I feel like whatever was going on with majima/mirei/katsuya in the early 90s was some sort of complicated bisexual love triangle situation. like majima is majima and katsuya’s handsome and eloquent and absolutely doesn’t seem straight to me, but on top of that it feels like there was some sort of confusing tension between katsuya and mirei, not sure if it was romantic or one-sided or what but. SOMETHING. I don’t know what the hell was going on with those three really but no way in hell do I believe the romantic/sexual/??? depth ends with majima and mirei

34. “I just want to be there for you.” Zutara, For the fluff prompt list please ☺️

Hello!! You sent me this a very long time ago and then my brain was bad and ground to a screeching halt, but I have been thinking about it this whole time! And now my brain has finally allowed me to make words again these past few weeks, so here it is:

PART 1 \\ PART 2

Even after seeing pictures of Zuko convinces Katara to tentatively agree to Ty Lee’s hairbrained scheme, she still tells herself that she has time to bail. If she really decides that she doesn’t need a date after all, she can just cancel on him and tell Aang her date had food poisoning or something. If worst comes to worst, she can claim that she has food poisoning too and escape the entire mortifying ordeal altogether. Zuko is just an option.

This is the constant refrain in her mind week after week as the date of the wedding approaches, and Katara gets somehow less enthusiastic about it with each passing day. She thinks it as she lets Suki shove her into a fitting room, laden with figure-hugging dresses. She thinks it as she scrolls quickly past Instagram posts counting down the days, politely liking them faster than she can process the sight of fairy lights and mason jars. She thinks it as she impulsively adds a leg waxing to her bi-monthly spa day with Toph. Zuko is just an option.

Just an option with arms that look like they would feel strong and secure around her, and a shy smile, and who’s sweet and playful with kids. Katara lets out a long, frustrated groan and presses her forehead to her desk, rolling it back and forth in a futile attempt to rub out the impending headache of a Friday afternoon. A moment later, she hears the telltale rattle of Suki’s office chair, and then her friend is rolling to a stop beside her.

“You good?” she asks, brushing aside Katara’s hair so she can see her face.

“No,” she sighs, annoyed.

“Is it the rehearsal dinner? Because if you don’t want to go, I can just say you got held late at work.”

“No, no. That’ll be...fine, probably. It’s this whole wedding date thing.”

“Oh do not tell me you’re still being all wishy-washy about it.”

“It just feels like a weird thing to do! I’m just going to show up at my ex’s wedding with this random dude? How will that look?”

“Um, probably like you’ve moved on? Which you have. Objectively. You even had a whole other relationship.”

“Really? Because I think it’ll look like I’m jealous and trying not to be.”

Suki fixes her with disbelieving eyebrows and a laugh. “Trust me, babe. Nobody is going to think that you’re the one that left that relationship pining. You were basically his mom. If this was Jet’s wedding...eh, maybe? But you tend to settle.”

Katara isn’t quite sure if Suki is trying to insult her or compliment her with that statement, and she isn’t sure if her kneejerk, “Hey!” is out of a desire to defend her judgement, or her past partners’ character. Regardless, she doesn’t have much after that to refute the point. Aang seems like a functional enough adult now, a few years out of college, but when they had dated, the “teen” in his nineteen years definitely showed. As for Jet, her much more recent cut, he was...vibing.

“Hon, you’re gonna be fine. I’ve heard Ty Lee and Mai talk about Zuko before, and he sounds like a decent guy. At worst, you have a meh date and escape some social awkwardness, but-” the upward tilt of Suki’s voice had Katara on edge, knowing what was coming next.

“Please, no -”

“- it could be good.”

“No, it can’t be.”

“Ty Lee seems really confident about you two, and you know she’s got a creepy good love radar. After all, she’s the one who convinced me not to block your brother when he slid into my DM’s. Even you told me to block him.”

“She does not have love radar. I love her, but the girl is an unstoppable meddler; she was bound to have a hit once,” Katara dismisses. It’s true that Sokka and Suki are adorable now, and perhaps evidence of the existence of soulmates, but Katara maintains that Ty Lee is a hopeless romantic who believes anything could be the start of an epic love story.

“Fine, be a cynic then. But you’ve already acknowledged that he’s hot, so just go to the wedding with him, and maybe finally rebound from Jet.”

“Hmm,” Katara hums noncommittally.

She’s something of a serial monogamist. She’d left her first real relationship with Aang intending on a summer fling to cleanse her palate before going back for her senior year. After a whirlwind month with the mature and worldly Jiang, she’d been looking into online classes, all but ready to move onto her houseboat and sail away into the sunset. Until Suki pointed out that it was an insane plan, and the ultimately parted ways as planned when Jiang set out to sea again. From there, she had fallen in with Jet as a friend with benefits to blow off steam through her last year without leaving herself open to distraction.

He wasn’t the kind of stable presence she could see herself settling down with, but wasn’t looking to be babied either. No, Jet was more of a feral creature. He knew he was dysfunctional and was fine with it, because function was the system and the system was bogus. Then, she got to know him, and realized that he kept people at a distance for much the same reason she was always pulling them too close. Suddenly, she had grand dreams of showing him the healing power of love, and both of them breaking free of their pain, never needing to fear being alone ever again. He cheated on her, and even as she was shouting at him, she’d known deep down that they had both just repeated their same bad habits all over again.

Now, there is Zuko. Zuko, with tragedy in his scarred eye, and sadness in his smile, but gentle hands on little legs resting on his shoulders. Katara thinks she could make many bad habits out of Zuko, and she is not too proud to admit that it terrifies her. Her stomach turns, and she thinks it might not even be a lie by the time she tells Zuko she’s suddenly too sick to attend the wedding.

The nausea gets worse at the rehearsal dinner, when she walks in to find Jet there, grinning at a bridesmaid. Suki hauls her over to Aang to give him a dressing-down for inviting him, and Katara is somehow reminded in the span of five minutes why she is extremely glad to be rid of both of them.

“I didn’t think it would be a problem!” Aang says, his usual defense. “And he is my friend - we go rock climbing together.”

“Small world,” Suki snarls, and Aang goes wide-eyed, leaning around her to look beseechingly at Katara.

“I swear, I didn’t think you were avoiding each other! After all, we’re exes, and it’s my wedding, but that’s not weird. So I figured you wouldn’t have a problem being in the same room as your other ex.”

Katara grits her teeth behind glossy lips that she forces into a smile, and despite Suki’s murder eyes and the voice in her head telling her not to - to swallow her embarrassment and tell the truth - she finds herself falling back on those old bad habits. “It’s okay, Aang. You had good intentions. We can be adults for one day.”

“Thank you so much Katara,” Aang gushes, lunging forward to wrap her in a hug that pins her arms briefly to her sides. “You’re the best!”

Suki shakes her head in disappointment as he bounds away. “You made your bed,” she reminds Katara. “Guess now you have to decide who to lie in it with.” She glides away to join Sokka at the bar, leaving Katara standing dazed and confused.

“Katara, hey,” an all too familiar voice greets her almost immediately after, and Katara closes her eyes. Suki totally hung her out to dry, and she can’t even be that mad because she’s right.

“Jet,” she says evenly, turning to face him. This shouldn’t be hard for her. While she doesn’t forgive him, she’s also very over him and understands that she’s an idiot for not making Aang ask him to leave. “How are you?”

“Not bad, not bad,” he says, bobbing his head. His clothes are formal but rumpled by disdain for their formality, an effect which once had a liquifying effect on Katara’s insides, but now just feels rude. “I was actually coming over to ask you the same thing,” he says, as though it is a profound inquiry and not the root of all small talk. She opens her mouth to offer a brusque reply and make an excuse to join Sokka and Suki at their table, but he knocks the wind out of her sails with his next words. “Ex’s wedding and all. Brutal.” He gives her a look that she is all to familiar with: his I-see-your-pain look. It was another thing about him that used to push all the right buttons on her, but now she just feels insulted at the presumption that she needs or wants his pity.

“Aang is actually a very dear friend,” she says, trying to sound as impenetrably chipper as possible. “Like a little brother.”

Jet is not deterred, leaning closer to her, his hand just brushing her elbow. “I feel bad about how things ended between us,” he says softly. “I should’ve done better by you.” Katara is momentarily stunned. Is she actually getting a sincere apology? “Which is why I think we should go to the wedding together. I just want to be there for you.”

It’s like a bucket of cold water down her spine, dousing both the fire of her anger and the tiny kindling warmth in her stomach. Katara pulls her shoulders back, straightening her spine, and snaps, “I already have someone to be there for me.”

Jet blinks and rears back a little. “Alright. I’ll, uh. Be looking forward to meeting them then.”

As he slinks away, she feels a moment of deep satisfaction. Only to nearly aspirate her sip of wine as she realizes she has officially painted herself into a corner. Zuko is coming to this wedding.

Thank you! If anyone wants to send me a line or prompt (from this list or your brain) I'll keep it going!

Just Friends

Pairing: John B x Reader

Word Count: 1.6k

Genre: fluff, angst

Warnings: swearing, mentions of cheating, things get a little steamy but not really

Summary: After finding out that Sarah cheated on him, John B rushes to Y/N’s house for comfort, but it’s not the comfort he was seeking.

(x)

John Booker Routledge came into your life six years ago, and hasn’t stopped fucking it up since. Actually, that isn’t true. He was whirlwind but he meant well. He saved you from heartbreak more times than you care to admit and dragged you on the most insane adventures whenever possible. He made life interesting. 

He was your best friend, and at one point something more. Friends with benefits, if you want to call it that, but it was more than that. It felt like it could be a relationship, it felt personal, like there were emotions laced in there somewhere. It was anything but just hooking up. And then he met Sarah Cameron and whatever was there between you two was gone in an instant. 

You’d be lying if you said it didn’t hurt, watching him with her. He was so good to her. It was clear he loved her. Sometimes you wished John B loved you like that. And other times you were just glad whatever you did have was over. Someone was going to get hurt anyway and better you than him, you at least could put those feelings aside and still be his friend, and Sarah’s too eventually- once you got over the whole kooks vs pogues thing.

They were good together. So it came as a huge shock when John B wound up on your doorstep, drenched from the storm and eyes red and puffy. John B was never one to hide his emotions and you could tell right away he had been crying.

You quickly pulled him inside so as to not let the rain continue to soak him.

You led him further into the house grabbing a towel from the closet in the hallway. You wrapped it around his shoulders, using the ends of it to dry off his brown locks. They were dripping from the rain, making him look even more pitiful. 

“What happened?” you finally asked.

Another sob racked through his body as he spoke. “Sarah cheated on me.”

The words didn’t surprise you. Sarah cheated on Topper with John B and there was apparently someone before Topper who she had cheated on as well. And as the saying goes, once a cheater, always a cheater. But you weren’t going to say I told you so, or you should’ve seen it coming. John B didn’t need to hear that.

“I’m sorry.”

“I thought she was different. I thought that she had changed. Kie was right. She gets close to people and then she can’t handle it and bails.”

“Hey,” you said, taking the corner of the towel and using it to dry the newly shed tears. “Her loss.” 

John B gave a weak chuckle and then nodded. “Yeah.”

You pulled him into your room, sifting through the bottom dresser drawer until you found a pair of sweats and a t-shirt that belonged to him. He always kept an extra change of clothes at your place, but he hadn’t used them in forever. It was silly, but it made you smile knowing he’d use them again tonight. 

You passed off the two articles of clothing to him. “Go take a warm shower. And then we can talk, or watch a movie or whatever you want to do.”

He nodded again, grabbing the clothes from you. “Thank you,” he whispered, heading off in the direction of the bathroom. 

John B came back 20 minutes later, now dressed in the comfortable clothes, hair still damp from the shower. You didn’t expect him to climb into bed with you and curl up against you with his head in your lap, but you weren’t about to push him away. Instead you raked your fingers through his hair, brushing out the tangles. “Do you want to talk?”

He shrugged. “There’s not much to say. She was at the dock, getting the boat all covered for the storm and I thought I’d go there and surprise her, help her cover it and then take her to lunch. And I could hear her talking and laughing with someone and as soon as I was close enough I saw them. She was kissing him like… like  I didn’t even exist.”

The tears were welling up in his eyes again. He took a shaky breath and wiped his hand over his face. “I couldn’t say anything. I just stood there until she pulled away from him. And then she saw me, and you know what she said to me? She said ‘John B I’m so sorry’, as if sorry was gonna fucking fix what she had done.” He was angry now. Hot tears rolled down his cheeks as he retold the story. It wasn’t often you saw him this upset, and it killed you to watch him cry. All you could do was hold him and dry his tears when he needed it.

“I should’ve never gotten involved with a kook. They’re bad news all around,” he sighed. “I wish I had listened to you guys.”

You shrugged. “Some lessons you can’t learn by word of mouth. You have to experience them.”

“How do you always know the right thing to say?” John B asked, sitting up in front of you. 

You shrugged. “It’s a gift,” you giggled.

He smiled. “I’ve missed this.”

“Missed what?”

“Us. We haven’t hung out just the two of us in a while.”

“Yeah and whose fault is that?”

John B chuckled and rolled his eyes at you. “I take it back.”

“No you don’t. C’mon, admit it.”

“Not in a million years.”

You poked his side, making him laugh. “Say it,” you pestered. 

He shook his head, mouth clamped shut. Your hands went to his sides, tickling him and making him burst out laughing. “Whose fault was it, John B?” You asked over his laughter.

“Stop!” He made an attempt to push your hands away, which failed. “Stop, please!”

“Not until you say it!” 

“M-Mine!” he managed to get out between fits of laughter. “It was mine! Stop!”

He grabbed one of your hands in his, threading his fingers through yours as you stopped tickling him. 

“Thank you,” you grinned. 

Silence fell across the room, save for each of your panting breaths. John B’s hand was still laced through yours. He was inches from your face now. You looked from his eyes to his lips and back to his eyes again. You leaned half an inch closer to him. 

John B leaned in too, his free hand came up to cup your chin, tipping your head up. His lips molded to yours, a familiar feeling and one that you had missed so much. You didn’t hesitate to kiss him back. His grip on your hand released and you let both your hands wander to his face and behind his head until your fingers were threaded in his hair. 

His tongue darted out, swiping across your bottom lip You responded by opening your mouth and letting him in. His other hand found your waist and the hand that was on your chin had now moved to cup your cheek. John B pulled away for a fraction of a second, letting you both breathe before his lips were back on yours. 

His hand gripped the hem of your shirt, and his other hand joined it, lifting it up. You raised your arms and pulled away from him, letting him take your shirt off. You grabbed his too and he aided in pulling it off and chucking it behind him, forgotten somewhere on the bed or the floor, you weren’t really sure and you didn’t care that much either. 

You wrapped your arms around his back, hands roaming the tanned skin, feeling his muscles tense under your touch. His lips moved from yours to your neck, just below your jaw. Then lower, nipping and sucking at certain spots but never hard enough to leave a mark. He kissed your shoulder, hands moving from your hips to the straps of your bra. He pushed each strap down, letting them fall down your arm. Then his hands slid around your back, finding the band. As fingers fumbled to find the hooks, whatever trance you had been put it had worn off. The high was gone and you knew exactly what was happening now.

“J-John B, wait,” you said, pushing at his chest slightly.

His hands were still resting on your back as he pulled away from you, meeting you face to face. “Is everything okay?”

You shook your head sadly. “I can’t do this.”

“Have sex? That’s okay. We don’t have to have sex.” 

“No, it’s not just that. I can’t be your rebound.”

John B bit his lip, nodding his head slowly. 

You hated the sad look on his face, but you couldn’t let yourself get hurt again. “What we were doing before, we can’t go back to that. Not right now anyway. You need time-”

“I get it,” he cut you off.  “We’re just friends.” 

He grabbed your shirt from the side of the bed, handing it back to you while he collected his own shirt and put it on. 

“I should, um, go home.”

“John B,” you sighed. “You can stay.”

“No. No, you’re right. I need time. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Right,” he cleared his throat, swallowing hard. “I’ll text you when I get home.”

“Be safe,” you said.

“Yeah.” He gave you a weak smile, but you could see the hurt behind it. 

You almost wanted to take back your words, let him crawl back into bed with you and fuck until he forgot all about Sarah, but it was better this way. Which is why it hurt so fucking bad watching him walk away once again. 

You ever watch a really good movie and when it’s over and the silence swallows the room, you can feel everyone slowly adjusting to reality again?

You hear popcorn start to shake and drinks rattling around as one by one, the audience leaves the theater. 

Except you look up and you’re the only one in the theater?

I feel so many emotions all at once and they even completely negate each other, sometimes. 

I wanted to make a space for myself to vent because I think it’s taking a toll on my friendships and that’s the last thing I want to do. I sound like a broken record, probably. I also feel like I don’t really know who I am or what people’s intensions are towards me. I feel like nothing is real, lately. I feel like it’s easy to accept this when you have someone- a lover, because everyone else is at arms length in some way because no one is closer to you than the person you love. But when that person doesn’t exist anymore, it’s easy to see things either for what they really are or to take things too seriously/personally. I haven’t figured out the answer to that yet.

But, I wanted to make an honest space for myself. I feel like the past 2 years of my life have been completely unraveling everything I knew, or didn’t know would be a better description. I tried to make a new account, and couldn’t because my most recent email was already used. I don’t even remember making this account, but after reading the 5 posts that were on here- I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or just sit here and shake my head back in forth in silence staring at my tv with that 70′s show on unable to even have a next thought. 

I feel like this post should be a summary to fill in the gap.

One day I was at school, having a hotel party with my classmates. I wanted to sleep early and Bernie said he did too. We went to bed. I woke up to him a little close behind me, but it was nice and it was familiar, in the way that at home was the first man I’ve ever loved for so long and always slept next to like that. We were having problems, I felt like he didn’t love me anymore for my present self- just the old past memories we had. And in the moment, being with this man that only knew me as present me and sleeping next to me- it was almost nice. I clicked my phone alarm off to sleep for a few more minutes, and I felt Bernie move closer to me. He kissed the back of my neck. My eyes could not have opened wider, I clicked my phone to look at the time because I felt frozen emotionally, mentally, physically, really- in every way. My heart was pounding out of my chest!! What the fuck??? And also why the fuck did I not punch him right in his face? I got up and went to the bathroom. I went through my normal routine, washed my face- brushed my teeth. Christina came in the bathroom. I started doing my makeup and kept looking over at her every few seconds to stare at her face while she brushed her teeth. Finally I said Christina listen and I turned on the faucet as loud as it could as we usually did to drown out our voices so the guys couldn’t hear us. 

I told her what happened and her face froze with disbelief? surprise? and then she laughed so hard, mostly in disbelief. She made kissy noises at me after that to make fun of it. & We laughed about it. But that really was the start of a fucking insane roller coster of MENTAL FUCKARY THAT IS CURRENTLY RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE ON A DAILY BASIS FOR THE PAST ???? IDK WHAT EVEN HAS IT BEEN? 2 YEARS? IS THAT REAL?

I should of told Tom. I should of told Bernie that was unacceptable. I should of told Christina it wasn’t funny. I should of done a lot of things. For the next 2-3 weeks, he was just more flirty around me. I ignored it, but I didn’t confront it. I felt overwhelming insane crazy guilt for his actions for about a month because of Tom. Tom & I’s relationship was coming to an end and I didn’t want to tell Tom about any of this because then it would have seemed like, to Tom, that Bernie or another person or whatever was the reason for it’s end. When in reality and to this day, it was never about that. He’s not stupid and he probably knew things that I don’t even know now that he knows from then. But, we broke up. It went to a place in my mind and my heart where I felt completely numb. It was literally locked away so deep into my mind that even still now, it feels like when I try to access that part of my memory- that there’s someone on the other end physically tugging it back until I get distracted by something else and stop thinking about it. After Tom & I broke up, Bernie & I started meeting after school on Sundays one on one in the car to talk, sometimes go to the mall. I remember once we kissed and it was a complete lust-ful horny kiss coming from him and this should of been my first sign but at the time- I wanted a quick rebound hook up and this was just easy. I didn’t want to do anything sexual, so I didn’t. He would just sit there and bitch that he has blue balls, “come onnnn” he would say!!  What the fuck is wrong with me? 

I remember the first time I agreed to come over his house. He said he would take me apple picking. Way after that, I asked him once about what went through his mind when I said okay I’ll come over. He said that he re-read it two or three times in disbelief and quickly cleaned up his room and was nervous and excited. I drove myself 1.5 hours to Jersey City NJ, a new place I’ve never been before. The neighborhood looked kinda run down. I pulled up and parallel parked. I texted him, I’m here! & He came downstairs and met me at my car to walk me inside. I walked into the house and walked up the creeky stairs, he turned on the light that would flicker on for a few seconds before actually being on. I walked in the room, and went to put my bag down on the ground and he took me and threw me on the bed. He started kissing me and I mumbled through the kiss woahhh already?! and I’m glad that I don’t remember what his response was. We had sex and it wasn’t really good. It was fun? I guess? As much fun as you could have when your emotionally crippled in reality but denying legit every aspect of that? Eventually he came and he got one of his shirts out of the laundry bin so I could clean myself off. I put my clothes back on and I don’t even remember the rest of the night at all. That night was Thursday. The next day we went and got breakfast, hung out. <- repeat till Saturday morning. I was awake basically all night and I told him I needed to leave Sat morning. He said okay and walked me to the car. I wanted to go home but as I started to drive, I just started to cry. After about 10 minutes, I was sobbing and couldn’t see the road. I pulled over into this industrial type of street and couldn’t stop crying. I felt broken inside. I called Bernie and apologized but explained the situation. He said to come back and I did. He told me to move to the passenger seat and he got into the drivers seat and my sobbing turned to regular crying. I told him I was crying because I was picturing going home and dealing with Tom not being there, and that I was scared to finally be alone and face that. He told me he would bring me where he likes to go when he’s upset, to get Ramen. He drove me to this place called Mitsua marketplace in Edgewater NJ. We sat and ate ramen and he said a bunch of shit that made me feel better. I stayed over another night. The next morning, he was getting dressed and was going apple picking with his friends. I wasn’t invited. I got dressed and finally drove back home to Long Island and we never went apple picking together. 

Again, what the fuck is wrong with me?

The next month was spent getting really close to each other really quickly, but never getting that type of intimate closeness/security. I felt like he was hiding something, or maybe even everything from me- all the time. I felt like when I would leave, he would go back to a completely different life than what he lived while I was there. Yet, I had nothing- no physical proof- to feel this way. I made sure to never say anything out loud that would make it seem like I wanted a relationship. One weekend, I told him I got asked out on a date. (By a guy named Liam) and he looked and sounded like he could not care less. He said something like, if that’s what you want to do- do it! I said okay, I’m going to go on the date, I just felt like you should know. (at this point in time, I was trying to keep emotional distance- obv failing a bit, and also unsure of what his intensions were). I told Liam yea and we were suppose to go out eventually, but shit kept coming up. The next time I was at Bernie’s for the weekend was New Years Weekend of 2018. He took me to lunch with his mother and he took me to his friends house for a NYE party. I was so fucking confused, but I felt stupid for feeling confused. In my head, I was thinking idk this is probably normal- we’re just friends with benefits he said? but why am i here with his mom and best friends? whats going on? maybe i do want this? 

At his friends house, I had a lot of fun with his friends Tony, Chris, Julia, and Jen. Julia and I split a bottle of wine and Jen took a bunch of pictures- always being warm and welcoming to me as apparently the new member of this group. I remember him taking a pic of us together on the couch on snapchat and then deleting it. I had a few drinks, and so I asked him why he didn’t send it anywhere. He said where would I send it to. I said why not to our school snap? He ignored that. Now in my head I felt so confused and stupid, ashamed a little even or embarrassed because obviously if he doesn't want to send a snap of us together to our school snapchat group- then we aren’t anything more than friends with benefits, as I sit next to him wrapped in his arm on his friends couch on my 2/3rd night spent with him????? Again, what the fuck is wrong with me!!!!!

I have no memory on specifics of how we eventually were a couple outwardly. I remember hiding it in school, taking separate cars for a while, and then eventually- we didn’t hide it. I spend so much time slowly drifting farther and farther away from all my friends in the class. Bernie didn’t want to eat with them because his skin was bad, the sun would bother him, the bugs were outside, it was too warm out, too cold out, new medicine, new lotion, didn't shower yet, showered already. Whatever the fuck reason. So I would feel bad, and go eat with him away from everyone else. We wouldn't even have fun. He would be mad at me for something and we would silently watch Netflix eating lunch. Once he flipped the fuck out because his sandwich was made with cheese and he threw it against the wall in the classroom downstairs (no one else was there yet). & I would feel like all this behavior was my fault. I would write notes in my phone reminding me to “be easy on him, be his peace, he works hard”. I’d be so mad at myself for asking “who’s that” when I saw a girls name on his snap friends or texts that I didn’t recognize the name, and he would get so fucking pissed. “A friend” Example of my note from my phone:

“It makes you upset because you’re scared to loose him to anything. But the reality is you won’t. It’s just 1% of the time. It’s temporary- in the future, you’ll prob always be around him. Eventually you’ll live together. It’s something that makes him happy, look past the worrying. It’s possible new friends you can have too, who have their own lives, too. He gives you no reason to distrust. He loves you. You’re better than those girls (ha!!!). So just wait it out, reset, & repeat. Be happy, live YOUR life, stop thinking about what he might be doing when he hangs out with those girls and be happy you’ll get to see him again.”

Again, what the fuckkkkkkkk was or is wrong with me?!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

So Capstone 1 rolls around and we both fail it. 3 people in the class failed and we (both top of our class) failed it. (wow wonder fuckin why) I studied my ass off to re-take this exam and was up near school most of the time. I stayed by my classmates houses, Sammie & Anisha. Bernie had family over visiting and he was driving to DC with them and was busy, so during this time he was mostly MIA and I wasn’t allowed to stay there. He met up with us one day to study in this one room on the floor at school. I remember that feeling hitting me- somethings different, hes going to break up with you. He complimented that my hair looked soft. I asked him if he wanted to go get food before he had to leave, he said no he really had to go- and left. My panic set in like fucking crazy and I just tried to shove it down as far as I could so that I could concentrate on retaking my capstone exam. When I got to his house- I stayed over his house the night before capstone since he offered, he showed me that he had made me my own drawer. He put some things I accidently left there in it. He said now I can have my own space there to feel comfortable. That made me so happy, but inside I was so confused and axious because he was so different I could sense it but couldnt put it into words why. So I would try to explain to him, and he would deny it- everythings fine etc you have no examples what are you even saying. I laid there sobbing and got up and collected my things to go anywhere else- maybe Christinas maybe Anishas, all I knew was I needed to get the fuck away and concentrate to pass my retake exam the next day. He looked over and saw me doing that and finally gave me physical touch and grabbed me, pulled me close, and said come on you need sleep and played with my hair and that was one of the very few times of sincere feelings of connecting on a deeper level of intimacy that I can remember from my whole relationship with Bernie. We woke up next morning and took our test and I remember saying good luck to him and whatnot and he treated it extremely weird and formal . and I assumed it was because it was a serious situation- this retake. We both passed. I was so relieved. I got in his car (he drove me there) and we discussed our retakes. I asked him what he wanted to do with the rest of the day and if I could buy him a celebratory drink. He said uhhhh idk. I was like oh are you busy? He was like yea sorry. & I tried so hard to accept that and leave it. After about 20 min of silence, I asked... what are you busy with? And he said something like idk yet and I was like why dont you want to hangout with me? and he said welp I guess this is ganna be talked about then since you wont just let it be. & He stone cold, facing forward the whole time, zero eye contact at all, broke up with me. “This just isn’t what I want anymore. I just don’t love you anymore. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do, I just don’t love you.” I asked him 500 million thousand questions, considering it was still about a half hour drive to his house, where my car and belongings were. I asked him since when? But you never told me you were unhappy? Can you just tell me specifics so I can work on myself? He didn’t provide answers. He just said he didn’t love me anymore. We got to his house and I put my backpack in my trunk. I went upstairs and collected my things, including everything from the drawer he just gave me that same weekend. He stood there and (finally) switched from cold to looked upset as he watched me get my shit. I walked downstairs and he walked behind me. I put all my things in my car, and I grabbed this stuffed animal from my backseat that he gave me and handed it back to him as I choked on my own tears and snot. He looked shocked that I gave it to him. He said “But i got this for you!” and i said why would you think I would want to keep this? He said if you’re sure alright and looked really upset. I shut the door to my car and he walked back inside. I drove to Staten Island and sobbed to Mike and eventually Christina when she was done with work.

We had about a month’s break until school again. I felt so so so so so so so down. I could not stop crying. My head was beating from crying. I couldn’t eat. I lost so much weight because I legit had 0 appetite. I couldn’t sleep. I laid in my bed desperately trying to sleep, would fall asleep for just enough time to have a dream about him and wake up sobbing. I would re-read old messages over and over to convince myself that it happened, he was real, I wasn’t crazy. I felt like the relationship was made up in my mind and that I was the only one who endured it. At work one day I asked for closure and I sat in the car after my shift and read to him my note I typed out asking what I did or what happened. He provided no answers yet again and said I just dont love you. I felt like a fuckin zombie. I remember asking him one day if we could still snowboard or still play overwatch together and him saying he would think about it. Eventually he happened to invite me into a game on overwatch the same night Liam asked me to get Ralphs ices. I played some games with him then said I had to go and logged off to get Ralphs. Soon, we had school. We were still in the same hotel room. We tried to act normal, and would talk here or there. OR he would talk, I would ignore. He made comments to me like “An amazing girl got me these” and it was boxers I had bought him. He bought my favorite wine one night to the hotel and brought it to where it was in my site and poured a glass then asked if I wanted some. I said no. We went and got taco bell with classmates for lunch and he sent me a text asking if I wanted to be friends with benefits. I said no I couldnt emotionally handle that. He said okay and that he understood that. At some other point, we walked me christina & him to get chinese food. Christina went inside to go get it and while she was inside, bernie kicked the wall a little bit softly and turned and looked at me and was like so I wanted to tell you something. And said he wanted to get back together and that he fucked up. I dont even know what i responded, maybe I said something like are you kidding. As all of that was happening, him making these comments and shit-  I was just so relieved to know that it was real. That he was real and those weeks I spent feeling fucking crazy- I wasn’t crazy. I remember one night we slept in the same bed and I just laid there and cried and said I didnt want him to touch me or to touch him, even though inside it was the only thing I wanted. He wanted to kiss me and low key kept trying to, brought his face closer to mine and opened his mouth in that slight way. Eventually I think I did kiss him- and it made me sob. I knew he wanted to fuck & it made me cry more to think about it. & I told him it would take a really long time for me to ever adjust or be okay with that in any way and he just kept saying I know. 

We would talk on the phone for hours at a time when I was driving home from school or staten island or work or whatever- and i called him out on everything. I told him hes so fucked up and needs to address shit that his dad left him and he never accepted it and all this bullshit. He was silent most of the time, and listened. He told me I was “100% right” and that he could never take back damage that was done. He asked me eventually to go meet with him and his friends in the city, not to be together- just to hang out. I stupidly said yes.  

That was the weekend we “reconnected”, I guess. Being with his friends again and we went on a hike together and just being back into the swing of it, was so comfortable and better than the fucking misery I was in at home for weeks not eating or sleeping. It was so nice to sleep and eat and live and laugh. 

We were back together! Things were great! The same shit went on in the background, same problems as before. He would talk to girls behind my back- I would either ignore it because I didn’t want to fight, or I would mention it and we would fight. I would find things out and have to wait to confront him until in person so he would accept blame and apologize- otherwise, when I was away at home and he was home- he would flip it onto me. 

I remember driving to go snowboarding, he fell and got hurt so we went home early. I bought him some water and snacks and helped him into the car- took his boots off so he didn’t have to bend down. He fell asleep and I wanted to stay awake while driving and stopped at a rest stop. He woke up and wanted food. We got food and while we were sitting inside, this guy was STARING at me making me feel really uncomfortable so I asked if we could eat in the car. Bernie immediately was super grumpy and I was just like oh fuck here we go.. we walked to the car and I felt so guilty that he was angry about going to the car. I said I was sorry and asked if he wanted to go back in and he turned around and SCREAMMMMMED at me in this fucking parking lot. he threw his food and tears were rolling down his face out of anger. I wanted to die. I told him that I was sorry I didnt have two separate cars so that I could leave, and he said oh so you just want to leave when I’m at my worst? And that genuinely made me feel like a terrible person- I felt like I was in the wrong. (Ill say it again- what the fuck was wrong with me?) We drove home and once we got home this time, I was so used to this shit that I knew better than to try to talk about it or resolve any issue. I just let him sleep and I sat up on the couch, and put on greys anatomy to distract myself from what the fuck just happened and what was beginning to become normal to me. (!!!!!!!)

I have FLASHBACKSSSSS to times spent with this person that I can’t even fill in gaps for. Him slapping me in the face!!!!  him screaming at me in his house waking his mom and sister up which I felt embarrassed about even though it was HIM!!!!! I can’t believe anyone- nevermind my own fucking self- ever experienced any of this. He just knew what to say to twist my mind into thinking it was my fault. I would get up collect my things to leave when he would yell and he would say if I cant handle him at his worst I cant have him at all, or say okay Im leaving just like everyone always leaves him. & Then I would feel horrible. How could I leave someone saying that? (I should of)

Yet still, why does my mind wander to the Filipino restaurant where the staff knew me as “his partner” because I would leave while he was sleeping and get his favorites. I legit learned another fuckin language for this MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!! Who did not deserve it for one single second! Master manipulator! I cant believe the memories that I am typing here and I cant believe it was my life. 

This relationship was fucking horrible and I do not understand why or how or EVEN WHO I WAS during this time. I really wanted to write this because it is so easy to loose yourself in periods of vulnerability. I really do feel like everything happens for a reason. However, there’s someone that just always comes to my mind that has sort of always been in the background since I met him at school and I feel like there was just so much time wasted in every capacity on Bernie that it may have fucked it all up for this other person/opportunity. But if it did, it must have happened for a reason. I needed to find myself in this drastic way and I know I’m better for it. I feel returned to my body after 2 years of being lost. 

Anyway, one night I went out to eat with Emily and he was pissed the fuck offfffff about it, although he would never admit that was the reason. I felt guilty that he was upset- I sent him a pic of the menu and said I would bring him there next time he came to LI. The next day, after a 10 hour shift of clinical- I get a CALL from him. All day, I kinda knew it. I remember thinking to myself “why would he break up with you? theres no reason for that- get it out of your mind”. He said bullshit intro- hey how was your day (not genuinely), I said fine, whats up and he said “well...” and I immediately laughed. I said “are you breaking up with me right now” and he said well I was thinking a lot last night and I think we need to stop seeing each other. And I laughed and said okay just to clarify- you thought about it for literally one night? 12 hours? he said yes. I said okay, and before that- did you have any thought in your mind about wanting to break up? he said no but jackie stop. I said okay, when you collect my things- make sure you get everything. & we hung up. Prob a 5 minute phone call. He had such a cold angry tone that sounded exactly like the first time- he blamed me and made me feel like I betrayed him in some way that he was breaking up with me for. 

This time, I could sleep and eat. Although I was upset, it was 500 million times easier than the first time. In fact, it was a RELIEF to not have the responsibility anymore to sit up wondering who he’s with or what he’s lying about. 

It was much easier to cope with (since I was expecting) him to crawl his way (or try to) back into my life after this time- months of being MIA. He tried so much shit and I am very very relieved to know that I’m back in my right fucking mind.

I accept what happened, and the hardest part is stopping blaming myself. I was in a vulnerable spot, and someone manipulative swooped in. As much as I might want to forget, or take it back- I can’t. So I will remember it, learn, and be better for it. 

This past week, after I got a “are you awake” text, 2 missed calls, and a voicemail asking to get coffee at 6AM followed by him liking old DM messages on instagram- I went off. & It felt so fucking gooooooooooood. Fuck Y O U R S E L FFFFFFFFFFFF.

How Long Can It Take To Get An Ex Back Eye-Opening Cool Ideas

Get out of yourself and be honest with your hobbies, do everything possible to keep in touch with them.In other instances it's not everything to them.Their relationship grew stronger as a denial of freedom of choice, intrusion of privacy, and lack of confidence.Is he tired of trying to bother him or have any experience in fixing relationships?

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Actually, it's quite an advantage because it really possible to get back together again!Radiate happiness with your physical attributes, with all of these methods can be saved if you have a second time would be feeling and showing my ex was NOT a good thing for your relationship failed, you won't be able to move forward with an ex.This would be able to do this, you are not prepared to get a fresh view of the situation on what to do so.Perhaps you have to be moping around at home waiting for your ideals to be with, positive and creative ways of getting back together again.New Years Eve she crushed my dreams when we lose it, we can make is to surprise him by surprise and as individuals we tend to say anything.

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How To Get My Ex Bf Back From A Rebound Relationship

This is going to get your ex back depends on making your ex - all rolled into one.Just sit out for coffee or lunch, or just for the right way & a wrong way to a show or movie?The first advice I have been ruined before they even got married in the first obstacle and it died through inattention you can get your ex back.Seeking for generally the same time, you need dumped advice referred to below.Here are some proven actions you will take your mind off of her.

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Time away from them completely and let the relationship for any reason and expressing how much experience do they say to get back in my life.These tips alone will not hear from you for this.Again, look at just what you are reading this article is very powerful and they will more than likely call you soon and you still love each other, but you aren't alone and never call.Almost everyone thinks they understand how frustrating it can be there ready and willing enough to make him jealous.Stay cool and collected gets his attention to if he is coming from.

How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back By Being Friends

Rebound Girl Pt. 3

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x reader

Word Count: ~2000

Warnings: fluff, even though it’s not in this chapter: Anti Danneel

Summary: Everything seems fine until someone shows up at your front door. haha sorry this summary really sucks

A/N: Part 3 to my series that is my entry for @casbabydontgoineedyou‘s 1k follower challenge.

Catch up here

Part 3

Reader’s POV

During dinner you didn’t say a word. You weren’t sure if you would have bolted if you could have. Maybe you shouldn’t have met him just yet and still taken some time to think about everything.

“I am here because I want to be in a relationship with you, because I see a future with you by my side”. Jensen’s words lingered in your head. He sounded so sincere, so honest. It made your heart race and maybe, just maybe, it let your imagination run wild. A future with him would include everything you ever wanted to have with him. Marriage, kids, growing old together with dozens of grand kids who played in your garden, the Impala parked in your garage and Jensen would take you on spontaneous rides on your anniversaries… your mind played out various scenarios.

This was what you wanted. This and nothing else. Tears sprang to your eyes and you quickly looked down on your food, putting another mouthful on your fork, to suppress them. If the thought alone of you being with Jensen could make you this happy how happy could you be if you actually were with Jensen?

Soon the both of you were done eating. You appreciated that Jensen didn’t push you to talk – or to decide. This would have probably pushed you further away than closer to him. But on the other hand you had made your decision and you just waited for the right moment to announce it. You decided to do the only right thing there was to do.

It didn’t take long and one of the waiters came to clear the table. None of you ordered dessert but you wanted a glass of your favorite wine and Jensen ordered another one of his Scotch’s. When the waiter had left you looked at Jensen and smiled.

“Okay.”

You saw the confusion on Jensen’s face. He repeated what you said, not knowing what you were referring to. It was adorable to see his brain working but not coming to a  conclusion. Again you smiled and took his hand in yours, gently squeezing it.

“You are right. I don’t know where this will take us but I’m willing to try this with you.”

You saw Jensen’s face light up in a way you had never seen before. His eyes sparkled and he smiled his signature smile, just with a new spark… of love?

Jensen inched closer to you and looked you in the eyes. “Really?”

You only nodded, inching a bit closer to him as well. You hoped that he would finally make the last steps and pressed his lips onto yours but he didn’t. Biting your lower lip you already started to back away slightly when he gently squeezed your hand.

“I would like to kiss you right now?”

Your heart began to race even more. The way he said it, so sweet and innocent, made you smile. There wasn’t anything left to say so you nodded and then you felt his lips onto yours.

The kiss was exactly like you dreamed your first kiss with Jensen would be. Only that you weren’t in your bed imagining it but he was truly kissing you. It felt like everything had stopped; the world stopped turning, the time stopped running and every storm inside of you calmed down but it also felt as if everything was set on fire. Goosebumps spread all over your body and you could hear your heart beating in your ear. It felt so right; so perfect. His lips were soft and warm and he kissed you carefully, as if he was afraid of asking too much of you, but passionate. Maybe it was even better than you had ever imagined your first kiss would be.

Unfortunately it was over way to soon. You could have kissed him forever. Just when your lips parted you saw the waiter reappear with your drinks. He smiled and while he put down the drinks in front you he said something that sounded like “I thought you guys would never make it” and you giggled.

“I am glad you give me a chance”, Jensen whispered when the waiter left.

“I know I gave you a hard time but it really threw me off when you admitted your feelings and… I was afraid. Like I said, if this goes sideways I won’t just lose you as my boyfriend but also my best friend. But I am in love with you for almost four years and I’d be stupid if I didn’t give us a chance.”

Jensen waved you with your head over to him and you gladly got up and over to him, on his lap. You snuggled up to him, hiding your face in the crook of his neck. Taking in his scent a lot of memories came to your mind. It reminded you of all the warm summer nights in Dallas you had spent sitting on a roof and watching the stars and of all the other good things you had experienced together.

“YN, I promise you, you won’t lose me. Not as your boyfriend and especially not as your best friend. My feelings for you won’t change. And yes, maybe I should have waited a little while longer but when I left Danneel… I saw how bad she was for me, how she poisoned my heart. And then there you were and you brought the life back into me – more than you ever had before.” He kissed you on the top of your head and you felt him press you even harder into him. “And if you want to we can take it slow. No expectations, YN, just you and me enjoying what we feel right now, okay?” Again he pressed his lips to your hair and you smiled.

“That sounds perfect, Jensen!” Was all you answered.

Then you realized that the sun was setting and you smiled. The evening couldn’t get any better. You and Jensen were a thing now and you were sitting in his lap, watching the sunset on the roof of your favorite restaurant.

Jensen’s POV I was awake before YN was but I didn’t mind. It gave me a chance to enjoy her sleeping beauty. She was lying next to me, one hand under her mouth, the other arm was stretched out behind her. One leg was bend and her knee almost touched her elbow of the arm that she had under her face and the other one was stretched out, just like her arm. And she was drooling on her hand. Her hair was a mess and leftovers of her mascara were smudged under her eyes.

Shaking my head I bit my lip. I couldn’t believe that she was my girl now. I replayed yesterday’s evening in my head over and over again. I would have never thought that such a simple word as okay would change everything. Especially after the bumpy start of the evening.

I softly reached out to her and let my fingertips trace the outline of her forearm. YN let out a content sigh and for a second I was afraid I would have woken her up. A smile spread on her lips and she moved so that she was left in the fetal position. Pressing one last, soft kiss to her forehead, I got up.

Jared and I didn’t need to be on set until this afternoon so there was no need to hurry and I decided to surprise YN with breakfast.

This was probably the happiest morning I’d had in a long time, especially when considering the last two weeks. I prepared pancakes and scrambled eggs with bacon, made coffee and even freshly pressed orange juice. Additionally I sliced strawberries and a watermelon. Just when I had set everything on a tray I heard the soft patting of bare feet on my floor.

“G’morning”, YN said and rubbed her eyes. Then a little yawn escaped her and she laughed shyly. “Sorry.”

“Good morning, babe”, I said and went over to her to hug her. Still having one of my arms wrapped around her waist, I kissed her.

Then her head peaked around me and she smiled. “Wow, you made all of that?” I nodded proudly. “You know, Ackles, you shouldn’t raise my expectations. I could get used to that quite easily.”

Again, I kissed her. “I wouldn’t mind going to the end of the world for you every morning.”

YN started to double with laughter and I let go of her, looking at her suspiciously. Man, I’m trying to be cute and she laughs at me!

“Nice try, Jay, but I don’t need this cheesy crap. I just want my Jensen the way I have known him for all my life. And a cup of coffee.”

I bit my lip. I almost wanted to say these famous three words already but I know it would have been way too soon to say them. Especially as we wanted to take it slow. I had never been someone to say I love you easily but with YN I somehow couldn’t wait to finally say it.

“Urgh, I hate that I need to go”, I said against YN’s lips. She pressed hers against mine one last time and then she opened the door and basically kicked me out.

“Jensen, go. Clif is already waiting and you won’t be gone long. I’ll be here when you come back tonight.”

I quickly pressed my lips on hers again. “You are perfect!”

YN laughed and said that I should tell her something she wouldn’t know and then I made my way reluctantly over to the car where Clif and Jared were waiting already. When I opened the door, loud cheering and applause greeted me.

“Finally, man!” Jared said and hugged me, playfully slapping my shoulder. Clif fist-bumped and congratulated me. “It was about damn time, Ackles!”

Readers POV

You closed the door and leaned against it, a stupidly big smile was plastered on your face. Wow. It felt so good to be with Jensen, to feel his lips on yours whenever you wanted, be close to him whenever you wanted. Even closer than you had ever been.

Shaking your head you rolled your eyes, but still smiled. It was insane. You were in love with your best friend and your best friend was in love with you as well. Your life couldn’t be better. You pushed yourself away from the door and made your way to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

As all of your clothes were still at the hotel you decided that it wouldn’t kill yourself if you took one of Jensen’s shirts and boxers. Placing them on the edge of the bathtub you undressed and then got into the shower.

To feel the hot water on your skin was amazing and it relaxed your tensed muscles. It seemed as if you were washing away all the tension of the last two weeks and especially of yesterday’s evening. You used Jensen’s body wash and shampoo and relished in its smell and liked the idea of smelling like him. It would almost be as if he was here.

If he was here… There were many other nice things you could do. While the water rained down on you, you tilted your head so that it hit the crook of your neck and you imagined that it was Jensen kissing you there and that it weren’t your hands that wandered along your body but his. A soft whimper escaped you but your thoughts were stopped dead as the doorbell rang.

At first you wanted to ignore it, use the time you had for yourself to yourself but after a few seconds the bell rang and whoever it was then kept ringing the stupid bell. You growled annoyed and turned the hot water off. This could have got a hell of a lot nicer if you only would have had a bit more time.

You quickly tied one of the bathing towels around your body and headed for the door. You faked a smile when you opened the door but it died when you saw who was standing there.

She cocked her eyebrows and crossed her arms. “I knew you were cheap but I didn’t expect you to be this pathetic.”

Read part 4 here

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Color Struck: My Loving Day Story

Paul and me in St. Thomas, April 2017. Photo credit: Toes in the Sand Photography.

This is the story of how I, a Multiracial woman, who despite being light, bright and clearly half White, met and married the only man who never made a big deal about my complexion. It’s the story of how after years of dating brothers who were color struck with me—even married one of them—I finally got it right.

A girlfriend of mine, Sara Renée, posed this question this morning in The Topaz Club, a Facebook group for Biracial / Mixed race women of African descent. “Is a relationship considered interracial if one person is mixed with the race of their partner? Example: I’m Black and white, my fiancé is Black.”

It got me thinking about my own relationship and how I met Paul. And I have decided yes, we are an interracial couple because he is monoracially Black. This is our Loving Day Story and how I couldn’t have gotten here had I not married a man who was color struck with me.

Color Struck: Flashback to 1995

Tony* was the guy every girl wanted to be with: tall, handsome, a great smile, and very nice and friendly. With a complexion like honey, Tony was fetishized by brown-complected women. He made White women feel he was just Black enough to piss off their parents, but not so Black they were forced to confront their own biases. We met and had a whirlwind relationship and within six weeks we were engaged.

I had no idea at the time he and his family had some serious color struck issues.

At the time we met, in November 1995, I was living in Southwest Washington, D.C. in a tiny studio apartment barely big enough for my two cats, Milo and Otis, and me. I had recently lost my mother and left a boyfriend who’d been a complete nightmare—physically and emotionally abusive. After breaking up with the man I “affectionately” refer to as “Time Travel Asshole” (we’ve all met him in one form or another), I wasn’t thinking about anything serious and really had no business dating yet. I needed to reflect on what my part was in that relationship so I could be sure not to choose a guy like that again.

So when I met Tony in one of those hip and trendy coffee shops, I should have enjoyed the flirting and walked away. The next thing I knew, I was having dinner with him. Wait, where had I been heading when I met him?

Whirlwinds Never Work! Especially When the Basis of the Romance is Being Color Struck!

I’ll cut to the chase here. Tony was a nice man. He was the opposite of the Time Travel Asshole. But, we had zero in common. He was a rebound—the kind of guy a woman who’s just come out of a bad relationship, who needs a “no-strings attached, hang from the rafters, never leave the bed, insane sex.”

He was not marriage material.

So what the hell was I thinking when he asked me to marry him just six weeks after we met? I should have walked away then, but I didn’t.

Then I met his color struck family and I really should have walked away, but I didn’t.

Tony’s mother couldn’t have been more thrilled. “Oh your babies gonna look so beautiful with their light skin and pretty hair.” OMG! I wanted to throw up after she said that.

Fast forward to May 1996 and it’s the rehearsal dinner the night before our wedding. My father had flown in from France (where he and my mom had retired to in 1988). It was a small thing with Tony’s parents, his sisters and their families. It was their first time meeting my father.

Tony’s mom asked to speak with me privately in the ladies’ room. “Sugah, you didn’t tell me your father was White.” She almost choked as the word White came out.

“Is that a problem?” I asked.

“Well, yes, you weren’t honest with us,” she responded.

“What difference does it make whether I am light complected and both my parents are Black, or whether my parents were different races and I am the complexion I am? Why is complexion such a big deal in your family?” I paused. “Why are you all so damn color struck? And if you’re lighter than me, doesn’t that mean you have a White parent or grandparent? I am not sure what it means but it definitely means there’s a lot of mixing on both sides of your family.”

“No, honey, my family has proudly maintained this light complexion by marrying other light complected people on both sides for generations.”

My jaw was dropping.

“What’s your mother?” Tony’s mother asked me. Her eyes were intense and narrowed. She was genuinely angry.

“Black and Japanese,” I said.

“Japanese? Excuse me? You mean to tell me you’re not even half and half?” she asked me.

My parents, circa 1986. They were married 7 years before the Loving vs. Virginia decision to ban anti-miscegenation laws.

“How did you think I got this light complexion? If my mother was only Black and my father White, don’t you think I would be darker than I am? I can’t believe I am having this conversation with you the night before I am going to marry your son and be married into your … family.” I felt dizzy and nauseated. I nearly fainted. It’s not at all how I imagined my life turning out.

“Oh sugah, image how we feel! We will never truly be able to welcome you into the family. Who knows what my grandchildren will look like now?”

I went to one of the stalls and threw up. I left the restaurant and walked home—five miles. I needed to be alone.

  Don’t ask me why but the next morning I got up convinced I had to go through with this wedding. I committed to him and we were going to do this. And we were going to fight this insanity—as husband and wife. I dug my heels in.

When his family showed up to the church, they couldn’t have been more disrespectful. They sat in the front pew and all of them wore black and dark glasses during the entire ceremony. What was this to them, a fucking funeral? During the reception nobody in his family said more than five words to me, and whatever they did say was rude.

There’s Only So Much of These Color Struck Shenanigans a Girl Can Take

During the reception, I pulled Paul—Tony’s best man—aside. I asked him what this color struck shit was. “Oh, Tony’s family has been like that since we were kids. Tony once had a girlfriend who was the complexion of Maya Angelou and they used to call her Sheronda that Black A$$ N*****er! They could never say just her name when they talked about her.”

What had I done? Why had I gone through with it? I hadn’t met anyone like this before. I knew White people who were racist against Blacks and even Blacks who had serious distrust of White people, but I had never met people of color who were so color struck to the point where my having a White father was a problem, or where my new husband’s ex was considered too dark. This was all such a new and upsetting experience for me.

There was never any marital bliss for Tony and me. Six months into the marriage I saw his family less and less frequently, and the few times we saw each other, things usually turned ugly quickly.

Not long after we were married, Paul had started having problems with his girlfriend. He called the house to talk with Tony about it, hoping he could shed some light. Or maybe Paul just needed a male shoulder to cry on.

As soon as Tony would see Paul’s number come up on the caller ID, he’d say, “You pick up. You’re better at this stuff than I am.”

  At one point I confided to Paul that Tony was staying out a lot and that I had suspected he was cheating. Paul hadn’t believed Tony capable of cheating and he kept encouraging us to try and work it out. Paul suggested we move out of the area—get some distance from his family.

  I called my father to talk with him about it. He told me he was so sorry but that he’d always thought I’d married the wrong man. “Your mother would have loved Paul! Have you ever thought about dating him?”

We ended our conversation and he had me thinking. That night I told Tony I wanted a divorce. There were no fireworks. He didn’t ask why or even beg me to stay. I moved out a few days later and found a group house with three single women. The house was perfect for Milo, Otis and me—and my new single girlfriends.

Tony and I divorced nearly a year to the day we had gotten married. No drama and in truth, we parted on good terms. Then two things happened.

First, Tony admitted he’d father a child with his ex-girlfriend—the one his family used to call “Sheronda that Black A$$ N*****er!” Their child was due in just a couple of weeks, which meant my suspicions were right. He’d cheated before I asked for a divorce.

I actually felt genuine happiness for him. I suspected he’d always loved Sheronda and maybe this would be what he needed to live his life and not his family’s.

Second, Paul admitted he’d been in love with me since before I married Tony. This, you can imagine, was slightly awkward. Not that I wasn’t attracted to Paul. I was, but I was concerned what people would think—particularly Paul’s family.

On Thanksgiving Day 1997, several months after my divorce was final, I met Paul’s family. One of the first things I noticed was that their family—like mine—spanned the rainbow.

Both parents were Black, but like so many in the United States, due to miscegenation, his mother was even lighter in complexion than I am. His father was very dark in complexion, and Paul and his sisters’ looks reflected this mixing.

Paul’s family knows how I met Paul but until now, only four or five other people outside his family knew how we met. It’s not that we’re ashamed, but you know how people can be.

So why am I sharing this story so openly? As Paul and I are a few months away from being together for 20 years, married 16 and a half those years, people can think what they want, but clearly my father was right—I had married the wrong man the first time.

I have since corrected that mistake.

With the 50th anniversary of Loving Day less than two weeks away, if you would like to share your Loving Day story, please use the submit button. If you would like to submit a photo of your interracial relationship and/or multiracial family, please use this submit button. We’ll turn it into a #LovingPortrait and add it to our gallery.

  *For obvious reasons, I have changed my ex-husband’s name.

                            Color Struck: My Loving Day Story if you want to check out other voices of the Multiracial Community click here Multiracial Media

The 15 Best Justin Bieber Songs

The 15 Best Justin Bieber Songs

When it comes to pop reinvention, Madonna may be queen, but Justin Bieber is an undeniable king. He started as the cherub-faced heartthrob of your tweenage dreams, quickly grew up into public cultural enemy number one, and somehow rebounded as someone hipsters, dance fans, pop kids, and R&B lovers could agree on.

Throughout his many phases, the one thing that’s remained constant is the music. If anything, the quality has exponentially increased. Love or hate him – and most people love him now – Bieber is a talented singer, songwriter, musician, and dancer. He’s the total package, and his choice in collaborators is more than impressive. Here we go through our picks for the 15 best Justin Bieber songs from the start of his career to now. Enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z5-P9v3F8w

15. Justin Bieber – “Never Say Never” feat. Jaden Smith

Will Smith is one of Bieber’s ultimate mentors, so of course he and son Jaden Smith got together in the studio when young Smith’s remake of Karate Kid needed a soundtrack. “Never Say Never” still has a bit of young cheese, but it went on to be one of Bieber’s defining early career moments. It was originally written as an adult song called “Sexy Together,” but writers changed the message to reflect one of great courage and confidence, a much more important message for kids to hear, and in 2010, the great majority of Bieber’s fans were still young tweens.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4em3LKQCAQ

14. Justin Bieber – “As Long As You Love Me” feat. Big Sean

Who’s ready for some Bieb-step? It’s like dubstep, except it’s Justin Bieber. You get it. This song tries to be a bit dark, but it’s more pink sugar than it is black coffee. It’s still one of the highlights of any Justin Bieber set. The Big Sean feature isn’t the rapper’s best work, but it gives the song a bit of added bite, and who doesn’t enjoy a few verses from Big Sean?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXUSaVw3Mvk

13. Justin Bieber – “One Less Lonely Girl”

You know why you can’t help loving this Justin Bieber song? Because Usher wrote and produced it. That and the angelic voice of 14-year-old Bieber is sweeter than honey on vanilla ice cream. While a lot of the baby Bieber tunes are overly saccharine and don’t necessarily translate into our adult lives, “One Less Lonely Girl” is one of those kiddy pop songs that transcends your tweenage puppy love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ys7-6_t7OEQ

12. Justin Bieber – “Beauty and a Beat” feat. Nicki Minaj

Remember when Justin Bieber’s “computer was stolen” and someone threatened to release the personal footage contained within? The world waited with baited breath (some of us, anyway) for the juicy details, but in the end, it was just a ploy to drum up excitement for this Bieber video. It is a good jam, though, and it represents Bieber’s first strong step onto the dance floor. It’s produced by Zedd and Max Martin, which explains that crunchy synth breakdown I love so much. It was originally written for someone else, but it was Bieber’s idea to put Minaj on the track. Well done, sir.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdx7gN1UyX0

11. Justin Bieber – “Company”

Love in the 21st Century is hard. You want to get to know someone, but you have to keep a healthy distance. It’s the game we’ve created for ourselves, and though none of us really wants to play, them’s the rules. “Company” is a beautiful take on modern romance, a sweet invitation to come closer while maintaining the perfect veil of coy casualty, and it’s just a damn good pop song.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GuqB1BQVr4

10. Justin Bieber – “Boyfriend”

I know Bieber’s reinvention campaign really kicked off with Jack Ü and the Purpose album, but for me, the turning point from teenage hearthrob to adult-ready pop star was “Boyfriend.” That darker sound, that whisper intro, it’s so sexual it almost hurts – even though he still looks like a cherub. Many comparisons have been made to Justin Timberlake’s step-out solo single “Girlfriend,” from the obvious title mirroring down to the similar parking lot pimpin’ music video treatment. This was Bieber stepping out into his “swag” trap ish, and if we listen closely, we can hear the incoming dance music production partnerships coming a mile a minute.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JC2yu2a9sHk

9. Justin Bieber – “All That Matters”

Sunday slow jam me so hard with this song. This is some slinky, bluesy, babe magic. The acoustic guitar mixes with the harsh electronic beat perfectly, creating a modern R&B sound that can bridge audiences and age gaps. The lyrics were written during a “happy time” in Bieber and Selena Gomez’ relationship, which is kind of heartbreaking but adorable at the same time. Play this at my wedding, and then again at the honeymoon when no one is watching.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47YClVMlthI

8. Justin Bieber – “Confident” feat. Chance the Rapper

This was another one of those music videos that pulled Bieber into the world of awkward adult lust. These dance moves are too cute, as is our boy. That he teamed up with Chance the Rapper only solidified my strange, building love for the Biebs, and this was before Chance had the Kanye co-sign. “Confident” is beat-heavy with a playful, wonky melody that sticks in your brain and won’t let go. Definitely some feel yourself music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kffacxfA7G4

7. Justin Bieber – “Baby” feat. Ludacris

Justin Bieber is actually 16 on this song, though he looks and sounds like he could be 12. At that tender teen age, he stole our hearts with a saccharine hook that actually really stands the test of time. “Baby” may have been your tweenage little sister’s favorite jam and your dad’s least favorite song of 2010, but in retrospect, it’s an effing great pop tune. His childlike voice is so earnest and clear, and the fact that Ludacris co-signs a teenage heart throb is more than enough to tell you, this kid is up to something. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DK_0jXPuIr0

6. Justin Bieber – “What Do You Mean”

First of all, this music video is freaking amazing. John Leguizamo is a national treasure. Bless him for co-starring in this totally insane clip. Why does Bieber think faking an attempt to kidnap is a good date idea? As if falling into a skate park rave makes the trauma go away. That being said, Bieber’s tropical house follow up to Jack Ü breakout “Where Are Ü Now” is a fanciful, fun-loving breath of fresh pop air. He’s back in the studio with Skrillex and Diplo on this cut, which is turns out was not a solitary experience in any way imaginable. Skrillex is all over the Purpose album, and this is one of the best take-aways.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvIARf_SUU

5. Major Lazer – “Cold Water” feat. Justin Bieber & MØ

Bieber’s third phase career as one of the leading dance music vocalists continues to amaze. This collaboration with Major Lazer is a great follow-up to the work he did with Jack Ü, and the addition of MØ’s instantly-recognizable rasp is as bolstering as the bright horn work on the hook. It’s got a bit of that dancehall flavor Major Lazer is known for, but it’s still one of the poppiest works from the trio to date. Put this tune on when you’ve got a friend who needs a life saver and a night on the dance floor.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euCqAq6BRa4

4. DJ Snake – “Let Me Love You” ft. Justin Bieber

Once Bieber found such success with Skrillex and Diplo, the dance producer flood gates were opened. DJ Snake had to get his own Bieber-assisted super hit, and “Let Me Love You” is one of those pop songs you hear and instantly want to hear again. It’s got that same wonky horn synth from “Lean On,” and it’s got all the dreamy falsetto a young heart can handle. It’s one of the best tunes from DJ Snake’s debut LP Encore, and it was one of the biggest moments of his recent Main Stage closing set at 2017’s Ultra Music Festival in Miami. We can’t help thinking Bieber had a huge part in the song’s success, because, well, he always does, right?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyEuk8j8imI

3. Justin Bieber – “Love Yourself”

I hereby nominate “Love Yourself” as being the Justin Bieber song with the best lyrics. First of all, opening your track by berating someone for using your name to get into clubs is a clutch superstar move. Also, a chorus all about how your mom likes everyone except your ex is absolutely brilliant. We’ve got to give a nod to Ed Sheeran to the songwriting assist, but we are pretty sure we here honest Bieber all over this. It’s an overly-simple tune, mostly just Bieber and an acoustic guitar with a bit of trumpet thrown in for good measure. It’s incredibly raw, when you think about it, but it plays like a celebratory pop anthem. It’s quite vulnerable for mainstream radio, and Bieber pulls it off with grace and the gusto of a man who knows exactly what he’s doing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRh_vgS2dFE

2. Justin Bieber – “Sorry”

The Bieb’s big reinvention LP Purpose is, at its core, all about forgiveness. We as fans needed to forgive him for that weird period where everyone decided he was the worst – or the best, depending on how you feel about young, famous tricksters. He needed to forgive himself for making an ass of himself publicly, and of course, there’s the whole romantic notion of Bieber apologizing to the women (cough Selena Gomez cough) he may have hurt along the road to maturity. “Sorry” is, in that sense, the peak of the Purpose album. Thinly veiled as an amorous apology, he’s just laying it all out over an infectious rhythm with a hook that can’t be denied. Oh Justin, when you come into the room looking like this and singing like that, we just can’t help but forgive you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nntGTK2Fhb0

1. Jack Ü – “Where Are Ü Now” ft. Justin Bieber

I once saw Bieber’s famous manager Scooter Braun give a talk at P. Diddy’s Revolt Music Conference, and he said the moment he knew they had won the Bieber reinvention campaign was when he took the stage at Ultra Music Festival Miami with Skrillex and Diplo, and nobody boo’d. Bieber greeted the Main Stage and performed this song live with the Jack Ü crew, and it was straight glorious. The work with Jack Ü helped solidify Bieber’s new sound as an adult pop star. It’s more grown-up, but it’s still got that sheen of candy-colored fantasy. The pitched-up vocal line in the hook is instantly recognizable and was certainly a game changer in the pop and dance production world at the time. “Where Are Ü Now” is truly a milestone in the pop-dance crossover canon, and it will remain on of Bieber, Skrillex, and Diplo’s best songs for perceivably the rest of the trio’s career.

This article originally appeared on Billboard.

https://tunecollective.com/2017/04/27/the-15-best-justin-bieber-songs/