Like rllt rhe hardest thing since reslly truly realizing the burden on my life straight dudes are and how unnecessary I feel th to b win my life since 1{going thru academica in a field that is supposedly dominated by women, one but where men still get preferential treatment over and over and over even if more competent women artists are available (fine arts)} and 2{becoming aware of myself as really and truly an andro dyke and that I really and truly do not need men in myife or owe any part of me and my time to men } is managing ANGER and STRESS bc my inhibitions with conflict have lowered and I just start arguing back and calling them out so they these guys r taken aback by someone fucking barking back get all defensive, slip up, and show their true core beliefs. They start to clique up into bro circles out of defensiveness and ego, justifying it by saying "well the girls and the gays have their OWN clique, why not us?" when the girls n gays groups are formed out of need for safety and community. Like sorry bro bro, I'm gonna hang around Kevin my gay cohort mate cuz I can actually feels safe talking abt being lesbo and I'm gonna hang around Ashley bc we can talk about the experience of being a woman, whereas I can't say any of that shit around you out of fear of u starting to debate me on the very material of my being and identity

Breathe (Dan x Reader)

THIS IS ALSO ON MY WATTPAD (TW-ABUSE, ABORTION, RAPE) Based on the song Just Breathe (i do not own) YOUR POV 2 am and she calls me ‘cause I’m still awake, “Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?, I don’t love him. Winter just wasn’t my season” Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes Like they have any right at all to criticize, Hypocrites. You’re all here for the very same reason “B/F/F I need your help.” “What the hell Y/N, it’s two in the goddamn morning. What could you possibly need?” She sleepily scoffed. “B/F/F, please. I-I need you to schedule an appointment for me.” Something had happened between you and Dan recently. He had become rude and distant. Everytime you attempted to initiate a conversation, he would brush you off. You two had been together for two years, and you were under the impression that you loved him. That all changed after what he did though. “An appointment? What kind of an appointment?” B/F/F questioned after hearing your scared tone. “An abortion.” Cause you can’t jump the track, we're  cars on a cable And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands And breathe… Just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe Oh how you would do anything to go back in time, back when you and Dan were happy, back before he did what he had done. You would give anything to not be in this situation, sitting on the cold plastic bed as they prepared the needle. Although this was your only option. So many kids are stuck in orphanages after being put up for adoption. You couldn’t send your child into that kind of life. Keeping it also wasn’t an option. Never would you be able to look at it and not see Dan. That kind of trauma would be hell, why should the poor kid grow up with a mother that couldn’t look at it? So here you sat, ready to abort yours and Dan’s child. B/F/F held your hand as it happened, all that was running through your head was what Dan had done. Dan’s POV May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss “Just a day” he said down to the flask in his fist, “Ain’t been sober, since maybe October of last year.” Here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while, But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles, Wanna hold him. Maybe I’ll just sing about it. I looked down at my whiskey shot. My vision deliciously blurred, fogging up all my regrets. Drinking had become my best friend lately, seeing as it agreed with me, and all Phil did was scold me. I deserved it though, what I had done was awful. October. That was when I had started drinking regularly. Youtube had become to stressful, I could no longer handle the press. Alcohol fixed that. It also ruined my life. I distanted myself from Y/N and was angry all the time. Oh god, Y/N. Memories of what I had done start pouring in my head, making me want to hit myself. Flashback* It was a cold December night, and I stumbled into the flat, drunk off my ass and angry at the world. Y/N was sitting in the lounge on her phone. Goddamn she spends all her time on that phone, she never pays attention to me. I stomped up to her and glared, “Um hello, I’m here.” I growled. “Oh, now you’re here. Not that you ever are any other time of day.” She whispered, seemingly scared of me. That made me even angrier. “Excuse you, you little slut. At least I make money, and don’t stay at home on my ass 24/7. You are only here for one reason, and that’s to pleasure me.” I yelled, grabbing Y/N by her hair. She screamed and cried as I had my way with her. I bruised her and beat her, all the while using her body for things I had no consent to do. The next morning Y/N was gone, and I haven’t seen her since. Not that I blame her, I felt like a criminal, a douche. Y/N was the love of my life, and I did unspeakable things to her in a moment of drunken rage. Flashback over* Realizing I was now crying, I downed the shot and left the bar. Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable, And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, boys, So cradle your head in your hands, And breathe… Just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe God how I wish I never did such things. It’s not something anyone should do, especially me. I’m Dan, awkward and nerdy. I guess alcohol really can change a person. Shivering in the London air I walk home, alone and unbelievably ashamed. Hurting Y/N was something I never had in mind, and I only wish I could see her to apologize in person. To say I’m better, and that she can come back, she no longer needs to be afraid of me. Although am I really better? Or am I just lying to myself to kill the guilt. There’s a light at each end of this tunnel, You shout 'cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again If you only try turning around. I am officially trying to get better. I have been sober for a month now, and I go to A and A meets. YouTube is alright now, and I’m back to being danisnotonfire. All of the fans want to know what happened between Y/N and I, but I could never tell. Today I am taking a trip to Starbucks, a little fresh air should be good right? Help take the edge off of my memories. They still sting like a thousand wasps. Your POV 2 am and I’m still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to It was over. No more baby. No more Dan. You burned any and all things that reminded you of him. He betrayed and hurt in a way that would never be forgiven. Ever. Tears came to your eyes as you thought of what he said. Living on your own meant you had to get a job, which was a beginner musician. Music had always calmed you, and you could sing quite well. The first thing you wrote was about Dan, it was sad yet beautiful. Titled “Just Breathe.” But after hours of work, you decided you needed a little break and went out for Starbucks. But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable, And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand. And breathe, just breathe Woah breathe, just breathe, Ordering your coffee, you heard a voice behind you. One that haunted your dreams. “Y/N? Oh my god, Y/N!” It was Dan. You turned to rush out the door when he grabbed your hand. “Don’t touch me!” You squealed, frightened. Dan retracted his grip, wincing and looking shameful. “Please Y/N, can we go somewhere more private and talk? Please!” Dan begged. “No, I’m not going anywhere with you. I can’t trust you, you might r-” “Don’t. Don’t say it please. It hurts.” Dan pleaded, he was crying and the other people looked at us like we were insane. Not that you cared, he scared you. End of story. “Then I advise you to leave Daniel. Get away from me and never approach again. You did something I will never forgive.” “Please, I’ve gotten better. I got help, I won’t lose control like that ever again. Oh dear god, Y/N please. I’m so so sorry.” He full on sobbed now, and out of sheer embarrassment, you dragged him outside to a lowly populated area. “No Dan. You hurt me physically and emotionally. I had to cover up bruises for weeks, and the baby! That was hell, getting pregnant by your boyfriend raping you, I couldn’t possibly forgive you!” In the midst of your rant, you slipped about the baby. Shit. “B-baby? No, no that- no! I couldn’t of, no! Not like that, no it was supposed to be romantic, not-not like that! Our baby couldn’t have been conceived like that, please god no! I’m sorry my baby.” Dan completely broke down, falling to his knees and bawling. Catching on to the rest of what you had said, he looked up teary eyed and spoke: “Wait, what do you mean 'was hell.’ What do you mean was!?” “I aborted it Dan, I’m not keeping a child that was forced upon me.” You replied, turning to leave. He was no longer your problem. In the distance you heard sobs and the occasional 'Wait!’, but you didn’t even stutter your step. Goodbye Daniel. Oh breathe, just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe.