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canaidliafail · 11 months

Text

mead & wine

kassandra x reader x eivor

College AU ( is anyone even surprised lmao ) CW: pure unedited filth

“I hope everyone happier than me dies”

“Hello?????”

Randvi said, pulling away from her book looking at you in astonishment. You rolled your eyes with a scoff and she smacked your arm hard causing you to flinch and pull away

“This is pathetic. YOU are pathetic”

“I don't know how you wanna handle your breakup but I just lost another job offer cause of her so I will stay bitter”

“Oh come on it wasn’t even that good of a job offer. Im telling you the best is yet to come”

you squinted and lowered your brows. she checked her phone and perked up at the row of messages popping up on her lockscreen. Randvi, the gorgeous and funny woman that she was, already had a new little fling going on with a girl majoring in film and she was hooked on her new found love having already long forgotten her rotten apple of an ex, Sigurd

A small smile rounded your cheeks and you rested your head on the palm of your hand waiting for her to type out her response. She put her phone back on the table and turned to look at you with a sheepish little grin and flushed cheeks

“Sorry, I’m listening I swear-“

“relax, I'm just happy to see you all giddy again. Is it going well?”

she nodded and bit her lip looking up in thought

“See I’ve had a crush on Valka for a while now…But couldn’t do anything about it…You know. Since I was already so long with Sigurd and I didn’t think my parents would be ok with me..Not being with a man but now…” her brows lifted up and her smile widened. You knew she had a clear visual of her new crush Valka as she spoke

“But the way they were so supportive and also Valka being so excited to take this somewhere its just…Its so perfect”

You rubbed her arm soothingly

“Im really happy for you. The Gods know you deserved someone who actually was present and willing to do things for you and with you and now you have someone this great, Im just really happy for you Randvi”

she nodded and then turned around to look at you

“Oh actually, We are having a gathering. We will watch a movie and play cards over at dormitory B with Valkas friends. You should join us. Would do you good to get out”

“Randvi I…” You started and looked down at your notebook. You crinkled the edge of the paper and chewed on the inside of your cheek. It had been two..maybe three months since you did anything remotely exciting that didn’t include work or studying. You had barely found a peace of mind with all the chaos that stormed your life and you weren’t sure you wanted to go outside your apartment yet

“Im sorry I’ll have to pass…”

Randvi got up and grabbed your notebook smacking your in the head

“HEY OUCH?! and second of all BITCH?!”

“You have rotted on your couch enough. The planks must have the shape of your ass at this point. Im not listening. You are coming tonight with me”

“Randvi I dont need a pick me up now-“

“yes you do and quite frankly your opinion doesn’t matter you moldy sack of starch”

“starch?”

“nothing better came to mind. Don’t dwell on that. Listen I have one last lecture and then Ill come by the apartment to pick up some clothes ok? We will get dressed up, We will look hot and we will have some good time”

you rolled your eyes and slumped further down in the bar stool

“whatever you say goes”

“Ay, There you go!”

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

Kassandra was fed up with her roommate having yet another hangover from drinking too much the night before. Kass loved to drink, certainly not as much as Eivor but she could hold her own, however this was the second day she had to go all the way down to the cafeteria to ask for ice and buy crackers for Eivor to shove down her throat. Kassandra considered replacing ice with a fist. A punch could sober her up well enough no? Usually it was her roommate being the aggressive and impatient one however today's spectacle was ruining every plan she made for the night and she had enough of it.

She slammed the door shut behind her and hit the bottom of Eivors bunk bed

“Get up”

Eivor groaned and rolled around to look at the brunette who had a nasty grin ready to toss the bag of ice on the blondes head

“You owe me one today as well which makes…a lifetime of favors of me taking care of your sorry ass”

“wasn't my fault you shitface”

she went to bark but fell back on her elbows from the pounding headache making her ears ring

“My brother is depressed from his break up and he is insufferable without a glass of vodka”

“glass eivor? You chugged down half the bars menu”

“he was growing more painful every second and I had to adjust to the task at hand”

“alright. How about the new task at hand. Half the campus saw you on his story gyrating with another girl. Eivor you were in your sports bra and was about to take that off as well”

“what?!”

that woke her up fast enough and she shot out of the bed and grabbed Kass by her shirt

“what did you say?”

“nothing. This is too entertaining for me to intervene. Fate would be mad at me you know” she said with a pout and Eivor was about to start swinging while Kassandra easily dodged every loose punch thrown her way

“ante re malaka, I'm joking. I talked to Sigurd and he took it down. So I expect you to return the favor”

“Kassandra I-!”

“you’re welcome” she said and grabbed her cheeks squeezing hard and shaking her face before tossing her off balance and letting her fall back on the bed

“So, your brothers ex…Randvi?”

“yeah?”

“Aren’t you all meeting up at Valkas today to watch movies?”

Eivor grabbed a fistful of ice and buried your face in her palms to ease the pain as she hummed in agreement

“Randvi has a friend. A friend that I like and I asked for her to bring to your get together today and since Im YOUR friend you will bring me”

Eivor let out a long sigh and before she could speak she paused

“Wait, her friend? the short one?”

“she is your height”

“fuck off, you know who I mean. The one who dyes her hair regularly and is her roommate?”

“yeah her…why? No don’t tell me-“

“Yes I will I called dibs first”

They stared at each other for a long hard moment, neither of them sure of what to do or say. Neither of them had talked to you before. Partially due to the fact that you were really confusing to figure out on whether you were single or not and you had a tendency to vanish the second they were starting to get used to your presence in the local bars. Kassandra being ballsier and hornier asked Randvi straight out about you while Eivor seemed to be waiting to feel out the mood tonight at the get together.

“Ok listen “

“No you listen” Eivor interrupted and tossed the ice back in the plastic bag

“Ill take you there and we can just have fun. I don’t know if Randvi even managed to convince her to come but at the end of the day its up to her to choose between the two of us right?”

“yeah. No hard feelings if she ends up with you”

“likewise”

and that, was a fat stack of horseshit

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

They walked down the halls to Valkas place

“nice pants. new?”

“no, had them buried in a pile in my closet. Hey aren’t you gonna catch a cold with the sleeveless top?”

“no I'm good. We will be indoors anyways”

Eivor wore baggy jeans that comfortably sat low on her hips showing her inked, sharp V lines and her hair was rebraided with new rings and stones. Kass wore a white tight top without a bra that outlined her chest in an awfully nice way with her nipple piercings shamelessly outlined through the thin fabric and if they weren’t so busy hating each others ego and guts they would have fucked each other in the elevator but currently their brain was muddy with the thought of you and how to win you over. To everyone around ,they looked like hyenas ready to pounce.

At the get together at first they only found Randvi, Valka and Ciara. Later Alexios -kass’ brothe- joined with his girlfriend and they tried not to let their sour mood show on their face. Kassandra did at least. Eivor was pouting and was rude and snappish to everybody. That was until you made an appearance walking through the door and greeting everybody without really looking at them and going straight to Randvi

“hey did you take my keys?”

“oh fuck I probably did cause I couldnt find my own” she said in faked surprise and Kass wnated to mentally high five the ging in that moment. She was a real one and she made a mental note to gift her a bottle of wine later that week

“Hey since you are here why don’t you stay over?”

“I dont know, I had a really long lecture and..”

“oh please do us the favor. I've been dying to meet randvis mysterious roommate” Kass intervened and walked up to you offering a hand in greeting. You looked up in genuine curiosity and there was an unmistakable lustful glint in your eyes

“do you now” you asked and turned your body to face the tall greek demigod - as described by Kassandra herself-

“You see a cute girl, you ask for her number. its the natural order of things” she teased and you chuckled looking to the side seemingly flustered before you attempted to hold eye contact for a little longer

“Who are you?”

“Kassandra. I’m”

“ooooh” you said and then cut yourself of regretting your reaction

“shit, didn't mean to make that expression out loud” you joked and Kass tried to laugh it off as well

shit

She didn’t like that oh. It meant you have heard of her from one of her past flings which she did try to end things on good terms. As good as ghosting someone after a one night stand could be at least. She was yanked back from a strong grip on her shoulder as Eivor stepped up to steal the spotlight

“Ease up on the girl Kass”

you turned to look at the norse and your demeanor changed in seconds

“Your braids- they are amazing. Is your hair this thick or are these extensions?” you asked and took a step sideways and towards her. Eivor subconsciously touched her braids pulling them to the front and showed them off proudly, bragging about their cultural meaning and you chimed in, perked up and eager to learn more.

Kassandra was leaning against the wall behind you having you trapped between their bodies in a way that sparked up a new idea in Kassandras filthy brain. Her eyes searched for Eivors and when they met she was sure that the same thought crossed their mind.

You looked awfully nice in the middle and the two mascs could certainly get used to such a sight

“You should come by our place. Eivor braided my hair once as well. She is skilled with her hands you know”

the brunette teased and run her fingers through your hair as if measuring the length

“If that's something you’d be into. It will take a few hours though”

she agreed and you looked behind you and then back to your front in realization of the position you were in. You shifted your weight from one leg to the other and hiked up your skirt a tad, discreetly as if to fix your outfit

“That sounds fun. I could compensate you for the effort by bringing coffee and my sunny personality”

“that sounds like a deal”

and before they could get comfortable with your presence you slipped out of the tight space they formed around you and in a smooth motion walked to the door

“Well then have fun tonight. Ill see you girls around”

and left the room. They stood there awkwardly refusing to make eye contact at how pathetic they probably looked to everyone around them. Valka let out a sigh

“Its ok you can leave”

And they both relaxed, tension leaving their bodies as they made their way to the door

“Ok ok cool cause like we-“

“Yes I know why you came. Goodnight”

The two women left in a hurry to catch up to you since you had conveniently forgotten to leave your ig handle or any other form of contact that they could reach you through.

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

It happened fast and the first time the three of you found yourselves alone. As alone as one can be at a public library. In your defense it was after hours and there were maybe one or two other students at the east end of the room where there were desks with computers while you three sat at the far back of the library on the couches by the large windows. Kassandra had snuck in a bottle of wine bragging that an uncle of hers made it himself and what was supposed to be a group study turned into a sloppy make out session with you on all fours on the couch,hands flat on the velvet fabrics on each side of Eivors thighs who had a tight grip on your cheeks pulling you in to deepen the kiss.

Eivor was a good kisser. You never thought you could ever kiss someone and reach a near death-like orgasmic state. She had skill when her velvet tongue caressed yours and the way it folded over the walls in your mouth had you begging for more and moaning in the midst of it.

“Fuck this view is good”

Whispered Kass as she pressed her thumb against the wet patch forming on your underwear. She rubbed the spot around your clit and you flinched letting out a moan. She had bunched up your skirt around your waist enjoying the view of your ass.

She looked around and leaned back to check if anyone was coming to their spot.

While you were covered enough thanks to the tall bookshelves separating the sitting areas she wanted to make sure that this view would be reserved for them alone. Kassandra didn’t care about getting caught in the midst of an indecent act but she would be bothered if anyone else would get sight so easily of what she fought to get access to for a few months now.

She adjusted her position again, spreading her legs further away to get closer to you and Eivor broke contact in that moment

“Someone’s coming?”

“No we’re good”

And before you could ask about the situation Kass was back,stimulating every nerve ending and sense in your brain by pulling your bright red underwear to the side and swiping her thick fingers through your folds collecting the wetness and leaning in to taste it. Your moan was thankfully drowned by Eivors lips crashing against her while her hands worked their way beneath your top and started caressing your chest and brushing over your nipples teasing the spot. You took the initiative to move your hand to undo her heavy belt, the noise of the metallic clasp ringing in the empty halls.

By now, Kass was knuckle deep in your pussy fingering you at a steady pace, reminding you to keep your back arched for her while Eivor on the other hand held your head low on her crotch bearing her teeth in an attempt to be quiet while you ate her out diligently. Your hair that she spent hours accessorizing with stones and rings was a mess in her tight grip now. Her knuckles were white as she pushed you against her cunt to which you obliged with content eager to push your tongue deeper in her hole, loving her scent and taste and the way her thighs twitched and started to shake from the upcoming orgasm. You yourself were barely holding on with Kassandra mercilessly destroying your pussy and whispering filthy praises all the while.

Your knees gave out the second your orgasm washed over you and you sat back on the couch resting your head on Eivors thigh while she gently caressed your hair now. Kassandra took her time to fix up your clothes being terribly tender with every move as if she was holding a priceless artifact in her hands.

It didn’t end there. Of course it didn’t. Because once they felt out how smoothly everything rolled with you three they had to keep going. So you ended up in Dormitory C and the second the door closed behind you Kassandras was already pushing you on her bed impatiently trying to get out of her baggy jean overalls while Eivor opened her closet to get out her leather strap on. Kassandra, like the whore that she was, had been strapped before they even left the house and so the minute her pants came off she eased her way in between your thighs and reached for the lube in the drawer of her bed table.

They took turns fucking you and in that moment you had the epiphany that being a whore was the best choice you took that day.

“I don’t know who to choose, they are both hot”

“Then go with both of them, Be a whore” Randvi suggested with a wink and you took her advice to heart. She would be proud tomorrow when you told her of this night over coffee

Kassandra lost all sense of time and space and by the time you all were worn out it was 5 am. You were laying on their living rooms couch, a series you forgot the title of playing on their Tv. You were on Kassandras chest, your cheek against her soft breasts while her hands caressed your hair and lower,laid Eivor between your thighs, arms wrapped around your waist and head on your sternum with her face buried in your neck near the countless bite marks that they left.

Kassandra made plans to make you breakfast. Not that she knew how to cook but she could cut up a few fruits and maybe finally use that espresso machine that Eivor bought a few months ago. The next day however the only one in her lap was her roommate who once was awake was as distraught to see that you were nowhere around

“Did she just…leave?”

EIvor would have laughed at Kassandras face for finally being the one ghosted however this specific situation directly affected her as well since Eivor was also ditched

“No, I don't think so. Wait” Eivor stood up and walked over to the coffee table to see a note left by you.

I borrowed your hoodie. Ill wash it and tell Randvi to give it to you <3

“Are you fucking with me right now?!”

Kassandra walked over and smirked

“Oh thats hot”

“Are you fucked in the head ? Like are you actually dumb?” Eivor angrily yelled and Kassandra just kept laughing

“Oh come on. Don’t tell me that what she just pulled didn’t make her that much more attractive. I say we one up what we did last night and make her ours”

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

Randvi was yelling at you for an hour half excited and half mad

“Why?! WHY?!” She held you by your shoulders shaking you like a rag doll and you just grinned refusing to take anything seriously

“Because Randvi I know the shit that they pull. Hell every girl they fucked around campus has being ghosted or cheated on or other shit. I had a good night but I don’t want to get attached”

Randvi frowned and seemed slightly let down. Hard to accept and harder to deny was the fact that indeed, Eivor and Kassandra had been leaving a series of broken hearts in their path however she could at least testify that Eivor did it because the blonde confessed to having a crush on you for a long time now and only fooled around with others until you were available.

“I think you should give it a shot. Can’t be worse than your last ex”

“No see it can because with them, sex was good”

And Randvi choked on her juice

No matter what grand plan you had to avoid getting entangled with them, The two were set on finding you and they did. Easily enough. You were drinking coffee at the cafeteria,headset on with a book in your head reading and enjoying your peaceful afternoon which they very excitedly ruined. Kassandra wrapped an arm around you sitting on the chair next to yours and Eivor pressed her palm against your lower back in greeting. You rested your headphones around your neck and looked at them

“Oh hi..ugh whats up”

Kass smirked and looked up at her roommate who licked her teeth as her smile widened. Her voice was dry, scratching that itch in your brain that made it awfully pleasing to listen to her speak and even better to hear her loud moans. Eivor caught the shift in your eyes and how the pupils seemed to dilate

“Someone is excited to see us”

“Bold” You remarked and leaned back against your bar stool your eyes going from Eivors blue to Kassandras hazelnut gaze

Why the hell not

You thought and decided to indulge them while they got comfortable around you. One thing led to another and you were yet again naked in the bathroom stall while they devoured every inch of your body.

Soon enough you found yourself more and more at their place and you would catch the way their body language changed and how they started using pet names more frequently with you. You didn’t dwell too much on that shift being someone who needed to be told things out right to understand them. You found out that according to them, you three had been dating for a month. The way you found out was at a party when a girl was hitting on you. You weren’t interested but when she asked if you were seeing anyone you told your version of truth which was

“No not really”

And word traveled fast at the party. So that night Eivor dragged you back to their apartment and had you choking on her strap while Kass pounded in you from behind

“Single huh? Is this how you get fucked when you are single then?!” She growled while you failed to see what she was angry about enjoying the delightful punishment that you were receiving

“So two ain’t enough for you? You need more people to fuck you?” Kassandra hissed while dizzy with the sight of your pussy stretched around her cock that glistened from your cum.

That night none of you were sure if someone was angry or horny or both and sat down to talk about whatever occurred at the party the next morning with coffee. You felt uncomfortable having such a serious conversation and when Kass asked

“So what are we?” You were convinced there was a glitch in the matrix. You couldn’t understand how you managed to make these two hang by every word coming out of your lips. Eivor was fidgeting with her cup while standing next to the window pretending not to care much. Kassandra had the same easy going smile but her knuckles were white from her clenched fists.

“I..Didn’t think you two considered us to be..like a thing I mean…You two are smart enough. I’m sure you know what they say about you two”

And kassandra flinched while eivor clenched her jaw

“No yeah we know but I figured since we…spent so much time together it meant something more” You nodded and found yourself melt at Kassandras visible vulnerability

“Didn’t it?”

You smiled and walked over to her gently holding her cheek in your hand and caressing the soft tan flesh. She relaxed in your touch

“I like what we three have going on. I wouldn’t mind if it were to become something more. No need to rush into anything though”

Eivor found the confidence to walk back towards you and face you

“No sure but…we want this” she exclaimed and you looked at them not believing what a turn your life had taken in less then a month.

“Alright then” you agreed and she relaxed leaning down to kiss you

“And sorry if I was a little rough with you last night”

You smiled in the kiss and shoved her face out of yours “You aren’t sorry at all” and she graced you with a wolfish grin that confirmed your statement.

•••

Im suffering with Kasseivor thoughts these days and you all should as well

#kasseivor #kassandra x reader #eivor x reader #kassandra x eivor x reader #ac valhalla #ac oddysey #kassandra x eivor #randvi x valka

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d-p-f-m · 4 years

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Take it easy |🥁|💕|📌|✔|

Seokjin x Reader |🥁|💕|📌|✔|

I love love love writing Seokjin prompts, so thanks again @btsfangirl1999 for requesting it!

Sorry for taking so long but I promise I'm working on everything as soon as I have time and inspiration!

Also thanks to my lovely beta for reading through this mess I call my writing. I'd be lost without you, girl❤🔥

Hope you enjoy!💞

Prompts:

A.) 94. Why the hell are you on the floor? + 95. I'm so tired, it hurts when I close my eyes

Word count: 5783

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

The distant ringing in the back of your mind has you writhing underneath the comforting cover of your blanket. In a silent act of protest you instictively wrap the soft fabric tighter around your body, burying your face in your pillow in hopes of drowning out the annoying noise. Obviously though, the torture doesn't magically stop on its own.

About three more minutes in and you finally admit defeat. Groaning in dispair you rip the sheets off of you in one swift movement and slowly roll on your back to extend one arm in the general direction of where your phone is supposed to be.

Without actually being able to see what you're doing, it takes you a few seconds to locate it and press the power botton on its top to cut the alarm off for good. Sighing in content at the peaceful moment of silence you allow yourself to simply lie there a bit longer before you eventually sit up straight, so you won't be tempted to just fall asleep again.

Forcing yourself to pry your eyes open you blink against the blinding screen of your phone to check the time. There is still about twenty minutes left before you have to leave for university, thank God. With all the willpower you're able to muster you heave yourself out of bed and waddle through the corridor leading to your bathroom to proceed with your usual morning routine.

Examining your puffy face in the mirror while brushing your teeth you make an unsatisfied noise in the back of your throat and grimace at your reflection. You don't have time or motivation to conceal your sleep deprived expression with make-up and usually you don't care much about things like that anyways, but seeing the dark circles under your eyes you really wish you could just crawl back into bed and hide from your responsibilities until you're finally well rested for once.

Hearing your phone buzz on the side of the sink you look at the message that popped up on screen and sigh. With finals week coming up there is usually no space for personal life already and you knew it was a stupid idea the moment you agreed to help one of your friends to plan the project for one of their classes but you just didn't have it in you to tell them no. They'd do the same for you when you need them someday. ... right?

While rinsing your mouth you brush your hair absendmindetly and stare blankly at your reflection, thinking about your plans for the day. You'll need to meet up with your friend after classes and then you have to work the evening shift at the café before rereading your notes for the first exam coming up next Monday. You can do this. No problem. You've gone through worse things in your life.

Still, as you set aside your hairbrush and reluctantly make your way downstairs to the kitchen, you can feel how every muscle in your body protests with just the tiniest movement. Walking down the circular shaped staircase has somehow made you a bit dizzy and you have to take a moment to lean against the nearest wall for support when you feel a light headache spread from your neck upwards all the way to your forhead. Probably because you've pulled an all-nighter last night again.

Seokjin would definitely scold you if he found out, he always tells you to slow down when you get like this. Of course you never listen. Good thing you didn't actually see each other the last few days even though you live together, because you're both too busy with your own lives. The only time you would have the chance to talk to each other is either in the morning before heading out, or on rare occasions at lunch break when you don't meet up with anyone else.

It seems like you've missed your chance for today though because it's so silent around the house that you assume the acting major is already out and about again and even though you don't want to admit it, you're starting to really miss having him around all the time.

It's not common for two university students of the opposite gender to be roommates and you often have to endure judging stares or rude comments about your undefined relationship with your handsome friend.

You don't mind, though. If they're nice enough to ask you about what's going on between Seokjin and you, you'd gladly explain that you're just very close friends, for the time being at least, and if they prefer side-eyeing you from afar then you'd simply ignore them. It's not their business anyways.

Yawning, you turn on the coffee machine and then make your way to the fridge to search for something to eat that will hopefully get you through most of the day. To your surprise there's a box with food placed right in the middle for you to see, with a bright blue sticky-note attached to its lid and you instantly pray that it's what you think it is.

You take the box to read the note to make sure the contents are really meant for you and not reserved for your roommate since he's the only one who could have put it there and you don't want to risk getting into a fight over food with Seokjin of all people. You only tried to get away with stealing his food once and decided right after that it wasn't worth the eventual consequences ever again. You actually value your life, thank you very much.

One look at the note is enough to tell you that the food is in fact meant for you though. It's even your absolute favorite and at the thought of your roommates' skilled cooking, your mouth automatically starts watering. Maybe your day won't turn out to be as draining and horrible as you originally thought it would. Seokjin made apparently more on purpose so, and quote: 'your lazy ass doesn't starve before you pay me back for the last seven months of living at my apartment for free'. His choice of words makes you let out a huff in amusement.

When he had taken you in after you got kicked out of your old dorm in favor of someone else without any warning beforehand you both had come to a silent agreement that you wouldn't speak of how much you owed him, since you can't effort even half the rent to his apartment. It's clear to you that you'll pay him back as soon as you have the chance and Seokjin knows this too, even though he probably doesn't actually expect you to.

Silenty thanking him for his life saving food you pack it into your bag and then grab your phone to thank him via text as well so you won't forget. After hesitating for a short moment you also decide to ask him when he's going to be home today. If there's even the slightest chance you're going to be able to see him for dinner or at least a few hours of lazing on your couch just talking while watching some random movie, you're sure that it'll give you enough motivation to get through the day.

Seokjin immediately opens your message and you can't help but smile when you see that he's already typing a reply. He's always been like this. Always quick to answer your texts or calls, always down to go with every single one of your random ideas that tend to pop up in your head at the craziest of times, just... always there for you when you need him.

Being close friends for so long you know that's just who he is, of course. You know he's a good person and a really loyal friend but still, that little voice in your head keeps whispering that maybe, just maybe, he's so considerate because it's you. That it's not just your wishful thinking and he actually cares about you as much as you care about him. That he'd somehow realize how whipped you are for him and return your feelings instead of trying to let you down gently like he does with all the girls that confessed their crush on him in the last three or four years.

Shaking your head to get rid of your cheesy thoughts you stumble back to the coffee machine to get your mug while still squinting at your phone screen where Seokjin's message just popped up. As expected he's pretty busy today as well and he doesn't know how late it's going to get until he gets home. He tells you not to wait up for him with dinner if it starts getting too late but that he'll try his best to make it on time.

Sighing you brush your hand through your hair before finishing your coffee and putting your mug down on the kitchen counter to clean it later. It wasn't a 'no'. So it could happen, ... right? You decide it's not going to be of any good to think about it too much and instead make your way back upstairs to change into some proper clothes. It's almost time for you to leave for university anyway. You try to think positive and tie your hair into a ponytail before putting on your shoes.

You'll just have to survive the next 11 hours, then you'll finally be able to rest. And maybe you'll even see Seokjin again and have dinner with him tonight. So with this promising thought in mind you eventually step out the door of your apartment to get on with your day.

Stepping inside your own four walls you almost start crying in relief when you're finally able to get out of your shoes. You're burned out. The only thing on your mind right now is to sleep for at least 12 hours straight before even thinking of anything else. Unfortunatly though, you still got a few things on your to-do list for today, so you'll have to settle for a quick power nap.

Shrugging out of your jacket you just drop it on your way to the couch, not caring about anything else other than your well deserved rest. You grab the remote and turn on the TV with low volume to let the background noises lull you to sleep and then drop yourself backwards on the couch. Or that's what you thought.

Having misjudged the distance between you and the soft cushions you only scratch their surface before your fall continues and you land on the hard floor with a loud thud. The impact has you holding your breath in shock and while your mind is trying to catch up with your body you instinctively reach up to hold your head in your hands a few moments before the pain even kicks in.

You let out a pathetic groan and slowly roll over to lie on your back, swinging one arm over your face without moving a second time, too tired to try and get up again. It's what you deserve for not being more aware of your stupid surroundings anyway. And the ground's not even that bad, you tell yourself. There can't go anything else wrong if you don't move, right?

Allowing your heavy eyelids to finally rest for a while you stretch your legs out completely in an attempt to get more comfortable and huff, a little disappointed, because it's not working. The noise of the show that plays on TV is actually stressing you out more than helping you relax so you just press the power button on the remote that's still in your hand since you fell down to turn it back off before you finally admit defeat and just wait for sleep to take over.

That's how Seokjin finds you.

You don't know how much time has passed since you first slipped and fell to the ground just to stay there without moving a muscle when suddenly the front door to your apartment opens, accompanied by the very familiar jingle of keys and a heavy sigh sounding almost as tired as you're feeling.

The urge to stand up and greet your roommate comes up for a moment but the second you try to even so much as shift a bit your headache gets worse and a scorching pain shoots through your neck causing you to let out an almost inaudible groan in defeat.

You pray to every entity your brain comes up with that Seokjin won't find you like this, that he'll just grab a snack from the kitchen and then go upstairs to his room to study or whatever. But of course, like most of the time when it comes to Seokjin, it doesn't go the way you want it to. 'Hey y/n, you there? I'm home!' You can't help but cringe at the loud noise coming all the way from the other side of the room.

It's not because of his voice, you love his voice and on any other day hearing him say your name with so much hope and anticipation coloring his words would have caused your heart to go into a frenzy. Right now, however, you just want him to go away and leave you there to suffer alone until you're feeling better.

As much as you want to call out and tell him where you are, you can't bring yourself to actually answer him. The incredible pain in your neck and the merciless pounding of your head aside, the potential humiliation of him seeing you like this, completely vulnerable and pathetic has you biting your lip as if that would help you to make as little sound as possible.

There's a moment of heavy silence in the room before you can hear him let out a disappointed sigh, probably because he's assuming you aren't there and you immediately feel bad. It's the only choice you have to protect your dignity though, so there's no way around it. You decide you'll make it up to him with breakfast tomorrow instead.

His footsteps seem to lead him in the direction of the kitchen, away from you and you're starting to relax a bit but then he suddenly stops, presumably in the middle of the room. It's silent again and you furrow your eyebrows in confusion. Your brain is trying to come up with an explanation for what could have made him pause like that and when you hear the shuffling of clothes it suddenly clicks. Your damn jacket.

You dropped it on the ground on your way to the couch. Cursing yourself you press your arm tighter over your closed eyes and bite the inside of your cheek while anxiously waiting for Seokjin to move again. After a few seconds the rustling of clothes picks up again and your instincts scream at you to curl into a ball so he won't be able to find you.

You can pinpoint the exact moment he sees you by his surprised gasp of horror coming from almost right beside you and you can't help but to click your tongue in defeat. 'Y/N?! Oh my fu- ... y/n, are you alright?!' He's by your side in an instant, kneeling at your feet and touching one of your legs oh so delicately to check for any signs that you're alive and well.

Even in your hazy state you're still able to appriciate how careful he's being with touching you. 'Shh... shut up, Seokjin.' Hearing your raspy voice he pauses his attempts to softly shake you awake and even though you don't open your eyes to look at him you know he's probably staring at your covered face like a confused puppy.

'You're alive?! Why the fuck- Do you think it's funny scaring me to death?!' Groaning at the volume of his voice you move one of your legs to kick against his knee softly. 'Unfortunatly, yes. But could you please be quiet, my head hurts like crazy.' Amused by his overly dramatic reaction your voice automaticly takes on a softer tone to show him you're fine and it's then that he finally relaxes a bit.

You can feel his hold on your thigh become weaker and you immediately miss the warmth of his touch when he shifts to get a better look at you. 'Well... I mean I've been told my looks are able to bring girls to their knees and while I'm aware of how easy it is to fall for my handsome face, I'm pretty sure I'm not the reason why you're wiping the floor with your shirt. So why the hell are you on the floor?'

It's kinda funny how he's trying to lighten the mood without even knowing what's going on, you think. His voice is barely above a whisper though and you let out a soft hum to let him know you're going to answer in your own time. He still hasn't moved and you're wondering if he just doesn't know what to do in this situation.

Sighing, you move your arm from your face and reach out to search for him. Once you can feel the rough fabric of his jeans under your fingertips, you pat his thigh reassuringly while thinking of what to say next. 'Mhm... it's nothing, really. I just thought it'd be nice to get to know my surroundings better. You know? Bond with the floor, so it doesn't get lonely. Turns out it's really nice to talk to. Found my standards here so I didn't feel like getting up again.'

The amused snort he gives you as an answer is enough to get a content smile out of you as well. You give his thigh another friendly pat and subconsiously lick your dry lips. Something to drink would be nice. You make a mental note to go to the kitchen the moment your body is ready to function again. 'Give me a few minutes, yeah? You can go upstairs and I'll be there in a bit. Honestly, I'm so tired, it hurts when I close my eyes.'

There's silence for a while, like your roommate is contemplating what to answer and if it wouldn't be for your hand still touching his leg, you couldn't even be sure if he's with you anymore.

Suddenly, you feel him shift away from you and your heart squeezes in your chest at the thought of him actually leaving you here to go upstairs. There's still no way you'll open your eyes to confirm your suspicions though. The throbbing right behind your temples got worse while you were talking and you won't take the risk of provoking a full-on migrane just because your stupid feelings tell you it's absolutely necessary to look at your etheral being of a roommate right now.

You don't know what you were expecting at this point but the sudden noise right beside your ear was definitely not it. Feeling your head being lifted carefully you make a confused sound in the back of your throat but before you can actually react, it's already over and you're lying on something far more comfortable than the cold linoleum of the floor.

'You're an idiot. You know that, right?' Seokjin's voice is just a hushed whisper against your ear and you can feel him wrap his arm around your waist when you try to get up on instinct. 'Wha-' You don't really know how to react to his sudden proximity but as you open your mouth to respond he just pulls you closer until your cheek is pressed against his shoulder and hums quietly to effectively shut you up.

'You could have just said you weren't feeling well. There's nothing wrong with taking a break when you feel like you can't keep up anymore, you know?' His words make you let out a resigned huff. He always says that. And he's right, of course. Theoretically. But thinking back to the pile of notes on your desk you've still got to rehearse to be able to pass the exams next week, you can't help but disagree with him.

Seokjin seems to know what you're thinking because he sighs in an almost frustrated way, like a parent trying to reason with his stubborn toddler and leans his forehead softly against the top of your head, burying his face in your hair while stroking your back with his free hand as if trying to soothe you. He has you pretty much caged in his arms and even if you wanted to, there'd be no way to get up now. You're not complaining though. It does soothe you.

It feels nice to have him hold you like this. Like he actually wants to be here, with you. Like he wants to protect you from anything that's trying to harm you in any way. Like... you mean more to him than he says out loud. From time to time, the fingers caressing your back find their way up to absentmindedly play with strands of your hair and you can't stop your heart from jumping a bit when you feel him subtly shift closer.

You're so close you can hear Seokjin's heartbeat and while the steady rhythm calms you, it's still kinda strange. It's not like you never cuddled before. The actor's a pretty affectionate person and so it's actually common for you to be constantly hugged or held in his arms or pulled into his lap when you two hang around each other. Still, there's something about the way he's holding you right now. It's so loving and gentle, as if he's scared he'd hurt you if he isn't careful enough. You've never felt so at ease before.

Seokjin suddenly stops playing with your hair and after another moment of silence lets out a small huff. 'Don't think I didn't notice that you weren't feeling well for a while now. Still... I didn't exactly stop you from letting it get worse, so I guess I'm a bit at fault as well. I should have known you'd strain yourself... you really are an idiot.'

The tone of his voice is a mix between cockiness and genuine worry, so instead of complaining about him calling you an idiot you just grumble into his chest and murmur something that's supposed to sound like an apology. A small laugh escapes his lips at your childish behavior. 'What was that, princess? I couldn't hear you.' He gives your shoulder a soft push to get you to lean back and look at him and not able to resist any longer you comply.

You carefully blink open your tired eyes and when they finally adjust to your surroundings you see Seokjin smiling down at you so fondly your breath hitches. The words you wanted to say won't come out and you clear your sore throat when you see him raise an eyebrow in question. He casually licks his slightly opened lips and you can feel the blush creeping up your face when you realize your eyes followed the movement without your consent.

You're pretty sure he saw you staring for a second and not being able to look into his eyes after that, you press yourself up against him and wrap one of your arms around his waist as well to cuddle into him more. 'I missed you,' you whisper instead. The words come out of your mouth before you can stop them and they're so muffled through the fabric of his shirt that you hope he couldn't understand you.

It's kind of embarrassing how needy your voice sounded just now and when he tenses against you, you immediately regret saying it, scared he'll take it as a joke and laugh at you for being dramatic or worse, understand what the real meaning behind it is and reject you for good. But instead of teasing you like you expected he just hugs you closer to him and lets out a sigh. 'I missed you too, y/n.'

Maybe it's because you're feeling so tired and vulnerable or maybe it's the tender way he just answered you in but hearing him say it back has a wave of pend up emotions suddenly crashing down on you all at once. Your eyes well up with tears and before you know it you're sobbing into his chest, gripping onto his shirt like a lifeline. 'N-no, you don't get it. I missed you, I always miss you and it's so stupid because I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I'm stupid, so stupid.'

You don't care if you're crossing the invisible line you had drawn from the moment you started living with him right now. You're tired and cold and you can't think straight with that fucking headache drumming against your skull. All you can think of is how warm Seokjin is and how good it feels when he tightens his arms around you in an attempt to calm you down.

Not really knowing what else to do Seokjin slowly sits up and pulls you into his lap. You bury your face in his neck and clasp at his shoulders while he hums a low tune and rocks you from side to side, one of his arms securely wrapped around your waist to hold you in place. 'Shh... it's fine, you're fine.' For the past eight years you've know him, Seokjin always tried to avoid emotional confrontations by cracking a joke or playing dumb but right now he seems completely serious and you're thankful that he's not withdrawing himself from you even though seeing you like this probably makes him uncomfortable.

Somewhere in the back of your mind you know how dramatic you're being and usually you'd be embarrassed to let him see you like this, but the way he's cradling you in his embrace like you're something precious to him has you melting against his chest without a second thought. You're allowed to be weak sometimes too. Seokjin is always here to remind you of that and it makes you love him even more. So maybe, just maybe, you can allow yourself to show him what's really on your mind from time to time.

Your roommate hushes you for a while until you're not crying anymore and as soon as he's sure you've calmed down he turns you in his arms so he's able to stand up. 'Come on, let's get you in bed. The floor's going to make me get sick and if my handsome face gets all puffy because of you, you're going to pay.' The comment makes you snort in amusement and glancing at him from out of the corner of your eyes you see him smiling at your reaction. Would it be too much to tell him that his puffy face looks extremely cute? Probably. Better not take a chance after what happened just now.

He carries you up the stairs as if your body weighs nothing. The actor isn't even the slightest bit out of breath when you arrive in front of your room and you're reminded of how build he actually his, despite him joking about becoming fat all the time. You silently study his face while he lets you down on your bed carefully. His eyebrows are furrowed in thought and he's looking down at the mattress instead of at you.

You can't really tell if it's out of respect for you or because he can't bring himself to look at your miserable state, and you actually don't want to know if you're being honest. Sighing in bliss at the feeling of your soft covers being pulled over you, you snuggle deeper into the fabric and look up at your friend through heavy eyelids to see him give you a warm smile. 'I'll be right back, don't fall asleep on me already, hm?'

You let out a quiet hum in agreement and watch him leave your room to go somewhere downstairs. His absence gives you time to think about what happened in the last few minutes and your heart squeezes painfully when you remember what exactly you told him while you had your little outburst. Is that why he was so stiff and quiet just now?

Does he understand your feelings towards him and needs time to think about a way to reject you without making things awkward? Fuck. You really don't know if you're ready to hear him say it. Suddenly you can hear his footsteps coming back up the stairs and on instinct you close your eyes to pretend you're asleep. He can reject you all he wants tomorrow when you're emotionally stable enough. Right now you just want to fall asleep and pretend today never happened.

Your roommate comes to a stop beside your head and just stands there for a moment, probably looking at you. After a few seconds the mattress sinks down at the level of your waist and your breath hitches when you realize he's now sitting on your bed, softly brushing your hair from your forhead. 'I know you're awake. Nobody blushes in their sleep, not even because of me. Now open your eyes and let me feed you, so I know you're not going to die in your sleep.'

Clicking your tongue in annoyence you comply to his order and blink your eyes open. He's holding a glass of water out to you and you let out a short hum to thank him, eagerly accepting it while you sit up and lean against the headboard of your bed. You empty it in one go and hand the glass back to Seokjin for him to place it on your nightstand. He offers you a slice of an apple but when you try to take it from him, he lightly presses it to your lips instead, the look in his eyes daring you to refuse him to feed you.

Your face starts burning again but you know he won't take no for an answer so you just open your lips and let him slip the slice into your mouth without complaint. Seokjin makes a content noise in the back of his throat at your obedience and pats your knee over the covers with his unoccupied hand to reward you.

'You want some more?' Shaking your head at his question you lie back down and pull your blanket up to your chin before he can press another slice to your lips. 'Wanna sleep, 'm sorry,' you manage to croak out and thankfully he relents right away. 'The plate's right here if you change your mind. I'll be in my room if you need anything, yeah?'

He makes an effort to stand up and leave but you immediately shake your head and grasp the sleeve of his shirt to stop him before he can get away. 'Stay, please? I could use your cuddles right now.' Your roommate blinks at you a few times as if unsure of how to react but when you silently lift your blanket in invitation, he finally gives in and gets under the covers next to you with a small sigh.

Pressing your body against his you shift two or three times and then yawn happily once you're comfortable. Neither of you talks for a long time, Seokjin just lets you lie with your head hiding in the crook of his neck and affectionately brushes through your hair to help you fall asleep.

You're just about to let his breathing lull you to sleep when he suddenly smiles against you as if he remembered something and whispers in an amused but husky voice. 'Your actual confession is going to be a bit more romantic, right? I'm thinking something like a restaurant or a movie night with take out and lots of cuddles to set the mood.'

Tensing up a bit at the sudden question you slowly pull away to look at him with your eyes already bleary from how tired you are. 'Who said I liked you?' Seokjin grins cockily at your terrible attempt to play dumb and the mischievous glint in his eyes tells you that whatever happens next, everything is going to be just fine.

'Oh please, it's so obvious you're whipped for me. I mean, who wouldn't be? It's me we're talking about.' You roll your eyes at him and grin back but you can't come up with a sly response right away since what he says is one hundred percent the truth, so you settle for not answering at all until you know what he's getting at for sure.

Seokjin looks into your eyes for a moment longer, the content smile still prominent on his face. Then he's shifting forward until his nose brushes against yours and a shiver runs down your spine when you feel his breath on your lips. 'So how about that dinner? I think I deserve something fancy for our first date. It's what first comes to mind every time I think about how to ask you out, you know?'

By now your heart is already threatening to jump out of your chest from how wildly it thumps against your ribs. He already thought about asking you out? More than once? So he actually likes you too and it's not just your hopeful mind playing tricks on you?

When you think you're finally able to form a coherent sentence and tell him you'd gladly go out with him, Seokjin suddenly closes the remaining distance between you both to press a loving kiss to your slightly opened lips. Gasping in surprise against his pillow like lips you don't even get the chance to return the kiss before he's already leaning away from you again.

He's smirking at your dreamy expression and wraps his free arm around your waist to pull you as close to his side as physically possible before speaking up again. 'Movie night would be fine by me too, though. Tell me tomorrow, yeah? You gaping at me like a deer caught in the headlights made me kinda sleepy and you need your beauty sleep. Let's get comfy, hm?' Wow, the nerve of this guy. As if you'd be able to get any sleep now.

'You're an idiot,' you say amused and cuddle into him further to get comfortable again. He pulls a funny face in response and sticks his tongue out to you before he chuckles. 'That's my line, idiot.'

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

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nerdygaymormon · 5 years

Note

Maybe you've answered this before, but why don't you just leave your church? Doesn't it bother you being part of something that rejects you? Don't you want love? I don't understand why gay people ever stay in that church.

I get these questions from time to time. Never sure what to make of them. I get that it’s unusual for a gay guy my age to still be part of church. I hope part of this is they like me and want me to be happier. But it also feels like they are looking down on me, idk.

I don’t have a short, simple answer, so strap in, it’s going to be a long ride.

1) I was a teenager in the 1980’s. It is hard to be gay now, but it was so bad back then. Being gay was shameful. The 80′s was the AIDS crisis, so mostly what I heard about being gay was death. There were no legal protections, society was against us. Actively hostile, bigoted statements were common. My own dad told homophobic jokes to big laughs. Coming out looked like I’d be condemning myself to a terrible life and strip all the good things from me.

Also, with no role models, I was having to work through what it means to be gay. I also did manage to get ahold of a gay porn magazine (this is long before internet was a thing). I was crazy to think I could hide it. I shared a room with three brothers so no privacy. Despite my denials, my parents knew this was mine and they were so upset. My dad now tells me he wishes he sent me to conversion therapy once he learned I had this magazine. Can you imagine?

2) I grew up believing in this church, which included the terrible things taught about me as a gay person. At age 19 when my bishop challenged me to pray about going on a mission, I instead prayed to know if God could possibly love me (which is really sad that a kid could grow up in church and not know that). I felt love radiate across my body as a voice in my ear said “You are not broken.” That experience sustained me for a long time

3) I went on a mission in the 1990’s. If you haven’t been on a mission, it’s probably a surprise that it can be a relief. There’s no pressure to date. I could form close bonds with other men, and even though these are non-romantic relationships, they are intensely close.

4) I was still in the closet when I went to the church schools in Rexburg & Provo. At the end of my first semester, my roommate came on to me and let me feel him up and stuff. I went to sleep thinking maybe the two of us could leave the church, transfer to a different school, say goodbye to my family and we could have a life together. It would be a huge sacrifice for both of us and I thought he felt the same, but the next morning he turned me in to our bishop. I thought I was going to get kicked out of school, be sent home in disgrace, maybe disciplined out of the church, but instead I was put on probation and had to stay the summer in Rexburg. I was heartbroken and swore off love and focused on school. At the end of the summer, to my surprise the bishop made me the elders quorum president.

That first roommate, we were best friends. He is Bi and decided a life with a woman would be easier, and considering it was the 1990′s, he was correct. He left school a few days later, met a woman and got married. I hate how he ended things, but I don’t blame him for the future he chose for his life.

5) BYU in Provo was my backup school, and reluctantly it’s where I transferred to. It turned out that I genuinely liked BYU with 2 exceptions, the severe restrictions the Honor Code placed on LGBT students (which was the same as at the Rexburg campus), and the fierceness with which the Honor Code Office sought to enforce those restrictions. Occasionally I’d hear rumors of sting operations they had done to catch gay students. There was this low-level fear always of getting caught whilst a student in Provo. My roommates also expressed their dislike of anything remotely gay. Even though I kept the rules, I didn’t dare tell anyone that I’m gay because the potential cost was high.

While at BYU I had a major faith crisis. I no longer believed a lot of the truth claims of the church, but I wasn’t about to lose all that tuition money. I stuck it out. So not only was I pretending to be straight, I also had to act as though nothing about church bothered me.

6) The same voice that told me I am not broken would occasionally tell me that it’s okay to pursue relationships. It gave me great hope. I still get that message. Being a good Mormon, I thought this meant that somehow God was going to change the church. In the temple I’d hear that it’s not good for man to be alone and the law of chastity was presented in a way that could include me if I was married to a husband (the temple says no sex except “with your husband or wife to whom you’re legally and lawfully wedded”).

7) After BYU, I should have come out and gotten on with life, but I didn’t. My first job was working for a Mormon boss. A landlord who is LDS gave me a deal on rent. Coming out seemed like it would disrupt my life in really negative ways. Plus YSA Wards were a source of friends and support network.

8) In my 30’s I was no longer in YSA wards, and the world was getting better for gay people. The fight for gay marriage was in full swing, and so many of the people in my life were very opposed to it. It bothered me that the church was so opposed and fought gay marriage because in my head, it was a way for me to follow God’s promptings and pursue a relationship.

Being a Mormon is very much an identity. It’s hard to peel off. It’s my social network, it’s what much of family life revolves around, It’s a belief system and way of viewing the world. it’s a map of what one’s goals in life should be, and so on. Staying in the closet kept the rest of my world intact.

I know you’re thinking wtf, you’re a grown man, own your life!!! I grew up in an unstable family situation (we had many financial troubles and moved frequently), so I crave stability. Remaining in the closet and in the church were keys to maintaining that stability.

9) Squashing all my romantic and sexual feelings also shuts down most other feelings. I spent most of my 20’s & 30’s feeling numb, like I was watching life but not a part of it. I spent those years wishing I was dead, that a bus would hit me or a major disease would strike. Those kinds of deaths would end my misery and also be okay for my family because they wouldn’t have to know I’m gay. I recognize now how messed up that is.

10) The great source of happiness in those years was being an uncle. I’m the oldest of 7 children, my siblings had lots of babies born in those years. The joys of being an uncle only increased the pressure to stay in the closet and in the church because if I didn’t, my only source of happiness might be taken away.

11) I finally reached the point where I was tired of going through the motions of having a life. I was ready to come out. Rather than make some grand announcement, I decided to be honest with anyone who asked about my life. When someone tried to set me up with their friend, I would ask if she had a brother. As these sorts of situations came up, I was coming out to people one by one.

I didn’t exactly “come out” to my family. I figured since my parents had found the gay porn mag when I was a teen, and then gay porn malware on the computer when I was college student, they probably already knew (and they did, but were in denial). Also, I thought coming out would be saying I’m not trustworthy and an awful person for having pretended to be something I wasn’t for so long (not true, but that’s how I thought of it).

12) I’m such a late bloomer that I sometimes am embarrassed about it, especially now that so many people come out in their 20′s and even as teenagers. At the first Pride parade I attended, someone told me that we all come out when it’s right for us, and this was my time. I think that’s true.

13) Most of my adult life in church was being pianist in Primary. Shortly after I started telling people I’m gay is when I was called to be in the stake young men presidency. My stake president says he looked over at me playing piano one day and thought, “that man has much more to offer.” I wonder if it’s because I was more confident, my identities were less in conflict than they’d been in the past, I wasn’t afraid and hiding.

As stake young men president, I made sure I knew by name and something about every youth in the stake. I wanted them to know they were seen, they were heard, they were loved. Teens go through such hard things and I wanted to be a kind, supportive person in their life. Most youth don’t know who the stake youth leaders are, but they all knew me. Several told me about hard things in their life and some even came out to me. Parents of gay teens would come speak to me and I’d let them know life in church is hard and unfair, ways they could help support their teen, and prepared them that their child’s likely path would be out of the church. I felt like I bloomed in this calling and made a difference.

14) In 2015 marriage became legal for same-sex couples across the USA due to a Supreme Court ruling. I thought that finally the church would have to come to terms with it and accept it. But then came the November policy banning the children of gay couples from being members. It felt like a punch in the gut and I nearly walked away. I was still stake young men president and weighed whether the difference I made in this calling was worth putting up with how church clearly didn’t want me.

15) To help my parents buy a house, I had a bunch of their debt put into my name and I lived in the house with them. At the time it seemed a good way to avoid the loneliness of being on my own. But living with them also made walking away from the church tricky.

16) A month later I hit the 3-year mark of serving in the stake young men’s program, I was released from that and called to be stake executive secretary. My stake president told me that anyone can make appointments, but he wanted my unique viewpoint in all the highest councils of the stake. In this calling I occasionally meet general authorities and I speak with them about being gay in the church. My stake President recently joked that he has twice been a counselor in a stake presidency and now is a stake president, and in those years he’s met many general authorities, yet I have way more impact on them than he ever has.

17) Shortly after getting this new calling, in 2016 I started my tumblr blog. Eventually I used the blog as a way to examine, explore and record what it’s like to be gay in the LDS church. In some ways this blog is one giant pep talk to myself.

18) In 2017 my blog exploded, one of my posts went viral. It’s almost like God got tired of waiting on me, now I was out to everyone who knows me, and many more.

All of a sudden I had so many hurting Mormon LGBT people contacting me, most were teens and twenty-something’s. I’ve tried to help them, to affirm them. In many ways it feels like the years as stake young men president working with teens, the years I spent developing a spiritual independence, the studying & thinking about how being gay can work with the gospel, the fears & worries that are part of being in the closet, all of that prepared me for this.

19) Later in 2017 my mental health dived. I became suicidal. I started therapy. I finally had to face how harmed I’ve been by my time in church. I also had to admit I will never be enough in this church, I can never reach the goals & purpose of life as laid out by the church,. My therapist helped me see that I need another framework for what a successful life looks like and what would make for a joyful life.

In 2018 I was still in therapy and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which partly explains why coming out and leaving the church were so difficult. The major driving motivation of this disorder is wanting to not disappoint people.

20) My therapist says I feel things more deeply than most people, but because I’d pushed down my feelings so long, it’s actually a bit scary to feel so much. I also started dating and trying to get gay friends. These sorts of big changes were hard for me. The psychologist said, in an amused tone, that I fully examine a path before I’m willing to take a step down it, meaning I’m cautious and slow to get going, but am certain when I begin of where I’m going.

21) Some of my family openly embraces me as gay and loves me no matter what. Some make their love and access to their children conditional on my being in church.

22) I thought 2018 would be the year I leave the church. There’s a personal reason I haven’t; I feel there’s one more thing to do, a friend whom I can help. That I came ahead to pave the way for this friend.

I know this all sounds crazy, talking about a voice telling me it’s okay to have gay relationships or that I have some missions in life to accomplish. That’s part of faith, I guess.

23) It’s unfair to say I’m still attending church for my friend. First, I don’t want him to feel any pressure. Second, it’s my decision, not his. I also am working on paying off debt so I can more easily live on my own, I’ve joined Affirmation and met a lot of LGBT Mormons/post-Mormons and feel like there’s something of a potential support group/friendships there. I’m thinking of changing jobs, even moving to a different university. In other words, I’m laying the groundwork to make any shift more smooth. Whether I take a breather from church or not, these are good things to do.

24) I’m in my 40′s and can see that in some important ways I’ve lived a stunted life. But I’m also able to use my voice to speak up for LGBT individuals inside the church, to try to make this little corner of church kinder and more receptive.

25) I can’t even imagine what you’re thinking of me. A hypocrite, someone who stays with an organization that contributed to my own mental health crisis. Someone too afraid to live. I can’t undo my past and all that lost time. I’ve made a lot of progress and am moving forward. I also believe and hope that things I share on this blog and things I say in my local church help LGBT members.

Maybe you can understand, maybe you can’t, why my life went so differently from yours. I’m certain you won’t agree with a number of decisions I made, but they were mine to make and they explain where I’m at now.

#David gets personal

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