#actually I’m being unfair I only mean Sydney when I say that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

langernameohnebedeutung · 3 years

Note

Top five magneto moments from the X-Men movies?

Ohhh...lemme think. (I tried picking from different films. It's not really in any order of preference, just scenes I think are neat.

1. aka the first one. I mean, not the first-first one or the second one or- but the first scene with Charles and Erik being Like That and doing their thing.

There's already at least one pretty popular post about why this scene is so damn good and how it tells us so much about these guys' dynamic without telling us much at all and I just really think it's well-done, well-acted. Especially since in the og movies, Mags and Charles aren't the main-characters so they don't get that much screen-time but this is what we need to know and there is just so much being communicated. I was kind of torn whether to pick this one or the very last one of the film but I chose this one bc I feel like the first one is more about Magneto (we already know he's going to be the villain right here, we learn what motivates him, we get some of the trademark bitchiness Ian McKellen brings to the character. Good stuff. Also when he walks off like: "We're the future, Charles! Not them! They no longer matter!" So much going on here.) while the end-one is more about Professor X. Also, for me the last scene actually elevates this one even further because of the way it makes this exchange frame the entire narrative of the film. You do get the sense that Charles and Erik are two chessplayers moving their pieces with the whole "What are you doing here?" - "Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answers?" and -

Like, you just get the sense that everything that happened between those scenes is just a little bit beneath them. It isn't any major break or change in their lives or relationship, they're the same as before and that also gives you an idea about the kind of history these guys already got to have.

2). Obviously.

Iconic. Show-stopping. Do I even need to say anything? Probably one of my favourite prison-break scenes ever put on screen. Everything about it. The dialogue, the violence, the "never trust a beautiful woman - especially one that's interested in you", the camera movement, the wink, the glass shattering and the cell coming apart, Ian McKellen floating on a metal/blood frisbee. This one has it all. Some physics guy on YouTube actually made a video about how powerful Magneto has to pull this off and apparently, this is a lot more impressive than any of the major property damage we see him cause across films.

3. Ah yes the Villa Gesell scene

Lemme say first: This scene is completely and utterly pointless from a plot-perspective. It's literally just a character moment. And I love character moments. It's just there to show us who Erik is and the film bends over backwards to justify this scene being in it: An entire stack of coincidences that is Shaw's photo hanging on the wall of this pub with the name of his boat clearly visible and he's sitting next to the two Nazis who happen to be sitting in this very pub right there and then and of course one of them has his Nazi knife with him (which is a very weird mixture of a Hitler Youth knife and an SS Honour Dagger and even ignoring that it's a mess bc they even forgot that German capitalises its nouns so why is the inscription all lower case and I'm the most annoying person on the planet to watch movies with but t-)

And the thing is - I actually like this entire scene even more for all of that. Because they could have just had that Swiss banker tell Mags where Shaw is. But instead, his entire trip to Argentinia is in there to let us see Erik kill Nazis and we get an exact sense of what he's doing with his life, who he is, how he is - and also did I mention dead Nazis? - I live for that (and also for a deleted scene where he sees a mother and her kid at the Argentinian airport and has a flashback and 😢).

I also like that it continues the pattern we get in the bank scene where he doesn't confront his targets directly but sets them up to incriminate themselves. We also get the "Frankenstein's Monster"-line which is something I have a lot of thoughts about - especially bc the whole "what makes us human/monsters"-question is a big deal in the movie. Also-also it sets up Charles 'head empty' moment from the finale of the movie where he tells Erik that the people CURRENTLY FIRING FUCKING NUCLEAR MISSILES AT THEM are just 'good innocent men' who are 'just following orders' and you just get the sense of how often Erik has heard this shit (also...thinking about how this film is set in 1962, meaning right after the Eichmann trial). There's just. A lot going on.

4. Oh let's be controversial!

ok I know this is something I know a lot of people hold against Erik and say it's one of his meanest and most unfair moments. but honestly? His anger is at least as earned as Charles' at this point and any take on this scene that is "one of them is right and the other is wrong" is ...boring. Erik once again lost people he cared about, he spent ten years in solitary confinement for a crime he didn't commit, he just learnt that literally everything that he warned about in the last film will happen (already has happened, partially), pretty much word for word ("Identification, that's how it starts. And ends with being rounded up, experimented on, eliminated.) to the point that an actual TIME-TRAVELLER comes back from the fucking future to tell them how bad they all fucked up.

(One of the things I like is that he doesn't make a difference between people who chose his side and people who chose Charles' side - he names Banshee along with Emma, Azazel, Angel. He's just sad about all of them. Generally, I'm still prissy that we never got to see him go full Magneto for any length of time in the prequels so him speaking of 'mutant brothers and sisters' is the closest we get to knowing what he would be like if they didn't always find some new weird between-movies plot for him like prison or starting a family in Poland or starting a leftist commune on an island - although I can kind of respect that one.)

Also anyone who ever had the misfortune of actually hearing me talk about this movie for any lengths of time knows I have...a lot of thoughts about Erik and his time in solitary confinement and I like that the first times we see his powers after he gets out after ten years of no metal, it's a huge mess. Erik as we know him from First Class would probably just wave his hands at those guards in the Pentagon kitchen and kill them with a few well-aimed knives in a blink of an eye - but this time around, he trashes the entire room and hits no one. And in the plane scene we see him lose control completely and almost bring down the plane once he snaps and you really get the sense that after ten years, he's no longer used to having metal around that reacts to his powers.

Also, in that same scene the mutual acknowledgement between him and Logan in the end? I liked that.

5. (almost) all scenes where he's just a giant menace to infrastructure and important landmarks.

Like the fact that he destroyed the Sydney opera house is just such a casual by-note, we don't even talk about that one. It's just how it goes, you know? The only let-down is that he literally went to France without taking down the Eiffel-Tower in DOFP? A giant metal structure? This is a serious oversight by the writers and really cheapens the whole movie-going experience. 2/10.

#fandom #x men #marvel #xmcu #erik lehnsherr

22 notes · View notes

xlady-saya · 4 years

Text

I’ve had a love of my own [ch. 4]

Relationships: andrew/neil

Summary: Despite everything Neil could’ve imagined for his life, he never thought he’d be here, finally giving the world the interview they’ve always wanted.

It’s been decades, but even with his numerous accolades and sports wins, he finds that they’re the least important thing about his life.

Neil can’t help but laugh. Andrew would be so annoyed if he were here.

Of course, Neil only wants to talk about him, and the life they spent together.

Tags: interviews, post canon, major character death but not how u think I swear lol, neil is an old man retelling his memories about andrew, cheesy romance, post retirement, see more tags on ao3

Read on ao3!

Rayah hands him tissues, but Neil passes them back.

She needs them.

Blake too, from the snot he's trying to wipe on the back of his hand. Weird, how Neil doesn't necessarily view this as a fond memory, or even the most important one he has to offer. It happened though, but he sees it more as a halfway point.

His journey with Andrew had really only begun, and he hadn't even known. So much time left, not infinite, but vast.

"You must've been so afraid," Rayah says, blowing into the tissue enough for Neil to lean back. He's glad they're there to break up the memory, he's become weak in his old age. Memories of the past can't come back to hurt him, Andrew taught him that.

Still, they can feel like barbed wire around his throat.

"I was," Neil affirms, checking his watch. Sydney will be due back soon, he can't linger much longer. "Andrew's reaction then was almost worse than the one on the court. Andrew was never violent with me, but I'd seen him lose control, I'd seen his rage. It had been so long...that was the first time in a long time he really looked like he wanted to tear the world apart."

Neil finally had a vague idea of what Baltimore was like for everyone else, and he finds himself grinning down at his hands.

"Funny, I was so worried about leaving Andrew," Neil mentions, and watches both Blake and Rayah freeze. When had they started hanging onto his words? He shakes his head, touching the watch on his wrist. "But now I'm here."

At their sad faces, he corrects himself, holding up his hands with a laugh. "No no, I don't see it the way I saw it then!" In fact, he sees it more how Andrew saw it. There was no way for them to be apart after everything they'd been through together. Neil's smile fades, his words serious, and he moves the recorder a little closer. His voice is crystal clear when he says: "Andrew didn't leave me. I was not abandoned."

He could never be abandoned by Andrew. Andrew helped him be at a place where he could never feel that way, and he did the same in return for Andrew. Had Neil gone first, he knows the blond would've managed in much the same way. As much as he would've mourned, he would've had his brother, the rest of their family. All of Neil's excessive Palmetto merch and memorabilia to look after...

They were never each other's answers, just something they didn't want to be without.

"I think I actually ended up being kind of happy, not when he died but later. Andrew's final act was a selfish one. He didn't want to be here without me, so he made sure it wouldn't happen."

Neil finds himself feeling smug, despite his aching. Andrew was someone who always did things for others, despite what he tried to convince people of. Knowing his last act was completely for himself...

Neil couldn't be prouder.

Okay, so he's not going to be able to remain strong. Neil grabs the tissues petulantly, overcome with it. He blames Andrew. "The bastard."

They look away out of respect while he sorts himself out, hands clasped.

Rayah's mascara smears a little when she goes to wipe her red eyes, sticky on her finger, and Blake is so engrossed he doesn't notice when she wipes it against his clean white shirt. He leans forward after a moment, and Neil isn't surprised. A reporter's curiosity is never sated. There's a fire in his eyes, urging Neil on. "What happened next?"

Ha. Now isn't that an interesting question?

Regardless of how terrified Neil felt in the moment, his smile has a smug edge to it when he recalls the night he arrived, the sound of a cane echoing at the back of Neil's head.

He leans back, and keeps his voice low. "They did eventually come."

One night, just as time bleeds over into the next day, there's a click of a lock that reverberates through their entire flat.

Neil instantly knows; the click is akin to a gunshot, a timer going off. No more hiding, nowhere to run.

At least Neil still has some of his reflexes.

Andrew shoots up, knife in hand in half a second, and Neil grabs his own legs like they can save him one last time. No, not himself, Andrew.

His legs, still wrapped up and healing, are not nearly ready for any excessive movements. Neil doesn't care; he throws them over Andrew as quick as he can, and cries out when they land.

It's excruciating.

Movement shouldn't be possible, but Neil has never listened to doctor's orders. The pain is the consequence; it's a blow torch on his tendons, searing every nerve and joint it can. His scream breaks off into strangled gasps, and he feels Andrew halt completely.

It's a dirty trick, but necessary.

Andrew's scowl is almost worse than the blaze of his joints, but Neil doesn't back down. He doesn't weigh much; Andrew could throw him aside with ease. But he won't. Neil's legs are pushed firmly in his lap, resting against his abdomen, pinning Andrew between his own body and the headboard.

There's no way to lunge without hurting Neil, and despite the way Andrew must be weighing the pros and cons of it in his head, Neil is his weak spot. Andrew edges forward in warning, but Neil digs his heels in and whimpers.

"Andrew," he pleads, and the sound from Andrew's throat makes him feel sick.

"Fuck off, Neil," he replies, teeth bared. It's unfair, he gets it. Andrew never got to fight, last time he didn't even know Neil would be taken away. But Neil can't, he just can't--

"No."

Stay down.

Neil wants Andrew to let him fight first, let him try his luck one more time. Andrew's scathing response is cut short by tap of shoes on their hardwood, and they silence themselves, fixated on the door.

Ichirou never follows anyone's schedule but his own. He walks leisurely, calm, and without care for the panic he's caused. His cane clicks offbeat with his footsteps, the sound disjointed and not nearly as polished as the rest of him usually seems.

Neil watches the shadow on the wall grow larger and more distorted, until it finally forms the thin silhouette of the reaper himself.

He never got tired of silk suits, Neil notes. They fit a little better now though; Ichirou has filled them in, not just physically. Neil forgets how young he is, it's been so long since they've seen each other, but he remembers how even someone as menacing and cold as Ichirou had looked new, not yet settled into his role.

That Ichirou is gone.

He walks into the room, ramrod straight and poised, with an air of superiority not many people other than himself and perhaps Allison Reynolds can pull off. It nearly has Neil turning to face him, but he won't, for sake of letting Andrew loose.

Andrew snarls under his breath, but Ichirou's entrance into the room, while dramatic, isn't anything particularly foreboding. In fact, he grabs one of their crappy folding chairs, one Neil's physical therapist uses, and drags it across the room after some consideration. It throws Neil off almost immediately, and the subtle scrape of the chair legs grate on his nerves. However, he hopes it means Ichirou is here to talk.

While Neil knew realistically that would happen, a swift execution wouldn't have surprised him.

Ichirou places the chair down a few feet from them, and the thump of it puts a silencer on the world around them. The street below doesn't dare make a peep. Ichirou regards their positions with an edge of amusement, but lingers on Neil's legs.

"I'll admit I did not know what to expect," he speaks, and his voice reminds Neil of the embers of a fire. Grave, subdued, and ready to be stroked into something far more devastating.

"Lord," Neil replies, and he bows his head despite how much it makes the lump in his throat all the more constricting. "I've been waiting for you."

"I'm sure you have." Ichirou gestures to Neil's legs calmly, and leaves his hand hanging there until Neil looks. Salt in the wound, but Neil does it. "Your father would be happy."

Fury and resentment spike in Neil's chest, and while it may bleed onto his face, it's not much compared to how Andrew tries to lunge forward. All it takes is Neil's wince to stop him, to send him reeling back and torn between checking on him and not taking his eyes off Ichirou.

Neil is glad for his forethought; he wants Andrew to be safe, but even he can't be completely passive. Neil scowls, letting some of the respect melt away.

He can't help it. The cold smile is on his face before he means it to be, and Ichirou inhales sharply. Neil wonders if it's an acknowledgement of one of his own. "Well he's dead, so we'll never know."

He's dead and rotting somewhere, insignificant.

Even when he's hanging on by a thread himself, Neil's comforted by the memory.

Ichirou's eyes narrow, but it's not a threat in his eyes.

"Someone's feeling bold, though I suppose you always are," he says, humming in the back of his throat. "So close to death all your life, nothing to lose. You've never needed my presence to know that."

Neil bites back all he could say, all the things about his life Ichirou wouldn't care about or label as valuable. He has everything to lose now.

"Lord, I know I'm in no position to ask for favors," he says, and Ichirou nods in agreement. Neil's worth and investment potential have run out, if they're going by the bare bones of his contract. Before he can think better of it, he prioritizes what's important. His voice takes on a desperate edge, a critical mistake in front of someone like Ichirou, but unavoidable. "I'm prepared to make my case but—but leave Andrew out of this. He's not—"

A hand finds the back of his neck and squeezes; it's not painful, never painful, but it startles him enough to make him choke on the rest. Andrew's tone rattles against his brain, warning. "If you try to be a martyr in front of me, I'll kill you before he even gets the chance," Andrew bites at him, and Neil glares at the lie. Always a bad liar. But without acknowledging that, Andrew whips around to Ichirou, and his threat has Neil's blood solidifying. On ice, already. "And you, get out of our house."

Neil's hand flies up to squeeze the blond's arm, but he doesn't have the strength to do much. "Andrew."

Ichirou just chuckles, amused as Neil has ever seen him. Instead of threatening Andrew in return or silencing him right then and there, he leans back in the chair, regarding them like they're some species he's never heard of. "You're lucky I'm not here for you. I'm willing to overlook your rudeness because of what I need to say."

Ichirou doesn't so much as glance at Andrew while he says it, nor anytime after, and Neil feels the blond's trembling pour into him. He straightens, watching the careful tap of Ichirou's finger on the cane, and refuses to let himself jolt when those eyes meet his. Darkness meets an ocean blue, and Neil is thankful for the resemblance to his father now. He hopes Ichirou has just as much trouble navigating the sea of his mind, in finding what's locked away.

"Nathaniel," Ichirou begins, then tilts his head. A correction, one that makes Neil hold his breath. "Neil. Given the circumstances, I'm willing to confess a little here. You've always been an enigma to me. For a long time, I did not know whether to label you as a disgusting leech, or the wolf in the henhouse. Or maybe fox is more appropriate. Either way, you're a particularly giant, conniving thorn in my side."

Good, Neil thinks. He never wants to be that known, that easy to pick apart. He never saw himself as a threat though, regardless of his potential, his willingness to claw and bite. Yet, he never took any pleasure in the pain of others unless they deserved it. That was a big difference between him and his father, something that's perhaps hard for Ichirou to wrap his head around.

Neil never asked him before, he realizes. What did Ichirou think of The Butcher?

As if hearing Neil thinking too hard, Ichirou's eyes pierce through him, holding the thoughts hostage, pinning to a wall.

"There's blood on your hands wherever you go," Ichirou muses. "There are nights where I think I should've killed you. You're too dangerous to be let loose, to be kept alive and constantly bearing down on my throat when I don't even realize it. You are the riskiest investment I ever made, and your retirement should be nothing more than an act of charity from the powers above."

Ichirou looks to his cane then, and taps it once, twice against the floor. "I wonder."

He sits there a beat too long to be comfortable, and that's when he reaches into his suit pocket, as if having made up his mind. All Neil sees is the gun, from that point on.

The air in his lungs is ripped clean out, and that's appropriate. He feels like a husk, with Andrew's pleas in his ear to let him up, now Neil, now. But Neil's mind ignores it all, voice tiny and wheezing. "Lord," he tries, but has no idea what to say. "I--"

What? What does he want?

It's the simplest, most pathetic thing. But all he can think is: not in front of Andrew.

Yes, that's it. Neil's panic flares, and it's not his rabbit instincts for once. He doesn't want to be home anymore. He doesn't want to ruin this place they built together, the place they made their home with all their pictures and souvenirs.

He's an idiot, what was he thinking?

He opens his mouth to say as much, and stops short when Ichirou places the gun on his knee. Andrew's gaze tries to melt the thing until it’s molten, and he's just getting more and more frustrated when that doesn't happen. It's still shiny, and very much there. It's so elegant, so unassuming, for being a deliverer of death.

Andrew keeps trying to make Neil budge, to at least move in front of him like a shield, but Neil refuses. His legs cry out in agony, but he'll ignore it until his last breath.

"I'm not done," Ichirou says, and points the gun at them both for good measure before it's back at his side. Neil tracks it up until Ichirou slams his cane on the hardwood, and pulls Neil's gaze back to him. There's a resignation in his gaze Neil doesn't know what to do with, a question not even Neil can parse. And if he can't understand the weight of this, who can?

"I could finally be rid of you. I could wipe the slate clean of yet another risk. You are the only one who threatens me."

Neil bites his tongue; Ichirou's only half speaking to him. Neil wants to argue he would never, there's nothing about that life, the one Ichirou leads, that Neil could want to steal away.

But Ichirou has to know that. Maybe that's the thing he can't wrap his head around, what makes Neil dangerous.

"But it just so happens that some of that blood on your hands was beneficial to me," Ichirou admits, huffing to himself. "Without you and the stress you put on my family's contacts, the animosity towards Riko...I may not have this throne of mine."

Neil chokes on the realization of where this is leading, but doesn't dare to let himself expect it.

Ichirou leans back again, and takes him in with nothing short of disdain. It's the most expressive Neil has ever seen him, the cool veneer stripped away.

"Make no mistake, I am not giving you credit, not even an ounce of it," Ichirou spits out, then he closes his eyes, breathing in to regain a shred of the composure he had when he walked in. Neil doesn't care, he's too busy staring at the furrow in his brow, at the retreating gun. Ichirou's eyes meet his and they're blazing, but the ring of fire doesn't scathe him. Neil seems to be the one point it can't reach. "You don't deserve it. But with your father gone, with my enemies and all those squabbling liabilities rotting in the ground...I can move freely."

He puts away the gun, as slow and conflicted as the movement is. But it's gone. Hidden. Neil's last stroke of luck. May he never be in need of more.

Andrew sneers, unable to help himself. "That sounds like plenty of credit is due."

Any other moment, Neil would wheeze, would fear retaliation. But Ichirou's just shown him his decision, a mind made up. He won't go back on it once he's crossed that line. It's not in his nature.

Funny. No matter how depraved the code of ethics is, it's still there, clean and outlined.

Ichirou stands, contempt clear as he stares down at them. "Think of this as repayment instead, a courtesy if you will," he mutters. "This will close out our account officially. There are some terms. I'll be happy to take that remaining 80% of your pension, your severance, but after? I want nothing to do with you."

The last syllable is laced with thin disgust, but then Ichirou retreats back into himself. The mask returns, an icy veil which emotions don't stand a chance against.

And well, Neil's always been a little stupid. He exhales shakily, his lungs aching from being so deprived. "You...you're letting me go?"

"I'm letting you become someone else's burden," Ichirou glances at Andrew, at the way his fists are still clenched around Neil. "But do not think me merciful."

He could never.

He understands their relationship, or rather, the end of it. That doesn't stop Ichirou from making it exceedingly clear.

His voice fills the room, coating the walls and staining it. It's not as bad as blood, but it's a promise Neil won't soon remove, a reminder that if he wants to keep this home of his, he'll listen. "I’ll extend the courtesy to your companions if they’re ever in the same situation. But if I ever see you again, if I hear that you're involved in anything, from the smallest transaction or negotiation in my circle, in my empire, I will kill you all," Ichirou explains, a vow. Then, his gaze flickers over Andrew one last time, and yes, Neil understands perfectly. He shows it in the way he glares, in the way he calls on his father's ghost one last time. "I will do more than kill you, I will destroy everything about you."

The fear begins to trickle out of him, and maybe that's a bad thing where Neil is concerned. He's not sure what he's exuding right then, but he can feel himself stop shaking, can feel his chin tilt up in a challenge. It's a deceptive calm, but one Ichirou will read correctly.

Acknowledgement, respect, but underneath all that it's a boast. It says I won.

Neil's not sure it can be called that but he owns it, with all his infuriating confidence, he owns it, and makes sure Ichirou knows there will always be some truth to it.

Even if Neil didn't have to convince him, even if Ichirou came to the conclusion all on his own.

He was bested, and Neil has to squash the smile that wants to bloom on his face.

Andrew stops shaking too, his rage reigned in for now. He probably won't sleep for days regardless; the fear, the what ifs...they're too fresh and heavy.

But that's alright. More than alright. Because Neil can spend the rest of their lives making it up to him.

"Do we have a deal?" Ichirou states, like he needs to. But Neil nods anyways. It's a farewell he didn't know he wanted so badly.

"Yes, we do," he says, and adds reluctantly: "Thank you, Lord."

Ichirou inclines his head, and Neil has to bite back any sass. It's a look that says 'don't thank me yet. Don't thank me until you're old and gray.'

With that final warning, Ichirou turns away, and neither of them dare to move.

That's where the acknowledgement ends; Ichirou reaches the door, and without looking back, solidifies his exit from Neil's life.

"Goodbye, Neil Josten."

They don't move at first. They listen to the disjointed steps as Ichirou leaves, and only when it sinks in that he's walking away does Neil feel Andrew pull him gently closer. It's a fierce hold regardless, an attempt to carve Neil a place in his chest to hide. It's 'I've got you' and 'I get to keep you' all at once.

When the lock on their front door clicks shut, the one to Neil's future opens wide.

Neil lets Blake and Rayah take their time scribbling their notes, neither of them daring to ask for clarification. Neil hopes it's because there's nothing to clarify.

It's too simplistic to say he won some climactic battle, that the rest of his life was carefree and happy. This was merely a pause in his life, a blip in time which also passed like everything else, drowned out with visits to Germany and difficult trips to the vet.

Neil doesn't view it as the middle, or a turning point. He doesn't view anything that way. He started his life as Neil Josten and it flowed from there, choppy and untamed at times, but no less...memorable.

His encounter with Ichirou was a moment he had to wait, to breathe in and take in what he had before he kept going. A log or dam that eventually eroded away like the rest of the obstacles he faced.

And there was so, so much more that came after that.

Perhaps not as exciting; family vacations, Exy games, and weekend getaways are hardly anything compared to run-ins with the mafia, to devastating injuries and comebacks. No one wants to hear about the petty arguments and compromises, the bouts of depression which came from being robbed of the sport he loved despite his survival. There's nothing riveting about the quiet dinners Neil enjoyed with Andrew at his side every night for over thirty years after.

But even still, he's waiting to get to those. He wants to talk about those.

Each time he finishes a memory, he's antsy to tell the next one. It's the most exciting thing to him, knowing that even when it all stops, when he has nothing more he needs to share, that nothing ever ended. He could go on and on. As long as he’s breathing, he can say more.

It doesn't end until he's gone, and how sneaky he is, how brilliant, for even going beyond that to preserve their life, every boring piece of it.

He sends Andrew a smug little smile, just for that.

So now people can know, for at least a few years to come, that yes, Neil Josten survived the mafia. But more importantly, Andrew Minyard was next to him, and was just about the best companion Neil could've asked for.

It makes him smile, uncontrolled in its entirety, and when Sydney walks in she doesn't even ask. She returns it, and that fondness makes Neil feel as if Andrew is still in the room, because it was so often directed at him as well.

When she leaves, the room is quiet apart from the last fading scratches of pen on paper.

Occasionally one of the reporters will look up at him, scan him as if they can get the residual emotions hanging from his aura and paste them onto the messy pages.

Neil doesn't envy them.

He's never been a writer, and he's giving them a daunting task. Vague, but detailed. Powerful, but without all the flowery, over-exaggerated nonsense. This is not a sensationalist piece, but his life, and while they've been treating him with the respect he asked for, he gets the feeling they just now came to the realization fully.

It's easy to say you love someone, at the end of the day. Even if it's a lie, even if it takes you a while to work up the courage for it. It's easy to repeat it over and over again.

But for people to understand the full scope of Neil's feelings, so far beyond that word with all the strange deviations and intricacies...

Well, he can tell by the way Rayah and Blake come to a standstill, eyes fixed on their notes, that they do understand. That's what makes it so difficult, that's what makes it impossible.

Nothing they do or write will truly replicate the way Neil has made them feel, the way Andrew made Neil feel.

And Neil's grateful for that. He's grateful, because he always knew deep down that his relationship with Andrew was not something anyone would be able to capture and define. It was theirs.

As long as that's obvious, then he thinks it'll be more than okay.

He'll keep providing all the details they need to compensate.

Eventually, when they do look up, Rayah just laughs, smoothing her hand over the paper. Neither of them make a move for their food. "I—I don't know what to ask anymore?" She frames it as a question, tone searching, and when she looks at Blake, he merely shrugs.

There's a mistiness in his eyes when he turns to Neil too, as if to ask, 'well?'

Neil beams brighter, bringing his food in front of him. Ten years and he hasn't changed the order. It's still the plate he and Andrew split.

And with that warmth in his chest, he's more than happy to take it from there.

"Don't worry," he says, amusement lacing his tone. "I know what comes next."

#aftg #all for the game #andreil #andrew minyard #neil josten

14 notes · View notes

kyndaris · 3 years

Text

The Great Internet Debate

Since the tail end of 2020, many Australians were informed by Google of a political stoush between big news corporations and the tech company behind our favourite search engine. The open letter to end users read like a doomsday spiel – spelling out the encroaching disaster if a mandatory news code came into effect. The proposed legislation – the News Media Bargaining Code – was explained as a means of paying for news content when all that Google did was provide the necessary links for people to ‘choose’ what content they actively consumed. Google also advised that the News Media Bargaining Code would make it unfair for small businesses as larger media companies would be informed of algorithm changes ahead of time and be given data on users to maximise coverage.

A grim picture was painted. Why should big news media companies receive data and information about everyday users of a search engine? Why should their links be propped up higher than other smaller outlets?

At the start of 2021, after a Senate hearing, Google also warned that the proposed legislation might lead to the removal of Google Search in its entirety in Australia. Why? Because why should it pay to just provide a multitude of links based off whatever a person is searching for?

I know that as a writer, most of my searches aren’t news related. In fact, they’re mostly about things people wore in the 18th to 19th century. I ask the internet when doorknobs were invented or the nature of horse care. There was even one enquiry that might have put me on alert lists across the world: how long does it take for a body disposed in water to rise to the surface?

But that was important for a very singular scene in my story, all right! Murder happens in my stories! I just want to make sure that I’ve got all the facts right as well as the science!

What Google, and by extension Facebook, failed to address was the uneven distribution of ad revenue when it comes to large news media. With the advent of the internet, it’s become much harder for traditional newspapers and television stations to accrue the wealth they had.

The news media Bargaining Code however would force huge tech giants to negotiate with each individual news corporation and find a way to ensure a ‘fair’ means of distributing ad revenue by entering into commercial agreements or be subjected to arbitration. In this way, jobs could be kept and journalism could be regarded, once again, as the respected profession that it should be. So, to be honest, it does sound like a noble thing to do in order to support struggling companies.

As for my personal opinion? Well, I’ll be honest with you. I’m not entirely swayed by any one side. There are pros and cons to each.

My own experience with the search engine is indicative of this. The only time I’ve used Google to search for the news is when I’ve been too lazy to memorise the actual link for ABC News. Otherwise, it’s very easy to simply type into your browser: news.com.au or smh.com.au

Often, I feel that the one great problem with these news websites is their inability to modernise and to accommodate a generation that prefers immediacy. A lot of news websites, based off the newspapers that are still being published, have arbitrary gatekeeping with regards to the number of ‘free’ articles that can be viewed each month and an exorbitant subscription fee.

Let’s, for the sake of argument, use the Sydney Morning Herald as an example. Most of their articles on their main website have intriguing headlines and a small excerpt for what the article is about. One can easily get the gist of the content readily available simply by skimming over the content. There’s no mystery or anything too attention grabbing.

If one were curious and wished to learn more, they’d simply click open the article.

But this is where the Sydney Morning Herald falters a little.

Ad revenue, as most people know, is driven by clicks. The more clicks an end-user makes, the more money a company can make. Perhaps, it’s true, that news corporations could make a few more dollars by partnering with search engines to ensure that ads on their website are linked to whatever other websites that the end-user was previously poring over. After all, I’m not as interested in say a NAB home loan than a new game that’s come out.

Yet the crux of the matter comes from the very fact that the Sydney Morning Herald only allows five ‘free’ articles per month. In order to get around that, one needs to ‘subscribe.’ And the subscriptions aren’t very cheap. Particularly for the younger generation. $3.50 a week sounds nice, but if you add it all up, it can be quite significant. Annually, the Starter Digital is $160 per year.

Not a choice most people are willing to dip their toes in when they also have to pay for Netflix, Stan, Disney+ and a whole host of other things that catch their eye.

So, how does something like the Sydney Morning Herald make money when paper is all but dead? One thing they could implement is additional ads on their website and perhaps at the top and bottom of their articles. They could also stop hiding their articles behind paywalls. No student has the money to pay for it, particularly when they’re only using the website for a school project.

Lower your subscriptions and give more back to the consumer. Make it more appealing.

News.com.au might not have the cleanest reputation, but their headlines catch the eye. It might be click-baity as all hell, but in this day and age, it’s what helps it to survive.

It’s not a perfect solution, true, but it might give them a little bit more of a boost.

And instead of only relying on the written word, it might be prudent now to create more videos to elucidate the topics they want to explore. Particularly when it comes to news that most consumers want on a more instantaneous basis. These days, video streaming is the way to go. Three-minute or five-minute videos are pretty easily digestible. And a lot of it can be monetised. It might not be a huge amount of money, but every little thing counts.

Investigative journalism, on the other hand, would need to be well researched and thought out. You can have a written article and transcript or you could have a well-plotted fifteen-minute video. The dialogue needs to be snappy yet informative. News needs to learn how to target their audiences instead of catering only to the older generation.

As for recaps of movies or television shows? You can’t go wrong with James Weir and his commentary. I might not watch Married at First Sight or the Bachelor, but I’d almost definitely read his recap of the episodes because of his biting comments and snide observations.

APPEAL TO THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR!

Make your websites lively. Make them relevant. Grab the attention of millennials and Generation Z instead of pandering to baby boomers.

Beyond that, find ways to adapt in the current marketplace. So many YouTube creators have to constantly find ways to get around changes to the YouTube algorithm. They complain, sure, but in order to be fair, no one content creator should be told what the changes will be beforehand.

Above all else, negotiate in good faith. And stand your ground. Google and Facebook should not just threaten to remove their services from the good people of Australia just for few million dollars in ad revenue. But, there’s also no need to demand algorithms or have your links unfairly pushed to the top of Google Search and quashing smaller independent voices.

Even if Facebook were to take away the ability to share links, though, I’m sure people will still be able to make do. I know that I, for one, could very easily summarise an article that I’ve read. And if someone wanted links...well...I’m sure I could devise a method to provide an alternate solution to do so.

In any case, depending on how Google reacts, this humble blogger might have to think about investing in a VPN. Which, unfortunately, might see local Australian businesses suffer because the massive search engine I’m using would be defaulted to another country somewhere in the vast piece of rock we call home. Of course, in saying that, we do still have Bing. So, you know what? Everyone, it’s time to put Bing on the map and make it a serious contender against Google.

So, despite my limited understanding of the entire kerfuffle that’s been kicked up between Google and traditional news media, that is my two cents on the situation. Greed is not good. And don’t use a good honest people as hostages to the regulation of the wild west internet.

Edit: By the time this post goes up, Google has come to several agreements with major news corporations in Australia whilst Facebook has removed all news content for Australians. Which means no sharing of links to news websites for all of us down under.

Unfortunately, news wasn’t properly defined and so many other pages had their posts wiped, such as emergency services and a member of parliament. Here’s hoping that Facebook will also put a stop on conspiracy pages and anti-vaxxer propaganda.

Further edit: After a week of removing news content, Facebook has reversed its decision.

#personal blog #google vs news corps #time to get a VPN

1 note · View note

ciceroisthefamilycat · 3 years

Text

My Fiery Heart reread response (my Indigo Spell one here, my first-time Fiery Heart one here from 7.5 years ago)

before I get into it, I remembered looking up the Iolanthe coven name Sydney used; that wasn’t something I looked up until after reading it the first time though, so I didn’t realize the fairy court connection to Sydney recommending Zoe do her literature assignment on Midsummer Night’s Dream... I’m very certain it was an intentional reference to that opera now (even though the purple flower meaning was enough on its own)... if they get around to adapting this one, I half want to see Amberwood Prep put on a production of MND where Jill is helping with the costumes and Zoe gets to play Titania or something; I never got around to reading Richard III (Zoe’s original pick) but it’s interesting that free will/fatalism is apparently a major theme, and that Richard contrived to have his brother Clarence sent to the Tower of London...

also, I’m not sure if I cared about “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane all those years ago, but I got a thrill seeing it referenced this go around.

we get the first namedrop for Cicero (though we had heard about his propensity for killing birds and some other mention in the earlier BL books ETA, 7/19: “My family had a cat back in Utah that I was pretty sure was more responsible than Angeline” pg 31 TGL

Anyway, gosh Sydney makes bad decisions in this one. And it’s not because she has too much to do- she has no real outside strenuous challenges to protecting Jill or her group this go around. The friend group actually had to decide “yeah let’s go hunt down a Strigoi in LA” for there to be a major action scene. I realize she’s in her late teens and the burdens put on her are unfair, but she’s a great example of someone who thrives under pressure and falls apart when she’s given too much free time.

The switch to dual narrators was unnecessary. It wasn’t bad, but it was clearly only to set up for the big cliffhanger at the end, and so feels a bit pointless in this one. Btw, Rose didn’t lose her spirit link into Lissa’s mind after Lissa went on antidepressants. Now admittedly, the chemicals in Adrian’s mood stabilizers would have probably worked differently, or maybe Richelle was trying to retroactively make things more consistent (since alcohol could affect the bond), or maybe it was “Adrian and Jill’s bond is less established, so Jill can’t break through like Rose could”... but the sudden decision mid book (with no repercussions- Adrian doesn’t even bring it up to Sydney to be like “hey, one of your main concerns about having sex is taken care of”) is so pointless and really goes to the minimal page-time of the larger ensemble. I said it the first time I read the book, the absence of Kristin and Julia, and Micah, and even more important characters like Angeline or Trey is so frustrating. I realize Richelle couldn’t write a book that was 900 pages long, but I would have gladly taken any of those characters instead of the completely unnecessary Terwilliger/Malachi romance. Especially to see Jill’s reaction to getting to be a more typical high school human, since I think she would have gotten even more attached to Amberwood than Sydney did. I also just... really, the Alchemists decided to have Sydney’s bio sister on campus... pretending to be a cousin... while she was playing sister to Jill? I get they kind of backed themselves into a corner, but weird. That being said, I was happy to have Rowena and Cassie around. (give me Adrian and Rowena being wlw besties excellence to make me really happy)

Sydney’s coven initiation taking place in chapter 2, then she meets Inez (who gives her the books on charms)... and we never see a witch other than Jackie again in this book? Honestly, why bother with writing the initiation at that rate? I still like the cloak they made Sydney though. On reread, there’s the randomest bit where Trey’s like “is Neil even really British” and I wonder if that was a dropped storyline where Neil was faking. Olive and Nina are still pleasant characters, and I liked that they had a “unique” background, but knowing how those stories end was kind of a buzzkill on reread. Olive, especially, deserved better.

This is another one where I forgot quite a few events- Adrian getting drunk and the pawnshop (I think I remembered that obliquely, but not so much on it), or the trip to Texas (which actually came before the pawnshop but oh well). I was happy to finally get some actual Christian content again, although I regret we didn’t get more from Sydney & Rose or more Sydney & Lissa. On Adrian’s mental health storyline... I am less impressed by it than I was the first time (though I didn’t remember being super-impressed, but according to my first review?). I do actually like Adrian being insistent, once he’s started taking meds, that he’s going to continue, but the diagnosis of bipolar disorder doesn’t actually feel like it fits? I will say, I find Adrian’s “chicken or egg” pondering over whether spirit causes mental illness or mental illness means a predisposition to specializing in spirit is fascinating (though it’s probably for the best Richelle never actually answered it).

The way Adrian spoke (or thought) about Zoe really pissed me off. Like, one, you’re an adult, stop antagonizing the sister of the girl you like and just be cordial (which is less suspicious than suddenly acting like you and Sydney don’t get along at all), and two... Adrian’s super protective over Sydney after realizing the emotional abuse Jared heaped on, but somehow doesn’t realize that this fifteen year old has been spending time with said father’s attention solely focused on her for ages now, and he has no sympathy for her? Instead of seeing Zoe being like “Sydney shouldn’t have to provide for you all the time” and being like “aww, that’s a nice protective sister instinct even if she needs an attitude adjustment” he taunts a 15 year old about drinking from her the way he did to 20-something actual-predator Keith. He could have engaged yet another Sage sister in talking about his awesome car on the drive over, or at least made other good faith efforts.

The dabbling stuff made me more uncomfortable this time around (I think). Especially Sydney comparing her getting Keith’s eye ripped out to Adrian’s assault of a human girl... that was some real false equivalency on Richelle’s part. But other parts of it, like “oh here comes Adrian to save the day and at least he’s changed from these guys he used to hang out with (oh, look at that convenient statement that even back in the day Adrian wasn’t on the same level of bad as them)” was really frustrating, or the fact that Adrian was very deliberately withholding information from her in his own chapters and it made me question his trustworthiness in her chapters. Or the “oh, hey, he made the concession of getting treatment for his mental illness, so all is forgiven” handwaving. Like, Richelle brought this in to be an obstacle to their relationship, but it’s addressed so quickly (with maybe a pittance effort of later being like “oh, at least Adrian didn’t take advantage when Sydney accidentally absorbed some Moroi endorphins- he learned his lessons!) that it doesn’t merit the actual consideration of so important a topic Idk. I do feel like I enjoy the Sydrian relationship more in this book than the others, but I also have some huge issues with it.

Adaptation-wise, I think genderbent Adrian would definitely mean a change to the dabbling storyline (yes, women can be sexual predators, but I don’t think this storyline would be maintained with different social expectations). Honestly, give me an Adrian who, instead of having victimized someone, doesn’t immediately fully grasp how upsetting this idea of vampires preying on her species (and risking exposure) is to Sydney... Adrian being like “it isn’t sexual, those guys would never consider sleeping with a human” but the consent even to give blood still being critical to Sydney. And you know what? Let Lissa “compelled a guy to almost hit himself over the head with a baseball bat for molesting a Feeder” Dragomir have a spirit freak out moment of rage and go off on these subjects of hers the way that was deserved (and then once she cools down, maybe she can’t punish them fully, but she uses it to leverage their royal families’ agreement to the Family Rule amendment). And just finish that law by the end of the season, so that when the Alchemists pull out Sydney and Zoe, they’re actually closing down the whole Palm Springs operation in a rage. (if I remember correctly Alicia kidnapped Jill between books 5 and 6, but that was a stupid plotline imo- let Sydney and her coven take care of Alicia in the downtime of this book instead) Let Rose figure out that Sydney and Adrian are in love- she’s smart and she would pick up on that; let her celebrate them and encourage them to be happy together. Also the “Sydney and Adrian get three days at an inn to sex it all up” was stupid... like I’m happy for them but am I really supposed to buy that they could afford all that time away from Palm Springs?

As bad as I feel for Syd, and Adrian, and Eddie, and Jill, and Jackie at the end of TFH, I do remember that I’m going to feel worst for Hopper. I’m sorry that demon dragon Calistana has my heart and I remember one scene from Silver Shadows featuring the little guy prominently...

#I'm a VA girl

1 note · View note

junker-town · 4 years

Text

‘The Bachelor’ Recap: All hell has broken loose

ABC

Peter has thrown all rules out the window, and it’s a lawless wasteland.

We at SB Nation realize The Bachelor is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement. If you missed anything, catch up on last week’s action here.

The creators of The Bachelor have no respect for our time or sanity, choosing to air not only TWO episodes this week (the second of which airs Wednesday night) but also making Monday night’s episode THREE DAMN HOURS. Granted, that is still shorter than trying to watch The Irishman in one sitting, but still ... it’s a LOT of crying and yelling.

We pick up where last week’s episode left off: the ladies squabbling in Cleveland about the dramatic return of Alayah. If you recall, Alayah showed up during the evening portion of last week’s football group date despite being sent home the week before. Doe-eyed doofus Peter — in an attempt to make a grand gesture — not only brought the contentious Alayah back into the house, HE GAVE HER THE GROUP DATE ROSE. FOR A DATE SHE DIDN’T GO ON.

Well, I hope you didn’t get too re-attached, because by 8:10 p.m. ET, Peter once again shipped the former beauty queen off to the land of Instagram sponsorships in a nondescript black SUV.

Farewell, sweet (and conniving) Alayah. You will be missed (again).

By attempting to put a Band-Aid (sending Alayah home) on this sucking chest wound (bringing her back in the first place), the women learned a couple of things about Peter the rest of us already knew:

He can be easily manipulated.

He has no idea what he’s doing.

For the rest of the Rose Ceremony, Peter just took turns making out with everyone in between apologizing for being a wishy-washy waffler. After eliminating three ladies, our aviator beau took the 12 remaining women to Costa Rica. Farewell, sweet Cleveland, we’ll miss you.

One-on-one with Sydney

Here’s a quick recap:

Helicopter ride by a volcano

Picnic

Making out

Talking over dinner

Making out

I’m pretty sure you could guess, but Sydney got the rose.

Group date

Shiann, Kelsey, Victoria F., Madison, Natasha, Victoria P., Lexi, Hannah Ann, Tammy, and Mykenna were all selected for the group date, leaving Kelley to get the other one-on-one. Cosmopolitan’s editor in chief met the group to tell them they’d be shooting for their March issue, which once again seems like an unfair advantage for the actual models in the group.

Victoria F. “won” the date by being selected to pose with Peter for the cover shoot (shortly after the episode aired, Cosmo announced it was pulling the cover after photos started circulating online of Victoria modeling “White Lives Matter” merchandise), Hannah Ann “won” the evening by getting the group date rose, and we the audience “won” nothing because we listened to more pointless arguing.

This time, the debate revolved around Kelsey. When Sydney got the first one-on-one date of the week, Kelsey took it very personally (reminder: Kelsey got a solo date literally last episode). It was a real up-and-down night for our professional clothier as she told Peter she was falling in love with him (reminder: we’re like five episodes in) and got called emotionally unstable by Tammy.

One-on-one with Kelley

This is the first real interaction between Lawyer Kelley and Pilot Peter since the first couple episodes, and, woo boy, this was a fun one.

So here’s the thing: I like Kelley. She’s no-bullshit, she’s mature, and rather than gushing over Peter and having superficial conversations disguised as meaningful dialogue, she — wait for it — tells him what is actually going on!

After an actual discussion at dinner (where she calls him out over rewarding the drama) Kelley accepts the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Kelsey, concerned about her standing with Peter after the group date, sneaks off to his house to talk. She tells him that Tammy has been questioning whether she has a substance abuse problem (YIKES, Tammy), then cries some more. He feels sorry for her, they make out, and he ... gives her a rose! Let’s see how excited the women were about this:

ABC

Here’s the thing: Peter has turned our formulaic reality escape into a lawless wasteland. He repeatedly rewards dramatic behavior with rogue roses (Alayah, Kelsey), and his naive ass unknowingly dumps gunpowder onto the blazing tinderbox that is the group of women.

As a result of his discussion with Kelsey, Peter decides he has all the clarity he needs on the matter and forgoes the actual cocktail party.

Tammy, concerned about what Kelsey might have said about her, asks to speak to Peter before he hands out the first rose. Mykenna, angry she didn’t get the time she needed with Peter, INTERRUPTS TAMMY’S TIME THAT SHE ALREADY STOLE FROM THE ROSE CEREMONY.

It’s all just too much.

Best pun — Natasha

“She made her bed, and now she has to Alayah in it.”

EHHHHH. GET IT.

ABC

Worst. Injury. Story. Ever. — Peter’s golf cart incident

Peter rolls up to the resort sporting a new bandage above his eyebrow and regales the women with a tale about fighting a puma in the jungle. Unsurprisingly, they buy it. What really happened, though, is so perfectly stupid.

Apparently, Peter walked into a golf cart, causing him to duck and ram the glass he was holding into his head. HE HAD TO GET 22 STITCHES. Oh, sweet, sweet Peter. What are we going to do with you?

ABC

Worst best compliment — Best kisser

I mean, yes, everyone wants to be a good kisser. That’s an important thing in a relationship and there’s nothing much worse than dating (or being) a really bad kisser. However, when your date says you’re the best kisser OF ALL THE WOMEN HE’S CURRENTLY DATING, that’s a little weird.

So, congrats, Sydney. Your boyfriend thinks out of all his 11 other girlfriends, you’re the best.

Most confused as to what happens on this show — Kelsey

Wooo, sweetie, what are you even doing here? This show is not new. In fact, it’s been around in some form or fashion since 2002. One love interest, multiple suitors. Kelsey — who, as a reminder, spent the first few episodes crying over a saga of mistaken champagne bottles — repeatedly made tear-filled and anxious statements Monday about not wanting to share her man.

At one point, Tammy literally had to explain that he picks one person:

Tammy: I just wanted to check in that you’re OK ...

Kelsey: I’m just sad. Very, very sad.

Tammy: Sad that he’s dating other people?

Kelsey: Yeah!

Tammy: Yeah, it’s never an easy sight to see, but it is what we signed up for unfortunately.

Kelsey: I’ll never be OK with it.

Tammy: I know, but it’s only temporary. There’s an end at some point.

Kelsey: No, there’s never an end.

Tammy: Well, he has to pick one at some point.

The biggest snitch — Peter

It’s well-established at this point that if you share some drama with Peter, he will 1) immediately take it as gospel and 2) immediately tell the person involved that you were talking some shit.

While it makes for entertaining television, it completely flips the script on this show. Usually, the snitches get sent home. Now, the snitches get confronted because they’re immediately called out and forced to defend their actions.

Worst character arc — Tammy

Man, what a horrible episode for Syracuse Tammy. She has great facial expressions and is quote gold. At the start of the three-hour fiasco, she was a sympathetic character checking in with Kelsey to see how she was doing. By the end, she had accused Kelsey of pill-popping and being an alcoholic.

My goodness.

Look, Kelsey’s crying is a LOT (and this is coming from someone who cried multiple times during the Puppy Bowl) and her Week 1 meltdown over the champagne mix-up was undoubtedly ridiculous. But Tammy’s judgmental comments regarding Kelsey’s decision to to drink wine, along with her snarky, unfounded claims about pills (which turned out to be ADHD medicine and birth control) are just so gross.

Gone too soon

Deandra

Kiarra

Savannah

Shiann

Lexi

0 notes

sometimesrosy · 7 years

Text

the 100 rewatch 1.08 Daytrip

my real life friend I just got back into contact with just decided to give The 100 a try. (this is the friend who introduced me to GOT ten years ago.) So I got so excited by her reports of 2.01 that I realized I had been slacking in my rewatch. Wow. I’m supposed to be on season 2 now for our bellarke fam rewatch. bad fangirl. So lets get to bidness.

oh it’s day trip!

I love this scene where Miller acts like a dick to chained Lincoln and Lincoln headbutts him. I always laugh. (and yet the parallel in season 3 where Miller acts like a dick to him while he’s in lockup and then gives him medicine for the sick grounder is a GREAT contrast and awesome character and plot development.)

Bellamy is very certain about not killing Lincoln though. Which is a change for his character up to this point.

Clarke talking to the council about how they are going to freeze before they starve. And Kane’s hair gel is gone. Costume signified character development. She’s talking to Jaha about killing her dad being an unavoidable tragedy and how she doesn’t see it that way and won’t ever. That’s an interesting bit, considering how far she went later. (And yet couldn’t kill Bellamy for the same reason as Jaha had.)

Clarke wants Bellamy to go on a DAY TRIP WITH HER. “Why are YOU asking ME?” “Well because right now I don’t feel like being around anyone I actually like.” Oh you two crazy kids. You’re so cute.

oh it’s the jobi nuts. i love the jobi nuts. Jonty hi five!

Ugh Finn. how about i just not write about any of his scenes. You don’t deserve Clarke OR Raven. Although I like Bellamy coming in to take Clarke away from him. Haha.

Bellamy’s last look at his sister, or so he thinks because he’s planning to run. And Dax coming after him.

Lincoln speaking English to Octavia, macking on the pretty girl while tied up and bloody. Look at these abs girl. “Tell them you’re not the enemy.” “I am.” Sadly this is true. He knows his people are out to destroy them. AND he thinks it’s wrong. But he can’t make this choice yet.

Bellamy angry about shooting Jaha and Clarke trying to talk him down. The jaha thing is why he was so angry. He discards his enmity with Clarke after the Jaha pardon happens. I mean there was more, but that was part of it.

Raven and Octavia. Raven tortures Lincoln and feels no remorse. Octavia says Finn likes Clarke. Bitch vs Bitch. I love it.

[finn raven sex scene. deleted. don’t you fucking grin at her. you don’t deserve her bitch.]

me ugh-ing at the murderer dax. not all delinquents are bunny rabbits. he’s a bad dude.

Bellamy so angry at the failed bunker. No supplies. SO HE KICKS A BARREL (always taking it out on unsuspecting barrels.) AND THEN the joy of a rare Bellamy smile. GUNS.

The delinquents are high.* ALERT* The delinquents are high.

aww poor jasper and his ptsd, starting with grounder fear. :( He’s holding a spear. Anti grounder stick. Octavia has figured this out. How does she know how to deal with a bad trip? You don’t get that knowledge isolated under the floor. Or maybe bellamy told her about kids tripping. he probably would.

Bellamy’s chewing jobi nuts. The gun lesson. Getting close. Touching her shoulder. “Yeah, uh, that’s good,” as he gets too close to her. That is the BEST scene. his bullets are duds. “still watching,” she says teasing him. Another Bellamy smile. A Clarke smile too, for that matter. She figures out that he’s going to run. He’s afraid. AND he mentions that he is planning to lock up Lincoln for the rest of his life. Not kill.

Oh here comes the bad trip. Peek inside Bellamy’s head.Guilt over Jaha. Guilt over the 320 souls culled from the Ark. “It’s not my forgiveness you should seek, it’s theirs.” Murderer,murderer, murderer, And peek inside Clarke’s head. Jake. Solitary confinement. forgiveness. Forgiveness is such a giant theme. (she doesn’t know that the exodus ship will crash and for a while she thinks her mom is dead. this is before she learns about forgiving people. I think she learns her lesson too well and forgives people for things they are not actually sorry for.

Wow Raven has a pretty naked back. Finn you suck. Monty I like your concern with the cooperation of the tides.

Octavia freeing Lincoln. Lincoln kissing Octavia. Mack daddy.

You are the most beautiful of brooms in a broom closet of brooms. (he dies later. murphy does it. Connor.) Finn sees Lincoln and lets him go.

More Bellamy trip. “I can’t fight anymore.” “DOn’t you know life is a fight? Live. Breathe. Suffer. You owe them that. If you want the peace of death you’re going to have to earn it. Fight back! You think you deserve to be free of your pain? Do you deserve that gift.” (These are Bellamy’s own thoughts, not Jaha.)

Clarke rescues Bellamy from Jax. Bellamy says Shumway set it up. They save each other. Bellamy’s first kill. Jax with a bullet in the carotid, “Bellamy are you okay?”

“No I’m not. If my mother knew what I’d done, who I am... she raised me to be better, to be good. And all I do is hurt people. I’m a monster.”

I need you--Bellamy’s look at her is where I started shipping them-- we all need you-- and how disappointed his is that it wasn’t HIM she needed.

Clarke doesn’t recognize that his belief that he is a monster is real. She will feel it later. Her forgiveness is too

“All I think about every day is how we’re going to keep everyone alive. But we don’t have a choice.” Is this where he wants to run away with her? Woulda been a different story.

I don’t understand why people ignore this whole scene of Bellamy’s pain and guilt over the deaths he’s caused. They think he’s a monster because he’s anguished by what he’s done, and calls himself a monster. But monsters, by definition are not agonized by the pain they cause. The people who cause harm, and then say it wasn’t their fault, in fact it was YOUR fault for fighting back or winning.... well THOSE are the monsters. They don’t care about the suffering they cause. And they’ll do it again.

Also please note that he credits Aurora with teaching him to be good. Yeah she was not perfect. Yeah she gave him too much responsibility. But she was NOT an absent mother. She was not neglectful. As far as we know there’s no evidence of physical abuse. If you want to believe that it was unfair to Bellamy to give birth to Octavia, that’s fine. Nothing about their life is fair. That’s the point, isn’t it? It was completely oppressive and unjust. Anyone born into this life was up for hell. But hope remains when people have children. It just does. Having a second child, even though it makes their lives harder, (which happens in real life) is not enough to count as abuse and places all the blame of an unjust society on the victims of that society. Which pisses me the hell off. (OH, if only you didn’t make the wrong choices, then this oppression would be just fine. How dare you. You should be jailed for it. You’re an abuser. It’s your fault.) Shut the hell up with your victim blaming.

Power couple on deck. Have some guns kids. (shut up finn)

I don’t expect you to forgive me, but you’ll have to ind a way to live with me because Im not going anywhere.” Some foreshadowing for the blake sibling relationship.

Jaha pardon. This was the point when I could not be saved from shipping Bellarke. I love the way they smile together.

Bye Shumway. Kane definitely does not wear hair gel anymore. Here comes hair Jesus.

nope. no finn in my recap. not even with your bellamy besmirching. She trusts him not you. so shut up. he deserves it. you don’t. you were not trustworthy. that’s how that works.

hello diana sydney. bye shumway.

#the 100 rewatch #the 100 rewatch 2017 #day trip #yay!

6 notes · View notes

physticuffs · 7 years

Note

Hello! I have a question.... what are your favorite books, and why? (I love your blog!)

@smallricochet

Wow, thank you! Took me forever to reply because my first answer got erased when i was halfway through. Rawr. anyway, here’s the thing: i don’t have favorites. I just love books so much i can’t choose! And there are books for different moods, too, or books that i love for different reasons. There are those that i can read anytime because they’re friendly and easy to sink into, but aren’t necessarily the best of anything in a particular aspect. There are books that i have to be in a specific mood to read but that i love more than anything when i am in that mood. There are books that are outstanding in one thing and lacking in another…so i don’t have favorite books, and when i have to think of my favorites, they’re divided by genre. This is gonna be a long post, haha. Without my bookshelf in front of me, there may be some I’m forgetting, but those are the ones that stand out in immediate memory.

Fantasy: most of the books i’ve read would probably count as fantasy if you included YA, but i’m going to break out YA as its own thing because i look for different things now than i did when i was younger. For one thing, the writing style plays a much larger role now for me, which is one of the things that makes Neil Gaiman one of my favorite authors. American Gods is this gorgeous book examining the nature of belief, with such evocative language that i felt like i was taking the journey alongside the characters. The characters themselves are rather stock, but that’s okay–Gaiman has a true sense of the mythic and interweaves old stories with new in a way that captivated me. I also loved The Ocean at the End of the Lane, which just felt…almost more real than our own world. I read the book (it’s quite short) in one sitting, and when i finished i realized i’d teared up. There’s a scene where the main character is immersed in this experience of understanding everything and then is pulled out of that state, and i felt the same way upon closing the book. The sense of the world-beyond-our-world was intense–again, taking the journey with the characters. I adore Good Omens, which was co-written with Terry Pratchett, and i think combines the best of both authors: Gaiman’s sense of mythology, Pratchett’s humor, and their shared love for stories that examine the values individual people hold. Individual values are a theme often repeated in Pratchett’s books, of which my favorites are Hogfather and Thud! because of the beautiful, hopeful characterizations and complex conflicts. Pratchett’s books really carry this sense of optimism and hope for how much better we can be; his characters have this evolving humanity (lol some of them are dwarves and trolls and werewolves) that really strikes a chord with me. Also, those books are fucking hilarious.

I’ve written about Guy Gavriel Kay recently; his novel Under Heaven is remarkable for its beautiful language, fascinating characters, and exciting political plot. I love that niche–historically-based political fantasy–and am really relieved to have found someone besides George R. R. Martin who does it, since Kay is much subtler and doesn’t have Martin’s penchant for shock and gore. I’m about to read every other political fantasy novel Kay has ever written. I used to think that if i could write like anyone i’d want to write like Gaiman, but now that i’ve read Kay’s work, i’d rather write like him, because that’s the genre i’d want to succeed in.

Then there’s Susanna Clarke’s exquisite Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell. I know this is very much a love-it-or-hate-it book, and i love it. Actually, i think it’s a perfect novel. I would change nothing about that book; there’s nothing that could make me like it better. The descriptive visual language is rich and flowing, the dry humor is just right, and the mythology she builds is original and forms a perfect pattern. One of the things that stood out to me the most in the book are the names. I’ve never seen an author choose names like her–they’re all lyrical and evocative without being literal. I don’t even want a sequel because the plot is wrapped up perfectly; i just want a whole series set in that world. (Clarke also wrote a short story collection in that setting, The Ladies of Grace Adieu, which is excellent, but does not fulfill my desire for a million more full-length novels.)

Historical fiction: The Lymond Chronicles. This is a masterwork, to the point that the author, Dorothy Dunnett, was knighted for her books being such a huge contribution to UK culture. They’re hard to read, no denying that, but they are unparalleled for incredible descriptive language, depth of emotion, dexterity with shifting viewpoint, epic scope, characters’ journeys and personalities interwoven in fascinating ways…they so far outshine every other work of historical fiction i’ve read that i think i can say that series is my favorite. HOWEVER, the irony of it is, i have never reread those books, except the first. I flick around occasionally to reread passages, but they’re simply too dense to make for good light reading in between all my new reading material. I love Les Miserables too, in the sense that i think it’s one of those almost accidental masterpieces that would never make it to market in full form today. Victor Hugo was a mystic grandpa whose interest in architecture/public infrastructure reeeeally got in the way of his own plot. I can’t HELP but love that book and i don’t even know why, except that Hugo captures the emotions and complexities of youthful rebellion so well, and is deeply respectful to the tragedy of it–not flippant, not over-aggrandizing, but accepting in just the right way. I also wanna give a shoutout/honorary mention to Romance of the Three Kingdoms. (It’s sort of unfair to put it with historical fiction, given the part where a guy’s ghost wanders around beating people up, but like. What else do i call this book.) I mean, it’s not my usual fare, but it well deserves its place as one of China’s four great classics. It’s so different from modern writing, which places a lot of emphasis on knowing individual characters. Three Kingdoms doesn’t give a shit about the inner lives of the characters. This is a story about how empires are formed and fall. it’s a true epic, and a fascinating look into one of China’s most tumultuous historical periods. (most tumultuous, except for all the others. You do you, China.)

Nonfiction: I’ve only rather recently become interested in nonfiction, and most of what i like is just a combination of good writing style and a topic i’m specifically interested in. How Not To Be Wrong, by Jordan Ellenberg–applied math and statistics, written in a very fun way. The Disappearing Spoon and The Violinist’s Thumb, by Sam Kean–a history of the periodic table and genetics respectively; Kean is such an engaging writer and really knows how to draw a common thread through anecdotes. Fermat’s Enigma, by Simon Singh–a history of the quest to solve Fermat’s Last Theorem. Weapons and Fighting Arts of Indonesia, by Donn Draeger–uh, what it says on the cover, but also a very interesting cultural text, although the info is a bit out of date. Walking the Bible, by Bruce Feiler–Feiler travels through the Middle East, examining the historical context of biblical stories; i’m reading his other works now. There also have been a couple books i’ve read for school that i loved–one was a cultural study of Hello Kitty, of all things, and one was about coffee farming in Honduras. Both were for a globalization course, but i can’t remember the titles offhand. I also read Walkable City by Jeff Speck for urban studies, about the importance of building walkability into your urban planning, which kicked off an interest in urban planning for me. I wound up getting three other urban planning books out of the interest generated by that one.

YA: Most of the books that have stuck with me after i read them as a teen had characters i wanted to be friends with or that i strongly related to–books with a lot of analytical, assertive girls, or girls who loved stories and were very imaginative. These include Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery, the All-of-a-Kind Family series by Sydney Taylor (bonus points for multiple girls i related to and they were Jewish), The Penderwicks by Jeanne Birdsall (again bonus points for multiple girls i related to), Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine, and The Princess Academy and The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale. These last three (modern takes on fairy tales) mattered so fucking much to me, and they seriously hold up on rereads. Hale and Levine don’t protect their readers from harsh events, but it’s still fantasy, still has the magic i love reading about. They show the young characters win magical battles and friendship through intelligence, creativity, and determination, instead of beauty like the original tales, so that was really inspiring for me, and i related really hard to the main characters personality-wise. All three main characters in these books do find relationships or even marry at the end, but it’s because they’ve already been best friends with their love interests for a while. There’s also The Hunger Games, which had fascinating characterization, and unusually subtle morality for a YA series, especially in the last book, and the similarly adventurous Icemark Chronicles series by Stuart Hill, which is historically-based fantasy–think Guy Gavriel Kay for younger readers–with a wonderful main character that i really looked up to. And then there’s The Pushcart War, by Jean Merrill. The Pushcart War is just completely charming. It’s a friendly, quick-read book about a group of pushcart vendors trying to make space for themselves in New York City, opposing the aggressive truckers, and it was just plain fun while also being…actually pretty educational about urban design.

So…i know that’s super long, but y’know, asking me about favorite books is a dangerous thing to do. And i can’t emphasize enough that this is only what i can think of off the top of my head, without my bookshelf in front of me. But thank you so much for the question!

#books #asks #tagging my asks hell yeah

5 notes · View notes

pinelife3 · 5 years

Text

Businesses I Worry About

When thinking of get rich quick schemes, good ideas might include:

Dropshipping

Chill hop radio streams on YouTube (there has to be some money to be made, right?)

Automating the set-up of Wordpress sites (actually cool themes, basic pages, get rid of shitty blog post format so a business can use it, etc.) and charge ~$20/site

ATM skimmers

Buy the domain www.jetstor.com and make it look exactly like JetStar’s site. Sell fake plane tickets. Use elaborate VPNs and darkweb security stuff to avoid detection. Once the scam ceases to be profitable repeat with virgon.com and any other business where a user might mistype the website’s URL. I’d suggest this scam works best for businesses with a ‘u’, ‘i’ and/or ‘o’ in the name as these three letters sit beside each other on the keyboard (facilitating fat-fingered typos) and also people tend to pay less attention to vowels

Not high at the top of anyone’s list: opening a restaurant.

You may not think this wandering through Chinatown, perhaps on account of the the hand-written BYO WINE ONLY signs or perhaps because of the waiters killing fish in the alleys*, but the choice to open a restaurant is indicative of the kind of pure human energy which has nothing to do with wanting to get rich.

(*I swear they do this at New Kum Den - when someone chooses one of the depressed barramundi from the tank, they fish it out, put it in a bucket and then sneak off to kill it in the alley so the kitchen doesn’t get all fish’d up.)

Just think of everything that could go wrong:

Ruinous upfront and ongoing costs

Unfair reviews

Unreliable twenty-something staff

Think about how much chairs and plates and mops and cutesy pot plants and signs cost. How many tea towels do you need? How many forks? Think about how hard it must be to find a full staff of people you trust. Think about opening for the first day and no one buying anything. Same deal on the second day. Your vegetables start to go bad in the fridge. Did you make a mistake?

This is basically my opinion on restaurants: they are risky investments, shouldered by the courageous so that the whole community has places to go where they can eat delicious ramen or dumplings or fried chicken with blue cheese sauce. With that in mind, why would anyone risk it all to open the establishment pictured below?

Falafel Place opened on Smith Street around 6 months ago. As you can see, it is not stylish - that’s why they called it Falafel Place rather than Palace. It already looks tired and it just opened. It doesn’t beckon. It doesn’t repel. It just exists (for now).

The Smith Street area is already home to many kebab/Lebanese cheap eats joints:

The only angle I can see that Falafel Place may have is that they specialise in vegetarian food (i.e. no kebabs here - only falafel, tabbouleh, etc.) but there’s nothing to recommend this place beyond being vego-friendly.

Something about this place has really gotten under my skin. None of the kebab joints (with a possible exception of Lamb on Brunswick) I’ve highlighted above is especially creative or adventurous in what they’ve opened. I don’t feel a glow of human courage and pride emanating from those businesses - but they do have one thing going for them (beyond the meat): the baked-in grease in the walls, the ravaged staff who have become canny to the ways of the local drunks (getting your kebab is like a hostage negotiation - you’ll have to hand over the cash before you get your food). There’s just something grotty but dependable about the local kebab joints. Like the raw onions in a kebab, it brings a tear to your eye. Not so with Falafel Place. I feel so much pity for the owners. Why would you risk so much money (Smith St rent can’t be cheap - how much fucking falafel will you need to sell to make ends meet?) on a place which looks so disinterested - disinterested in falafel and disinterested in selling us falafel. Do you people even like falafel? Nothing about this place suggests even a passing interest in falafel. Falafel PLACE?!

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me Mr. Proprietor, could you tell us something about what inspired you to open this establishment?

PROPRIETOR: Huh?

INTERVIEWER: Could you spare some time to -

PROPRIETOR: Are you talking to me?

INTERVIEWER: Yes, aren’t you the genius behind this fine falafel restaurant?

PROPRIETOR: Ah yeah.

INTERVIEWER: So, could you tell us a bit about what inspired you to open such a -

PROPRIETOR: Look lady, falafel just spawns here. Every morning we come into the office and find all our desk drawers full of falafel.

INTERVIEWER: You mean you don’t lovingly cook this using a recipe your great-grandmother left you in her will?

PROPRIETOR: No we don’t cook it. We’re accountants. We just sell falafel out of the office reception so it doesn’t attract ants where we’re trying to work.

INTERVIEWER: But why not just eat it yourselves - I don’t understand.

PROPRIETOR: Eat the falafel? I can’t stand the stuff. So dry. It’s awful.

INTERVIEWER: I have to say this is one of the more candid interviews I’ve conducted for Made Up Falafel Magazine. Could you explain the thinking process behind the name?

PROPRIETOR: Falafel Place? Well, yeah we didn’t want to lay it on too thick with superlatives or -

INTERVIEWER: Or even a name which wasn’t a statement of fact.

PROPRIETOR: Look, this is a place where there is falafel. Buy it or not - I really don’t care.

Meanwhile... not too much further along Smith Street, is another newish business: Sen Storm, a Veitnamese fusion restaurant. This premises used to be occupied by a New Orleans po boy joint which seemed to be perpetually closed. A few months ago, I saw that they were re-tiling the shopfront - like so, I think it actually looks really nice:

(It’s closed in this pic - it normally looks a bit more welcoming)

Maybe it’s because I was dimly aware of the failure of the po boy place, but I am very stressed for Sen Storm. Every time I walk past, I look in to see if they have enough customers. Are the staff busy? Are people eating there? Is it being enjoyed? I desperately want the people of Sen Storm to have made a good investment. I can feel the care radiating out of this place - they want it to be nice, they want people to enjoy it. They’re trying something new. Vietnamese food is typically pretty cheap in Melbourne: $12 bowls of pho, $4 banh mi on Victoria Street. Sen Storm is edging their way into fancier restaurant prices ($25 mains, nice cocktails) - there are not many other places in Melbourne doing nice napkin Vietnamese.

I read this interesting article on why noodles are cheap compared to pasta - it has a lot to do with our biases relating to the hierarchy of cuisines:

The other issue in all of this, is us, the dining public. What prices are we willing to pay for pad Thai, ramen or a plate of dumplings? All the chefs interviewed acknowledged a cultural hierarchy that makes noodles cheap and pasta expensive.

"Why would people pay $30 for cacio e pepe, which is really just pasta, black pepper and cheese, but they won't pay more than $10 for three amazingly made har gau or xiao long bao, which probably require a whole lot more skill than making pasta?" asks Dan Hong.

Narada Kudinar, co-owner of Sydney's Yan, sees this play out in his Chinese-style smokehouse.

"We get people who walk into the restaurant, after Googling we are the top-rated Asian restaurant in the area and walking out after seeing the menu prices."

Mr Bayad feels the same frustration running his inner-Sydney Filipino restaurant.

"Customers frequently come in claiming they ate the same food for 43 cents at a street market in the Philippines.

"I deal with that fairly often here and it's an old conversation — I'm just sick of it. The production [of food] here is completely different."

It's an expectation rooted in mainstream experiences of Asian food — from chicken chow mein in suburban Chinese takeaway restaurants with the lucky cat figurines to $1 pad Thai on Bangkok streets.

Even those with Asian heritage can hold the same prejudices. "The easy stereotypes are very ingrained — the idea of yum cha being a 'hangover food' and Chinese being a 'quick, cheap option' — that is ingrained in me as well," says Dr Lee.

^^ This graph is from an Atlantic article from a few years ago which also looks at our biases around food, like why we will pay more for Japanese and French food than Chinese or Thai. Anyway, I do believe tastes and expectations are changing, but the point I’m trying to make is that Sen Storm is part of a new wave - they’re taking a risk and they care.

After months of anxiously peering into Sen Storm, wondering what it was like, I finally went with Matt. We ordered:

Duck curry: orange duck leg curry with egg noodles

Pepper venison: venison seasoned with Vietnamese mountain pepper served with parsnip puree and chilli chutney

Nice, right? I did photograph the food but my pictures were awful (my proud tradition of producing vomitous food photographs continues) but you can see a bit of the venison in the pic below and a corner of the curry as well. Both were very tasty and it felt like a surprising meal. Again, they’re trying something new.

I can understand why the people at Sen Storm took the risk - they had an idea, something to share, and they opened a restaurant which is still not bustling but is slowly accumulating positive reviews and will hopefully grow into a successful business. But if restaurants are risky investments - does it make sense to gamble on something you care about? Is Sen Storm more likely to do better than Falafel Place because the Sen Stormians are passionate? Maybe - but the margin by which Sen Storm has to do better is huge because building something special has cost them a lot more. Falafel Place is built on a foundation of plastic takeout containers.

In short, I am still worried about Sen Storm.

#Smith St #Melbourne #Sen Storm

0 notes

sofuckingchuffed · 7 years

Text

So I’m gonna write about my mental state below the read more so you can just keep scrolling without being confused and curious about this mysterious ‘keep reading’ post.

However, if you do read this, feel free to message me because I’m in a fucking rutt and I don’t expect anyone to be able to help... I just want love in the form of great SVU fanfics, or something, idk. I’m considering rewatching all the Raul eps for gif inspiration because apparently that show is the only thing making me happy these days.

So anyway.

I’m stuck. I’m trapped. I feel like I’ve fucked myself over so badly in regards to my job situation, and therefore my financial situation, and every time I try and think out a plan for myself I just distract myself with tumblr/fanfic/gifs/movies etc because I’m just fucking scared.

I started my first day working from home as a casual captioner today, and when I dug out my work laptop, I also dug out the official warning letter I received a month before my last day in that job (those events are not entirely unconnected – I had a meeting about said warning and then handed in my resignation the following day). I thought it would be kinda funny to read what they’d said now I wasn’t actually working there. Like, I kinda knew what they’d said because we’d discussed it, but I’d not actually read the letter yet.

So I read it… And I couldn’t even make it the whole way through before I was crying too much to actually read. And then when I composed myself I stupidly continued reading and ended up a mess again. And I’m not really sure why. It’s behind me now, so it shouldn’t be quite so upsetting. But it still feels so fucking unfair, and I’m still so bitter, and I blame that job for the ridiculous state of my mental health at the moment, even though that’s probably unfair – I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety.

But like… I was so happy when I moved to Sydney and took that job. And I was happy for at least 10 months, I’d say, give or take. But by Christmas it was just kinda wearing on me a bit. The workload for our team had at least tripled since I started, and yet we had LESS staff than when I started. But I still thought I just needed a break… And then that wasn’t enough, but I thought surely my Hawaii holiday in Feb would put me in good spirits… And it did… Until I got back and was instantly miserable again.

Like, I was showing up to work every day feeling awful. I’d wake up with that all too familiar flutter of anxiety in my stomach, and I’d have to remind myself how to breathe for the whole fucking day, even when literally nothing stressful happened, because just BEING there stressed me out. Fucking existing stressed me out. And I was putting all my energy into getting the job done, not letting people down, smiling at people when they said “good morning” and “have a good night”, joining in on team discussions, when all I wanted to do was fucking disappear. And it was just getting worse and worse and March and April felt like the two longest months of my life (like, I legit even now, can’t believe it less than 2 months between me getting back from Hawaii, and me handing in my resignation).

And then on April 11 I got into the office and I had this email from our HR rep asking if I could make myself free to meet with him and my manager about my performance.

And I sat there while they brought up all these tiny things that I hadn’t even considered. All these tiny little things, like not offering to stay back and help while we were down a coord, not being 100% open to provide training for the Sales team, being ‘withdrawn’ from the team, not ‘being a team player’. Apparently ‘members of the team, as well as members from other departments’ had commented on my ‘negative attitude’. And it took everything in my power not to burst into tears, because all the things they were saying were probably true, it just meant I hadn’t been holding it together as well as I thought I had. And yet they’d never said a single fucking word to me. No one asked if I was okay, if something was going on. No one asked me to stay back, asked why I wasn’t joining in, why I wasn’t being helpful. No one fucking mentioned anything to me, so I thought things were business as usual, and I was putting in the appropriate level of effort (read: EVERY OUNCE OF IT I HAD) to get my job done, and get it done well.

And they brought up the TWO deadlines I’d missed and tried to make out like I’d not taken ownership of that and had tried to shift the blame onto other parties. Like, fuck no. No I did not. I went straight to Sales the moment I knew the deadline was going to be missed and let him know I HAD PERSONALLY FUCKED UP. Like, sure, when I was asked how it happened, I explained about lack of resources and whatnot, but I ultimately owned up to the fact that lack of resources wouldn’t have been a problem if I had noticed the looming deadline sooner. I owned my fucking mistakes – of course I fucking did, because I put myself down enough on a regular basis because OF COURSE IT’S MY FAULT, I FAILED AT DOING MY DAMN JOB.

And so I held it together, and I told them I’d take what they said on board, and I spent the whole fucking day on the verge of tears, and then the minute I could leave the office, I called my Dad, and I told him what happened, and I cried so damn much, and we discussed everything I’d been feeling and all my fears about what quitting would mean. And he told me to do it anyway.

And so I went in the next day and gave my 4 weeks notice, and I got the fuck out of there.

But it’s like it’s STILL eating at me. I literally feel like I’ll never be able to function out there in the real world again. I know that’s stupid and over-dramatic, but I am so fucking scared. I’m scared I’ll never be able to hold down a job because everything becomes too much for me in the end. I’m scared I’ll never have real dreams or ambitions. I’m scared I’ll never get anywhere that I want to go because of just that – I’m scared.

And this whole casual captioner thing sounds great in theory, but I currently lack the motivation. And the fact that I’m new to it means I’m slow, and being slow means I earn less money, and that makes me want to give up on the whole thing. And the more negative feedback I receive, the more I just cry. It feels like everything to do with this company makes me cry. Every. Fucking. Thing.

But I’m moving to Melbourne in 3 months. I can’t just find another job now.

And then it’s gonna be so hard for me to find a job in Melbourne with a trip to London booked for December that I can’t fucking afford.

And my parents are too precious. They can see right through me when I tell them I’m okay. They can see how scared I am, and they keep doing these beautiful little supportive things. Keep telling me I can come home any time. Keep telling me if I need money, they will give it to me. Keep offering to pay for my plane tickets, as though they have that kind of money anyway. They just want me to be happy, and it makes me feel so guilty for being so miserable.

And now I’m crying again, and this is the longest fucking rant I think I’ve ever done on this site, and it doesn’t even begin to describe what is going on inside my head.

I’m just scared. Terrified. I feel so alone, even though I know I’m not.

I’m so tempted to take my parents up on the offer to move back home, at least until I move to Melbourne, because I’m so fucking miserable here, and the week I just spent with them was the most care-free I’ve been in months.

But I hate that town. I hate that it’s so far away from everything fun. That’s why I moved to Sydney in the first place. And my parents drive me nuts. I love them, and I appreciate them, but I don’t think I could handle living with them for 3 months.

But I’m so, so scared… Of life. Of everything.

And most of all, I miss my ex best friend so much, every single day, and I hate that. I hate the doubt I feel about how that ended. I hate wanting to reach out to her and see if there’s still a chance to mend things. I hate that I feel like all of this would be easier if she was still in my life. I hate how isolated and alone I feel without her.

Ugh. And if you’ve read this, I’m actually so sorry because this is a self-indulgent mess and it’s actually kinda gross.

#i know I KNOW I should see a doctor #but I find that overwhelming in itself #i think I just find everything overwhelming tbh

4 notes · View notes