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cynicalrainbows · 4 years

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I was reading one of your old relationship hcs, and I was wondering- Would you be able/willing/interested in writing the conversation between Catalina and Cathy when Aragon learns that her goddaughter was almost beheaded and stuff? If not, that's cool, I just love that idea.

Feedback, comments and reviews are always so very welcome!

‘Cathy, mija-’ Catalina knocked on the bedroom door. ‘Can I come in?’

For a moment, there wasn’t any response and Catalina wondered if she’d got it wrong- if Cathy had actually gone out after all, if perhaps everything was all in her head, if maybe there really wasn’t anything wrong and the lightening-fast look of panic she’d noticed on her goddaughters face just before she absented herself from the room (and the conversation) was just in her imagination, a strange trick of the light.

‘Cathy?’

She was sure that it wasn’t though. Her first life may have given her rather extraordinarily impressive skills in deliberately not seeing anything that might cause conflict later, but she didn’t make things up.

Just as she was on the cusp of deciding that perhaps Cathy must have ended up joining Anna and Kitty on their walk (‘Shall we go by the icecream parlour or by the park to pet the dogs?’ ‘How about we go the long way, get ice cream first and then to pet the dogs?’ ‘Kitty, you genius!’), the door opened a crack, just enough to reveal the cuff of a blue hoodie (suspiciously like one that Anne had spent most of the previous week searching for, come to think of it) and a pair of dark eyes.

‘Yes?’

Catalina waited a second for Cathy to open the door properly and let her in but surprisingly, she didn’t, just stood still with her face half hidden by the doorframe.

‘Can I come in?’

‘Why?’

‘I just wanted to talk, if that’s alright with you. Just quickly, it won’t take long.’

(At least, she hoped it wouldn’t take long, although she felt that the chances of Cathy reassuring her that all was completely fine in a way that she could believe were receding more rapidly with every second more that she was kept hovering the hallway.)

‘I didn’t think you wanted to talk anymore.’

There was just an edge of petulance in the words that would have made Catalina smile if it wasn’t so obvious that her goddaughter was upset.

The history books remember Lady Parr for her erudition but they fail to mention her ability to sulk.

‘I’m sorry querida.’ Now for the trickier bit of the conversation. ‘That was actually what I wanted to talk to you about.’

There was a pause- Cathy didn’t welcome her in but she didn’t slam the door either, and Catalina decided that was a good enough invitation to continue as any.

‘Can I come in?’

Silently, Cathy pulled herself away from leaning on the doorframe and returned to her place at her desk, allowing Catalina to follow.

‘Thank you.’

She sat down on the edge of the bed.

‘I wanted to let you know that I’m sorry I snapped like that mija. It wasn’t fair to you. I should have just told you I wasn’t feeling-’ She stopped, she didn’t want to get too sidetracked with excuses. ‘I should have said something earlier.’

‘That’s ok.’ Cathy, faux casual, half turned back to her laptop as if to go on with her work (or whatever it was she was doing- Catalina had a strong suspicion she had foregone her article for the 30K Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction she was in the middle of) . ‘I should have realised-’

‘There was no way for you to-’

‘It’s fine’ Cathy spun round her chair to face her godmother with sudden and unexpected swiftness. ‘You don’t need to say sorry, I just-’ She took a breath. ‘I know I’m a lot and I know it’s annoying and I- I should have realised I was irritating you and stopped earlier, ok? I’ll try not to do it again.’

Catalina felt momentarily wrong-footed at the turn things had taken.

Why is she apologising to me?

‘Mija, you’re not annoying-’

Cathy smiled bitterly.

‘You don’t have to say that, it’s ok-’

‘No!’ Catalina leaned forward, trying to catch her goddaughters eye. ‘Really mija- I’m worried that you think that that’s what I was implying, when it really wasn’t-’

There was a silence. After a moment, she realised that Cathy had tears in her eyes.

‘Oh mija-’

She tried to draw her into her arms but Cathy shrunk away from her.

‘I’m fine, I’m-’

‘Querida, you’re obviously not-’

She passed over a handful of tissues and waited silently while Cathy dried her eyes.

‘Sorry, sorry, I just-’

‘Mija, there’s no need to keep apologising.’

‘But there is, there’s-’ Cathy took a deep breath. ‘I- I just-’

‘Take your time mija. There’s no rush.’ Catalina kept her voice as gentle as a kiss, with no small amount of effort. ‘Take as long as you need.’

Don’t fall over yourself with empty reassurances, let her actually explain what the matter is first.

‘It’s hard to explain….’ Cathy pressed a hand to her forehead. ‘I know you’re probably not angry with me- cognitively, I know that. Just...I can’t help but feel-’

‘Of course I’m not angry with you- Ah’ Catalina had a sudden flash of inspiration. ‘Is this because of something else? Something that’s happened to you before, maybe?’

Cathy gave a tiny, reluctant nod.

‘Someone else….got angry with you for talking to them? Or-’

Who do I need to have stern words with?

‘Yes.’ Cathy opened her mouth- and then closed it. ‘I….I’d explain but I- I don’t think I can. It’s not something I can talk about.’

‘That’s alright mija, take your time.’

‘No, I mean.’ Cathy shook her head slowly. ‘Not just that it’s hard- I can’t.’

She sounded sincere and Catalina’s heart sank.

How can I help if she can’t talk to me about it? And worse- what is so bad that she knows, right from the off, that she won’t be able to put it into words?

‘You- can read about it though. If you like.’ Sliding from her chair, Cathy went to her bookcase, selected a book from the bottom shelf and flicked through the pages, before settling on a chapter and handing it to her godmother. ‘Here.’

‘Thank you.’ Catalina tried to hide the sense of dread that was working its way up from the pit of her stomach- if this was something that had actually been immortalised by a historian, she could bet it was unlikely that Cathy’s insecurity stemmed from some light teasing or a couple of thoughtless remarks.

‘I’ll read it and you don’t have to answer any questions about it afterwards unless you’d like to but-’ She settled herself against the head of the bed and stretched out an arm. ‘Will you come and sit with me while I read it? You feel very far away over there and I’d like to be able to hold you-’

For a moment, Cathy didn’t move. Then she slowly joined her godmother on the bed. After a hesitation, she curled up against her side, resting her head against Catalina’s shoulder. Catalina wrapped an arm around her and turned to the book.

‘Henry was annoyed by Catherine….commented himself to Gardiner ‘a good hearing it is when women become clerks’...easily obtained Henry’s consent for her arrest…. Henry continued to dissemble with Catherine, allowing her to debate religion with him as she did before….’

Catalina puts down the book with shaking hands.

How had she not known about this before?

She read it again: ‘....intended to arrest Catherine and take her to the Tower’.

Her arm unconsciously tightened around Cathy, pulling her closer.

‘The shock sent her nearly out of her wits…. Recognised it for the trap it was…’

Eventually, she put it down.

‘Oh mija-’

‘Do you see? Cathy’s voice was faint and muffled against Catherine’s shirt.

‘I do.’ The force of what she’d just read hit her and she pulled Cathy fiercely against her chest. ‘Oh mi vida- you must have been so afraid-’

No response but a tiny, stifled sob.

She wanted to say more- to rage against a man long dead, to rage against his selfish cruel games, and against the system that allowed them to be put in place- but she held herself in check. This wasn’t what Cathy needed right now, she knew. Instead, she put up a hand to stroke her hair gently, soothingly.

‘I’m sorry mija, I had no idea.’

‘It’s not your fault.’ Cathy’s peeped up at her, her reddened eyes full of self reproach. ‘I just don’t like to talk about it…..but it’s not your fault. Just...I know it’s ridiculous but thinking that someone- anyone- is annoyed with me. Not with me, I can bear people being annoyed at me, but thinking that everything is ok and then that it isn’t…’ Her words turned into a frantic rush. ‘It makes me, it makes me doubt, it makes me wonder what else I’ve been getting wrong, if secretly they’re just getting more and more annoyed with me and I have no idea and no way to try and fix things until it’s too late…So when I thought we were just talking and then you suddenly stopped and looked annoyed- and I hadn’t been expecting it so-’

She broke off.

Catalina nodded regretfully. ‘And there I was thinking I was doing the right thing by not mentioning that I had a headache until it got too bad-’

Cathy pulled back even more and looked surprised. ‘You had a headache?’

‘Yes, I told you- Oh.’ Catalina could have kicked herself. ‘No, I didn't, did I? I meant to- and then Anna asked if we wanted to come with her and Kitty, she interrupted me-’

‘And then I left-’ Cathy finished.

Look Cathy can we just leave it now please? I’m tired and I really need to go get some aspirin-

Look Cathy can we just leave it now please? I’m tired. Full stop. And her tone had been a lot sharper than she’d intended.

No wonder Cathy had taken it badly.

‘It just...stirred up some bad memories.’ Cathy turned her head away, and brushed at her eyes again, looking slightly embarrassed. ‘I genuinely thought you were enjoying the debate up until then and….then it made me wonder how I'd managed to miss that you were getting annoyed, I suddenly wondered how many other times you’d been annoyed and I’d missed it-’

‘Oh mija-’ Catalina felt guilt roil in the bottom of her stomach. ‘I’m sorry- I honestly was enjoying it….so much that I didn’t want to leave until the pain got worse and then I couldn’t… I know how it must have looked to you though.’

Cathy nodded. ‘I know it’s stupid though- i just need to get over it, get it into my head that things aren’t the same now…. It’s just hard-’

‘What do you need?’

Cathy shrugged. ‘For my mind to be less stupid and jumping-to-conclusions, I suppose-’

‘No!’ Catalina looked as shocked as she felt. ‘That’s not what I meant at all- I meant, what do you need from me? What would make it easier for you?’

‘You don’t have to do anything, Catty, it’s my issue-’

Catalina just looked at her. ‘I’m waiting Cathy. If you’re not sure, that’s completely fine but if there is anything, you need to tell me.’

Cathy still looked reluctant. ‘But you shouldn’t have to-’

‘Look, if it helps, think of it as something you’re doing for ME.’ Catalina looked at her steadily. ‘Think about how you’d feel if you were accidentally upsetting Anne and she didn’t want to tell you how you could help- imagine how guilty you’d feel…’ Cathy seemed to waver. ‘If it helps, I promise not to do it if I don’t feel like it-’

A reluctant smile played on Cathy’s lips before she nodded and it faded. ‘Alright. Ok. Just maybe…’ Catalina nodded encouragingly.

‘If you ever…’ Cathy bit her lip. ‘If you do want to stop a conversation….if I am annoying- and don’t say I’m not, we all are sometimes, just….let me know earlier, ok? That’s all I need, just...to know that we’re on the same page, that I’m not unwittingly ruining things….’

‘You could never ruin things mija’ Catalina pressed a kiss to the top of Cathy’s head. ‘You could never ruin things, not with any of us. You’re not getting rid of us that easily. But-’ She added as Cathy opened her mouth. ‘I do understand and I’ll make sure to be more open with you in future. Ok?’

‘Thank you.’ Cathy lent further into Catalina’s touch and closed her eyes.’ Thank you for...not being weird about this. And for not being upset that I didn’t tell you.’

‘Of course mija. Thank you for being honest, I know it wasn’t easy.’

Cath didn’t reply, playing with the cuff of Catalina’s cardigan and tugging at a loose thread.

‘Don’t do that mija, you’ll ravell it.’

‘Sorry.’

Catalina felt like Cathy was on the cusp of saying something and she knew from experience that the worst thing she could do and the best way to make Cathy clam up would be to start asking questions.

So she waited, and let the slightly awkward silence do her work for her.

Eventually Cathy looked up at her. ‘I nearly didn't, you know.’

‘Didn’t what, mija?’

‘I nearly didn’t tell you.’

‘Oh.’ Catalina kept her tone very neutral.

There was another pause.

‘I don’t like to- to think about it, even. Or to have people know.’

‘I can understand that mija.’

There was a long pause.

‘I’m - so ashamed.’

‘Well, I know we all struggle with shame for things that aren’t in any way our fault-’

‘No’ Cathy interrupted her. ‘Not….that.’

‘Ah.’

‘When i married him….’ Cathy took a deep breath. ‘I wasn’t happy about it.’

Catalina nodded.

‘I wasn’t happy, I would have taken any excuse to get out of it, if I'd been able to find one that might not backfire on me or my family later. And I was scared, but-’ Cathy bit her lip. ‘I wasn’t...I wasn’t terrified.’

‘Ok.’

‘I thought-’ Cathy covered her face with her hands and kept talking through her fingers. ‘I thought I could handle him. I thought if I was just….clever and careful, I could get through it.’

‘Alright.’ Catalina was still slightly confused at her goddaughter's agonies of self reproach and Cathy quickly picked up on it.

‘Don’t you see?’ Cathy turned anguished eyes to her, as if relaying something terrible and shameful. ‘I thought I could manage him where you all failed, I thought I could survive when you didn't-’

She flinched, like she was bracing herself for Catalina’s reaction, and Catalina deliberately spoke more slowly, hoping that she could convey reassurance just through tone.

‘And you did, querida. And I’m so glad.’

‘But-’ Cathy was obviously struggling with expressing herself, which was unusual. ‘I- I thought I could manage him! I looked at him- this man who had done everything that he had done…. Kitty was barely cold, they were still unpicking the stitching from the curtains of the barge….I looked at him and I thought...I thought I could be clever, I congratulated myself on being clever! I thought-’

Cathy was properly crying now, Catalina could tell from the waver in her voice.

‘I thought- well, he won’t live long enough for me to get too old for him, like, like with you… and he knew who I was, so Anna's problem obviously didn’t apply, there was no way he could claim I looked different. And I wasn’t going to have any babies with him- God knows everyone was aware it wasn’t going to happen by then, even if we couldnt acknowledge it. And- and-’ Cathy broke off, with a gasp. ‘And I thought- I- I could be careful and clever, to make sure I didn’t get too close to anyone, so there was no way, no way at all he could be jealous, to make sure he and everyone else could see that all my attention, all of it, was on him-’

Catalina didn’t interrupt but she pulled Cathy gently back into the circle of her arms and started to rub her back as she cried. After a moment, Cathy caught her breath, her face still streaked with tears.

‘But I was wrong, I was- I was so stupid, so thoughtless. I was so sure that I’d thought of everything, I was so sure that I knew how to manage him and get around him that I stopped being careful- I even thought, I even thought it was easy. I actually thought that- that it wasn’t really too hard and- well, I knew partly what made it so easy for me was that I had you all to learn from but still-’ Cathy wrung her hands desperately. ‘I thought I was cleverer, I thought I'd found the way to, to please myself and keep him sweet. And all the time-’

‘And all the time, he was saving up his evidence against you,’ Catalina finished. Gently, she brought Cathy's twisting hands to her lips and kissed them. ‘Mi pobrecita.’

Cathy accepted the caress but still eyed her warily, as if waiting for something. When Catalina continued stroking her hair and murmuring sympathetically, she pulled away.

‘Is that it?’

‘What, mi vida?’

‘Aren’t you-’ She appeared to almost brace herself. ‘Aren’t you angry with me?’

Catalain considered asking what for but decided that would be only drawing the whole thing out. Really, she wanted it settled so Cathy could stop torturing herself.

‘No. Not at all, mija. Not with you. Never with you.’

‘But I-’

Catalina cut her off, something she only allowed herself to do in dire circumstances.

‘Mija. you did what you had to do to survive. You were forced into a situation that was extremely volatile and you coped as best you could.’

‘But- no…’ Cathy still looked troubled. ‘I don’t think it’s wrong that I survived but….I shouldn’t have thought I could have done better, I shouldn't have been so arrogant-’

‘Were you arrogant?’ Catalina asked gently. ‘Or were you searching for any sense of agency you could, to stop the entire ordeal being unbearably terrifying?’

Cathy did not respond.

‘Do you still think that the rest of us had it easy, that we could have done better?’

‘Of course not-!’ Cathy’s eyes were wide and shocked at the idea and Catalina smiled.

‘Then there is no problem, querida.’

‘But-’

‘Honestly mija, and I speak for the others here too- if thinking you could do better than us gave you the mental strength needed to survive at the time, then I am so, so glad that you did. So pleased. Anything that helped spare you an ounce of pain was worth it, if you ask me.’

Cathy still didn’t look entirely convinced, although she nodded slowly.

‘What is it?’ Catalina prodded, and Cathy looked surprised. ‘You’re still thinking querida….what’s going on in that head if yours, hm?’

Cathy squirmed slightly under her gaze. ‘Nothing.’

Catalina didn’t believe her for a minute.

‘No. There’s still something troubling you, I can tell.’

‘I’m fine-’

‘Cathy-’

‘Just stop!’ Cathy burst out at last. ‘You’re being so- so nice to me but why? I deserved it, I deserved all of it….!’

Catalina was stunned. ‘Cathy you don’t actually think that do you?’

‘Of course I do!’ Cathy looked at Catalina as if she were mad. ‘Of course I deserved it- it was, it was, I don’t know, fate or something, karma, whatever it’s called- it was what I deserved, to show me I wasn’t any cleverer, to show me how arrogant I was being. I should have noticed, I should have picked up on it- what sort of person doesn't realise their husband is signing their death warrant?’

‘Well, Anne-’

‘Anne knew things were turning against her!’ Cathy interrupted angrily. ‘It wasn't her fault she couldn't stop it, with half of the court plotting against her. And Kitty- there was nothing she could do about it either, she was used and abused and she never had a chance, even without Culpepper, she’d have been ruined if Dereham had come to light! But me-’ Cathy gave a bitter smile. ‘That was all me. Not things I did or people I know….just talking, just all the things I said, being so difficult and frustrating that he wanted to kill me just to silence me….that was all me…’

‘So you see it as being something that you're to blame for-’ Catalina spoke slowly, working it out in her mind. ‘And you don't see yourself as deserving sympathy for it….because it was your fault-?’

Cathy nodded tearfully.

‘And then- if you had died, you wouldn't have been deserving of any sympathy for that either. ..?’

From the look of sudden panic in Cathy’s eyes, Catalina was sure she had it right. ‘You feel like you would have deserved it- and maybe that other people would have thought you deserved it too-?’

‘What sort of person is so awful at conversation- so annoying and argumentative that she incites her husband to want her dead?’ Cathy choked out.

The sincere despair in her face made Catalina's heart squeeze and she quickly bundled Cathy back into her arms, holding her tightly as if she could protect her from the 500 year old hurt.

‘Oh mi vida…. Pobrecita-’ She started to rock back and forth very slowly as Cathy gave up her struggle and sobbed into her shoulder. ‘How can someone as clever as you be so very foolish hm?’

‘But-’

‘No, querida-’ She smoothed Cathy's hair down, and kept on rocking. ‘Now you listen to me ok? It was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done. No-’ She saw Cathy opening her mouth to disagree. ‘If he hadn’t argued with you over religion, he would have decided you were too dull for him. Or he would have looked at your past- perhaps decided that you must have secretly had too much sympathy for the pilgrimage and punished you like that. Or he would have blamed you for there not being a baby. Or he would have found something else- honestly mija-’

She pulled back so she could look her goddaughter full in the eye. ‘Once he decided to get rid of you, there was nothing you could have done to change it. You were very lucky- and yes, clever too, that you caught him at a good moment and he changed his mind but….trust me, mi vida, if he had wanted you dead, you would have been dead and that would have been entirely on him. Nothing, not a scrap of blame would have been attached to you, and you would have deserved all the sympathy in the world. You do- you still do. You had a dreadful time, you survived and all of us are so proud of you.’

Catalina finished her speech with another kiss to Cathy’s forehead.

Cathy drew a deep shuddery breath and the very tiniest jerk of the head. It might have been a nod, although Catalina knew that there was every chance she had just run out of energy to argue and was acquising purely out of emotional exhaustion.

‘I’m going to remind you of this querida, every day if I need to, until you start to believe it. And you know how stubborn I can be.’

Cathy just nodded weakly at the threat, clearly too wrung out to be amused. Catalnia hummed in sympathy and continued her soothing ministrations, even though Cathy's hair sprung back into place no matter how much she stroked it.

After a minute, she adjusted them both into a more comfortable position and tightened her hold.

‘We’ll stay like this until you are ready to move, mija. And then I'm going to make us both a cup of tea.’

‘Why?’ Cathy’s voice was a tiny bit croaky and Catalina made a mental note to put some honey in her goddaughters cup.

‘Because tea is very soothing and you should drink something that isn’t coffee once in a while. And you’re going to sleep in here tonight too, where I can keep an eye on you.’

‘Im ok really, Catty-’ Cathy scrubbed her eyes tiredly but made no move to extricate herself from her godmother’s arms. ‘You don’t need to.’

‘Then you can count it as a favour to me’ Catalina countered unbendingly. ‘It’d be nice to have some company and you have very warm feet.’ She softened. ‘Please mija. Let me take care of you.’

‘Alright.’ Cathy nodded resignedly after a long moment but she didn’t seem unhappy about it.

‘Thank you.’

They sat in silence for a while, neither really wanting to get up but also wanting a way to change the subject to something a little lighter. They'd come back to the issue at hand at a later date, Catalina knew- if she could, she’d try and get Cathy to talk to the others as well, so that they could reassure her in their own ways.

Having all of them on the same page would be good- she made a mental note to find a way to explain what Cathy needed to the others in terms of honesty and openness, without making it feel too obvious, too patronising.

For now though….she just wanted to find something that could take about that wouldn’t upset Cathy any further.

Eventually, her gaze fell on the book laying face-down on Cathy’s bedside rug.

‘What are you reading now mija?’ It was a safe topic, and she hoped it would help Cathy to put her mind to talking about something she was enthusiastic about.

Wordlessly, Cathy passed the book to her and Catalina glanced at the back cover.

‘It looks interesting- are you very far through?’

Cathy shook her head, without even the energy to try and hold forth on her usual favourite topic of conversation. She suddenly looked very, very small and very very weary- even though Catalina had her tucked into her arms already, she still felt the impulse to scoop her up and carry her somewhere safe.

Somewhere no one can hurt her, somewhere she can rest.

Catalina decided to try something else. She flicked through the book until she found the folded down page.

‘Is that where you’ve got to mija?’

There was another faint nod.

Catalina began to read. ‘Maycomb was an old town but it was a tired old town when I first knew it-’

Cathy sat up a bit. ‘You don’t have to-’

Catalina pressed a kiss to her forehead and gently pressed her back into place.

‘Shhhh mija. Just relax.….In rainy weather, the streets turned to red slop, grass grew on the sidewalk, the courthouse sagged in the square-’

Slowly, she feels Cathy relax against her and go heavy in her arms, sinking into her. Her eyes drifted shut.

And Catalina kept reading.

Everything was going to be ok.

#six #six the musical #six the musical fanfiction #six fanfiction #sixfic

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