi: this is all very romantic, i love it.  thank you so much for participating in this episode of blonde and bubbly, it was a pleasure to have you guys! I have one last questions for you guys; if you could give any relationships advice, what would it be? Thanks again for coming!

jinyoung:  ahhh you’re very welcome madi thank you for letting us on an episode. and oh gosh okay, um my advice would be communicate. I know a lot of people say this probably but it really is a big part. talk to each other, it can be hard sometimes but in the end it’s better. don’t hide things especially on how you’re feeling. whether you’re uncomfortable, or wanna try something. be open minded and respect each other’s choices. don’t wait to say things, just say them.  

atlas:  oh man, I really suck at giving advice but I will give it a go. I guess… don’t look for love or a relationship, it will come to you naturally and maybe when you least expect it. It could also be the person you least expect it to be, but definitely don’t wait around and look for love because when it is time it will come to you and if it’s meant to be it will be so amazing and life changing

madi: very good tips guys! we’ll now welcome mia and kazi!

madi: hi guys! tell us how long have you guys been together? 

kazi: been together for over a year, been married for 6 months, been crazy abt mia ALL the time:) 

mia: 10950.012 hours 

madi: and how did you guys meet?

kazi: we met in a lil town called toronto n she was sayin i liked toes in my butt? i hadn’t even TALKED to the lady before.. then we started dming and quickly became enemies

mia: i stayed in canada for a few months.. like two.. when i was 19 and i ran into him at a bar [wanted to know if they had mozzarella sticks] where i saw him flirting with eight different girls at once they were all competing for his attention he took them behind the bar one at a time and boinked dem all and i thought to myself well thats NOT sanitary so i started a rumor in the bar that he liked toes up his butt and he got mad and said hey, u there, stop spreading lies about me and the rest is history

madi: what's your favorite memory of you guys? 

kazi: my favorite memoryyyy idk there’s so many..when she told me she was pregnant (that‘s in the top 3 happiest moments of my life), when we got married, the whole day leading up to when i proposed n then when i actually proposed.. when we were fighting for like 2 days but we said we’d meet up on the beach in malibu to talk n we talked ALLL night n fell asleep there (didn’t get kidnapped by pirates).. when we babysat for luke and kaia the day after i told her i like her.. see there’s too many i could keep going 

mia: idk i cant pick one mostly because i cant remember my memory is terrible but also because theres so many.. but uhhh.. probably when we spent all night being weird and taking notes on each other and he was educating me about the weeknd and other artists he loved cuz i was really getting to know him and know what he loved 

madi: who's the messiest? 

kazi: i’m gonna say FATTY is the messiest esp cuz that one time he took a shit under the dining room table n it stinked the place up but i couldn’t find the freakin poop.. lil trickster 

mia: my boyfriend jose

madi: and what's your biggest pet peeve about your significant other? 

kazi: when she’s a stubborn freakin BRAT n she KNOWS i hate saying no to her so she keeps goin til she gets what she wants but i’m toughening up.. 

mia: not really a pet peeve but it just bothers me that hes kind of a pushover.. he’ll let anyone and everyone walk all over him wish he’d be more assertive and just punch someone in the face if they mess with him u know (i dont condone violence) 

madi: what's one thing you like the most in your significant other? 

kazi: i cant pick one thing cuz i love n adore everything abt her.. but i’ll say that i love her amazing sense of humor, her natural and genuine kindness, and her beautiful perfectly sculpted yiddies.. 

mia: hes so kind and genuine and loving to everyone and everything hes also really undertanding and patient especially with me 

madi: ugh you guys are so cute. do you guys have any special plans for valentines day? 

 kazi: no not yet, last year we went to paris and since mia’s pregnant this year we can’t go THAT far out but i think i might have an idea cookin so it’ll be fun 

mia: i forgot valentines day was a thing 

madi: Where was your first date?

madi: What's your favorite thing to do together? 

kazi: i think we spend a lot of time eating together we’re always cookin or doin smth food related.. that’s when we’re not havin SEX!!!!

 mia: iono i just like when its me and him [and our dogs] and we just talk for hours about anything and everything

madi: thank you so much for participating in this episode of blonde and bubbly, it was a pleasure to have you guys! I have one last questions for you guys; if you could give any relationships advice, what would it be? Thanks again for coming! 

kazi: date ur best friend it makes everything a billion times better 

mia: stay single 

madi: and that is it for today guys! i’m so glad that you accepted my offer and cant thank you enough! thank you so much atlas, jinyoung, kazi and mia for coming and participating! this is a reminder that blonde and bubbly was created by me and sabine al-masri who we all miss. and a big thank you again to mia for our amazing theme on tumblr, make sure you check it out! my name is madison ware, i’m blonde and i had wayy too much bubbly so it’s time for me to say goodbye!