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bluelionlogs · 7 years

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Blue Lion Log: Entry 2

It’s been about two days since my last log and things haven’t changed all that much. Blue’s systems seem to be undamaged from the crash, so they’re working perfectly fine in keeping the air fresh and temperature bearable for now. I have no idea how long that will last. If Coran were around, or Hunk, or even Pidge, they’d be able to calculate the time remaining with scary precision, and then would probably be able to double, if not triple, that time with their equally scary mechanical abilities. But, of course, they aren’t here. It’s just me. The most useless paladin of this Voltron group.

Why am I the one still left here? I just don’t get it!

I mean there was Shiro, and he was just… just everything really. A legend, even before becoming a paladin. A natural leader, a genuinely good person. He was the best of us. And then he was…

And Hunk! Hunk should have outlasted us all with his strength and genius! No one in the universe can match his mechanical abilities! He and Pidge should have been able to build their way out of what happened, or come up with some plan, or something. Especially Pidge, who was too smart for this whole thing. Too smart for all of us.

And… and Keith… Godammit Keith...I just…

I don’t understand. I don’t understand any of this. I feel like I’m going crazy here, but I can’t tell if it’s because of the situation or because of the noise. You would think a deserted planet would be too empty and too quiet and that’s what would send a man into insanity, but no. These blizzards just slam right up against Blue and surround us with screaming, and honestly I don’t know how much more I can take before I’m trying to mutilate my own ear canals. And the overwhelming amount of whiteness when I look out Blue’s windows— I swear I’m starting to go blind from it. Won’t be long before I start hallucinating, and then who knows what’ll happen to me.

Heads up: if you find my body frozen somewhere out in that wasteland, it’s probably because I went insane and thought I was taking a nice, long stroll along some beach or something.

That actually doesn’t sound like too terrible a way to go, to be honest.

This would all be so much easier to handle if I just had someone to talk to. I’ve always been surrounded by people, ever since I was born. And even when I was floating out in space billions of miles from home, I still had all of the paladins and alien beings we met along the way to keep me company, so this whole solitude thing really isn’t working for me. Like at all. I need conversation, and warmth, and the feeling of having someone on my side.

You’re on my side, aren’t you? Whoever you are? I mean I know we’ve only just met— in like the vaguest possible way of meeting anyone without actually ever meeting them— but I really feel like I can confide in you. Like we have some sort of bond.

And, to be frank, I really need someone to talk to and you’re the closest thing I’m going to get, so you’re just going to have to deal with my rambling. And if you don’t want to, well… screw that, I’m going to do it anyways.

But since we’re just meeting each other and all of that, I guess I should start by telling you a little about myself and where I come from. Maybe a bit about my family too, because, to be honest, my family is the absolute best. And I’m not just saying that because I’m biased.

See, I was born the youngest of four siblings in a tiny, private institution near Cardenas, Cuba called Galaxy Garrison Outpost #3, because yeah, my parents are awesome like that.

Now I get that you, whoever you are, probably don’t understand why this can be considered awesome because either a) you aren’t from Earth at all and these words are all meaningless, or b) Earth has changed so much by the time you find this that Cuba and/or Galaxy Garrison no longer exist and therefore hold no significance to you, so let me just say once again that my parents are awesome.

See, where I come from, Galaxy Garrison exists as a space exploration agency that was originally founded as a military project. It still holds a lot of military influence in the way it’s run, what with all the personnel rankings and specialized academies and a rulebook the size of a fully-grown Arusian, and that kind of makes being a Garrison officer and a parent at the same time really difficult.

That’s only counting for one kid. My parents had four. And they were still the best parents any kid could ever ask for. So yeah, they’re just a little bit badass.

Galaxy Garrison kind of runs in my family, to be honest. I’m pretty sure I have at least one great-great-great-grandparent on both my mom and dad’s sides that were part of the original organization, and every generation after that usually had one or two Garrison officers. All four of my grandparents had at least some connection to the Garrison that ranged from secretary (my paternal grandfather) to fleet commander (my maternal grandmother). My aunt on my mom’s side eventually inherited that fleet commander position when I was about six or seven-- a responsibility that meant I always saw less of her and my uncle than I liked.

(My uncle, surprisingly, actually wasn’t part of the Garrison, but he was still badass in his own way. He owned a surf shop near the Garrison outpost in California, and taught me how to surf when I eventually moved there for the Academy.)

My parents, in comparison, were pretty low-ranking officers, and they liked it that way. They met when my mom was sent from California to Cardenas to help establish a training center for the Garrison outpost and had to work side by side with my dad for several months. From what she’s told me, she originally hated my dad’s guts when they first met, but then they ended up engaged by the time the project was finished so that first impression apparently didn’t last long. And my mom was happy to pick up a desk job in the newly-expanded outpost so they could stay together, just as long as my dad took her last name when they married, which he did, and Mom always gloated over that fact.

“He got the place, but I got the name,” she’d crow whenever the story came up. Then my dad would huff and start talking about how the only reason she agreed to marry him was because he was willing to take the McClain name when all her other suitors wouldn’t, and Mom would smile but she’d never deny it. Not completely. I don’t know for sure why that was so important to her. It might have been a legacy thing. Or maybe she just didn’t like the name Sanchez.

That’s one thing I really wish I had asked when I had the chance. I guess I’ll never know now.

But anyway, despite being officers, or perhaps because they were so lowkey about it, I was the only one of my siblings to actually pursue a career with Galaxy Garrison. My oldest sister thought about it for a while, but she ended up deciding it wasn’t the path for her the year before she needed to apply to the Garrison Academy and instead pursued a passion for teaching that led her to a local primary school, a loving husband, and two impossible children-- my niece and nephew.

(I’m afraid to say they took a little too much after me and drove my sister nuts. Hopefully they won’t choose to follow in my footsteps. We don’t need more McClain’s disappearing into space, after all.)

My other sister didn’t even consider joining Galaxy Garrison. Just hopped on a plane as soon as she had the money and worked her way around the globe doing odd jobs, like the free spirit she’d always been. My brother, on the other hand, decided his future was in medicine. He was making his way through med school when I found Blue and… disappeared on them, I guess. For almost five years...

God, that must have been painful when Galaxy Garrison contacted them. I wonder what they said about me. I wasn’t even cleared for space stuff yet, so they couldn’t do another cover-up like with Shiro’s Kerberos mission. Maybe it would have been better if they had though. At least my family could have gotten some closure. Could have felt like I died for something important.

Not to say that I regret joining Voltron, but-- well no, actually I do regret it. At least a little. I mean, I wouldn’t be in this situation if I hadn’t joined Voltron. I wouldn’t be stranded alone on this godforsaken planet, just waiting to die because there’s nothing else I can do. Wouldn’t be going insane from the screaming of wind and ice scraping against Blue. Wouldn’t be alone and grieving for the two families I loved and then lost.

If I hadn’t joined Voltron, I wouldn’t have known this pain existed.

The only thing I’m thankful about right now is that, by joining Voltron, no one else had to suffer this in my place.

#fic: aperture #blue lion logs #voltron fic

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uberchain · 7 years

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Rewind 2017: Post-Thoughts

I flew back in from California a few days ago after the last stage of filming for Ready Up, and the first TF2 LAN of 2017. In the past live Team Fortress 2 events I have been privileged to have been flown out to - i55, Tip of the Hats 2015, DHW 2015, DHS 2016, i58, and Tip of the Hats 2016 - I’ve never felt post-LAN blues like the seventh event I’ve attended thus far.

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LAN, aside from a competition to see who is the best team out of all the teams competing in an equal playing ground, is a social gathering. A coming together of a community that has followed each other for a combined purpose. A forging of relationships with each other over a common passion, to know not simply players as players but players as people - as friends, as comrades, as partners, and as Redeye said: as family. This is something I would like to convey through Ready Up as we wrap up the filming stage and move forward into the editing stage from here on out. This is why me, Dashner, and Sideshow were flown out to Rewind.

Once it’s released, Ready Up may be my last major competitive TF2-related contribution. I’m in no rush to finish it, though. We’re going to take our time with it, most likely extending the date from early 2017 to late 2017 - we just want to make sure we do our best for our sponsor, the competitive community, and everyone who will watch. I am thankful for Dashner’s passion and knowledge for co-direction. I am thankful for Sideshow’s eloquence and confidence for co-interviewing. Both have taken time out of their jobs with OW for this.

I personally always want to show this community that they’re appreciated and loved, despite our differences and frustrations in how we view the same game we play. I work hard, because I feel like the community counts on me to deliver. I know I’m not obliged to do so, but I like to do so. I’ve been told numerous times that this in particular, this is not worth my energy. This is not worth my time for a community that in love is equal in hatred when you make a misstep. Some people have gone as far to tell me I’m clinically insane. These people could be right for all I care.

So what of my family then? The family one of the strongest figureheads in the esports community notices and praises fondly? When Dashner and I caught Redeye literally in the middle of ESL NY’s hallways amidst the tough and scary security, right outside the arena where the sound of matches bled out - standing in this hallway interviewing him then and there, we felt touched by his words. We were thankful for him remembering us past his stardom and status. Redeye has always tended to check in every now and again to smaller esports scenes, to see how they’re doing. It’s sweet and sincere, and knowing this was his nature made those words he gave us feel genuine to me.

ESA Rewind this last week was when I realized that I had said Ready Up would be my last major contribution to comp TF2. Like many others, bills are piling up. I owe debt. I’m rebuilding my design portfolio and figuring out the plan for 2017. There’s a lot of money I’ve invested into other future TF2-related projects I won’t ever see a return on from Valve or the TF2 community. I want to stay, but only if I can afford it (as do most sane people). As expected, the idea of never seeing my friends and family from here again is something I’m not readied up for.

Filming was wrapped on Friday after we arrived early for the European and Australian bootcamping and interviews, and B-roll was left to shoot on Saturday and Sunday, the actual game days. Dashner was manning the big guns for Ready Up (aka our expensive rentals), so I chose to focus on photo coverage for Teamfortress.tv. (There was a lack of photo coverage from i58 due to focus on Ready Up. I recruited Jasbutts and we went ham.) What I also chose to focus on was my international friends from Europe, and that’s when I got to learn more about Se7en.

Kaidus had approached me a while back to talk about his new organization and team he wanted to bring to America for Rewind, as well as future events and LANs. I recognized the Crowns champions, as well as my Full Tilt’s boys and the launching legend. He had named them Team Seven, a tongue-in-cheek response to the criticism Crowns Esports Club had faced back when Kaidus was more heavily involved in coaching it.

I like the storyline FROYOTECH presented for this LAN’s victory: they came back from their 3rd Place slump at i58 and proved that they were still one of the strongest teams to be reckoned with. Habib’s mother was there, who kept asking Jasbutts about how the game worked as she spectated it, and finally watched her son win. Nursey has successfully shut up a good narrow-minded portion of the community and became the first female TF2 player to win an international LAN in the highest bracket. Paddie and Freestate finally became part of the FROYOTECH victory roster.

As it usually goes, though, I root for the teams I’m asked to be involved with. This was on another level. I screamed my lungs out for Se7en. I knew their flaws and their criticisms. I didn’t care. It was like i55′s Ascent and i58′s Full Tilt. And some of these were Full Tilt. I liked Crowns way back then too. These were my boys. This was my team. I wanted them to win. This time, I knew their history and their players the most out of any team I had rooted for. European Prem TF2 was the scene I was watching the most at one point in my time here. FROYO got it in the end, and of course I didn’t want Se7en to lose, but I had a worse fear - I didn’t want them to leave.

Again, coincidentally - Rewind was the seventh TF2 live event I flew out to. It might be the last TF2 live event I see them at too. I didn’t realize how much I actually gave a shit about this until it hit me, that this could be the last time I’d see them play TF2. It could be the last time I’d see them attend a LAN, or go pro in another game. CS:GO or OW, maybe? I don’t know, I want them all to keep going and not...disappear? Jasmine Tea is disbanding, one of them is going off to focus on school. That also hurt, it’s always amazing having the Australians at a TF2 LAN. Yet this one for Se7en, why? My colleagues & friends feel similarly, but it’s like why do we feel like that? People come and go all the time. And underneath it all, I’m just a fan who does more shit than I should out of my love for this game and this community. What worth is my opinion?

Every time I run into Sideshow IRL, it’s uplifting to know he’s still around somewhere else. When we say our goodbyes, I usually make it a point to tell the dribbler, “let this not be the last time; we will see each other again”. It might be because we also cross paths in OW things, but it’s something I make a point to tell everybody in TF2 for my farewells, as an incentive. A promise.

I went to Blizzcon. Aside from the interviews we got there, I’ve talked to the ex-TF2 pros who have fire re-lit in their eyes, who are being appreciated, rewarded, and shine on in OW. I can’t be upset. I too was treated very well by Blizzard while I was there, to the point of tears. I don’t want to be another one of those TF2 fans who wants to hold back somebody from moving on to other opportunities, or telling them not to quit. If it’s outside of their priorities, then I’m not important, and TF2 is not important.

I understand more than ever after Blizzcon and Tip of the Hats when people need to go. There are other priorities in life. There are other things to pursue. This is why I remember telling him, “wherever your journeys may take you”. So why is it that - almost selfishly, as though I have rejected any concept of what I just learned about not holding people back, especially if I tell myself I have no significance to this player, this person I realized I ended up looking up to more than I thought - I wish I’d said, “please don’t leave yet”?

And it went similarly for many other people that I realized that, how much I looked up to them as players and colleagues, then as friends and family - and it’s like...the idea I might never see these people represent again. That I might never see these people again. That sense of absolute finale, knowing that all things eventually come to an end; knowing that people that you are proud to say are part of your life, your passion, your hope, could be temporary due to the distances you might not be able to bridge...

That every farewell hug I shared, every departing Uber I waved at, even my own Uber I was escorted to by the last friend I’d see before my flight as he turned around and walked away while my car drove off -

Fuck me, no. Not yet. It seems ridiculously melodramatic for real life. It’s almost laughable, the fact I haven’t learned. None of us have learned, to be honest. The idea of leaving for good, even on my end, never seeing those people again - I haven’t readied up for that at all.

Rewind it all for me. Take me back, remind me of why we fight so hard to attend these things. Whether you’re a player, a former pro, a production crewmember, LAN organizer holy shit the LAN organizers, or a spectator. The post-LAN blues and the LAN high that just overwhelm any sense of practical reasoning you had. And then we end up going back when we thought we were out, and we don’t learn - because we love this game too much. We love each other too much.

You desire the friendships and the relationships you’ve forged stronger together in the real world. Your heart aches to hear the laughter and see the smiles of the people you’ve befriended beyond the internet. You say shit like, “let this not be the last time, we’ll see each other again” so you can fight not just for the game, but for them. For your community.

#long post #thoughts crap #tf2 #comp tf2 #personal #in which i write the most utterly sappy bullshit to shake off before i resume kicking the world's ass before it kicks mine #portfolio here i come

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