#Teaboot advice
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Feels weird leaving an ask, like I’m walking up to a sage on a mountain and asking advice but that sage is likely just some guy in his pj’s eating cheese. Anyway any advice for how to be okay with being perceived? It’s hard to not feel like everything I do whilst in someone eyeline is embarrassing
I'm actually eating Pierogi in the bathtub right now so this is perfect
Okay first off, currently working my way out of the wet paper bag that is Social Anxiety that once had me agoraphobic and melting down on my way to buy groceries, just so you know what you're working with
Care about how you dress, but not in like, a fashion way. Just a "I like how I feel in this shirt" sort of way. And not so much, "I look good in these pants so I will wear them to be perceived Correctly", as, "I feel great in these house slippers and when I feel good I'm confident and when I'm confident I give less of a shit what the haters might think". Wear what feels good. Cut your hair and do your face and nails whatever way feels good. Appearance is secondary to vibes.
Lean into the funny. I waited 10 minutes in line for a coffee order that had already been set out for me this morning, and when the barista noticed, we both had a good laugh. Five years ago that would have killed me. Now I'm glad these poor workers will have a funny story over their bland ass shift. When I was in retail that would have been adorable and hilarious! And so, my goofemup is a gift. I am full of blessings
Get louder and watch as nothing bad happens. Take up more space and watch as nobody yells at you. Wear brighter or skimpier or janglier outfits and bask I the glory that is "Nobody gives a shit except the nice strangers who give me compliments". Marvel at how far you can push the envelope before anyone so much as comments on it. This will free you.
Say yes to terrifying opportunities to be Seen. Karaoke, dance, improv. And if you can't do it sincerely, embody a caricature of yourself. It's terrifying and it sucks eternally and forever and ever and ever like hellfire until suddenly it doesn't. Then have fun.
Be honest. Not unkind, but blunt if you need to. "I'm having a bad time". "This kinda sucks for me". "I know you hate this song but you can deal with these last 30 seconds because I need it to live". Mostly people will think it's a joke but respect it anyway. God bless
Please keep in mind that I am flying by the seat of my pants here and this is just stuff that's worked for me. I am still a nervous disaster crying into the void. Good luck space cowboy
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in honour of my gravity falls obsessed brother turning eleven, I took @teaboot 's idea, and I am filling a little journal with messages in invisible ink!! however, I have 25 days and around 200 pages to fill. please help me decide what to put in them!! I don't know how to describe it, but it should be written like random snippets of advice from someone who has travelled through 30 different dimensions. for you gravity falls fans, it needs to be a journal. lots of weird cryptic messages, secret codes and files on people and characters. send me asks or reply to this with ideas, I am slightly desperate
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I posted 2,331 times in 2022
That's 230 more posts than 2021!
16 posts created (1%)
2,315 posts reblogged (99%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@hellonorik
@roach-works
@becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys
@teaboot
@elodieunderglass
I tagged 2,053 of my posts in 2022
Only 12% of my posts had no tags
#bugsnax - 138 posts
#deltarune - 59 posts
#tumblr - 55 posts
#undertale - 52 posts
#snorts - 52 posts
#pretty art - 45 posts
#angelic apparitions - 39 posts
#goncharov - 36 posts
#cool ocs - 35 posts
#animal vid - 34 posts
Longest Tag: 110 characters
#i’ve lived in what america considers a walkable city vs what europe does and they’re not even remitely similar
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
✨ 💸 🤔 ⚠️ 🛠 📉 ✨
- the good wizard
1 note - Posted April 1, 2022
#4
Every night you dream that you talk to a genie, when you wake up you can't remember what you wished for. One morning you wake up with a giant crab pincer replacing your right arm. What do you do?
I recognize carcinization has begun and look forward to evolving to my true form.
2 notes - Posted September 7, 2022
#3
Farewell Sweet Crabs 👋 🦀
When I remember my crab friends I'll think of:
the turning of the tides
2 notes - Posted July 24, 2022
#2
hi! just a quick question, have you listened to limetown? seeing the podcasts you liked in your pinned post, i think you might enjoy it! you have awesome taste in podcasts btw!
Thank you!!
Not yet! It's been on my to-listen list pretty much since I started listening to podcasts though. I've been really moseying to getting around to it since there was the long hiatus+I heard the ending wasn't great. Idk if that's true though, so I'm still planning on giving it a shot!
3 notes - Posted June 28, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
Hi! I found your at from a zine modding advice compilation doc. I am planning to make a zine, but I have no experience modding. I was wondering if I could get your advice on how to make realistic/fulfillable plans as a newbie?
Hi there! I'm in a zine mod advice doc? 0: I had no idea, could you send me a link? I'm curious!
So, I ran my zine solo and it was my first time running any sort of project like this. It was saddlestitched 30-40 pages (I don't remember exactly; this was several years ago) and we did merch: an enamel pin, a sticker sheet, a die-cut sticker, and two holographic prints. In the end, we made enough money to cover our costs and pay out $6 (approximately) to each contributor, but did not raise enough money to offer complimentary copies of the physical zine/merch. I was aiming to have enough for complimentary copies, which is why I'd call the project a semi-success.
This got long! But here's pretty much all the advice I got:
Know your audience. Is it a fandom zine? How big is the fandom? Original content zines will struggle more to gain interest. How big is YOUR platform, specifically? As lead, the onus is on you to get the word out at the start to attract contributors and potential buyers. Try to gauge how many copies you might sell from this. Lean conservative on your estimate and base your plan on that. (This is where interest checks come in!)
Pick your vendors. Familiarize yourself with the terminology they use. Compare and contrast prices and services using the sales estimate you devised in the last step. How long does shipping take? What is the policy if products come out defective? There are always going to be some defective products when producing en masse. Check reviews. Have you bought zines yourself? Contact the creators of zines you like and ask them which vendors they're using for their assorted products. (I had a great experience with mixam.) Don't forget to look into acquiring packaging and shipping costs (domestic and international)!
Decide how you're going to sell the zine. Kickstarter's great if you're using a vendor that has a set MOQ (minimum order quantity) or if you want to guarantee to be able to provide a certain level of compensation for your contributors, but it also takes a fee and means that, if you don't get enough orders, you have to start the campaign all over again. Bigcartel has more flexibility in terms of sales windows and such, but it's difficult to customize like kickstarter. Also, if you're using bigcartel and don't sell enough, you're on the hook for either refunding or fulfilling all the preorders you do get. You'll also need a stripe and paypal business account.
Make a budget. So you have an estimate of how many you think you'll sell. You know how much your vendors cost. You've accounted for your incidentals (kickstarter fee, packaging, gas to get to the post office, etc). Refer to other zines for what typical prices for your products are and set your prices based on that. (Analyzing what other zines are doing is generally a good idea.) What's the absolute minimum number of sales you need to cover costs? (Fewer orders usually increases production cost.) How many sales do you need to make to compensate your contributors? What will you do if there's excess money? What if it's not enough to split it among your contributors evenly? ($40 is a lot for one person, but it's basically nothing split 30 ways.) Are you going to make stretch goals?
Make a timeline. Interest check, contributor apps, concept submissions (you'll want to know what people are doing before they start working), periodic WIP checks to make sure everyone's on task (there will always be a few people who need to drop out), preorder period, manufacture time, shipping timeline. People will want to know what to expect, especially contributors. Ensure the contributors have plenty of time to work, since, chances are, they're effectively donating their time and effort. Keep in mind major holidays and school schedules; people will need more time if those are happening. Give yourself plenty of pillow space for unforseen issues, so you can stick to this timeline as much as possible throughout the process.
Have the full plan written out for your contributors before they arrive. Be clear and concise. Timeline, expectations in terms of content and behavior, instructions, how you're going to fulfill the zine, expected compensation. Not everyone knows how to prepare an image for print, so include that in your instructions. You're gonna want a discord for this. I also used google forms to manage check-ins and other such things.
Be involved, and COMMUNICATE. Talk to your contributors outside of check-ins. You're their hypeman! Hype them up! Make sure your passion's there for all to see! Nothing, and I mean nothing, kills a project faster than a disinterested/aloof leader. You'll also want to communicate any issues to contributors and buyers asap. It's not embarrassing; people will be patient (mostly) as long as they have communication. Silence is upsetting.
Consider marketing. I've written this as if you're going solo, but these next few bullets is why people usually run zines as a team. Once the contributor team is assembled, that's when you need to hit the bricks. There's a lot of waiting time and you need to gain a potential audience and keep them interested. Marketing is a weak point of mine, so I don't have much advice, but it's critical for the success of a zine. Contributors can advertise a little, but the bulk of that's on you. You'll want an account dedicated to the zine, I can say that much.
Is graphic design your passion? Even if a contributor is designing the cover, what will be on the inner page? The back cover? Do you have any writers contributing fic? That will need formatting. (Do you know how many words fit on a page? It's different depending on the size of the book.) You'll need to make some sort of credits page, or will you put credit information on the same page as each contribution? Quality graphic design can make or break marketing attempts.
Double check your contributors' work. There are going to make mistakes. Most people aren't used to preparing things for print. Having room for bleed (edges of an image that may be cut off during the printing process, or hidden when bound into a book) was a particular issue in my zine. Even if all this is written in your instructions, you'll get files with not enough bleed room, or in RBG (files must be in CMYK for print), or in too low a resolution (300 dpi minimum). Any issues need to be caught, corrected, and all the files compiled for submission to the printer.
Don't forget postage. I mentioned this briefly earlier, but don't forget to account for packaging and shipping in your budget and time. Things like pins can make a slim package too thick and change the postage class. You'll need room in your house to hold the product. You'll want to pack things to ensure nothing's dented or bent. I highly recommend against having a shipping mod, unless it's someone you know and trust very much. I've seen too many projects fall apart because a shipping mod ghosted or stole all the materials or similar issues.
Have a backup plan. What will you do if you only get five people wanting to be contributors? What if you don't sell enough to cover your costs? What if you get bad product? What if you don't hit the MOQ of your chosen vendor, or if they announce a spontaneous price change before you get your order in? Have answers!
Be confident. If you're not used to leadership, it can be weird to have everyone looking to you, but if you've prepared, then there's no reason to be nervous. The people you work with will respond to your energy, so put out those good vibes.
I enjoyed making my zine very much, but also, it was still very much work! I discovered I hate marketing and graphic design, and love the technical bits of arranging the vendors and budgeting and handling the materials. I probably wouldn't go solo again, but I'm glad I did it at least once because it taught me the ins and outs of every aspect. A lot of people, for their first zine, do digital only because, needless to say, physical product is complicated!
If you made it this far, congratulations. xD It felt nice laying out everything I learned; I hope it's just as useful for you to read.
Feel free to ask if you have any further questions!
82 notes - Posted July 13, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
#tumblr2022#year in review#my 2022 tumblr year in review#your tumblr year in review#celest rambles#2022
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You recently mentioned not to use oil based lube on a silicone toy, as it could become porous, but what about crisco/lard (for anal only, of course)? The internet doesn't yield much conclusive answers...
Thank u for your service Σ:3
You already kinda said it at the tip, but I wanna make it extra clear:
DO NOT USE CRISCO, LARD, OIL, OR OIL-BASED LUBE ON SILICONE, JELLY, ABS PLASTIC, PLASTIC, FANTAFLESH™, CONDOMS, DENTAL DAMS, OR 'FEMALE CONDOMS'
*ONLY* USE OILS OR FATS ON METAL, SKIN, OR GLASS
OILS AND FATS OF ANY KIND WILL DISSOLVE SOFT MATERIALS AND BREAK OR WEAKEN CONDOMS SPECIFICALLY, AND WILL CREATE MICROSCOPIC OPENINGS FOR BACTERIA AND SLOWLY MELT EVERYTHING ELSE
Now to answer your other question:
I don't recommend using household products such as crisco, lard, coconut oil, canola oil, or olive oil for any penetrative activities unless you have no other option available.
For skin-on-skin or glass/metal toy anal sex, it's not the worst thing you can do, but it can lead to infections, odours, and allergic reactions. I won't say DON'T, because almost any lubricant is better than no lubricant when it comes to anal, but absolutely don't go for it as your first choice.
A lot of the arguments FOR using oily lubes are these:
"It lasts longer than water-based lube!" (Yeah, because your body absorbs the water out of water-based lubes- add a bit of water when it starts to get tacky and it'll slick right back up.)
"I have bad reactions to water-based lubes!" (A lot of drug store brand water lubes are full of harsh ingredients that react badly on sensitive skin. My favourite brand of water-based lube is Water Slide. It's one of the cheaper specialty lubes, you can buy it online, and after years of stocking it I've never heard of a bad reaction.)
"We aren't using condoms or non-glass/metal toys so we're using it to last longer!" (This is fine, and oil-based lubes are graded for this purpose so they aren't as iffy as kitchen products, but if you want options, you can consider silicone lube. It's a bit pricier, but WAY outlasts oil.)
TL/DR: You probably won't die if you use crisco/lard/olive oil/coconut oil etc. for anal sex, but it will break condoms, and your specific individual body may not like it as much as actual lube.
Important disclaimer, though: I am not a medical professional, and I've only been peddling for about four years or so now. Happily welcoming any credible corrections or additions!
Awesome question, thank you for asking!!!
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Thoughts on Lord of the rings??
Do you have any tips on protected sex between two afab
Lord of the Rings kicks ass, we need more deep and meaningful platonic friendships and healthy male characters in media that don't resort to romance or toxic masculinity to emulate affection and strength, the movies were groundbreaking and remain as incredible accomplishments and a love note to innovation and practical effects
2. For sex between parties with vaginas there are a few things:
If using toys, keep in mind that toy material can be affected by the kind of lube you use. Jelly toys are safe with water-based lube and NOTHING ELSE, or they will start dissolving, and they must not be stored touching other jellies or they will melt together. Jellies are also porous and cannot be used for anal, then vaginal penetration unless a condom is used and swapped- washing will never get all bacteria out. Once used anally, a jelly toy should ONLY be used for anal.
Silicone toys can ONLY be used with water-based lube or specialized hybrid lubes- again, silicone or oil lubes will cause them to dissolve and become porous, but they CAN be used interchangeably for anal and vaginal penitration providing you wash them before vaginal use. Silicone cal also be boiled clean and totally sterilized, whereas jelly cannot be boiled.
Glass and metal can be used with absolutely any lube you want, and can also be boiled clean.
For oral sex, keep in mind that oral diseases such as herpes can be passed on back and forth through genital contact- you can get genital herpes from oral herpes and vice-versa. If this is a concern, I recommend using a dental dam, or if that is not available then you can cut the tip off a condom and then cut it lengthwise to make one fast. Both condoms and dental dams come in flavored options, but with all contraceptives, lubes, and barriers you should check that glycerin is not a high ingredient, because that can throw off PH balance in a vagina.
If you experience any itching, burning, or discomfort when using lube, it is likely you have a sensitivity to the lube you use. Durex I know is especially popular for that. I recommend Water Slide or Fuck Water.
And on the topic of water-based lubes, you can add spit or water to rehydrate if it starts to dry out during, so don't worry about dropping a little cash for the good stuff.
And for fingering a partner, go with what's comfortable, but your hand won't cramp up as fast if you use ring finger-middle finger instead of middle-index.
Lastly, you can buy topical stimulants for clitoral or nipple stimulation- I happen to have a tingling peach flavour nipple balm that I use as a chapstick. Though always read the ingredients- cooling products usually use menthol, and warming products like cinnamon, both in very low amounts, but good to know if you have an allergy.
Oh, and lots of massage oils use almond oil as well, so again, allergies.
And it's perfectly normal to have a small vagina- if you choose to, you can purchase dilator sets for not too much cash, just take things slow- but it's not necessary, obviously. All bodies are good bodies and if your partner is a dick about it you deserve better.
Great question, by the way. Hope I could help!
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I am wondering, how can I live true to myself? A vague question, but any advice for finding myself again? Thanks for reading!
Okay so I wrote a super long answer that made me sound like a much better person then I am, but it was wordy and obnoxious so here's round 2:
Make a list of people you ADMIRE: Someone whose abilities, personality, achievements, behaviour, or attitudes you envy.
Make a list of people you RESPECT: Someone you look up to, or hope to catch up to, or has habits or attitudes you want to have for yourself.
If a person doesn't fit into the middle of this venn diagram then their opinions about you don't matter.
"But what if I admire them and respect them but they're mean to me or others?" Then they're a shitbag. You dont have to respect a shitbag.
Then I just do what makes me happy.
I figure if I don't admire someone or respect them then why should I let them influence my decisions?
I figure none of us exist independant from others, so if I wanna be my best self, I surround myself with people who have behaviors and values I think are important, and let their presence build up the parts of myself that I like.
Self reflection through the other, you know?
That, and listen to people outside your circle. Easier to broaden your ideas of the world and the bubble you live in if you allow outside influences to permeate. Variety, I suppose.
Sorry, this is my first time being a person and I'm not 100% sure what I'm doing, but this is working so far.
Hope I could help?
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Hi! (just a personal ask. Sorry if it's not okay to ask for advice out of nowhere but I wanted to see an outer perspective and didn't wanna ask my friends. No pressure to answer of course but I would love to hear your thoughts!)
Is it normal for me to feel overwhelmed about something I want? I am just starting med school and it's a lot but I am fighting. And in my culture, parents buy their daughters their like things?? (like towels and bed sheets and a fridge. Anything they can buy except the apartment basically) for marriage from a young age. But my mom just started recently. And when she first bought me something. The idea of getting married & being a doctor (both things I want) felt like too much I teared up. My mom said I was being spoilers I guess?? Like I was ruining a good moment? Of course it is not that serious since I wasn't outright crying, and I just laughed afterwards as I felt silly lol ,but It got me thinking if I was being that dramatic.
This honestly felt like the moment in the movie where the mom hugs her daughter and says something like "oh how much you've grown" . Her retort felt like it was out of the script.
If you find time to answer, please be extremely blunt. Because I know for a fact I have a tendency to exaggerate things.
You are not overreacting. You are not exagerrating things. And I'm going to tell you this, because I experience this, the tendency to downplay your own feelings and recollections of events very often comes from having other people do it to you first. People tell you your feelings are wrong, or stupid, or irrational, and you learn to listen to them instead of yourself.
It makes complete sense that coming up on a major cultural milestone would make you feel excited, or scared, or overwhelmed. It sounds like you came upon the first step of a very big change and the reality of it all hit you at once, which sounds completely normal and expected!
Fuck, *I* used to get that about moving houses, and YOU'RE expecting shit like marriage? Holy fuck! I'd be a complete mess! The fact that you're level-headed enough to ask questions and process your feelings and talk things through is impressive, because I think I'd be losing my mind.
Personal story, but when I turned 17, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to a restaurant to celebrate. When I told her that it sounded nice, but I'd rather have dinner at home with the family, she told me I was a selfish narcissist, and that I was so busy thinking of myself that I didn't consider that other people might have been excited to go out.
At the time, I thought she'd been harsh but ultimately correct.
Now, I see that she had decided what kind of perfect evening she had wanted, and had expected me to play the part in the movie she had written herself. It had never been about what I wanted at all- it had been about her personal desires and expectations.
And it's normal to feel frustrated about things that don't go the way we want or expect, but lashing out at others is not an appropriate way to handle those emotions.
The way we feel cannot be controlled like a machine. The way we feel is usually not a problem. The problem is what we do, and the choices we make based on those feelings.
Children throw tantrums and sat mean things because they haven't learned better yet. They don't have the practice or experience. Adults like your mother and mine should have that on lock, but often don't, especially if culture or tradition or social expectations tell them their actions are justified.
If I had to take take guess, I'd say it sounds like your mom gave you this gift with an idea in mind of how she wanted you to react. She probably wanted you to be grateful and praising and sweet, so she could fulfill the role she envisioned for herself, and when you deviated from that picture, she was disappointed. From that perspective, it would seem that she felt slighted, and that she was owed your gratitude, and you were at fault for withholding it.
This perspective makes sense, in an emotionally immature sort of way, but would completely overlook your feelings, which are just as important.
Your exact situation is not one I've been in before, but if I'm correct in my assumptions (which I may not be) then I'd suggest keeping an eye out for other instances of your perspective and feelings being minimized.
Are you often told you are behaving irrationally? That you're over-emotional? That you're self-centered or greedy or entitled? Are you told that you don't remember things or do things as you're told? That you see problems where there aren't any? That you male trouble where there is none? That certain conversations aren't worth having, or that "you're always like this"?
It sounds like you know that something is off. I'd encourage you to keep asking questions and follow your instincts. At the end of the day, your life is your own, no matter where it came from.
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Ok hi I just saw your last post about lube and I have a follow up question that I have tried to get answered by the internet but results are inconclusive
I like to use a silicone toy in the shower. Water based lube washes away IMMEDIATELY. I’ve heard pretty unanimously that you can’t use silicone lube on silicone toys. And now I hear you can’t use oil on silicone either! Which is really unfortunate as i recently bought oil based lube (coconut oil specifically)
Is there any kind of lube it’s ok to use on silicone that won’t get washed away by water?
Thank you so much for fielding questions like this :3
Hoo, boy. That's a difficult one.
Water-based lubes wash away so fast because the non-water ingredients are specifically designed to bind to water- it becomes dilited and washes away.
Silicone and oil ARE better in water for this reason, but you're right, they are bad for materials like silicone, jelly and plastic.
What I'd normally recommend here are three options you have available:
1. Top recommendation: Try a hybrid silicone/water lube that has some of the properties of silicone, but not enough to damage the toy before you can wash it off. The key here is to minimize strength and exposure- just make sure to wash it off as soon as you can so it's not on there too long. Ideally with a liquid soap, like dish soap.
2. Use a condom to cover the toy. There's no risk to you if it breaks, and if it does you can, again, just wash it with liquid soap as soon as you can.
3. Use the oil or silicone lube that you have, and just be certain to wash it thoroughly and quickly afterwards with soap. This is obviously not ideal, and will start to cause damage over time, but if you keep an eye on the surface of the material for any change in color, texture, odour, breakage, or tackiness, you can always replace it once it's no longer fit to use. The downside is that sometimes the best toy you get can be discontinued, but... better to have loved and lost, I suppose?
Those are the usual options I recommend, but if anyone knows or has tried anything for this that works better, please do add on! Always looking to learn.
Thanks for the ask! ♡
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This is very random but do you have tips on how to remember to use deodorant every day? No matter how hard I try it just doesn't become a part of my routine and almost every day I am out of the house and then I realise I forgot to use it and it frustrates me. The issue is also that I don't really feel like there are consequences to not using it so there is nothing really forcing me to use deodorant?
This might just be an adhd issue tho.
thank you for reminding me, I forgot to put on deodorant
I usually just keep it one in my bathroom and one my bag, but yeah, there's no real health consequences
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You've escaped containment. Found in a Buzzfeed list of lifehacks learned in 2023
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Not that last anon.
But I wanted to share something for their sake-
Hey, anon look, I know exactly what you are going through. If I didn't know for a fact it wasn't me, parts of your post could have been my lived experience.
Yeah, it does suck that frequently bad people find advice posts online and twist them up for their own purposes. Often to use as a bludgeon against victims.
But you know what? Thats not the fault of the posts or their authors. Their intentions are to help. Some are better at it than others. These things are highly nuanced and no short post online will ever get it 100% right. They exist in the hope someone will see it and get help for themselves.
Do you know who's at fault when these things ARE used to hurt people? The people who use them. Ive seen people who have info straight from the textbooks still use it to hurt victims. It doesn't matter if it's accurate text excerpts or online lists. If an abuser is determined enough anything can be a weapon.
That group of friends did you a favor anon. I know it doesn't feel like it. But anyone who does that is likely prone to abusive behavior themselves. And on the off chance it really was you? The advice is the same- work on yourself, get help as best you can, and slowly be the better you down that long hard road.
Signed,
An Actual Psychologist
And Teaboot? Your list was great. I hope plenty who need to see it do. A list like that helped me once.
^
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hey, im currently living with the abusive father you have described in the past. Any tips on making it out of here alive?
Jesus. Okay, so: write everything down. Any time something happens, write down the date, time, location, what was said, what happened, who was there, whatever you can. Hide it in a book, email it to yourself or someone you trust, whatever. Keep a paper trail going, just in case you need it down the road.
Next: do whatever you need to do to become independent and move out. This sounds scarier and harder than it is- I recommend finding a roommate, getting an online bank account, and taking courses like WHMIS, Foodsafe, etc. Online whenever possible. If you're in school, take a practical class if you can- higher education is great for highbrow work, but jobs will always have openings for manual labour. If you have something like welding or foodsafe under your belt, in addition to a driver's licence, you're pretty much good to go.
Do not underestimate the value of your local library. Public libraries are where you can go for study, computer work, printing and filling resumes, and getting assistance for whatever you can't do yourself.
I personally have a hard time clearly remembering day to day life from when I lived at home, but I do recall... Shit. Like.... Feeling empty? Empty and sharp and angry and scared? Indignant, too. Vindictive. But I also started developing a dependence on conflict to manage my stress, and that took a long time to get out of.
Also, a heads up: once you get out, things will probably seem great for a while, but don't be surprised if after a few months of safety and relative stability your mental health takes a sudden dive. Whatever wasn't safe to possess during your time at home often resurfaces once your brain feels secure to do so-
read up on signs and symptoms of anxiety, depression, post traumatic stress, hypervigilance, anxiety and panic attacks, projection, and dissociation.
Be prepared to speak to a doctor about it- keep a record of your mental and physical health when that happens. If the first doctor you see says anything about medication being "chemical crutches" or "hysteria blowing things out of proportion", go a different doctor. Find one that listens to what you say and is respectful when giving advice and opinions. If they disagree with your thinking, they should do so politely, and without making you feel irrational or dramatic.
Next.... What really changed my life for the better was time, cognitive processing exercises, and enrolling in a self-defense class.
Learning to recognize my own irrational thought patterns resulting from my abuse was fundamental to avoid spiralling into self-destruction, and self-defense gave me back the sense of autonomy and confidence I didn't realize had atrophied.
I won't lie- I'm not strong or fast or skilled enough to actually win a fight if someone intends to do me harm, but almost as valuable is the awareness that I am now *allowed* to defend myself. Encouraged, even! When someone touches me without my permission, I don't have to grit my teeth and wait it out. I now have the knowledge that I am able to react in self-defense, which seems obvious, but there is a very great difference between *knowing* and *comprehending*, after all. Working through that with other people certainly made that click.
Most importantly: the future probably feels very murky and abstract and far away, right now. But no matter what happens, your future will become your present, and you have in you the power to be whoever you want to be.
Life will bring you wonders you aren't yet equipped to comprehend, and that is a very encouraging truth.
I promise that you haven't yet imagined the good things waiting for you on the other side of the wall.
Please stay safe, and take care. I wish you the best of luck
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hello, trying my luck with your teaboot advice.... so why do when I liked someone and they liked me back, I lost interest??
Could be a lot of things, really.
It could be that you're aromantic, and while you may enjoy aesthetic attraction, you don't really feel the desire to enter a romantic relationship.
It could be that you're asexual, and while you like the idea of being in a relationship, you're put off by the social expectation of sexual intimacy.
It could be that you're experiencing infatuation, which is a surface-level rose-tinted attraction where the fun is in the fantasy; the reality that real people have flaws and bad habits and lives beyond you isn't as shiny and exciting as fantasizing from a distance.
It could be that you've been hurt by people you trusted in the past, and aren't ready to take that risk again just yet.
Perhaps you're not yet at a stable point in your life where you have the time and energy to comfortably accept a new person into your circle.
Hell, maybe you even enjoy the wanting after someone unattainable, and once you know they aren't out of reach, you lose interest.
Or it could be that you're scared of being attracted to someone you *can* be with, because if you don't have an excuse to stay away, you're faced with the intimidating reality of making yourself vulneurable. Instead, you limit yourself to people you truly believe have no chance of turning your way, and once they pose a threat, the anxiety outweighs the attraction.
It could be a combination of these answers.
It could be none of them.
The thing is though, the "why" isn't the important part- the biggest question you need to answer is, "could I be happier with them beside me?"
Unfortunately, that's not something I can help you with.
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re: abusive father ask. this is a different anon in the same situation. what would you recommend recording? theres a lot of little things that grate on me that arent necessarily abusive/manipulative/shitty. nothing comparatively major happens much, which is what id think to record. idk. im just lost. your advice was helpful, but i need a little more direction. (tag me in the comments just in case; ill send another ask with who to tag)
Recording events in writing, typed on a phone or computer, or recorded in audio or video all work fine.
As for what to keep records OF, it's often hard to tell what is or is not abuse when you're still in it. I'd recommend taking note of anything that happens that you find upsetting, and behaviour someone else might find unusual, any negative experiences, what exactly is said during arguments, accusations, and apologies, any time things get physical or violent, any threats made, privelages removed, etc.
If you have a moment where you think, 'is this unusual?', it probably is, and if it isn't, you really have nothing to lose by keeping track anyways.
Even if the things you record may not be abusive or seem abusive in the moment, if they give you pause, they're worth addressing. Even typical, healthy, run-of-the-mill relationships can have bad habits or uncomfortable moments that can be noticed and worked on.
My situation ended years ago, and still only now am I realizing that normal parts of my life back then were... Very much atypical.
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Am lonely but too depressed to check dating app updates. Teaboot advice activate.
Depression is hard. It crawls into your bones and tells you that nothing is good, nothing good will last, you don't deserve anything, and nobody loves you.
It's wrong.
That wrongness is part of the disease.
Unfortunately, if you don't have the energy to get in contact with potential dates, even from the comfort and privacy of your own home, there's a good chance you don't have the energy to maintain a healthy intimate relationship with other people right now.
This is just a suggestion, and do what you will with it, but I'd recommend taking the time to focus on self-improvement before jumping into the deep end. Reach out to friends, enjoy smalltalk with strangers, enjoy your platonic, casual interactions to stave off the lonely for a while.
Talk to a doctor about your symptoms, take walks when you can, find something that you enjoy doing that involves movement or learning something new. Find a tactile hobby, like knitting or origami or watercolor. Don't worry about doing it well, just do it for fun.
I understand the pain of feeling lonely, but the truth is, we're always alone- even when we're in relationships, or surrounded by people, because first relationship is with ourselves.
If we can't find peace and happiness within ourselves, then seeking a relationship isn't going to provide us with an equal partner, but a caretaker.
And there isn't anything wrong with being the caretaker in a relationship every so often- That's part of the reason relationships work! The buddy system is built in! But if it's chronic, odds are that it's going to cause some strain.
I'm sorry you're dealing with these feelings right now, and I wish I could give you something more meaningful to help. Unfortunately, this is the extent of what I can pass on with any confidence. My own experiences only reach so far, and at the moment, this is the best I have.
If anyone reading has anything that may help, please feel free to add on! Thank you, and take care.
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ive seen lots of reblogs & mentions of how wise you are... i guess i'll give it a shot. advice on how to stop thinking abt that one time you got accused of copying a family member who coincidentally had the same niche interests as you (you live far away) so when you had a family gathering they all thought you were a "copycat"/changed sO MUCH- oh GOD I HAVE SO MUCH PENT UP RAGE i could go on ranting but there's a word count. advice? cus i feel like everything i am has been taken
"...sorry. same anon, i just need some advice on how to trick my brain into thinking that i'm not invalid and it doesn't matter. like. i just don't wanna give a fuck abt what they think. this sounds petty but said relative got praised for being so cool & unique when ive been doing the same for years?? who would believe me if i told them i did not copy her?? argh. cant believe the little things get to me."
Hi! Sorry for the late reply, I've been chewing on this question for a couple days now but life kept getting in the way.
Honestly? If you want my advice on how to stop caring and let this thing go?? Don't.
You don't *need* to be chill- someone is accusing you of being a poser or a fake because you just *happen* to like the same thing as someone else?
That's shitty! That's a dick move! You are being treated unfairly and you're allowed to be pissed about it! I can't convince you that it 'doesn't matter' because, hey- it DOES matter! Hell, I'm mad on your behalf!
Like, what, you're not allowed to hold a genuine interest in something just because someone else also likes it? What kind of ass-backwards nonsense is that???
And the whole "copying them" thing- even if that were true, isn't that how literally every hobby in the world works??? Nobody sits down out of the blue one day going "huh, think I might start putting all these used stamps into a book, never seen anyone else do that before, pretty sure I invented it, this is a sane and rational choice." Like what the fuck??? Can they lay off???
And by the by, "copying" is tracing someone else's art. "Copying" is repeating what someone says or plagiarizing their book or buying the same clothes and doing your makeup the same way and saying it was your own unique idea. Simply *pursuing the same area of interest* isn't copying. Not long term. If you genuinely enjoy what you're doing? That's your thing, too. There's enough to go around.
And like.... I don't know your family, so I can't tell you how to handle them, but as far as "I'm bothered by this and I don't want to be"?
In my experience, any feeling you try to avoid or suppress only comes back stronger and meaner in the long run. Don't bury your irritation- don't hide from it. Let yourself be mad, let yourself be frustrated, let the feelings run their natural course, and then they will fade away on their own.
See, people talk about emotions and desires like they're all black and white and simple- fear and anger are bad, love and happiness are good, the end.
But that's not how it works.
Fear is a friend who wants to keep you safe- like any friend, they're only dangerous when they start to control you.
Anger is a bodyguard that says, "no, you can't treat them that way." It's only harmful if it lashes out, hurting others.
People murder in the name of love. People trample others in the pursuit of happiness. It's not the motive that matters in the end, but the action taken.
You're allowed to be mad. You're allowed to be irritated. Remain in control of your actions, and give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel. It won't last forever, and in the end, you'll be lighter for it.
The things that bother you are not small things. The feelings you feel are not insignificant. You cannot control how others feel, and you cannot control how you feel, but you can control what you do about it.
Your family is wrong. Let them be wrong. People are wrong about a lot of things, but they don't change unless they desire to change. The important part is that you know yourself.
I'm sorry I can't give you any better advice- I'm still learning how to handle things like this myself. Perhaps in a year from now, I will have a new answer, but for now, this is the best I can do.
I'm sorry that this is something you have to deal with right now.
Please take care, and stay safe in these strange times! Hope I could help
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