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catboythanatos · 5 years

Text

hello i am HERE for cecilos week... ive had a helluva day so everyone say thank you last week me for writing most of this bc i could not have written anything today omg. im SO excited to do this prompt week and to see all of the great content everyone’s gonna make!!!!

Day 1: Fashion/Science!

Cecil Palmer was … an interesting character. Carlos had only been in Night Vale for about a week now, and he was avoiding the radio host like the plague. The embarrassment and surprise of hearing his name on the radio so much had scared him away, and while he was a little intrigued, he would just rather avoid that problem entirely until Cecil inevitably forgot about him and moved on.

He had only formally met Cecil once, and he had been in the middle of some ... very important science at the time. Carlos would probably describe Cecil as a man who was not tall nor short, not thin nor fat, but that's about as far as he could go, since he did not make eye contact once during their entire encounter, out of the nervousness of never knowing which eye to look at, which was heightened by the fact that Cecil seemed to have three.

The day of that encounter, he was teased by all of his coworkers when they heard about it on the radio, and he had not gone back to the radio station since.

But of course, you can only successfully avoid someone for so long…

Out at the Ralph's buying groceries, something caught Carlos’ eye. It wasn't polite or proper to stare, so Carlos refrained, but he glanced down the aisle a few times to catch glimpses.

The person was facing away from Carlos and into the aisle. The outfit they were wearing was eye-catching in almost every way imaginable. Their shirt, a red crop-top, had long, semi-transparent bell sleeves that stretched down almost to the floor, and their pants were a shiny metallic silver. From these two things alone, Carlos was given the impression of some sort of avant garde fashionista, but then there was more. To top the whole outfit off, they were wearing lime green crocs. Now, Carlos didn't know enough about fashion to really make any assumptions, but it certainly caught his eye, to say the least.

The person turned, and he quickly turned back at the macaroni and cheese on the shelf in front of him so he wouldn't be caught looking. He didn't realize that the person was walking towards him until he heard:

“Carlos! Hey!”

Carlos looked up, and was surprised as he met Cecil's eyes.

“O-oh,” he said. “Hi.”

“You shop here? Wow, that's so crazy, right?”

Carlos ignored the fact that this was the only grocery store in Night Vale, and the fact that Cecil was being awkward. He found himself staring at Cecil's exposed midriff.

“Carlos?”

“Uhm. Yeah.”

“How are you settling in?” Cecil shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and his wispy sleeves swayed across the floor.

“Fine,” said Carlos. “Um… It’s good. Everything is… good. You know, science… and whatnot.”

“I'm glad to hear it. Anyway, I, um, should finish on with my grocery shop here, and leave you to yours.”

Carlos nodded, turning to the mac n’ cheese again, wishing he was wearing a lighter jacket. It was hot in the Ralph's today.

“I do need some macaroni, though.”

Cecil reached for a box at the same time as Carlos did, and their fingers brushed up against each other. They each pulled away, laughing awkwardly.

“I’m sorry--”

“I--”

“No, you go ahead.”

Carlos didn't move. He looked from Cecil's hand, up to his face. His breath caught in his throat.

“Sure,” he choked finally, grabbing the box off the shelf without looking and dropping it into his cart. “Thanks.”

---

After that second encounter, Carlos was only more determined to avoid Cecil. Well, truthfully, he wanted to spend more time with him, but he was getting feelings he didn't know how to react to and thought it would be easier to pretend that he didn't exist. Of course, listening to Cecil detail their interaction over the radio certainly didn't help.

He was lucky to have been in the car, by himself at the time of hearing the broadcast, because his fellow scientists would definitely have teased him, both for the way he acted and the way Cecil talked about him.

The next time Carlos saw Cecil, he was wearing a polka-dotted button-up tucked into a high-waisted skirt, and the fuzziest looking jacket Carlos had ever seen. He wore round, purple sunglasses, which had a third lense that covered his forehead. Previously, Carlos had been sure that the eye on Cecil's head was just a tattoo or something, but this was mildly disturbing evidence to the contrary. Or he was just very committed to the aesthetic, which did not seem unlikely, given the rest of his outfit choices.

“Hi, Carlos!”

“Cecil, hi!”

Despite not wanting eye contact before, Carlos felt mildly intimidated suddenly that he wasn't able to see Cecil's eyes. It made him feel vulnerable, for some reason. It was Cecil's outfit in general that probably intimidated him, though.

Carlos looked down to the sand-strewn pavement beneath their feet. Cecil wore knee-high black boots with a heel too high for Carlos to even imagine walking in. It definitely made him appear tall, which normally, he was not.

“How's … science? Have you found anything particularly scientific recently?”

Carlos took a small breath and allowed himself to detach from the situation. Science was something he could always talk about, no matter the circumstance or situation.

“Lots of things,” said Carlos. “...Almost everything, actually. Your town is… incredible.”

Cecil laughed, and Carlos looked up to see him blushing, and also sweating. A lot.

Carlos was sweating too. He wasn't sure if it was for the same reason.

“Everything here is… strange,” Carlos continued. “And beautiful.”

Cecil’s breath audibly caught in his throat. Carlos realized what he had done a little bit too late to stop it.

“What kinds of things?”

Carlos was glad that he couldn't see Cecil's eyes at that moment, because he would definitely not have been able to handle the eye contact.

“E-everything.” He faltered. “Science things, I mean. Like, um, the materials. And the sunsets being out of time. And loud? The sunsets are also loud.”

“They can be quite loud,” Cecil agreed. “The materials, though. You mean the materials you found in my studio?”

Carlos blanched. There hadn't really been any materials. He had been there to meet Cecil that day, and he had gotten flustered and grasped at straws for an excuse. “Um… Yes…?”

“Did you learn anything new about them?”

Carlos shook his head. “N...no.”

Cecil scratched an itch on his leg, and his hand left an imprint on his velvet skirt. Carlos stared at it. “No…” he repeated absentmindedly. “I'll, um, I'll tell you if I find anything new,” he said, promptly fleeing.

Carlos wasn't sure if it was him, or Cecil, or what, but something about Cecil was overwhelming in an unprecedented way. He would never judge someone on what they wore, or their appearance, but something about Cecil and his outfits were just… distracting. He considered himself too busy with work to unpack the reasons and feelings behind that for a long time. An entire year, actually. Apart from chance encounters here and there, he would not see Cecil without strictly and explicitly stating scientific reasons. Not that he didn't appreciate Cecil's affections… he just didn't know how to deal with them. Luckily, that only lasted a year, and it only took one near death experience to open up his eyes.

On their first date, Carlos selected one of his most stylish lab coats, in an attempt to impress Cecil with his fashion sense. Cecil had looked so dashing in his tunic and furry pants.

Carlos later learned that avant garde high fashion was not exactly Cecil's grand inspiration. He was a lot lazier with how he dressed than Carlos had imagined. Sometimes he would even sleep in one of his over-the-top outfits and wear it again the next day. He did consider himself ‘spared from the sphere’ (a notion which terrified Carlos greatly) but he wore mostly whatever he found comfortable and suiting for the day. He didn't even own a mirror, which initially struck Carlos as peculiar. This wasn't to say that he put no effort in, of course not -- he definitely went over the top for aesthetic purposes frequently. But he didn't own a mirror. He just sort of looked down at his outfit and decided, ‘sure, this works.’ Or maybe he didn't even look at all. It fascinated Carlos -- who typically spent a lot of time fussing with his hair and clothing in the mirror every morning. Many things about Cecil fascinated Carlos. But his fashion sense… Carlos had different feelings towards it than just fascination.

Night Vale was incredibly scientifically fascinating, but Carlos’ interest in their fashion wasn't really scientific. It was one part awe and two parts envy. Carlos envied Cecil. He tended to dress in ‘scientific casual’, as he called it, but he had more of an affinity for fashion than he let on…. But he had never been able to express himself that way in the outside world. He already got made fun of enough for having pierced ears… he wouldn’t dare venture into clothing items considered ‘feminine’ by the world. In Night Vale, though… no one judged. Everyone was accepting. It still took him quite a while to build up the courage, to stop hiding behind the comfort of his jeans and flannel shirts and lab coats, but he eventually brought it up to Cecil, a few weeks into their relationship. Cecil was understanding, and more than happy to help.

The first time he went clothes shopping with Cecil, Carlos almost started crying right in the middle of the store. Crop tops, skirts, sequins, glitter, tights, stilettos -- anything you could dream of -- and it was all unisex. There were dresses made for men and dresses made for women. He could wear whatever the hell he wanted and nobody would question him. No one would shout expletives at him in the streets, no one would misgender him, he had no family here to judge him... Cecil, despite his total sense of normalcy with all of this, seemed to understand perfectly. He threaded his fingers through Carlos' at his side, and softly asked: “Anything you wanna try on?”

Carlos’ eyes gleamed. “So many things.”

---

When he walked into the lab for the first time in a dress, he was greeted with the first catcall he had heard in quite a while.

Carlos felt a little embarrassed, but he didnt feel threatened by wolf whistles coming from his coworkers.

“Damn, boss!”

He laughed. “Got it, Nils, I’m hot. But I'm here to do my job -- be professional. I'm also,” he said pointedly, snatching his lab coat and goggles off the desk, “taken.”

Nilanjana whooped. Another scientist rolled his eyes. “Trust me, we all listen to the radio. We know.”

Carlos didn't know what to say, so he just winked at them, giving a little twirl of his dress. Nilanjana shot him a smile. “On a serious note, though,” she whispered, “I'm glad to see you embracing Night Vale fashion. It suits you.”

Carlos looked down at the dress, grinning. He thought so too.

#cecilosweek2019 #cecilos #cecil palmer #carlos the scientist #wtnv #my writing #this is me channeling my love for awkward carlos having a crush on cecil #and also my love for cecil's weird outfit choices #i didnt know where to go w this and then i rememberd at some point carlos is described wearing a #'tight black dress' and i was like OWO #<3 i dont have tomorrow's all written yet but hmm we'll see if i can throw something together in time

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misterrightscenarios · 6 years

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Flowers and a Flower Boy

Minghao is done with his best friends running circles around each other, so he sets them up for a date at the most aesthetic place he can think of: a rose garden at Ilsan Lake Park.

i’m sorry this took so long my dear T-T i kind of twisted it a lil bc i got carried away with the whole park (yo it’s so pretty???) but i hope you like this! <333 (you sound adorable btw im dying). This also concludes the flower boy date game! thank you to everyone who participated and shared a lil bit of themselves for these stories!

The hour and a half train ride from Gangnam to Ilsan gave you plenty of time to curse Minghao to the pits of hell and back. He had lured you out of the comfort of your home and into the humid late-spring air with promises of a fun-filled best friend day, complete with aesthetic pictures, and food. At no point had he mentioned that Mingyu--tall, obnoxiously good-looking, Mingyu--would be joining you.

You had been none the wiser until you’d arrived at the train station, only to be met by Minghao joking around with the very man you made a point to avoid. You took note of the fact that they were both dressed to the nines--wearing button up shirts and slacks, with each of them putting their usual unique twists to their similar outfits. It made you glad Minghao had at least been kind enough to inform you that there was a dress code for the day, so you wouldn’t feel like a shlump in comparison to the two tall males.

The greetings had been awkward, as always, with you and Mingyu avoiding each other’s gazes and Minghao sighing in exasperation as he led the way to the platform, muttering under his breath.

Now the three of you were sitting in the train, your eyes glued to the window while Minghao and Mingyu chatted away. The entire time you were cursing at Minghao in your head, glaring at the dark haired boy whenever Mingyu wasn’t looking, only to be scolded by one of the other’s reproachful looks which you knew was a sign to “behave, please.”

The trip seemed to last an eternity—even with the switching of trains you still felt trapped by Mingyu’s presence.

It wasn’t that you really held any animosity towards the brown-haired boy, after all, he was kind and funny, and almost charming to a fault. But at the end of the day, he was best friend’s with Minghao, your best friend, and the last thing you wanted to was to complicate or strain their friendship.

Given that, it was easier to pretend you disliked Mingyu—to try to find flaws in all of his actions and vehemently refuse any feelings of attachment. Mingyu, on the other hand, had never done the same to you; his smiles remained kind, he still tried to include you in conversations, but it all ended in him being shot down time and time again.

You’d never bothered to ask Minghao about the situation, because you knew how highly he valued his friendships. You knew he would hold a grudge against anyone that ever dared to mess with those for him. It kept you quiet, and kept you pretending you simply had a disliking for Mingyu.

Still, try as you might, you couldn’t fully ignore him. His laughter often echoed in any space he occupied, his voice soothing in its own muted quality. It reminded you of everything warm and made you desperate to drop your pretense so that you could be the one to hear every word he spoke.

Instead you settled for listening in, keeping your face as blank as you could manage and hoping Minghao would keep him talking.

It was around midday when the three of you finally arrived at Ilsan, with Minghao still being quiet as a mouse about your destination.

It was only a short walk from the station, but you should’ve guessed where you were heading, given that Minghao had been bugging you to go for weeks now. He’d dragged you all to Ilsan Lake Park for the international flower festival, and you couldn’t but feel the excitement bubbling. Despite the fact that you were upset with Minghao, you were at least glad he hadn’t lied to you about the reasons you should come out on such a pretty day.

The three of you set out towards the grounds, with you walking slightly ahead of the two friends to look at vendors and what their stalls had to offer. You could already hear the shutter of Minghao’s camera going off, so you were a little more mindful of the way you were holding yourself.

About half an hour later, while you grabbed some food from a vendor, Minghao started shuffling, sighing every other second. You could feel his eyes going back and forth between you and Mingyu, but you studiously ignored him, chatting away with the vendor instead.

“Oh, look, an artist!” Both you and Mingyu turned to look at Minghao, who was slowly stepping away. His mouth was twitching in a way in you knew meant he was trying to bite back laughter, and you instantly turned suspicious.

“Wait, lets get food then we can all go,” Mingyu told him, sounding a little exasperated with the other male.

Minghao grinned now, “nah, I think you two could use some...bonding time. I’ll go off on my own. I’ll meet you back at the entrance at six?” He was full on stepping back now, weaving between bodies of tourists. You stared at him in chagrin, your eyes promising payback if he really left you alone with Mingyu.

“Hao?”

“Enjoy your date!” He said, waving with one of his signature giggles, disappearing into the crowd.

You were left to gape after him, completely in disbelief that your best friend could just abandon you when, as far as he was concerned, you and Mingyu were as good as strangers.

Next to you, Mingyu seemed just as frozen, broken sounds of protest coming from him. Once you gathered enough ire, you huffed, looking at him but refusing to meet his eyes. “Let’s go find him.” Your voice was hard, and you were ready to find the Chinese boy and drag him back to Gangnam by his ear.

Mingyu’s warm hand wrapping around your wrist stopped you, and you opened your mouth to protest, but were too caught off guard by his expression. It was a mix between hesitation and hopefulness, strangely reminding you of a puppy.

“What are you doing?” You asked cautiously, looking at his hand. Mingyu dropped his hold immediately, folding his arms behind his back and pursing his lips while he found his words.

“Well...he’s not wrong. I don’t know what I did to make you dislike me, but…I don’t think the same of you. Maybe if we spent some time together, you might find I’m not that awful?” His words were chosen carefully, you could tell, but there was still an underlying tone of hope.

You sighed, glaring at the spot off to the side of Mingyu at your dilemma. You didn’t want to call yourself out, but the guilt was eating at you now. Mingyu really hadn’t done anything wrong, per say, and it did seem extremely rude to continue acting the way you had. Then again, you really didn’t want to end up liking spending time with him so much that you forgot why you weren’t allowing yourself to act on your infatuation.

In the end, your guilt won, making your shoulders droop. “Listen, it’s not that I particularly dislike you.” You started, hesitating when you saw Mingyu tilt his head in question. “I just…”

You bit back a groan of frustration and missed to yourself. “Alright, fine, let’s leave Hao to fend for himself. I hope he gets lost.” You grumbled, starting to move away from the vendor.

Mingyu laughed a little, catching up to you in a few easy strides. He seemed a little more relaxed now, his hands tucked into the pockets of his slacks. “He’s probably off to be a pretentious little prick,” he jabbed, but you could hear the genuine affection behind his words. It made your guard come down a little, and you couldn’t quite hide the small little laugh at his joke.

Mingyu was looking forward, but he was hiding his own smile too, it seemed.

Slowly, as you both walked along the path, you felt yourself giving in more and more into Mingyu’s soft personality, letting his laughter coax out your own and his soft brown eyes lure you into speaking in tangents.

You learned more about Mingyu than you’d ever thought you would: how he loved to take photos, how he adored his little dog, how well he got along with Minghao, and how much he’d like to have a fashion line of his own one day. In turn, you spilled just as much about yourself, letting him know of your love for art, how you also enjoyed fashion and photography.

The two of you walked off to the flower exhibitions later, your arms brushing now as you continued to question each other; it was around this time that it started to dawn on you that you were becoming helpless to your infatuation towards Mingyu, and that maybe you should start considering the possibility that Minghao left the two of you alone for that very same reason.

“Hey, stand right there,” Mingyu was pushing you gently by your shoulders towards a large arrangement of flowers, his grin wide. “A pretty backdrop for a pretty human.”

You tried to pretend your cheeks weren’t trying to compete with the color of the flowers behind you, and just allowed Mingyu to place you in front of the flower display. He grabbed his phone from his pocket, and you stepped forward with a frown.

“Shouldn’t I give you my phone instead?” You asked him, brows furrowing.

Mingyu grinned again, his eyes sparkling. “it’s okay, I want to remember this too.” He said, ducking his head for a moment and pursing his lips nervously. “Our first date.” He added, so low you almost thought you’d misheard him.

His hopeful wide eyes and tentative smile, however, told you it wasn’t your ears playing tricks on you and you could only duck your head, trying to come up with some sort of response.

“Is...is that okay?” he asked carefully, crouching a little to get your eyes to meet his, and only then straightening back up to his full height.

Your breath hitched a little, and losing yourself in the chocolate brown of his eyes and the pretty curve to his lips, you nodded your response. You swore you had never seen such a bright smile from the man in front of you for the entire time you’d known him, and you wondered if you hadn’t been as concerned with your friendship with Minghao, as you had been with the idea of Mingyu not reciprocating the interest.

The rest of the day ended up being a blur of pictures, eating food and trying to learn as much as you could about each other. At some point, Mingyu even bought you a flower crown, gently placing it atop of your head and letting you know he’d buy himself one too if it made you embarrassed to walk around with it.

(In the end, he bought one too, because you insisted that your pictures would come out much more aesthetic if you were both wearing flower crowns.)

When the sun was finally setting, the both of you ran into Minghao, whose arms were laden with bags of trinkets, and whose grin was smug when his eyes locked onto your arm tucked into Mingyu’s elbow.

“Had fun, did we?” he teased, tilting his head cockily.

You glared a little, but there was no venom behind it. Instead you were grateful to your best friend, for throwing you to the sharks this one time. “So did you, I see.” You teased back, raising an eyebrow at his bags.

Minghao shrugged, eyes sparkling even in the semi-darkness. “Yes I did. Now let’s go get food before I die.”

Both you and Mingyu shared a look, a playfully exasperated grin, and the three of you went off again, this time with your heart feeling much light than it had in the morning, all thanks to the man who looked at you as you walked and threw you a cheesy grin, and a playful wink.

#mingyu #mingyu scenarios #mingyu imagines #mingyu drabbles #seventeen #seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #seventeen drabbles #flower boy date game

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conflictedrabbit · 7 years

Text

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there.

___:

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___:

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff:

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff:

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?}

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___:

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff:

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___:

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___:

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___:

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff:

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___:

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___:

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff:

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff:

Wow i want to die!

___:

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___:

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___:

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff:

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___:

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff:

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___:

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff:

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___:

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff:

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff:

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___:

M. E

66ccff:

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___:

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff:

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:. They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me:

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___:

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff:

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___:

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff:

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___:

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff:

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___:

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___:

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff:

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff:

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff:

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___:

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___:

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff:

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___:

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff:

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___:

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___:

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___:

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___:

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff:

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff:

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___:

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff:

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff:

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___: it's really weird

66ccff:

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___:

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff: o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff: i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff: :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff: oh yeah

....

66ccff:

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff: ___ we are so fucked ___:

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

#1-#2-#3-#4-#5-#a bloo bloo bloob #avpd #ok done editing tumblr posted it b4 i was ready but yea

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