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earthnashes · 4 years

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Knowing her father was a witch and he up and disappeared makes me think he just didn't walk out voluntarily or simply abandon them. To me, tho this is speculation, an accident happened or someone who wasn't to find of Witches did something.

Oh no, it was entirely voluntary. To an extent. He didn’t like, get kidnapped or anything, he got kicked out and divorced, for a variety of reasons.

This concept is still a WIP so I’m workin out the kinks, hell it may change drastically later since it’s my first attempt at this, but what I’ve brainstormed so far (short version because the last one got LOOOONG)

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-Evangeline comes from a place of wealth. Her family on her mother’s side has owned a huge business for several generations, and leadership positions of that business is often passed down to their children, and their children’s children.

-Adalyn, Evangeline’s mother, is one of the CEOs of the company. She’s one of the highest powers in the business, but even she answers to the boss of the entire business: the president/chairmen. In her case, it’s her parents that act as her superiors, both in personal life and in her business life.

-Adalyn’s side of the family are notoriously disdainful and strict people. A very easy way to see it: if you ain’t rich or of some caliber of esteem, you are beneath them and therefor not worth their time or money. They’ve gone so far as to cut off family members who don’t adhere to their standards, Adayln’s sister being one of them. They are controlling, and Adalyn holds a confused mess of love and resentment toward them.

-They are particularly disdainful toward Witches; it’s why they disapproved so heavily against Adalyn’s relationship with Evangeline’s father. Adalyn rarely stood up for him when they made passive aggressive jibes at him disguised behind nice words, and even sometimes insisted he should hide the fact that he was a witch in general. She was always a person who wanted to be in control, and while that drew him to her at first, now it seeped into how she wanted to control his behavior in public, to her family. This is a huge point for why the divorce.

-Another huge point: Evangeline’s father (let’s just call him Daddyo since he doesn’t actually have a name) didn’t pull his weight. Adalyn may have been rich and she was mostly okay with being the main breadwinner (so long as he stayed home to care for Evangeline while she was gone; she worked long hours), but the problem lies in him barely being there for Evangeline anyway. Don’t get it wrong, he honestly does love his child, but he was an irresponsible parent overall; he’d often leave her alone to her own devices to go to music events or gigs, mostly in the hopeful pursuit of getting his music career to take off. She was, at the time, around 5 years old. Adalyn can’t count how many times she’d come home to find Evangeline all by her lonesome, her father nowhere in sight, or passed out on the couch reeking of seedy bars and cigarette smoke. Or how many times she received a call from Evangeline’s kindergarten, asking about Evangeline’s ride home because her father forgot to pick her up.

-They argued a lot, and eventually Adalyn was way too fed up with it and told him outright to “get out”. He left without a word after, was gone for weeks, and only came back when they were tolerant enough toward one another to finalize divorce papers and for him to gather his things. His goodbye to Evangeline is rough, but it hasn’t fully sunk in that he wasn’t just leaving his wife, but also his child, of whom he had no visitation rights to whatsoever. One of his final parting pieces of advice was “never let anyone change who you are”, and out the door he goes.

-Outside of her sister, Adalyn never told her family that Evangeline is a witch herself, especially since she knows their views on them, hell even shared their views to some extent until she had met Evangeline’s father. Now, because she wants Evangeline to have full claim on her right to be a part of the business (and therefore have a secured future), wants Evangeline to never face the hardships that comes with being a witch, she keeps it a secret, and has done everything in her power to ensure that secret is kept. But a lot of this is harmful to Evangeline in some way or another, something Adalyn probably doesn’t really understand... or refuses to.

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Aaaaaaand there a go! This one got kind long-ish but nowhere near as long as what I originally typed. Consider yourselves SPARED from my blabbering! xD Nah but for real, suggestions or you sharing your thoughts here are def welcome. ^.^

#fnf #fnf canon #feathers and flowers #concept development

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a-e-redacted · 4 years

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‘Riftlash’ Chapter Five sneak peek!

From Chapter 5:

“What do you say, Dipper?” Mabel suggested. “Should we go buy some water balloons and clean up the kitchen?”

“NO!” Palmer cried.

“Oh my gosh, Dad! I was only joking!”

“We’ll help clean it up,” Dipper said.

He stood up from the sofa and walked into the kitchen.

“Wow. That is a mess.”

“Well, we are good at cleaning up messes,” Mabel said. “Almost as good as we are at making them.”

Palmer began mopping up orange juice streams with a dish towel, while Dipper and Mabel swept up the fragments of broken glass.

“So was that a confession? You two did make this mess?”

Mabel laughed. “Hardly! My messes are much more dramatic and impressive!”

“She’s got a point,” Dipper admitted.

Mabel lifted the dustpan of broken glass and blobs of orange juice and took them in the direction of the garbage can.

“You shouldn’t worry about the visit from West Coast Tech so much,” Palmer said as he wiped the tile with a paper towel one last time for good measure. “I know how important this is to you but, look. We want you to know that we’re proud of you no matter what. You’ve proven time and time again that you’re competent.”

“I...uh, thanks Dad?” Dipper said.

“I’m just saying,” Palmer said. “Nobody in this family has ever been accepted into the school. But nobody has applied themselves with as much determination as you.”

Dipper thought briefly that Ford probably had, but didn’t say anything.

“If you get accepted, you deserve it,” Palmer continued. “But if you don’t, it doesn’t make you any less studious or worthy...uh, Mabel? Are you okay?”

Dipper followed his father’s gaze to see Mabel staring, as if hypnotized by the dustpan full of glass shards and gelatinous juice rivulets.

“Hey!” he called. “Bozo-Mabel! Earth to…”

Dipper’s voice trailed off when he saw how distant her eyes were, like she was remembering something from long ago.

He frowned. What could involve a broken orange juice bottle, though?

Dipper took the pan from her, dumping it in the trash can. He finally caught Mabel’s eyes.

It was this that seemed to bring her back to the present.

“Oh,” she said. “Sorry Dipper. I just...just spaced out for a moment there.”

“Are you okay?”

“Oh yeah. I’m better than okay! I’m A-okay!”

“Mabel, it’s alright,” Palmer said. “You’re allowed to be stressed and I know you and your brother are under end-of-school pressure.”

“Nah,” Mabel said. “I don’t stress under pressure and most certainly not about school. Dipper stresses enough for both of us. I just enjoy the ride.”

“Nuh-uh,” Palmer said. “Whatever that was just now? That was not enjoying the ride.”

“I’m fiiiiine!” Mabel insisted. “See how fine I am? What I need,” she opened the refrigerator door. “Is Croco-Hydrate.”

“Just don’t spill it,” Palmer said, still unconvinced that his daughter was fine.

Dipper knew, though. He and Mabel had gone through a few such bad flashbacks in the years since Weirdmageddon, although they were fewer and further between these days. He knew what he’d just witnessed his sister go through, he just didn’t know why a broken orange juice bottle had set it off.

He was not, however, going to ask.

“Okay,” he said. “Well I am stressed. What would you do if you were me and stressed?”

“Drink mass quantities of caffeine and re-watch the series finale of Duck-Tective,” Mabel said brightly.

“Aaaaaaand...not doing that.”

“Laaaame! C’mon, Dips!”

Dipper sighed. “I can’t focus on anything.”

What neither Dipper nor Mabel knew at that moment, was that their day was about to become a whole lot more stressful.

‘Riftlash’ Chapter Five: Escalation And Espionage posts tomorrow!

#riftlash #gravity falls #dipper pines #mabel pines #gravity falls fanfiction #gravity falls fanfic #my fic #sneak peek #my art #i am not an artist #but i try

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setaripendragon · 5 years

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OT3 Drabble: Hush

[Masterlist] AAAAAAAND WE’RE DONE!!! -insert maniacal cackling here- This, my lovely followers, is the last OT3 drabble. I AM NOW DONE with this monster collection of insanity, and I even managed to finish it before the five year anniversary! (Just. Five years for fifty drabbles. That’s not even one a month, gdi.) Gimme a couple of weeks and I’m probably going to pick up another stupidly long challenge, but for now, I’m freeeeeee~! =D And, okay, I probably got a little carried away with this one, it’s my longest drabble yet, and honestly it’s probably too long to really be called a drabble, but I don’t care, because I saved the best for last. I’m so proud of this one, and I love this ship so much, you have no idea. So I hope you all enjoy this ridiculous schmoop for my current favourite obscure OT3 that no one else seems to ship.

OT3 for this prompt: John Childermass/John Segundus/Arabella Strange from Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell.

The evening was young, but the students of Starecross Hall were used to the triumvirate of head teachers retiring early. Most assumed it was to discuss the day’s lessons and the students’ performances in privacy, but there was always some scandalous gossip going around about why it was, exactly, that they required such a strong silencing spell around their private parlour.

Mr Segundus, who was, at that very moment, on his way up the stairs to retire to said private parlour, was mostly oblivious to said gossip. He maintained the happy conviction that the three of them had been quite discreet enough to avoid any suspicion. (His lovers knew better, but as Arabella did not care, and Childermass found it all very amusing, neither of them was particularly interested in making a fuss about it.) However, Segundus was aware enough to know that they owed no small amount of their success at discretion to the silencing spells the three of them had woven around their private parlour – and the even more private bedroom it led to.

To Segundus, the spells appeared as a trellis of white roses, growing thick and verdant along the lintel and jamb of the door. It had taken him a small while to stop flinching at the sight of them, at the beginning, after everything that had happened that had inextricably linked white roses and silence in his mind, but after the roses had done such a good job of shielding him and his lovers from scrutiny and scorn, he’d warmed to them considerably. Now, as he pushed the door open, he gave one of the spectral roses a grateful caress – they were not truly there, and so could not truly be touched, but the intent of the motion and the bolstering of the spells did translate itself as the sensation of petals brushing against skin, so it might as well be called real – and breathed the lingering scent of roses with appreciation.

And was met with an altogether different magical scent inside the room. He blinked, for a moment quite disoriented, before he managed to drag his mind back to itself and recognised that the magic was Arabella’s, and that the lady herself was sitting by the window, intently focused on a bundle of greenery in her lap. “Arabella, dear?” He asked, curiously. “What are you working on?”

Arabella startled a little, then looked up with a smile, although her hands moved as if to hide whatever spell she was weaving. “Oh, John, I didn’t hear you.” She explained, and then glanced back down at her project with a secretive smile. “And you shall have to wait for John to get here before I show you.”

Segundus was all but burning with curiosity as he seated himself at the table before the fire and resolved himself not to press for answers. Arabella had a certain gift for the most beautifully subtle and discreet magics. He distracted himself for the moment by recalling how Childermass had been the first to spot it in her drawings. The way they would breathe, move with winds unfelt, or sometimes even change far more dramatically when one was not looking.

It was not long before Childermass arrived, slinking in like a shadow, and startling them both. “Ah, you’re here.” Segundus said delightedly. Childermass gave him a sardonic look, as if to say ‘no, really?’ but Segundus no longer took such things to heart. “Arabella has a surprise for us, it seems, and she refused to tell me anything until you arrived.” He explained.

Childermass glanced at her. “I had wondered at the magic. I can’t place what it’s for.”

Arabella looked startled. “Magic?” She questioned, then looked down to consider her project with a bemused tilt of her head.

“You had not intended to create an enchantment?” Segundus questioned.

“No, I had not, although I had not intended not to, either.” Arabella mused, before laughing a little. “I suppose when one pours all one’s heart and soul into so magical a thing, there is bound to be some sort of magical consequence.”

“So magical a thing?” Childermass questioned, and then made a sound of understanding as Arabella rose and turned, presenting them with what she had been making.

They were crowns, of a sort, made of vines of ivy, twisted and woven to form a band that was thick with the iconic leaves on the outside, but more bare on the inner side, so that it may be worn about the head without squashing any part of it. There were three of them in her hands, Segundus marked, one for each of them.

He caught himself smiling, and there was a smile in Childermass’s voice, too, when he spoke again. A smile, and a touch of wry humour. “Ivy crowns for the three magician rulers of Starecross Hall? A bit more grandiose than your usual, love.”

Arabella smiled; a smug, laughing thing, though Segundus had never been able to read anything unkind in it. “Ivy has other meanings, John.” She chided lightly. “But yes, it’s because we are magicians that I thought of it.” Her smile dimmed into something pained as she came and set the crowns upon the table, and paused there to lightly stroke her fingers over the leaves. “I know that our love must always be concealed behind our white roses…” She began, and Segundus abruptly remembered the other old legend about ivy. About it growing from the graves of sundered lovers to intertwine, and bring them together even in death.

“But perhaps there, at least, we might be bound together with ivy?” Segundus finished for her softly, his heart feeling suddenly as though it had become a little starling, light and fluttering and liable to fly off if spooked. Childermass, still standing in the middle of the room, drew in a sharp breath, and when Segundus looked to him, he saw a mirror of his own startled awe in his eyes.

Arabella laughed a little breathlessly, and Segundus recognised then that they were all caught in the same nervous excitement, the same disbelieving awe. “I know it is not precisely the done thing, but…” She paused, and then lifted one of the crowns, presenting it to them as though it truly were a coronation. “Will you marry me? If not in the Christian way, since that would be impossible, then at least in the way of magicians…” She trailed off hopefully.

Childermass stepped forward before Segundus could scrape words together out of the dazed mess his thoughts had become, and lifted the crown out of Arabella’s hands. He was as careful with it as he was with his battered old cards, and lifted it to rest it upon Arabella’s beautiful dark hair. Arabella breathed in, sharp and shaky, and blinked over a tentative, joyful smile. “The pair of you have ruled my heart for a good long while now, I see no reason you shouldn’t have actual crowns to go with your kingdom.” Childermass told her, casting a pointed look over his shoulder at Segundus, as well.

It was that which prompted Segundus, finally, to action. “Well said.” He murmured as he stood, and then plucked up the second crown, and lifted it up to Childermass, who was forced to bow his head to accept it, being as tall as he was. While he had been doing that, Arabella had retrieved the final crown, and Segundus bowed his own head to let her press it lightly down to settle over his curls.

The moment it was in place, he felt it. It was no very powerful spell. Like all of Arabella’s magic, it was subtle and unobtrusive. A warm, comforting blanket about his shoulders, a quiet melodic hum against the chill of the silence they were forced to hide behind. “A geis.” Childermass murmured.

“A magical vow.” Segundus agreed. “I think perhaps this is the most perfect wedding we could ever have had.” He mused, delighted. They had not spoken any words of love or fidelity, perhaps, but then they hadn’t needed to. The ivy had said it all for them, under the secret, safe silence of their roses.

#Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell #John Childermass #John Segundus #Arabella Strange #johnsquared #childermass x arabella #segundus x arabella #OT3 drabble #yes arabella calls them both john #she thinks it's very funny when they get confused who she's talking to #SHE always knows which john she means #ivy will always mean marriage to my brain thanks to sansukh #so reading JSaMN and having it represent magicians was an adventure #and did you know white roses do actually mean silence in victorian flower language?#that's why the emphasis on white in this fic #you will pry the headcanon of arabella the magician #out of my cold dead hands #after all how else is she supposed to drag jonathan home by the ear?

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tarmairons · 5 years

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aaaaaaand here’s part 2 of the extensive (book & netflix) masterpost of all my fave eslaf moments!!!! again, fair warning, this is a very long post

[part 1]

i wish i could have done all this in one part but i hit a size limit oops

NOW ONTO SEASON 3!!! which was a nightmare but i’ll try to pretend it wasn’t for the sake of this post

to begin: the constant endearments in the book (and the show... “darling dearest dreamboat” damn esmé) have me losing my wholeass mind like

next up we have the indisputable fact that they f*cked in the tent on mount fraught. my proof is that they shared a tent and it was cold and so they had to generate heat. thank you

and then another instance of their shared brain cell evaporating

olaf being super proud of scoring the world’s hottest girlfriend and bragging to his parental figures is surprisingly wholesome

aaaand their brain cell is still missing in action

it’s very very cute how olaf obviously has zero artistic talent but esmé is always out there looking at him putting on a show like he’s the most amazing actor alive

and next on the list of scenes we were robbed of: p h y s i c a l a f f e c t i o n

but at least the most important line, that is:

was included:

so i won’t torch netflix hq just yet!!!! oh but WAIT they cut this next part, so i might change my mind about the arson after all

and also this line ???? ugh they’re disgusting i love them

and then this whole entire scene of olaf being so proud of his murderous gf was. beautiful. spectacular. legendary

and then someone pointed out that their hug looks like that draco/voldemort hug and it’s TRUE but i’m still gonna include it bc netflix is eslafphobic and i’m clinging to scraps here

this next line isn’t an eslaf scene but the phrasing is sending me shddhhdjsh

ok submarine time!!!! aka netflix making the sugar bowl esmé’s priority whereas in the book it is olaf’s as well AND netflix making it look like olaf was against carmelita joining them whereas it was his idea in the book… so basically all the reasons they fight in the show are unsubstantiated but go off i guess

very grateful for this Old Married Couple Bickering tho

and i know this whole scene is very problematic and talked about profusely on tumblr dot com but i’m including this screencap bc it’s soft how esmé considers them all a family

and Oh Wait olaf does too i’m melting

it’s like in TPP they wrote him bitching about “pretending to be a family” but he didn’t have any issues with it earlier, he just ran with it when esmé called carmelita their daughter

and was like “i know” ok netflix so why have him complain about it later on smh… he’s clearly not THAT mad about it, like:

next up!!! i’m a big fan of them disagreeing over something…

…and then 0.5 seconds later they’re getting along again:

^ that is the essence of their relationship

and now back to the topic of olaf not being annoyed at esmé’s Fashion Diva moments:

see he’s lowkey impressed ok

i’m now realizing that 99% of my alleged fave eslaf scenes from s3 are just me complaining about how the books are superior but ok

anyway this next scene deserves an emmy. give lucy an emmy for the delivery of “BUT DARLING”

and this is also soft bc olaf is like :/ and then esmé says something and he turns to her and is like :) so that always has me on the floor in tears

out of context this sentence is wild but like… netflix back at it again with robbing us of all the affectionate scenes huh

and here’s another instance of Couples Scheming being a fun activity to do together

and then we have their joint brain cell screaming for help but it’s adorable so

and then they go off to f*ck again

next up this whole beach scene is just more old married couple behavior and i absolutely adore it

and then we have Bonding Over Arson ~just couple things~

the fact that as the series progresses they go from “count olaf’s gf” to “esmé squalor’s bf” is legendary

and now this isn’t really a fave scene per se BUT considering the mess netflix made of the breakup i have to give a shoutout to the book version bc in comparison to the show version it’s.. beautiful how Mutual Agreement it is

but yeah lucy is spectacular here and it adds fuel to the Esmé Did Have Feelings For Olaf Because Otherwise She Wouldn’t Be Crying fire, which is great for me bc i love my otps with a side of angst

and of course netflix confirmed that esmé squalor, the city’s sixth most important financial advisor, has a daddy kink, so that’s incredible

you may think i’m done bc they broke up but no

here we have them a millisecond away from murdering each other but they’ll still take time out of their busy schedules to menacingly glare at children together. a spiritual bond that no breakup can destroy

but the real gem is the massive horny on main energy in the opera flashback (which was awful, but horny, so i have mixed feelings)

subtle, esmé

you too olaf, good job

and ofc it’s [luciana voice] imperative to remember that in the book esmé was out there trying to stop the premeditated murder of olaf’s parents so that’s nice of her

and last but not least the only valid s3 scene aside from esmé menacing the kids in the burned vfd headquarters:

sexy noir aesthetic fire escape rendezvous that ignited a revenge scheme spanning decades. if that’s not peak romance idk what is

and not to be controversial but i’m gonna drop this here anyway

ever since i read the end a billion years ago i always used to think olaf meant kit in this scene but like ?????? over the past few months i’ve been thinking, what if he meant esmé?? i mean, nothing directly negates that possibility, the books are so ambiguous and so open to interpretation that i might as well twist them to fit my headcanons, as we all do, so why tf not

and i’m gonna add some final Thoughts and Opinions in case i get more anons asking why i ship eslaf even though they’re constantly bickering &/or about to Snap and kill each other:

i’m hopelessly weak for villainous ��us against the world’ power couples and it’s like.. even though in the series they ultimately have different end goals, they have a great time being awful people together along the way and that’s all that matters, that familiarity and mutual understanding between them. neither of them ever tried to change the other, they’re both garbage people and that’s why they get along, and what makes them so compatible

and while i’m still hesitant to use the word ‘love’ in regard to their relationship bc it just doesn’t feel Right to me (i know there’s people out there who feel otherwise but i’m still meh about it), i don’t doubt that they had feelings for each other deep down, even if they didn’t always outwardly express them

so that’s my massive essay with so much source evidence that tumblr made me divide it into 2 separate posts thank you for your attention i need a vacation from tumblr now bc this took me HOURS

#a series of unfortunate events #asoue #eslaf

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neeeruh · 3 years

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Thursday, February 18, 2021

Hi, let me tell you how I’m feeling right now. My back hurts, like always. Mylips are chapped and it’s annoying. I have cramps because I’m on my period. So because of my period I’m craving something sweet but I don’t know what I want. I’m conflicted. Then this morning I couldn’t get out of my drive way because my car was still under a lot of snow. I went to target and I couldn’t find parking because of the damn snow. So I decided to go to Starbucks to get coffee.. the negativity doesn’t end there.. so I’m sitting in the Starbucks parking lot trying to open the Starbucks app, my phone was at 20% mind you. All of a sudden it turns off.. completely. Oh no you don’t bitch you’re gonna turn back on! I hold the power button and it only took like 10 minutes to finally turn on. Then it tells me it’s at 7%. Fuck you Apple for ducking with my battery and trying to make me buy a new phone. I’m still on the 6s+. Anyway, my phone finally turns on, I click on the Starbucks app and it has the audacity to ask me for my password. It completely signed me out.. I don’t remember my password wtf?! Luckily I had finger print ID to log back in, but at that point I was in the parking lot for a good 20 mins. And I know you’re asking yourself “why didn’t you just go inside to order your drink” with Covid I don’t feel comfortable being in there too long, I usually mobile order and dip. So that’s what I did finally and 4 minutes later I get my drink. FINALLY. Go back to target, got what I needed and a few other things cuz you don’t walk into target and not tear yourself. Went home aaaaaaand cooked. That was my morning. The rest of my day wasn’t too bad. Daniel came over and we watched tiktoks until we pissed our pants from laughing so hard.

That was a long intro. So I wrote in a journal already about a few things and I guess I’ll go into detail here. This feels a lot better than writing though I will say that much. Writing made my hand cramp. Shits painful. In that journal the last time I wrote, was in January of 2019. I wrote that I had just gotten into a relationship and that I was happy. That I would also keep myself posted.. which I never did, for 2 years. We’re in 2021 and I haven’t wrote anything since. So I’ll do it today! I’m sure I’ve wrote about it here. Some specific events but I won’t go into much detail.

The year 2019, Daniel and I had already been dating for about a month. We made things official in December of 2018. As I said in my journal, 2019 feels like a glimps into our future. I say this because of the way Daniel treats me. He’s always trying to do everything for me, quite frankly I’m not used to that. I usually never expect anything from anyone because I usually do everything myself. I’m very independent. I rarely ask for favor. He treats me like a queen, and I know every girl says that. But I mean he actually does, he won’t let me do anything. He won’t even let me help him. Which is annoying because I try to do things for him and he won’t let me. That’s another story. He’s also very good at putting himself in my shoes. He tries to see everything in my eyes. Whenever he’s about to make a decision about anything he tried to see it through my eyes and how I would feel about it. He’s very kind and he wears his heart on his sleeve. So basically he’s perfect, and I can see me sharing the rest of my life with him. Even though things are rocky right now. I’m trying.

In 2020, the year started out fine. People were getting sick left and right, no one knew why or what it was. I myself got sick early January. I had never experienced the flu before so I assumed that’s what I had. It was the first time I had called off work for being sick. I felt terrible. February comes around and there’s talk on the news about a virus in China that has started to spread all over and of course here in America no one takes anything seriously. We all have inflated egos and we’re better than anyone else. There’s no way we’ll get sick. Mind you, I got sick in January, right after a coworker of mine came back from Europe. She was sick too.. worse than I was. Then in March, the world goes into panic and businesses start closing, kids stop going to school, shelves in stores are empty of toilet paper. Everyone was afraid.. I mean I was too. I still went to work though, every single day. There was a time where I was the only teller that showed up. It was only me. But I took charge I showed up everyday and I never complained. And with everything going on I never showed how stressed out I was. Little did I know this was affecting my mental health. I kept myself calm and cool not showing any emotion. Around this point my birth control was also making me emotional and sometimes depressed. And with the stress of the virus, Daniel because afraid too. But with him it was a lot easier to see the fear in his eyes. He grew more anxious day by day. So without realizing my out my feelings to the side and chose to help him instead. Just like how I did with work. They needed me. 2020 was just the beginning.

With everything happening in 2020 with the virus, Black Lives Matter, ect. At some point my mental health was declining. My self worth as well. I stopped caring about myself. I worried about everyone else. A coworker that I held close and dear to my heart, her mother passes away. And with that I was a mess. I came to the realization that I wasn’t close to those people anymore. Not to her or anyone that worked there. They were family to me and then they weren’t anymore. And it broke me. I felt replaced. For a split second it felt that way with Daniel too. The communication wasn’t there and I felt casted out. At that moment, everything went down hill. Towards the end of 2020, I didn’t know how to cope. I found myself crying more and more often. I was more emotional than usual. Daniel didn’t know how to help me. And because of that he felt disconnected with me. Maybe because he felt like he couldn’t help me that he wasn’t good enough for me. But I’m reality, I’ve always just had to deal with my pain by myself. I never needed or wanted the help from anyone else. Or maybe I don’t know how to ask for it? Or maybe it’s me being independent again. Not expecting anything from anyone.

2021, made me realize I’m human and not superwoman. I have a brain and I have to take care of it. I need to find a better way to cope. I also need to be selfish too. I can’t always take care of everyone else. I can’t push myself to the side and only aid others. I’ve still been crying more than normal. I’ve been in a negative head space. So I decided to pick up writing again to help me deal with everything that’s going on. Also to help me express myself. Daniel can’t read my mind like I do his. I guess I have that good of a poker face. I’m horrible at expressing emotion. I actually never used to cry until I went on birth control. Maybe that’s something I need to do to help me. Get off birth control. Anyway, my had is numb. And it’s late. I should probably go to sleep. Good night.

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streetcornertwoam · 7 years

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oh dear...

so I had mentioned on here the other day that getting in touch with an old high school friend can sometimes be nice

...and it still is, but it’s getting vaguely more...real now

real now as in...exchanging phone numbers and talking about hanging out

which is fine...except I just...don’t do that anymore...

I’ve become so closed off from people that I just...don’t go out or do anything, which is...fine

mostly

I’m more fine with it than I used to be, I think

but then I’ll get to talking with someone, and talks of getting together and hanging out happen and like...I’m always torn

‘cause yea it would be nice to see them, to talk, catch up...etc

but...then I just become overwhelmed with anxiety...and I don’t really know why

I never was like this...

sure there were times I would perhaps ignore or y’know...drop out of hanging out whatever, but I would always still really want to

and then it became just..wasn’t ever invited, which...fair, but it hurt ‘cause y’know...I don’t know...I’m a person and even though we’re complicated af and I would have said no to going anyway...lol

and then it just kinda...I don’t know, became easier to not see anyone for long stretches of time...so I got used to being at home and doing whatever

so now it’s like someone wants to do something and for a minute it sounds nice, but mostly it’s just terrifying

I did this sorta a few summers ago with another friend from high school

also started off messaging on FB, then switched to texting...like all the fucking time...hung out a few times...aaaaaaand then we ended up like...hardcore make out session in a cemetery...yikes lol

reason for the cemetery...lol...it’s...like right behind my house...there’s a church behind my house and then it’s just like...right there cemetery

and when I was a teen me and my friends used to go walking through it and it shit all the time ‘cause it was just...near and y’know whatever

so basically it was a more or less private place near by and...so that happened

...i don’t remember if we managed to hang out again after, i know we texted a few more times and talked about hanging out...but then I think I just felt...really weird? so I kinda blew him off...’cause I’m super mature and awesome obvs

and...I haven’t talked to him really at all since lol

and y’know....we were close in high school...we never ended up dating, ‘cause his track record with girls was horrible, and I remember telling him that one time when he asked if I’d ever date him. And I straight up said no, ‘cause you end up dating a girl for a few days and then it’s over and then you aren’t even friends anymore...so no

......buuuuut that obviously never stopped from y’know...the occasional kiss action lmao

i was also the first person he ever made out with, so there’s that lol

it’s just...I don’t know, it’s weird lol

I feel like...we could have maybe had...something

but there (for me) was just...nothing when we were kissing

and I don’t know that there ever really was much, but I feel like there used to be...more I don’t know

........

not that I really think anything like that would happen with this guy......I mean...I suppose it could

I’m fairly certain he always had a bit of a crush on me

which is sweet, he was always really nice....but I just never felt the same back

I don’t know

I’m probably gonna end up having to tell him some version of this. At least the bits about I’m terrible when it comes to people anymore, and regardless of how much I may want to see and hang out I’ll probably always bail last second ‘cause I’m just...incapable of being around people apparently

I just don’t want him feeling badly ‘cause I’m such a shit person

he said he really misses me and always really loved and admired me in high school ‘cause my personality and I could always make him laugh/smile

and I’m just like...fuck that’s so goddamn nice, but honestly dude I’m such a fucking mess anymore

you want to know what I’ve been doing since high school? fuck all

dated a guy I’d known my entire life basically for 3 1/2 yrs, thought it was gonna be a forever sorta thing, ha! Jokes on me...turns out he was a fucking asshole and I should have ended after oh...2...2 1/2 yrs? but did I? NOPE

so that was fun...and that fucked me over pretty good when he did finally end it....and then strung it along by every few weeks texting me and shit until I found out what a real piece of work he was, and that was the final straw

and then I started getting back out into the world...met some new people, reconnected with my best friend, and for a couple yrs it was pretty great....

then parents place closed down, new friends i made started heading off to college, I started babysitting my nephew, lost touch with friend....

I mean this all kinda happened at the same time...I had been babysitting nephew when I was still hanging out with people and parents place was still open but still that’s basically how that went...

saw them a few more times, but then I just...by that point reached where I am now....

maybe if I got back out there after a while it’d be different, I don’t know

for all that I’m still the same person, I’m vastly different than I ever used to be

and I think that’s simply from all the time that I’ve spent on my own...so I’ve been in my head a lot and been able to think about things...sometimes over think....obsess about it...but y’know...it did at least lead me to one positive thing...figuring out that I’m not nearly as straight as I always thought I was...oh hey turns out Kels that you’re bisexual...who would have thought

well me for one, if I had ever just...thought about some of the shit I finally thought about, instead of just....fucking denying it and burying it

....I don’t know how different things would be had I realized it sooner, and even though I’ve never told anyone in my real life...I do feel better

it’s more freeing...it’s nice

and there are times...that I’m just...sitting with my parents or just my mom...and I just wanna be like ‘so...I’m bisexual’

tbh I don’t think it’d be a big issue...sometimes I think ‘they must know...’ or ‘they must suspect...’ just ‘cause...of the things I say sometimes now but I don’t know...

...I at least know my mom would be ok with it, since her older brother...my uncle...was gay

and even though he never told anyone, she said she knew...and that’s why he moved away from here so he could be himself

and I so get that...but I just really hate that he never felt he could share that part of himself before he passed

y’know...what if I had realized about myself sooner...I could have told him and we could have had that connection

...I say he was gay, but I honestly don’t even know if that’s right...I remember growing up he had girlfriends, or at least...said he had girlfriends...but I know when he died him and an old friend of his were together...so...I don’t know

I was only 18...27 now...but...I had enough information about myself to have figured out...or at the very least questioned things about myself at that point

guess it’s sorta pointless to think about things like that...can’t change the past, no sense dwelling over it...just something I got to thinking about

....this post has gone a bit off the rails lol

sometimes I forget how good i feel after I do long posts like these

I know that no one reads ‘em, or at least I suspect no one does

but I do it for myself...get thoughts down and out

it helps...a bit

I’ve been starting to think maybe I should see a therapist or something...

mom always said she was gonna send me to one when I was a teen ‘cause of my....habits

it’s one of the many things we’ve never talked about, and she never...really knew 100%, but I do know that she at least once saw scars on my arms

....and got a call from the school I think once my freshmen year after my classmates died

‘cause someone had told a counselor that I was...a bit not right and I remember getting called down once in class...and she (or was it a guy...I don’t totally remember ha) asked me if I was doing ok etc etc etc....I of course lied, and they told me that a friend had said otherwise (never did find out who that was) and they gave me a suicide hotline card and said I could come talk whenever and...then I went back to class

....sometimes I think that’s why Mr. Emery took such a shine to me...’cause it was in his class...and he got the call that I needed to go down...and then I got back and he asked if everything was alright and I just said ‘yea fine’

and y’know...he did looked...concerned but he didn’t push...I don’t know

I never got called down again...and then it just kinda...fell by the wayside I guess I don’t know

it’s weird thinking back like that...like...I can remember his face when he answered the phone and...the look...when he heard what was said...he just looked...taken aback

...fuck

I need to stop thinking about it ‘cause it’s just...yea

haven’t thought about it in ages and it’s just...a lot

for anyone that has read all this...mass of garbage and is..maybe worried about me...regarding all...that

it’s fine...I’m fine...haven’t done anything like that for...10 or so years maybe?

...thoughts is a bit different, real serious thought...still been a few years probably

those creepy intrusive thoughts that happen sometimes? yea...but it’s usually just more simply a ‘what if I died’ or ‘what if I were dead’ sorta thing...

...so admittedly yes, probably unhealthy...should really think more about a therapist or something but...oh well

ok...gonna wrap this up now I think

gonna have a queue going later today/tomorrow fyi...don’t worry haha

#personal bs #lots and lots and LOTS of rambling #as usual just done to get thoughts out #feel a bit better now

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meggybetho924-blog · 7 years

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Laxus and Lucy Ship Week 2017: Day 7

I am SO sorry this took so long to be updated. Life got super busy, and it finally just settled down in the last few days.

I know this isn’t what I said it would be, but it’s something. It’s been killing me to know that I still haven’t completed this and I had to just post something for my own sanity (what’s left of it lol).

Anyway, without further ado, I give you all my last post for Laxus and Lucy Ship Week 2017!

Day 7: Father.

——

Laxus sighed into his whiskey before taking a rather large sip.

The Raijinshu had just finished a week long mission and were leaving on the first train in the morning. He knew he should be getting some rest in preparation for the hours he’d be spending suffering from motion sickness, but he just couldn’t sleep.

He had too much on his mind.

This would be the last job he would be taking for quite a while.

At thirty-three weeks pregnant, his wife was growing closer and closer to her due date.

The doctor had informed them that they wanted to deliver the twins a bit earlier to prevent any possible complications, so in reality there was only three weeks left. If they didn’t come sooner. Which they could. Lucy had been in and out of the hospital because she had gone into preterm labor at twenty-eight weeks, and had been placed on bedrest ever since. They had even given her steroid injections to speed up the twin’s lung development in case they came too early. The hope was, that they would ‘keep cooking’ for at least another week.

In all, Laxus hated being away from Lucy for so long. He wanted to be home, making sure she was comfortable, helping her to the bathroom, and over-all just being with her.

He loved just being near her, and now that she was giving him children to call his own he loved her even more.

But he was scared, no terrified.

What if they came while he was gone? What if their lungs still weren’t developed enough? What if they lost one of them?

The questions were endless, and being so far away was only making it worse.

Just as Laxus nodded his thanks to the bartender for his refreshed drink, he caught a scent that made his entire body tense in anticipation and disbelief.

Moments later, the person attached to the scent sat down in the stool next to him with a heavy sigh and called out to the bartender for a mug of ale.

The tension in the air was so thick, one could almost taste it. Other patrons seemed to sense it and gave the two a wide berth in case things went wrong.

The two men sat in silence for what felt like hours, waiting for the other to make the first move.

Laxus studied the man as best as he could from the corner of his eye, and he knew the other man was doing the same.

He looked only a little different from the last time Laxus had seen him all those years ago. His hairline had receded a bit more, and the signs of aging had become more apparent.

Finally, the other man broke the silence.

“Son.”

The Dragon Slayer turned stiffly in his seat to face him. “Why the fuck are you here?”

The man scoffed, placing a hand on his chest in mock hurt. “Ouch. Is that any way to greet your father after all this time?”

“You are no father of mine, Ivan.” Laxus sneered.

Ivan was quiet after that, simply studying his son. His black eyes focused on his hand, and his bushy brows rose.

“Don’t tell me, you tied the knot?” He leaned closer with a teasing smile, as if there was no tension at all and they were old pals. “So, who was it that snagged your heart? Do I know of her?”

Gritting his teeth, Laxus leaned away from him, taking a generous swig of his whiskey. “That’s none of your business.”

Really, all Laxus wanted to do was beat the man beside him into a bloody unrecognizable mess. But he didn’t exactly need that kind of a battle the night before he was to return home to his wife. He may have beaten his father and his guild once before, but that didn’t mean that Ivan hadn’t come prepared this time. There was too much of a risk, as there was no way of knowing what tricks Ivan had up his sleeve.

So he would try to remain somewhat civil, see what the hell the bastard wanted, and be on his merry way. Gramps would want to hear about this, know his son’s latest location, and he made a mental note to call him in the morning.

“Lucy Heartfilia, am I correct?” Ivan suddenly said, and every muscle inside of his large body tensed almost to the point of pain.

“How…”

Ivan waved him off, his posture relaxed as he nursed his drink. “Oh stop that, this is a casual visit. Relax and have a drink with your old man.”

Neither of them said anything for a while after that, Ivan smiling at him in a way that made his teeth grit together.

“Now, from what I’ve heard from my source, I’m going to become a grandfather soon. So tell me, is it a boy or a girl?”

Laxus didn’t respond, glaring at him and internally daring him to threaten his family.

Ivan sighed, shoulders slumping and demeanor changing in a way that made Laxus pause in his rage, albeit hesitantly.

“Look, so-Laxus. My only intentions here tonight were to simply talk to you and learn about what is happening in your life.” He took a long sip of his ale before turning to look Laxus in the eye, his gaze filled with a sadness and longing that the Dragon Slayer didn’t understand.

The blonde’s shoulders relaxed without his permission, and he was suddenly brought back to when he was a child. When he wanted nothing more than to see his father’s love. To see his father actually give two shits about him. It seemed now that he was finally getting what he wanted, but he knew it had to be too good to be true.

“Pretend what you’re saying is true, why now? After everything you put Gramps through? After what you’ve done to me? To Fairy Tail? Why do you miraculously care now, and most importantly why should I care?” The blonde demanded, his eyes hard and angry.

“I’m dying, son.”

Perhaps he should feel concerned over the fact that he didn’t feel saddened by this news. He hardly knew this man, other than the pain he had inflicted on himself and his family. Only a small part of him felt any sort of sympathy.

They sat in silence once again, the words hanging heavy in the air around them, before Laxus slapped the Jewel he owed down on the bar, stood, and made his way out of the establishment.

Before he got too far however, he glanced over his shoulder at the man slumped dejectedly at the bar and sighed. He really had become softer after being with Lucy for so long.

“Twins.” He grunted.

Ivan’s head whipped around to look at his grown boy, stunned. “What?”

“Lucy and I are having twins. Boys, due at any time now.”

Without waiting for his father’s response, Laxus left the bar and walked to his room, deep in thought. It wasn’t that he felt as though his deadbeat old man deserved to know about the twins, only that something deep inside him told him it was the right thing to do. And he left it at that, not wanting to add the stress of trying to figure that one out, on top of everything else that was going on in his life.

He didn’t see the sad smile that spread a crossed Ivan’s face, or the tears that streamed down his cheeks.

Nor did he hear the words his father whispered hours later as he laid in his own bed.

“Thank you, son. You’ll be a far greater father than I could have ever hoped to be…”

——

Aaaaaaand it’s done. Super late, kind of short, but it’s done.

Fun fact: Lucy’s pregnancy issues with her twins were actually my issues when I was pregnant with my twin boys. The pregnancy was hell, I was constantly in pain, and ended up having a cesarean section at 34 weeks. They spent 3 weeks in the NICU with breathing and feeding tubes.

I had to share this, because they just turned 3 years old on April 8th! I love my redheaded blue-eyed boys, and all that pain was worth it.

This concludes Laxus and Lucy Ship Week 2017! It was my first time participating in a ship week, and I loved it. Let’s just hope that the next time I try it, I don’t wait so long to finish it, eh?

#laxus dreyar #lucy heartfilia #ship week #fanfiction fairy tail #fairy tail

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