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voidcat · 3 years

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Intrusion

– 2: smiles & chatter (wc: 2.6k)

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a/n: i just copy pasted from ao3 so all italic and bold texts are most likely gone, sorry

The impromptu concert and the walk you had afterwards do not conclude your interaction with Iwaizumi, much to your dismay. You were hoping the next day the lot of you would go back to your respective old routines of not knowing each other but alas, it seems he wasn’t just being polite when he said he wanted to be friends.

Here starts a brand new day: You enter the classroom and walk straight to your desk, not sparing anyone a look. Taking out whatever you need from your bag and placing them on your desk in your preferred order, you're startled by a harsh “good morning” you were never greeted with. Hell, have I ever been greeted by any of the classmates upon arrival like that? Already knowing the answer to that, you don’t bother turning towards the source of the voice to confirm it's him. Letting out a faint breath, you place your needed notebooks at last, make a move to the door, say a couple of greetings to few fellow classmates as you leave and seek out your friends for your morning routine.

By the time you come back, barely a minute before your teacher arrives, you take your seat, pleased to see he doesn’t attempt to start another one-sided conversation.

But it seems universe wants to prove you wrong, because every following morning he’s there before you arrive, sparing a good morning to your direction or asking how you are. You try to turn a blind eye, act sleepless or ignore him at first. Because, really, when did you ask for new friends, since when did you ask him for his friendship. As rude and stupid as this sounds, you're stubborn when pushed. Yet nothing lasts forever and you slowly fall into a rhythm before you can even notice.

On the rare occasion, you nod to show him you’ve heard him, baby steps. Day by day, this turns into a "Morning." back from you. Some days, you see his lips curl to your reply, giving your face a faint smile as well.

Yet you can’t shake the feeling of being watched during class. He examines you, you can tell that much. Perks of sitting one row behind yours, you suppose. You're not even bothered by this, you'd do the same if given the chance.

There’s one seat between you and the window and that happens to be the one he sits behind, has a nice view of the classroom and the outside. You find the seats by the window distracting as you find him.

Every morning goes the same, you drop your bag and take out your school materials, leave the class to meet with your friends, always making sure the morning gathering does not take place at your classroom, hurry back to class, hear Iwaizumi greet you and you greet him in return. Classes come and go, some little breaks too. Lunch break starts and here’s you grabbing your lunch as fast as you can, to meet with your friends in one of your usual spots, not allowing the boy to say anything else.

Alas everything has an end, what begins with you greeting him in the mornings splashes into lunch breaks. "Enjoy your lunch." It's almost a whisper but it's there. He just raises his hand in a thanking manner, a smile decorating his face as the sun beams on his face.

Iwaizumi Hajime intruded into your solitary moment of music and has not left since. In fact, his intrusion is not limited with your music, that you do not realize until it's too late.

Just like you don’t realize yourself getting used to his presence.

He enters your thoughts more often than you gave him credit for. You catch yourself mindlessly doodling him in class a few times, trying your best not to rip the page off your notebook. However upon seeing the way you drew his hair, you fall back into a pit of thoughts focusing on him again. It is a boring class; that should be the only explanation of you thinking about his hair of all things, instead of listening to your teacher. Is it natural, or does he style it in the mornings with some awfully smelling hair gel? You never spot a stinging scent though so it must be the former. Some days, the sun hits just right and makes it seem softer, making you want to ruffle his hair a little.

What Iwaizumi Hajime first notices about you is your calm demeanor. You don’t speak much in class, always avoid raising your hand, you don’t even speak to your classmates until you settle down your belongings. You hold short conversations with them, it’s obvious all your friends are from other classes. Unless there’s a class happening, it’s difficult to find you in the classroom.

He often hears you making little snarky comments during class as quiet as you can, usually to mock something said by a student or a teacher or just to criticize the topic.

At first glance you’ll seem the type to take notes during class but observation shows they’re silly doodles most of the time. Some days you’ll move your head, shake your legs or tap your fingers slightly to a melody playing in your head. The movements are vague but perks of sitting close to one another makes him notice you.

And for some reason, you like to cross the dress code. Half the time you show up with eyeliner on, somehow making it look to natural on you, he has no idea how though; you wear the pants that are normally a part of the boy’s uniform and magically make them seem trendy, compared to the boring look he has.

What else doesn't seem to escape his atteniton is how you’ve grown so eager to leave the classroom ever since he interrupted you that day. You always rush out as fast as you can as if there's a fire on your desk. You avoid conversing if it's not in the morning.

Steadily but surely, your hard stance begins to melt off. There's an increase within your replies, you no longer avoid eye contact nor are twitchy to leave his presence when you're talking.

He wanders to the music room few times after his practice, in the hopes of finding you. Yet he ends up empty handed.

His best friend whines about him making him wait by the gates, even though Iwaizumi had told him not to wait for him.

As days pass and Iwaizumi’s efforts never die out, you start to get back into the classroom a few minutes earlier, (im)patiently waiting for him to say something. Just so you can say something back, anything. Your pride doesn’t allow you to be the one to initiate the conversation and he must've realized that too because he begins to say random stuff to no one in particular, hums to some of your silent commentaries during class (to say you were embarrassed when you realized he had been hearing them all along, would be a huge understatement.)

A month since the piano incident has passed.

As soon as the last class of the day ends, he stands by your desk.

“Do you ever go out?” You would laugh at the serious look on his face, if it wasn’t for the question. He looks more like someone forced to make small talk with their nemesis than a high school student asking the other a very usual question.

“What do you mean? I did walk with you after school once, didn’t I?” You say raising your eyebrows, a little smile decorating your face.

He scoffs at you taking his question in a literal sense.

“I meant as in going out in your spare time with people, you know, like hanging out.” His face softens a bit as he talks, maybe it’s the lighting feinting you.

You slowly realize where this conversation is going yet you’re not sure if you want to avoid it or not.

“Well I am a human being craving human contact once in a while, of course I go out with people, hang out with friends and spend time with them.” You reply, attempting to sound… what? Playful? Cynical? Honestly, you have no idea at this point.

“Then, would you like to meet up this weekend if you’re available?”

“Why.” It’s not a question leaving your lips, but a harsh statement.

He detects the slight change of tone your voice.

“I don’t know, to spend time? I think I’ve made that clear already. Look,-“ You hear a little huff coming out of his mouth.

“-We can go to a place of your choosing at a time you can decide. If you don’t want to, it’s fine. But if you do, I have morning practices on weekends, so I have the rest of the day free. And honestly? You don’t strike me as the type to wake up before 11am on the weekends.” A playful tint flickers in his eyes.

You cross your brows and pout a little at his last sentence. You meet his gaze, and there it is. The light entering the classroom just had to hit him so nicely and compliment his face as if he's a statue in the Piazza della Signoria. He looks somewhat amused with a smile, you don’t think you’ve ever seen him so relaxed before. It’s refreshing.

Upon realizing what just crossed your mind, your pout starts to morph into a scowl. At last you let out a frustrated breath. “Okay fine, sure. I’ve got to ask to make sure we don’t have any last minute family plans but yes, I’d like to meet up this weekend.”

You don’t notice the way you copy his smile and breezy air as you answer. It’s just the two of you in the classroom, smiling at one another in a complete silence.

“So, where to today? Any plans of spending time in the music room or...?” His words trail off.

“Nothing else to do here, I’ll just leave now.”

“Would you like me to walk you to the gates?”

Another thing you notice about Iwaizumi Hajime is that he never gives up. And frankly, you don’t want him to.

“Yes, I’d like that.” You give him a small smile. “Who knows what dangers I may encounter on my way out without a mighty knight to accompany me?” You elbow him by the arm as you speak. You two grab your bags and leave the sunlit classroom behind. The light seems to die out as you two walk away.

Wind blows past your friend’s hair and hits you in the face, causing you to jolt awake, breaking out of your trance. Your friend gives you a side glance as the others keep talking, their words fell deaf to your ears.

“Hey. Where was that café you, Ayame and Koto went to recently?”

Okemia, the friend you just interrupted, gives you a look. “It’s right around the corner of Koto’s favorite coffee shop. Why would you ask?”

You just shrug. “I was planning on going there this weekend and I haven’t forgotten the way you guys talked about the desserts they had.” Her eyes beam at the mention of the desserts. She claps her hands in excitement. “You should DEFINITELY ask them the cake of the day! They bake fresh cakes every day and serve slices. Even the cream and fillings were all handmade!”

“Their macaroons are nice to have with coffee too.” Koto adds as Okemia opens her phone gallery to show you photos of the said baked goods. She stops mid air.

"Wait, I thought you preferred calmer, hidden places to go by yourself." A gasp follows. "Are you going with someone that is not us?" She has her empty hand over your head now, making a dramatic pose, looking like a kid at a silly school play rehersal. All you can do is roll your eyes. "I'll meet with someone from my class, I am not leaving you guys, don't worry."

"Oh the betrayal! How quickly you've replaced us right after that traitor." Everyone in the circle starts to laugh at this point.

"You are mistaken. Is' betrayal goes far back before the class rearrangement." Etsuko joins in on the conversation. Eyes closed, heads nodding, with your faces as if you're all humming in sync.

"On my defense; my shitty twin was a traitor long ago and you guys were sent into classes in pairs. I've got no one." Your voice tones down as you say the last sentence. Feeling something warm around your shoulders you look up to see Koto wrapping an arm around you and resting her head. You lean to her direction in response, feeling better now. You have never missed your former deskmate this much up until now.

"Anyway! Cakes!" Okemia speaks loudly and so you all fall back into a calming chatter of giggles and which baked goods are better.

First thing you do upon entering the classroom is to approach Iwaizumi. “Okay so I have a café in mind that we can go to. It’s in the main square so we can just meet there.” Your words met with a nod.

“What time should we meet?” Curling your lips at that, you divert your gaze to the trees outside. The leaves barely move, standing oh so still on the light blue canvas.

“Maybe we can exchange numbers. I can text you when I leave practice and even if you haven’t woken up by then, you’ll definitely wake up at that.” He has this little smile on his face again, painted by the sun, shining so brightly.

“Yeah, that should provide enough time for me. I-“ Pausing abruptly you reach out your hand to him, met with another one of his confused expressions, you just roll your eyes again.

“Give me your phone, I’ll add my contact info. No need to get suspicious.” Cracking a smile at your last word, you save your name under your full name and hand the device back to him. “You can just text me that day, I will know it’s you.” Hearing the door close, the both of you see your teacher and before he can say anything, you go back to your desk.

Another day comes to an end, he asks again to escort you to the gates, at which you playfully refuse this time. Walking to the choir rehersal you think about the last few weeks you've had.

Iwaizumi Hajime intruded into your life one day on a coincidence, saw you at a vulnerable moment of solitude and hasn’t left still.

He has started to linger around more and more, enter your thoughts more and more and you cannot find it in yourself to get mad at this. The feeling is unusual, new and equally scary, yet the excitement it gives makes you ache for more.

You want to thank him, really. You haven’t given much thought to it at first but ever since that day, it seems your hands have been warm. Your playing has improved in your eyes, you can feel yourself becoming a vessel for the pieces you play. Feeling the melody flow through your body, hearing all the hidden stories in them, watching all the ballroom dances made to them.

It’s hard to turn a blind eye to the idea starting to slowly form in your hand. It cannot be a coincidence. it’s as if, ever since Iwaizumi entered your life, the coldness of your hands has left your body, leaving you with a caressing warmth in its absence.

You make a mental note to thank him for that one day as you walk.

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cosmosogler · 7 years

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hmmm. my day didn’t start when my alarm went off. it started last night when i tried to go to bed.

about two hours into my sleeping period (maybe? i don’t have a clock where i can see it from the bed. it was a very long time.) i was laying there and i said to myself, “it seems i am still awake.” i wasn’t... experiencing any normal symptoms of anxiety? i wasn’t doing the racing thoughts thing, i guess i was having a little trouble breathing regularly which has been A Thing for a really long time...

like, entire life amount of time. it does keep me awake sometimes though because i have to struggle to do in-out in a non-erratic way.

i just wasn’t asleep. i don’t know why. i dozed off eventually because later i had memories that definitely weren’t real floating around in my head. i woke up again maybe around 4 or 4:30. so four hours of sleep? my arm was super itchy. i couldn’t sleep because of that. i dragged myself over to the bathroom and scrubbed my arm with a wet towel and that helped a little. i tried taking a look at it and i was worried i had been bitten by a bug or something, but it was just red from messing around with it for so long.

that kept me up for 30 or 40 minutes. then my alarm went off at 6:20. i whined at it but i got up. i didn’t feel like i was particularly behind in my schedule? i did everything i needed to do and had a few minutes to chat with asher. i wasn’t sure when the bus lines started. when i checked my phone i saw one was scheduled to arrive in five minutes so i headed to the stop, but it must have passed by several minutes earlier because the next bus didn’t show up for 10 minutes. so then i was running late.

i couldn’t find the disability resource center even though i had confirmed its location on the campus map yesterday. i wandered around with my cupcake trays for like 20 minutes. i was late for my appointment, but i did eventually find it... i don’t know how ANYONE could find it if they didn’t have a ton of patience or desperation though. and my manager said that a lot of people do miss their appointments because they get lost or too frustrated to keep looking and give up.

they have a lot of accommodations available though! i got my letters printed and carried my cupcakes over to the physics building. i didn’t offer any to the disability office, and i was bummed about that. i ended up needing all of them anyway though. well, “needing” as in they all got eaten well before i left the building.

no one was in the grad offices so i took one of my letters down to my new e&m professor. i was just going to drop it off since it pretty clearly outlines what my accommodations are and i told him if he had any questions he could email my manager.

i guess there’s a better word i could be using than manager but i don’t actually remember what it might be right now.

he said “no no, wait, we have to talk about this.” and i kind of side-eyed him, like he was going to ask for my diagnosis or something, which the resources center had made clear i didn’t need to share. and then he said something wild!

“i mean, just from how you looked, i could tell, but,”

i narrowed my eyes at him. i wish i’d been a little more obnoxious though. could tell what, sir? what could you tell? i wonder what gave it away. asher said i look perpetually worried. my english teacher in high school said the same. but there’s also other things. i fidget a lot, i don’t wear makeup. i don’t make much eye contact.

i wonder what, exactly, i looked like to him. because usually when people make judgment calls like that, it’s to say i look stupid. or “retarded,” as mother likes to put it.

like... there’s a lot of things that could “give it away.” i wonder which one it was.

anyway through gritted teeth i stood through another of his meandering lectures about protocol and set up an appointment to speak with him about it in more detail on tuesday. then i went to classical mechanics.

i talked to suzanne a little bit on the way there. she’d not slept much last night either. a lot less than me, but the same problem.

then when class started my brain shut off and i stopped recognizing things that were happening around me? like i could see something moving in front of me and white lines were showing up on the black-green expanse but i didn’t know what was going on. then five minutes later i kind of remembered where i was but the professor had already started erasing his first notes. i asked suzanne if i could borrow her notes later to copy. i did write down a few things i heard him say that he didn’t put on the board.

i felt really bad because he drew a diagram that did not make any sense at all and i got really hung up on it. and when i’d ask why the diagram was like that he would react as if i’d corrected his math when i was asking about the geometry and the proportions and what was actually happening there. i gave up by the end of class. keegan explained it to me a little better afterward. he borrowed my calculator and we talked with luis about cases where there might be more than one solution since the professor had spent some time on a proof that there could only be one solution. i dunno. normal stuff i guess.

i did a little better during the second period, quantum. i got everything down fine and i let both the other professors know that i had my letter to discuss on tuesday.

after that i gave some cupcakes out to non-ta grad students and then i brought my cupcakes into the lab and left them on the front table. that got more than half of them eaten. i was partnered with harrison today and we sat behind taylor and dazhi. i was talking to harrison about how basic mechanics was my favorite because i could always clearly see what was going on. he commented that sometimes quantum was easier because you could just do the math and it would work out and you didn’t HAVE to visualize what was going on. i joked that i felt more at ease when i could see everything and that matrices just didn’t have that physicality.

taylor turned around and explained matrices to me. he very slowly told me that i could think of matrices as a collection of numbers and two-dimensional matrices were 2x2, and three-dimensional would be 3x3, and so on for n dimensions. he continued about how to multiply matrices and how they interacted with basic quantum notational stuff. i put my chin in my fists and smiled at him. harrison looked baffled.

“why are you explaining matrices to us?” he finally asked.

“you asked about matrices,” he said, looking at me.

i frowned. “i was talking about how like a matrix would apply to my pencil,” i said. “like how do those numbers directly affect what is happening as it moves. i know what a matrix is. i’m not stupid.”

then harrison and i found out our computer wasn’t working so we moved our equipment to another table and i didn’t interact with anyone else until the pizza arrived. about 20 minutes after we got back from our little teaching story exchange i got extremely ill and had to leave harrison to fend for himself against the terrifying position-velocity box experiment.

i’m thinking pizza might be a non-option for me going forward.

i’m not stupid.

at the end of the experiment i mentioned i had a quiz in my e&m class and harrison panicked, thinking that the grad professor had done something sneaky. i told harrison i was in undergrad e&m now because i’m stupid. he said oh. i think he might have said some other things but i didn’t hear him very well.

the quiz was actually horrifying. it’s kind of funny... i had so much trouble with it, but when i was explaining what the quiz was about to suzanne later i told her i didn’t know how to integrate a function i should know, and then i immediately guessed what the right answer was just talking about it off the top of my head.

i’m thinking test anxiety is a real thing for me.

it didn’t help that i really wasn’t happy with that professor after our little disability adventure in his lab.

after that was over i summoned keegan and he kicked my ass at smash brothers some more. i almost won a few times. then another guy joined us and that was really fun because they were both really good at duels and i was much better at multiplayer. i have also gotten significantly better at melee over my 2 games with keegan. like this time i successfully prevented him from getting back on the stage once.

after that a whole bunch of us went to a bar right off campus. i had my first drink in like a year. over a year. i got pretty tipsy but i did only have one cocktail and then i stuck to water and pita bread and felt better real fast. we played pool and i accidentally smashed my finger against the edge of the table trying to make a shot and ripped the skin off the second knuckle. the bartender had to go get me a bandage.

i had my “test anxiety” conversation with suzanne while we were hanging out by the table, i was sipping my drink. her brother in law alex showed up and i talked to him a little too. i couldn’t hear him very well because he speaks quietly and not very clearly. i met some of the older grad students and we talked about arizona wildlife. ioannus showed us a picture of the first alligator he’s ever seen.

keegan was being very friendly with me. i am not sure what’s going on there. i asked him where his girlfriend was and he said he’d be going to dinner with her. but before he left he patted my shoulder a couple times. i jolted a little bit at the physical contact but it’s not like he came up behind me and also i was just chill enough that it didn’t matter as much.

i went home around 7:45. actually since i had had so much water and pita bread i felt pretty alert. about 2 minutes into my 25-minute walk home THE DELUGE began. so i walked in the rain. it was actually really nice. it woke me up, it was kinda warm (it got cold after i’d worked up a sweat carrying my full backpack and the two cupcake tins so i cooled off too), and it was just... nice. rain in arizona is usually sideways and lasts 15 minutes and then blows away. this was like standing in a good powerful shower.

when i got home i was soaked. i tore my shoes off and put them in the bathroom first thing and then i dumped my stuff on the floor and tried to space it all out so it could dry. all my electronics stayed pretty dry since my backpack is awesome. i got into some warm pajamas and blow-dried my hair to warm up. then i had a pretty quiet evening watching some youtube videos i’d bookmarked earlier and (half) a taz episode. i’ll have to do the other half tomorrow. now it’s 10:50. i should sleep or else tomorrow i’m going to be completely incoherent.

when i feel really bad about myself talking to suzanne sometimes feels like she’s kind of patronizing me. i noticed she does that around alex too a little bit. he seems ok with it. but it always rubs me the wrong way. so lately i’ve been trying to put a little more reciprocity into the relationship there and ask how she’s doing and do the cupcake thing and stuff. she seems pretty happy either way but i feel better about asking for help when i have already been contributing to... whatever. something. explaining some quantum to my classmate counts right?

i’m not stupid. i guess i look stupid. but i’m not.

i’m just... tired.

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