#abd I am happy about ut
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Thinking if I should write dead boy detectives fic. I have honesty have so many ideas
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#delete later#this is literally the worst time for a breakdown#i need to sleep to do the fun thung tomorrow. if i dont do the fun thing tomorrow i will fully regret it#i am panicking and on the verge of tears for no reason#theres too much going on all at once#and i love having ppl in the flat i do but fuck it always triggers the shit out of me#i am both really hapoy to see yhe person abd really happy shes coming to the thing. i am also terrified someone is gonna#go for me. its not logical. im fucking terrified#and theres so many unknowns tomorrow abd im freaking out. i managed to keep myself from aaking if i was allowed to travel#with them tomorrow when they sent me the timings. bc of course thats what that meant. it wasnt a heads up to avoid those times#but now im panicking about it bc not getting the reassurance is adding to the fear. even though the point of exposure therapy#is not getting reassurance for all intrusive thoughts. this is what im meant to do#im still freaking out. tye good thing is that the game specifies that if youre overwhelmed step outside#so i can escape if i need to and probably wont shut down#ill take my headphones abd my beanie and my safe items#i dont care if i look childish. i just gotta get through it to the enjoying bit#fucking. its not pity party time. wait like one week then you can have a breakdown. cut it off. cry at therapy#also want to reiterate i love that my flatmates have ppl round. uts good and nornal and GOOD#its entirely a me problem that ut freaks me out so badly. it breaks all the rules that were hammered into me abd i become convinced#im gonna be punished for disrespecting ppl. thats a me problem. i just cabt have it just be in ny head bc im gonna explode#time to play#will the weighted blanket allow me to better dissociate or make me feel every emotion and sob#neither options are fun!!!
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#hi my names emily and i dont have a platform to vent on anymore#so i do it in thebtags of my tumblr posts!#i feel like i make the wrong moves when tryjng to cheer my friends up#it was a vent post but u know it was about me#and i dont knowbwhat to do#like im just a burdwn all thebtime??#and i jnow this and try so hard to make people happy by being happy myself butbi cant seem to get this socializing thing down??#like i dont mean to be an asshole#i dont mean to be inconsiderate#no one tells me when i am#abd when i dear about ut its on vagye posts and througg other people#and i just want people to be truthfyl#i dont have bas intentions i sewar#i just feel like a toxic persin#and i dont know what to dk#how am i hurting peopls Nd not realiising jt#am i really that inconsiderate#i dont jnow when this happens#i really dknt why dln theg tell me#then j can change
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「Rebuttal」
"After almost 3 fucking years now you decide to be who you were when i first loved you"
let me re-explain one more time because this angers me and since i cant harm myself because i guess i promised you i wouldnt:
the day before you said yiu wanted to go, i wrote a whole thing that i was letting everything go because my while entire beung was crushed by the weight of it. everyone i told about this was happy. i told everyone i was ready to gi further, i was ready to make myself better for you. the following day, i told them all you left me.
its my curse. and until i die, ut will probably bebthe same. i was Lways too late, even when i rushed myself
maybe youll forgive me
but then again, i dint even know if youd care enough to know the amount of damage our vreakup has caused. i see what it did to you, i just havent told you whT i have experiebced, and i may never. i was toxic to you and i wish id have killed myself instead of doing all of this to you.
but i never went back, i just let go of something that ate into me for 8 years and chose to rwally work on myself
maybe i coukd have saved tgis if i did it earlier but i swear to gid all i want is a gun to my head and for you to pull the trigger. you may not be happy with it, but my resolve is extreme to the end, and yiu know this.
and even as i write all of this, im still confused. you wanted me to move on but since i really have, it kills you that i became anew. we dragged each other diwn. you said we beeded a vreak and i used that time to reset myself. it was onky natural that i vecame the person you first fell in love with. but i couldnt ever bekieve that you would actually come back. yoyre around him so much, theres no way youd ever want me back. i accepted that and made it my resolve. i didnt want to, i HAD to. you didnt want me sitting here firever. i didjt expect to have feelings for someone yet, i didjt expect to get iver yoy, but you were over me and onto someone sooner in my eyes. i wont call you hypicritcal because i more than expected that from yoy- and im not trying to talk shit, i didnt thibk yoyd sticj around regardless of hiw hard i wished i had begged yiu to give me a chance. i dont think i deserve it.
but maayve the wirst thing i feel out of this on your end is that you said we beed a vreak, ran to someone else, devemoped feelinfs for hin. then came clean that you didnt want to do long distance. i kost you the minute you realuied you were touch depraved. i saw it and felt it.
im not veing a victim, but telling you more clearly my thoughs.
you may have hid that for so long and you say uve chanced since the chloe problem but never tried to hekp me find resolve. i cut her out to help me get bacj to me abd it didnt help because my past was still crushing me. had you have waited maybe it woukd have worked out, but we cant take it back now. as in pain as you are and can voice it, im reserved, and am sure i will always be reserved. i felt something special for you that i didnt think would ever be real, but i prepared fir you to hate me. i never wanted to control you, i left you with as free of a will as i could bear. you hid frim me that you hurt yourself, and that is still lying. you know i cant stand that.
ive spent more time writing all of this than i have working on a car im about to be fired for because i give a shit. i didnt act like it i guess, because i wasnt ready. i had to release everything in me and move on before i could please you. i was just too late. never love someone like me again. i may have been able to give you the world once but i guarantee yiu that if i had a second chance before this, i woukd have shown you.
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