#So i wasnt going to post it. It just felt cruel and inappropriate | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mayalizabeth-draws · 4 years

Text

I Wrote This Draft Last Year

This was my coming out story to my sister. It’s poorly written at points and very passionate. I still think I make some good points.

I usually don’t talk about my sexuality. I was always afraid of it. But after being silent for so long, I had to speak out. Pride month has been the catalyst for my coming out. Daniel Howell and Eugene from the Try Guys nudged me to come out. Snapcube nudged me to come out. I didn’t feel forced to come out but rather reminded of the lie I had been living for the past 2 years.

This is the story of how I came out to my sister. And hopefully, people can learn from my sister’s mistakes.

I planned on coming out to Lily. I went and got ice cream with her. I would gently bring the topic up and just say the words: “I’m bi.”

I knew it wasn’t actually going to be that simple. Rather, my sister made the comment “Mom thinks I’m gay.” I replied “oh you think mom thinks YOURE GAY?!? HA!” We both laughed until I abruptly said “Mom wouldn’t be wrong about me”

The car was tense. Dru was silent. I was staring out the window, calculating impact that would occur when I jumped out of a moving vehicle. Then she spoke.

“Wait what?”

“Yeah I’m bi.”

“How long?”

“Two years”

“How do you know?”

I hate this question. “How do you know?” How is someone supposed to answer this. At the time, I simply replied “I gawk at girls like I gawk at guys.” I didn’t want to be explicit with her, yet that was the only answer that probably would’ve satisfied her in that moment.

“Are you sure?”

Terrible question. Don’t ask this, ever. I was shaking at this point. I’m sure because I’ve been living with my very bisexual brain for about hmmmmmm 17 years now. That’s how I wish I had responded.

“Yeah. I’ve been sure for the past 2 years.”

“Have you kissed a girl?”

“Almost but no cigar”

“Then how can you know?”

For those who may not understand, I’ll make it clear: you don’t need to kiss someone to know whether you are attracted to them. I’ve seen females kissing other females before and thought ‘I WANNA DO THAT!’ and I’ve stared at bikini magazines in a Barnes & Noble (embarrassing!). I know my sexuality based on how I feel being near an attractive person.

“... I don’t wanna get explicit Dru.”

“But like, girls sometimes have girl crushes. Like ‘if I were attracted to girls I would bang her’ situations.”

... *inhale* girl crushes have this whole IF factor to them. IF I were into girls. Which I am. So I don’t have girl crushes. I didn’t not know how to explain this to Dru so I told her that I am attracted to girls so how on earth would I have a girl crush.

“So you’re telling me you like slurping up vagina?! Is that what you’re telling me? Because that’s what being bi is!”

THIS ISNT OKAY! Don’t do this ever. Using cruel words to describe someone’s idea of love is wrong on so many levels. She made a mockery of my sexual preference and immediatly demonized it.

At this point, I politely snapped. I was over it. I wasnt asking for a diagnosis. I told her that I knew who I was and that I was confident because I had been in love. I knew what love felt like. I had fallen for both boys and girls. She had no right to dictate whether those emotions were false or not.

This story isn’t to discourage others from coming out. Everyone who wishes to come out and feels comfortable doing so, absolutely should. I’ve come out to friends before who have responded wonderfully, asking polite questions (sometimes comical questions) and being overall supportive. But the manner in which my sister responded was wrong. Everything about it was cruel and manipulative. This is a disclaimer, rather, for the people who have siblings, friends, and coworkers who are closeted, who will one day come out. This is also for those coming out. Understanding how a person should respond is the best way to tackle inappropriate responses. I let my sister stomp all over my coming out. She made the culmination of all my closeted emotions about her opinions on a matter where she should have no opinion on what my sexuality is. I should have been defiant and declared my sexuality with confidence.

The following are what I consider to be better questions/responses to ask when someone comes out:

1. “When did you find out?”

2. “Im glad you’ve decided to come out to me.”

3. “Who else knows (if anyone)?”

4. “How can I support you?”

5. “Thank you for telling me.”

6. “Please let me know if anyone gives you trouble when you do fully come out. I would like to help you as much as possible.”

Be proud of your sexuality. And on the last day of June, to lighten the mood, I’ll be posting the dumbest and funniest questions I’ve been asked about sexuality and sex in general. Even if the questions are dumb, I appreciate the effort friends have made to better understand my sexuality.

Love you all, Maya Liz <3

0 notes

viralhottopics · 7 years

Text

On the brink of Brexit, voters reflect: I feel more strongly now. Let’s get out

As article 50 is about to be triggered, how do people feel in Smethwick, a Midlands town that voted to leave?

I moved to Bearwood in Smethwick in the hot summer of 1976. We were moving up, leaving behind the sixth floor of a block on the sprawling Lee Bank council estate for a house and garden in a safer area with large parks and better schools, a few miles from Birmingham.

I grew up there in the 70s and 80s, when there was optimism about our future. The colour bar experienced by a first generation of immigrants in the 60s, in some shops and the bingo hall, had been replaced by our own Why would I want to go there anyway? self-induced bar. The days when a Conservative party candidate could run, and win (in 1964), on the slogan If you want a nigger for a neighbour, vote Liberal or Labour seemed distant.

My mother is Jamaican and, like many of my generation, I failed the Norman Tebbit test completely. I didnt support any England team. I would rehearse long debates about how I might reject a call-up for the England rugby team, even if my ability meant that call would never come. Jamaica was great for holidays, but didnt feel like home: everyone there called me English.

So while I was always a Smethwick boy, I can still pinpoint the moment I first felt British: in 1992, when Linford Christie won the 100m at the Barcelona Olympics, this most Jamaican of men running around the track with the British flag. We had grown up hearing songs like There aint no black in the Union Jack; what Christies gesture said was, Im British: deal with it.

A mistrust of foreigners has been singled out as the driving force behind last years vote to leave Europe. But why did places where more than 50% of the population have recent origins outside the UK vote for a policy of exclusion? Smethwick is in many ways typical of the radical changes to Britains racial demographic since the second world war: in the 50s and 60s, Commonwealth citizens from the Indian subcontinent and the Caribbean emigrated here to alleviate job shortages, particularly in the NHS and transport. A large number of Sikhs moved from the Punjab to work in Smethwicks foundries. Later waves of immigration brought asylum seekers, students and workers from around the world.

When I was growing up, my white British friends liked the same music, played the same games and ate the same food as we did. We knew people who joined far-right groups; but the various gangs were largely multiracial, affiliated to the area more than anything else a loose Smethwick posse. There would be running battles with skinheads from Quinton and beyond; I cant remember a Saturday night that was not punctuated by someone being glassed or having a pool cue wrapped around their head.

Today Smethwick is home to a more diverse range of communities. It is still a relatively cheap place to live, so new arrivals often start off here. You will see Eritrean church services in Victoria Park, eastern European supermarkets on Cape Hill, a Ghanaian wedding at the community centre, alongside the more established Sikh temples and African Caribbean churches.

Speaking to Smethwick friends from white British and second-generation immigrant backgrounds, you hear support for Brexit from a diverse range of perspectives: there is the Fortress Europe argument (people of Commonwealth origin not being able to move to the UK, because preference is given to EU citizens); British Asian shopkeepers who dont like the Polish shops stealing business; an objection to the Thatcherite capitalist structure enshrined in the EU. Underlying all these things is a powerful revolt against what is perceived to be a self-serving political elite.

None of the second- or third-generation immigrants I met on a recent visit to Smethwick thought Nigel Farage would deliver a harmonious society founded on principles of social justice. But the supposed social justice champions, Labour, today have far less connection to the people they seek to represent than they once did. Todays politicians speak relentlessly about engaging and understanding these alienated communities. But even their use of the word community is loaded often based on race or religion or class, as if there were no diversity of opinion among them.

What does the future hold for Smethwick in a post-Brexit Britain? My more pessimistic side worries that inequality will increase, as the fight for a share of an ever smaller pie is orchestrated by a privileged few who use alienation, fear and loathing to divide and rule. But a bigger part of me is optimistic: a younger generation has always found ways of creating new relationships with other like-minded people, be they Italian, Irish, Ghanaian, Nigerian or Indian. It might feel claustrophobic at this moment in time, and Smethwick will struggle with the macro issues. But there are enough people there with goodwill, who want to come together, who will want to get on with it. Hamish Crooks

Theresa Robinson, 51, volunteer

Theresa Robinson and her son, Jacob. Photograph: Diana Markosian

My little boy and I moved here from Birmingham in 2009. I had separated from his father, and when I got here we didnt know anybody.

Smethwick is an interesting area because the diversity works really well. Everyone seems to get on where we live. But there are some negative aspects of multiculturalism. For example, there is no non-halal butcher around here, and I dont want to eat halal meat because they dont always stun the animal before they kill it I feel its a bit cruel. Ive had a row a few times with shops advertising places to rent, with signs saying Indian family wanted. I said, You do know thats illegal, dont you? I remember when they used to have signs up saying No Irish, no blacks.

My little boy is the only white English kid in his class, and they dont celebrate any English things at all. They didnt do anything for the Queens jubilee or birthday. I dont mind him celebrating Jamaica Day or whatever; I just wish theyd also incorporate English things. On VE Day, I took him into Birmingham to see the celebrations, because he has to celebrate his history as well. But he is absolutely oblivious to the fact that other people are a different colour to him. I think children of his generation are integrating more.

A lot of immigrants here say they dont want any more immigrants, but I havent heard many white people say they voted Brexit because of immigration. I dont know whether its because theyre scared of being accused of being racist. I voted Brexit because of all the money thats wasted on the EU. I dont think it will stop free movement and I dont think it means we wont have any trade; I just think it means well have a bit more control.

A lot of people have had enough of MEPs making so much money and not doing anything. Who can name an MEP, really? We dont seem to be getting any more rights out of it. Why not trim off all that excess spending and use it on things we do need? Theres a crisis in social care, and health services are being cut; the schools are constantly fighting cuts.

When you read about Brexit in the paper, they say, The people who voted for Brexit didnt know what was going on. Its hugely insulting to assume that just because were poor, we dont read newspapers and were all thick. Theyve got no concept of what its like to be poor, and how miserable people really are. I think it was a good result, and I think it taught the government to be careful what they wish for, because they did all this with no plan whatsoever; they were so sure remain was going to win. It serves them right.

Daljeet Singh, 40, painter and decorator

Ive lived in Smethwick all my life. My parents came from north India so my dad could work in the foundry. They were invited over, just like the Europeans were. Ive never had an issue with anyone thinking Im less British than they are. But when Punjabi people came here, they couldnt speak English, so they were victimised. Once my dad took me for a drink in the local pub and this guy at the bar started talking to him inappropriately, saying, Butbut dingding. I asked my dad, Why does he do this? and he said, Hes been doing it for years, its not an issue. I took the guy aside and said, Have you been taking the piss out of my dad for 20 years? He said, What do you mean? He never said anything. To this day that guy still buys me a drink in the pub, because he remembers that chat. I changed the way he thought.

Everybody I know voted leave. I voted leave because of my daughters, who are 12 and 15. They go to a grammar school and they feel held back because the foreigners coming into the school dont speak English well; it makes the classes go slower. It was also because Polish people are cutting off my work. Im a painter and decorator, and Im not getting the rates I used to because the Polish people are undercutting us. Thats the case generally in the building trade.

But Im angry that my parents voted out. Im very bitter about that. Its the hypocrisy of it, because they came over from India and they had an opportunity to integrate and they havent: my mum still barely speaks English. Theyve made lives and families for people like me, they worked hard; everyone else is just trying to do the same as they did. I think the way the Sikh community voted was hypocritical.

Sometimes I regret voting Brexit. In hindsight, without a shadow of a doubt, we didnt have enough information; it was turned into an immigration issue, which it wasnt, and as a whole were going to lose out. Other times, I stick by my decision. I need to think about where my works coming from.

Derek Craft, 80, retired factory worker

Derek Craft. Photograph: Diana Markosian

I moved to Smethwick in 1976, looking for work. I also had a pen friend here. We belonged to different divorced and separated clubs; I was the vice-chairman of the one in Portsmouth where I lived, and they used to have a magazine and she advertised for a pen friend. We were writing for two years before I moved here. We married in 1977 and were together for 39 years. She ended up having two major strokes, one of which should have killed her, but the hospital brought her round; I got another nine months with her.

Smethwick has changed a lot much of the old industry has gone. There were dirty factories, steel works and car component workshops; now theyre all new factories or houses, so in that way its better. Weve got more immigrants than whites. The shops are virtually all Asian, and the well-known ones, like Woolworths and David Greigs, are gone.

Its less British, because Ive found, working with some of them, that half the Asians dont want to mix. A very nice lad used to sit with us during the tea break, and he came in one morning and told us that someone in the factory had told his dad he sat with us, and his father had said, You are not to sit with them, you are to sit with your own people. It makes you feel, whats wrong with us?

I voted for Brexit because I think the common market has got out of hand. I think they waste an awful lot of money moving their offices once a month from Brussels to Strasbourg and back again. What were paying them is unbelievable, billions a year, which would do our own health service and schools good. Id like to see free movement from Europe cancelled. This country cant keep on taking people; the services cant cope with the influx, and there are not enough houses. When we won, I thought, Great, lets get on with it. I feel more strongly now. Lets get out.

Mohammed Jalal Uddin, 40, manager at a local training centre

Mohammed Jalal Uddin and family. Photograph: Diana Markosian

Ive been living in Smethwick since 2002, when I migrated from Bangladesh to study for an MBA at Birmingham City University. After completing my MBA, I managed to secure a job. Now Im living here happily with my wife and two children; my son is nine and my daughter is seven.

Smethwick has become overpopulated and there are more new faces, with a slight increase in antisocial behaviour over the past few years; the demand for housing has increased.

I had heard about that campaign slogan [If you want a nigger for a neighbour, vote Liberal or Labour from the 1964 local election], and that Malcolm X came to visit the year after, which is amazing. But to be honest, I dont think racial tension is a big issue now. From my experience, people do understand others their religions, their values, their cultural dimensions and characteristics. It could be an isolated judgment, but I havent seen the nasty side of community cohesion. People get along quite well, basically.

I felt Brexit was a protest vote, to show a lost trust in politics; traditional politicians are failing to deliver. People feel European migrants are putting unnecessary, undue pressure on public services, the NHS, school places, housing, and that if we come out of Europe that will ease the pressure. These are the day-to-day issues that people are fed up with.

I voted and actively campaigned to remain. I was really, really shattered by the result, because in the age of globalisation and connectivity, and at such a crucial time, this isnt the right decision. It is going backwards, and it was not an informed decision. The message were sending to the rest of the world is that were not open or collaborative. We dont want to work with other people: we are detaching ourselves.

Nine months on, I dont feel any more positive. Ive given up on trying to give reasons to remain because Im in the minority. But I know people who regret voting Brexit; they justify it by saying the politicians misled them.

Pat Peacock, 77, retired wages clerk

Pat Peacock. Photograph: Diana Markosian

Ive lived here my whole life. I was born in Hamble near Southampton, but my mother died having me, so I was brought here to live with my grandparents.

Smethwick has changed enormously. My road used to be full of bank managers and teachers, and there were no foreign people of any description. I remember seeing men wearing turbans for the first time when I was 10 or 11 and had taken my two cousins out for a walk. One of them said hello, and I said to my cousins, Run! because I had no idea: Id never seen Sikh people before.

My father was very racist but Im definitely not. The priest at my church is Nigerian and we have 22 other nationalities, people of all colours, shapes and sizes, and we all get on. The first foreigners who came were West Indians, and the others have come gradually. I consider them all friends. A lady down the road, Surinder, and I were once opposite each other in the hospital and weve been firm friends ever since. She called me when I came out, asked how I was and said, If you need anything at all, let me know and my family will get it for you. There are lots of kind people about.

I voted Brexit. I didnt vote for us to go into Brussels; I voted for the common market and I think we were cheated in that respect. We havent only got to trade with Europe, theres a whole world we can deal with. Im looking forward to getting back to how we were: running our own farms, being able to look after ourselves. Perhaps Im wrong but this is how I feel, that we werent told the full story back in 1975. We were just told it was good to be part of a common market; we werent told they would be ruling us. Im not really into politics, but the vote happened and I get cross when they try to reverse it. Now I think: lets just get on with it.

Taurai Chamoko, 44, salesman

Taurai and Catherine Chamoko with their children. Photograph: Diana Markosian

I was born in London. My parents were from Zimbabwe, although it was called Rhodesia at the time. We left the UK in 1977 to go to Nigeria. My dad was a civil engineer and had a job with the Nigerian government, building several highways. Towards the end of 1982, we went to live in Zimbabwe. In 1995 I moved to Brighton, where I met my wife Catherine, and in 2008 we moved to Smethwick with our month-old daughter.

I wanted to study mental health nursing at Birmingham City University, but changed my mind after three weeks. I didnt think it was something I would cope with emotionally. In 2009 I started a course in International Business and Economics at Aston University instead. We had three other children (they are now eight, seven, four and two) and they all settled in school, so we stayed. Ive spent the majority of my life in this country, and I am British.

The main change Ive seen here is the people coming from Poland. I dont think theres a lot of tension between the different communities everybody just gets on. What I worry about is the self-imposed segregation, these monocultural ghettos that are springing up: Pakistanis in one area, Polish people in another, white working class in another. It seems everybody is more comfortable with people who look the same as them, which is quite sad. Whether thats a conscious thing or if it just happens naturally, I dont know.

I was shocked by Brexit. I voted to remain. At university I learned to critically analyse things, and I was always arguing against the leave campaigns points of view. Usually when theres an election, I stay up late to find out who my MP is going to be, but this time I was confident we would remain. It was a big surprise. When I spoke to some of the parents at my childrens school, most had voted to leave. I was surprised and upset.

My point of view hasnt changed. It doesnt make sense to me that people want to leave the biggest market, then try to negotiate a good deal within that market. But I have accepted it. Its democracy, right?

This project was created in partnership with Magnum Photos. For more pictures go to Magnum Photos