#That mixed with them calling me small joys Timothy (my name is not Timothy and they don’t actually call me that) for my whimsical nature | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

futurewriter2000 · 5 years

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A Wallflower - pt. 1

A/N: So, I was really enjoying this fic and I am thinking of writing a second part to this because making everything angsty and then into a fluffy cute kissing scene was really challanging. You know either it’s all angst or full time fluff, butt it’s hard to go from angst to fluff, especially for me. Hope you like it.

PAIRING: Teddy Lupin x reader

REQUEST: Teddy Lupin x reader pls Kinda angsty but at the end cute Kissing scenes pls

Confidence was a funny thing. Either you had it or you hadn’t and with Teddy Lupin, there was an exchanging bargain with his brain and heart.

All he wanted from you was a look. One glance, one second of your gorgeous smiling eyes, your astounding, plush lips. “Come on. Come on.” he continued to mumble to himself meanwhile his leg that continued to jump with full time speed, kept James finally put his fork down.

“Will you stop it!” James grumbled. “It’s 8am in the morning, I am barely alive, I have a test in three hours and I think I left half of my body in my own bed!”

“Sorry, mate.” Teddy stopped jumping his leg, his fingers intertwining with his own as he tried not to look at you.

But what if you look at his direction and he doesn’t catch it? What if all of that constant pleading and begging got him for him to miss his chance?

“Honestly, who are you looking at?” James started scanning the Ravenclaw table.

“Me?” Teddy said nervously. “Noone.” he shook his head and focused his eyes on the table, unaware that before his eyes focused on the wood, they looked up at you and James noticed it.

“(y/n)(y/l/n)?” James leaned back and crossed his arms in disapproval. “Her?”

Teddy looked up. Somewhat ashamed, somewhat relieved that another knows.

“Seriously mate. Not her.”

“Why not?” he replied, straightning up his posture and quirking an eyebrow at him. “She’s smart and funny, gorgeous-”

“And she’s a real bitch.” James rolled his eyes. “Pureblood, rich and coming from the whole line of respected wizarding familes. I think she has a big dose of that pureblood in her ego.”

“Aren’t you the same?” Teddy clicked his tongue and James widened his eyes at the realization before shaking his head and uncrossing his arms.

“That’s not the point. The point is that her whole family is against muggle-borns, half-breeds fiasco and she is no different. Just look at her.” he pointed his hand at you but you were nowhere to be seen. James and Teddy both widened his eyes at your sudden disappereance.

“Merlin, she’s a complete monster.” you rested your arms on James shoulders and put your head on top of his. “Absolute beast. Voldemort would hide from her.” you continued to tease, removing yourself from James and ruffling his hair. “Where’s your daddy Potter when you need him?” you finished, taking a glance of the boy next to him, sending him a flirty wink and leaving.

Teddy felt himself melt like butter meanwhile James was boiling inside. He was clenching his fists and digging his nails in his palms. “I promised my dad I’ll stay out of trouble... but she just fucking crossed the line.” he gritted his teeth and stormed after you.

Teddy as long as it took him to get out from his daze, ran after him. He promised Harry that he’ll try to keep James out of much trouble as he could. Ephasis on the try.

He was too far away to stop what happened next. You were hugging a First year who kept jumping of joy, showing you her E in Transfiguration. You were her tutor and she adored you. She kept coming to you for advice, any kind of advice and you always had time to help her because she as sweet, kind and full of life you couldn’t get to have at her age.

“(Y/l/n)!” James shouted on top of his furious lungs.

You looked up, your pupil, Melody, as well.

“FUCK YOU!” he continued to shout while you stepped in front of Melody and stand up to this prick.

“Potter, go away. We can do this later but not now.” you felt Melody’s hand take a hold of your robes.

“NO! I want to talk to you now! You don’t get to throw my father, my whole family and the moment that scarred his life into my face like mud!” he kept clenching his fists, his eyes blazing and narrowed at you.

“Shut up, Potter!” you snapped, feeling Melody’s grip tighten.

“Don’t tell him to shut up!” Teddy now intertwined. “He’s right! You were being rude to him.”

“And who the fuck are you?” you scoffed, knowing exactly who he was. The boy you shared most of your classes with. “Alright? Edward Lupin.”

“Teddy.” he felt his anger boil, the daze completely gone. He hated his name, always preffered to be called Teddy.

“Well, Teddy, whoever the fuck you are, stay out.”

“Whoever the fuck I am? Who the fuck are you, talking to everybody like you own them.”

“What?! You don’t even know me, half-breed!”

That hit the spot in Teddy’s heart. His hair changed colour in a flash, his body covered James’ whole and he was standing above you.

“Half-breed?!” he was leaning over you. “I may be a half-breed but at least my father even if he was werewolf, he still fought for you to have an education and so you can live meanwhile what did your father did? Sip his vodka and get drunk?” he was now getting close to your hitting your point in the heart. “I know you and your family, pureblood maniacs, thinking yall are so much more worhty than the rest of us but as I remember your mother never even finished school and your daddy inherited the money he spends on alcohol and well- you.” he made a hand gesture that implied at you. “You think your family is respectful but all they do is get rid of the muggle-borns. Don’t think I don’t know what your family does. You’re nothing but murderers.” he growled and after that last few words, the hand let go of your robe and as you wanted to speak, there was a scared voice speaking instead of yours.

“Is that true?” Melody took a few steps back with her teary eyes staring at yours.

Teddy just now noticed the little First year, his anger flushing away meanwhile you turned around and looked at her. “No- no!” you quickly tried to deny, squating down and opening your arms. “It’s not- Melody-”

“You’re lying!” tears fell down her cheeks meawhile yours started to gather in yours.

“It’s complicated, Mel. Please don’t be afraid.”

“I’m a Muggle-born. You want to get rid of me?”

“What? Of course, not! Why would you think that?”

“You always say of taking the family business and if they get rid of-”

“Melody, that’s not what I meant. That’s not what we do anymore!”

“ANYMORE?!” she shouted and tears started to fall down your cheeks.

“Melody!” you pleaded. “Just let me explain.”

“NO! I thought of you like a sister now I can’t even look at you.” she started backing away and you tried to walk after her but she screamed. “LEAVE ME ALONE! MURDERER!”

You felt your heart break. That was the point and she hit the middle.

It didn’t take long after her heart-breaking leave that you felt like sobbing yourself. You couldn’t even look at them. From shame? Anger? It didn’t even matter at the point because you couldn’t feel yourself breathe no matter where you ran. And you ran far and further, somewhere where there was only loneliness.

‘ You stepped down the stairs and stopped at the fifth step, just so you could see right in the kitchen.

“Please, I don’t know anything!” the man, crouched and bare chest lifted his slim hands but he cursed anyway. Screams escaped his mouth, agonized screams. When he stopped crucifying him, he took a deep breath in as if it was his last. “Ple- pl-” he tried to speak but his tongue was tied.

“TELL ME!” he roared and you jumped at the sound.

“It’s Timothy McKay! Timothy McKay! It’s McKay!”

There was silence and an malicious cackle. “McKay? That Half-blood is a half-breed as well? He’ll be a pleasure to torture. Never tortured half-veela. Explains why the ladies adored him.”

“Pl-pl-pl-please...” his voice shook but your father stepped close and put a tip of his wand under his chin.

“Ava-”

“STOP!” another roaring voice came from the bacground.

“What?!”

“Your child.” it was calmer now. “Stairs.”

Your father’s eyes shot at yours and you could feel the chaos that will become. Your heart began to pound, the adrenalin in you but no muscles to move your scared little body. “YOU LITTLE PRAT!” he stormed over but the voice stopped him once again.

“Don’t hurt the child!” he said and your father’s hand stop close to your cheek. “Bring her here.” your fahter’s hand gripped your arm and life feather dragged you to the room where the another man was tortured.

There he was. The voice. Tall, skinny, white hair and matching wild mustache. He knelt down and smiled. “Come here.” he opened his arms and as scared as you were, your feet did what they were told. “Come, come.”

And you were in his arms. He took a hold of your small hands in his skinny and all bones palms, holding them meanwhile he looked up at his son. “Don’t ever hurt a woman, son. Don’t ever hurt my grandchild.” he warned, turning you around and locking you in place with his long, slim hands. “Show her how the family business runs.”

“Pleasure.” your father smirked and turned his head as well as his wand to the cruched, barely breathing man in front. ‘

You screamed so loud, holding the sides of your head and digging your nails into your scalp.

He broke his promise to his father. He may never have hurted you physically but every breath in that house, every word that was directed to you... it broke you much more but the one that broke you the most was the one that called you him.

‘ “You know?” he swayed on his numb feet, holding a firewhiskey. “They call us murderers and prehaps we are- we have been through all generations and I used to be like you. Against it till my every bone but there were things my father did to me that made me change my mind.” he sat on the edge of your bed meanwhile your heart pounded under the sheets. “I don’t want you to go through pain I did but as long as you rebel against me, that’s what I’ll exactly do.” his hand touched your leg, tapped it harshly meanwhile the mix of alcohol and cigarrates blew your way. “You’ll be a murderer like all of us. You grow to like it.” and he was gone. ‘

He told you that as soon as you start, you get to remember the eyes you take. He told you the order many manny times. His first were green, a family of brown, black, grey, grey, blue, mother’s were always more blue, then there were twins but with different eyes. One had a mix of blue and green the other hand just green. Then he took a man’s that were purple, completely purple, yellow - werewolf, a few of those actually but after that he lost count.

“Is that really who I am meant to be?” you asked yourself and there was a voice in the back of your head saying: ‘No, of course not. Times have changed since long the family business started. You know you’re not one. Deep inside you know you’re not who they want you to be.’ but there was another voice, saying the opposite: ‘Yes. It’s exactly who you are meant to be. As much as you want to escape his, you will never. Why? Because it’s in your blood. As soon as you kill, you’ll want nothing more but more blood and death in your hands. Accept the deep cravings your soul has.’

And you didn’t want to agree with the second voice but what if it was true? What if deep inside, you were a natural murderer.

But you couldn’t. You remember that grandfather made the first target your father’s best friend, who was indeed a son of a werewolf and a witch. Green eyes. Those were his first to take. What if your first eyes to take would be Melody’s? Those big, round blue eyes?

“No.” you told yourself. “I’d never do that.”

But again the second voice spoke: ‘Yes. You’ll have to.’

And for some odd reason... you agreed. You will have to one day because your father scared you and you were too weak for him. You didn’t want to be the weak daughter of the almighty (y/f/n).

“I’m sorry.” a voice came from the distance. You turned your head to see but due to the darkness, you could only see a figure but due to the fact his voice cut deep wounds, you knew who it was.

“You shouldn’t be.” you were quite calm. “You were right. At some point, I am a murderer- or more like become one.” you looked at the dark deep forest.

He shuffled through the leaves and made his way to sit next to you. “I didn’t mean what I said there.”

“Yes, you did.” you simpered at him, looking at his green eyes before they changed to blue and you could only observe before taking a deep breath and looking back at the distance. “I attacked your family and you attacked mine. It was a fair battle.”

“You didn’t attack my family. You attacked James’ family and when it comes to James and Harry, I get over-protective. They aren’t only his family, they are mine too.”

“I know.” you decided to look at him again, this time, keeping your eyes where they landed. “I’m sorry for what happened to your parents in the war. I heard they were amazing wizards and for Harry Potter.” you smiled. “I met him once and he was actually a great guy. I remember I was around thirteen years old and me and James got into this huge fight. Harry came to me and told me that nobody could get under James’ skin like I did.”

“Yeah, there really isn’t nobody like you that comes to his live nerves.”

“He shouldn’t have taken my compartment five years ago and we’d be just fine. Best buddies.” you joked and Teddy chuckled.

“You would think so?”

“I know so.” you continued to joke. “But I guess that this time I really did cross the line and it would all be okay if Melody wasn’t there when it happened. I love that little girl.”

“Yeah... I noticed.”

“Oh, did you now?” you nudged him a bit and he smiled.

“I shouldn’t have said those things to you.” he tried to apologise but you just couldn’t have that.

“Well, you were in the right all the way. You can’t choose into which family you are born to. I? I was born into the family of murderers. There was no false word you said.” you admitted, to yourself and to him.

“Yes, there was.” he could see the crescent iluminate its light in your eyes. It was lighting the whole forest if not and Teddy couldn’t help himself but see just how beautiful you were at the moment. In the moment when you were fragile and honest with yourself. In the moment where all he could say was how sorry he was to hurt this beautiful creature in front of him. To say sorry to those eyes, those lips, that hair, those ears, those hands, fingers, cheeks, nose... that soul that was the complete opposite of what you thought. “You’re not a murderer, (Y/n). Your parents, your family and none of your past ancestors define who you get to be.And I saw the way you cared for that little girl and not everybody cared so much for a stranger as you would. I saw the look in her eyes when I noticed you standing behind you. You weren’t her tutor, you were her hero.”

“Not anymore.” you kept looking down, your hair blocking your perfect face.

Teddy put his hand under your chin and gently moved it up, so he could see your perfection. Because that’s who you were to him. Perfect since the day he saw you and no matter what you seemed to say or do, all those flaws were never the trouble for him. He just felt deeply for you even if it was just platonic for him.

“Can I kiss you?” he was close and whispering. His eye colour changed to green, his hair to light shade of brown- the one you never saw before on him. With a gentle nod, you gave him your permission and gently, softly, he pulled you into a kiss.

It was the perfect kind of kiss, the one he always imagined it would be but even more perfect. And you felt your stomach doing sommersaults when he was still kissing you, bringing you closer to more kisses which you deepened by putting your hands on his neck and pulling him closer.

Until there was thunder and none of you jumped or pulled away in an instant. No. He removed his lips slowly from yours, gently, tenderly and taking his time in devouring that last kiss. He leaned his forehead on yours, brushed his nose against the bridge of yours and smiled. “I’ve wanted to do that since the Fourth year.”

Your fingers lightly scratched the back of his neck and soon you felt goosebumps under your fingertips. That made you giggle to just how much effect you really had on the boy. “Why didn’t you?” you looked up at those green eyes.

“I’m shy.” he grinned and you giggled in his arms.

“Shy, huh?”

“A real wallflower.”

“I could see back there, yes.”

He smiled more broadly. “I think I might be falling for you, (y/n).” he was honest and your heart fluttered at those words.

“You know what, Lupin?” your hand reached his cheek. “I think I might be falling for you too.”

#teddy lupin #teddy lupin imagine #teddy lupin x reader #cursed child #the cursed child #cursed child era #james sirius potter #james sirius x reader

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cohcommunity · 7 years

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Anna's Malawi Diary

Anna Stock traveled to Malawi in May 2017 with our Medical Team. She has shared parts of her diary with us to give you a sneak peek into some of the fun, crazy and amazing experiences God brings to us in Malawi at the Grace Center! It's a little long, but worth your time so come back often to visit and read to the end.

May 19th I missed 90% during peeing the first time in a squatty potty. I made 100% the next time.

When it got dark, the stars here are AMAZING! They’re literally one of the most beautiful sights I have EVER SEEN. You can see them so clearly and even the Milky Way. This sight is such a blessing.

For dinner, we had white rice with an egg and tomato sauce topping with bananas as a side. It was SO GOOD! I don’t think that anybody enjoyed it as much as I did, but I loved it!

I met about 20 people today, but I don’t think I got a single interaction correct in Chichewa.

May 20th My feet are ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.

Words that were used instead of Chetenge (however you spell it): chechanga, chechunga, churro, chimichanga, choo-choo, zzzzzzchenga

When we were walking away from Patricia’s home, after meeting Janet for the first time, Sydney told me that she is HIV+. This kind of shocked me because I have been so scared about HIV and AIDS in the past, but this little girl who I just fell in love with is HIV+. I feel like if I had known that before holding her, I would have looked at her differently.

May 22nd I dropped a pill on the ground in the pharmacy and Kelsie said, “Pick it up, this is Africa, hun.” That really put things into perspective…but that was also nasty.

Eunice didn’t have her Hb tested when she came into the nurse’s station, so I took her back out to that station. In the fingerprint book at Abusa’s house, it said that Eunice was healed of HIV after a team member prayed for her. I feel like every child I have connected with here so far has some type of connection to HIV. Janet is HIV+, Timmy Too’s mom had it, and Eunice has been healed from it. God is kind of freaking me out with this. I feel as though God is really helping me to overcome my fear.

I made Timothy say my name every time I saw him—I will force children to know who I am.

May 23rd I AM SO TIRED I ALMOST FELL ASLEEP IN THE WICKER CHAIR OUTSIDE THE CLINIC.

I talked to Henry about Chichewa and English at the clinic today while sitting on bean bags…like literal bags of beans. He kept pointing to things asking me how to say them, but I don’t even know “bean” or greetings, there is no way I am going to know “window” or different body parts even if he keeps pointing at them. And then they kept trying to get me to sing head and shoulders in Chichewa. Singing isn’t going to magically put Chichewa words into my mind. It was funny to watch him laugh at me struggle.

I sat down at Patricia’s and had Eunice sitting by me resting on my lap. Eliya was on my lap closest to me and then Janet was on my knees. My lap and heart were so full.

I am pop-quizzing children about my name so that they learn it and remember who I am. Poor Timothy knows my name I think now, but he probably avoids me now to not get pop-quizzed.

Adorable moments—when I would take a temperature of a small child at the clinic and I would kneel down to get to their level and then THEY WOULD KNEEL DOWN WITH ME. Then we would both just be chilling on the floor.

May 24th I will murder a rooster.

God is changing me so much in this season. I feel like I’m learning so incredibly much about love. I have never had someone break down my walls and connect with me as quickly as these kids have. Their love is INCREDIBLE. I thought I was coming here for a medical trip mostly, but now the clinic is just kind of part of it and I look forward to leaving it every day to go play with the kids. I just never thought in a million years that this would happen. I don’t particularly like kids, but now I just LOVE THESE KIDS. I’m so confused. God is trying to push me and grow me and change me and I’m getting annoyed…but it’s good and I’m happy.

May 25th I gave 2 shots today. The first was FLAWLESS to an old man. The second was to a child and it bounced off of his skin. I made him cry. I felt bad. I had no idea that you dart it to get the needle to go in and I literally asked right before giving the first one, “So how do you push this in?” and Karly said “Like a dart”. I HAD NO IDEA. But then I through about how was he going to get his medicine and so I darted the heck out of that shot. I AM SO UNDERQUALIFIED.

Timothy sat by me at lunch today. I think he likes me and the pop-quizzing of my name is going very well.

I gave Eunice some of my hand sanitizer that smelled like flowers. She was wearing a purple headband that all the girls shared. It had flowers on it and she rubbed the hand sanitizer on the headband so that the flowers smelled like real flowers. It was literally the most adorable thing I have seen in my life. It was so innocent.

May 26th

While the girls were waiting to shop outside of Abusa’s house, they started singing by themselves. You don’t see that kind of RAW joy in America. I don’t usually have that kind of raw joy in my own life.

"You don’t see that kind of RAW joy in America."

May 28th During one of the songs at church today, they had a portion of the song about not being able to walk in hell. To portray this, they had a man convulsing on the ground. I thought I was going to witness an exorcism. Not gonna lie…I was pretty excited… but turns out it was just part of the choreography.

During the prayer times in one of the songs, the word VESSEL kept coming to mind. I think God is showing me that I need to fully surrender. I’m not completely being a vessel. I’m being a puppet for Him with a string on only 1 hand and 1 foot, when I need to give over all of that control.

Esther J’s face is PRICELESS.

May 29th We went up to Abusa’s house to help the boys shop after clinic and KUMBUKANI SHOPPING WAS THE ABSOLUTE FUNNIEST AND MOST ADORABLE THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. He salsa danced in and out of the dressing room.

It was so nice to see so much happiness from all of the boys and their different personalities really come out during that time.

I was playing a soccer/keep away game with Arnold and I needed to get the lid that we were using as a ball from him so I slide tackled him. He did NOT see it coming. My chitenje really gave me some momentum and helped me slide across the porch.

May 31st I was with Dr. Rick in the clinic today. It was really neat because he let me do most of the assessment and even pick the meds (of course he oversaw it all). The language barrier is very evident in a setting like this. Innocent was a WONDERFUL translator.

I was chasing Josiah and Clever for a while at Patricia’s, but having trouble catching them because of the whole chitenje situation, so I told Kumbu to help me and he literally walked over and MAN HANDLED them and brought them back over to me. I love Kumbu.

Brian flew the drone at Patricia’s house which was HILAROUS because all of the kids were trying to touch it and he would just mess with them and almost let them touch it and then lift it up again. Then the kids started grabbing each other to get higher.

June 2nd I was sitting on the wall outside of Abusa’s house watching the sunrise because it was absolutely beautiful… and something really substantial hit my leg and ran away. I’m guessing it was a mouse, but I don’t know. After that, I decided that I was done watching the sunrise.

I ate my last trail mix yesterday. All I have now is like 2 packs of cashews. It’s a struggle.

June 3rd: Lake day One of the house moms took Evasi (cerebral palsy) to the water edge and sat him down in the sand so that the waves could barely touch him. He doesn’t really show much expression, but when a wave came in the first time, a little smile came across his face. Then the next wave came in and he smiled a bit more. The house mom with him was beaming when she saw him smile. It was so amazing to see her light up and show him so much love even though she isn’t his biological mom.

June 4th We were walking down to church and I heard a boy yell “Anna, Anna” but NOBODY WAS ANYWHERE. I was really confused. Then I heard it again. I looked up in the big tree outside of Timothy’s home and it was KUMBU at the top of it!

Eunice and Clever got in a fight over my lap at one point during the popcorn/tangerine party. It was scary, but made me feel loved.

When the little kids came out in their dresses and suits it was the ABSOLUTE CUTEST thing in the world. All of the other kids were SO HAPPY. Timmy Too was standing on the edge of the group photo. He had his hands in his pants, but it kind of looked like he was doing the typical guy pose with his hands in his pockets. He looked like a little man.

June 6th The safari was really neat, but I feel like the whole entire time I was thinking about all of the kids. I was so preoccupied with these feelings that I didn’t really enjoy the safari even though it was amazing.

Dingie was by far the most incredible tour guide. He got super excited when he realized there were 2 warthogs and not one…like he had never seen a warthog before.

At one point, Dingie drives into a swamp area to see a crocodile. We see one. Then he turns off the jeep, GETS OUT (again, we just saw a crocodile), goes to the back, pees in the dark, gets back in, off-roads, almost flips the vehicle, drives through literally a jungle…like literally straight jungle…branches flying everywhere, somehow hits a path, and then continues on the safari.

We were almost done with the safari and he gets a call that someone found a leopard. So Dingie SPEEDS back where we just were, off-roads, and gets us within 15 feet of a leopard…just chillin’…just sitting there MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH US. I was very glad that I was not on the cat side of the vehicle. Very thankful to Matt for that.

I tried to shower but there was no hot water or soap, so I skipped it…I live for bucket showers anyway.

June 7th When we got back to the Grace Center, I go SO excited. We stopped at the bottom of the hill and I asked if I could just get out there because I didn’t want to waste any time. As soon as I got out, a group of kids ran up to me! It was so sweet. It was like a mini-welcome.

Clever wanted to play with a ball he had. He threw it to me and I threw it back to him and he is so uncoordinated that it hit him in the face. I felt kind of bad, but hopefully it will inspire him to get better at sports. He is so adorable. I love him.

I found Eunice and we walked up to Patricia’s. She was eating a tangerine but she was also holding my hand which was very sticky and wet, but I didn’t mind. I missed her while I was on Safari. She said something to me in Chichewa at the top of the hill. Usually she just kind of rattles things off in Chichewa, but she really said this to me, so I asked Lontia to translate it. She said that she missed me. It was really sweet to hear that because I had had such a hard time being away while I was on safari that to come back to a mini-welcome and the kids who I love saying they miss me was so sweet.

June 8th Clever came up behind me when I was sitting on the ground before chapel and all I felt was a HUGE tummy in the back of my head. He just stood there pressing into the back of my head repeatedly. After eating, he hid behind a tree and I went over to catch him and he ran away through the field. He was actually really fast, and my chitenje was really holding me back, but I caught him and picked him up. It was so adorable because he just gave up and took a nap on my shoulder.

Karen came up to Patricia’s in the minibus and got everyone together to pray and sing and out of nowhere, little Esther C hits us with the vocals and leads the song.

I started crying during the prayer.

We all said our good-byes. Eunice was by me most of the time, but I wanted to say good-bye to her last. Once I had hugged everyone at least once, some twice, some three times, I hugged Eunice and struggled through saying “I love you” and “I will miss you” in Chichewa. Actually letting go of her hand and walking to the minibus was weird. It wasn’t that that moment was the hardest part or super emotional by itself, but it just felt wrong and awkward, like it wasn’t supposed to happen. I turned around once I got to the minibus to wave and she was just standing there watching still, kind of blank. It just felt very weird to walk away.

The boys didn’t show a lot of emotion, but it was a good transition from crying a lot at Patricia’s to going back to Abusa’s house.

They were all good good-byes

I had my last bucket shower. I will miss those.

June 9th Breakfast was HUGE buns and eggs…my gluten free cleanse I was attempting before getting on the plane went right out the window. I didn’t even eat the eggs…just the bread.

Sydney took me to see Eunice’s picture book in the office before Chapel. It was amazing to see her transformation. She is literally the living representation of overcoming one of my worst fears.

I cried like 3 times on the plane.

The more I think about all of this, the more what Karen said resonates with me “It’s okay to have to come back here to visit this piece of your heart”. That piece of my heart is more than there. It is weird to have that split because I don’t think I have ever really allowed myself to have one in the past, at least not to this extent. But it’s not a piece that I want back. I want those kids who poured out their love to me for 3 weeks to have it. I don’t think they have any idea the extent of their love that they gave me and in the moment, I know that I had no idea the piece of my heart that I was giving them.

June 12th The plane ride home was very difficult for me because I felt like that moment, leaving, was literally the farthest I would be from those children and that place. I was literally going in the opposite direction and that was really hard for me. I also think that that time was one of the best times of my life because I don’t think I have ever felt something THAT deeply or been that shook up and kind of broken, I guess, about an experience. But it was such a sweet sadness. I wouldn’t want to not feel that way after leaving.

Sydney told,me, “Let yourself feel all those emotions.” It is definitely a hard thing to feel. It’s not completely comfortable to come to the realization that your heart will never be whole again, that all the pieces will never be in the same place at one time again. But this is something that I want to feel. I think that through this breaking God has shown me so much about His character and His love that I want to fully experience this emotion because it is bringing me closer to Him. I know that I have absolutely no idea how to make the transition back to the States or how to put into words the emotion I have felt this trip, but I know that God has an incredible plan for it all and that He will give me words that I need to glorify Him through this whole experience.

"I think that through this breaking God has shown me so much about His character and His love that I want to fully experience this emotion because it is bringing me closer to Him."

Each summer Circle of Hope sends team members to bridge gaps and further the development of Malawi. Anna's diary is one of many perspectives and shows growth and connection from her, as well as, the kids she went to serve. Pray with us today for our staff, kids, friends, supporters, and team members...each little laugh and big spiritual revolution impacts our lives.

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