need to remember to not compare my art to people who went to art school bc they put class hours in to learning and getting feedback that I spent learning other skills but also we are all out here on the internet and its hard not to and its not like there is a disclaimer on art saying if someone has a degree in it

top five favorite Yellowjackets dynamics?

(thank you for sending it again! I think I intended to delete one ask and then I did. idek what xDD)

IIRC @legendsofamultishipper also asked me about my favourite dynamics in her ask.

If I were to pick a true number one, it'd be "the team". The group dynamic itself and how it's progressing due to the complications of their stay in the wilderness is absolutely fascinating. The pull and push of the embryos of "factions" building, the tension, the mutations or distance or deepening of past dynamics, the slow build (kind of wish it was even SLOWER, I like that xD) to the cult we've been hinted at... I'm into that shit xDD

Small aside: someone else has probably raised the possibility, but I've wondered whether there will be just one (1) antler queen (Lottie as the favourite, Shauna as the spoiler, IMO XD), OR if it'll be a rotating position so everyone is "equally" to blame, iykwim? Idk, I think if there'd been just one (1) girl in charge the dynamics among them in the future would be different (although I'd have to see more of the others vis a vis Lottie to be sure. Natalie is hostile towards her but that's not as clear-cut, and I think if Lottie had been Completely In Charge it'd make more sense for her to be waaaaaaaaay beyond hostile and snarky lol). I mean, unless my half-joke theory turns to be true and it was Mari until there was an uprising against her xDD

(not so small after all asñdlfkajsf)

After that... I must go with Jackie and Shauna. I find it really engaging, everything I could've asked for in terms of messy toxic teen girlfriendship LOL. The only caveat it's that Jackie's death and the consequent stagnation of their relationship is a double-edged sword: yes, it adds a fascinating component, especially in the future when you see how NOT OVER IT Shauna remains... but it means there's no advancement, no possible deeper exploration from half of the relationship (barring the show going full supernatural and resurrecting Jackie I guess xD, but it's doubtful). Jackie's doomed by the narrative and that's part of what I like about her, but it also means that Jackie-the-person, instead of Jackie-the-construct, has little to contribute from now on. All of this is to say: right now these two occupy the second position, but other relationships have more possibilities to grow in my esteem going forward.

For number three, I'm choosing Misty and Natalie. It's hilarious and weirdly heartwarming in the creepiest of ways xD, and I simply enjoy every second of them on my screen. Misty's fixation and admiration of Natalie could be enough to write an essay, and I also love wondering about how much their moments in 1x09-1x10 were Natalie genuinely warming up a little to Misty and how much it was Natalie needing her help LOL.

Positions four and five could vary going forward (there are so many dynamics that have gone underexplored for now but that I'm IMMENSELY curious about). But as of now, I'm going to pick Taissa and Van. This interview was an eye-opener. I already like them from what we've seen, but I'm really banking on their potential as exes in the present timeline because you guys all know I loooooove a good exes plot. Add that whatever is going on with mirror!Tai wanting to see Van again... I'm Looking 👀

I'd say either Lottie and Laura Lee or Lottie and Natalie. The first has that prophet/disciple flavour going on that I find superb, but we run into a similar problem as Jackie-Shauna (even more, given how comparatively little we have of Laura Lee vs. Jackie). Lottie and Nat still have a lot to say, IMO. I feel like we've barely scratched the surface in comparison, and I want to see more, but I'm not quite there. Shauna and Tai are a good pair too, but they've given me less in the last few episodes.

Since I already tagged her: @legendsofamultishipper also asked me about my favourite and least favourite characters.

My favourites could also be encompassed by "the team", although I obviously have preferences lol. Misty and Lottie are likely at the very top (Misty is unhinged and I can't look away from the crash, Lottie has the heretic messiah thing going for her), with Taissa and Natalie not far behind, Shauna as the !!!!! option, Jackie as a great Dead Girl TM, Vanessa has a lot of potential, and Mari and Crystal are simply hilarious...

As for "least favourite"... I don't hate anybody, but I reiterate that I don't care for the normies AT ALL. Like, nothing. "Oh this character is having a Rough Time" were they in the crash? Did they have to survive in the wilderness? No? Then I'm not paying any attention to them. My empathy is fully turned off, trust me xDD. My hierarchy is girls in the crash >>> boys in the crash >>>>>>> normies. But I'm mainly neutral about (and sometimes amused by) them. The ones I'd say I dislike the most are the cop characters, especially that moustache one, or Randy, or Adam... but it's a ~mute dislike, iykwim. They're unlikeable people, I just don't care about them as characters.

2022 has been, well, let's say a continuation of the pandemic years for me. I'm a little lacking in emotional resilience these days, and I'm dragging myself over the line with the hopes that next year will be kinder. But it hasn't all been bad. I've had some amazing times with friends and family, I paddled in the sea with my nephew, I finally saw @bethanyactually again after so fucking long, and I've learned a few things. So I thought I'd do the counting my blessings thing, and look back on the good things this year.

2022 was the year that I…

Wrote nearly 200k words. That's over 500 words a day. That is two full-length novels. And I finished and posted about 130k of it on AO3, which—look, I've not been tracking it this way before now so I don't have the stats, but it's DEFINITELY a higher rate of finishing than I've had before. And @wheresmytowel deserves all my thanks for, oh, so much of that. I'm gradually figuring out what works for me in terms of completing stories, and I'm really happy with my progress on that front.

Discovered that armpit hair is cute. I'm serious. Look, I've given up shaving before, but I don't think I've stuck to my guns for this long, well, ever. But this summer, after my last trip to the beach with the family, I decided, to hell with it. And now it's all grown past the spiky stubble stage, and the beard-on-someone-who-can't-really-grow-a-beard stage, and it's kind of luxuriant and…goddamn it, it's fluffy. It is cute. Why is it always seen as a Statement or an insult, something strident and unfeminine and unkempt, when long hair is otherwise seen as an ultra-feminine attribute? I love my fluffy little pits, and legs, and bits. It's possible I'll chicken out when summer comes around again—but until then, I'll get a fond little 'yay' moment, every time I see the kitten fluff under my arms.

Decided that I didn't want the career I've got. This is a difficult one, but it's been a long time coming. A large part of why I am where I am comes from me trying to live up to the (impossible) legacy of my mother, and…okay, yes, I am also a firm believer in the value of public sector work and everyone pitching in to make the country and the world a better place. But I've been doing something along those lines for nearly 20 years now, and I'm kind of burnt out, ngl. And I'm sad to say, I might be done with the NHS. I truly believe in it, and I am loyal through and through, but…it's an increasingly hard place to work, and I don't think I have the mental stamina for it any more. Maybe once I've stepped away, and regrouped for a few years, I will come back. But at the moment, it's a really bad place to be for my mental health, and as a result of that, I'm doing an increasingly poor job of things that I used to find easy. So, I just need to stop, really, for everyone's sake, and do something different.

Started painting again. Slowly and cautiously. I started to think about it in the summer, and took some reference photos of some stuff I might like to paint—then a few months after that I got my easel down from dad's attic and took stock of my paint and brushes—then I dragged out one of my old canvases that never got properly used—and a couple of months ago I ordered some new paint—and applied a base layer to wipe off a painting that was haunting me with bad memories—and then applied another base layer to start building it up into something new…and, yeah, that's where I'm at. But it's a start, and it's more painting than I've done in a very, very long time, and I'm…cautiously excited.

Put some other tentative stakes in the ground for things I might want to do—job stuff, writing stuff, house stuff…all too much to do all at once, and it probably won't all happen next year, because I don't think I could handle that, but at least it feels like I'm not stagnating. Even if I need to remind myself of that, sometimes.

Jesus, I sound fragile. I am fragile, honestly, my confidence is easily knocked, and I'm anxious about a lot of stuff, and I feel like I keep having to gently lead myself along like a 90yo with a broken hip, and I've got things in the new year that I'm dreading (particularly job hunting, god help us—but I'm on a temp contract at the moment, so I don't have a choice). But…I'm getting there.

Here's to 2023.

I don't know if I fully believe in the concept of NYRs but... idk, I do have some things I've been working on for myself, and I guess it's fair enough to call them NYRs. These issues are a work in progress, and I am a process. lmao

[cut for length and so you don't have to scroll through my personal issues if you don't want to!]

My first two NYRs are ones that I've had on my list for many years. You'd think that means that I'm very bad at them, so I have to keep adding them to my to-do list. But actually, I've had a lot of success with them both, which is why I keep them both on there every year as a reminder.

1. Every time I complain about a bad thing, try to find, create, or promote a similar good thing.

This is the one I've had for the longest. Some times I'm better at this than others, but I always find myself renewing my commitment to the idea this time of year. I've struggled with depression for most of my life and I think at heart I'm probably a pessimist. It's very easy for me to get bogged down in negative things, especially when things have been so objectively shitty for everyone the past few years. In my teenage years especially, I had trouble moving at all without tripping over something that made me angry. And anger can be good! Anger can motivate you to demand better. But better things do exist in this world, and the past few years I have tried to funnel my anger into amplifying those things.

So, y'know, every time I complain about a movie I think sucked, I try to recommend a movie I think was pretty good. When I get frustrated at a narrative choice in a piece of media, I try to think about a choice that I think worked better. When I hear about some fresh new atrocity in the news, I try to find at least one good thing that's happening, too, even if that's just in response to that bad thing. (I find that finding charities to support helps me a lot there.) When I feel like there are ugly things everywhere I look, I try to make something beautiful.

I think I often get frustrated with bad things because I feel that things should be better. So the best way to assuage these feelings isn't to just get angry with the bad things. It's to find those better things -- or make them myself.

2. Consume at least one new piece of media every week.

This can be a movie, a book, a tv show, a video game, anything so long as I haven't consumed any of it before. I've tried those movie-a-week things or book-a-week and it's not a bad idea, but I tend to get a little bogged down. I think I've realized over the years that what I really need is a sense of freshness to keep me going. Otherwise I'll just watch WWDITS and play Stardew Valley 1000 times and stagnate a bit. Stagnation is a real problem for me, so I do a lot to try to combat that. I've definitely discovered that a constant stream of fresh new things helps with that, no matter the medium. I try to keep this river flowing, so to speak. And trying new things is fun!

Now onto a couple things that I'd like to work on in the coming year specifically...

3. Use my resources to make myself happy.

I'll preface both of these upcoming sections with the fact that uh. I was raised kind of weird fundie evangelical, and I have found that unlearning some of that shit takes a lifetime. When you're raised to internalize that joy is sinful if it's not in service to God (...we were neocharismatic, so dancing was okay in a charismatic situation) then it's kind of hard to do things just because you enjoy them, especially if they are "wasteful" in any way.

Like I can justify a hobby that is building me in some way, like an academic pursuit or learning a new skill. I spend... a lot of my free time trying to better myself, which is something that probably requires some self-reflection. lmao. I can also justify hobbies that benefit others, like writing someone a story or doing something for a charitable cause. I can even justify a hobby that might make money. But doing things specifically for me just because I enjoy them and they make me happy... that's harder, especially if they use up resources.

Like... I discovered in high school that I liked working with wax. We did batik in one of my art classes and I loved it. I still haven't gotten myself batik materials (I keep thinking "but what would I do with the cloth?") but I have started to dip my toes back into making wax melts. It's cliche, I know, but it's fun. I really enjoy it. I love making new smells and new appearances and getting really creative with it. It makes me feel like a mad scientist, a little bit. But... I mean, it's not a cheap hobby. And it takes up a lot of my actual physical energy -- which, as someone with a lot of chronic illnesses, really is in short supply. So I've felt oddly guilty about it, especially because I know I should be saving more diligently for my accessible bathroom. Like, obviously being able to shower safely is more important than being able to play with wax molds...? But... you have to have joy in your life, too... And that's not a sin.

(Sin is bullshit anyway! But still.)

I've been kind of offsetting the guilt I feel by giving wax melts to others and by kind of making vague-ass plans to maybe sell my excess one day, but like. I need to reframe the way I'm thinking about this endeavor. It's nice if my hobby can bring benefits to those around me (and make back the price of materials maybe) but it doesn't have to. It's enough if creating a weird little laboratory in my basement makes me happy.

The same goes for some other things, too... If I want to spend fifty dollars on materials for cross-stitch, that's okay! If I want to buy myself a ticket to a concert that I'll look forward to all month, that's okay! If I want to take the train up to NYC to see an exhibit and hang out with a friend, that's okay! There's value in joy, even if it's mine! Especially if it's mine!

I want to spend 2023 experimenting with new hobbies and new experiences and new treats for myself. I'd say I deserve them, but deserving has nothing to do with it. I don't have to deserve it, and I don't have to earn it. It's enough to simply enjoy myself, quietly and exuberantly and in service of nothing.

I had a stint in my teenage years where... honestly, my family lost everything. I couch-surfed at a family friend's house for a few years because we didn't have a place to live. I watched my parents cling to a job with a deeply, deeply abusive boss because it was the only way to keep insurance for my medical expenses -- and back then, there were a lot. Hell, I spent several years in there too scared to tell my parents about my symptoms because I knew we couldn't afford a doctor. So... I probably have some issues when it comes to saving and spending money... but the fact of the matter is that there's no point in having money if you're not willing to enjoy it a little bit, and it's not like I'm spending irresponsibly or refusing to share what I have. I save, I donate, I give gifts, I try to make the world better in at least tiny ways. It's okay if I try to make my own life better, too. ;o;

I keep telling myself that, anyway. Maybe this coming year I'll finally be able to make myself believe it. lmao. It's a worthy endeavor.

4. Allow myself both pride and joy in my work.

I'm a good writer! I'm a good editor! I make lovely things! I make people happy! Writing this paragraph is very difficult for me!

Back under point one, when I said "I try to make something beautiful", I initially thought "I make something beautiful" but then I felt bad. Like I was being arrogant or too up my own ass or inflating the quality of my work. But I didn't want to take it out, either, because I do attempt to make lovely things when I see shit. I think it's important to combat horror with joy, no matter what that means to you. So... I compromised and wrote "I try to make something beautiful", and I hope that next year I am mentally healthy enough to be able to write "I make something beautiful."

How do I put this... My parents were always supportive of my endeavors growing up, and they were never stingy with praise when I did something right. This isn't some weird situation where I'm trying to earn praise that never came. It's just that even as a child, I have never been able to internalize praise, which has had the effect of making me feel like I'm never good enough.

Feeling like you're enough is... I mean, I think it's a struggle for a lot of us. I think that's a very human emotion. But I'm coming to terms with the fact that the way I look at praise isn't exactly healthy, and I do think I've come to pinpoint where a lot of this is coming from.

While my parents were always proud of me, there's always been this idea there that praise should be private, and so should pride. You thank someone in private. You do good in private. You praise someone in private. And you never speak of the good you have done.

Like I said, I grew up fundie. I think my parents were, in some ways, rebelling against "false" Christians (a whole other discussion...) who would do good simply to put themselves on a pedestal later, or worse, who would hold it against others or manipulate them with favors. My grandmother is the QUEEN of this, so I see where my mother's feelings came from. So there was always this drive from home to be good silently and without attention, and that you should never accept praise for it.

That combined with the wider teachings of the church, which again, really emphasized humility -- especially in girls, sigh -- and made us "give it to God", so to speak. I don't do good things. God does good things through me. That sort of situation. It's why my grandmother is so upset that both my mother and I write secular fiction. Our gifts came from God and should be used in service of him -- so, as a tool for proselytization and a weapon against non-believers. :') You know the type.

(Side note: no, my mother has never, ever read any of my fiction even though she has begged. No, I would die. I only started reading hers as an adult once she became one of my clients. It's kind of weird how we both decided to write but never let the other read any of it, haha.)

Anyway, my point is that I have a very difficult time accepting praise which means I have a difficult time internalizing praise which means I have a difficult time ever feeling like I have done something worthy of praise, and I also feel like an arrogant asshole whenever I do manage to feel good about my work. This is obviously less than ideal. I've been slowly working un untangling my negative reaction to pride, especially because I don't actually think I'm bad at things. I just... think I'm a bad person when I admit that I'm good at things. It's a process. lmao

I tend to reread nice comments that people have left me when I'm feeling really down on myself. That's why I've been saving kind replies with the "praise" tag. It's partially so people can block it (I... always assume people will not want to see me accepting praise, HMM) but mostly so I can go back and find it later. I have a much easier time allowing other people to praise me than allowing myself to do it. But I also have a hard time believing it...?

I've had some success with telling myself that it's disrespectful to my readers if I don't trust what they say about my work -- like, am I accusing them of lying to me? Of having bad taste? If it's neither of those things, then the praise must be genuine. That's actually helped quite a bit. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I have talent.

But even just writing that last sentence made me wince a little bit! Damn it! It's really hard for me and I'm trying to just... force myself through it. Tell myself that my work is good and I'm not a bad person for acknowledging that. Sometimes saying my work "makes people happy" is easier for me, especially because... I mean, it's probably that in service to others thing again... but it also puts the onus of preference onto them and not me lmao.

But yes. In 2023 I am going to allow myself to linger over praise and maybe even let myself believe it. I am going to tell myself that my writing is good, and no, this is not going to be the fic that I finally fuck up and disappoint everyone. (And if I do write a fic that no one likes, that's okay, too! It's okay to experiment with what I like! It's okay to write something for me and not for others! Joy for my sake!!!) I am good at this and my writing is good and people like it and I kind of like it too and that's okay. It's not perfect, but nothing is. And there's value in it regardless.

I'd stare in the mirror and force myself to look myself in the eye while I tell myself I did a good job and I should feel happy about that but I don't keep mirrors in my house because they creep me out! I have tiny ones in my bathrooms because they came that way but they're not useful. lmao. At least not for gripping the sink at 2 am and forcing yourself into self-appreciation.

(I'm a nice person! I'm smart! I try my best! I try to be patient with people who irritate me! I write nice things! People like me, damn it! ;o;)

4b. I will be open about my charitable donations.

A corollary to 4. Like I said, we were always supposed to be good in private. I have always marked my donations as anonymous when possible. But I had a charity last year have a little pop-up when I did that, and it told me that I may think that donating privately is the honorable thing to do, but that studies show that donating publicly encourages other people to donate as well. It lets your friends and loved ones see you do it, which gives them the idea to do it. It lets strangers see the name of real people on the page, so they don't feel alone and it encourages them to donate as well. And in the case of things like abortion funds, it lessens stigma to vociferously support them.

And I hadn't thought about it that way, honestly. I still won't talk about like... actual dollar amounts... but I do plan to be more open about the charities that I support and how often I support them.

This year I donated to Immigration Equality, Philabundance, Dysautonomia International, HIAS Philadelphia, a few different local community fridge projects, RIP Medical Debt, Feeding Texas, the Native American Disability Law Center, a few local abortion funds, a gofundme to help evacuate disabled Ukrainians, the Nationalities Service Center of Philadelphia, the National Parks Service, RAICES, the Philly Zoo, World Central Kitchen, and various disaster relief charities. (As in, direct response to temporary disaster relief funds.)

If you'd like to know more about any of those organizations, I would be more than happy to give you more information so you can support them as well. They're all causes I believe in, so I want to help get the word out about them however I can, even if uh. Honestly this might be the part of this post that feels the most awkward for me to write. It really goes against everything I've been taught, but I don't want my need for privacy to outweigh their ability to fundraise. : /

5. I will be better about replying to people.

This one feels self-explanatory. :')

That said, I'm gonna go eat dinner now and... not reply to the asks that are in my inbox now.

(THIS IS HOW IT BEGINS...)

aaaanyway yeah those are the five things I'm gonna try to work on in the coming year! None of them are things that can be fixed in a year and none of them are things that will change the world but like. I want to be happier. I want to let myself be happier. I want to be a kind person, a person who is patient with others' faults, and I think I need to start including myself in that.

:')

I'm nearing a year since starting HRT, so I'll make another one of those updates on how it's going, that I made half a year ago. But this time a lot more than HRT has happened, which has, and is still occupying a big part of my mind now. Name changes, pronoun changes and all the other hurdles of social stuff were expected to be the actual hard part of the whole transition, and ho boy, were they draining, sometimes scary and overwhelming, but after all, also really exciting and satisfying.

On top of that I've changed up the meds regimen, which also is probably worth mentioning as a preface. Otherwise, I guess I'll follow the same template as I set up the first time round... for science reasons. So here we go:

Body

Skin: This one has probably been the least eventful part lately. Went into a little bit of mess once I changed from estrogen pills to patches, but it's as nice and smooth as ever. Couldn't have expected more, this is perfectly comfortable at this point.

Body shape: I can only say I have a feeling that this one is changing, but I just see myself too often to really tell the difference. My limbs seem a little slimmer, which is understandable given the loss of muscle mass. I guess there's some level of fat redistribution going on, but I'd need some photo evidence to analyse that, which I don't have (yeah, I'm not going THIS science-y here).There's non-zero number of clothes I like which actually kinda fit me, and this is some measure of progress, I guess.

Tits: So their growth stagnated at first, and then took off real fast a while after changing into patches. What's been happening to these boobs literally week by week over the past month or two is really fascinating. They're still a bit shapeless, but they're rounding up visibly, and at this point I can clearly say, that regardless of the clothes I'm wearing, the existence of my boobs is undeniable. They're tiny, but visible. And this already absolutely rocks.

Sports: well, things have happened in this field as well. I've had some two periods of a week-or-so inactivity, and these managed to push my physical shape off a cliff. I've lost a significant portion of strength and some endurance, and I'm only now about returning to my shape from before January... and strength isn't even there yet. I have to work a lot harder than I used to, only to maintain fitness, not to mention improving it. And the way my body works keeps changing, so I'm essentially re-learning my body every day and trying to adjust. It's tough, both physically and mentally, but it certainly is an adventure.

Body hair: I know that all the narrative around HRT is all about breasts and that stuff, but honestly, what these hormones did to my body hair is the absolute greatest quality of life improvement and dysphoria reduction that I could ever dream of. At this point most of my body hair is barely noticeable and softer to touch when it grows. I'm no longer a coarse chimp even when I go a few weeks without taking care of it. In fact, I could skip shaving some of it off completely and it would probably still be fine, and this awareness brings just an incredible level of comfort now.

Face: Last time I wrote that something is certainly changing that makes it more pleasant to look at, but I couldn't grasp what. And this certainly is still the case. This face mostly is just about alright now.... with one exception. The facial hair is really becoming an issue now. And there are several problems with it - for one, it grows more slowly, but it's visible even before it's possible to shave off, which is frustrating beyond belief. And the act of shaving it is at this point genuinely harming my body. It's painful and I'm routinely left with multiple bloody spots afterwards... my face skin has clearly become too sensitive to handle daily scratching with sharp metal... It's still hard to complain; I've literally taken more selfies in the past 6 months than the previous 5 years, and let that indicate how my perception of... me has changed.

Mind

General: So these past couples of months, especially since the change into patches, have been a real roller coaster. But things have stabilized recently, and I've been going at least a good few weeks now without a major burst of dysphoria, which honestly is the longest such period I can remember. Be it the body changes, mind changes, social changes... who knows, who could tell... But it is truly refreshing - it's as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders, giving me a whole new level of energy and motivation to live. That's not to say that all's great and it's smooth rolling from here. But this is the starting point which I didn't realise how badly I needed.

Emotions: Ohh boy, these have gone places. And been all over the place. There was a time where I was turned into a hot rambling pile of mess, changing mood drastically every few hours, or just balancing on the edge of a meltdown for any bullshit reason for days. And yes, the external circumstances of social transition, having to talk to humans, going through paperwork and, worst of all, WAITING, all contributed to that. But I think I'm past that point, at least for now; I still get emotionally fragile every few weeks, anxious at times, but I'm a lot more stable now. Can't say I have a good grapple on controlling all of that yet, but I'm at least learning how this works, and can work with this.

Sex drive: this comes and goes every couple of weeks as well, so that's far from the usual HRT stories of that going away completely. It's still very much manageable, and at least mentally all traces of the previous kind of drive are happily gone. Physiology still can get seriously annoying at times but there's little I can do with that until I'm able to get rid of these genitals....

Anxiety: Well, I did have some reasons for anxiety and, predictably, it came... Not quite sure why I had this point in my previous list, but yah, together with all other emotions, anxiety comes, can be stronger than it used to, and goes.... but that's life, I guess

Life's good overall. Maybe I'm saying this because of weather keeping me up for the past few days, or maybe things are really going in the right direction, but this has been my persistent perception lately, and boy does it feel good. Not everything is perfect, obviously: I know I have things to learn, and even more thing to work through - I'm an evolving mess, but still very much a mess. But over the past year, and especially over the past 6 months I feel like I have developed at least to some extent, learned a good deal about myself, and can look a fair bit more brightly into the future at this point. Now, this sounded a lot more pompous than I meant it.

Hi, I saw that your readings were open again and was wondering if I could have a Pigeon Spread reading? Since I've started more seriously/regularly practicing my craft I've felt like my guidance have been more present in my life and trying to reach out to me more but I'm having trouble with really getting any clear messages from them and I'm just curious what they're trying to tell me or who/what they are even, so any help you can give would be greatly appreciated :) thank you! -NS, Capricorn

Hi, NS! I’m excited to know that you are starting to contact your guides! I started a few months ago and at first it was exhausting, but now it’s simpler. I usually connect a lot with them through dreams or numbers. I look forward to helping you improve your relationship with them! (I’m a Capricorn too!)

1. General information about them: Knight of Cups, The Magician. 

Your guides are represented with the Magician’s card. They are people with diverse abilities, capacity for creation and manifestation. In addition, they are honest, reliable and well-intentioned people. They want to help you and they will do it from honesty. On the other hand, they want to show you a world that you have not yet been able to see. From showing you a new inner world to a new perspective of seeing things around you. Your guides have a very attractive energy. They are entities capable of attracting other energies to achieve great things. They have the ability to conquer any goal, and they will help you have or increase your ambition when it comes to achieving everything you want.

Your guides convey a lot of love, peace and serenity. They have developed their feminine part and their emotional capacity is very well balanced with their abilities to manifest what they want. Your guides also want to help you develop your emotional side a little more and know how to work with your emotions. This is one of the new worlds that your guides want to show you, and show you that coincidences don’t exist. Everything that happens in your life has a reason for being.

2. Why are they with you? Six of Swords, Three of Wands, Nine of Pentacles. 

Currently, your guides want to show you how to forgive those who have hurt you. I don’t know if you have been hurt recently or if you will feel pain in the immediate future, but your guides want to show you how to forgive those who have hurt you. They also want you to learn not to drag the past or compare current situations or relationships with those you lived in the past. The pain suffered in the past doesn’t have to occur in the present or in the future.

3. What do they want from you? Six of Pentacles. 

Success in your life is linked to generosity. This may mean that your prosperity will arise from your investment in others, perhaps a financial investment, or perhaps advice and support from a friend. This card can also mean the opposite, that your success will arise from the generosity of someone else. Both are not exclusive and this card suggests that you naturally lean towards acts of charity and charity. Therefore, your guides want you to be as generous as they are with you. They want you to be generous with them: open up, let them know your fears and insecurities, talk to them as if they were by your side… show yourself to them as you are. They will do the same and answer all the questions you ask them. They are for you, but you must also be for them. Reciprocity will be one of the keys to your relationship.

4. General message from them: The Empress, Prince of Wands, The Star. 

Pay attention and identify your selfish, dominant, controlling or possessive behaviors. When you exercise your roles in an extremist way: either you think too much about your interests and neglect those who depend on you, or you control their lives in the extreme, preventing their autonomy and self-management. The means of avoiding it is the practice of respecting the other and contacting unconditional love in you.

Love life, beauty and everything around you. Your creativity and fertility without limits are expressed in multiple ways. Believe in yourself and your endless possibilities. Relate to the world from love and understanding. Trust you and your genuine authority, which does not require manipulations or lies to prevail. Accept those who want to collaborate with you. Team up and lead with humility and affection for the common good.

Make sure what you need and yearn to achieve; acknowledge that if you haven’t done everything necessary and fair to achieve it. Looking inward and reaching greater clarity about your motivations and impulses, you will know how genuine your interest is and how true your efforts are. Don’t follow the dreams of others or do what you are supposed to do. Every crisis is an opportunity to meet oneself. They, the crises, invite us to stimulate creativity and skill, hopes, openings, sincerity, calm and inner confidence; all necessary for new beginnings, new projects for recovery and healing.

5. In what aspects of your life do they want to help you? Four of Wands, The Fool, Three of Swords. 

Your guides want to teach you that you will not always win or get things as you wish. They want to make you see that when you take a risk you don’t always get the chance, but sometimes you must lose to learn not to make the same mistakes. You have to accept your mistakes, losses and learn from them. Don’t be afraid or ashamed of being wrong or losing, but learn from it and grow both personally and spiritually. In addition, your guides want to teach you to enjoy the joyful and euphoric moments. It’s okay to enjoy the joy and get carried away by euphoria. It’s always good to make a small stop along the way and rest.

6. How can you improve your communication with them? Knight of Pentacles. 

Don’t want to be in a hurry to make progress. You don’t have to get everything in one day, but you have to do it little by little. Success (and stability) is assured if you do things with your head and in no hurry. Nor do you want to make everything perfect, since it would slow down your progress too much. Enjoy all this and learn about your guides and, especially, about you. You are doing well, NS, the methods you are using are correct.

All I want to recommend is that you try to have fun. Communication with your guides may be boring for falling into the same routine. Why don’t you vary? You can try meditation, prayer, visualization… don’t always use the same method. This way you will ensure that the routine doesn’t turn this path into something boring. Finally, don’t lose hope if you see that things don’t progress. If at any time you feel lost, try other ways to communicate with your guides. If you feel that you have been stuck, look for other methods and don’t stop trying. Just, NS, have fun.

7. What stops me from improving your communication with them? The World. 

There is stagnation and heaviness in your environment. So much that it seems that everything is absolutely stopped. However, you well know that this statism is only an appearance, because nothing really stops. The conditions aren’t given for the fruits to be given. Don’t fight.

Just observe and learn from the circumstances. You will know how to recognize the time to act when the correlation of forces changes and favorable conditions occur. You can’t fight the current. Don’t insist on doing what goes beyond your abilities and means. At this moment your only strength is knowing how to wait.

If you aren’t in tune and synchronized with life, you will not be able to see what your true needs are and then your efforts to be happy will be vain and exhausting. Identify your real goals to put your efforts in that direction when the conditions are met.

8. How do they see you? Ten of Pentacles.

Your guides see you as a provider and capable of caring for and giving security to those you love. You have in your hands the possibility of achieving success in everything you set your mind to. Stability comes into your life to stay in all aspects of your life. It’s a good time to approach and enjoy your family. Enjoy the moments with those you consider part of your family.

9. Advice: Thinking of you: Loving Thought, Lucky Find.

This card is the confirmation that someone you have been thinking about also thinks of you. It could be someone deceased, a friend, a member of your family or someone you love (even your guides). Our thoughts and feelings are energy frequencies or wavelengths that transcend space and time. We all transmit and receive information through our thoughts and feelings. We care if someone is near or far; we are in constant subconscious communication with those in whom we think and whom we love. Seeing this, you probably imagine that your thoughts travel through space and time. However, nothing really travels anywhere. This is because, energetically or spiritually, there is no separation. We are all interconnected and finally we are one, sustained eternally within an ocean of infinite love. The great cosmic ocean of life is as vast and infinite as we can imagine, and at the same time, it can be smaller than the tiniest particle.

Everything I love lives forever in my heart. I’m one with all humanity. I’m one with all creation. I’m in constant communion with everyone. Time and space are only real when I create them.

Good luck, NS!

Please consider leaving feedback to know whether or not my reading has resonated with you.

hey, I know this kinda out of the blue, but honestly I've been seeing what you're goin through the past few days and I get part of it. not all of it, but part of it. mostly the stagnation part. I went to college right outta highschool, and then failed out a year later. I kept going to school and working at community college, but honestly it felt like i was just going through the motions for a long time. eventually I made the decision to go back to school, and that's where i'm started (cont 1/?)

i started back this semester, but honestly? it still feels like i'm just... stagnating. not moving. I have physical evidence that it's not, that i'm making progress, but i'm so far behind everyone that it sure as hell feels like i'm goddam atreyu and his horse going through the swamp right now. so yeah, i mostly just wanted to say that crying helps me a lot during all this. i like to just surround myself with my textbooks and stuff and look at them a lot too, or my work clothes, (cont 2/?)or stuff and just stare at them and try to convince my heart that shit is moving, even if it's at a snail's pace, even though my head knows that and knows my heart's not gonna change. it really sucks, and it really sucks that we're in the same boat together. u take the left paddle, i'll take the right? (cont 3/3, end)---------------This ask has been sitting in my inbox for the past couple of days and I didn't want to get back into blogging until I answered it. First off; thank you. It really does help to know that I'm not the only one going through this. Like, if nothing else, I can always just tell myself that I'm not alone in these feelings. Secondly, I did what you suggested - about the whole looking at my school stuff. It helped. Not a lot, although I think that's because I only have class three days out of the week, so it's not a constant reminder like I'd like it to be.I think the only way I'd ever feel like I was actually making progress with my life (like, I know I am now, but...you know) was if I went back to being a full time student. The problem is, I could never afford that. I already work full time, overnight no less, so I would never be able to devote the time and effort needed to be a student full time.I just have to accept that me chipping away at this granite block that is my education is the best that I'm going to be able to accomplish for the time being. And like...that's not bad. Like I gotta remember that just because I'm not making leaps and bounds doesn't mean I'm not making progress at all. And yeah, there are things going on, but that's one of the bigger things that I've been struggling with. Semi-off topic, but I think I finally decided on what to major in. I think the only thing I could ever feel fulfilled in pursuing is an English degree. I know there isn't a whole lot you can do with it, but it's the only thing I've ever been interested in academically - reading, writing, all that stuff. So to tie in to everything else, I'm going to stop by my school's counseling office and see what steps I have to take to pursue that. As well as see what grants I can apply for. I'd rather not pull out loans if I can help it, but I know having a family with a military background opens a few doors for me, so I'm going to see what those are.Thank you for sending this in. It helped.

I've always tought the spn fandom was terrible with women, like the way they hate Anna Milton, Amelia Richardson. I could understand why people hated Ruby, Bela and Meg (even if I find some people overreacting) but it's funny to see how the same people love Crowley, Lucifer or Ketch. We had the same problem with Mary, I wasn't even a big fan of her but people expected her to act like a mother for her grown sons even if the last time she saw them they were very young ?!

So I actually got three separate asks kind of pertaining to the same basic subject here so I’m going to respond to all three messages here. I figure this is a bit more effective than giving three responses that are basically saying the same thing. So for reference, here’s the other two:

I can’t remember what convention it was or when it was but I definitely remember Jensen being asked a question about something -- and for the life of me, I can’t remember what the actual question was -- but Jensen gave a response that talked about the reason why there are no female characters on the main cast. He basically said that the reason that there isn’t really a female character that plays a major active role as part of TFW is that “the fandom would kill her”. Which I feel kind of sums up a lot of this fandom in a nutshell. A lot of the different factions of the fandom are constantly advocating that the female characters should be treated better in this show by the writers but at the same time, each time women do become more active players within the narrative, the fandom will complain about it and say that the show is losing track from what it originally was. So it’s like, “okay, you say you want these strong female characters but yet when you do get them, suddenly the show isn’t being true to itself anymore? What exactly is it that you do want?” The answer: A character that they or their favorite ships aren’t threatened by. And I’ll be honest here. While I enjoy seasons 1-3, I didn’t start getting obsessed with this show until season 4 started rolling around. The brother relationship is nice and all but this show really could not have sustained itself for 15 seasons on the brother relationship alone. By the time season 3 rolled around, I was getting bored with the show. The constant focus on the brothers while interesting and dynamic, it felt like that aspect of the story was losing its flame. I’m sorry, but when you have a story that’s completely about two brothers hunting monsters of the week and they spend 16 hours a day in a car working through their issues, you’re going to make far more progress in dealing with those issues and you’re quickly going to lose material to create conflict between them. And around season 3, I was starting to get the feeling that their brother relationship while still fun was just kind of stagnating, they weren’t giving me anything new to latch on to. So episodes where Bela and Ruby were around were episodes that I latched on to. And season 4 when we were introduced to this large assortment of new characters really just reinvigorated the show for me. New characters to bring in conflict was exactly what the show needed so I’m not sure why the fandom is always so against changes to the status quo. Do they want to be watching the same episode over and over again? These new characters were perfect for what the show needed to do in order to continue the brother relationship everyone loves so much.

I’m not sure if it just has to do with the majority of this fandom being comprised of females but basically every female character who could possibly be a romantic interest to any of the male characters are widely hated by a lot of the fandom. Perhaps it stems from members of the fandom projecting their own fantasies onto these male characters so any of these potential female love interests makes these members of the fandom feel threatened or they see these female characters as getting in the way of their favorite ships. But I do notice that a lot of male characters don’t receive the same level of hate which really just adds credence to my hypothesis that members of the fandom feel threatened by these female characters whether it’s them who feel personally threatened or they feel like their favorite ships are threatened because of the characters’ presence. And it’s not lost on me that Charlie is such a well-loved character not only because she’s a great example for more inclusion of LGBT characters but she also wasn’t a threat to the status quo, it was never in the realm of possibility that she would be a romantic interest for any of the members of TFW. But it’s beyond confusing that the same people screaming for more female inclusion into the story also complain about the same thing they wanted in the first place when it’s given to them. And just throwing this out here, a part of the problem is that society places such an emphasis on women needing to be these perfect creatures that the fandom is far less forgiving towards imperfect female characters despite the male characters doing far worse things than any of these females have done. For the female characters, it’s all, “how could she do such a terrible thing, that selfish bitch!” but yet when male characters make mistakes, it’s suddenly all, “look at the depth and character growth and how nuanced his character is, he’s the bestest character ever, a true role model”. And me personally, even the “evil female characters” like Anna, Ruby, Bela, or Meg I thought were all kind of fascinating and kind of undeserving of the hate they get by the fandom. In story, yes, they do a lot of bad things that you should not advocate for but should they be regarded as the show’s biggest mistakes? Should hate blogs be created specifically for them? Definitely not. Do I make excuses for the decisions any of these women make? Certainly not. Just like I don’t make any excuses for the decisions TFW makes. I go into this show looking at everything from a story perspective. Are the decisions these characters making, is their presence propelling this story in interesting and fun directions and most of the time with these female characters, yes they are. I’m more interested in what the story can do for me as opposed to what individual characters can do for me. So I like Meg, I like Bela, I like Anna, I like Lisa, I like Mary. And I think that’s the disconnect that I have sometimes with the fandom. I’m in it for the story and a lot of them are in it for what these characters can give them.

Me personally? I would love for a female character to play a more active role in TFW but the only way that could ever work is if she doesn’t threaten the status quo in the eyes of the fandom. And the biggest weakness I’ve always had with this show and particularly in season 14 when its startingly obvious is the fact that the show wants to be an ensemble-based show but yet they still don’t want to lose what the show originally was, they still want it to be about the brothers driving cross-country fighting monsters of the week. The show keeps on trying to meet in the middle and it just doesn’t work because they’re not spending enough time with these other characters to make me truly think of them as characters. Like, I really liked Mary in season 12, in fact, her and Kelly Kline in season 12 were probably my favorite parts about that season. The story surrounding Mary about her trying to figure out where she fits in a world that really doesn’t need her anymore was so interesting. And then how it delves into Mary changing from the typical role middle-age women typically have in these shows as these motherly characters and delves into her just trying to figure out who she really is was such a great move for her as a character. It gave her character depth as opposed to just being the means in which Sam and Dean came into the world. She showed that she’s more than just a mother, that she has worth that goes beyond just being a mother, particularly being a mother to people who no longer need a mother. But as we go further into season 13 and 14, it became startingly obvious that because of the show trying to do this dual format thing, Mary just lost a lot of her presence and a lot of her agency.

I’ve also heard this fan theory that supposedly Meg may have sexually assaulted Cas while he was in the asylum. And while I certainly don’t think Meg would be against such tactics in general (she is a demon, she does bad things) but I also view Meg as a pragmatist and extremely goal-oriented. Meg is on no one’s side but her own and she really only does things to further her own goals. So doing something that could break Cas any more than he already has been would seem to go against what her goals would suggest and that’s her basically using Cas as her personal bodyguard. Assaulting him wouldn’t help her in any way. And also, despite Cas “losing his marbles” as it were, his angel powers at this point in time were still relatively well intact. I find it highly unlikely he wouldn’t be able to defend himself if he felt the need to. We all know Dean is the biggest perpetrator when it comes to psychological abuse. He’s the one that withholds love and positive reinforcement after all. And often times, looking back at this show now, I can’t believe I ever felt a draw towards Destiel. I suppose it has more to do with how I joined the fandom. Despite the fact that I’ve been watching this show for the past decade, I’ve only been in the fandom for a few years. And when I first joined the fandom, I first came across a lot of good meta writing from individuals who hailed within the Destiel faction. So whereas before I joined the fandom, I never really felt any kind of pull towards any ship at all, but because I was constantly stuck in this echo chamber with a community that kept on telling me how amazing Destiel was, I just kind of fell into that trap. But eventually, as I started peeking behind the curtain, as I saw how the Destiel faction treats other factions and began to look at Destiel more objectively and away from their very narrow point of view, I saw that canon Destiel is kind of awful and that while Dean may not be an awful character objectively speaking, he is a toxic and terrible person that I wouldn’t wish anyone to have a romantic endgame with, except maybe Ketch. Ketch and Dean may have gotten hit by a cupid, I’m just saying. These days as far as Cas shipping goes, I’m all about the Megstiel and Sastiel shit. And I would love for Rachel to come back as Meg, I think that would be totally awesome. And I know she’s stated that she would love for Meg to come back and basically show that you can be this badass in a wheelchair and I would love that because Rachel is total badass and let’s have art imitate life on this one, please.

Like I said earlier, I strongly believe that Jo is a character the fandom felt threatened by. And there were times when I almost felt like she had a bit of crush on both Sam and Dean. But after season 2, she had minimal involvement in the story and she only became a player again only to be killed off. Now, I don’t know if there was such a large amount of time where Jo disappeared because the actress was doing other projects or not, but it’s not impossible to imagine that the writers kind of just pushed her to the side when they realized their audience wasn’t reacting to her positively. It probably didn’t help that she was so obviously being framed as a potential love interest, the writers weren’t being subtle at all with her. So it’s really not surprising that the fandom reacted the way they did with her. I liked Jo, I wished they had done more with her. Her and her mother’s death scene to this day still makes me cry like a baby. And it’s really not at all satisfying either. Both characters really deserved better and at the very least, have a sacrificial death scene that actually meant something in the grand scheme of things. But instead, their deaths were completely in vain and it sucks.

But anyway, I think I’ve rambled on enough about this. Sorry, it got so long. But in a nutshell, this fandom is terrible to its female characters and its not necessarily on the writers of the show. The writers have no problems writing strong female characters with active agency, it’s the fandom that’s the problem and their own personal prejudices. I mean, the writers literally brought Mary back (really unnecessarily) so they could have a chance to subvert Mary being the “woman in the refrigerator” trope. I’ve never believed the show had a problem with mistreating their female characters, while I do think the show does mistreat them, don’t get me wrong, but a lot of it stems from necessity based on how the fandom treats these characters. These characters get treated the way they do in large part because of the fandom’s own actions. It’s a beast of their own making, essentially.

I would love a reading. I've been talking to an old family friend that I've known since I was born. No matter how much time passes, he always comes back to me. We'll talk for a few days/weeks and then I usually end up disappearing on him. Is there some type of soul connection going on here? Should I give this a real shot? His initials are MC and mine are KSF. Thank you!

Hello! For a little information before the reading, I would like to share my school of thought on soul connections! I feel that we have multiple soul mates throughout life, but not all of them are romantic! Some soul connections are family members we were meant to have, close friends we have met, and even rivals that we have had difficulties with. The purpose of all of these is to learn! Anyways, on to the reading! 🌿🌿🌿

For your reading I pulled 3 tarot cards. The first is what your connection is with MC, the second is why he keeps reappearing in your life, and the third is how your connection will evolve! I also pulled an oracle card to clarify.

For what your connection is to MC, we have the 10 of Swords reversed. This is telling me that you two may keep reconnecting due to some fears of moving forward. This can be on one or both sides, but this is saying that part of the reason he keeps reappearing is because he is not moving forward in life. This card emphasizes the importance of progression, and to not be stuck on the past. If you two are meant to be in each other's lives that's grest! But if not then it's not going to help to try to fit someone in if you are heading down two different paths.

For why he keeps reappearing in your life we have The Moon. This is telling me that this will be an important time to reflect on your connection currently. Has there been any pattern in the way he has been approaching you? What does he communicate to you? The confusion over this connection will pass, but intuition plays a major part in this! By accessing your deepest feelings and emotions on what has been happening, you will be able to realize a lot. I feel that this connection is a lesson for you in life. It could be that by viewing what another person is currently going through, you can gain insight to avoid where they have ended up. Sometimes we may not be able to recognize a problem when we are directly in it, but seeing another person face it can be so much more obvious. So take time to reflect, even through dream analysis, and a lot can be realized at this time!

For how your connection will evolve, we have Temperance reversed. This makes me feel that a lack of balance will develop if you continue on the path you are on. It could be that you are an overcomprimising person, and that you keep responding back to this person to be cordial. Be in tune with how you truly feel! If you are really not seeing the importance of this person being in your life, don't be scared of moving past it. You do have the potential to make things work out if this is what you want, but make sure that this truly is what you want to do! You do not have to say yes to someone just because they asked you something. Feel confident in your opinions, and you can avoid developing an inbalanced connection with this individual.

For your oracle we have the twin angel, Sandalphon - Angel of New Life. This is telling me that it is time for movement to made past this connection. The way that it exists currently is causing some stagnation on both sides, but I feel the universe is telling you to prepare for a new beginning! I feel that very soon it'll be time to prepare on moving forward in life, and time to start moving down your desired path. You do not have to keep returning back to each other if you two are really heading separate ways. Allow yourself to move on, and you can bring new love and new starts to your life!

I hope that this all helps! I feel like now will be a very influential time for where you want to go in life. Know that the universe supports you, so keep moving forward! Best wishes! 🌠🌠