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legobiwan · 2 months

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Happy MAR10!

I was going to wait on releasing this until I had all three chapters ready to go, but I haven't posted any writing in a dog's age and I figured, "why not?"

This story might not make total sense unless you've read bisbigliando and jet whistle, as it takes place in the same universe/deals with the fallout from the same series of events. YMMV, as they say.

Despite the fact the catalyst for the events of this story is Luigi, he doesn't actually make an appearance here. Instead, I give you a couple hundred words of Bowser and Mario griping at each other, with a side of Bowser's bureaucratic headaches.

Working title: guttural flutter

(Yes, the origin of all the titles in this series is extended flute techniques. Yes, I am a massive nerd).

~~~~~~

It all started when Red showed up on his doorstep.

Showed up. Right. Like that pipsqueak ever did anything in his castle that didn’t involve crashing, banging, pounding, or general destruction of state and personal property.

No. Red never showed up anywhere. He arrived. Today, the puny human had catapulted through two sets of iron doors and at least eight Koopatrol guards (eight soon-to-be former Koopatrol guards, that was). All of this accomplished with the grace of a cherry-colored, irate bowling ball. Coin counts and manpower reports hovered menacingly on the periphery of Bowser’s mind as Red marched down towards the center of his throne room, tossing aside bits of metal debris with a growl, kicking aside a hapless Goomba tailor caught in the plumber’s angry crossfire.

Great. Not only would he have to go groveling to Sylmar in order to increase Red’s destruction byline in the royal budget - again - but on top of it all, he was going to have to break in a new tailor.

I haven't even done anything this time! Bowser groused. No kidnappings, no invasions, no schemes. Granted, it was still early in the day, but give a Koopa a break!

“I just had those doors replaced!” Bowser squawked, jabbing a single claw in the direction of the massacred bits of wood and metal. “And don’t think I won’t be sending you the bill by express Parakarry. With interest!”

Like that mattered to Red. He didn’t have to worry about his accountants breathing down his neck. Not that the plumber was listening, anyway, not when he was looking as steamed as a Goomba in a firebath.

“Shut it, Bowser. I don’t give a damn about your stupid doors.”

Bowser rocketed from his throne, swinging his fist above his head. “Hey, you don’t get to barge in here and tell me - “

“I need your help, you dumb reptile!”

That was enough to stop Bowser dead in his tracks, jaw frozen open like those gaudy statues over in the west corridor. Fire and ash, he hated those things. Almost as much as the growling, coiled spring of a man before him. Had Red hit his head one too many times or something? Bowser knew guy hadn’t been quite the same after the whole Chaos Heart fiasco a few months back - everyone knew that, even if they never talked about it - but he didn’t think things had gotten this bad.

Mario gave a vicious cut with his arm, slicing through empty air. “No, forget that,” he muttered, kicking at the floor, scowling. A group of wide-eyed Goombas tittered nervously off to the side, torn between cleaning up the mess of splinters and strewn metal and ogling the unstable plumber. “He’s going to help, he has to,” Mario mumbled as he turned on his heel, stabbing a pointed finger in Bowser’s direction. “You’re going to help me."

“I am?” Bowser asked, dumbly. What had gotten into Red?

“You - we - we need to break into the lab. That’s step one. And then we need to pull off a kidnapping. That’s what you do, right? You’re good at that.” Mario paused, letting out a humorless, half-huff. “Well, at least you like kidnapping, and that’s good enough for me.”

Like kidnapping? Not like those stupid treaties have given me any other choice. I ain’t telling Red that, though.

“Woah, woah, woah! Put the brakes on, Red!” Bowser fumed as he stalked down the small dais, coming to meet Mario snout-to-eye. It was one thing to storm into his castle demanding help. It was quite another to insult his foreign policy prowess at the same time. “I’m the best kidnapper there is and you know it!”

Mario gave a jagged, toothy grin. “Yeah, well,” he sneered, “we’re going after somebody who might have you beat in that department.”

“Oh yeah? What’d they do that I can’t?” Bowser huffed, crossing his arms with a fiery, disgusted snort. Wait, we're going after someone? Why am I even a conversation conversation with a man who broke into my home and looks like he’s downed five cups of Chuckoccino?

“Simple.” Red’s smile turned rancid as he pressed his thumbs into his chest. “They managed to kidnap me.”

Kidnap Red? Yeah, right. If only. Not that thought hadn’t crossed Bowser’s mind more than once. Shanghai Red and make the pesky plumber a permanent resident of his dungeons. Then he could make some actual progress on reclaiming his ancestral land. Save his Koopa power for infrastructure projects. Take a damn vacation. All of his problems solved, in one fell Koopa swoop.

Almost as many problems solved as created, your Scheming-ness, Kamek would remind him every time they danced around the topic. If nothing else, consider the massive increase in Mario’s budget byline that would need to get approved by Akooptant Sylmar. The doors, alone…

Ugh. That was enough to drape a damp tortoiseshell on the whole plan. Sylmar was more ancient than his ancestor’s ashes and half as pleasant to deal with, which wasn’t saying much.

Who could have kidnapped Red and gotten away with it? (And kept their doors intact, as well?) And why hadn’t Bowser known about it? That should have been front-page news, plastered all over the Mushroom Kingdom media.

…or maybe not. Broadcasting Red’s capture would have been equivalent to lighting up a neon sign flashing the words ‘Invade Now!’ The little fungus-faces might as well have escorted their enemies through the door personally if they had let that tidbit get out. Bowser tried to mentally run through any information his spies had gathered over the past year or so, recall any transmissions received through the completely legal (and compliant within the technical bounds of the Treaty of the Dunelands, lava bless his lawyers) Goomba Radio Network.

Gah, this was giving him a headache. Where the hell was Kamek when you needed him? Remembering old bits of useless trivia was his job. Bowser crossed his arms, tapping his clawed foot on the floor.

Wait a minute. Did this have something to so with that whole debacle last month? Red couldn’t mean -

Bowser squeezed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his snout as he swallowed down a massive groan.

This was insane. Even for him.

“You’re crazy, Red.”

Mario grit his teeth, shaking his head. “Not crazy. We break into the lab, grab the machine. Then we bring it here and get Iggy or Ludwig to work on the operating requirements - “

“Now wait a damned minute!” Bowser roared, taking a wide, thunderous stride forward. “You asked me for help, not my kids! I’m not dragging them into this suicidal circus!”

“I just need them to explain how to work the damned thing!”

Over my dead body. “Then get your engineering genius brother to explain it. He certainly seemed to know a lot about killer machines when he was working for - “

Mario was on him in an instant, barreling into Bowser’s abdomen, breath knocked clean from the Koopa as the two of them crashed to the solid floor in a tangle of flailing limbs. The harsh, metallic sigh of a dozen weapons being primed for combat sang throughout the high-ceilinged, bare throne room, Bowser having enough cognizance to wrest his left hand from Red’s iron grip, relaying the motion for “steady” to the High General of his personal guard.

“Don’t ever mention that again,” Mario hissed, spraying spittle all over the Koopa’s face, grabbing at Bowser’s spiked collar. “Capisce?”

Ca-what? “Yeah, great. Whatever. Now get the hell off me before my guards lose their patience.”

Twelve well-honed pikes hovered dangerously close to the soft, exposed skin of the plumber’s throat, razor-sharp points glinting with bloody promise. At the end of each long, wooden shaft, a dual set of coal-dark, implacable eyes narrowed in anticipation. The slightest whisper of an aggressive movement, a too-deep breath or a misplaced cough - Bowser knew it would be enough to result in a plumber shish-kabob.

And he really didn’t need that headache right now. Lay off, Red. For your own good.

Mario frowned, then paled slightly as his gaze landed on one of the hungry pinpoints floating near his Adam’s apple. Slowly, he relinquished his grip on Bowser’s collar, bringing both his open palms up by his shoulders as he stood. Bowser made a mental note to give his personal guard a raise sometime in the next month before waving a claw in the direction of the High General, who gave curt nod, pulling his weapon back to his side in one swift movement, the eleven other guards quickly following suit.

“You’re serious about this, aren’t you?” Bowser grumbled as he came to his feet, trying to muster whatever dregs of dignity he had left in this ridiculous situation.

Red’s only answer was an awful, vicious look.

“What, are you trying to get information about another invasion? Peach put you up to this? Doesn’t seem like her style.” Not that Peach wouldn’t resort to underhanded tactics - he knew that well enough by now. But there was no way she would have sent the perfect hero of the Mushroom Kingdom on some kind of secret hostage mission, and certainly not against someone who had technically saved all their hides not less than one month ago.

No, this was something else.

A thought occurred to him. Wispy secrets traded in dark corridors, undertones of speculation patched together in a noisy weapons room, rumors spilling from the painkiller-induced gossip of recovering soldiers in the healer’s den.

Bowser knew what vengeance looked like on a man, had seen it in the mirror a thousand times. He just never thought he’d recognize the same murderous intent staring back at him from Red’s face.

“This is about your brother, isn’t it? About the Glawackus invasion.”

Mario’s voice dropped to a dark, harsh whisper. “Information first. Then revenge.”

#hello there #writing #the eternal struggle #mario #bowser #luigi #GUESS WHO ELSE???????#i know i drafted most of this months ago #but even with the edits i just made #it's SO GOOD to WRITE #also i love darklands lore and culture #almost as much as i love bowser complaining about the day to day annoyances of ruling a kingdom #akooptant sylmar!#i haven't met you but i love you already hahahahhaa

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